Teenage Brother

[CityGal]

Any of you guys know how to handle a rebellious teen? Does anybody having parenting ideas from a teen’s perspective on how to get a teen organized or somewhat focusing on not destroying their life? My younger brother is in that lovely stage of life and of course is driving my mother crazy, stressed, and worried. I really have run out of ideas. I was somewhat rebellious but nothing as bad as my brother.

[winneythepooh7]

I would suggest trying to get him involved in different types of activities where there are positive role models around. Maybe find him a "mentor" a few years older. I'm not an expert in this area, but I know we have others who have worked with teens who may be able to offer more insight. I hate to say it, but I think sometimes "boys are going to be boys" no matter what and it's hard to stop them from doing stupid things they want to do, because that will just make them want to do them more. Plus I think in general, boys are more impulsive and easily influenced to do bad stuff. I know my boyfriend was a total hellion at that age. I could fill the boards with stories about him. He turned out okay though. One more suggestion I have is if your parents enroll in a parenting support group for parents of teens. Believe it or not, I've seen groups like these advertised fairly regulary on Craigslist of all places........

[CityGal]

Mentoring doesn't sound too bad. I have tried being his positive role model, but have failed miserably. I have tried getting him involved in 'positive' things, but I think he believes they are too 'high' class for him. Hmmm...maybe i'll get him to do something somewhat neutral. Thanks for the craigslist suggestion. Craiglist is the BEST!

[KeepRockin]

Michael Thompson wrote a book that inspired a documentary about the emotional needs of boys. I found it really helpful when working with urban high school students this past year. I actually based a few of my own workshops off of the program. You can watch it online: RAISING CAIN (http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/)

If nothing else, it will give some visual representations of how boys differ from girls and what they need from infancy through adolescence.

I agree that getting him involved in something that he'll enjoy (a sport, job, etc) will surround him with positive role models. There are also great summer programs/camps that aren't necessarily for "troubled" teens, but focus on motivating teens towards success. Search through the American Camping Association (http://www.acacamps.org).

I used to work for a camp that got a lot of rebellious teens because parents would send them thinking it was an "academic" camp (which part of it was) as an alternative to summer school, but we focused a lot on life skills and communication...I saw some inspirational "a-ha" moments where a teenager realized how their actions may be setting a path in the wrong direction and they made the commitment to change their ways.

He WILL grow out of it and become successful- never lose hope that he will snap out of his delinquent behavior!!!

[winneythepooh7]

Some times I am convinced that my boyfriend has ADHD that was never diagnosed, which I feel was related to some of his crazy behavior growing up. What worked for him was getting him involved in the arts and the "trades". For him carpentry opened up a whole new world. While he was still young though, he loved anything arts-related. His mother used to take him to Michael's-type stores where he would get all types of arts and crafts things. I know most schools these days have alternative education programs focusing on the trades. Don't rule things like these out either for your brother. I'm not surprised that he's not responsive to you either. Only recently has my younger sister started to relate to me, and she recently turned 23!! I guess what I am trying to say, is to focus on his strengths, and build from there. Is there a reason as well that he may be acting the way he is? Something with the family? With his friends? Both? Plus it's an age-old fact that if people are constantly getting responses towards their negative behaviors, they will continue to do this "stuff" because it's some type of attention they are getting ;).

[wordsmith]

Mentoring, mentoring, mentoring. Having a role model you can relate to, who expects a lot of you makes a HUGE difference.

I worked with at-risk teen boys, and from experience, it doesn't get much more rebellious than kids whose parents are prostitutes/dealers/shady/entirely absent. Rebelliousness is very tough to handle and requires delicate stepping, keeping one step ahead of the game, and infinite patience so you don't accidentally push it further.

