How do you know if you're enough?

[ontarigirl]

Does this seem like a simple enough question?

I need to know if I'm enough for my boyfriend. He has an extremely hard time with verbal communication. His actions say he loves me. But he cannot say anything. Nothing.

So how do you know that your enough?

[paiger81]

I think actions speak louder than words. As for how you "know" I think it's just something you just feel.

P.S. It took my SO 1 year before he said "I love you". Too long for some people, yet I already knew he loved me before the words were said.

[Kitty]

Honestly, you can't worry about that. You have to believe that you're "enough" in and of yourself.

[wordsmith]

If you have to worry about that:

1. You might not be with the right person.

2. You might be with the right person, but not ready for them, yourself.

[spokes]

what makes you think that you are not enough?

[ontariogirl]

well the thing is. he broke up with me 2 months ago after only being together for 4 months. i believe we spent too much time together, too quickly. and it was too much for him (because at time i felt like it was too much for me). and i explained that when we broke up - that i thought it would be better to slow down rather than break up. but we broke up anyway. then he was away for a month, came back and came straight to my door. basically wanting to start over. but literally has said NOTHING. nothing about the break up, and nothing about why he is back.

when we broke up he said he just didn't see a future with us. but now he is super attentive, caring, fun - just SAYS nothing. so i don't know how to take that. he has been like that since day one. has a hard time expressing himself with words. but b/c we broke up so suddenly that time, i am a little insecure now. how do i make this right without losing him?

[paiger81]

How about having a conversation? :surprised I mean, given what you posted you have every right to get an explanation.....though if it were me, I would have wanted that BEFORE welcoming him back with open arms.

[ontariogirl]

I have tried. It gets me nowhere.

I know about that. I have guilt every day that I didn't demand one before going back. But when you're in love u do stupid things.

[CTGirl]

A lot of guys have a rough time talking about their feelings/motivations, so I wouldnt be too concerned about that part, as long as you're getting your needs met.

As far as your security in the relationship, that is important, and if I were you, I'd talk to him about it, and rather than trying to get him to explain how he feels, just let him know that yo're feeling insecure given the situation (and how that insecurity will affect both you and him) so you just want some info from him so you can feel more comfortable about things.

I don't think you should question whether or not you're "enough" - clearly you are, or he wouldnt have come back to you - but maybe you need to be a bit more conscious of his "ways" so the two of you can get along better as a couple?

[CTGirl]

I have tried. It gets me nowhere.

I know about that. I have guilt every day that I didn't demand one before going back. But when you're in love u do stupid things.

I took a bf back once, without getting a reason. It really put a strain on the relationship for the remaining 2 years we were together, and after he dumped me, he finally confessed that the only reason he'd wanted me back was because the girl he'd been seeing (who I didn't know he was seeing) had dumped him, and he was one of those guys who couldnt be without a gf :googly:

[ontariogirl]

I think you are probably right. I don't need to know how he feels because I can see it. So then what info is it that I ask for? I want to know if he's happy. If he sees this going anywhere this time,. but then i'm just contradicting what i said before we broke up - the whole 'in life you just need to take things one day at time, without worrying about tomorrow'. But I feel insecure and yes, it affects the way I act sometimes. I'm short, or i'm impolite and that is REALLY not me. I'm kind and gentle hearted, and I hate feeling this way

[CTGirl]

I think you are probably right. I don't need to know how he feels because I can see it. So then what info is it that I ask for? I want to know if he's happy. If he sees this going anywhere this time,. but then i'm just contradicting what i said before we broke up - the whole 'in life you just need to take things one day at time, without worrying about tomorrow'. But I feel insecure and yes, it affects the way I act sometimes. I'm short, or i'm impolite and that is REALLY not me. I'm kind and gentle hearted, and I hate feeling this way

If I were you, I would try starting out by telling him just that - that you feel that you've been treating him unfairly because of the uncertainty that you have, and then rather than asking him for anything specific, wait and see what he offers up for you. He seems to really care about you, so if he does, he won't just leave you hanging, he'll offer up something to make you feel better. Plus, he'll appreciate you openning up to apologize for any bad behavior.

Also, I'd suggest trying to just relax and enjoy your time with him - I've spent far too much time worrying myself, and I've decided it's not worth it anymore.

[ontariogirl]

Strange-my roommate and I have been giving eachother that same advice lately. And it work. B/C how can anyone fall in love with you or be happy with you, if you're not yourself? If you're anxious, doubtful and preoccupied.

