Online dating with no pictures?

[gymgurl]

Okay, so bad to more online dating for me...after guy 1 and 2 we are trying a new site this time... and one guy sent me an instant message and we started talking (this is a paying site...so they had to pay to do this). Anyway, he didn't have a pic in his profile but it sounded fairly good so we kept talking. Then he finally e-mailed it to me after the conversation had progressed and in all honesty I'm just not really attracted to him. We were still IMing when he sent so of course he asked me what I thought and I made a comment about his eyes being really blue (lame ya...just didnt' want to lead him on too much or crush him...).

Anyway, at the end he asked me what would be the chance I would want to see a movie with him at some point?

So what do you say in this situation? Like it's bad because basically it's mostly just an attraction thing (shallow but I need this....).

I just told him I wanted to talk on the computer a little more first which he obviously understood but in all reality I don't really see it happening. I mean it'd be easy to just avoid him now but that seems really mean and wrong.

[spokes]

to me physical attraction is one of the tennats of a good relationship, it is equally important as an emotional or intllectual attraction. it is always difficult to connect with someone on all levels.

i'd say it is better to just tell him that physiclaly he is not your type, although i have to admit it is not easy to tell someone something like that.

[gymgurl]

Yah that's exactly it. Like as bad as it is to say, we could meet and start dating but if someone else came along who I was equally emotionally compatable but then attracted to more, I'd probably be going after that one (i'm not attracted to him at all for the record...like obviously it's not like I'd always be looking for the most attractive person, but there needs to be SOME attraction to maintain the relatoinship in my mind).

[wordsmith]

Not to nitpick, but basically, what you know right now is that you don't like his picture. Fair enough, but let's not confuse this for "I'm not attracted to him." You don't have any way of knowing that yet - you don't have a clue about whether or not there's "chemistry" without meeting him, and even as far as just looks go, I've yet to meet a SINGLE person off online dating where they actually looked like their picture...sometimes better, sometimes worse. But if you wanna write it off over a picture, that's your call.

[wordsmith]

P.S. If you were having a good convo, and it suddenly stops, and/or you just start avoiding talking to him or drop off the face of the earth as a result of having seen his picture, unless he's a moron, yeah, he's gonna know that's why. You won't even have to say anything to give that one away.

[gymgurl]

P.S. If you were having a good convo, and it suddenly stops, and/or you just start avoiding talking to him or drop off the face of the earth as a result of having seen his picture, unless he's a moron, yeah, he's gonna know that's why. You won't even have to say anything to give that one away.

You, that's true. And no you aren't nitpicking but I mean there is basically zero attraction, like not my type at all...so I can't see there being more of a physical attraction if we met unless he looked completely different.

I'm starting to think though I might just have too high of standards. My last boyfriends were very attractive (in my mind) so maybe this is what I'm comparing them to and why I am having problems. It's just hard initially, especially when meeting online since attraction will play a large part of it.

[wordsmith]

What are you attracted to that isn't appearance-related?

I'm not trying to be snotty...it's just that those types of attracters are more easy to come by online sometimes. You're not seeing a person (at best a photo or photos that may or may not be the best representation), so physical attractivness is really just not something that's best clued on on in online dating. It just happens to work better for gagueing other facets of attraction.

[SunDevil]

Everyone has different types of people they are attracted too. He just isn't it for you. I saw a couple tonight at the grocery store, and I wasn't attracted to the girl, but could tell that she was exactly what her bf was looking for because they looked very similar.

What was wrong with him? I'm curious as to how nitpicky the female dating population is..

[SmilesSoSweet]

I'm starting to think though I might just have too high of standards.

I can tend to be like this as well. And what sucks is that I'm definitely no where near perfect yet if I look at someone's picture and I'm not attracted to them online, I tend to judge based off the picture I won't bother to meet them in person. Though it's happened to me as well when I send a picture and then get no response back from the guy.

