This isn't how it was supposed to be

[rootlessAlex]

Hi, first time I've posted on something like this, but figured why not... Sorry this is SO long!

I grew up between Austria and the US, mostly in San Diego CA, but always felt more at home in Europe. So headed there for college, University of St. Andrews, partially because of the perk of getting an MA in 4 years (!!) and also cause the International Relations department is one of the best in the world (did triple major in IR, French and German).... University wasn't a great experience (the only bright spot being my jya in Germany). My last year went by too fast, focused on getting a good degree, applying for jobs... put in for alot of the corporate graduate schemes but basically anyone who bothered to reply just sent a form e-mail telling me "you are crap"... It was definitely a reality check. I only got one interview, which I blew, probably because I couldn't hide the fact that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life translating computer code in a small Irish city... The more applications I did the more I realized them saying they like people with international experience is just lip service, half the time if you went to school and university in different countries you can't even fill out the online application.

So graduated university 2004. Did a 2 month internship in London which I loved, but with nothing paid on the horizon and no money I went back to the US... A few months with my parents, no money, no job, no health insurance etc, was more than I could stand, and I was desperate to get back to Europe so didn't want to commit to anything there. So I ended up in Vienna, Austria where I am allegedly doing a PhD in Poli Sci... Truth is, I have done nothing for university, and I am scared to go see my supervisor because I am worried he will just kick me out for being such a lazy bum, I've missed several deadlines already, I know...

It took me a year and a half to find a job here, and when I finally did it is only teaching English, and is sort of free-lance... my current contract ends this week, and so I am now pretty much unemployed and broke again. Teaching definitely isn't for me, I'm no good at it, and I didn't go to university for 5 and a half years to explain the difference between "at" and "on" to people who really don't care... I can't understand how with my degree and experience, my only "marketable skill" appears to be my native language??

SO this is my life, I will be 25 in a few months, and am still living in student housing paid for by my parents, I hate this city, and when I compare myself to so many of my friends, I feel an utter failure. So many of them are already working as doctors and lawyers, everyone seems to have the money to travel, go out, live as they want, while up until I started work a couple months ago, I couldn't even afford a sandwhich on the street... A few of my childhood friends are married with children, everyone else seems to be in long-term relationships, getting married etc... And I have never even been on a real "date" just random hook-ups, the only "decent prospects" among the men interested in me are all at least 10 years older, usually married and just looking for a "fling"... Meanwhile, I have been in love with a friend for the past 3 years, and anytime I try to make realistic future plans all I can think of is him...

I am desperate to finish this PhD and make it out of here, but on the other hand I am scared, I don't think I can face the whole application/rejection process all over again, I don't know what I want to do, feel qualified to do nothing, and all the places I want to live are places where I hardly know the language and have no ties...

My life here revolves around spending hours on public transportation, cigarettes, wine, and dreaming of somehwere else. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I always feel like I have wasted all my opportunities
and fucked up my whole life, and it will soon be too late for everything (yes, I already feel my biological clock)! Even when I came here 19 months ago, I was promising myself that by the "time I was 25" I would be somwhere/doing something I loved, but now I know that certainly won't be the case... I just don't understand how nothing has turned out the way it was supposed to...

Sorry this is such a rant! Needed to get it off my chest.

[abby]

Welcome, and sorry about the immature and innapropriate responses - happens every once in a while but for the most part I'm sure you'll find this community to be very supportive. I'm also sorry that you're having such a hard time adjusting, I think sometimes we go back to school as an escape, when we can't find the right job. But job hopping can be just as good a way - if not better -than school to explore and try the different fields out there. And I'm sure you can draw on your experiences in school for those coveted skills employers are looking for, like "communiation" and "analytical." The resume and cover letter are all about spin. It also really helps to know the right people to find a job, so every chance you get find out where the people you meet work. I know networking doesn't feel natural but it can really pay off. It doesn't even mean you have to go to a formal nametag event, just talk to people you know, and their friends, and your parents friends, to get your resume past human resources - I've heard that it's especially tough for Americans to find work in Europe (don't know if you have dual citizenship).

Most importantly, I know it's hard - but keep your chin up, remember that everyone faces tons of rejections when job searching, and everything you're experiencing is completely normal! Good luck and hope you find the boards helpful.

Abby

[girllost]

It's never too late for anything. If you want children there are people who wait until their late 30's early 40's. Some people don't get married until their 50's. Some people go back to school in their 80's. The only restrictions upon us are really put there by ourselves.

