PDA

View Full Version : More Family Frustration



lonestar
07-17-2006, 08:57 AM
So many of you know how my father rides me about how little I make...he called me yesterday and told me that he wants me to have everyone fly down to have Thanksgiving at my place. He knows I live in one bedroom apartment, and that there is NO WAY I am going to have my super materialistic stepmother come in and laugh, and him sit there looking at how small my apartment is, and just scoff. I swear he is just doing this to embarrass me.

So I tell him that I don't want him coming down here for a few years, until I can myself in a better living position, and he gets upset asking me what I make and telling me I should be making so much more. I also found out that he tells other people I make much more than I do, and it makes me feel like shit that my dad inflates my salary to make himself feel better about me...

It really hurts.

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 08:59 AM
Your dad is being a jackass, and you ought to say something about it.

Winter Storm
07-17-2006, 08:59 AM
You know what? Maybe you should have a serious talk with your father about how this is all making you feel. Tell him that it makes you feel like crap and that is doesn't help your situation. That you're doing the best you can with what you make right now and you don't need his shit.

Can you tell him that?

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:00 AM
Exactly.


kjflajfkkjngjkag

Winter Storm
07-17-2006, 09:03 AM
Sometimes when your family gives you shit, you gotta give it right back.

For years, my sister would get on me about everything little thing. I finally told her exactly how I felt, not holding any punches or biting my tongue any longer. She was shocked to hear her baby sister come at her like that, but it worked. She backed off.

Now she is cautious of what she says to me cause she now knows I won't take everything without her hearing something back.

cheshrcarol
07-17-2006, 09:09 AM
I think the problem is probably that you dad thought he was doing something nice by wanting to see where you live and having the whole family go there. He was probably upset that you didn't like his suggestion.

I agree with Winter and Words, you should have a talk with him and tell him how he makes you feel about your salary. Although, I'm curious how much he thinks you should be making compared to what you are, because around here accountants and state workers make pretty good money. I'd also tell him that you'd love to have everyone there, but that your place isn't really big enough for a lot of people and you'd really like to host the family Thanksgiving in a couple years when you have a bigger place to accommodate everyone.

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:13 AM
I think the problem is probably that you dad thought he was doing something nice by wanting to see where you live and having the whole family go there. He was probably upset that you didn't like his suggestion.

Based on other things posted, I'm not thinking the intent is to be nice, though.

lonestar
07-17-2006, 09:13 AM
I am flying out of town this week for a family get together in NC...I know it will come up. I just don't know how to tell him this...last year he went to my younger brother's apartment (which I guess is alot bigger and nicer than mine because the USMC gives him an "apartment allowance" for it and he has two incomes - girlfriend). So he thinks that I should host Thanksgiving this year. I tried to tell him my place is little more than a dorm-room while I work on my career and graduate school.

Its incredibly hard to argue with my father. He has this power of always turning it back on you when you bring something up...which is probably why he is such a good attorney. Nobody ever stands up to him. I have told him that I don't appreciate that stuff and he creates this impenetrable argument about how its not his fault, but mine...by the end of it you sit there wondering how you could be so wrong...his ability is quite impressive, actually.

The other thing he does is "play" us off each other (my brothers and our adopted sister)...there are three of us from the first marriage, he has a new kid (who is really cute, actually), and he adopted an 18 year old some years back so he could put her through law school...Well, he will tell us inflated figures of sibling and not-so-sibling accomplishments and salaries to try and push us and it causing me to lose sleep at night...my brothers and I are actually on good terms and we realize the shit he's pulling, but we are all doing our own thing, which is why he "bought" the 18 year old because none of us wanted to follow in his footsteps (law school)...I'm in accounting, my brother's a US Marine, and my youngest brother is starting flight college at Embry Riddle...

Now that I read my family situation to myself it sounds so fucking crazy...holy cow it so wierd "on paper"...long story short, I could tell him but it isn't going to do any better...

lonestar
07-17-2006, 09:15 AM
I think the problem is probably that you dad thought he was doing something nice by wanting to see where you live and having the whole family go there. He was probably upset that you didn't like his suggestion.

I agree with Winter and Words, you should have a talk with him and tell him how he makes you feel about your salary. Although, I'm curious how much he thinks you should be making compared to what you are, because around here accountants and state workers make pretty good money. I'd also tell him that you'd love to have everyone there, but that your place isn't really big enough for a lot of people and you'd really like to host the family Thanksgiving in a couple years when you have a bigger place to accommodate everyone.