One of the disadvantages of online dating is that you're (you're in the general sense) already judging the person based off a photo or two that they posted on their ad. If you were to meet this same person through work, school or some other non-online function, you may begin to feel attracted to them just by getting to know them and stuff. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

My sister is dating a great guy who just happens to be 15 years older than her. I know she wasn't out looking for a guy that much older than her, but they met at work and got to know each and then they started dating. I have another friend from back home who's getting married next summer to a guy she met at work as well and is about 12 years older than her. When I saw pictures of him (I have yet to meet him in person) I didn't think he would be the type she would be attracted to, but I'm sure there were other factors that led them to fall for each other.

I've just noticed that with online dating, I tend to be picky only because I can filter out guys on their that I think I won't mesh with just because they list their age, religion, height and a couple photos. Now if I met the same guy in person first, who knows.

[gymgurl]

What are you attracted to that isn't appearance-related?

I'm not trying to be snotty...it's just that those types of attracters are more easy to come by online sometimes. You're not seeing a person (at best a photo or photos that may or may not be the best representation), so physical attractivness is really just not something that's best clued on on in online dating. It just happens to work better for gagueing other facets of attraction.

Non-attractive wise, basically I like a guy who is motivated at self-improvement, like just isn't content sitting in one place his whole life (doesn't have to be trying to be a rocket scientist) just continually learning. I also like someone who works out/eats healthy as I do myself so I'm naturally draw to this. Also someone who isn't really into 'partying it up' on the weekends at some bar - I'm a non-drinker so best if he doesn't either but this is very hard to come by so I'm flexible in that one as long as he's not getting drunk every weekend or something. Then just a guy who appreciates the little romantic things I guess, not grand gestures but things to show he cares... that's some of what I look for.

You do bring up a good point though, I mean pictures are only pictures and they could look different in person. I'll admit my last ex I wasn't super attracted to his pictures but when I met him in person it developed almost instantaneously.... so I guess I should take that as a lesson.

What I'm most scared though, is that if I did meet them and there wasn't enough attraction, it seems a lot harder then to tell them you are not interested. As soon as that in person contact is made, things become more personal...

[CTGirl]

You do bring up a good point though, I mean pictures are only pictures and they could look different in person. I'll admit my last ex I wasn't super attracted to his pictures but when I met him in person it developed almost instantaneously.... so I guess I should take that as a lesson.

What I'm most scared though, is that if I did meet them and there wasn't enough attraction, it seems a lot harder then to tell them you are not interested. As soon as that in person contact is made, things become more personal...

I agree with what was said about online pictures. The guy I'm kinda seeing right now seemed somewhat unattractive to me in his pictures, but I'm finding him very attractive in person. For me a huge part of attraction is body language and behavior, so as far as pictures are concerned, I can tell a definite "no" from a picture most of the time, but not a definite "yes."

I know what you mean about when to cut it off too. It is a lot tougher to break it off after the first date than before you meet him. When you try to do it after the first date, he's already gotten somewhat attached, and so then he's more upset by it, or, in some cases, tries to fight you on it to give him another chance :googly:

If you think there's no way you're going to find him attractive in person, don't bother meeting him. It's tough, I know, I've been there, but there's no use leading him on any more.

[CityGal]

P.S. If you were having a good convo, and it suddenly stops, and/or you just start avoiding talking to him or drop off the face of the earth as a result of having seen his picture, unless he's a moron, yeah, he's gonna know that's why. You won't even have to say anything to give that one away.


Totally agree with this. They will get the picture. Although it is bad and a bit F'd up....it's better than leading him on.

[wordsmith]

On the other hand, I've been on plenty of first dates via match.com or what have you that never went past date one, either b/c I or the guy wasn't that interested, as it turned out, and that's never really been something that was awful or awkward. You can kinda tell when it's not happening. I've never felt like I'm beholden if I agree to date one.

[Kitty]

I would probably go ahead and meet him - people can look vastly different than their photos and who knows, it's just one photo. But, if after the first date the attraction isn't there - then at least you'll know you gave it a shot.

