Feeling Left OUT

[CityGal]

Feeling left out. So....I was close friends with a few people and lately I feel like I am just being pushed out of the circle. I hate this part. Whenever I am friends with a group people something always goes wrong and I end up being pushed to the side line. WHY?! I know I am a good friend because I jump backwards for people. I definitely do not get half of what I put out. Hmm....if I keep distancing myself further and further from people like this I will have no friends soon. This is so annoying. I have an event to go to now and don't know if I should attend. Considering that I have been left out of the conversations that were going on all day. Should I go?

[airpezman]

yes. go . be open. be friendly.


pez

[wordsmith]

I hear you. Feeling left out, snubbed, and excluded is one of the only ways to really, really, gut level emotionally upset me. It's a definite Achilles heel, and one of the only times I'll actually say something. I think it's just a really shitty thing to do, and I've got tremendous pride...I've not just distanced myself from, but totally cut people off over this sort of treatment in the past. But you're right...that shaves down you list of people, because most people will do this at some point. I would probably not go if I felt excluded...but that's just me, and I refuse to be the tagalong.

[winneythepooh7]

I've been there. I know it's weird, but it still bothers me when I see that people I was best friends with in college don't speak to me anymore (for reasons I can't figure out) but remain friends with other people I know. It makes me really paranoid that there is something wrong with me, but that probably isn't the case. I think a more realistic way to think about it is that people just drift apart in life, and sometimes there really isn't a significant reason why.

[CityGal]

So I went. I felt like such a tag along. Most of the time I was pretty much ignored by those I considered really close. It seemed like I wasn't even in the room. We took the train together and I was barely talked to. At the event I was pretty much just staring into space. Other guests would socialize more with me than they would. When I left and said good bye it was like no one heard me. This totally sucks. I mostly blame myself because I should be used to this by now. It is definitely not the first time and I can gurantee it won't be the last. This is pretty much the reason why I am always so closed off to people because I know that this will happen eventually. ugh....def. need a gym session now.

[Chameleon]

I mostly blame myself because I should be used to this by now. It is definitely not the first time and I can gurantee it won't be the last. This is pretty much the reason why I am always so closed off to people because I know that this will happen eventually.
There might be a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy going on here - if you are closed off to people, people will be closed off to you. I used to wonder why I could be more open with strangers on the bus than I was with my friends at the time; I think it was because I knew the strangers would be gone and I wouldn't have to face their judgement, I wasn't worried about what they thought of me if they knew the real me.

My mom always used to tell me "In order to get a friend, you have to BE a friend". Do you have any close ties with anyone in the group? Have you tried to get closer to anyone - asked them to hang out with you one-on-one, engaged them in conversation instead of waiting for them to start talking to you? They might think the fact that you haven't tried to talk to them means that you don't WANT to talk to them, so taking the cue from your body language or silence...

Maybe there's someone else in the group who feels left out or seems to also be on the periphery that you can befriend. If you work on making someone more nervous/lonely than you more comfortable, you tend to forget about your own nervousness/loneliness.

You are lucky to have a posse. I ditched mine about 3 years ago when a severely co-dependent "friend" started to drain the life out of me and the only way to get her out of my life was to stop hanging with a group of MY co-workers who she'd latched herself unto. If you do decide your posse isn't doing much for you, you can make an effort to make new friends outside of the group and spend more time with said new friends. You may have to take a more pro-active role in determining what you do socially. I may not have the packed social calender of 3 years ago, but I know my friends know the real uncensured me and I trust that they won't stab me in the back (well they could, that's just a chance we all have to take).

[wordsmith]

I would definitely cut my group off I were treated that way. But then again, I've also been accused of letting my pride get in the way, and "cutting off my nose to spite my face." Still, I see no point in giving people who exlude me the time of day.

In all honesty, though, I've never been a big person for groups, and this is a big reason why. Get a group of people together, and people inevitably are left out, because most people aren't conscious eough to include everyone. I'm a person who doesn't require a crowd (also, this might be a girl thing, but they get backbiting many times and I don't need that). I've always been more a one-on-one kinda person. I'm just not big on groups.