One thing that I learned in my time as a youth worker (which was hard for me to come to terms with as an older sister, but it's true). A male mentor can typically take a boy a LOT further than a female mentor, because the bonding/dynamic is different. It can be hard to find, because most youth workers/mentors are female, statistically; guys that do this are few and far between. But if you can pair him up with a guy mentor, it's likely to be the most effective.

[CityGal]

Ugh....I am finding it very difficult to get him to accept a mentor. How do you you introduce a mentor without really introducing a mentor? I am trying really hard to involve my brother in activities and other positive things but he ALWAYS declines. He says he is too busy to do anything. His excuse is that he needs to focus on his life and priorities now...which i find very difficult if he is staying out very late and hanging with friends all the time. I don't see how he is really focusing on the task at hand. He says he is but how is he doing that by causing my mother to stress about his well being if he comes home at 5 and 6 am almost every day.

[wordsmith]

Another thing is to get him involved AS a mentor. It's hard to be a shithead when you have a younger kid counting on you that you're supposed to be the role model FOR.

Take this as the observation that it is and not judgment, but it sounds like discipline and boundaries are probably an issue and and established on, if it's to the point where your brother thinks it's acceptable to come home at 6 a.m. How has it gotten to the point where he's either devoid of or ignoring of basic rules?

[KeepRockin]

I don't see how he is really focusing on the task at hand. He says he is but how is he doing that by causing my mother to stress about his well being if he comes home at 5 and 6 am almost every day.
coming home that late should NOT be an option for a teenager, ever!

How has it gotten to the point where he's either devoid of or ignoring of basic rules?
i second that one...

[shimma]

Any of you guys know how to handle a rebellious teen? Does anybody having parenting ideas from a teen’s perspective on how to get a teen organized or somewhat focusing on not destroying their life? My younger brother is in that lovely stage of life and of course is driving my mother crazy, stressed, and worried. I really have run out of ideas. I was somewhat rebellious but nothing as bad as my brother.


Not to sound harsh, but did you give birth to him? Adopt him?

I didn't think so. Oldest daughter should not equal third parent.

Sure, encourage him to get involved in sports, or car mechanics, or a part time job, whatever's not too "highbrow" for him, but... listen carefully...

This is your parents' problem, and their responsibility to deal with it. They are older, wiser, and most importantly, are experienced parents, when you are not even a parent yet. If they can't take care of that (no reflection on them) they may need to enlist professional help. Not an older sibling.

[wordsmith]

Um, sounds to me like she was looking for suggestions for her mom, not raising her brother.

I'm an older sibling, and I offer support my parents and offer suggestions when they ask. Doesn't mean I'm "raising" my siblings or attempting to. Families often work together in this way.

[shimma]

Um, sounds to me like she was looking for suggestions for her mom, not raising her brother.

I'm an older sibling, and I offer support my parents and offer suggestions when they ask. Doesn't mean I'm "raising" my siblings or attempting to. Families often work together in this way.

I'm also the oldest of 4. While I don't have a problem telling my parents, "here is what you did wrong with me that you shouldn't repeat with Moe, Larry, and Curly", I have had to set the boundary that I am not the third parent. My life has been easier since we established this understanding. There was an expectation that I would actively go out of my way to help my parents "fix" my siblings' problems when I was growing up, and it's unfair to put a child (grown or not) through that.

[wordsmith]

I guess only CityGal can say if that's the expectation being placed on her, or if she's choosing for herself to be as actively involved as she herself is comfortable with.

[biodork]

My brother went through pretty much the same thing, had several years where I was really afraid he would completely ruin his life.

The one thing I will say is that whatever suggestions you give to your mom, she MUST follow through with them. I tried many times to get my parents to do something, gave them plenty of options, and they'd say they were going to do something, start it, and then go nowhere with it. And of course that only reinforced his behavior and basically made it out like he could get away with anything.

It really took A LOT to get them to a point where they actually did what they said they were going to do. They could have avoided so much crap had they just done something sooner.