[PenforPrez]

I'm facing a problem with this right now. I'll be talking to a woman on IM and we'll swap pics, and suddenly they'll never say another word. :googly: I count four times that's happened to me in the last month. One of them, I felt, was old enough to know better (32). Never had it happen in this volume before. Listen to me, girls: I'm NOT Mick Jagger, contrary to what you may hear. :p

I know what you mean about when to cut it off too. It is a lot tougher to break it off after the first date than before you meet him. When you try to do it after the first date, he's already gotten somewhat attached, and so then he's more upset by it, or, in some cases, tries to fight you on it to give him another chance :googly:

Been there, done that. I had a date a few years ago with a woman who was a regular in the chat room I was frequenting at the time (she lived near me). The date went badly. I was overenthusiastic and she was going through a divorce. So she told some of her friends in the room all sorts of nasty things about me; I remember the words "creepy" and "homely" being used. So I just had some nasty thoughts of my own which I kept to myself. :huge: Nonetheless, it was very upsetting; more so than it would have been had we not gone out.

Paul

[lostindc]

Most people look very different in real life than their pics. Many people don't photograph well so they tend to be more attractive in real life.

However you can get a lot of "other" information from the type of pic they post. Is it a professional portrait or a snapshot? Taken with a group, an ex, or by themselves? Was it taken at a bar, out or in a foreign country? How were they dressed? What is their expression in the photo?

Could you see yourself taking that photo?

[Winter Storm]

I'll come right out and say I wouldn't consider profiles without pictures. I figured my pic was up for the world to see, I only looked at profiles with the same. But that's just me.

[CTGirl]

I'll come right out and say I wouldn't consider profiles without pictures. I figured my pic was up for the world to see, I only looked at profiles with the same. But that's just me.

Agreed. I assume that if you don't have a picture, that you've got something to hide. It's as though guys expect someone to just fall in love with his personality and then not mind that he's unattractive later :googly: .......you gotta just lay it all out there from day one

[HereComes30]

I think there is a difference between a woman actually giving a guy a fair shake and not even giving him the time of day based on looks. Some ladies are not just about looks and will take a little time to get to know someone a little deeper. But I think far too many ladies are looking for the perfect model of a man. Could TV and the countless magazine articles have anything to do with this? I think it is a contributing factor. And why nice average looking guys like me with awesome personalities, sense of humor, and other qualities have a harder time with online sites. And I know guys can be just as bad with the ladies as well. But there is still hope...every once in awhile I will be at the grocery store or the mall and see an extremely attractive woman with an average to totally dork of a boyfriend/husband...and I think..."man...maybe it is possible!" hahaha

[CTGirl]

I think there is a difference between a woman actually giving a guy a fair shake and not even giving him the time of day based on looks. Some ladies are not just about looks and will take a little time to get to know someone a little deeper. But I think far too many ladies are looking for the perfect model of a man. Could TV and the countless magazine articles have anything to do with this? I think it is a contributing factor. And why nice average looking guys like me with awesome personalities, sense of humor, and other qualities have a harder time with online sites. And I know guys can be just as bad with the ladies as well. But there is still hope...every once in awhile I will be at the grocery store or the mall and see an extremely attractive woman with an average to totally dork of a boyfriend/husband...and I think..."man...maybe it is possible!" hahaha

I don't know of a sinlge woman who is actually looking for a "perfect model of a man." We are looking for men who act perfectly, but not a man who looks perfect.

[MetFanL]

I'll come right out and say I wouldn't consider profiles without pictures. I figured my pic was up for the world to see, I only looked at profiles with the same. But that's just me.

I'm with you on that. I like confident guys and no picture just screams insecurity to me. Just my take... On the other side of it, I won't talk to guys who have like 20 pictures. That's screams desperation, to me. Or narcissism. Either way, no thanks.

I also won't talk to guys who write in all caps. I just don't like to be yelled at.

[ScottyTheBody]

I don't know of a sinlge woman who is actually looking for a "perfect model of a man." We are looking for men who act perfectly, but not a man who looks perfect.

