I know I have no personality and girls dont like me

[the dude]

I know I have no personality, because no matter how hard I try, I cant get a girlfriend despite the fact that im smart decently attractive and have a great success rate with women (at least in the short run)

My situation is kind of weird. I grew up in a house with no sisters and ive never really had female friends of even a long term girlfriend, I just never really related to women in terms of friendship. most women don’t like the things I like sports, finance, politics. These are the things I talk about with my brothers, my friends and my dad. This doesn’t mean I don’t like women, or that I cant talk to them. In fact its quite the opposite, from early on in I had kind of a cynical sexist view about women, this gave me a kind of weird confidence to talk to girls.

Its come to the point my life that I almost believe ive turned picking up girls in to a science. I never get nervous talking to pretty girls, im smooth and witty and always “on my game”. And please believe me that I don’t mean to brag when I say this but I know when I walk in to a bar/party whatever I can go home with one of the hottest girls in the joint. I say the things girls want to hear, I can read their body language and know what they’re thinking and despite common folk wisdom I never found girls like assholes so I always take the nice guy angle, im polite and respectful I don’t get vulgar or gross or obnoxious and it works, well. But that’s where my skills end. Pretty much as soon as the girl gets to know me(usually after weve had sex a few times) shes had enough. Ive had more one night stands than I can count. But the sad part is I called a lot of these girls back the next day because that’s what I thought nice “respectful” guys do and that girls will usually call back. As strange as it may sound, it seems like girls just use me which was fine back in the day, but its getting a little old and I have no idea what im doing wrong.

Here is a recent example:
A few weeks back I met a very cute girl very briefly at my friends house. In our short conversation we established a very good rapport, unfortunately she had to leave rather quickly. I asked my friend about her, he said she broke up with her one and only boyfriend almost a year ago, no guy since and if “I wanted a chick I could just bang quickly I should forget about her”, Perfect!!. I never perused her then but she happened to be at a party the same friend was hosting a couple of weeks later. I spent most of the party talking to this lovely girl since we were pretty much the only two who weren’t smashed (she was a designated driver and I never drink). After a few hours I got annoyed of the drunks and asked her if she would like to leave, at first she said couldn’t because she was driving, but then she spoke to her friends who were so excited about her leaving with a guy they insisted on taking a cab home (she’s willing to ditch her friends for me). she ended up sleeping at my house that night (damn im good). The next morning I made a nice breakfast and gave her a nice kiss goodbye and told her id call her (all the things your supposed to do). I even called her that evening just to chit chat and had a nice conversation. I called her a couple days later and left a message, got no return call, then a couple days even later tried again.

This makes no sense to me at all. She is very cute and I know many guys have been trying to get in her pants to no avail. This girl is in her twenties, has only been with one guy (now two), waited a year to find someone else, found me, obviously found something she liked, then with out an explanation cuts me off. This is pretty much the story of my life and I don’t understand how I can be so good at getting women and so bad keeping them.

PS. I know a lot of you are thinking its my reputation, but as far as I know I don’t have a bad reputation because im always nice to girls, even when my intentions are bad (which usually they aren’t, anymore )

[AC8233]

Have you tried not sleeping with them right away? If I sleep with a guy the first couple times I'm around him, I tend not to call him, either. I end up thinking (even if he's nice) that all he's calling for is to get me to come over again. If you're really interested, try building a relationship first. With this last girl, "accidentally" run into her somewhere (another party, the grocery store, whatever) and start talking. Dont mention that night, just hang out.

[enigma]

I think I can say a few things here...

First, girls may not take you seriously BECAUSE you sleep with them right away. They probably do not believe you are actually intersted in dating them.

Second, your actions are not matching up with what you want. I think there is a reason people date BEFORE they sleep together...

Third, figure out what you want and then work at showing girls you are interested in, what you are going for.

[wordsmith]

A couple of things...you might be cutting to the chase too quickly. Even if somebody is fine with sex right away in and of the moment, in the aftermath, it can be weird and awkward, and can make people wanna bolt (particularly if it isn't a pace that's typical of them, as is quite possibly the case with the chick who'd been with one person before). It might be in your interest to try letting things unfold a tad more slowly next time. You might be botching things up by being on the fast track. When it comes to moving fast, some people are cool with it, others aren't, and some people think they're cool with it, but find out that they're not, they're weirded out by it. You say in your header that girls don't like you b/c you have no personality. What's more likely is that they just really don't know anything significant ABOUT your personality, most likely. I think it might be advantageous to let a girl get to know you, and get to know her as well, prior to jumping in the sack, and see how that works out for you. There is a big difference between sleeping with somebody you barely know, and with somebody you feel like you know well.

Also...if you've had more one-night stands than you can count, as you say, you're zeroing in on girls who are willing to have one-night stands, obviously. These may well not be girls who are LOOKING for more, by definition. So, no, I WOULDN'T expect to hear from them, because those are kind of the rules of a one-night stand.

