Morgan
03-27-2006, 04:07 AM
I graduated with a degree in history over a year ago with an intent to continue onto grad school in near future. Well it took 6 months to finally land a job and it was at a local bookstore. I won much praise by my managers and coworkers, but now it is really draining on me and dredging up old feelings of wanting to give up on life.
Given my doctor bills, I rely on public transportation meaning I commute 2 hours a day when a car could get there and back in 25min. Months of this, has taken a toll on my mood.
I don't mind helping people find things, but there are many times I wanted to cry when having to cashier. I grow tired of the whole play act of 'how are you?' *insert either fine/good for reply* I don't feel like a person anymore. I always try to think of interesting things to say because right then the customer's face softens and they realize I am a person, not an automaton. It doesn't help that I have severe people anxiety, but I try to hide it though I end up crying sometimes when I go to sleep.
-_- I am growing very cynical and just tired of people. It is surprising how people just trash a bookstore, return books after they read them (using us as their personal library), or take a whole shelf of books that i spend over an hour alphabetizing only to leave them scattered in an aisle and not bother to buy one. I used to be an extremely nice and soft person, but now I am just bitter. I even stopped tutoring because I am now greedy with what little free time I have.
My coworkers are great, but this job has really taken a toll on me. In november I am going to apply to teach overseas then go to grad school. (I need experience over there and fluency in the language for grad school). How does everyone else handle it? I feel like my entire world is now sleep, commute, work. I don't even make that much money though I work full time. I always wanted to take piano lessons (self teaching) or go do tai chi, but money is always hard.
One other piece of the puzzle is that I am transgendered and everyone is supportive at where I work. I already look like one of those frail, bookwormish types with glasses, but I was hoping to get all the name change, legal formats done before applying to teach overseas. Also saving up for a minor proceedure so I won't be stuck on large regiment of hormones. Luckily I have insurance covering most of the hormones, but once I go overseas and surgery I would have to front the blood tests and expensive hormones. -_- After said proceedure, cost of prescription without insurance would go from 120+ a month to only like 20. So just switching jobs now would jepordize my chances of gettling all of this done before the time to apply for JET programme.
Everyday tons of people come in to apply. Though I receive praise, my unhappiness is starting to show through.
Really sorry about the long read, but how do I return to my warm hearted self with eyes no longer red from crying? Work feels like it is slowly killing me and I wish it would just hurry up already.
Given my doctor bills, I rely on public transportation meaning I commute 2 hours a day when a car could get there and back in 25min. Months of this, has taken a toll on my mood.
I don't mind helping people find things, but there are many times I wanted to cry when having to cashier. I grow tired of the whole play act of 'how are you?' *insert either fine/good for reply* I don't feel like a person anymore. I always try to think of interesting things to say because right then the customer's face softens and they realize I am a person, not an automaton. It doesn't help that I have severe people anxiety, but I try to hide it though I end up crying sometimes when I go to sleep.
-_- I am growing very cynical and just tired of people. It is surprising how people just trash a bookstore, return books after they read them (using us as their personal library), or take a whole shelf of books that i spend over an hour alphabetizing only to leave them scattered in an aisle and not bother to buy one. I used to be an extremely nice and soft person, but now I am just bitter. I even stopped tutoring because I am now greedy with what little free time I have.
My coworkers are great, but this job has really taken a toll on me. In november I am going to apply to teach overseas then go to grad school. (I need experience over there and fluency in the language for grad school). How does everyone else handle it? I feel like my entire world is now sleep, commute, work. I don't even make that much money though I work full time. I always wanted to take piano lessons (self teaching) or go do tai chi, but money is always hard.
One other piece of the puzzle is that I am transgendered and everyone is supportive at where I work. I already look like one of those frail, bookwormish types with glasses, but I was hoping to get all the name change, legal formats done before applying to teach overseas. Also saving up for a minor proceedure so I won't be stuck on large regiment of hormones. Luckily I have insurance covering most of the hormones, but once I go overseas and surgery I would have to front the blood tests and expensive hormones. -_- After said proceedure, cost of prescription without insurance would go from 120+ a month to only like 20. So just switching jobs now would jepordize my chances of gettling all of this done before the time to apply for JET programme.
Everyday tons of people come in to apply. Though I receive praise, my unhappiness is starting to show through.
Really sorry about the long read, but how do I return to my warm hearted self with eyes no longer red from crying? Work feels like it is slowly killing me and I wish it would just hurry up already.