[wordsmith]

What worries me is that if he's already staying out all night and doing his own thing, the pattern is set into motion, and it's REALLY hard to bring a kid back to acceptable behavior, once you've set a precedent for accepting the unwanted behavior. Once the expectation bar is set low, it's VERY hard to raise it successfully. It's way easier to be a hardass early on and eventually let up than it is to be too lax initially and then be a hardass.

[winneythepooh7]

I also think that is important to point out to Mom & Dad, that if he does something "wrong" they could and will be held responsible. They could be brought up on child abuse/neglect charges. This is extreme, however, in this day and age, not so extreme.............If he is staying out until all hours, this certainly could be looked at as "neglect in oversight of a minor". I used to also work with teens who got PINS petitions against them (= "Person in Need of Supervision" by the courts) and were sent to group homes and residential facilities where it is a much worse place to be. We had a saying as staff members working there:

"If the kid didn't have an STD when they got there, they definitely would by the time they left".............

If the situation is as bad as you say, I think your parents need to seek professional help, before it is placed on them against their will.

[shimma]

sent to group homes and residential facilities where it is a much worse place to be. We had a saying as staff members working there:

"If the kid didn't have an STD when they got there, they definitely would by the time they left".............

If the situation is as bad as you say, I think your parents need to seek professional help, before it is placed on them against their will.

Sounds like the staff of those residential facilities shold be brought up on child abuse/neglect charges themselves.

Because of what winney, biodork, and words all are saying, I think you need to tell your mom to call a professional.

[winneythepooh7]

Sounds like the staff of those residential facilities shold be brought up on child abuse/neglect charges themselves.

Because of what winney, biodork, and words all are saying, I think you need to tell your mom to call a professional.


My whole point is that those are not places you want your brother to end up in. And it's not the staff who are at fault, it's the system in general, and usually, by the time kids get to that serious of a point, the majority of them are "lost" already and nothing really is going to save them. They do as they want and don't care about consequences, even if that means sleeping with someone and getting AIDS.

[CityGal]

Keeprockin and Wordsmith, I have no idea how he got that way. I moved out of my mom's house at 18 and have been on my own for the past five years without much financial support from my mother. He moved into my aunt's house for a few months because he got into trouble and my mom was still as financially supportive as she is now. I have no idea when he started becoming that way.

Shimma, I totally agree, but my mom is desperate and I hate seeing her that way. And no you weren't too hard. It is true after all. Sometimes I feel my quarterlife stems from me trying to help solve everyone else's problems. I often feel weighed down and that I cannot do most of the things I want (like travel and move to another state/country) because I am afraid that while I am gone everything will fall apart....after all that's when I think everything started falling apart from my brother. While I was still living at home he wasn't doing half the things he is doing now.

'There was an expectation that I would actively go out of my way to help my parents "fix" my siblings' problems when I was growing up, and it's unfair to put a child (grown or not) through that.' I completely understand where you are coming from. My mom is constantly asking me to speak with my brother so that he can get his life together and I have tried but to no avail. I keep telling her to let him fall really hard so that maybe he'll realize what he's doing.


Wordsmith, my mom was almost very strict with us growing up. She never allowed us to stay out passed midnight. Currently she works nights so its harder for her to keep an eye on my brother. She tries to check in with him by calling but since he's out of course she cannot reach him sometimes.


Winneythepooh7, that's crazy. I would never wish that on my brother or on anyone else.

What kind of professional do you guys suggest? A shrink? A teen counselor?


THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE WONDERFUL ADVICE. I would have never in a million years come up with all this. Guess it's a good life lesson on what to do and what not to do with your kids.

[KeepRockin]

What kind of professional do you guys suggest? A shrink? A teen counselor?

community health centers have mental health counselors- often ones that specialize in family therapy. try googling parent support groups in your area for your mom...she'll wind up with a group similar to us- people who won't always understand what you're going through, but can offer advice (whether it's taken or not is up to you!) and support. heck...i'm sure there are even online support forums for parents!!!!!!!!

