Living Together

[CLS84]

I'm sorry if you all have discussed this before but I was just curious...

My bf and I have been together for a little over 4 months and about three weeks ago he asked me to move in with him. I moved in about two weeks ago. It didn't really come as a shock to my family or friends since I basically have been living with him since we met. But people outside my family and friends have made comments about it being so soon and whatnot. I can see their point, but it was something we both felt was the right thing to do.

So my question is...how long were you with your SO before you moved in together? Was anyone against your decision?

[GoogleGirl]

My story is a little weird I suppose. I started dating my SO in February, and by May we were talking about the whole living together idea (so about 4 months). He ended up moving in with me once he graduated (lived in the dorms only because he was kicked out of Tulane because of Katrina) so he could keep his job for the summer. He assumed he was going to be in-state for law school, but that changed. He found out at the beginning of the summer that he would be moving out-of-state for law school, so he only lived with me for about 2.5 months. I'm considering moving up north to be with him, so I would be moving in with him. A bit of a crazy situation, but that is just how it seemed to work out for us.

[digimouse]

I'm sorry if you all have discussed this before but I was just curious...

My bf and I have been together for a little over 4 months and about three weeks ago he asked me to move in with him. I moved in about two weeks ago. It didn't really come as a shock to my family or friends since I basically have been living with him since we met. But people outside my family and friends have made comments about it being so soon and whatnot. I can see their point, but it was something we both felt was the right thing to do.

So my question is...how long were you with your SO before you moved in together? Was anyone against your decision?

If you and your family or friends don't think it's a problem,everything is all right.Just enjoy life with your bf.
Even in China now, youth always live together after their dating not too long.

[wordsmith]

I declined living with an SO I'd been with for a year. I'm not sure if it's just that it's not my style (or wasn't at the time), or that I just didn't necessarily want to live with him. I might have been different with somebody else. I tend to be on a slow timeline for things, though. I doubt I'd move in with somebody or have somebody move in with me after only a few months (in most cases, we're not even exclusive yet a few months in, for me). But you never know.

[springhaze]

some people can handle it after 4 months, some can't. Only you will know which category you (and your bf) fit into.

[wordsmith]

I don't think it necessarily boils down to "being able to handle" or "not being able to handle," though. If you don't live with an s.o., I wouldn't assume it's because you just couldn't handle moving in/them moving in.

[springhaze]

true- I worded that badly. I should have said, some relationships can handle all the new experiences and stress that living together can bring (whether it's early in the relationship or later) and some can't, resulting in a breakup.

[wordsmith]

That makes sense.

[asm198]

We had been dating for 7 months when we moved in together, but we started looking for apartments after dating for 4 months. We would have moved in together then, but we had to finish high school first. We ended up moving in together two months after we graduated high school.

I didn't want to live in the dorms and didn't want to live at home. I was going to live in the same city that my college was located and he would have been 30 minutes away, which would have been annoying, so we decided that it would be fun to live together. And for the most part, it has been fun.

[CLS84]

I absolutely love living with him. It's strange how completely normal everything has felt. Every step we have taken in our relationship hasn't scared me like in past relationships. I don't think it matters how long people are together before they make certain decisions, but it is nice to see that he and I aren't the only ones who did things early on in our relationship. Some people just made me feel like what we were doing was wrong and should have waited much longer. Everybody's different, as is each relationship.

[Winter Storm]

I know a girl who moved in with her boyfriend after only 3 months of dating. They've now been together 7 years.

[SmilesSoSweet]

I've always told myself that I wouldn't live with a guy until I was married. Now I say I have to be at least engaged. I guess I just need more than just the co-habitation and I like having my own space all the time. I hate sharing! LOL! But if anyone else lives with their SO, that's their choice. And I really hate people who judge others that live together before marriage especially if the rest of your family is okay with the situation. The only living arrangement I didn't really like was one with my friend and her bf at the time. Her bf was jobless for months and still in school and she was paying all the bills with her entry-level job. There's one thing to live with an SO, there's another thing to freeload off of one too.

And just like everything else, every relationship varies so it may be only a couple of months before a couple lives together or it may be a few years before they do.

[wordsmith]

I would consider living with somebody if it was the right person/right time, but honestly, I can't imagine having gone through my twenties NOT having lived quite a bit on my own. I think everyone should live alone at some point.

[CLS84]

I agree about living on your own first. Last year I lived with one of my friends. It def. lets you have your freedom to learn about yourself and also learn the responsibilites you didn't have living at home. I moved back in with my parents for a couple months until he and I decided to move in together. I was always against living with a guy before marriage, but have since gone back on my word since I met him. He's the first guy that I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with. I've made an allowance for him ;): This is also his first time living with a gf, so we'll have to see if it continues to go as well as it has, although I don't see why it wouldn't.

[wordsmith]

I agree about living on your own first. Last year I lived with one of my friends. It def. lets you have your freedom to learn about yourself and also learn the responsibilites you didn't have living at home. I moved back in with my parents for a couple months until he and I decided to move in together. I was always against living with a guy before marriage, but have since gone back on my word since I met him. He's the first guy that I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with. I've made an allowance for him ;): This is also his first time living with a gf, so we'll have to see if it continues to go as well as it has, although I don't see why it wouldn't.

Actually, I meant living by yourself, i.e. sans roommates, (I've done both, several years with housemates, several years solo). But yeah, similar benefits.