[need2startover]

i feel you.. makes you wanna say "didnt we leave middle school behind a long time ago" (this is an insult to your so called friends immaturity, not you.. just to be clear :) )

[Tenshi28]

i feel you.. makes you wanna say "didnt we leave middle school behind a long time ago" (this is an insult to your so called friends immaturity, not you.. just to be clear :) )

Almost 30 years old, and everytime I meet with a group of old friends from school there will still be the see-who-pisses-the-longest-competition about everybody's lifes. Seriously, it's like they're still 15 years old or something.

Whatever.

[allie1105]

Feeling left out. So....I was close friends with a few people and lately I feel like I am just being pushed out of the circle. I hate this part. Whenever I am friends with a group people something always goes wrong and I end up being pushed to the side line. WHY?! I know I am a good friend because I jump backwards for people. I definitely do not get half of what I put out. Hmm....if I keep distancing myself further and further from people like this I will have no friends soon. This is so annoying. I have an event to go to now and don't know if I should attend. Considering that I have been left out of the conversations that were going on all day. Should I go?

I know exactly how you feel - this happens to me ALL the time. Friends from high school, my sorority sisters in college, and people at my last job. Its like I am good enough for awhile to be someone's friend, and then they get sick of me or something.

I don't talk about myself, because I know that no one likes that. However, I always ask questions about others - since people like to talk about themselves. I also find that I will do ANYTHING for a friend, but they won't do anything for me. It doesn't matter what time of day or night you call me, I will come running to help. Maybe that's my problem.

Anyway, my experiences with people in the past have caused me to hold back at my new job. My whole department is a bunch of fun twentysomethings, and I want to become friends with them but I don't allow myself to get close. Its very frustrating, and its a problem that I have been dealing with for awhile!

[CityGal]

There might be a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy going on here - if you are closed off to people, people will be closed off to you. I used to wonder why I could be more open with strangers on the bus than I was with my friends at the time; I think it was because I knew the strangers would be gone and I wouldn't have to face their judgement, I wasn't worried about what they thought of me if they knew the real me.

My mom always used to tell me "In order to get a friend, you have to BE a friend". Do you have any close ties with anyone in the group? Have you tried to get closer to anyone - asked them to hang out with you one-on-one, engaged them in conversation instead of waiting for them to start talking to you? They might think the fact that you haven't tried to talk to them means that you don't WANT to talk to them, so taking the cue from your body language or silence...

Maybe there's someone else in the group who feels left out or seems to also be on the periphery that you can befriend. If you work on making someone more nervous/lonely than you more comfortable, you tend to forget about your own nervousness/loneliness.

You are lucky to have a posse. I ditched mine about 3 years ago when a severely co-dependent "friend" started to drain the life out of me and the only way to get her out of my life was to stop hanging with a group of MY co-workers who she'd latched herself unto. If you do decide your posse isn't doing much for you, you can make an effort to make new friends outside of the group and spend more time with said new friends. You may have to take a more pro-active role in determining what you do socially. I may not have the packed social calender of 3 years ago, but I know my friends know the real uncensured me and I trust that they won't stab me in the back (well they could, that's just a chance we all have to take).

Chameleon, I am a good friend. If someone needs me to accompany them to the emergency room, then I am all for it and without any protest. If I needed that same person or someone else to do the same for me, I can gurantee they won't be available. This has happend to me so many times. They need me to go with them somewhere and I am there. If I need them, they are very busy. It takes me a while, but I do open up to those around me. This really sucks because I normally do these things without any hesitation. I will normally go all out for a person and often never get the same in return. When I realize how stupid I am being by not getting the same treatment in return or at least a semi-decent treatment, I stop being available for them and that's when it all begins. It often feels like once I treat them the same way they treat me they don't want to give me that half-assed treatment they were giving me before. It may be expecting too much, but like WTF you cannot do at least a quarter of what I do for you.