Also try not to compare how you feel inside to how others appear outside. This is one that I struggle with myself. But just because someone may seem to have their life together doesn't mean they do. People are good at putting on shows. Someone who may seem to have a lot of money could have a ton of credit card debt. Getting married and having children is not the be all and end all of life and it won't make you happy either.

Finding a job is also not easy. Try applying things that youu wouldn't usually apply to. Or find a company you would like to work for and send them some information about yourself and follow up.

I know these things are easier said than done and I'm struggling with them myself. But I think the mid twenties are a hard time for most. Hopefully things get better.

[ghostboy]

If it's any consolation, you've shown a lot more guts and courage than most of us here by taking such a difficult and unconventional path. Maybe you're tired of hearing that, but I think that thanks to your experiences, you're more equipped to deal with drastic changes and dealing with foreign environments than most people. That will bode well for you throughout the rest of your life.

You've got plenty of time to find someone special and to have kids. My word, enjoy your 20s and the freedom that comes with it (though sometimes it's hard to enjoy without much money or many friends around, admittedly :neutral: ), and don't feel depressed about not having any kids just yet. That will happen when the time is right for you, and you've got more time for that than you think.

Things might be rough now, but hang in there. On your way to getting a PhD at 25? That's nothing to shake a stick at! Good job. :)

[bmy78]

I know it's very hard to do but I would suggest stop comparing yourself to others. Yes, there are peers of yours that are making more money than you. So what? There are peers that are married, have kids, own a house, etc? So what? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. There will always be peers monetarily wealthier than you (I think the realization of this shortly after college is one of many causes of a quarterlife crisis). Though I bet that many of those married homeowners reflect on their lifestyle and kinda wish that they had the freedom to travel more, live a less routine lifestyle and experienced life more. That is something you have.

You mentioned you've been in love with a friend for the past couple of years. Any chance of that kindling?

I am 27 years old and after slaving away in the corporate world for a few years, I'm embarking on a PhD program in political science at the City University of New York. It's exciting to start a new chapter in my life (especially since I've struggled on what my next move will be). My advice would be to finish the damn PhD! Do not quit. If you don't want to teach at university afterwards, fine, but finish the dissertation and get that degree. You've come this far already and having the doctorate will open up more doors for you than being ABD.

[rootlessAlex]

Hey guys,
Haven't been back for a while, so I just wanted to say thanks. I was particularly down when I wrote that post, and though I am not so much anymore, nothing much has changed... I definitely want to finish here, and get the PhD, although I am not sure how many doors it will open for me, seems as with my MA I am already "overqualified" for most entry-level jobs, though not qualified enough for anything I really would like to do... :frustrate

bmy 78, good luck on your PhD, my sister just started hers at 27 and is loving being a student again... but then again, she always did love that, and I never really did... For me I know I will always be earning less money than lots, etc, I just wish I had enough money for a normal life, cause at the moment I really don't...

Also, you said something about if there was any chance of things "kindling" with the friend I have been in love with? That is one of the things consistently getting me down... It is all complicated by the fact that he lives in another country, and is the worst person in the world at keeping in touch... especially now, he is working as a doctor (yes, one of those friends) he doesn't ever even have time to check his e-mail... Went to see him a little over a year ago and told him everything (felt it had to be in person), and his answer was basically that I really mean something to him as a person, but nothing more now, and that might change in the future, but he "can't promise anything".... also, he is in a similar situation, having been in love with his ex for as long as I have been in love with him... Since then we were out of touch for a while, in touch for a while, lately he was extremely affectionate and then nothing the past couple months... Any guys out there, know this isn't really anything you can comment on, everyone and every situation is so different, but any thoughts?

In general, I think this is (and has for 3 years) really been complicating my decision making processes. We click in every possible way, and I have changed alot in the past year (lost at least 20 lbs, become alot more confident, happier) and I really feel that if we saw eachother on a regular basis, things would "kindle"... but having a really irregular long-distance friendship there seems no chance... :sad: I have been trying to learn his language... not just for him, practically it is useful, and I really do love the country and culture... and I am torn between focusing on that and trying to go and get a job there when I finish here (really, not as stalkeresqe as it sounds, it was the most beautiful city I have yet visited) or just focusing on the most "practical" career root... I am worried that either way I will screw myself over, I do want the good career and all, but on the other hand, I know I will never be happy if I don't try everything to follow my heart, no matter how small the chance. Am I crazy?? Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice? (And please not just "get over it, there are more fish in the sea, etc" I have heard that all more times than I care to count and it doesn't work....)
Thanks! :)