enigma
07-13-2006, 11:41 AM
I read these two articles a month or so ago and thought it had a lot of good info. I think a lot of people (myself included) are nicer than they are feeling. For me, it is because I care about some people so much that I want to be as nice to them as possible. Maybe this is wrong...
The curse of being too nice in the world of dating and mating
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
(“Everything You Want” lyrics by Vertical Horizon)
Genuinely-nice people are out there.
Basically they feel secure in themselves, and are able to draw on a larger-than-average personal reserve of goodwill towards others. So...they don’t require a lot of recognition and reward for being nice. And sure, sometimes they get frustrated, or even ticked off, with other people’s meanness, but they don’t perpetually carry around a big sack of resentment because of it.
Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that some (not all…) potential romantic partners will assume:
Nice = Boring
And that’s why, in the world of dating and mating, being a good person can feel like a curse. The thing is, if you’re a good person who’s primed for a long-term, serious relationship, there ARE people out there who can match up well with you. The challenging part, of course, is finding them.
Then there are the people who just appear on the surface to be super-nice in dating and relationships. There’s a big gap between how they act and how they feel. And until they become aware of that gap and make some changes, they aren’t going to match up well with anyone.
That's why I think that acting a lot nicer than you feel with the opposite sex can be a big, fat curse for you -- and for them.
Because, behind that mask of niceness, other things tend to lurk that will sabotage people in dating situations and relationships:
Anger
Hostility
Fear of conflict
Need for control
Lack of self-confidence
Overwhelming desire to be liked
How do you know when you’ve gotten involved with someone who’s acting -- but not necessarily feeling -- nice?
At the least, you’ll feel confused, because there’s a sense of disconnect between the person’s nice act with you, and the undercurrent of bad feeling that’s coming your way. Some would call this passive-aggression. Name it what you will. The downside is that you’ll most likely feel guilty, resentful, and ultimately, trapped with that person.
Here’s the harder question: how would you know if you've been struck with the curse of acting much nicer than you authentically feel in dating situations and relationships?
Remember that big sack of resentment? If you're carrying it around from relationship to relationship, and you're still determined to come across as super-nice, the curse might have struck you. But there's good news. The curse CAN be broken.
Next time I'll tell you how.
Break the curse of acting nicer than you feel
“To be a bitch or not to be a bitch, that is the question.”
(Shannon Doherty)
In my recent post, “The curse of being too nice,” I described two big warning signs that you might be spending too much time and energy, acting nicer than you feel:
Resentment follows you from relationship to relationship because you think that nobody’s as nice to you as you are to them
You’re still determined to be recognized and valued for being super nice
Judging from the great comments offered up on the first “Curse” post, some of you are way ahead on the curve for this one. Either you’ve been there, done that, and gotten a handle on it, or it was never an issue for you. But I’ve known quite a few women through the years who feel for various reasons that being nice, no matter what, is the only way to go.
And do you know what I hear most often from women who've been working extra-hard to be, or at least, act nice -- even when they don’t really feel like it?
"It would be so much easier if I were a bitch."
But would it be? I think it's just as much work to keep up a super-sized bad attitude as it is to be super nice.
Still, it's not surprising that women wonder, just as Jodi did in her comment, why men stay with the Shannon Dohertys of the world. Is it because they're real? Yes, some men would rather be with a woman who's real and bitchy than fake and nice. Then again, some men would really rather be ALONE than take on a woman with a high-maintenance bad attitude.
That's why breaking "the curse" of acting nicer than you feel is NOT about going to the other negative extreme. As NML put it in her comment, it's about learning "how to be ourselves naturally."
I’d add that in our relationships with men, we need to learn how to be our best selves naturally. That means each woman being that REAL blend of the good, the bad, and the ugly that is uniquely her. Unfortunately, if you’re accustomed to using niceness as your “honey” in dating and relationships, and you start letting some of the not-as-nice parts hang out, it can be scary at first.
So start slowly. No need to let it all hang out at once, right?
