Huge Fight

[2Throo]

OK, I'm having one of those days.

Last night, my boyfriend and I got into a HUGE fight that eventually turned into a physical fight. There's no excuse. We were both really drunk and acted foolishly. Forutnately, no one was hurt.

Here's the thing.... during the chaos that was going on, my apartment manager (who lives close by) overheard the whole fight (including the slapping/screaming/etc). Even came out of apartment. Now that my boyfriend & I have calmed down and are working on things, I'm absolutely embarrased about the whole incident that happened. Now my apartment manager thinks I'm ghetto & immature. I hold my head down now when I walk to & from my buidling. I feel like a loser. What's the best way to handle this embarrassment? I've already apologized once to the manager for the disturbance (unfortunately, I was wasted at the time). Anyone have any advice? I'm SO embarrased & ashamed.....

[TankgirlyC]

I would write a hand written note to put under his door. I would just make the note simple. Ex:

Dear______,
I am aware that you overheard an argument in my apartment. I apologize for the level of noise it created and promise to keep any discussions in my apartment at a lower tone from here on out, as to not disturb you or any other tenants.
I extend my apologies for the incident and would like to move forward from here.
Any questions please contact me.
Sincerely,
<your name here>



That should clear it up and just move on from there.

[G35Guy]

Sounds good Tank....just fess up to it (while sober and sane) and let him know you'll be more careful in the future. No need to feel ashamed, almost everyone does silly/stupid things from time to time.

[2Throo]

Thanks for the comments. I think that writing a short "I'm so sorry" note is a great idea. Will do. I still cannot believe that I was actually in a physical fight w/ my boyfriend. It's unreal.

[TankgirlyC]

I held off on posting my other thoughts until you got to read about the note.

I think the fact that you got into a physical confrontation with your BF while drinking....that made this guy hear and come out of his apartment....is something to be addressed.

Its not normal to get into fights like that. Sure sometimes things escalate....but that loud? And booze involved.

Maybe some self assessment is in need here.

[2Throo]

Hi T,

In a way, I think that 's what I was hoping to hear from someone on this board. You are right --physical fights w/ alcohol involved definitely points to a problem. In some ways I was hoping to hear from folks who have "been there" while in other ways, I wanted to hear that I should really look at the situation. I feel so awful. I don't know what to do in order to feel better. I guess this could be a sign of a possible domestic violence/weird/toxic relationship. What can I do to feel better? In some ways I want this to be normal behavior ---but somewhere inside, I know that it is not.

[TankgirlyC]

Ive been there in my life 2 times. One that was abusive and gross and TOTALLY unhealthy and another that was just a single fluke incident.

I dont want to talk publically about what happened. If you want PM me and I can give you my E mail where I can disclose further and try and help.

[pisces2473]

I wanted to post something as soon as I read your first message, but I didn't want to sound like a know it all, especially when I didn't know the background of the situation. I think that you do need some self assessment, like Tank suggested, because this could be the start of something negative. And you don't want that to happen. The physical part combined with booze gave me a red flag. Stay safe and let us know how you're doing.

[paperjam1015]

/ ....could be a sign of a possible domestic violence/weird/toxic relationship. /


Ummm.......HELLO! It already is. How much more "toxic" are you willing to let it get?

Maybe that sounds harsh, but:

A: There was domestic violence. If the apartment manager had called the police, at least one of you would have spent the night in jail for assault/DV/ assault on female. Depending on the state where you live, charges are different.

B: You stated this has happened before. There is an established pattern.

C: There was alcohol involved, which escalated the situation.

Again, maybe this sounds harsh, but I have worked with many people in DV relationships. If the problem is not swiftly and directly addressed (ie pack your stuff and get out!) It will only get worse. Both partners have to be willing to make a change in order to accomplish this. It is best done with some time separated. Like when parents separate arguing siblings. You need time away to think about what is happening. He needs the same. He might not understand or see the problem, but there is one. If he doesn't see the problem, it will definitely reoccur! Whether he sees it or not, there is a great likelihood that this will reoccur.

Please get some help. Many people I have worked with didn't want to contact typical DV groups because they felt they were willing participants or perhaps even started the physical assault (And it is assault.) I can honestly say that of all of the people I worked with that got involved in a group, after two sessions, I don't think I could have convinced them not to go. Find a good group (or even a counselor) in your area. Many cities have free or low-cost programs.