Losing my mind

[Ender]

Regarding a previous thread:

Crippling Shyness (http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18269)

I've been hung up over this girl for almost a year now. Everytime I get her out of my head I see her again and I'm fucked. What's killing me is she may be taken now. Should I make one more attempt or try to move on?

[Winter Storm]

So I guess my previous advice didn't work? :sad:

I really, really think you should make a good, conscious effort to move on. I think if this girl was at all interested, you would know by now and she would be trying to be with you.

For your own sanity, I think you should work on letting go completely and moving on. It gets easier, it just takes time.

[Ender]

That's the thing. Everytime I see her I get signals. Like the way she leans in close, is always near me, etc. But everytime I ask her out it's no good.


So I guess my previous advice didn't work? :sad:

I really, really think you should make a good, conscious effort to move on. I think if this girl was at all interested, you would know by now and she would be trying to be with you.

For your own sanity, I think you should work on letting go completely and moving on. It gets easier, it just takes time.

[Winter Storm]

But everytime I ask her out it's no good.

There's your answer right there. Some people are just naturally flirtatious and aren't aware that they are sending out signals but if she's telling you straight out, then that's that.

I think you will feel so much better when she is out of your system.

[spiritedaway]

I think you should make one final attempt. If she declines, you have your answer. If she likes you, she will go out of her way to make the date or suggest an alternate time. Take her response as a cue. If she says no, then move on. (It's hard, I know)

I respectfully disagree with WS that "if this girl was at all interested, you would know by now and she would be trying to be with you." She may very well be shy when it comes to relationship (or wants the guy to make the first move), but may not try to be with you because she doesn't know how you feel. I'd like to think that we all had situations where we obviously like someone (and all signals are on), but nothing ever came out of it for whatever reasons.

I've been hung up over this girl for almost a year now. Everytime I get her out of my head I see her again and I'm fucked. What's killing me is she may be taken now. Should I make one more attempt or try to move on?

[wordsmith]

Whatever the signals are, if she's asked and says no, you can't really think it's a good idea to operate on the "But maybe she really means yes" premise.

"Everytime I ask her out, it's no good," makes me think she's not being shy, or coy. It makes me think, no, she doesn't want to go out.

[Kitty]

Whatever the signals are, if she's asked and says no, you can't really think it's a good idea to operate on the "But maybe she really means yes" premise.

"Everytime I ask her out, it's no good," makes me think she's not being shy, or coy. It makes me think, no, she doesn't want to go out.

Word.

I understand that you really like her, and she may be flirty, but it doesn't sound like there is really any hope of this working out in a romantic way.

If you asked her out and she said no, you pretty much have to accept that and move on.

I do give you props for working up the courage to ask her out - at least now you know. A lot of guys don't get that far.

[hoodie]

My sister is that girl. She claims she isn't flirting and that she treats guys the same as she treats girls, but half her guy friends think they have a shot with her and ask her out...repeatedly, even though she says no.
Trust me, from talking to her about all her little dilemas, no thanks means no thanks. Don't worry about her, go try to come out of your shell in safer waters.

[shygirl507]

I'm kind of like this girl but that's why I don't know how to respond to your post. I'm very shy and I want the guy to make the first move but sometimes I think they move away if they are interested b/c maybe I'm not showing enough interest. I'm not the kind of girl who is going to be like "hey, I like you want to go out". I want a guy to take it slow and let me gain my trust in him and get to know him as a friend and then hopefully he would ask me out b/c I wouldn't have the nerve to do anything on my own.
Maybe just try being her friend and letting her see the real you and you never know what will happen. I'm in the situation now! A guy I didn't like a year ago all the sudden makes my stomach do flip flops and I guess it's b/c I got to know him better.

[Ender]

I'm kind of like this girl but that's why I don't know how to respond to your post. I'm very shy and I want the guy to make the first move but sometimes I think they move away if they are interested b/c maybe I'm not showing enough interest. I'm not the kind of girl who is going to be like "hey, I like you want to go out". I want a guy to take it slow and let me gain my trust in him and get to know him as a friend and then hopefully he would ask me out b/c I wouldn't have the nerve to do anything on my own.
Maybe just try being her friend and letting her see the real you and you never know what will happen. I'm in the situation now! A guy I didn't like a year ago all the sudden makes my stomach do flip flops and I guess it's b/c I got to know him better.

We are friends. And I am SURE she likes me. The problem is my own shyness. This is killing me.

[Ender]

For those of you who have kept up with this scenario of mine, I'm pretty sure you're sick of reading about it. But I gotta get this off my mind. This is killing me. So here's an update.

