feeling embarrased about salary

[lonestar]

Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Embarrassed about how little I make especially because at 27 my dad already had two kids, a home and a car. I just get so depressed about being unable to measure up sometimes and I just need to know how to get a job that pays well...

At 27, he already had a law degree and I still just have a bachelors...I feel like such a shmuck...isn't it the purpose of generations to prop their kids up to do better than the previous one...I have completely failed with that.

[wordsmith]

Nope, not embarrassed.

I feel defensive of it, though, b/c people are critical and pull the "I could never IMAGINE making that little," and do the condescending and insincere, "Well, I guess if you really LOVE what you do..." pitying thing.

Annoyed at ignorant jackasses. But not embarrassed. I'm VERY proud of my work. And I'd rather be doing it than some unimportant bullshit busywork job even if it made me three times as much.

[dreams82]

No, you haven't failed. Don't worry. I feel the same way, and I too am embarrased about my salary. I know I shouldn't be though, because it is my first 'real' job out of school, and it's only a stepping stone to something better (hopefully). Don't compare yourself to anyone, that will only make you feel worse. I am sure you're doing the best you can at the moment.

[lonestar]

I just need to know how to get a job that pays good money so I don't feel like my family looks down on me as the failure who didn't go into a professional like law or medicine...granted, I am pursuing an accounting career but I still feel like shit about it...

[weary]

don't be embarrased or get caught up comparing yourself to others. i make more than most of my friends but i've also been working forever b/c i had a kid young. if i worried about having/doing the same things (freedoms, opportunities) they do i'd make myself miserable and crazy.

i SO want to do something other than what i do for a living and when/if i am able to make that change i will make far less than i do now. it won't matter b/c my kid will be out of the house by then...but i won't be embarassed by how much - or little - i make either.

don't put too much value on the money (no pun intended). what's important to you, outside of $?

[wordsmith]

I just need to know how to get a job that pays good money so I don't feel like my family looks down on me as the failure who didn't go into a professional like law or medicine...granted, I am pursuing an accounting career but I still feel like shit about it...

If your family is this judmental, do you ever REALLY think you're going to escape the feelings of judgment? I don't.

Even if you had an "approved" job, they'd probably find something else to look down on you for, no?

It's hard when it's family, harder than when it's strangers, for sure. But you really do have to come to terms with the fact that you need to be happy with your choices with or without approval of the masses. Only you live your life. Nobody else.

[lonestar]

making sure my family doesn't think I am a loser...that's pretty important...my dad and his side of the family are pretty high pressure...my grandfather was a recognized Orthopeodic Surgeon, my dad's sisters are both doctors (endocrinologist, neurologist), my dad's an attorney and CEO of a construction company. Its hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you aren't contributing as much to society as they are...

What really hurts sometimes is the "pity" factor - when I brought home my diploma from a state university certain members of my family looked at it like it was obtained at rinky-dink U as compared to their alma maters like Kenyon (which I guess is really good), Cornell, and Johns Hopkins.

[wordsmith]

Again, if your family thinks you're a loser, they're not very decent. Families don't do that.

Won't they just find something else to knock you for? Maybe being unmarried? Not working for the RIGHT place? Etc.

[lonestar]

Granted their attitude sucks, but it still hurts a little to be looked at that way...

Oh the being unmarried thing is totally pissing them off...my grandmother called six months ago and demanded to know if I was gay...that was kind of funny becuase I was tempted to tell her I was and see how she'd take it.

[wordsmith]

This is my point.

Yes, it hurts. But they're obviously not interested in treating you well...so you're going to have to make your own happiness and satisfaction without them.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Why does your family need to know how much you make to begin with? That's your own personal business. They don't need to know.

If you're happy what you're doing and it's enough income to support yourself, then that's all that matters. More money isn't going to make things better.

[wordsmith]

I don't think he is happy though. But he might be if he weren't so heavily dependent upon parent approval.

[weary]

[QUOTE=lonestar]making sure my family doesn't think I am a loser...that's pretty important...my dad and his side of the family are pretty high pressure...my grandfather was a recognized Orthopeodic Surgeon, my dad's sisters are both doctors (endocrinologist, neurologist), my dad's an attorney and CEO of a construction company. Its hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you aren't contributing as much to society as they are...[QUOTE]

OMG...since when are contributing to society and making a lot of $ intertwined???!!! :eek: teachers make peanuts and are largely responsible for the sucess of many, many people in the world. athletes make more $ than god and all they have to do is bounce/kick/hit/catch balls.

DO NOT feed into this mentality your family has got going on!

[lonestar]

Why does your family need to know how much you make to begin with? That's your own personal business. They don't need to know.

If you're happy what you're doing and it's enough income to support yourself, then that's all that matters. More money isn't going to make things better.

They don't know my true salary, I gave my dad a slightly "inflated" figure and he said that it is hardly any money and that I should be working harder...I would if I could find a job that rewards based on harder work...that's why I hope after I get my MPA I can break into the Big 4...because they are demanding but pay pretty well and there are lots of opportunities to go for the "brass ring".

[wordsmith]

They don't know my true salary, I gave my dad a slightly "inflated" figure and he said that it is hardly any money and that I should be working harder...