[biodork]

What kind of professional do you guys suggest? A shrink? A teen counselor?

I believe my brother was in some sort of outpatient group, through maybe the local hospital or something. He had independent counseling with someone one-on-one, and then also met with other people in a group that parents were invited to go to at times. Although my brother went to this because of his drug use. I don't know if this is what your brother will need. I think if my parents had gotten my brother to continue this it would have done him a lot of good. But of course they didn't.

[CityGal]

Who knows if my brother will volunteerily go to a counselor. I suggested he volunteer and told him I would join in, but he said no. He said he is too busy to volunteer...he says he needs to focus on getting a job, graduating school, and handling his personal life. I really doubt he is doing any of that if he is out late partying all the time.

[winneythepooh7]

Who knows if my brother will volunteerily go to a counselor. I suggested he volunteer and told him I would join in, but he said no. He said he is too busy to volunteer...he says he needs to focus on getting a job, graduating school, and handling his personal life. I really doubt he is doing any of that if he is out late partying all the time.


Well, then perhaps your parents should go to learn some strategies to deal with his behavior. Are they in NYC? I am sure that they can find someone here that specializes in family therapy. And this is a family problem.

[KeepRockin]

Who knows if my brother will volunteerily go to a counselor. I suggested he volunteer and told him I would join in, but he said no. He said he is too busy to volunteer...he says he needs to focus on getting a job, graduating school, and handling his personal life. I really doubt he is doing any of that if he is out late partying all the time.
your mom needs to stop giving him money, take away his car (or any form of transportation- including rides from friends), etc. old-fashioned grounding!!!!! he's too young to have a "personal life"- your mother is still responsible for him.

if he's sneaking out with his friends, your mother should be in touch with OTHER mothers/fathers about what is going on---his friends are most likely lying to their parents as well. parent power!!

my oldest sister suggested to my brother that he goes to weight watchers and she'd go as well. honestly, the last thing a little brother wants/needs(although mine is most definitely overweight and yours most definitely has a delinquency problem) is a big sister pushing them to do something they're not ready for...or too cool for.

now, in all of this there's been no mention of a father...i'm assuming he's not around (??). if your brother is being raised by his mother and sister, he's probably craving the attention of a male role model. grandfather, uncle, friends' father, neighbor, etc...just a thought.

[the dude]

I don’t know how old he is, but sign him up for military service. 6 months in Iraq, and I guarantee he comes back acting like a mature adult.

[biodork]

your mom needs to stop giving him money, take away his car (or any form of transportation- including rides from friends), etc. old-fashioned grounding!!!!! he's too young to have a "personal life"- your mother is still responsible for him.
My parents actually ended up doing exactly this and it was the first thing they ever followed through on. They warned him they would get rid of his car if he kept up with what he was doing. And when he stole a ton of money from them they finally put his car up for sale and sold it. He was basically grounded, and since his HS was right next to my parents business he had to go there after school to do homework, and then home with one of my parents. They kept tabs on him 24/7.

He is actually going to college this fall, so I'm hoping he's finally getting things together.

[weary]

this thread breaks my heart b/c i have my own teen-aged boy i am dealing with! (i was a very young mom.) i also was the oldest child, so had to do the sibling/parenting thing. ugh. anyway, the cliches are 100% true:

-children learn by example
-consistency is key
-boys (usually) need more boundaries

if your mom is not sticking to the consequences she sets, your bro is learning that what she says does not really count for anything b/c what she does is the opposite. (this can be applied to both positive and negative situations/reinforcement.)

i can tell you from experience, kids learn how to manipulate amazingly fast simply based on the parents actions (or lack thereof). i hung a punishment over my son's head for weeks and weeks and when i finally carried it out his response was utter shock and "i didn't think you'd really do it!" :eek:

whatever your mom decides, she's GOT TO follow-through. also, if her work situation cannot be adjusted to hours that allow her to monitor your brother's whereabouts and actions, as drastic as it sounds i'd suggest she find another job or have your bro live with someone who can better (monitor him), like maybe the aunt you mentioned. at his age even the most mature/well-behaved teen will be tempted with all that unsupervised time.

best of luck.