I don't talk about myself, because I know that no one likes that. However, I always ask questions about others - since people like to talk about themselves. I also find that I will do ANYTHING for a friend, but they won't do anything for me. It doesn't matter what time of day or night you call me, I will come running to help. Maybe that's my problem.

That is another thing. Most of the time people are just too much into themselves to actually want to hear what you are all about or your problems. This is one of the major reasons I started posting on this board. I felt like I was boring and depressing everyone with my incessive questions and mood changes. I guess we are in the same boat, Allie.


I wish I had an answer, but looking at my position, I'm in the same place as you and wish I knew what to do myself. I realize that friends come and go, and you just have to roll with the punches.

In the famous words of Mr. Ricky Bobby, 'Lord baby jesus', can someone give us the answers?

[Chameleon]

Chameleon, I am a good friend. If someone needs me to accompany them to the emergency room, then I am all for it and without any protest. If I needed that same person or someone else to do the same for me, I can gurantee they won't be available. This has happend to me so many times. They need me to go with them somewhere and I am there. If I need them, they are very busy. It takes me a while, but I do open up to those around me. This really sucks because I normally do these things without any hesitation. I will normally go all out for a person and often never get the same in return. When I realize how stupid I am being by not getting the same treatment in return or at least a semi-decent treatment, I stop being available for them and that's when it all begins. It often feels like once I treat them the same way they treat me they don't want to give me that half-assed treatment they were giving me before. It may be expecting too much, but like WTF you cannot do at least a quarter of what I do for you.

There are a few things you can do - stop giving to the point that you start resenting them (know your limits, you don't have to solve everything for them and if you can't do it, they'll be fine, they'll find someone else), be "the dependable friend" to fewer people, (people that actually appreciate what you are doing for them and can reciprocrate, if there's no one in your crew that reciprocates i.e. you think that they are all using you, then you want to find a new group of friends) and lastly, don't EXPECT them to be as wonderful a friend as you are (most people are wrapped up in their own drama that they don't notices others floundering. If you are asking directly and you consider these individuals close friends and they NEVER come through for you, it's time to downgrade them to aquaintances).

Don't play the "I wonder if they'll notice me if I start pulling away" game, you'll never win it. If they don't lift a finger when you make a direct request of them, what makes you think you'll be more than a blip on their radar if you choose to withdraw? Either ask for more from your friends or find new ones. Sulking and resenting the ones you have isn't going to make them pull their heads out their butts and do right by you. The negative energy you send out when you do choose to withdraw is more likely to push them away than draw them to you - would you like to be guilted into paying more attention to someone?

Some people suck at being friends and just take and take and take. You have to decide not to give so much that it exhausts you since you know that they won't reciprocate, and use that left over energy to find other people who know how to be true friends.

[fuzmiq]

As you can see from this board there are many people who are trying to be good friends. And I am certain there are people in your area who like you are rying to do good things too. But it is easy to get bogged down and turn inward. The more inward focused you are, the more you become a spectator...the harder it is to find friends and to be open. Everybody needs friends but its all in the choosing. Don't hold on to crappy friends, you can be a better friend to yourself than they can to you.

[CityGal]

There are a few things you can do - stop giving to the point that you start resenting them (know your limits, you don't have to solve everything for them and if you can't do it, they'll be fine, they'll find someone else), be "the dependable friend" to fewer people, (people that actually appreciate what you are doing for them and can reciprocrate, if there's no one in your crew that reciprocates i.e. you think that they are all using you, then you want to find a new group of friends) and lastly, don't EXPECT them to be as wonderful a friend as you are (most people are wrapped up in their own drama that they don't notices others floundering. If you are asking directly and you consider these individuals close friends and they NEVER come through for you, it's time to downgrade them to aquaintances).

Don't play the "I wonder if they'll notice me if I start pulling away" game, you'll never win it. If they don't lift a finger when you make a direct request of them, what makes you think you'll be more than a blip on their radar if you choose to withdraw? Either ask for more from your friends or find new ones. Sulking and resenting the ones you have isn't going to make them pull their heads out their butts and do right by you. The negative energy you send out when you do choose to withdraw is more likely to push them away than draw them to you - would you like to be guilted into paying more attention to someone?