BWAHAHAHAHAH! I cringe to think what your dad would say if he saw MY salary! And "should be working harder." Hah. As if how hard you work has a whole lot to do with what a job pays, in all fields. I work my ass off for my modest income.

[PenforPrez]

Granted their attitude sucks, but it still hurts a little to be looked at that way...

Oh the being unmarried thing is totally pissing them off...my grandmother called six months ago and demanded to know if I was gay...that was kind of funny becuase I was tempted to tell her I was and see how she'd take it.

That's the problem with my father. He doesn't understand how the economy works, and he still wishes I went into his union. But I'm not good with my hands like he was.

My father has asked my mother if I'm gay because I don't date a lot. Not that I don't want to; I just can't get a date, quite frankly. My father was my age in 1953; it's a lot different now, and he doesn't understand that.

You just have to be patient with them. I am with my father. My father turns 80 next year; when you get that age, you're never as far in touch as you used to be.

Paul

[lonestar]

See my dad was 26 in 1983...he turns 50 next year. He was 22 when I was born...and he just did what needed to be done to provide (quite well) for the family, including working nights as a stock clerk until he got his law degree in 1982.

All I want to do is make my folks proud...and I know what that takes...a big part of it is a really amazing job title, part of it is money...I think its this old school rush to get rich mentality that has existed for a long time with them...

As for the girl issue, I have dated and they know it, but they don't know the extent of my sexual tastes, so they just think I am a repressed homosexual.

[wordsmith]

Your family seems really disrespectful of you.

[weary]

i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but i would not seek approval from people like that. quite frankly, it doesn't make any sense to seek approval from people who's values are not aligned with your own or ones you aspire to have. it's not healthy and it's not worth it.

[jrwilheim]

I guess my embarassment is a little different--less, that I'm not making as much as my parents were making at my age as that I have to ask for certain kinds of help (I have yet to pay for my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving) that they allegedly didn't need when they were my age. Of course, there's a lot that isn't considered in all of this. For instance, when my parents graduated from college, my grandfather bought them a Toyota, not the fanciest car, but adjusted for inflation, that's about the amount of money my parents have given to help since graduation. But that doesn't mean I'm not embarassed about the plane ticket home.

[wordsmith]

i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but i would not seek approval from people like that. quite frankly, it doesn't make any sense to seek approval from people who's values are not aligned with your own or ones you aspire to have. it's not healthy and it's not worth it.


This is very sound advice.

[lighthouse4life]

making sure my family doesn't think I am a loser...that's pretty important...my dad and his side of the family are pretty high pressure...my grandfather was a recognized Orthopeodic Surgeon, my dad's sisters are both doctors (endocrinologist, neurologist), my dad's an attorney and CEO of a construction company. Its hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you aren't contributing as much to society as they are...

What really hurts sometimes is the "pity" factor - when I brought home my diploma from a state university certain members of my family looked at it like it was obtained at rinky-dink U as compared to their alma maters like Kenyon (which I guess is really good), Cornell, and Johns Hopkins.

Orthopedic surgeon eh... Mueller? Aebi? Arlett? (don't ask why I know these names, I had back surgery). They do have pretty staunch personalities. Especially when they are renowned.

[cheshrcarol]

I don't really get too bothered by it. I know my parents think I make peanuts, but when you make over 6 figures and have two incomes, my salary looks like practically poverty. But when they were first starting out my dad make $7k a year and my mom made $9k. They worked their way up and I know that I will too. My mom also told me the other weekend that she had no idea how I survived on one income and had never had to do that.

So anyway, my point is that what you're making now is not going to be what you're making at your parents' age. Tell them to back or that you're doing well, or whatever. And Lonestar, your parents are divorced right? If any comments are made about relationships, allude to the fact that you would rather wait for a relationship that will last. Getting married and having 2 kids by the time you're 27 is no extraordinary feat. And not having done either of those doesn't make you a failure either. God, I'd rather shoot myself than have that life at 27.

[Kitty]

Moving forward, don't even bother telling them what you make.

I don't tell my parents.

[lonestar]

I don't really get too bothered by it. I know my parents think I make peanuts, but when you make over 6 figures and have two incomes, my salary looks like practically poverty. But when they were first starting out my dad make $7k a year and my mom made $9k. They worked their way up and I know that I will too. My mom also told me the other weekend that she had no idea how I survived on one income and had never had to do that.

So anyway, my point is that what you're making now is not going to be what you're making at your parents' age. Tell them to back or that you're doing well, or whatever. And Lonestar, your parents are divorced right? If any comments are made about relationships, allude to the fact that you would rather wait for a relationship that will last. Getting married and having 2 kids by the time you're 27 is no extraordinary feat. And not having done either of those doesn't make you a failure either. God, I'd rather shoot myself than have that life at 27.

Yeah I don;t get the marraige stuff from my parents, who wouldn't DARE to comment to me or my brothers on how marriage is supposed to be (due to the highly flawed nature of theirs)...I mostly get the marriage crap from my grandparents, who think that, because 2 out of their three kids (my dad one of his sisters) ended with miserable marraiges that both ended up in divorce, somehow the current lineup of my brothers and cousins will help the family save some face. Also, my younger brother just announced his engagement. But my grandparents have no idea about my sexual preferences and what I want out of life in terms of romantic/intimate relationships, so I can ignore them a little easier on that front.

