SOS! Another family crisis.

[Adam Strange]

As many of you know, I live at home with my mom who suffers from severe Multiple Sclerosis. My dad has been on a business trip for the last three days. My brother usually works with my dad, but was left home during this trip.

Attendants come to watch Mom from 8-4 everyday. My brother and I can substitute for them and earn their wages if need be. Because my brother wouldn’t work with Dad for three days, Dad agreed to mark him as the attendant from 4-8 every night. I said that, despite the fact that I would be here as well, I didn’t want any hours, just not to have to be responsible for Mom during the hours someone else was being paid to be responsible for Mom.

On Monday night, my brother took a long phone call, during which I helped Mom after she fell on the floor and wet her clothes. Last night, my brother got out two one milligram tablets of Klonopin, a benzodiazepine derivative that he is prescribed. While my brother answered the phone again, Mom glulped them down. (She takes so much medication that she probably thought they were hers). For the rest of the night, she was drowsy and stuttering. She couldn’t walk and we pulled and lifted her up to bed and changed her into a nightgown. After that, she was out cold.

I agreed not to tell my dad. It was a one-time incident and my brother genuinely seemed sorry.

This morning at about 7:30, I found my mom on the floor from her bathroom to her bed, covered in urine and feces. She was incoherent and couldn’t walk, 200 pounds of dead weight. The attendant, whose first day it was, came and helped us get her showered, dressed and back in bed, during which my brother was pretty hostile, shouting commands that she couldn’t understand and even scolding her for eating his pills. Afterwards, she fell back asleep. Now, she is awake and as coherent as she usually is, only a little placid.

I told my brother that he needs to tell Dad, both because this is serious and because an attendant was involved. Dad shouldn’t hear it from her. My brother insists that “no one got hurt” and that this will just give dad another thing to worry about.

This isn’t the first time my brother was been negligent about Mom. Before the attendants started coming, he slept from 12 until 4. Before I came home, she would be sitting in the living room midday in a dirty depends while my brother slept. I don’t think my brother is responsible enough to care for Mom for much more than an hour and Dad should make his own informed decision on that. Yes, this “will just worry him” but is that any reason to keep it from him? This is especially troubling because I am planning to move. I want to know that I am leaving Mom in good hands.

Right now, I think I should tell Dad everything. Am I right in doing this? Any suggestions on how to do this as peaceable as possible? My dad drinks a lot. In the somewhat likely event that he comes home drunk tonight, what do I do? Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

[wordsmith]

Awww, (((hugs))).

Your brother needs his ass kicked up around his ears. Hell, yes, your dad should be informed.

Is there any way your mom can get into a home? Thanks to your brother and your dad, home seems to be not the place for her to get quality care. You're the only one really helping her, and they're undoing the things that you've tried to do to take care of her, with their own issues. And your brother in particular is creating an unsafe environment for your mom.

[Adam Strange]

Awww, (((hugs))).

Thanks

Is there any way your mom can get into a home? Thanks to your brother and your dad, home seems to be not the place for her to get quality care.

My dad goes through a cycle. He comes home for the weekend, has a frustrating experience with Mom, decides she needs to go to a care home, and forgets about it a week later. I’m convinced that the only way he’ll put Mom in a home is by me leaving and him having to deal with her firsthand on a regular basis.

The sad part is that she is getting progressively worse. I don’t want the sign that she needs to be put on a home to be a broken hip.

I think I am going to call my dad, tell him to stay sober and that there is something my brother needs to explain to him tonight. He’ll inevitably ask for my version to but I think I’m going to leave this to the two of them to talk through first, even if I have to initiate it.

[Deavan]

As many of you know, I live at home with my mom who suffers from severe Multiple Sclerosis. My dad has been on a business trip for the last three days. My brother usually works with my dad, but was left home during this trip.

Attendants come to watch Mom from 8-4 everyday. My brother and I can substitute for them and earn their wages if need be. Because my brother wouldn’t work with Dad for three days, Dad agreed to mark him as the attendant from 4-8 every night. I said that, despite the fact that I would be here as well, I didn’t want any hours, just not to have to be responsible for Mom during the hours someone else was being paid to be responsible for Mom.

On Monday night, my brother took a long phone call, during which I helped Mom after she fell on the floor and wet her clothes. Last night, my brother got out two one milligram tablets of Klonopin, a benzodiazepine derivative that he is prescribed. While my brother answered the phone again, Mom glulped them down. (She takes so much medication that she probably thought they were hers). For the rest of the night, she was drowsy and stuttering. She couldn’t walk and we pulled and lifted her up to bed and changed her into a nightgown. After that, she was out cold.