And, if the centerpiece of your self-worth has been your willingness to act nice, even when you feel resentful, then take another good look at yourself. I bet you've been overlooking some of the best real qualities you have.
The curse of being too nice in the world of dating and mating
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
(“Everything You Want” lyrics by Vertical Horizon)
Genuinely-nice people are out there.
Basically they feel secure in themselves, and are able to draw on a larger-than-average personal reserve of goodwill towards others. So...they don’t require a lot of recognition and reward for being nice. And sure, sometimes they get frustrated, or even ticked off, with other people’s meanness, but they don’t perpetually carry around a big sack of resentment because of it.
Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that some (not all…) potential romantic partners will assume:
Nice = Boring
And that’s why, in the world of dating and mating, being a good person can feel like a curse. The thing is, if you’re a good person who’s primed for a long-term, serious relationship, there ARE people out there who can match up well with you. The challenging part, of course, is finding them.
Then there are the people who just appear on the surface to be super-nice in dating and relationships. There’s a big gap between how they act and how they feel. And until they become aware of that gap and make some changes, they aren’t going to match up well with anyone.
That's why I think that acting a lot nicer than you feel with the opposite sex can be a big, fat curse for you -- and for them.
Because, behind that mask of niceness, other things tend to lurk that will sabotage people in dating situations and relationships:
Anger
Hostility
Fear of conflict
Need for control
Lack of self-confidence
Overwhelming desire to be liked
How do you know when you’ve gotten involved with someone who’s acting -- but not necessarily feeling -- nice?
At the least, you’ll feel confused, because there’s a sense of disconnect between the person’s nice act with you, and the undercurrent of bad feeling that’s coming your way. Some would call this passive-aggression. Name it what you will. The downside is that you’ll most likely feel guilty, resentful, and ultimately, trapped with that person.
Here’s the harder question: how would you know if you've been struck with the curse of acting much nicer than you authentically feel in dating situations and relationships?
Remember that big sack of resentment? If you're carrying it around from relationship to relationship, and you're still determined to come across as super-nice, the curse might have struck you. But there's good news. The curse CAN be broken.
Next time I'll tell you how.
Break the curse of acting nicer than you feel
“To be a bitch or not to be a bitch, that is the question.”
(Shannon Doherty)
In my recent post, “The curse of being too nice,” I described two big warning signs that you might be spending too much time and energy, acting nicer than you feel:
Resentment follows you from relationship to relationship because you think that nobody’s as nice to you as you are to them
You’re still determined to be recognized and valued for being super nice
Judging from the great comments offered up on the first “Curse” post, some of you are way ahead on the curve for this one. Either you’ve been there, done that, and gotten a handle on it, or it was never an issue for you. But I’ve known quite a few women through the years who feel for various reasons that being nice, no matter what, is the only way to go.
And do you know what I hear most often from women who've been working extra-hard to be, or at least, act nice -- even when they don’t really feel like it?
"It would be so much easier if I were a bitch."
But would it be? I think it's just as much work to keep up a super-sized bad attitude as it is to be super nice.
Still, it's not surprising that women wonder, just as Jodi did in her comment, why men stay with the Shannon Dohertys of the world. Is it because they're real? Yes, some men would rather be with a woman who's real and bitchy than fake and nice. Then again, some men would really rather be ALONE than take on a woman with a high-maintenance bad attitude.
That's why breaking "the curse" of acting nicer than you feel is NOT about going to the other negative extreme. As NML put it in her comment, it's about learning "how to be ourselves naturally."
I’d add that in our relationships with men, we need to learn how to be our best selves naturally. That means each woman being that REAL blend of the good, the bad, and the ugly that is uniquely her. Unfortunately, if you’re accustomed to using niceness as your “honey” in dating and relationships, and you start letting some of the not-as-nice parts hang out, it can be scary at first.
So start slowly. No need to let it all hang out at once, right?
And, if the centerpiece of your self-worth has been your willingness to act nice, even when you feel resentful, then take another good look at yourself. I bet you've been overlooking some of the best real qualities you have.