I'm going to have a casual conversation with him. Just like you said. Apologize if i've not been myself and just explain why. I may just say that I need to hear once in a while how he feels. He will look at me in this certain way, and that way someone touches your face when they really care about you. Do you know what I mean? And I wish he could just say something. But still, it hasn't been a long time that we've been together so I should be patient

[asm198]

Have you asked him, point blank, or have you danced around the issue?

My fiance and I got back together after a 1.5 year break up. I felt that way when we got back together and the only way for me to get over it was to talk about why we broke up, in detail. I tried, at first, to leave the past in the past, but found that I needed to talk about it in order to get over it and move on with the relationship. It sounds dumb, but I needed the closure in order to move on, even though we were back together.

[CTGirl]

I'm going to have a casual conversation with him. Just like you said. Apologize if i've not been myself and just explain why. I may just say that I need to hear once in a while how he feels. He will look at me in this certain way, and that way someone touches your face when they really care about you. Do you know what I mean? And I wish he could just say something. But still, it hasn't been a long time that we've been together so I should be patient

Some guys just dont "say it" and show it instead. If he's one of these guys, you should think about whether you can adapt and be content with his nonverbals, or if this is gonna continue to bother you. He may be willing to compromise a bit on this (for instance, I had a bf who liked to write me notes), but the two of you really need to be confident in the others' feelings for this to work.

[ontariogirl]

I have danced around it. Reason being - that when we broke up I kept saying we needed to take it slower, have fun with it and not be so serious about things. I told him that when I was 29 (I am 30 and he just turned 29) I did the same thing. I over-analyzed everything - every decision I made b/c i was edging toward 30. I said that might not be the case for him but still, he should relax and just live in the moment. Then he went on vacation for 3 weeks, came back and has been doing that with me ever since.

So I would feel like a hypocrit(sp?) after telling him to just relax if I asked a ton of q's.

[CTGirl]

I have danced around it. Reason being - that when we broke up I kept saying we needed to take it slower, have fun with it and not be so serious about things. I told him that when I was 29 (I am 30 and he just turned 29) I did the same thing. I over-analyzed everything - every decision I made b/c i was edging toward 30. I said that might not be the case for him but still, he should relax and just live in the moment. Then he went on vacation for 3 weeks, came back and has been doing that with me ever since.

So I would feel like a hypocrit(sp?) after telling him to just relax if I asked a ton of q's.

I dont think you'd be a hypocrite if you're just looking for some clarification on where things stand.

His reaction is totally gonna depend on how you frame this to him. It's not about you pressuring him, it's just about you being confused about the status of things and needing some clarification, right?

[ontariogirl]

yes you are right. clarification is what i need the most. i mean i assume we are back together - but i haven't heard it from him.

so in your eyes what is the best way to frame it/word it?

[CTGirl]

yes you are right. clarification is what i need the most. i mean i assume we are back together - but i haven't heard it from him.

so in your eyes what is the best way to frame it/word it?

I would do like I said before, start off by saying something like "hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry if I've been a pain lately, but I'm just feeling kinda confused about what's goin on with us, so it's affecting the way I'm treating you, and that's not cool, so I'm sorry."

That way, you're opening the conversation by giving up something to him, which, if he's a good guy, will lead to him giving up something to you as well. If you need to edge him on a little, I'd say something like "I don't want to put any pressure on you or anything, but I'm just a bit confused on where we stand right now, so I'd really just like some clarification from you, that's all"

As long as you keep it low-pressure and casual, you should be totally fine. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[ontariogirl]

ok. that might work. but what if he's silent? what if he says 'i don't know?'

[CTGirl]

ok. that might work. but what if he's silent? what if he says 'i don't know?'

Well, you should prolly go into this with an idea of your needs. If he doesnt know what the situation is with your relationship, are you okay with that? Is he going to be okay with you feeling uncomfortable?

It may be that the most important thing at this point is just letting him know where you stand and how you're feeling, and that even if he doesn't have an answer for you, that might be okay for now. Maybe he'll need to think about it for a little while.

You may be also able to get him to answer more specific questions like, "are we actually a couple again?" or "are things different now than they were before we broke up?"

I'd say, just feel him out and see what he's able to give you. You know him well enough to know his limits. Just keep focused on what you're really trying to accomplish here.

[kipper]

Enough for who? I agree with if you are enough for yourself what do you care what others think? If someone else thinks you are not 'enough' then you don't want that person. It implies trying to conform or change to meet someone else's standards. That's not a good thing.