Some of you have suggested that this girl is naturally flirty, and that I should put her out of my mind and move on. Well, I am sure that this isn't the case. All the signals are there. In fact, she can't possibly make it easier for me unless I'm completely misreading things. But this is beside the point. The main thing is no matter how much a girl likes me or how much effort she makes (short of initiating a kiss or something) my own shyness and inhibitions is what's holding me back. Everytime I feel like the moment is right to make a move, I can't. I start to doubt myself, the situation, or I think what if this or that. Then I think I've ruined my chances, and its all over. Why can't I just be natural? Why can't I just act, or "jump in?" Why does this have to be so fucking difficult for me? And that's what's killing me. Not that I don't get opportunities, but the fact that I can never seize them and the fear that they will pass me by. It's like I'm emotionally impotent, crippled by shyness. And the thing that kills me the most is I slowly get over it, I think next time I'll make my move, I remind myself that I've got nothing to lose, it's not a big deal, she's not the only girl out there, etc., etc., but that all goes out the window when I'm on the spot. Hindsight is 20/20, but what the fuck good is hindsight except for regret if I can't learn from it. I'm a guy in my mid twenties and I've never really dated or so much as kissed a girl. I don't care that there are other people in the same situation. Most of those people seem to be girls anyway (and I only mention this because as a guy, who is socially expected to be the one "chasing," I am failing miserably). And before somebody suggests that I'm too concerned about comparing myself to others, or expecting to achieve things at a certain age, let me say that's not my concern at all. I'm not just looking to get laid either. And the issue isn't that I see myself as a failure and that its the failure that's killing me. The issue is I want to find the right girl, and I don't care if she makes it happen or if I'm able to come out of my shell, grow a pair, and make it work. As long as it happens. And if you're still reading, you must be wondering what recent events prompted this pathetic rant of self loathing and despair. Well last week, the girl and I were working together again, we went out for a couple of drinks, and I walked her home. She invited me up and we hung out for a couple hours. Two of her roommates were also home but they were in their own rooms and we were in hers. The conversation was great, we were laughing, getting along well. There were times when we were close, but nothing cuddly or anything, just a touch on the arm, etc. When we said our goodbyes, she looked disappointed. Maybe I should've hugged her or kissed her goodnight. Why couldn't I have just taken the risk? She invited me up for fuck's sake! How much longer will she wait for me to outgrow my shyness? For that matter, how much longer will I have to wait before I get over this block? Or maybe I've misread the whole situation. Fuck. End rant.

[shygirl507]

I understand your frustration about all of this and for one thing your wrong about it being harder for a man with no expierence then a woman. I'm 24 and have never dated or been kissed. I deal with it every day and like you it's my own shyness that is stopping me. I play out scenes in my head that I wish would happen but I think even if it came close to happening I would be to shy. I'm so into this guys I see almost everyday and I flirt and talk with him, but as soon as we are in a moment where it's just the two of us I feel like I close up, or even doubt that maybe I read the signs wrong and he isn't interested. It makes me sick that I may never get the chance with him b/c of my shyness and I pray that something simple will happen that will give me a chance to open up. I don't like being put in an awkward situation where actually have to go on a date b/c I find it more comfortable to talk to guys I like around others. I wish I could just go somewhere with a group of people and him where we can get to know eachother witht the conversation of others helping. I know it sounds weird, but this is how I met the one and only guy I ever had a semi-relationship with!

I know you hate people trying to tell you to just get over it and jump in b/c it drives me crazy too, it's not that easy. For someone who doesn't knowthe feelings we feel it seems like a simple task, but as confident as I can feel about myself in one moment it takes a split second for me to doubt everything. I've been praying for years that I would just get over it and grow out of it but guess what it hasn't happened and I'm sick of people asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm also not desperate for it to happen right away I just don't want to end up years down the road alone b/c I was to shy to make anything happen. Like you, I almost want the guy to just lean in and initiate the kiss and break the ice, maybe I'd feel more comfortable and know that I'm not misreading the signs. I do the whole eye contact thing and I catch him staring at me and I'm getting signs that people we hand out with are tyring to set us up. I go from one day reading all the signs and thinking that I know he's into me to the next day thinking that maybe he didn't look at me as much or say as much so maybe I did something wrong or maybe he was never interested to begin with. It turns into a crazy mind game with myself.

I know this isn't going to help, but I know exactly how you feel. It use to not bother me that much but I find every time I meet a guy who I could really see myself with (which doesn't happen often) it bothers me all that much more. I'm scared of being alone, I'm not looking to date just any guy or a bunch of different guys, I'm just looking for that one guy who lets me be me, who excepts me for all my quirks and it just there and makes me feel safe.

