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CCrox24
07-03-2006, 09:22 AM
How do you deal? How do you deal when you know that this person is your one and only...and that you know nobody else will know you like they do/click with you like they do? Just how?

I just saw pictures of him with the new girlfriend. It's been a year since we "broke up". Nothing at all on my part in terms of finding someone new. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Well ok, I know I sound like I'm going a bit overboard...I seriously could not sleep last night and I couldn't even eat breakfast. Why me?

winneythepooh7
07-03-2006, 09:48 AM
How do you deal? How do you deal when you know that this person is your one and only...and that you know nobody else will know you like they do/click with you like they do? Just how?

I just saw pictures of him with the new girlfriend. It's been a year since we "broke up". Nothing at all on my part in terms of finding someone new. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Well ok, I know I sound like I'm going a bit overboard...I seriously could not sleep last night and I couldn't even eat breakfast. Why me?


If he's your "one and only" why is he with someone else? It's time to move on..............

CCrox24
07-03-2006, 10:26 AM
I know that it is time to move on. I just need advice.

winneythepooh7
07-03-2006, 10:28 AM
I know that it is time to move on. I just need advice.

That is my advice. What is pining over this guy going to get you?

CCrox24
07-03-2006, 10:38 AM
*sigh* I know. You're right. I just think it is easier said than done. I also suffer from being depressed and I think that I take things very personally sometimes. I just couldn't stop crying last night about it. I wish I were one of those people that could just brush things off really easily, but it's a lot harder for me for some odd reason.

wordsmith
07-03-2006, 10:42 AM
I don't get over hurts easily, either.

And when someboidy doesn't want to be with you, OF COURSE you take it personally. Because, guess what? Is IS PERSONAL.

But at some point, you do have to come to grips with the fact that no matter how much you're hurting, that's never going to change another person's mindset if he doesn't agree that you're the one for him. You also come to grips with the fact that it might ALWAYS hurt, and will most likely always feel personal, and you might not ever forget it, but that you have to move on through that, anyway. For some of us, pain fades...for others, it doesn't and won't. But you still have to move on. Or you'll just sit in a rut forever. Be confident that no matter how good you thought something was...you'll find something else just as good.

I for one hate it when people say that "time heals," "pain fades over time"...because, sometimes, for some people, it doesn't. Everyone's different, and just because so and so gets over hurts easily and figures that therefore, everybody gets over hurts easily, that doesn't mean that's true. But, even so, that doesn't mean you stop living. Something might always hurt. But that does not mean that's all there is in life.

winneythepooh7
07-03-2006, 10:45 AM
Also, if you are keeping in touch with him: Don't. Try not to look at any of his stuff "online" either if you can avoid it.

CCrox24
07-03-2006, 10:48 AM
The big problem was me looking at his myspace last night. I had a few drinks and sometimes I like to screw around looking at myspace just to see what people are up to. Then, as numb as I thought I was, I saw the new pictures of them together all over her myspace. Myspace is like torture sometimes in that sense. It really rubs salt in the wound. I am not "friends" with him on myspace, but I have a message from him in my inbox. That's how I linked to his profile. Perhaps I should just delete it.

wordsmith
07-03-2006, 10:52 AM
Yeah, stop that shit.

If you're not able to have a positive interaction with somebody, stop looking at their crap.

It's like the equivalent of driving past somebody's house a million times after you break up and looking in their windows periodically for the next year and seeing what they're up to. Most of us wouldn't dream of doing that (unless we had masochistic stalker tendencies), yet we'll easily torture ourselves by doing something that results in the same self-tormenting feeling via online pursuits. You'd never get over him if you were peeking in his windows and observing his life nightly in person...don't do it online. Even if he puts it out there to be viewed. It's no good for you.

Lipgloss Boost
07-03-2006, 11:50 AM
Mark. True love, one I was going to be with forever, he dumped me, my life fell apart, I found this Forum. He's losing his hair, works with street youth, Goggle is a magical thing.

I know he was my true love & that he's successful, still with the group, looks happy - that's Ok for me. I don't know... Tori Amos covers the Oasis song, "Don't Look Back In Anger" - & I think of that. I don't think we could ever be friends because of how I felt & my heart always will but you move on. It doesn't heal, you move on.

CCrox24
07-03-2006, 12:12 PM
I took him off of my IM a long time ago, but myspace I just still had that message in my inbox. I just deleted it.

EggGirl
07-03-2006, 12:23 PM
It took me about a year to get over my first boyfriend. I was heartbroken and cried a lot that first year no matter how hard I tried to get over it. You will slowly get over it. I would stop thinking of him as "the one"--that can't help.

SpaceMonkey
07-03-2006, 01:03 PM
I feel ya. It's been about 6 months since my last break-up, and I'm still not really over her. It definitely felt like "the one," in some sense, because I generally just don't click with people very well. But with her it was immediate.