[Winter Storm]

I'm a bit confused here.

1) When you say she slept over, did you actually have sex with this girl?

2) You say you have no trouble getting girls but keeping them. I have to say you didn't exactly 'get' this girl, even if you did sleep with her. Many nice girls will give a guy a chance and hang out, even test the waters to see how much interest they may have, but that doesn't necessarily mean she was interested in you. And if sex did happen, it could have just been sex; one night stand if you will.

3) You started out the post stating that you have no personality at all, could this be the answer to the whole problem?

[wordsmith]

Well, relative consensus from four simultaneous posters, whaddaya know?

[Winter Storm]

Well, relative consensus from four simultaneous posters, whaddaya know?

Seriously! I thought I'd be the first to post!

[the dude]

Yes, I have tried waiting with sex. This is why I know I have no personality, because lets say I try to take it slow and just call a few times, go on a few dates. Most girls will stop returning calls before we even reach that point. Sometimes I feel like they get upset that im not moving quick enough, like im being too nice

[lighthouse4life]

In fact its quite the opposite, from early on in I had kind of a cynical sexist view about women, this gave me a kind of weird confidence to talk to girls.

Maybe you still have a bit of that in you? Your post leaves me ambivalent. Do you want girls to stick around longer just because it'll make you feel better? Or for more regular sex, etc? Or, are you really looking for someone for the long haul, the good and the bad times.

Its come to the point my life that I almost believe ive turned picking up girls in to a science. I never get nervous talking to pretty girls, im smooth and witty and always “on my game”.
Maybe it is precisely that smoothness that is scaring them off..

she ended up sleeping at my house that night (damn im good).
That one line right there reeks of selfishness and immaturity. Sorry bud, but what are you trying to prove? That you got the girl to go home with you? I thought that you are trying to get a girl to want to keep you in her life, as a life partner.

She is very cute and I know many guys have been trying to get in her pants to no avail.

Refer to comment above.

Consider trying to be interested in her personality rather than getting her addicted to your charm.

[wordsmith]

Yes, I have tried waiting with sex. This is why I know I have no personality, because lets say I try to take it slow and just call a few times, go on a few dates. Most girls will stop returning calls before we even reach that point. Sometimes I feel like they get upset that im not moving quick enough, like im being too nice

You could be picking out not-nice girls.

[RealChic1999]

This is why I know I have no personality,

I think maybe you should find yourself before bringing a girl into the mix then.

[lighthouse4life]

Doesn't this sound like Lightning McQueen?

[RealChic1999]

Who's that?

[the dude]

I think maybe you should find yourself before bringing a girl into the mix then.
actually i know myslef quite well. and i didnt really mean i have no personality. I just have very few interests in common with most women and i dont know where to find the common bond

[lighthouse4life]

Who's that?

The main character in Cars (yes the new Disney movie): a race car who is used to the attention and bright lights has to learn to slow down and, in the process makes good friends and finds "love". He actually becomes another "person" altogether.

[RealChic1999]

Oh! I should've known that...I've seen previews for that a zillion times. :0

[the dude]

The main character in Cars (yes the new Disney movie): a race car who is used to the attention and bright lights has to learn to slow down and, in the process makes good friends and finds "love". He actually becomes another "person" altogether.
see this is the problem i dont even have cable in my house. i have no patience for TV most hollywood movies are crap. I read 3 newspapers a week and have 4 weekly financial magazine subscriptions instead. im the biggest nerd at heart and i learned how to be smooth to make up for this

[lighthouse4life]

its not about being a nerd dude... I'm a programmer chick who's had the reputation of being "the nerd" in high school, and still, I do maintain a healthier social life than some of the "in girls" at my former high school.

[the dude]

in highschool i wasnt a nerd. i didnt become a nerd untill after i graduated university. coincidentaly thats also when i started wanting a serious girlfriend

[nxn]

Sounds like you've developed a rep' as a bit of a player. You're probly a nice guy and have it all going for you. But because you've been with all these girls over the years.. her friends have probly warned her not to get serious with you. And basically she just used you, her friends probly insisted she to go with you because she hasnt been with anyone for over a year. And because of your rep' she saw you as nothing more than a toy she could ditch when she was done with you. And probly thought you wouldnt care.

Iv got a friend, and for a number of years, we would go out usually both Friday and Saturday night each week, without a doubt he'd pick up some random, that had been floating around our group for a few weeks, sleep with her a number of times, thats about it. He's a nice guy and all. Say if someone introduced a friend, he's Pursue them, hook up, throw them away.

Then one day, he relised he wanted a girlfriend, rather than a one night stand week after week or a casual hook up. So he started looking around at all the girls hanging around our group, trying to get to know them all, any girl that would come along, trying to find the ' one ' so to speak.. couldnt, all the girls knew of his rep through friends, and friends of friends.. started calling up old one night stand.. turning him down, didnt want to get into a relationship with him.. preached and preached he'd changed, and wasnt a player.

