Is he "The One?"

[Anonymous]

How do know for sure if someone’s “The One?” Are you just supposed to know? I am 24 and with my first serious boyfriend of 3 years and I’m starting to get very confused because I know that if we continue to date we will eventually get married and since I’ve never dated anyone else I don’t really have anything to compare it to. He is my best friend and I love him and he treats me nicely but there isn’t that much “passion” and I’m not sure if that is normal or not. I am nervous to break up with him because what if he is “The One” and I am throwing it away? If he is meant to be, will it work out? I am so confused and find myself very depressed about it. I can’t talk to him about it because I know he will freak out. It would also be very scary for me to be without him in my life but I'm afraid of always wondering if my soulmate is somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it, but if you're asking yourself that it may be a bad sign. I personally equate passion with love, at least as one component of love. you love what you're passionate about. so maybe if you're not passionate about your boyfriend, you're not truly in love. it's dangerous to get trapped in a comfortable situation like that. so many of us want to think the person we're with is the one just because we don't want to have to go through that horrifying process of looking for someone else!
24 is still young, see what else is out there. if it's meant to be with this guy it will happen.

[Anonymous]

Hi,
I was in the same situation with a guy for four years. i ended it a year ago and it was the right thing. Dont stay in something if there is no passion

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who posted the message. In response to the person who was with someone for four years, what made you finally decide to break things? It is the hardest thing because when I look at him, I know I love him and it would be hard to see him with someone else, but maybe I need to date a bit because now I'm thinking that if he was The One, I wouldn't have to question things. Is it hard starting over?

[Anonymous]

If you are having serious doubts, the best thing to do is break it off (and this doesn't mean getting back together the next day). If you do decide to call it quits for awhile maybe you will realize if this is guy that you want or not. It takes some time to do this so don't rush getting back together just because you miss him or miss his company. Take time to think about all the things in your relationship that you really like and dislike. Sometimes it's difficult to break up in a long term relationship because you feel as though you have committed so much of your life to this person but, it's better to do it now then live your whole life wanting something different. It's not as difficult to start over as you may think it is, you may actually enjoy the freedom until you do find the "One". It may take a few more relationships and heart breaks but eventually you will find what you are looking for without the feeling of " I will just settle for this".
In terms of the whole passion issue, over time passion changes. You have to change the way you view passion. It's not all about going crazy everytime you see each other. This doesn't mean that you should't need or want passion, you just need to think of it as having many different levels. In the same way that love changes and grows over time, so does passion. I believe this is normal in almost all realionships. I know some people may not agree with this but from all I have experienced and witnessed in others, this is the case.

[quanyn]

I don't believe that questioning if he's 'the one' automatically makes him not the one. Questioning isn't a bad thing. About 4 or 5 years ago I thought I was dating 'the one', we got married, and after a year and a half, the relationship was not worth saving (I was 23 when I got married). Since I had obviously made a big mistake in my judgement, I have a spent a decent amount of time since our separation pondering how I can trust myself to make that decision again. I think that it is the two of you, having a great time with one another...being best friends, and not just being with one another for convinience purposes. To me, it's about having fun, and loving that person enough, that you would sacrifice so much, just to be with them. Cherishinng them, growing with them and getting the same in return. Hopefully this will help......good luck!!

[KLM]

I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy I started dating right out of high school. We moved in together for about 3 months and found that we couldn't live together. I thought that was going to be the end for me. I thought I would never find someone else. But I have. It took me about 9 months to start going out with new guys and enjoying the time that I spent with my friends. Now I am very happy in my relationship of almost a year but there are always questions running through my head. I think that we could be together forever but then again, I have thought that before. How do I know that I'm not wrong again? Anyone else ever have these thoughts?

[angiebabie1976]

to know that you have found Mr. Right. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, met the first year in college. We had broken up 2 times during our relationship, but we ended up together and am still very happy to be with one another. We broke up not because we cheated on one another, simply because we had uncertainities and doubts about our relationship but we ended up working things out. I love him, and the thought of being with him the rest of my life doesn't scare me. However, what I wonder is that he's the only man I have ever been with in my life. How am I suppose to know that he's the right one? People say that you don't marry the first person that you date, am I just being too comfortable and afraid of change? There are times when I wonder how it would be like to date other people. But then the thought of going out into the singles scene, and meeting people, and having to built a relationship is so tiring. To make things more complicated, my parents don't know that we are together. They knew for the first 2 years, then we broke up, and I never told them we got back together again. Why do my parents dislike him, simply because of his ethnicity. But he's the sweetest, most considerate man I have met. I'm just not too sure sometimes. Any ideas?