Deavan
07-03-2006, 01:15 PM
Yeah, stop that shit. If you're not able to have a positive interaction with somebody, stop looking at their crap. It's like the equivalent of driving past somebody's house a million times after you break up and looking in their windows periodically for the next year and seeing what they're up to. Most of us wouldn't dream of doing that (unless we had masochistic stalker tendencies), yet we'll easily torture ourselves by doing something that results in the same self-tormenting feeling via online pursuits. You'd never get over him if you were peeking in his windows and observing his life nightly in person...don't do it online. Even if he puts it out there to be viewed. It's no good for you.


Wow... well said! Ditto EVERYTHING WS said in this post!

Kitty
07-03-2006, 01:23 PM
Sounds to me like you're being a bit overly dramatic and romanticizing everything.

Obviously, this guy wasn't your "one and only." You're young and you have your entire life ahead of you. You WILL meet someone else who will give you the same love in return. Just keep telling yourself that, and don't get sentimental over your ex.

lighthouse4life
07-03-2006, 02:38 PM
Just make sure you delete/erase/tear any trace of him. you dont want things haunting you in the future...

Krishna
07-05-2006, 09:38 PM
How do you deal? How do you deal when you know that this person is your one and only...and that you know nobody else will know you like they do/click with you like they do? Just how?

I just saw pictures of him with the new girlfriend. It's been a year since we "broke up". Nothing at all on my part in terms of finding someone new. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Well ok, I know I sound like I'm going a bit overboard...I seriously could not sleep last night and I couldn't even eat breakfast. Why me?

I dont think you sound like you're going overboard. I went overboard for a while. I guess how you deal with things depends on why you broke up- was it mutual, was there someone else in the picture, or was there some massive blowout that had you both running for cover? If it was a massive blowout, you have to ask yourself whether that was a one time thing, or if it's likely to happy again. If someone else was in the picture, you need to tell yourself that you deserve better than that--and actually believe what you say.

If it was mutual, it's the most tricky. The best bet is to remain friends, if you think there's a chance things could work out again. It's risky business to run up to someone and say the things you said in this post, at least not in the same way you said it here.

I can tell you this: it is never too late. My boyfriend and I were apart for 3 years before we got back together (breakup had been my fault, just needed space/time/change/figure out my life). I would caution you to not let your whole happiness become wrapped up in this guy. Take it from someone who's been there--happiness has to come from within, before anything else can happen. Find yourself a new hobby, club, book group, sport, etc. Volunteer. Go out with your friends. Meet people. Make yourself whole without him (or any other guy)...because if you're not enough without him, you'll never be enough with him.

Message me if you want to talk.

MetFanL
07-06-2006, 11:12 AM
If it was mutual, it's the most tricky. The best bet is to remain friends, if you think there's a chance things could work out again. It's risky business to run up to someone and say the things you said in this post, at least not in the same way you said it here.

I don't know about that. Why wait around? I was asked to remain friends and the thought of it made me physically ill. Having lunch with him and not being able to touch him... It kills me inside.

A clean break is the only way to go... Easier said than done, believe me I know, but I can't imagine doing it any other way -- it would be torture.

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 11:59 AM
I think that even if you're in the small percentage where it's a healthy attachment to remain friends (often it's not, b/c the friendship is tainted by hurts and deeper feelings and resentment), some time of no contact is needed. Otherwise you never properly grieve/get over it/start to heal.

MetFanL
07-06-2006, 12:42 PM
I think that even if you're in the small percentage where it's a healthy attachment to remain friends (often it's not, b/c the friendship is tainted by hurts and deeper feelings and resentment), some time of no contact is needed. Otherwise you never properly grieve/get over it/start to heal.

Exactly. Friendship? Maybe... WAY down the road, but if you weren't friends first... if the relationship started w/ dating, I just don't see why it's necessary. It just feels to me like the guy needs you to be there for him and follow him around while you're dying inside b/c you didn't allow yourself to heal. Like it's some kind of ego trip for him.

And, quite frankly, I don't need anymore friends. But, that's me...

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 12:56 PM
Part of me really does feel like the "let's be friends" ploy (when it's legitimate, at least...not just a a "I'll say let's be friends as an ultimately empty gesture, to be nice and polite, and quickly exit stage left first opp") is designed to let the dumper retain all the benefits they still want out of the relationship (i.e. camaraderie, support, whatever), while freeing him or her up to pursue other romantic options.

Depending on the person/relationship, I often feel like, "Hmmm...no. I'm not a salad bar. You don't just get to pick and choose what parts of me you want in your life. Package deal, bro." Quite often, it's a have your cake and eat it, too situation for the dumper.

