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tina1979
08-15-2006, 09:45 AM
How do I teach my daughter to be modest without being ashamed of her body?

I was on the phone with a friend yesterday as my daughter was trying on some new clothes. At one point she was down to her underwear and I told her teasingly that she needed to get a shirt on because she didn't want to be naked in front of the window. My friend said that I was teaching her to be ashamed of her body by telling her to put a shirt on.

Where is the line drawn? I have always been pretty conservative about my body (until recently) but I am careful about the things I say in front of my daughter. I never really talk about dieting or anything like that. If she asks why I am exercising I tell her its because I want to be in shape. I have tried to be very conscience about the things I say when it comes to her body and my body. I know how easy it is for my thoughts on my body to rub off onto her thoughts of her own body.

I don't want her out there "flaunting" her stuff though. I want her to realize that there is a time and a place for being naked or running around in her underwear.

Sorry, just trying to figure out if I am headed in a direction I didn't realize I was going .

Helmel
08-15-2006, 09:48 AM
I think you are right. You can be proud of your body without walking around naked in front of the window.

wordsmith
08-15-2006, 09:49 AM
I don't think that teaching your daughter that there are contexts where it's not socially appropriate to be naked (like when it's unwittingly on display for others) is teaching her to be ashamed of her body. I wouldn't worry about it. Just tell her that there isn't anything wrong with being naked, but it's a private thing, and not something any passerby needs to see.

PenforPrez
08-15-2006, 09:55 AM
I think you did right. It's a parental instinct to tell your daughter not to stand naked in the window. A very good instinct to have, too.

But, you're 100% right. There is a time and a place for being naked or in skivvies. I think you're right there. :)

Paul

tina1979
08-15-2006, 01:47 PM
thanks guys!!

Kitty
08-15-2006, 02:42 PM
I think this is just one of those situations where you have to lead by example and I think it's awesome that you're being so conscious of not letting your body issues rub off on her.

I know I've inherited a ton of my mom's body issues :(

weary
08-15-2006, 03:40 PM
tina, how old is your daughter?

tina1979
08-15-2006, 03:43 PM
tina, how old is your daughter?
she just turned 6

weary
08-15-2006, 03:48 PM
well i definitely think your friend was wrong in stating that you were teaching your daughter to be ashamed. that's going a bit too far. there's nothing wrong with what you said to her at all. if you had harped on it maybe...but you didn't. i think that it's really important to teach children - especially girls - to be comfortable with their bodies. interesting that you posted this today. did you happen to see the segment GMA did on the same issue this A.M.?

tina1979
08-15-2006, 03:54 PM
I know I've inherited a ton of my mom's body issues :(
I have too, thats why I am super careful about it.


well i definitely think your friend was wrong in stating that you were teaching your daughter to be ashamed. that's going a bit too far. there's nothing wrong with what you said to her at all. if you had harped on it maybe...but you didn't. i think that it's really important to teach children - especially girls - to be comfortable with their bodies. interesting that you posted this today. did you happen to see the segment GMA did on the same issue this A.M.?

thanks, i try not to harp on anything for the most part. when I try to harp, she rebels. :rolleyes:

I didn't see that. I don't usually watch tv in the morning. I wait til the last possible moment to roll out of bed so I don't have time. I wonder if they have something on line about it. I will check it out.

Thanks

weary
08-15-2006, 04:03 PM
I didn't see that. I don't usually watch tv in the morning. I wait til the last possible moment to roll out of bed so I don't have time. I wonder if they have something on line about it. I will check it out.

Thanks

it was interesting the things they mentioned girls p/u from their mothers....especially small comments and even things not said (behaviors/attitudes toward life). i think oprah is showing a rerun of a show with a similar topic this afternoon too. it may be this week, not today...i'm not sure. i don't watch her, but they show her commercials during GMA, and i'm pretty sure that was the commercial today.

tina1979
08-15-2006, 04:10 PM
it was interesting the things they mentioned girls p/u from their mothers....especially small comments and even things not said (behaviors/attitudes toward life). i think oprah is showing a rerun of a show with a similar topic this afternoon too. it may be this week, not today...i'm not sure. i don't watch her, but they show her commercials during GMA, and i'm pretty sure that was the commercial today.
I found it on thier website. I think the title was mothers and daughters. They are right. Kids pick up tons just from little comments that we make not realizing the implications. Of course I think that was a pretty extreme example, but I know I picked up a lot of my insecurities because of my mom. I really don't want my daughter to pick mine up. Maybe my fear of spiders and tornados, but not my body issues. :)

weary
08-15-2006, 04:21 PM
I found it on thier website. I think the title was mothers and daughters. They are right. Kids pick up tons just from little comments that we make not realizing the implications. Of course I think that was a pretty extreme example, but I know I picked up a lot of my insecurities because of my mom. I really don't want my daughter to pick mine up. Maybe my fear of spiders and tornados, but not my body issues. :)

