Rant: Siblings who are really stupid and don't know it...

[capella]

:mad: My sister is an idiot. She isn't even 20 yet and she is hell bent on fucking up her life. She has borrowed money from friends when she couldn't pay it back, gotten kicked out of college for cheating, failed ONE SINGLE Study Skills class (Who the hell fails study skills!!!). She is all about partying with her idiotic friends, sleeping around with stupid guys and generally not paying any attention at all to the shit hole she is digging herself into. And then she has the nerve to bitch and complain about how hard everything is when she's the one who's been screwing it all up!!

She doesn't listen to anyone. Ever. And it's frustrating. I have to read her myspace page just to know what the hell is going on. She NEVER mentions me AT ALL. She thinks I'm a tyrant because I don't have a problem telling her what will happen if she does X stupid ass thing or Y stupid ass thing.

My mom totally coddles her (which is bullshit because my ass did NOT get coddled one bit). My mom is totally Gen Y in your business, oh, let me be your best friend mom with my sister. What the hell??? That wasn't my mom.

I am six years older than my sister, and far more accomplished than anyone else in my whole family. I have a degree, a career, a house, a husband and everything is relatively well in my little world. My mom has fucked up her entire life (and made mine none too easy to start in the world).

I had to fight and bust my ass to get where I am. And who does my sister listen to? My mother!!! Who tells her things like, it's OK to only take 2 classes this semester, you shouldn't over extend yourself (which is really, well, I'd like to have you around more often so I can manipulate you). Or, well, we'll buy you a car, pay your cell phone bill and your insurance despite the fact that you throw parties in our house. MY ASS would have been kicked around the world had I even ASKED for something like that or done things like that.

I was model child, always got good grades, never snuck out, never did anything wrong in HS. Where is my pat on the back? Why is it that when you've had to toughen up and do everything on your own, people automatically assume you can handle all the shit that comes your way? Why is it that you act like you can't deal and then all of a sudden here comes the babying??? What THE fuck!!!

[Starsailor]

That's what my mom is like with my brothers. I've tried changing it because 1) she's not helping them in the long run and 2) they're taking advantage of her but I know it's not going to change. She'll continue to be a doormat, perpetuating their problems and they'll carry on fucking up because they know mom (or even dad, for all the tough love bs he talks) will bail them out. I understand your frustration.

[Deni81]

(((Hugs)) Amy

It sucks when parents choose to treat siblings differently. I know. My parents coddled my older sister. She was the rebellious one in high school and my parents never made her take responsibility for her choices. She ran up her credit cards, they paid them off. She decided to never finish an AA degree and basically waste my parent's money, they just accepted it. Even now that she is married and expecting a child, she gets coddled. The condo she lives in was my late grandmother's and now owned by my dad. She gets to live there and pay about $450 in rent for a nice 1 bedroom condo.

I was the goody two shoes in high school who cared about going to college. I got a partial scholarship and stayed on track. My parents once told that they have higher expectations for me than my sister.

Ok, enough about me. I just wanted to say that I know how you feel.

[Fashionista]

i guess the problem is that parents figure if you were a good kid and never caused them any trouble that they don't need to worry about you because you can and will figure "things" out

but if you are a screw up they feel they have to help you because you just can't help yourself. some parents also think that if their kids are screw ups it has to do with something they did wrong so they are doing everything to try and fix it hoping things will change when all they are doing is enabling the behavior

i know its hard for your and its clear you are mad over the issue and i would be too. my siblings are much younger than me and my mother waits on them hand and foot and they take full advantage too

[pisces2473]

Amy, do you think that maybe your mom sees herself in your sister and doesn't want her to make the same mistakes...and if she "helps" your sister, she'll be okay?

You should read this book--The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling. It's very very good and it really makes sense. The author (forgot her name) wrote this book because she realized that for all the books and studies out there on "problem" children, there was never anything written about their "normal" siblings and how the issues affected them.