Skyblade
07-06-2006, 12:59 PM
With my last boyfriend, I did the same thing, I looked at his blog online. I actually talked it over with a therapist and she made me put a note that said "10 seconds" on my computer screen so I would have to count to 10 before going to his website. It worked some of the time and I realized that it only hurt me to look, nothing good came out of it. Also, don't beat yourself up if you do look at it, but try to stop, you can't move on if you keep looking.

MetFanL
07-06-2006, 01:00 PM
Part of me really does feel like the "let's be friends" ploy (when it's legitimate, at least...not just a a "I'll say let's be friends as an ultimately empty gesture, to be nice and polite, and quickly exit stage left first opp") is designed to let the dumper retain all the benefits they still want out of the relationship (i.e. camaraderie, support, whatever), while freeing him or her up to pursue other romantic options.

Depending on the person/relationship, I often feel like, "Hmmm...no. I'm not a salad bar. You don't just get to pick and choose what parts of me you want in your life. Package deal, bro." Quite often, it's a have your cake and eat it, too situation for the dumper.

I feel the same way.

winneythepooh7
07-06-2006, 01:06 PM
Part of me really does feel like the "let's be friends" ploy (when it's legitimate, at least...not just a a "I'll say let's be friends as an ultimately empty gesture, to be nice and polite, and quickly exit stage left first opp") is designed to let the dumper retain all the benefits they still want out of the relationship (i.e. camaraderie, support, whatever), while freeing him or her up to pursue other romantic options.

Depending on the person/relationship, I often feel like, "Hmmm...no. I'm not a salad bar. You don't just get to pick and choose what parts of me you want in your life. Package deal, bro." Quite often, it's a have your cake and eat it, too situation for the dumper.

This is such a great way to sum everything up regarding this issue.

spokes
07-06-2006, 01:18 PM
And, quite frankly, I don't need anymore friends. But, that's me...


i agree with this whole heartedly - I can't really wrap my head around being intimate with someone and then just moving off to the sidelines of thier life.

there is no silver bullet for this problem - to me time was the only thing that dulled the pain on the upside of it all was the fact that for a while i did lose some unwanted weight and it was nice to be less than 200lbs for a month....

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 01:36 PM
If you WANTED to be just friends with somebody, you'd have been just friends in the first place, no?

meatwad
07-06-2006, 02:04 PM
There is approximately a 1:3,500,000,000 chance he was the only one for you. Play the odds, move on, find happiness. If there really was only one person out there for us, I'd be playing the lottery twice a week because I'd be a hell of a lot more likely to win that then find a wife.

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 02:06 PM
A lot of people date/marry people who aren't right for them, though. The odds of meeting truly compatible people ARE kind of slim. Most people settle.

While I don't believe that there is just one person in the world that's right for a given individual, I also don't believe that it's as easy as just picking a person off the street.

meatwad
07-06-2006, 02:13 PM
A lot of people date/marry people who aren't right for them, though. The odds of meeting truly compatible people ARE kind of slim. Most people settle.

While I don't believe that there is just one person in the world that's right for a given individual, I also don't believe that it's as easy as just picking a person off the street.

Nope, but the odds are that you'll never even meet the one person that's the most perfect match for you and if you think you will you'll probably be in for a disappointment. When you get the boat out of the water, you best pull that vegitation off your motor or else you're gonna over run the bluer waters with more crappy plants. Damn I'm deep. Or full of it. Seriously, did that make any sense?

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 02:19 PM
Nope, but the odds are that you'll never even meet the one person that's the most perfect match for you and if you think you will you'll probably be in for a disappointment.

Isn't that the question, though? Which is the worse disappointment? Is it worse to settle and be spend your life in the disappointment that you settled, or is it worse to hold out and run the risk of being alone, but not settling? I lean to the latter, myself. At least I know I'm good company for myself. I'd rather not be with somebody who's just not right, simply because it's perceived as better than being alone. I don't need to be married that badly, to be perfectly honest.

I'm reminded of a former QLCer who often said..."I just want some girl who's interested in me...that's good enough." It always made me sad.

MetFanL
07-06-2006, 02:21 PM
I just feel that the line between settling and holding out is getting more and more blurred as I get older. I have trouble distinguishing between settling and compromising. And,when you've never loved, how do you know what it feels like?

meatwad
07-06-2006, 02:22 PM
Isn't that the question, though? Which is the worse disappointment? Is it worse to settle and be spend your life in the disappointment that you settled, or is it worse to hold out and run the risk of being alone, but not settling? I lean to the latter, myself. At least I know I'm good company for myself. I'd rather not be with somebody who's just not right, simply because it's perceived as better than being alone. I don't need to be married that badly, to be perfectly honest.

I'm reminded of a former QLCer who often said..."I just want some girl who's interested in me...that's good enough." It always made me sad.