The only option, look outside our social group. And he did and found someone, and they've been together for like 2 years now. Infact we're not even allowed to bring up his past in his pressance.

My advice, find a new activity or something. Play some social mixed sport or something. Something where no one knows you.

[CTGirl]

It seems to me that your whole method is what's getting you into trouble. You look at picking up girls like a game, you arent seeing them as people. As a result, you are coming off as a guy who is only good for one-night-stands, not a guy you'd actually want to date. It doesnt matter how "nice" you are, girls can tell when you're seeing it as a game, and we know from the start not to bother trying to actually date guys like you.

If you want to actually relate to women on a real level, try ditching the game and being yourself for once. There are plenty of girls out there who are into the things you're into, but we're too smart to fall for that crap you're pulling now.

[Krishna]

My situation is kind of weird. I grew up in a house with no sisters and ive never really had female friends of even a long term girlfriend, I just never really related to women in terms of friendship. most women don’t like the things I like sports, finance, politics. These are the things I talk about with my brothers, my friends and my dad. This doesn’t mean I don’t like women, or that I cant talk to them. In fact its quite the opposite, from early on in I had kind of a cynical sexist view about women, this gave me a kind of weird confidence to talk to girls.

Its come to the point my life that I almost believe ive turned picking up girls in to a science. I never get nervous talking to pretty girls, im smooth and witty and always “on my game”. And please believe me that I don’t mean to brag when I say this but I know when I walk in to a bar/party whatever I can go home with one of the hottest girls in the joint. I say the things girls want to hear, I can read their body language and know what they’re thinking and despite common folk wisdom I never found girls like assholes so I always take the nice guy angle, im polite and respectful I don’t get vulgar or gross or obnoxious and it works, well. But that’s where my skills end. Pretty much as soon as the girl gets to know me(usually after weve had sex a few times) shes had enough. Ive had more one night stands than I can count. But the sad part is I called a lot of these girls back the next day because that’s what I thought nice “respectful” guys do and that girls will usually call back. As strange as it may sound, it seems like girls just use me which was fine back in the day, but its getting a little old and I have no idea what im doing wrong.

Here is a recent example:
A few weeks back I met a very cute girl very briefly at my friends house. In our short conversation we established a very good rapport, unfortunately she had to leave rather quickly. I asked my friend about her, he said she broke up with her one and only boyfriend almost a year ago, no guy since and if “I wanted a chick I could just bang quickly I should forget about her”, Perfect!!. I never perused her then but she happened to be at a party the same friend was hosting a couple of weeks later. I spent most of the party talking to this lovely girl since we were pretty much the only two who weren’t smashed (she was a designated driver and I never drink). After a few hours I got annoyed of the drunks and asked her if she would like to leave, at first she said couldn’t because she was driving, but then she spoke to her friends who were so excited about her leaving with a guy they insisted on taking a cab home (she’s willing to ditch her friends for me). she ended up sleeping at my house that night (damn im good). The next morning I made a nice breakfast and gave her a nice kiss goodbye and told her id call her (all the things your supposed to do). I even called her that evening just to chit chat and had a nice conversation. I called her a couple days later and left a message, got no return call, then a couple days even later tried again.

This makes no sense to me at all. She is very cute and I know many guys have been trying to get in her pants to no avail. This girl is in her twenties, has only been with one guy (now two), waited a year to find someone else, found me, obviously found something she liked, then with out an explanation cuts me off. This is pretty much the story of my life and I don’t understand how I can be so good at getting women and so bad keeping them.

PS. I know a lot of you are thinking its my reputation, but as far as I know I don’t have a bad reputation because im always nice to girls, even when my intentions are bad (which usually they aren’t, anymore )

*Flexes fingers and settles down for some serious typing*

1) The fact that you grew up without sisters is moot. I grew up without brothers, and I'm still able to hold it together relationshipwise. Oh, and that "cynical sexist" view of women? Not attractive, and my guess is that women pick up on that. We're more perceptive than you "cynical sexists" tend to think.
2) The fact that you sleep with these girls right away (and that it seems to be your only priority) is a complete turnoff, which is probably what those girls are seeing. Frankly, if I guy takes (or tries to take) me home on a first date, I think he's looking for a good romp and that's it. No relationship potential.
3) If these girls are willing to go home with you after one night, she's looking for a good romp and that's it. No relationship potential.
4) In accordance with the above listed arguments, I'd say you're either A) not looking for the right girls, or B) finding the right girls but say you're looking for something that you're not actually looking for.
5) You said these girls dont enjoy talking about sports, politics or finance. My question then is what do you talk to them about the first time you meet them? Because if you're puting on a show and talking about "fluff" all the time, you're going to get girls who like to talk about fluff. If you want someone who enjoys talking about what you like to talk about, work those topics in early on and see how she responds. If she looks bored, then you know. If this is a big deal, walk away then. My guess is that you've managed to successfully pick out the "hottest" girl who fulfills the stereotypical "like, okay!" valley girl mentality. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places, or are overly concerned with the "hot" factor?
6) Your reputation? If you're taking these girls home as quickly as possible, I'd argue that your reputation (despite what you might think) is not that hot.
7) For argument's sake, lets say you start attending social gatherings of another nature- a recreational sports league, investment club, church group, book club, ANYTHING other than the typical party scene. The cliche pick up spots are not the only (or usually the best) places to meet people.