[Densel]

HI,

When i read your post, I actually thought it was a message I posted that I forgot all about.

We are pretty much on the same boat!!!!

I was seeing this guy for 6 years. We actually met in College (Costa Mesa, CA - Orange County). Well, he was the first guy I've ever been with sexually and relationship-wise. He on the other guy had been with 4 girls before me. Since I hadn't been with anyone else, I use to have these feelings of..."Is he comparing me with his past lovers" whenever we made love. I felt as if it is unfair. I have never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else in my life.

His parents didn't know about me. It was a culture thing (that's what he said). You can't introduce your 'girlfriend' to your parents except you are ready to marry her.

Anyway, to cut the longstory short...I broke up with him and I'm in the dating scene. Yes, it's hard and I'm definitly NOT sleeping around. But I'm having a better idea of what I look for in a boyfriend or husband. I don't want to jump into anything especially if I'm expecting my next serious relationship to be with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Good luck!

[Antonina]

To all of you who are having niggling doubts about a long term partner being "the one", perhaps the best thing is to have a trial separation. Sure, it will definitely devastate your partner but you still need to do it, I think, in order to sort your doubts out. It is so much better to deal with it earlier than another 4, 5 years down the track, when you are even more locked in in terms of it being "all you've ever known". If your partner knows you well enough, they, and you, will have faith that if he and you were meant to be that you will know to find your way back... and when you do, it will be so much better, without all the worry and niggles about the "what if's?".

And for the people who are scared or at least not fond of the idea of singles scenes, if that is the major worry stopping you from momentarily leaving your partners, I would worry that perhaps you really are staying in your current relationship for the comfort rather than the perfect match. Take the chance, regain your independence, and have faith that if it was to be, then you will find your way back.

[wordsmith]

It's important to remember that, in long term relationships, it's not always gonna feel like the infatuation stages. Settling into the comfortable (best case scenario) or even the boring (worst) routines can be an inevitability. So, barring real incompatibility issues, it's up to the couple to put real work into it to make it seem more like the earlier stages of dating again. This happens with married couples, too. People shouldn't think that because they're not in the giddy stages anymore, they're not in love - that grows and changes with the couple and needs to be looked at. The perpetual swept-off-your-feet thing is only in the movies...real relationships can include that niggling doubt now and then.

[jparrott]

I posted a reply to this yesterday but it doesn't look like it went through.
My insurance covers alot of mental health care..but the copays add up. Plus I'm kind of nervous and embarrassed to go see one. What if they don't think i need to be there??Or how do I start the conversations? Or do they start it?? UGh...it just seems strange!

[jparrott]

What do you do if you live together and are having troubles? I really believe that my bfriend of almost 3 yrs. is the one, but we do have our share of problems. Alot of it has to do with me going through some of my own issues(QLC, feelings of low self esteem, past problems, etc.), but it effects both of us. We went through alot to be together, but it seems like at least once a month we have a talk about our problems and what can we do? we work really hard at our relationship b/c we want to be together..but when do you say enough is enough? And what if you live together..how do you do a trial separation?
Help!
:confused:

[Densel]

I LIVED WITH MY EX FOR 3 YRS BEFORE WE BROKE UP. WE GO A 5 BEDROOM SINGLE-FAMILY HOME. SO IT WAS DEVASTATING WHEN WE BOTH HAD TO MOVE OUT AND RENT IT OUT TO THIS HAPPY COUPLE THEIR 2 KIDS!

THERE ARE PROS AND CONS OF LIVING TOGETHER...ALL I KNOW IS THAT IF YOU CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER WHEN YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN LIVE TOGETHER WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED! BESIDES, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING INTO FIRST. I DON'T REGRET MOVING IN WITH MY EX BECAUSE WITH ALL THE HABITS THAT WE STARTED NOTICING THAT WE HAD, THERE WAS NO WAY WE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED! I HATE SURPRISES!!!