I'm not saying settle for some schmuck. But if you convince yourself the the ex is the 'Only one for me he's so perfect I'll never meet another like him my life is ruined omfgwtfbringonthehelmans,' then you'll never move on and find out that it is highly likely that there's someone BETTER out there.

kipper
07-06-2006, 02:27 PM
It's not cool to tell someone to just stop pining away. That's like the police chasing after you and them yelling for you to just calm down. If only life was so simplistic.

Real love is never forgotten. I have a similar situation and it's been over a year too. Take all the time you need and someday someone else will make you feel it again, but it will be hard to think about until it does.

meatwad
07-06-2006, 02:44 PM
It's not cool to tell someone to just stop pining away. That's like the police chasing after you and them yelling for you to just calm down. If only life was so simplistic.

Real love is never forgotten. I have a similar situation and it's been over a year too. Take all the time you need and someday someone else will make you feel it again, but it will be hard to think about until it does.

Cool or not, it's good advice. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's necessary.

wordsmith
07-06-2006, 02:46 PM
I'm not saying settle for some schmuck. But if you convince yourself the the ex is the 'Only one for me he's so perfect I'll never meet another like him my life is ruined omfgwtfbringonthehelmans,' then you'll never move on and find out that it is highly likely that there's someone BETTER out there.

Nah, I'm not saying that. My post was only in response to the idea that, "Well, odds are, you'll never meet the "right" kind of person anyway, so might as well just suck it up."

Winter Storm
07-06-2006, 03:02 PM
I just feel that the line between settling and holding out is getting more and more blurred as I get older. I have trouble distinguishing between settling and compromising. And,when you've never loved, how do you know what it feels like?

This is an interesting question, Met. I wonder too, as the months have turned into years, how will I know if I am settling or just compromising or working with what comes along. I do worry that I won't be able to tell.

And I have loved before and haven't known a love like that since. Sadly, eveything feels like a huge compromise next to that. :frustrate

and1grad
07-06-2006, 03:31 PM
I agree with meat. If you allow yourself to believe that nobody will ever make you feel as loved, you never WILL feel that way. You're only hurting yourself.

tammync
07-06-2006, 03:57 PM
It looks like you're getting lots of great advice. I know exactly where you are, though. I still struggle (not quite daily anymore) to move on from the first man I thought I would marry and we've been apart for a year and a half. I am glad you deleted your ex from your myspace. I would also suggest that you delete his e-mail address, phone number - any way you have of getting in touch with him. For me, this was so helpful because then I wasn't able to be tempted to contact him. I also put away all his gifts, letters, etc. I didn't burn them or anything (that seems a bit extreme to me) but I did put them away in a box at the back of my closet.

This may sound harsh or extreme, but one of the most helpful things I found was to think of my ex as if he were dead. Don't misunderstand - I wasn't thinking of him this way maliciously by any means. But if you don't think of him as being alive, then he doesn't "have a life" apart from your own. Did that make any sense? Anyway, it helped for me.

Moving on from someone you love very much is so hard - I have yet to experience anything more difficult in my life and I've experienced some relatively traumatic things.

This is going to sound super duper cliche (and I hate cliches), but a friend of mine tells me this every time I start to feel blue & depressed and lonely, missing my ex again and it really does help to hear it - everything WILL be okay. Did you ever see that Tom Hanks movie where he gets stranded on an island alone for years and years? Hanks has a little speach near the end of that movie that I absolutely love and that always speaks to me and others in this situation. He's talking to a friend about his hearbreak over the fact that his wife remarried while he was "lost at sea." He's talking about how he plans to "move on" - that thing everyone tells you to do when your heart has been shattered and life has lost its luster - he says he'll wake up each morning, "breathe in and out..." I wish I could remember more of it, but rent that movie and, even if you don't watch the whole thing, fast forward to that part and I think it will speak to what you're experiencing in life.

jessica1318
07-06-2006, 04:07 PM
It's hard. A relationship I was very serious about ended 4 years ago, and I was devastated when it happened. It took a while before I was ready to date again. We live on opposite ends of the state now, and there are times when I wonder how he's doing and if he's ever regretted his decision. Overall, though, I can be happy for having had that experience and I have moved on.

MetFanL
07-06-2006, 04:20 PM
I would also suggest that you delete his e-mail address, phone number - any way you have of getting in touch with him.

This is good advice. Treat it like a credit card you don't want to use. I wouldn't get rid of it entirely, but definitely take it off your cell phone and out of your e-mail address book. I did that IMMEDIATELY and just put it in my little address book at home so I have it, if I ever decide I want to use it, but it's not easily accessible. Drunk dialing is ALWAYS a mistake.

Admin
07-07-2006, 09:53 PM
Its hard, but don't go further before your heart takes on more pain. Let it go in early stages. EARLY.