Relationship question!

[Pearlsteiner]

For those of you who are in - or have been in - a long term relationship:

How often did you two fight? And, what were your most commen arguments about? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half... and we're long distance, so it's more complicated than a normal 365 days a year type of relationship... but I'm just curious about how we measure up... aka, how "normal" we are.

Thank you!!

[Kitty]

Well, I'm not really a fan of what's "normal" or not...but..

I've been w/ my bf for 4 years and we live together. We don't really fight very often. We often have a back and forth going that's mostly teasing/poking at the other person, but its not real fighting. It's sort of verbal sparring I guess.

Real fights are probably 4 a year.

Every arguement has been about something different. After a major arguement we usually work to resolve the issue. There isn't really a reoccuring theme...

[bleepbloop]

My bf and I have been together over 3 years and we were long-distance the first year and a half; I find that the root of our arguments are other people. We argue because I feel that he isn't as commited to me as I am to him, and also because we are both pretty hard headed.

I guess we argue at least once a week (or sometimes not at all, sometimes a lot more than that, not too easy to pinpoint); I wouldn't worry about it, just remember that the key is to communicate at some point or another. My bf and I know that we both need moments of silence before we can actually discuss the issue at hand, so we leave each other alone after an argument, and then resolve it by discussing like normal people. It's a matter of trial and error, I think, just sort of figuring out how you two argue and you end up learning a lot about yourself as a result.

Good luck, and no worries!

[flesh_gordon]

5 1/2 year relationship... we've have heated arguments only once, which was close to ending it. But nothing else in 4 years. I'm pretty easy going and we both never get ourselves into any kind of trouble! :D

[Krishna]

2+ year relationship.

How often do we fight? Well, an all out screaming battle happens about once a year. About 2-3 times a month we manage to find something little to get annoyed about, but that's normal I think.


Our most commen arguments? Oh, probably the amount of time dedicated to computer games/lounging vs. time spent working. Or sometimes we would bicker about who had to drive where to see each other. Glad I'm temporarily done with long distances.

[Pearlsteiner]

Thank you everyone for replying! The issue is that, I am a very, very, very stubborn person. As much as this may be a flaw, it's who I am. I have gotten better, but when I fight with someone, it's a throwdown, and I yell and scream... wow, I sound like an awful person. I promise I'm not! My boyfriend doesn't yell at me, ever... but he's very rude when he gets frustrated or when we're in a fight. And to be honest, his rudeness is much worse than yelling, because it's the way he's treating me. Obviously this only happens when we fight... otherwise he treats me like a princess... but whenever we get into an argument, I end up hysterically crying with him just being rude to me. Every time this happens I call my parents, so now they absolutely hate my boyfriend because they think he treats me poorly. That's the other issue... my parents hating him when they used to like him...

I'm just so confused. I don't want to be fighting the rest of my life. I love him, I know he loves me, but I fear that becuase I'm stubborn and I yell, and because he is just rude to me when we're in a fight, things will never ease up. The good most definitely outweighs the bad, and we don't fight THAT often, but my parents hating him is absolutely killing me and throwing my opinions off kilter.

[Kitty]

Explain what you mean by "rude?" Does he call you names or what?

[Pearlsteiner]

No no no, never calls me names. It's just in the way he acts, the way he treats me. It's like being sarcastic, but in a mean way. That's the best way to describe it. A sarcastic, mean tone, and he'll scoff... etc. As for calling my parents, please keep in mind I'm 21 hahaha I very much regret ever telling them ANYTHING, but my mom is that type of mother that had a very hard time "separating" from me and "needs" to know everything that goes on in my life.

[Kitty]

Have you told him that this tone bothers you?

[Pearlsteiner]

Yeah, of course... he never knows what to say. I'm always like "Why do you do this?" and he never has answers. It just continues to happen.

[Kitty]

Yeah, of course... he never knows what to say. I'm always like "Why do you do this?" and he never has answers. It just continues to happen.

I think that's a problem for two reasons:

1. He doesn't seem to care that this is bothering you and is making no effort to change
2. Sounds like he has issues communicating

To me, a "mean sarcastic" tone is very condescending and I wouldn't stand for that.

[Pearlsteiner]

Thank you Kitty... you helped a lot!

[bleepbloop]

I think you're both going to have to compromise a bit. Both my boyfriend and I are pretty hard headed but in all honesty, you have to understand that if you're being stubborn and not listening to him (I'm not sure what the case is, exactly, but as an example) it's only natural that he'd be rude as a response.

I'm not justifying him being condescending (I actually HATE this) but I think it's important that you tell him that you are stubborn and that you will make an effort to understand his position as long as he promises to do the same. I think it's just a matter of both of you respecting each other a bit more and also communicating a bit more effectively.

I had this problem for awhile where I would just take my anger out on my man, and it's an unfortunate thing because he's not a yeller/arguer either... he finally got fed up and told me what my problem was and it was hard for me to accept it and work on resolving my own issues. Basically, you should probably self-reflect, and so should he in order to improve this situation, because disrespect should not be tolerable in any relationship.

OK! I also forgot this (sorry for this being so long) I study communications, and I have learned that when you are confronting your SO you should phrase criticism as " I have been getting upset when you treat me this way" instead of " You are a condescending bastard" that way it isn't a criticism to his character, but a complaint that you two can work on.

[Pearlsteiner]

I completely agree with everything that you said. And he understands he is hurting me, he doesn't do it on purpose, and he's made efforts to change... it just doesn't seem to work haha but I will definitely take your suggestion. My main issue now is my parents, becuase I'm that type of person that has a hard time separating my opinions from my mothers, and my mother at the moment absolutely hates him. I believe the 2 of us (my boyfriend and I) can work through this and come out stronger, but I hear my mom's voice in the back of my head saying "You're going to be fighting the rest of your life" and "You're going to cry every day forever" and "You're going to regret staying with him." I don't know what to do :(

[eko311]

Wow, it's like taking a page out of my life when I was 22...

