mysocalledlife
11-21-2001, 02:42 PM
I am 24 years old and graduated from a 4-year university in 1999. All my life I was put on the career path my parents, teachers and even friends said I should be on, which was writing for a newspaper. Now, after swearing up and down that I would never do it, I write for a newspaper. My salary is barely $20,000. My husband works part-time at a courier company where you have to put in your time and wait in line for the full-time positions to become available. Does it sound callous to be so concerned with money and finances? We pay all our bills on time, but we have nothing extra for anything and there's all this pressure to save for the future and invest and buy, buy, buy. It seems like everywhere I go, I see people I went to school with who seem to be doing fine: buying new cars, buying homes, having babies, wearing designer clothes, etc. What is up with this? This makes me feel worthless, like I am just never going to get to the point where I feel comfortable and satisfied. If I don't get out of this job soon, I'm going to go crazy, but I have to stay put because the bills have to be paid somehow. I've always felt ashamed to admit to anyone that what I really want to do is stay home and raise children the way my schoolteacher mother decided to do when I was a kid. As much as I love my husband and know he wants nothing more than to get a full-time position, I feel resentful sometimes that I go to work everyday and bust my butt at a job I hate when he sleeps in, then cleans, does the dishes, goes shopping, etc.--all the things I want to be at home doing. I feel like our roles are reversed and it's driving me crazy!!! In addition, my husband isn't pressuring me, but I know he would love to have kids whenever I gave the green light. I don't tell him this, but I really wouldn't mind this at all if I felt we could afford them. This knowledge makes me want to cry. We would need a new home and all the other, many items babies need as well as life insurance for my husband, which we can't afford either. (My parents bought me a policy when I was a baby). Why doesn't it all work out the way it should? And how do I stop being resentful towards my husband when none of it is his fault? Although I hope and pray a better day is just around the corner, how do I make it through each day until then? And how do I deal with older people who just shake their heads and say I'm a dreamer for ever thinking these things come easy. They seem to have come easy for everyone else my age who I see all the time.