Some people suck at being friends and just take and take and take. You have to decide not to give so much that it exhausts you since you know that they won't reciprocate, and use that left over energy to find other people who know how to be true friends.

WOW! Chameleon you are wonderful! I love your advice. It is straight to the point with no sugar coat. What you are saying makes total sense. It is so true that all the negative energy that I put out when I withdraw does nothing but make things worse. Hopefully I'll learn to brush things off and not be as dependable. It is time to think of myself for a change....after all I am my own best friend. I guess I should bend over backwards for myself first before I do it for others.

[CTGirl]

WOW! Chameleon you are wonderful! I love your advice. It is straight to the point with no sugar coat. What you are saying makes total sense. It is so true that all the negative energy that I put out when I withdraw does nothing but make things worse. Hopefully I'll learn to brush things off and not be as dependable. It is time to think of myself for a change....after all I am my own best friend. I guess I should bend over backwards for myself first before I do it for others.

Well, I dunno if I'd agree with saying "not be as dependable" but otherwise, yeah, think about yourself more often! I can be too generous at times as well, and it's exhausting!

For me what works best is knowing when people really do need me to be there for them and when I'm going above and beyond. Drawing that line is really helpful for me, cuz I like being the kind of person who's dependable and there when people need me, but I don't want to let myself go above and beyond unless its for someone who would do the same for me. That way, I'm not being taken advantage of.

[mrdorito20]

I know exactly how you feel - this happens to me ALL the time. Friends from high school, my sorority sisters in college, and people at my last job. Its like I am good enough for awhile to be someone's friend, and then they get sick of me or something.

I don't talk about myself, because I know that no one likes that. However, I always ask questions about others - since people like to talk about themselves. I also find that I will do ANYTHING for a friend, but they won't do anything for me. It doesn't matter what time of day or night you call me, I will come running to help. Maybe that's my problem.

Anyway, my experiences with people in the past have caused me to hold back at my new job. My whole department is a bunch of fun twentysomethings, and I want to become friends with them but I don't allow myself to get close. Its very frustrating, and its a problem that I have been dealing with for awhile!

hey everyone! new to these boards. so i know exactly what you're talking about allie1105. i've been nice, too nice, in the past and i paid for it. now, i do hold back, but it's hard since most people who're in the qlc just want to be as sociable as they were in college.

it sucks, but sometimes it takes holding back to really decide if you'll choose to be that friendly with new people again.

[Krissy2006]

I gotta say I complete to this thread... I think its part of the reason why I cut myself off sometimes, or have distanced myself, b/c I couldn't handle the hurt this brought. I am the type of person to put my heart and soul in a friendship and when its taken negatively it kills me inside. I just wanted to say though to CityGal keep your head up girl, you know yo'uve done nothing wrong and if these ppl want to be immature you don't need their crap. You can put your energy, effort and friendship into ppl who actually deserve it. Let me know how your doing sweeite :)

[wordsmith]

I'll be the first to admit that I have VERY high expectations of friends, and I don't apologize for it, because, quite frankly, I give as good as I get. If I were expecting more than I'm willing to give, that would be one thing, but it's not the case. If people don't reciprocate my level of decency to them, they're downgraded to acquaintances, if that. I've been on a MASSIVE faux friend purging crusade of late, and it's just better that way. You have to have people in your life who appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. I'm done being taken for granted.

[mrdorito20]

I'll be the first to admit that I have VERY high expectations of friends, and I don't apologize for it, because, quite frankly, I give as good as I get. If I were expecting more than I'm willing to give, that would be one thing, but it's not the case. If people don't reciprocate my level of decency to them, they're downgraded to acquaintances, if that. I've been on a MASSIVE faux friend purging crusade of late, and it's just better that way. You have to have people in your life who appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. I'm done being taken for granted.

Precisely!