[wordsmith]

Also bear in mind that the issues can be exacerbated by him going to live with somebody else. As mentioned above, consistency is a major thing in discipline and behavior management, and it doesn't help things at all to be shuffled around to various guardians who themselves have different expectations, different boundaries, and different ways of going about things.

[weary]

very true words. can also lead to abandonment issues. i think it really depends on the child and the [alternate] caregiver. maybe someone can stay IN the home w/ him while mom's at work. kind of old for a babysitter, but whatever is done, mom gone all night and kid free = disaster.

[wordsmith]

True words...right behind abuse, on the heirarchy of things that severely mess kids up, lies lack of supervision.

[biodork]

True words...right behind abuse, on the heirarchy of things that severely mess kids up, lies lack of supervision.
My brother actually said to my bf that he would do things hoping my parents would step in and say something about what he was doing, but they wouldn't. He said they were too easy on him.

[wordsmith]

My brother actually said to my bf that he would do things hoping my parents would step in and say something about what he was doing, but they wouldn't. He said they were too easy on him.

Kids mostly push boundaries TO see if anybody cares enough to do anything about it.

[CityGal]

When my mom sent him to live with my aunt he was also pushing the envelope with her. She would stay up worrying about him because it would be 3 in the morning and he wasn't home. She really couldn't take it and definitely didn't want to be held responsible for his lack of consideration and respect. In a way I believe my brother is acting like this as a way to get attention from my mom and anyone else he could get it from.

This past Sunday I went to my mom's house to pick her up for our family dinner at my aunt's house. My brother was apparently too busy watching TV to want to come with us. As I was leaving he yells out 'great way to buy her love'. At first all I could do was laugh. How dare this kid think I'm trying to buy her love. My mom was recently in a car accident about two to three weeks ago and thank god she came out of it alive. Unfortunately she was spitting up blood from her mouth and nose. NO ONE in my family felt the need to tell me she was in a car accident. They waited over a day to let me know about it and the only reason I think they called me was because they couldn't find her. I really got worried and went to her house to look for her and had just missed her as she went to work. I went to her job to see if she was ok or not. Thankfully she was there and was A OK with a few brusies around her neck. She scared the CRAP out of me. Seeing as my mom is one of the most difficult people to get in contact with besides my brother I decided to get her a cell phone...so that next time (God forbide) she gets involved in a car accident she can call an ambulance or someone. I knew my brother was going to be jealous that I got her a cell phone but I had no idea he would think I was trying to buy her. So...because of this I really think he is trying to get her attention and approval.

My mom is definitely a lot laid back about my brother than she ever was with me. She also enables him to do alot of the crap he does. Hmm...my mom definitley needs to be tougher. She was alot stricter with us when we were younger but for some reason she just got softer as the years progressed which is understandable. I just don't get how he came to be this way. My brother definitley had a lot of self-estem issues growing up and was a bit of a pansy (ha. he was). He has definitely gotten alot tougher throughout the years--unbearably.

[KeepRockin]

In a way I believe my brother is acting like this as a way to get attention from my mom and anyone else he could get it from.
BINGO! And again, is there a MALE role model around for him?? Maybe he needs a mature adult MAN to be around...doesn't sound like you, Mom and Aunt are able to handle him. An uncle, older male cousin, something?

If you're looking into counseling for your brother, I would definitely look into a male counselor so he doesn't feel like every woman in the world is trying to conform him to their lifestyle. He needs someone to knock some sense into him about how disrepectful he's being to all of the women in his life....and one more woman telling him how to behave isn't going to work.