I make less than 30...I have an english degree and I am working on my CPA/MPA...I am still a lackey in a state accounting office...I have no real way of breaking through until I finish one of those certifications.

J-girl
07-17-2006, 09:18 AM
Lonestar I have an extended family like yours. They think anything smaller than an SUV is NOT cool. And personally I find each and everyone of them pathetic at best. So now at family gatherings I have started to push people's buttons by saying stuff like "I take public transit", "I love the nasty smell of the bus in the morning" even though I dont take the bus lol.

If that makes me look like the poor hippy so be it.
Now if I only knew how to avoid all the "are you still single?" questions. :0

ETA:

"I make less than 30...I have an english degree and I am working on my CPA/MPA...I am still a lackey in a state accounting office...I have no real way of breaking through until I finish one of those certifications."

so you are work in progress. I honestly think you have to develop a little more thick skin.

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:21 AM
Why does your dad have his apartment-dwelling children host family holidays instead of hosting them himself, out of curiosity? I live in a pretty large apartment, myself, and I can't imagine hosting holidays, rather than my parents hosting them at their full-size house.

lonestar
07-17-2006, 09:24 AM
Because he wants to come down and see what Austin is like...

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:27 AM
Does he, or does he just wanna check out and belittle your living arrangement, job, etc.?

I'm gonna disagree with J-girl, and say it DOESN'T have to do with growing a thicker skin. Just because people are relatives, that doesn't make it okay for them to belittle you, in fact, it's WORSE that it's family disrespecting you. I think you need to let people like that know that you don't accept it.

cheshrcarol
07-17-2006, 09:27 AM
Why does your dad have his apartment-dwelling children host family holidays instead of hosting them himself, out of curiosity? I live in a pretty large apartment, myself, and I can't imagine hosting holidays, rather than my parents hosting them at their full-size house.Yeah, it's kind of a joke in my family that when we have relatives visiting we should go to my place. And I consider the place I live right now to be pretty big (~900 sq ft) but it's nothing compared to my parents house.

lonestar
07-17-2006, 09:32 AM
Does he, or does he just wanna check out and belittle your living arrangement, job, etc.?

I'm gonna disagree with J-girl, and say it DOESN'T have to do with growing a thicker skin. Just because people are relatives, that doesn't make it okay for them to belittle you, in fact, it's WORSE that it's family disrespecting you. I think you need to let people like that know that you don't accept it.

I meant, that's what he says...I am sure he wants to tell me what I am doing wrong he does it with everybody else.

The other thing that gives me some comfort is knowing that it is not just me...my father loses friends very fast...he has had fallings out with many, many people because he is so demanding that if they even get involved in any type of business venture it ruins a relationship...

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:35 AM
It sounds like it's time for him to consider whether or not he's comfortable with alienating his son the same way he does everyone else.

People don't change, behaviors, typically, unless they're faced with actually losing something important to them over them. And even then, sometimes not.

lonestar
07-17-2006, 09:42 AM
Doesn't really do anything...we have gone long periods without speaking (2 years the first time, 3 years the second) and if I don't make the effort to repair the relationship he doesn't do anything about it...

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 09:45 AM
Then I guess it's going to come down to what's most important to you...because (and this is going to sound harsh, and I'm sorry), it sounds like you have the choice between having a relationship with somebody that leaves you feeling like crap, or not having one at all.

If he doesn't do anything to remedy the situation when there have been rifts, that means you must have been the one to repair the situation. Do you think that's right/is it worthwhile to you?

CTGirl
07-17-2006, 10:02 AM
Then I guess it's going to come down to what's most important to you...because (and this is going to sound harsh, and I'm sorry), it sounds like you have the choice between having a relationship with somebody that leaves you feeling like crap, or not having one at all.

If he doesn't do anything to remedy the situation when there have been rifts, that means you must have been the one to repair the situation. Do you think that's right/is it worthwhile to you?

I agree with wordsmith--you cant continue to stress yourself out trying to repair this if he's not going to do his part too. It doesnt sound like he's doing a good job of supporting you and making you happy like a father should, so you should start focusing on what's best for you and not what he wants (seems like he's focusing on that enough for the both of you)

Good luck!

lonestar
07-17-2006, 10:06 AM
Well, what happens is this: I can be as stubborn as he is, but during the periods when we weren't speaking I got constant calls from my grandparents (his parents) about how this was terrible and they didn't know why I couldn't talk to him...I eventually made the move towards repairing the relationship (both times), also because out of fear that say something were to happen to him I would feel terrible knowing that he was gone and we never reconciled.