Most people I know are looking for both...

[MetFanL]

I don't know of a sinlge woman who is actually looking for a "perfect model of a man." We are looking for men who act perfectly, but not a man who looks perfect.
I disagree. I'm NOT looking for perfection. Perfection is annoying.

[CTGirl]

I disagree. I'm NOT looking for perfection. Perfection is annoying.

Agreed, "perfect" was prolly the wrong word to use there, "perfect for me" is more what I meant.

[CTGirl]

Most people I know are looking for both...

I'm not saying that girls don't look for appearance as a factor, of course we do, but what I'm saying, is that the girls I know are not looking for guys who look like models, we tend to be attracted to more "normal" looking guys.

[MerrillLynch06]

I'm not saying that girls don't look for appearance as a factor, of course we do, but what I'm saying, is that the girls I know are not looking for guys who look like models, we tend to be attracted to more "normal" looking guys.

Yes finally a girl with some common sense.

[CTGirl]

Yes finally a girl with some common sense.

Thank you, thank you (bows)

[Winter Storm]

I think there is a difference between a woman actually giving a guy a fair shake and not even giving him the time of day based on looks. Some ladies are not just about looks and will take a little time to get to know someone a little deeper. But I think far too many ladies are looking for the perfect model of a man. Could TV and the countless magazine articles have anything to do with this? I think it is a contributing factor. And why nice average looking guys like me with awesome personalities, sense of humor, and other qualities have a harder time with online sites. And I know guys can be just as bad with the ladies as well. But there is still hope...every once in awhile I will be at the grocery store or the mall and see an extremely attractive woman with an average to totally dork of a boyfriend/husband...and I think..."man...maybe it is possible!" hahaha

I can definitely say I am not looking for any kind of perfection, looks or personality wise. I'm not perfect so I wouldn't expect anyone else to be, Besides, there is nothing wrong with flaws to me. Makes a person more human and down to earth to me.

I'd consider an average looking guy with a visible photo than a no-photo hands down. The photo gives me something to work with. The no-photo is a no go for me.

I wouldn't talk to a guy in person with a bag on his head, same thing applies online.

[wordsmith]

Of course everyone is looking for somebody who looks NORMAL. But maybe I just have a wider tolerance for what is "normal" than most...because I'm just not inundated, online or otherwise, with outright gargoyles asking me out, like some people apparently do. Or maybe, just maybe, some people have a very narrow set of criteria for what they deem normal attractiveness.

[Orca]

Guys, would you consider chatting to a woman who didn't have a photo on an online dating site? I feel this is my only chance because basically I'm "as plain as the back of a bus", to quote my sister and no-one will give me a chance if they meet me in person without knowing me first. I'm told I look a LOT older than my real age so perhaps targetting guys 10-20 years older than me would be beneficial too? All the things that are positives for a guy (being over 21, having a well paid job, and a PhD for example) are big negatives for women. I haven't tried internet dating yet, but I think it's the only possible route for me.

[PenforPrez]

Of course everyone is looking for somebody who looks NORMAL. But maybe I just have a wider tolerance for what is "normal" than most...because I'm just not inundated, online or otherwise, with outright gargoyles asking me out, like some people apparently do. Or maybe, just maybe, some people have a very narrow set of criteria for what they deem normal attractiveness.

I think you're right on all counts.

[wordsmith]

Also, the no-photo thing doesn't mean somebody is deformed or nasty-looking, either. There are legit reasons people might not have a photo up (I know teachers who don't, for privacy reasons, etc.) Most people will tell you that they can provide a pic if they don't have one up.

[Chameleon]

A friend of mine is hesitant to put her photo unlike because she doesn't want other's in her profession seeing her. So yes, there are legit reason for not putting yourself out there, but there are also things like clearly not matching your description in your profile, being married and not wanting to be caught or just being plain scary looking, which are also legit reasons for not wanting to risk contacting someone who isn't putting themselves out there like you are.