[CTGirl]

Well put Krishna!

[nxn]

yeah basically every thing I said

[wordsmith]

Iv got a friend, and for a number of years, we would go out usually both Friday and Saturday night each week, without a doubt he'd pick up some random, that had been floating around our group for a few weeks, sleep with her a number of times, thats about it. He's a nice guy and all. Say if someone introduced a friend, he's Pursue them, hook up, throw them away.

Just for future reference, in the eyes of the vast majority of women, "pursue them, hook up, throw them away" does not a "nice guy" make. Just sayin'.

[Krishna]

Just for future reference, in the eyes of the vast majority of women, "pursue them, hook up, throw them away" does not a "nice guy" make. Just sayin'.

*clap clap clap clap*

[trueblue]

Despite what everyone on the message boards has said about you not being ready and about not putting out the relationship vibes, I do think it's your personality. It's likely that you have run across females just looking for a good time, but very few women are really into the the hook up one time and move on type of thing (even if they've heard of your reputation). Unfortunately, most women are looking for more when they meet a guy even if they do end up hooking up with him right away. The fact that out of all the women you've hooked up with, there haven't been any wanting to stick around for the possibility of more is a serious sign. So, my suggestion would be to work on expressing your interests more when dealing with women in addition to the charming nice guy stuff. I'm sure there are women out there who read tons of newspapers and are interested in politics and finance (I know some). So don't automatically assume that these interests are useless in terms of looking for a girlfrend. Hopefully that way you'll meet someone that you're compatible with...which is the first step to finding a relationship.

[Chameleon]

That's an interesting thought, trueblue, and I kinda agree - you hear of women that want to be the one that beds the player and makes him change his ways. I think a girl is more likely to want to stick around after a one-nighter with a guy she likes to have the one-in-a-million story where things started off really quickly but still made into relationship-land. It's silly, but sometimes you don't want to admit you made the mistake of sleeping with someone that fast and try to parlay it into something more. Some girls take adding another notch to the bedpost pretty seriously.

Maybe there is something about your personality that turns them off when they sober up (the smugness perhaps) or maybe, sorry to say this, you are not that good in bed? If we are going on the assumption that the women are using you for sex, I'd think they'd come back even if you were a bit of a doofus/player if the sex was great.

Are you on good terms with any of the women you've slept with? Could you ask them for an honest answer about why they didn't want to see you anymore? Could you ask one of your guy friends that have seen you in action (at a club or party :razz: )?

[wordsmith]

Are you on good terms with any of the women you've slept with? Could you ask them for an honest answer about why they didn't want to see you anymore?

Total shades of "High Fidelity," here. "I was wondering if you could tell me why this keeps happening," etc.

[and1grad]

Are you on good terms with any of the women you've slept with? Could you ask them for an honest answer about why they didn't want to see you anymore? Could you ask one of your guy friends that have seen you in action (at a club or party :razz: )?
Or maybe you two could meet up and you can let us all know? :razz:

Anyway I agree with true and cham. Make sure you're not just looking for the hottest girl or the girl that most people want. EVERYONE has a personality. You just gotta find someone who's a match with it.

[Chameleon]

Or maybe you two could meet up and you can let us all know? :razz:


If you want to know so badly, why don't you try him out? I hear you look great in a mini :razz:

I do do technique evaluations over the web, just send me an mpg of you in action (with her consent) and I could give pointers :googly:

[and1grad]

If you want to know so badly, why don't you try him out? I hear you look great in a mini :razz:
Cooper? I'm no Mark Wahlberg but I do ok.

I do do technique evaluations over the web, just send me an mpg of you in action (with her consent) and I could give pointers :googly:
Well, there you go, the dude. Problem solved.

[lighthouse4life]

Well, there you go, the dude. Problem solved.


OMG!! This just cracked me up right here at work. Yipes! Shush now...lol

[Jedi of Zen]

I more or less agree with what most everyone else has said. You sound like a guy who is well developed and well versed in the ways of seduction, but for whatever reason something is still clearly missing. You have a personality, but it may be that the non-sexual/non-passionate aspects of your personality (which are, of course, necessary for a LTR) have been overshadowed by your sexual prowess. I guess if I had your "problem" (har har), I would simply try to work on finding a girl who I can connect with regardless of whether or not sex is going to instantly happen. I also like Chameleon's idea of getting in touch with a girl that you've bedded and see if you can't politely and soberly ask for an honest, no-holds-barred explanation for why she felt uncomfortable with having anything more than a fling with you. Who knows, maybe if you can open up an emotionally honest and safe discussion with one of those former flings, then maybe one of them might be interested in returning to something more substantial with you.