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 10:26 AM
What would your father feel like if something happened to YOU and HE had to live with the knowledge that he made you miserable by never being accepting of your decisions and choices and spending all his time judging you, I wonder?

Just food for thought.

It seems like you are shouldering guilt for perfectly reasonable reactions to his inappropriate and unkind behavior.

dengeist
07-17-2006, 10:29 AM
So many of you know how my father rides me about how little I make...he called me yesterday and told me that he wants me to have everyone fly down to have Thanksgiving at my place. He knows I live in one bedroom apartment, and that there is NO WAY I am going to have my super materialistic stepmother come in and laugh, and him sit there looking at how small my apartment is, and just scoff. I swear he is just doing this to embarrass me.

So I tell him that I don't want him coming down here for a few years, until I can myself in a better living position, and he gets upset asking me what I make and telling me I should be making so much more. I also found out that he tells other people I make much more than I do, and it makes me feel like shit that my dad inflates my salary to make himself feel better about me...

It really hurts.

The important thing is, is he still trying to come down there?

I wouldn't worry about him trying to embarrass you with other people, because he's always lying about you to his friends anyway by inflating what you do. So that tells me that he's trying to get you to that level that he wants you to be, but he's only doing it to you. I'm thinking he thinks it's "Tough Love."

I think you really need to have it out with him to give him something to chew on, at least to give yourself some peace. He knows how this is making you feel, but he knows you and he feels what he's doing is right (I definitely don't agree with him). All of the things you told us, you need to tell him. Don't answer his questions about how much you make, don't let him turn this one around on you. It seems like when you answer his questions you give him power. Tell him you don't want to talk like you're a client, tell him you want to talk like a son and a father. Disarm him. This really goes deeper than Thanksgiving and jobs, you're going to have to go really deep on this one. You might even have to set some ground rules for him.

You have to though, for your sake and sanity.

CTGirl
07-17-2006, 11:14 AM
Well, what happens is this: I can be as stubborn as he is, but during the periods when we weren't speaking I got constant calls from my grandparents (his parents) about how this was terrible and they didn't know why I couldn't talk to him...I eventually made the move towards repairing the relationship (both times), also because out of fear that say something were to happen to him I would feel terrible knowing that he was gone and we never reconciled.

Who cares what your grandparents say? Tell them that he is the one who starts this crap with you, so he should be the one they are guilt-tripping, not you.

He is your FATHER, and it seems like he needs to be reminded of this. You should never feel as though you need to fix things for him or take the initiative to better a situation that he created. He needs to step up to the plate and start acting like a father.

lonestar
07-17-2006, 11:18 AM
Thanks for the advice guys. I know it seems like I am powerless around am, and I guess I probably am, and its something I will have to work on...

The other thing is that I have had the experiences of being estranged from him and that isn't always great either...it is just really sad that it has to be this intense between us.

CTGirl
07-17-2006, 11:23 AM
Thanks for the advice guys. I know it seems like I am powerless around am, and I guess I probably am, and its something I will have to work on...

The other thing is that I have had the experiences of being estranged from him and that isn't always great either...it is just really sad that it has to be this intense between us.

I know it has to be terrible to be estranged from your own father, but as someone said earlier, you just really have to consider whether it's better for you to be talking to him and letting him make you feel like shit, or not talking to him at all.

It is unfortunate that your situation has to be like this, but you can't sit around and think about how much it sucks, cuz that'll only make you feel worse. You need to figure out what you can do to make this as good for you as you can, and do that. You can't really change the situation that he has crated for the two of you, so you've just got to look out for yourself and hope that he gets the picture one day.

wordsmith
07-17-2006, 11:56 AM
I know it has to be terrible to be estranged from your own father, but as someone said earlier, you just really have to consider whether it's better for you to be talking to him and letting him make you feel like shit, or not talking to him at all.

Exactly. At some point, it's really just going to come down to what's best for you. And, unfortunately, for some of us, that means cutting off contact with toxic influences...even if they are blood.

and1grad
07-17-2006, 12:08 PM
Thanks for the advice guys. I know it seems like I am powerless around am, and I guess I probably am, and its something I will have to work on...
I agree that you need to work on asserting yourself in this relationship. I also agree with j-girl about growing a thick skin. You say your dad is great at arguing, challenge yourself to be greater. This is where that "confidence" will kick in b/c you'll need it. You're a grown man...do not allow your father to treat you like you're a child. You'll both be the better for it.