I just got on match.com a few months ago and the above friend got on e-harmony. I encouraged her to go out with a guy that she wasn't really attracted to and she had a great time but couldn't get over the physically things about him that she didn't like. It happens. Was it better to write him off off the bat or to meet up with him and still reject him? I'm not sure. People have different things they are attracted to and pictures, though not perfect, to give you some idea of how you are going to react to the person in person.

[ScottyTheBody]

Of course everyone is looking for somebody who looks NORMAL. But maybe I just have a wider tolerance for what is "normal" than most...because I'm just not inundated, online or otherwise, with outright gargoyles asking me out, like some people apparently do. Or maybe, just maybe, some people have a very narrow set of criteria for what they deem normal attractiveness.

What you have said in your last senctence, appears to be what I see.

[WorkInProgress]

But there is still hope...every once in awhile I will be at the grocery store or the mall and see an extremely attractive woman with an average to totally dork of a boyfriend/husband...and I think..."man...maybe it is possible!" hahaha

The most beautiful looking woman I have ever seen up close married a rather blah-looking man...I remember being quite surprised, because I had expected (*bad conditioned response*) her to be married to a hunk.

[CTGirl]

We've discussed this in other threads, but just to reiterate: The thing about women and attraction is that it tends to be mostly about behavior, attitude, body language, and just a general "vibe" that we get from a guy, not necessarily he actual physical characteristics. This, I believe, is why we see this "gorgeous woman-unfortunate guy" situation all the time. Attraction for women tends to be very complex.

[wordsmith]

Attraction for women tends to be very complex.

Totally...which is not to say we don't look for a look we can appreciate. But it's way more complex than just eye candy.

[bluup10]

Guys, would you consider chatting to a woman who didn't have a photo on an online dating site? I feel this is my only chance because basically I'm "as plain as the back of a bus", to quote my sister and no-one will give me a chance if they meet me in person without knowing me first. I'm told I look a LOT older than my real age so perhaps targetting guys 10-20 years older than me would be beneficial too? All the things that are positives for a guy (being over 21, having a well paid job, and a PhD for example) are big negatives for women. I haven't tried internet dating yet, but I think it's the only possible route for me.

I'm not with you on that one...why would you deem those negative qualities?

[Winter Storm]

Guys, would you consider chatting to a woman who didn't have a photo on an online dating site? I feel this is my only chance because basically I'm "as plain as the back of a bus", to quote my sister and no-one will give me a chance if they meet me in person without knowing me first.

Geez, your sister said that?

I dunno. I really feel that most women can be fixed up to look better with the right hair, makeup, lighting and clothing. I've seen few women I'd say are beyond help.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, you might wanna consider that your sister may not be an impartial source.

[Orca]

Yeah, you might wanna consider that your sister may not be an impartial source.
LOL, yes I agree.
But it's alright, I'm not offended. I've always known I'm a pretty ugly girl. I can accept it's an accurate description. Even when I was 3 or 4 I can remember the "big girls" (ie the 10 yr olds in higher classes at the same school) wouldn't want to play with me and said I was an ugly rat. My dad always wanted me to be a boy so much too. So he has always taken me to football games and stuff which doesn't help.

In a bar at my university I always see the same thing. Intelligent girls wearing hardly any clothes and hanging of some stupid guy's arm, giggling and pretending have an IQ smaller than their shoe size. That's what guys want and many high achieving women are happy to give it to them. Whereas the guys expect women to fall over them even if they have nothing going for them. Women are equal opportunity employers in the dating world but men discriminate by the external package and that will never change. Since I don't have that external package and could not lie long term about my job and stuff I will never be picked off the shelf. It makes me sad but most of the time I realise I have to accept it an move on. Like i said, i have toyed with the idea of internet dating but I am quite convinced it would be a no-starter

As for make up etc. Have you been watching too many teen films? "She's All That" being the ultimate one. Trust me, when I take off my glasses I don't morph into Racheal Leigh Cook. I just can't see.

[Winter Storm]

As for make up etc. Have you been watching too many teen films? "She's All That" being the ultimate one. Trust me, when I take off my glasses I don't morph into Racheal Leigh Cook. I just can't see.