[the dude]

I appreciate all the responses, especially since it seems like most of them are from women, which is nice since I don’t think I get the opposite sex’s view often enough. At the same time im not sure a lot of you ladies understand how hard it can be for us guys. Ive read a few posts on this board from guys complaining that they cant meet women, well if I didn’t go and act like a shark on the hunt I would probably be in the same boat as them.

Im also not convinced that finding a girl with many common interests is likely. When im at a friends house for example and im not in the mood to be charming, ill turn to a buddy and talk securities, nothing scares the chicks like a good discussion on the futures market. And I have yet to meet (an available) girl who will join this conversation enthusiastically. Im fairly sure if I do find one I will nab her too and hopefully we will live happily ever after. But sadly these women are few and far between and my past experience tells me that spewing nonsense for the first few hours will get you farther than bringing up my boring interests.

Oh, and to the poster that said I might be bad in bed. I have seriously considered this in the past but ive managed to convinvce myself that this is not the case. I do get booty calls, especially from the girls ive known for a long time, I even get the occasional “how ya doin, lets get together”, but its kind of hard to say “sure! but by the way why did youdrop me like a hot potato six months ago”, Im also very open to feedback. Besides if the worst is true and im absolutely awful in bed, even the worst, then I think its safe to say that pretty much ALL women are dirty liars and in that case I don’t want one anyway. (im not saying im batting 1000 but you can’t all be faking all the time right?)

[Chameleon]

Seriously, if all a guy wanted to talk about was stocks, I'd want to stab myself in the eye about 3 minutes into it. Same with if all a girl wanted to talk about her Fendi/Coach collection, but that would take 30 seconds to self inflicted pain to distract from the agony of being so bored!

Have you ever considered exploring another interest or hobby or finding out what makes the girl tick and showing an sincere interest in her and/or the activity? Is there any other activity other than money and sex that you find vaguely interesting? Movies? Music? Travel? Points of interest in the city you live in?

It actually somewhat amusing that the girls are using you for sex, you don't often hear of that role reversal (most of the guys are probably wishing they had that problem). It could be that you are okay at it, but it could also be that you are, well, easy. Why risk a one night stand with a stranger at the bar when you can have your "needs" met by a "friend" who won't ask for more? You either have this unique talent of picking up emotionally distant women (the problem is all women, right...) or more likely, your talent is killing whatever chance there was of the women wanting an emotional connection with you. You need to figure out how and why you do that. A therapist might be able to help.

Remember dysfunction - the only constant in all your dissatisfying relationships is you.

[CTGirl]

The fact that you are so open to feedback, and have been able to avoid becoming defensive despite the attacks we have thrown at you is a good sign. Now you just need someone who can be open enough with you to tell you where it is that you're going wrong. I agree with Chameleon that a therapist is a great route to take, but being in the psych field, I also know that it is something that many people tend to avoid (for financial or social reasons). If this isnt something you're interested in trying, look instead for someone you can trust to have the blunt honesty and expertise that you need--you may want to look outside your social circle for this as they might not be able to be as objective as you need them to be.

[mrspruitt]

[QUOTE=the dude] I

Its come to the point my life that I almost believe ive turned picking up girls in to a science. I never get nervous talking to pretty girls, im smooth and witty and always “on my game”. And please believe me that I don’t mean to brag when I say this but I know when I walk in to a bar/party whatever I can go home with one of the hottest girls in the joint. I say the things girls want to hear, I can read their body language and know what they’re thinking and despite common folk wisdom I never found girls like assholes so I always take the nice guy angle, im polite and respectful I don’t get vulgar or gross or obnoxious and it works, well. But that’s where my skills end. Pretty much as soon as the girl gets to know me(usually after weve had sex a few times) shes had enough. Ive had more one night stands than I can count. But the sad part is I called a lot of these girls back the next day because that’s what I thought nice “respectful” guys do and that girls will usually call back. As strange as it may sound, it seems like girls just use me which was fine back in the day, but its getting a little old and I have no idea what im doing wrong.