Ok, not exactly the same, but close. My BF and I were long distance and then I moved to be in the same city with him (while he finished school) and suddenly it seemed like we fought ALL the time. Like, at least once/week. And like you, I had a really hard time separating myself from mom.

Not to freak you out, but I wound up getting engaged to the guy, moving to another city with him, breaking it off, moving back in with my parents, and in counseling, where I realized that I was having boundary issues. (this is my QLC literally in one sentence)

Not that you are having the same experience, by any means, but I, too, once couldn't keep from sharing information with my mom because she "needed" to know and would start crying on the phone and asking me if I realized what I was "doing" to her when I didn't want to share.

In the two years since we went through the counseling she hasn't pulled out that trick more than five times, and each time I either hang up the phone or walk out on her. It makes her escalate in the short term, but ultimately saves both of our sanity in the long run. She winds up appreciating the fact that I refuse to cave... interesting eh?

So, to sum it up I think that you need to make sure that you can draw the boundary with your mom, which will help with the parents-liking-BF problem, since they won't hear only negative stuff so frequently, and while you learn to draw boundaries with mom, you may realize how to "fight smarter" with your BF.

[Pearlsteiner]

Wow, great advice. I wish it were that simple, right? My mom cries to me too, makes it seem like I'm doing it on purpose to hurt it... it's just absolutely ridiculous and so frustrating to the point of no return. And so now I'm stuck with feeling as though I can't even have my own opinion anymore. And as for the mom hearing negative stuff only, that is SO true. She ONLY hears the negatives so when I try to defend my boyfriend she either thinks I'm just covering for him or she thinks I'm lying so she doesn't hate him. How can I be with someone she disapproves of?

And also, just to add to this... I don't know about you or anyone else, but my mom always seems to be right. I feel like that's a universal opinion (that your mother is always right), but with mine it's freakishly true. So what happens if she's right about my boyfriend? And we really do continue to fight all the time forever?

[bleepbloop]

That's also what I meant by our arguments being a result of other people. I'm a blabber mouth about my business to my parents, I'm learning to keep things to myself, b/c at the end of the day, it's nobody else's business.

[Pearlsteiner]

Trust me, I've learned that too... I'm trying my hardest to keep my mouth shut!

[eko311]

My heart totally goes out to you, because I was in those EXACT same shoes.

Mom's can be freakishly right - some of the time, or most of the time. The important thing to remember is that they are not 100% right all the time.

With that said, in my 25 years of experience on this earth, my friends and I are starting to freak out about how right our moms are about our relationship issues. I have a friend whose mom can not only predict when her relationship will end, but the precise reason. And thus far she's been right every time.

This is not to put you in a panic. It's just to make you really think about your relationship with your mom.

My mother was so manipulative, and it was completely unintentional. She didn't realize she was doing it, and she never meant any harm, though it caused immense stress for me. And my mom was not a bad mother, she is a great one, and I love her very much. But for that time in my life she was causing an unhealthy attachment. Plus I just think that she was so durn worried about me with this guy... the important thing is to not let her opinion totally overwhelm you.

Again, with the boundary thing. You need to be able to separate a bit so that you can evaluate how you feel about the situation rather than having your mom's opinion cloud the waters....

[beeblebrox]

My bf and I fight only occasionally. We've been together for almost two years now. We fight about stupid things when both of us are tired. Our most recent thing was a discussion about the future where I almost wasn't sure that I was part of it and we talked it out.

[rocket333d]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. He and I have only had one "big" fight, and it was about how he schedules playing games with his friends and seeing me. I had a really rough schedule at work, and he wanted to reserve time to hang out with his friends the only time each week that we could've been together. That was solved pretty quick.

I try not to hold anything back. If I feel mad, I pull him aside and say so and explain exactly why. He can either apologize, or explain his actions (it has happened a lot of times that I did just misinterpret something). He does the same with me. So we have baby fights, but not very often, and they only last like two minutes.

Just wait until we share a lot more than we're sharing now, though.

[enigma]

I hate fighting and/or arguing. I know that I felt AWFUL the first time I argued with the guy I am dating. Mostly because our argument was because I was reading WAY too much into what he was saying. I STILL feel awful about it, but I have to get over it. The way I look at it (or try to) is that arguments happen when two people care about each other. It's when you don't care to fight anymore, is when you know there is a problem. As long as their is a conclusion at the end of the argument, than I have to say everything will be okay...

[wordsmith]

How much stock you put in your mom's opinion of things depends a whole lot on your relationship, what the dynamic is, if you feel that she's able to be fair and level or if there is other baggage at play.

My mom knows me better than anybody else in the world, so I do weigh her opinions and perspectives on my relationships and friendships seriously...if she thinks I'm being mistreated, it's worth it to look a bit more closely, because though she has the bias of being my mom and caring about me, she's very fair and level, and is good at pointing out things I might otherwise make an excuse for.

But it's important to weigh how much stock you put in a parent's opinion, too...my mom isn't a meddlesome type, she only offers her thoughts if I ask, and is respectful of my space and choices. Not all parents are like that. My dad, for instance, offers unsolicited opinions all the time, so I don't take them inito the same consideration as I do my mom's, because he has an agenda beyond my well-being (nothing insidious, his agenda is simply to have his say at all costs), whereas she does not.

[Pearlsteiner]

Thank you everyone for your responses... I have a lot of thinking to do!

[bleepbloop]

good luck!