The biggest thing for my family is how flashy is your job, your wealth, ect...and as much as I hate that mentality, I have lived with it for so long that I sometimes break into that line of thinking and feel like crap because I don't measure up to them on those issues.

[CTGirl]

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family that doesnt care what I do with my life as long as I'm happy with it, but I have a lot of friends who were not so fortunate, and often feel, like you, like they have to measure up to what thier families expect of them. As harsh as it sounds, I really think that the best solution is to just try to distance yourself from that kind of thinking and try not to let their priorities affect the way you live your life--it's YOUR life afterall, not theirs

[yankeeyosh]

I'm making about the same as my mother right now...and I'm making more than my dad ever did. But my parents (especially my father) do feel that I'm not making enough right now, and at times, it does get to me...even though I think I'm doing all right despite the super-mind numbing work I do. But there's also a lot of peer pressure too in my generation...there are people years younger than me saying how they must live on $80K to live, and how they feel that $60K isn't enough, etc., and it makes me feel like I'm way behind the 8-ball in a sense. I know that ten years ago, the expectations weren't there...a person who was 28 and making as much as I am would be considered as doing quite well, even when inflation is taken into account. But the whole economic perception has changed this decade, and in many circles, the amount I make is unfortunately looked down upon, which I think is pretty unfair, especially when you consider that the average HOUSEHOLD in this country only brings in roughly $50K or so.

[Persephone]

I'm making about the same as my mother right now...and I'm making more than my dad ever did. But my parents (especially my father) do feel that I'm not making enough right now, and at times, it does get to me...even though I think I'm doing all right despite the super-mind numbing work I do. But there's also a lot of peer pressure too in my generation...there are people years younger than me saying how they must live on $80K to live, and how they feel that $60K isn't enough, etc., and it makes me feel like I'm way behind the 8-ball in a sense. I know that ten years ago, the expectations weren't there...a person who was 28 and making as much as I am would be considered as doing quite well, even when inflation is taken into account. But the whole economic perception has changed this decade, and in many circles, the amount I make is unfortunately looked down upon, which I think is pretty unfair, especially when you consider that the average HOUSEHOLD in this country only brings in roughly $50K or so.

I think Yankeeyosh's post is a good one, and it has reminded me that comparing yourself to others is really just a way of setting yourself up for disappointment. (S)he brings up comparisons in salary, mentioning how some people might be making 60k but feel they need to make 80k. But I ask: For what? Why does a person need 20k more a year? In my opinion, it'd be one thing if a person needs to make 20k more a year because they need to buy a medical brace for their disabled kid (happened in my area), but if you have no real reason for making more money except to inflate your ego or some sort of delusional "prestige," it seems like a really empty venture. How can people be so wrapped up in salary? It isn't a true measure of someone's worth. I am not trying to bash anybody here, but I wonder if people who measure themselves with their salary simply lack imagination. And maybe these people lack any real goals. It just seems to me that if you are distracted by how much money you make, you don't have any real (creative or concrete) goals. I think that if you find something you like and pursue it, salary is not a major preoccupation. Thoughts?

[dengeist]

I had an ex-girlfriend with a family like this, so I totally understand where he's coming from. It's hard for people who don't come from families like his to understand how someone's family can be so hurtful and degrading. It's really something you have to see first hand to believe it.

Lonestar, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about what you make and you shouldn't measure yourself with your siblings. 1) Salary discussions with anyone are really tacky. 2) The next time one of these kind of attacks come up, say, "You know, you're right, I've been doing some soul searching and I NEED your HELP. Is there anything YOU can do to HELP me?"

If they can, great! You got hooked up with a better job.

If they can't tell them, "Then don't criticize my choices."

It's win-win for you: better job or dignity intact.

[Krishna]

Nope, not embarrassed.

I feel defensive of it, though, b/c people are critical and pull the "I could never IMAGINE making that little," and do the condescending and insincere, "Well, I guess if you really LOVE what you do..." pitying thing.

Annoyed at ignorant jackasses. But not embarrassed. I'm VERY proud of my work. And I'd rather be doing it than some unimportant bullshit busywork job even if it made me three times as much.

I here snide comments about the starting salary in my field all the time...and I've not even found a job yet. T'will just keep getting better, I'm sure. :googly:

[NewMrs.]

Luckily I never got this from my dad because he made less during his first year out of college (newly married and teaching at a high school) than he did his last year in college when he worked at a deli.

I guess it still bothers me that my best friend (after my husband) never graduated from college and she makes about $15K more than I do right now. However, she also has a ton of credit card debt because she paid her mom's bills and rent during the two years that her mom was unemployed so that her mom and brother wouldn't end up on the street. Things got so tight that my friend had to take on a part-time job bartending at one point so that she could pay her own bills and her mom's at the same time, and she still went into considerable debt helping her mom. Oh, yeah, her mom hasn't given her any indication that she will ever get paid back.