IF YOU LIVE TOGETHER AND THINGS ARE NOT WORKING OUT, YOU MIGHT NEED TO MOVE OUT OR SEE A SHRINK OR SOMETHING.

[jparrott]

Living together is definately the best choice we've made...we started in a LDR..then he moved in after about 1 year or so...and the living together part is good (except for when he doesn't do his share of the laundry :) ) But,,we have issues regarding me being moody, irritable, etc. I am getting help with this through medicine, etc. So, we are not willing to give up yet. It is hard however to get him to share his Deep feelings with me (he's just like his dad). What else is hard is I was in a Really bad relationship for 4 years for college. It was very toxic. And every bfriend that I've everhad has cheated on me and also my father on my mother. So,,I have major Trust issues!!! And I"m trying to learn to deal with those, b/c I don't believe my bfriend would hurt me in that way. Ugh..I'm rambling. I'm at work and found this website, so I'm trying to get some advice, etc...but I'm not able to get too detailed (due to time).....

[Densel]

HAVE YOU SEEN A PSYCHOLOGIST WITH HIM? YOU WOULD NEED TO GO TOGETHER...

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. MY DAD WAS ABUSIVE AND HE CHEATED ON MY MOM TOO. SO SOMETIMES I TEND TO GET DEFENSIVE WHEN I GET INTO NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND IT SCARES PEOPLE OFF!

I CAN'T AFFORD A SHRINK SO I WRITE ALL MY FEELINGS ON PAPER OR TALK TO MY SISTERS ABOUT IT.

[jparrott]

Same here,,can't afford a Shrink! :(
And I think one would be helpful.

[Densel]

DOES YOUR JOB HAVE AN EMPLOYEE ASSISTANT PROGRAM?

[searching]

When I read your post, it seemed like I could have written it. I've been with my bf for almost 7 years and I'm pretty sure he's planning to propose in about 6 months. We own a home together and our families are very close. I never dated anyone before him, and I love him very much. But, I'm wondering if I should date other people, or even just be on my own for awhile to make sure he's the right one for me. It's such a scary thought, though, becasue we have such history together and my whole life is entwined with his.

[MrAnonymous]

Can you listen to him tell the same joke for the 100th time and still laugh at the punch line... If you can, then you should get married. If not... maybe not.

[inuts]

I dated my guy for almost 5 years. I broke up with him last summer. In retrospective, I think its the best decision I made.

We actually met at a club back when I was 19 and things went off real well the first year. I was really excited too since he was my first bf ever. I had never dated in high school. I was such a late bloomer. I guess that's why now at 24 I feel I haven't experienced everything. Anyways, we started dating and I always thought he was the "one". Same cultural background, god family, educated etc etc. The first year was great. Well on my birthday he showed up hung over from the night before (his birthday is a day before mine). All cranky and everything and he gave me my gift in a regular bag. I never complained since no guy had ever given me a gift before. I was settling at this point. And needless to say he didnt take me out for my birthday (he showed up in shorts and t-shirt) since he was too tired to do anything. I didnt complain again. I was like lets just spend time together.

A month later I bought tickets for him and me to go to the Canadian Open tennis tourney, he showed up hung over again and he was just sitting with his hand resting his head and I couldnt even enjoy the tournament. Every time I planned a night out, he would show up hung over. I was just so stupid. He would take me for granted. I stuck it out for 4.5 years and then finally I broke it off last summer when I realised strangers on the street were treating me better. I told him I need a break- we stayed apart for a month got back together again and then broke it off for good.

I remember me and him doing the marriage talks and that would make me incredibly depressed and sad. In all honesty, I am single and 25 though it does get lonely I am totally enjoying it. Sharing the same feelings with QLCers, making mistakes and learning valuable lessons.

Moral of the story: Just cuz u have been with him for 4/5/6 years doesnt mean you HAVE to marry him unless ofcourse he is the one.

Sometimes we do question if we are doing the right thing by marrying the right person, but that is just wedding blues so I am not saying break it off or anything. But make sure there is a decent companionship in the relationship.

I think you've made a good point. I'm glad you wrote this.