I agreed not to tell my dad. It was a one-time incident and my brother genuinely seemed sorry.

This morning at about 7:30, I found my mom on the floor from her bathroom to her bed, covered in urine and feces. She was incoherent and couldn’t walk, 200 pounds of dead weight. The attendant, whose first day it was, came and helped us get her showered, dressed and back in bed, during which my brother was pretty hostile, shouting commands that she couldn’t understand and even scolding her for eating his pills. Afterwards, she fell back asleep. Now, she is awake and as coherent as she usually is, only a little placid.

I told my brother that he needs to tell Dad, both because this is serious and because an attendant was involved. Dad shouldn’t hear it from her. My brother insists that “no one got hurt” and that this will just give dad another thing to worry about.

This isn’t the first time my brother was been negligent about Mom. Before the attendants started coming, he slept from 12 until 4. Before I came home, she would be sitting in the living room midday in a dirty depends while my brother slept. I don’t think my brother is responsible enough to care for Mom for much more than an hour and Dad should make his own informed decision on that. Yes, this “will just worry him” but is that any reason to keep it from him? This is especially troubling because I am planning to move. I want to know that I am leaving Mom in good hands.

Right now, I think I should tell Dad everything. Am I right in doing this? Any suggestions on how to do this as peaceable as possible? My dad drinks a lot. In the somewhat likely event that he comes home drunk tonight, what do I do? Any suggestions would be really appreciated.


OK dude I HAVE BEEN there and I know exactly what you are going through...

YOU need to handle this with your Dad and if that means waiting until tomrorrow when he is more sober then so be it. Your brother FUCKED up big time and the damage that mixing medications he takes and she has to take for MS have HUGE RAMIFICATIONS. Her health and well being is in Jepordy when she is in his care. You need to take the responsability away from your brother and pay another professional to be home at that time... ALSO your brother needs to know the consequences and if he is incapable of caring for your mom as he is expected too then it is time for him to move out.

[Deavan]

Thanks



My dad goes through a cycle. He comes home for the weekend, has a frustrating experience with Mom, decides she needs to go to a care home, and forgets about it a week later. I’m convinced that the only way he’ll put Mom in a home is by me leaving and him having to deal with her firsthand on a regular basis.

The sad part is that she is getting progressively worse. I don’t want the sign that she needs to be put on a home to be a broken hip.

I think I am going to call my dad, tell him to stay sober and that there is something my brother needs to explain to him tonight. He’ll inevitably ask for my version to but I think I’m going to leave this to the two of them to talk through first, even if I have to initiate it.


ALSO it IS TIME to put her in a group home, I am sorry but if your Dad "forgets about it" then it is time to do the research on your own and see what her insurance will cover, does she get disability and social security etc and what will those cover...

ALSO contact the MS Society to see what resources they can offer...

I will PM you my cell number if you would like to talk to me about this since I just went through this. Just let me know if you want it

[Adam Strange]

Her health and well being is in Jepordy when she is in his care. You need to take the responsability away from your brother and pay another professional to be home at that time... ALSO your brother needs to know the consequences and if he is incapable of caring for your mom as he is expected too then it is time for him to move out.

ALSO it IS TIME to put her in a group home, I am sorry but if your Dad "forgets about it" then it is time to do the research on your own and see what her insurance will cover, does she get disability and social security etc and what will those cover...

Thanks for your advice, Deavan. I agree on both accounts. My brother cannot be trusted with my mom’s care and is a drag on the family when we don’t need one and it is time to put my mom in a home. She is over 200 pounds and can’t control her body anymore. She could really hurt herself and has hurt others who try to help her.

Unfortunately, I have no decision making power. My dad has told me constantly that things would be easier without my brother and he’s done much of the research concerning a care home; he just has to act on either impulse.

I know this may sound cold but I can’t make the decisions so I’ve given my input and distanced myself from them. Anything else just leads to mind-numbing frustration.

I will PM you my cell number if you would like to talk to me about this since I just went through this. Just let me know if you want it

Sure, if you want PM me your AIM name and/or cell, that would be great.

[Adam Strange]

For anyone following this thread, my mom seems to have recovered. She is as lucid as she usually is. My brother had to tell my dad because she was still pretty out of it last night. I don’t know what, if anything, my dad did as a punishment or preventative measure. I just hope he’ll take this as further proof that she needs to be in a care home.

[Helmel]

I'm glad your mom has recovered. It sounds like she is definately not safe being left in your brother's care. It sounds like she would be much better off being in the care of professionals at all times. I know its not your decision but couldn't you push your dad to put her in a home? Maybe if he had some pressure from someone he would follow through with it.