I'm sorry for the long rant, and I know me saying that your not the only one doesn't really help, but I know it helps me to know that what I'm feeling is felt by others. I use to think something was wrong with me and I felt so alone and it was good to find others in my situation. I just hope whatever we are dealing with goes away and we are able to be happy like so many others. If anyting this whole situation has taught me is that those in our situation will appreciate the realtionships we do end up in so much more and it will really be something speical b/c we are going through so much to get there. You see all these others who go in and out of relationships and marriages like it's nothing and they take thier partner for granted and all we are looking for is someone to spend time with and to except as for who we are.

Good luck and keep your head up !!

[Ender]

I understand your frustration about all of this and for one thing your wrong about it being harder for a man with no expierence then a woman. I'm 24 and have never dated or been kissed. I deal with it every day and like you it's my own shyness that is stopping me. I play out scenes in my head that I wish would happen but I think even if it came close to happening I would be to shy. I'm so into this guys I see almost everyday and I flirt and talk with him, but as soon as we are in a moment where it's just the two of us I feel like I close up, or even doubt that maybe I read the signs wrong and he isn't interested. It makes me sick that I may never get the chance with him b/c of my shyness and I pray that something simple will happen that will give me a chance to open up. I don't like being put in an awkward situation where actually have to go on a date b/c I find it more comfortable to talk to guys I like around others. I wish I could just go somewhere with a group of people and him where we can get to know eachother witht the conversation of others helping. I know it sounds weird, but this is how I met the one and only guy I ever had a semi-relationship with!

I know you hate people trying to tell you to just get over it and jump in b/c it drives me crazy too, it's not that easy. For someone who doesn't knowthe feelings we feel it seems like a simple task, but as confident as I can feel about myself in one moment it takes a split second for me to doubt everything. I've been praying for years that I would just get over it and grow out of it but guess what it hasn't happened and I'm sick of people asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm also not desperate for it to happen right away I just don't want to end up years down the road alone b/c I was to shy to make anything happen. Like you, I almost want the guy to just lean in and initiate the kiss and break the ice, maybe I'd feel more comfortable and know that I'm not misreading the signs. I do the whole eye contact thing and I catch him staring at me and I'm getting signs that people we hand out with are tyring to set us up. I go from one day reading all the signs and thinking that I know he's into me to the next day thinking that maybe he didn't look at me as much or say as much so maybe I did something wrong or maybe he was never interested to begin with. It turns into a crazy mind game with myself.

I know this isn't going to help, but I know exactly how you feel. It use to not bother me that much but I find every time I meet a guy who I could really see myself with (which doesn't happen often) it bothers me all that much more. I'm scared of being alone, I'm not looking to date just any guy or a bunch of different guys, I'm just looking for that one guy who lets me be me, who excepts me for all my quirks and it just there and makes me feel safe.

I'm sorry for the long rant, and I know me saying that your not the only one doesn't really help, but I know it helps me to know that what I'm feeling is felt by others. I use to think something was wrong with me and I felt so alone and it was good to find others in my situation. I just hope whatever we are dealing with goes away and we are able to be happy like so many others. If anyting this whole situation has taught me is that those in our situation will appreciate the realtionships we do end up in so much more and it will really be something speical b/c we are going through so much to get there. You see all these others who go in and out of relationships and marriages like it's nothing and they take thier partner for granted and all we are looking for is someone to spend time with and to except as for who we are.

Good luck and keep your head up !!

Firstly, thanks Shygirl. I wasn't really looking for sympathy, I feel like someone like myself is quite pathetic, but I appreciate your sentiments.

Despite this board being like a "support group" for many people in their twenties, I also feel like most of my posts are just pissing and moaning. So for those of you who have bothered to read, and especially those who have offered advice, again you have my thanks.

Shygirl, I have to disagree with you though, about my being wrong that its harder for a man with no experience than a woman. Obviously its equally difficult for both, but you can't deny that men have the pressure of pursuing and initiating. Women do most of the rejecting. Also, what exactly did you mean by your "semi-relationship?" If its personal, I understand, but at least you had that.

The hardest thing is knowing she's into me, but not being able to act on it. The worry that I'll never grow out of this doesn't help either. Also, she seems depressed/angry now and that hurts the most, because if I'm correct, it was my fault (again, I'm still doubting myself.) I don't want her to resent me. Guess I'm also pissing and moaning again.

So I'll end on this note: no matter what advice I get, the bottom line is taking that leap of faith. Easier said than done, I for one know. In retrospect, I think she took a leap of faith for me, but I was too stupid to realize it, and had I realized it, I probably would've been too scared to act on it. Shygirl, if you're ever in a similar situation, I hope you can take that leap. One of us should. And I agree that we'll appreciate our relationships more than most people. I just need to dig out of this negative rut.