Not to threadjack, but I can identify with a lot of what was written, as my brother was depressed and suicidal throughout our childhood and my parents certainly favored him, sometimes ignoring me, or making my problems out to be trivial: "You got picked on at school? Well your brother wants to hang himself!" I think now that we are older, they overcompensate now on me, mostly out of their own guilt.

Hope things look up for you soon.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm sorry you are going through this Amy. Just from my experience with a younger sister, I have found that you can speak your piece, but that's about it. They'll listen when they are ready to listen. People at that age tend to do stupid rebellious stuff. It just sucks even more when it's someone you care about.

[yankeeyosh]

My brother isn't stupid...he's really smart, but he has that sickening Gen 'Y' attitude that bothers me...he thinks that by the time he is 25, in five years, he will be a millionaire. He probably wlll not graduate college until he is at least 23 (or very late 22), and he's only working retail right now. It's nice to have dreams, but in this gen, they can be waaaaaaaay too unrealistic.

[paiger81]

Man, did I really need this thread!

Been having a rolling discussion with my brother since last night. I happened to bring up "So, what is your plan for when I move out?". He just shrugged & says he doesn't know. I mention "Well, I mean, how are you going to pay the rent & bills for this place?" I SWEAR TO GOD, a lightbulb went off in his head, and he realized he will have to be responsible on his own. :eek:

Needless to say, we've been going back & forth about this because my whole issue is that my parents are getting to the age where they are going to be "retiring"(i.e. dad quitting his $$$$ job for a $ one) and the time has come where P.(bro) isn't going to be able to ride the coat strings.

So, now I'm having to deal with my bro who seems to be MR. LONGFACE right now, which I just don't understand. What the hell did he think would happen? That people would take care of him for life?

[capella]

Well, my brilliant sister is moving in with an idiotic friend from HS. My parents are being restationed to some other Army base and she's getting the boot. Who knows if this is a friend or fuckbuddy thing??? I am concerned.

I tried to get her to move down here with me, but apparently she doesn't like it that I tell her like it is. She would rather work retail and live in her stupid friend bubble. She wants to be a vet, but that sooooo isn't happening with how she is handling things now.

She won't even go to a major metro university (she's going to some small bumfuck Georgia university. Arrrhhhhhhhh!). I tried to tell her how things work in the real world, but she won't listen. It hasn't dawned on her yet that she ought to be half-way through college by now, not have barely a 2.0 gpa and 10 credit hours or something. She doesn't see the big picture and how being behind on all of this will affect what she wants to do (or thinks she wants to do) later in life. She will be regretting it.

She filed paperwork late for finaid and then complains that she's going to have to take a loan out now because it's clearly all the financial aid department's fault. I told her back in January to start getting the paperwork ready and what did she do? She waited and waited and waited. She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions and that is the thing that drives me up a wall.

[paiger81]

Hey, be greatful she is still in college. Mine went, would only complete 6 hours a semester, then left because he "doesn't know what he wants to do". I'm sorry, but at 23, he needs to have some idea or at the very least, BE LOOKING INTO IDEAS, but nope, he works pt at a grocery store, comes home & plays PS2 because 32 hours is "stressful".

When did we become the parents?

[winneythepooh7]

It sounds like she is out to prove that she doesn't need help and can do things on her own. In the end though, this is clearly going to bite her in the ass. Hang in there Amy, I know it's frustrating..........

[pisces2473]

Hey, be greatful she is still in college. Mine went, would only complete 6 hours a semester, then left because he "doesn't know what he wants to do". I'm sorry, but at 23, he needs to have some idea or at the very least, BE LOOKING INTO IDEAS, but nope, he works pt at a grocery store, comes home & plays PS2 because 32 hours is "stressful".

When did we become the parents?
Paige, you might like the book I mentioned above, because there's a section about "parenting" our siblings and how it impacts how we parent or even IF we'll have kids of our own. The author found out that most of the people with a "problem" sibling chose not to have kids.