My opinion is this and it's just that definitely no solution to your problem, but maybe you are going after the wrong girls. It sounds like you are looking for something more long term and picking up a girl at a bar isn't a good start. Most of the single girls I know these days are just like the guys. They hit the bar to find a "good time" and that's all the want. Most women really aren't searching for commitment these days. However, if you are set that you want that from a women then my advice is to find someone you have common interests with. What do you enjoy doing? Search out someone in those type of situations. Perhaps you are into racing or sports or art. I don't know, but look into other places you can meet a woman who might be a little more mature. I'm sure you have a personality as well. Sometimes we are put into situations where we mold to fit in. Maybe you just haven't found your true self yet or maybe you're afraid to show it. Either way everyone has some personality. I don't know if this helped, but good luck! :)

[EggGirl]

Im also not convinced that finding a girl with many common interests is likely. When im at a friends house for example and im not in the mood to be charming, ill turn to a buddy and talk securities, nothing scares the chicks like a good discussion on the futures market. And I have yet to meet (an available) girl who will join this conversation enthusiastically. Im fairly sure if I do find one I will nab her too and hopefully we will live happily ever after. But sadly these women are few and far between and my past experience tells me that spewing nonsense for the first few hours will get you farther than bringing up my boring interests.


Hey! The dude (it's funny, that name reminds me of "The Todd" on the TV show Scrubs, who is a sexist pig who happens to be in the closet)

I think part of the problem is that you find your interests boring. That, to me, indicates low self esteem. I think the kind of woman you would end up with would need to be fairly educated so that she can find discussions about the stock market fascinating, too. In my opinion, educated women tend to have pretty good self esteems and would be turned off if you aren't equally as confident.

I agree with the above poster that you are probably looking for the long-term girl in the wrong places. Honestly, I find the stock market fascinating, and I would love to talk about it, you just might have to tolerate a few questions about it because I'm an English major. However, when I'm out at a bar or dancing or even at a party I'm in those places to relax, get loose, have a good time, and get away from work. I would rather talk about music or get to know you better through lighter subjects. Then, on a date, or in follow up conversations, we can wander down the road of indexed annuities and ETFs. If you sleep with me that night though, I would ultimately doubt your intent like every other woman here has said, and those follow ups would probably not happen.

I also think that to some extent you're underestimating the female species by thinking that other business or intellectual topics aren't of interest to us. We all aren't fascinated by shoes and purses. I'm not sure if I'm just misinterpreting that though.

[wordsmith]

I personally have a TON of varied interests, and am drawn to guys who do, too...

I'm NOT likely to want to hang with a guy who is only interested in talking investments and stocks and wage-price spirals. But I'm also not likely to want to hang with a guy who is only interested in talking about his emo group and Chuck Palahniuk novels. Or his dissertation on Lord Byron's poetry. Or professional athletics. Or...whatever. One-track guys (and girls, really) bore me. Varied interests are important.

[mrspruitt]

Hey! The dude (it's funny, that name reminds me of "The Todd" on the TV show Scrubs, who is a sexist pig who happens to be in the closet)

I think part of the problem is that you find your interests boring. That, to me, indicates low self esteem. I think the kind of woman you would end up with would need to be fairly educated so that she can find discussions about the stock market fascinating, too. In my opinion, educated women tend to have pretty good self esteems and would be turned off if you aren't equally as confident.

I agree with the above poster that you are probably looking for the long-term girl in the wrong places. Honestly, I find the stock market fascinating, and I would love to talk about it, you just might have to tolerate a few questions about it because I'm an English major. However, when I'm out at a bar or dancing or even at a party I'm in those places to relax, get loose, have a good time, and get away from work. I would rather talk about music or get to know you better through lighter subjects. Then, on a date, or in follow up conversations, we can wander down the road of indexed annuities and ETFs. If you sleep with me that night though, I would ultimately doubt your intent like every other woman here has said, and those follow ups would probably not happen.

I also think that to some extent you're underestimating the female species by thinking that other business or intellectual topics aren't of interest to us. We all aren't fascinated by shoes and purses. I'm not sure if I'm just misinterpreting that though.

I agree with this too! I also have no clues on the stockmarket and have learned insurance isn't exactly an exciting topic either. :) Like Egg said, those are conversations better suited for a followup encounter. Surely, you have something else you enjoy that's a little lighter. Music, movies, anything thats kind of universal. I of course have neither been a girl to hit the sheets with someone the first time I meet them either. So, maybe I don't understand how all this works. :)

[EggGirl]

wordsmith and Pruitt are right.

I am passionate about sociology, but I never try to use that as a conversation starter. I think i'd scare people (regardless of gender). I try to start of with my other interests I know would be more people friendly.

Oh, and my husband would probably die of boredom if you tried to talk with him about the futures market, but he'd love to discuss chemistry until the cows came home, if you'd let him.

[Franti]

Dude you and I have very similar issues in the girl department, for more background info read my "need advice" post in the play forum from a week or so ago. I don't have a personality issue, but have had problems finding women my age (25) who are interested in an emotional relaitonship.

I seriously think if you want something more substantial with a women you can't sleep with her right away or even a month or two into it. This has been a hard lesosn for me to learn and I'm learning it again. You have to wait and get to know her really well before having sex. It's never worked out for me and any girl that hooked up right away or even quickly. This girl like the last girl I dated could have just thought you were "nice" and wanted a piece of ass and that's it. I totally got used by a chick recently and it was like a strange gender role reversal.

