Verbal Abuse- How to deal with ghosts of the past

[Calichickee9]

I'm so depressed right now. I'm still suffering over the verbal abuse from my ex boyfriend. It's been over 2 1/2 years and I'm still having problems getting over it. Most of it had to do with my weight and being an ADULT. I gained weight and he called ma a fat b***h and always made rude comments. After a while, the verbal turned into physical. He spit in my face and beat me a few times. I have a wonderful fiance now who treats me great, but my ex sure did do some emotional damage. He always put me down because my parents helped put me through school and didn't make me pay rent. He told me I was an irresponsible adult and that I'd never amount to anything. And when he said this, I was working and going to school, and he wasn't doing anything. He told me I was a bad person for still living at home, and that I should have to struggle in life to really appreciate things. I am not a spoiled, rotten little brat, and I do appreciate things. I don't drive a brand new car, or go to an expensive school... nor would I want to. I'm not like those girls on the movie "Clueless". He tried to paint me in that kind of light. And I've suffered from depression since I was 11, was put on anti-depressants, and he accused me of being on "brain candy". He used to say some really horrible things to me, and although I know that he was being abusive, sometimes I wonder if he was right. Can someone please help me because this is really starting to hinder me. Thanks,
Christy

[Anonymous]

Please dont EVER think that anything your ex said to you was even remotely true. It's funny, but most abusive people pick on their victims for things that are true about themselves. He said you were a brat and couldnt do things on your own when you were working and going to school- whereas he was the one not doing anything- do you see what I mean? It breaks my heart that you would think he was right. He isnt. You have a wonderful man now that loves you and doesnt hurt you like that. I totally understand the emotional pain is easier to concile, but harder to go away. Does your fiance know about your past. Perhaps he could be of support to you. I cant reiterate enough that that ex of yours is so wrong! He is the one with the problem. And I hope what goes around comes around for him!!!

[crazy-girl]

I understand where you are coming from to an extent. A past relationship that I was in was very unhealthy and it was difficult for me to trust that my new relationship wouldn't break out into horrible fights where something would get thrown at my head. In my case I overcompensated by being too agreeable all the time.

It's been about 2 years for me too and I'm finally starting to act normal in my relationship. It takes a long time to get better after something like that. Therapy is financially not an option for me but maybe you should look into it. It might be good to get all these feelings off your chest to a professional.

[Calichickee9]

Thank you both for your replies! I value every reply I get...in fact I check this site every day to see if anyone else has responded. I need all the help I can get. I have been seeing a professional therapist, and it has worked to some extent. But the road to healing has been long for me. I also read self-help books to help myself feel better. I have so many of them! Thanks again for your replies!
Chris

[Anonymous]

Not sure if anything I say can help, cause I only just got out of a bad relationship over the summer. It hurts, and they are so good at mind-games, you know? But kind of like you, I am now dating a wonderful guy. I've told him about my past and he is really supportive, but it's so hard to move on. The weirdest things remind me of my ex, and I don't want it to get between me and my bf, but...it's an ongoing process of change and growth, I guess. I keep searching for the good I can get from it, trying to see if I can use it to help others at all.

One thing that has helped me personally has been music - like I joined the choir at church. I don't pretend to be a great singer (that's one thing I love about church - UM churches, anyway, they take anybody and they'll help with anything you ask for.) Maybe there's something like that in your life you could focus on, to just be able to pour your energy into it for an hour or two a week. For catharsis.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your reply!

[LadyLenderLight]

Words have so much power.

They can cause creation, destruction, influence...from subtle to immense. The important thing is to see behind the intent of them, and then the truth of them. This man was taking his insecurities out on you...because in the situation it was easiest for him, because part of you almost believed it and he got horrible satisfaction by your reaction. He will most certainly feel the brunt of his impact when the universe starts to balance out on his actions. It will not be very pleasant. The force behind your words creates a vibration...hurtful words encircle you, warm caring words encircle you, you create around yourself always what you are using by action. I have added a link to further explain this, and it is a very interesting report on evidence behind the influence of the "word." I hope that you will enjoy it as much as I.

I extend sympathies to all who have experienced a verbally abusive life period. You can only give in to it when you tolerate it and let it become part of your life. I only hope that no one would let it be taken to heart, and to get away from it as soon as possible, either mentally or physically. The human heart is strong but the mind is not always so. And at some points they can convince each other of certain things.

Here is the interesting website link that I wanted to share with you, when I saw your thread. I hope that it is helpful even in the smallest of ways...perhaps give you something to think about other than the past??

http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/nov1/cwater.htm

Best with you, always-
Michelle.