LOL. my son definitely didn't p/u my fear of spiders...he couldn't, b/c i always make him get them for me! oh and yeah, their example was extreme. i didn't mean to suggest anything like that at all by mentioning it to you. it just crossed my mind again when i read your post since i'd just seen it this morning.

kudos to you for even thinking about it (what your daughter picks up from you)...i see too many parents who don't, and then they wonder why their kids ____________ (whatever - fill in the blank)! :googly:

wordsmith
08-15-2006, 04:33 PM
It's interesting. My mom has really healthy body image, so I've never picked up anything like that from her...but she is an incessant worrier, and I DEFINITELY have adopted those characteristics. She's definitely reinforced it within me (sort of against my will) to be a stress-heavy worrywart.

CTGirl
08-15-2006, 04:38 PM
Speaking from what I've learned from my psychology background, I think the main thing to keep in mind is to make sure you explain the WHY in everything you say to your kids.

(I don't have any kids myself, so I don't want to step on anyone's toes here btw)

For example, if you're telling your daughter to put on a shirt, make sure she knows that its not because her body is something to be ashamed of, but rather that you never know what other people want to see, so it's best not to be showing that to others, etc.

So many kids interpret things the wrong way simply because their parents neglect to tell them why they are saying/doing certain things. Parents all too often underestimate the intelligence of their kids--but they understand quite a lot.

wordsmith
08-15-2006, 04:42 PM
True. When you don't explain the reason behind a particular rule or directive, a child may interpret why and the reason they come up with may be totally not anything you intend.

SmilesSoSweet
08-15-2006, 04:43 PM
I know I've inherited a ton of my mom's body issues :(

I did too. What even sucks is that when she was growing up she didn't have to deal with being taller and bigger-boned than everyone else.

My mom is a total emotional eater, and I pick that habit from her. I've also picked up some other bad eating/dieting/not-excersing habits from her as well.

I'm trying to work on them now but it's tough.

And Tina what you said wasn't wrong at all. Good for you for teaching your daughter how to appreciate what she has and not to let your image issues (if you have any) rub on to her. More parents should be like this as well.

tina1979
08-15-2006, 05:23 PM
And Tina what you said wasn't wrong at all. Good for you for teaching your daughter how to appreciate what she has and not to let your image issues (if you have any) rub on to her. More parents should be like this as well.
Oh, I definately have body image issues.. I just don't want her to grow up with the same ones I do. It'll be bad enough when she starts picking it up from the kids at school. I don't want to add my burden to her as well.

weary- I know you didn't mean anything by the extremness of the article. It was actually a pretty good read and reenforced that I am doing the right thing by trying to teach her that she should be happy with her body, however it is.

she really hasn't picked up on my fears of spiders and stuff yet, I hope she doesn't. My fear of tornados....she laughs at me. she thinks its funny when I make her lay in the bathtub with her pillow and blankets when the sirens are going off. :rolleyes:

word- my mother and grandmother are worriers too. that has definately rubbed off on me. thats probably why I worry about comments like the one my friend made. I start questioning myself and my decisions. :redface:

penitantraver
08-16-2006, 10:59 AM
To be fair, I think that everyone is overlooking the big concept that children have a mind of their own, that they think for themselves. It is so easy to lay one's insecurities on their parent's doorsteps, so much easier than actually taking responsibility for yourself.

I think that statements like the one made to the child in this case can cause insecurities. Perfect example. Superbowl Sunday - Janet Jackson has a "wardrobe malfunction", and we collectively as a nation lose our minds. People were outraged at the indecency of it all. Now, let's just set aside the fact that no one really saw anything. It was all over and done with in a matter of seconds, and it's not like anything was exposed due to some cleverly placed jewelry. By reacting the way that we did, with the media losing it's mind, desparately attempting to wipe out anything that was "indecent"... dropping Howard Stern from six radio stations, for example.... we were inadvertantly teaching our children that the human body was something to cover, thereby implying that it is shameful. I am not saying that nudity in public is acceptable, but our collective reaction to the event was extreme, and uncalled for.

Do I think it is okay to allow children to walk around in underwear in front of windows? Well, no. But to call attention to it, and imply that they are doing something that could cause people to freak out, or draw undue attention to themselves, is just feeding into this whole concept that the human body is dirty, and must be covered. These are just my thoughts on the matter, and since this thread, up until now, was a bit one-sided, I thought I would throw in my two cents, for what it's worth.