So if you're truly interested wait and things will go better next time.

Peace,
Franti

[ladida]

[QUOTE=the dude]
This is pretty much the story of my life and I don’t understand how I can be so good at getting women and so bad keeping them.

[QUOTE]

Wow, I never hear of such problem. I think you may just pick up the wrong girls; those that are emotionally not available for relationshiip.

I'm the opposite. It's very hard for me at getting guys but very good at keeping them when I did get them. I think that's because most guys are not emotionally ready for relationship and I don't do ONS.

[the dude]

Well Im actually not so one dimensional, I have many interest other than finance and economics. I love reading up about the latest developments in philosophy, evolution, technology and especially theoretical physics and mathematics (my father is a mathematician). Not only that I can sit and discuss these topics for hours individually or about how they are all intertwined. I really enjoy philosophizing about the bigger things in life. But I only discuss these things with my closest friends who I really relate to, and like many of you mentioned there would be very few people, and even less women that have even a superficial grasp on these topics. Of course its not because they are not smart enough but they just don’t really care which leaves me in a tiny minority. And if I want anything other than a superficial relationship the odds are heavily stacked against me


wordsmith and Pruitt are right.

I am passionate about sociology, but I never try to use that as a conversation starter. I think i'd scare people (regardless of gender). I try to start of with my other interests I know would be more people friendly.

Oh, and my husband would probably die of boredom if you tried to talk with him about the futures market, but he'd love to discuss chemistry until the cows came home, if you'd let him.
well maybe you should try, i would love to sit for 2 hours and talk about social evolution (not sure if thats really sociology) and as much as im sure i would like to discuss chemistry with your husband, or at least what im familiar with that overlaps with physics, but this another one of those conversations i would use to scare girls off when im not in the mood to be charming

[wordsmith]

Based on what you've said, I think it's possible that you either underestimate the intellectual capacity of women, or on the flipside, that you zero in on women who truly don't happen to be able to hold their own intellectually.

[the dude]

Based on what you've said, I think it's possible that you either underestimate the intellectual capacity of women, or on the flipside, that you zero in on women who truly don't happen to be able to hold their own intellectually.
Im not sure how you came to this conclusion. Its very evident to me that very few people share most of these interests with me, and since women make up half the population I think it is a fair assumption by default that women will make up about half of enthusiasts in any given topic. So right away my assumption that few people and even fewer women share my interests is correct. Now in my specific case this is likely to be skewed even less in my favour since these fields tend to be dominated by men, and since we tend to peruse fields in which we have interests in I think it’s a fair assumption that I am less likely to meet a women with my common interests than a man

[ScottyTheBody]

Well Im actually not so one dimensional, I have many interest other than finance and economics. I love reading up about the latest developments in philosophy, evolution, technology and especially theoretical physics and mathematics (my father is a mathematician). Not only that I can sit and discuss these topics for hours individually or about how they are all intertwined. I really enjoy philosophizing about the bigger things in life. But I only discuss these things with my closest friends who I really relate to, and like many of you mentioned there would be very few people, and even less women that have even a superficial grasp on these topics. Of course its not because they are not smart enough but they just don’t really care which leaves me in a tiny minority. And if I want anything other than a superficial relationship the odds are heavily stacked against me



well maybe you should try, i would love to sit for 2 hours and talk about social evolution (not sure if thats really sociology) and as much as im sure i would like to discuss chemistry with your husband, or at least what im familiar with that overlaps with physics, but this another one of those conversations i would use to scare girls off when im not in the mood to be charming

Wow yeah. I enjoy talking about this stuff too but have a hard time talking about it to other people besides my close friends. Unfortunately I have a hard time finding a woman or in fact even another person to talk with beyond the sigh...superficial small talk, fluff, and pop culture. Nothing ever really deep, intuitive or interesting. I'm also in that tiny minority. Mathematics, physics, philosophy, economics, chemistry, sociology, psychology and computers are my main interests and I have spent many all-nighters just talking about this stuff with my buddies at the university. One of the great things about my buddies is that they are all of different ethnicities, all born in different countries and each of them belong to a different religion (one's Jewish, one's Buddhist, one's Hindu and I'm Christian) yet we often discuss with completely open minds, religion, and surprisingly no one has ever been offended or angry.

But back to the original point, unfortunately, I too, have a hard time finding a female interested in this.

[wordsmith]

Im not sure how you came to this conclusion. Its very evident to me that very few people share most of these interests with me, and since women make up half the population I think it is a fair assumption by default that women will make up about half of enthusiasts in any given topic. So right away my assumption that few people and even fewer women share my interests is correct. Now in my specific case this is likely to be skewed even less in my favour since these fields tend to be dominated by men, and since we tend to peruse fields in which we have interests in I think it’s a fair assumption that I am less likely to meet a women with my common interests than a man

But the point is, there ARE women who share your interests, or can at least appreciate them. Find them. That's what we all have to do...find people who share and/or appreciate our interests. However few and far between you may think they are. Because otherwise, no, you're right. You're not going to meet anybody with long-term potential.

