Scared of expressing needs

[Deni81]

I've come to a realization in the past few weeks. I have trouble expressing my needs in a relationship. What I think happened is somewhere in my past I decided that I needed to be the "cool girlfriend". You know the non-possessive, carefree, low maintence type of girl that supposedly guys want. I know see how stupid this was and I want to change my pattern. My boyfriend has noticed it and has told me that I don't need to be so accomodating. If I want something, just let him know. I'm slowly working on being more vocal. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

[ebruening]

((Deni)) I've been in that very same situation before. I'm trying to be more upfront about my needs/wants, but seeing as I don't have a relationship at present, that'll have to wait a while before being put into practice. I would imagine that since your boyfriend has noticed it, he is also willing to help you be more vocal about your wants/needs. Maybe it is something you could work on together. Good luck!

[Maverick434]

No direct advice per say, but just my two cents. You can't be the type of girl that guys "supposedly want." Reason being, every guy is slightly different and some guys are completely different. This goes for girls as well. Best advice really is to simply be yourself and let someone find you as you are. You'll thank yourself in the long run at least.

Some guys love the super athletic and outdoors type girl and others don't. Personally I like girls who are a little high maint and also are quite opinionated.

Lance

[Deni81]

No direct advice per say, but just my two cents. You can't be the type of girl that guys "supposedly want." Reason being, every guy is slightly different and some guys are completely different. This goes for girls as well. Best advice really is to simply be yourself and let someone find you as you are. You'll thank yourself in the long run at least.

Some guys love the super athletic and outdoors type girl and others don't. Personally I like girls who are a little high maint and also are quite opinionated.

Lance

Very true! I am in the midst of learning that lesson. I see myself letting go and not being afraid to be the girly girl I always tried to hide. It's like I am finally just being who I am and not caring if it's "cool", and my b-friend loves it.

[wordsmith]

I used to be the girl who bit my tongue and didn't say what I thought. I'm not anymore. A lot of guys don't like it. But the ones who are cool with it are the keepers, anyway, because they respect that my thoughts and opinions are well-considered and thought out. I couldn't respect myself at all if I were still the chick who clammed up about what she thinks, feels, and needs. That's not how you're supposed to operate, by hiding what you need and expect.

[inuts]

I've come to a realization in the past few weeks. I have trouble expressing my needs in a relationship. What I think happened is somewhere in my past I decided that I needed to be the "cool girlfriend". You know the non-possessive, carefree, low maintence type of girl that supposedly guys want. I know see how stupid this was and I want to change my pattern. My boyfriend has noticed it and has told me that I don't need to be so accomodating. If I want something, just let him know. I'm slowly working on being more vocal. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

I think there's this really screwy idea that all guys want the "nonpossessive and carefree and low maintenance" girl. It isn't true.

That said, don't read into it and think that guys want the "possessive and high maintenance girl" by contrast, because I meet very few guys who expressly say "I want a possessive and high maintenance girl."

I think the key really is not worrying about behaving a certain way, and instead just be yourself. When something bothers you, say so. If inside it doesn't really bother you, let it go.

I hope this helps.

[Deni81]

I know exactly what you are talking about - I have been the same in the past. Maybe try thinking about it in reverse. How would you feel if your boyfriend tried to be what he thought YOU wanted? You would want him to express what his needs are in the relationship too, right? Because you would want to make him happy too!

Thanks for all the advice, guys.