Chameleon
08-16-2006, 11:08 AM
Do I think it is okay to allow children to walk around in underwear in front of windows? Well, no. But to call attention to it, and imply that they are doing something that could cause people to freak out, or draw undue attention to themselves, is just feeding into this whole concept that the human body is dirty, and must be covered.
Okay... So what's the alternative when a kid walks to a window naked? Are you supposed to be on blind/curtain duty 24/7 or do you simply tell the child (i.e. call attention to it) why they shouldn't be by an open window so they will know (i.e. think for themselves) whenever they are by a open window that it is not appropriate behavior?

paiger81
08-16-2006, 11:10 AM
Okay... So what's the alternative when a kid walks to a window naked? Are you supposed to be on blind/curtain duty 24/7 or do you simply tell the child (i.e. call attention to it) why they shouldn't be by an open window so they will know (i.e. think for themselves) whenever they are by a open window that it is not appropriate behavior?

I think a LOT of it depends on the child.

I mean, my mom seriously would be happy on a nudist colony. As a child, she was always topless or whatever. I grew up comfortable with my body & don't see nudity as a big thing. Once my brother got old enough, my mom started covering herself up & to this day, my brother is so offended by nudity of any kind that he just shuts down.

penitantraver
08-16-2006, 11:18 AM
Someone kinda sees my side, I guess. My son is only 3, but we don't treat nudity like an issue. He sees his mother naked a lot, but also sees her cover herself when she answers the door, or when it is socially required. My parents were so overprotective with everything, and I have fought hard not to have the same opinion, and to not raise my son in the same manner.

tina1979
08-16-2006, 11:21 AM
yes, but I didn't tell her she shouldn't be naked. I asked her to put a shirt on in front of the window. She runs around in her underwear at home every now and then and I don't say anything, but in front of her window is a different story. shouldn't I point out the fact that its ok to do it privately, but not in front of a window where everyone can see you?

paiger81
08-16-2006, 11:22 AM
shouldn't I point out the fact that its ok to do it privately, but not in front of a window where everyone can see you?

I think you should when it happens.

tina1979
08-16-2006, 11:23 AM
I think you should when it happens.
thats the debate... I did it when it happened and I got called out on it as doing something wrong.

paiger81
08-16-2006, 11:26 AM
thats the debate... I did it when it happened and I got called out on it as doing something wrong.

Yeah, I think saying something simple like "Honey we don't show our bodies to the whole world" is ok. If you threw a shit fit & said something like "What are you doing!! NEVER do that again" then you'd have a problem.

tina1979
08-16-2006, 11:30 AM
Yeah, I think saying something simple like "Honey we don't show our bodies to the whole world" is ok. If you threw a shit fit & said something like "What are you doing!! NEVER do that again" then you'd have a problem.
nope. no shit fit. we were laughing and joking while she was trying on her new clothes. She was down to her skivvies and I told her "girl....you better put a shirt on. no one wants to see your nekid booty in front of a window.." she giggled, put her hand on her hip and shook her tush. then put her pants on. it was no big deal.

penitantraver
08-16-2006, 11:39 AM
Somehow, I doubt that this friend meant what he said to be taken so much to heart. It probably isn't like he meant it to be any criticism toward your parenting ability. Just a difference of opinion.

tina1979
08-16-2006, 11:44 AM
Somehow, I doubt that this friend meant what he said to be taken so much to heart. It probably isn't like he meant it to be any criticism toward your parenting ability. Just a difference of opinion.
You are probably right. However sometimes, even if only a difference in opinion, it gets taken to heart. It happens. Right or wrong, intended or not. Sometimes feelings get hurt.

penitantraver
08-16-2006, 12:01 PM
how you feel. He probably thought it an innocent comment. If he is a friend, I am sure he would feel bad to know it upset you.

shimma
08-16-2006, 12:19 PM
Tina, you're an awesome mom and you were spot on with what you told your daughter.

Is this Mr. Colorado wackass?

tina1979
08-16-2006, 12:48 PM
Tina, you're an awesome mom and you were spot on with what you told your daughter.

Is this Mr. Colorado wackass?
Thanks Shimma

Mr. Colorado, yes...Wackass, not so much. he just doesn't realize he can be somewhat insensitive on occasion. :) He is still one of my best friends although on occasion I would like to stick my foot up his ass. :huge:

shimma
08-16-2006, 12:53 PM
Thanks Shimma

Mr. Colorado, yes...Wackass, not so much. he just doesn't realize he can be somewhat insensitive on occasion. :) He is still one of my best friends although on occasion I would like to stick my foot up his ass. :huge:

<beavis voice> heh heh, you should kick him in the nuts! </beavis voice>

No, seriously, he's a little out of line telling you how to raise your child. esp when he has none of his own.

tina1979
08-16-2006, 12:55 PM
<beavis voice> heh heh, you should kick him in the nuts! </beavis voice>

No, seriously, he's a little out of line telling you how to raise your child. esp when he has none of his own.
he has one child