No, I don't watch that teenage drivel.

But I have seen many a makeover show where they've taken some plain Janes and fashion victims and with the help of a new haircut and some makeup, turned them into more attractive women. Just removing glasses doesn't always do the trick.

But you have to want to try those things. These are merely suggestions.

[CTGirl]

LOL, yes I agree.
In a bar at my university I always see the same thing. Intelligent girls wearing hardly any clothes and hanging of some stupid guy's arm, giggling and pretending have an IQ smaller than their shoe size. That's what guys want and many high achieving women are happy to give it to them. Whereas the guys expect women to fall over them even if they have nothing going for them. Women are equal opportunity employers in the dating world but men discriminate by the external package and that will never change. Since I don't have that external package and could not lie long term about my job and stuff I will never be picked off the shelf. It makes me sad but most of the time I realise I have to accept it an move on. Like i said, i have toyed with the idea of internet dating but I am quite convinced it would be a no-starter

As for make up etc. Have you been watching too many teen films? "She's All That" being the ultimate one. Trust me, when I take off my glasses I don't morph into Racheal Leigh Cook. I just can't see.

Wow, I totally disagree with you. I don't know of a single girl who pretends to be dumber than she is to get a guy, that's just silly, and in my experience, my intelligence is one of the main things that guys tend to like about me. I've often been told how much they appreciate the fact that I can carry on an intelligent conversation with them while so many other girls cannot.

I dunno what kind of guys you're hanging out around, but decent guys appreciate intelligence.

As for appearance, there are very few people in this world who are just downright unfortunate-looking no matter what they do, just as there are a select few who are dropdead gorgeous no matter what. The rest of us are somewhere in the middle, and can generally look a lot better if we simply take care of ourselves and show some repect for our own bodies.

[and1grad]

Women are equal opportunity employers in the dating world but men discriminate by the external package and that will never change.
Wow, what a convenient, egregiously false statement.

[wordsmith]

Exactly. Guys give women who aren't conventionally attractive, who don't have cookie cutter-like good looks, and who aren't perfectly in shape a fair shot all the time! Where have you been? :rolleyes:

Or not.

[PenforPrez]

In a bar at my university I always see the same thing. Intelligent girls wearing hardly any clothes and hanging of some stupid guy's arm, giggling and pretending have an IQ smaller than their shoe size. That's what guys want and many high achieving women are happy to give it to them. Whereas the guys expect women to fall over them even if they have nothing going for them. Women are equal opportunity employers in the dating world but men discriminate by the external package and that will never change.

I could argue every single one of those points all day long from my own experience. But I don't feel like arguing; I'm too tired. So what I will do is sum it up and say that dating, like most things in life, is a HIGHLY INDIVIDUAL process. Everybody has their own wants and motives.

I don't like girls that act that way. I want no part of that. And I'm living proof that most women AREN'T equal opportunity. ;)

Paul

[and1grad]

Exactly. Guys give women who aren't conventionally attractive, who don't have cookie cutter-like good looks, and who aren't perfectly in shape a fair shot all the time! Where have you been? :rolleyes:

Or not.
Sorry, equal opp. But I dont have a big enough shovel for all the bullshit. You can dance around in it all day if you want. I'm over it.

[ScottyTheBody]

Wow, I totally disagree with you. I don't know of a single girl who pretends to be dumber than she is to get a guy, that's just silly, and in my experience, my intelligence is one of the main things that guys tend to like about me. I've often been told how much they appreciate the fact that I can carry on an intelligent conversation with them while so many other girls cannot.

I dunno what kind of guys you're hanging out around, but decent guys appreciate intelligence.

As for appearance, there are very few people in this world who are just downright unfortunate-looking no matter what they do, just as there are a select few who are dropdead gorgeous no matter what. The rest of us are somewhere in the middle, and can generally look a lot better if we simply take care of ourselves and show some repect for our own bodies.

I agree with you on all accounts.