I'm a writer. To begin with, I don't limit myself to dating other writers...that WOULD be limiting. I just date people who are interested in me, and also share my interests...don't have to be a writer to be able to talk to me and keep up your end of the conversation.

[CTGirl]

Whats funny about all of this is that while we're talking about men who can't find intelligent women who can carry on a conversation about these more complex topics, I'm sure I'm not the only girl out there who often has the same problem finding guys who can match up mentally.....are we all just looking in the wrong place?

[wordsmith]

It's hard to find a match, period...no matter your preferences or criteria. It's that way for everyone, and it gets worse the more specific and discriminating you are in your tastes. People who make it seem easy are in all likelihood just people who cast a wider net.

[EggGirl]

I think I see what wordsmith means, the dude, you do come accross as a little arragont, and i wonder if that turns women off when you're "not in the mood to be charming." However, if, in general, you're acting like someone you're not to entice women to be with you, it's no wonder that nothing comes from it. If they take you at face value, they're way off the mark.

Have you tried joining a book club or finding an organization with interests similar to yours? You might find women there who find conversations about the bigger things in life the perfect ice breaker. Do you have any female friends, just friends? Surely you don't dumb yourself down when you're talking to them.

(Social evolution is a pretty big subject, but it does fall into the category of sociology in a million little interconnected pieces.)

[mrspruitt]

Well first I think there are women out there who share your interests they just may be hard to find. Secondly, I know several women who are very interested in deep subjects. They love philosophy, politics, etc. I still think you are looking in the wrong places. Third, opposites do attract. You may not find someone who loves everything you do, but if you find someone who shows an interest that's what's important.

My husband and I have totally different interests, but we support each other. We listen and try to learn more about what the other is interested in. You might find a well rounded relationship if you can just find someone who is open to learn about your interests. Just an idea! :) I do wish you luck. :)

[trueblue]

I am a professional sociologist and I agree that it is difficult for me to find people to talk about the things that I am passionate about or who hold the same existential and philosophical beliefs I have, but in my present relationship and with my closest friends it doesn't matter. I am slowly educating them or opening their minds to all types of things that they would have otherwise no interest in or that they just didn't think about. They listen to my rantings and ravings and philosophizing even if they could care less. That's how relationships work. You don't have to have all of the same interests of another person to be able to connect with them. Have you ever thought about the fact that your interest in esoteric subject matter might actually be informative for a potential partner and help them to grow intellectually and personally? We each contribute to relationships, perhaps yours is how to retire in 10 years.....

[wordsmith]

Threadjack, but what do you do as a professional sociologist?

[trueblue]

I do teaching and research in sociology

[Jedi of Zen]

I have few people - male or female - who I can talk to about the things that I'm truly passionate about (theology, metaphysics, esoterics, occultism, etc.) The ones that I can talk about it with have major disagreements with me on several fundamental points of discussion. For better or for worse, those very same people tend to be my closest friends. So we can talk about stuff, but I constantly find myself having to either keep the discussion low-key - or, if I wish to simply talk freely, be prepared for a rigorous debate and possibly emotional debate. Sometimes things get pretty frustrating, but at least I can say that being surrounded by people who either A. disagree with me or B. just aren't interested at least keeps me fresh, renewed, and challenged in my perspectivies, oddly enough. It would be nice to find a significant other who at least is not hostile to my opinions, but that's something that I just take one day at a time. When one's interests are pretty "out there" to begin with, beggars cannot be choosers :)

[spiritedaway]

I have a guy friend who does this all the time. He disagrees with me on some of the most trivial things. I don't mind most of the time - it keeps things interesting. But sometimes when I am having an "off" day and he decides to pick an argument, I get frustrated and our discussion tends to get heated pretty quickly. I am a pretty laid back person (and I have my opinions), but I really don't care or sweat the small stuff.

I haven't figured out if we could continue like this...I value his friendship, but it is emotionally draining & frustrating to be friends, and I can't decide if it's just his nature to nitpick the little stuff (and negativity drives me up the wall...) You can't live with them, you can't live without them right? :rolleyes:

I have few people - male or female - who I can talk to about the things that I'm truly passionate about (theology, metaphysics, esoterics, occultism, etc.) The ones that I can talk about it with have major disagreements with me on several fundamental points of discussion. For better or for worse, those very same people tend to be my closest friends. So we can talk about stuff, but I constantly find myself having to either keep the discussion low-key - or, if I wish to simply talk freely, be prepared for a rigorous debate and possibly emotional debate."

[Jedi of Zen]

Indeed!
___