[biodork]

The author found out that most of the people with a "problem" sibling chose not to have kids.
Wow. Maybe I should read this book too. My brother, while he seems to have gotten better, has definitely had problems and caused my parents a lot of grief. And it affected me a lot even though I wasn't living in their house. I personally am seriously considering never having kids.

[pisces2473]

Wow. Maybe I should read this book too. My brother, while he seems to have gotten better, has definitely had problems and caused my parents a lot of grief. And it affected me a lot even though I wasn't living in their house. I personally am seriously considering never having kids.
Yeah, I think you'd get a lot from it. The author is a clinical psychologist and realized that she and her colleagues all had siblings with issues. This is what started her study--why people in "helping" fields go into those fields. When her patients, in therapy, would bring up their siblings, she found another set of people to talk with. Most of her patients with "minor" problems (guilt, anxiety, etc) had siblings with HUGE problems (schizophrenia, suicide, etc).

The author is Jeanne Safer, she's also written books on being childless, and her theory is called Caliban Syndrome.

Edit--there are parts that didn't apply to me, such as having a sibling with a physical disability and how the parents put pressure on the normal child like, "You better be the star of the track team--your poor sister is stuck in a wheelchair." The book is still good, nonetheless, and it's not really "divided" up, so you'll find a few paragraphs that might not really relate to you, but then the next ones will.

Oh and here's a good article about the book:
http://www.ilusa.com/News/091402normal_child4n.htm

[Jedi of Zen]

capella - I imagine you're probably already well aware of it, but (imo at least) more than anything it's simply going to take time for your sister to get to the point that you're at. It may very well be that she's probably going to have to make some mistakes before realizing all the things that you mention (responsibility and so forth).

I know speaking from my own experience, I honestly tried college for 2 years right out of high school and completely flunked out. I think part of my own problem was that I simply had no focus whatsoever in terms of career goals. I don't think any adult had ever really sat down with me and talked with me on my level about career possibilities. (Not saying that I was some kind of helpless victim, just that that's the way it was.) For me, the thought of a 4 year degree was kind of overwhelming without already having a clear direction in mind. And looking back now at age 27, I really wish that I'd had the opportunity to at the very least learn more about technical schools and programs - some sort of one or two year schooling that could have given me a job skill that might not have been great in terms of pay but at least could have enabled me to make enough to be somewhat stable financially until I did figure what I wanted to pursue in terms of a bachelor's degree and bigger career plans.

So anyway, if she's not gonna do college right now - for better or for worse - maybe at least she could consider a tech program. Something very hands-on and that she can complete in a year or two. Might not be much, but it would at least be a start.

[winneythepooh7]

Gosh, after just reading your other thread as well, I can see why she totally pisses you off!!

[capella]

Gosh, after just reading your other thread as well, I can see why she totally pisses you off!!
LOL! Yes!!! I can't stand the whole, Oh, taking classes and dicking around with my friends is soooooo stressful line of crap she gives. I generally give her a smart ass comment (ha, which is most likely why she doesn't tell me anything) when she starts that bullshit. I think she would implode if I told her all of the stuff I have to be responsible for at any given moment. :googly:

[astronaut83]

Your sister makes my sister seem like the good girl. I've been bitching about my parents being more strick with me (the college grad who didn't do anything stupid, not even in high school, and got a job right away) than with my sister (who barely finished high school in five years with half-assed grades and only cares about friends and partying). From the looks of it, I think they still want me to be the good kid and see no hope in my sister "growing up". I know that I've set the bar really high for my sister, but that doesn't give her the reason to just slack off and not take things seriously. One thing that I'm nervous about is that she'll be wasting my parents's money by failing out of school.

I know that talking about my problem doesn't help (and worse, not having a solution, so sorry!), but I know how you feel.