[CLS84]

Ahh i see. Sorry about the confusion. Do you count your roommate never being home/living with her bf at the time as living alone cause it sure felt like it! :frustrate

[elise9]

My SO and I started living together after 3 months - it just felt right. It's been 3 months since then, and we've never had any problems and continue to love living together. At this point, we wouldn't have it any other way.

I too worried about how other people viewed what we were doing, but it ultimately doesn't matter what they think, as we all know.

[Kitty]

I think this is one of those things where you just have to trust your gut. Some people move in after a few months and it works out fine, some people wait years and then when they do move in it doesn't work out. There is no general rule about timing. You just have to do what you think is best for you and your relationship.

I moved in with my bf after a year of dating, and we've been living together for 3 years now.

[wordsmith]

That's crazy that it's been three years, already, kitty. I remember when you were first debating moving in together.

[Kitty]

I know, craziness!!

[pisces2473]

Kitty, are you serious!?!? It's been THAT long!? Holy crap.

Anyway, I'll have been with my SO 3 years in December. We got engaged in June and we are now looking a place to live together. For a lot of reasons, we've had to live apart but now that we can be together, we really want to live together.

[dixie24]

My boyfriend and I only dated for about six months before moving in together, and we have now lived together for a year and a half and are very happy. However, we were friends for almost three years before we started dating, so we had over three years of history going in to it and already knew each other really well. :rolleyes:

[Viola]

Yea, I almost became my boyfriend's roommate. I was going to rent his spare room. We knew eachother for about a year and a half through work. I moved some stuff in, and wound up staying the first night there (as a roommate) in his room with him. Needless to say, I didn't move in, I got my own place and four months later, we are a happy couple.

I have a year lease so we'll see how things are when it runs out. I would love to live with him.

[acousticgroupie]

we were together and broke up and then got back together and were together about 6 months. we said we could get out of the living together and still be together if we wanted. that never happened:) we were married about 3 years later;)

[beeblebrox]

My bf and I are in the process of moving in together. We've been together for almost two years in October. Our leases mainly were the problem in getting ready to move in with him. I wanted to move in with him right away but liked my space too. Now, we're both ready to move in together. I'm a take it slow kind of person too.

[Nehalem58]

I never wanted to move in with a girlfriend until I was married or close to it. But life dosnt always let things happen the way you want them too. I wont be getting married for at least two years, and I hate not being able to see my girlfriend the way it is, living apart. Second, neither one of us can afford to live on our own, which means both of us living at home and that just isnt an option. So we are talking about moving in together in January or February of next year. We have been together now for two years, and a strong solid two years at that. We have also been through a lot together, which makes it alright to move in together. I am still a little weary though, as things "change" when you move in together. We are definately going to get an apartment with two bedrooms, one for each of us. That way we can preserve our space and privacy. I would lose my mind if I had to share a bedroom with a girlfriend. People do that just to save money, but two bedrooms is worth the extra bit a month so you can have your space and your sanity.

Living together is alright until you break up. I had a girlfriend in college who lived with her ex boyfriend and he was wonderful at first, but then went downhill and was abusive and awful and and she couldn't leave because she could not afford to live on her own or pay the fee to break the lease. It was a total nightmare. And if messed her up pretty bad. So beware.

[wordsmith]

I personally love, love, love having my own apartment and my own space. I could foresee being with somebody quite some time before considering sharing space.

[beeblebrox]

I personally love, love, love having my own apartment and my own space. I could foresee being with somebody quite some time before considering sharing space.

I've lived by myself since my senior year of college when my friends pushed me out of the living arrangements. The school had leftover studio apartments and my friends lived in the new building (which had some issues being built too fast), so I got used to living on my own quick and loving it. I've been living by myself since then (I'm 26 and out of graduate school). Since meeting my boyfriend after a slew of not so good ones, I'm finally comfortable with the whole idea of moving in with someone who love and care about. We spend alot of time together anyway (when he's not traveling to South Bend at the moment), so I'm comfortable with the moving in thing now after living alone since I was 21.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, after age 18-24 with roommates, I've been living totally solo for five years, myself. I'm pretty accustomed to it and it would be a big effort to make the switch.

[Kitty]

I've lived by myself since my senior year of college when my friends pushed me out of the living arrangements. The school had leftover studio apartments and my friends lived in the new building (which had some issues being built too fast), so I got used to living on my own quick and loving it. I've been living by myself since then (I'm 26 and out of graduate school). Since meeting my boyfriend after a slew of not so good ones, I'm finally comfortable with the whole idea of moving in with someone who love and care about. We spend alot of time together anyway (when he's not traveling to South Bend at the moment), so I'm comfortable with the moving in thing now after living alone since I was 21.

Just keep in mind that "spending a lot of time together" and living with someone are too totally and completely different things.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Yeah, after age 18-24 with roommates, I've been living totally solo for five years, myself. I'm pretty accustomed to it and it would be a big effort to make the switch.

This is how I feel too. I've had roommates all throughout college with the exception of the last six months where I lived by myself.

After graduating, I wanted to live closer to work and the only way that could be possible was to get a roommate (rents were a LOT more expensive!!).

So it wasn't until I moved out here (five years later) that I was able to afford to live by myself once again and I love it. I'm not used to sharing my space with anyone else. So if I ever decide to live with an SO it'll take a big effort for me to make that decision.

[elise9]

Just keep in mind that "spending a lot of time together" and living with someone are too totally and completely different things.

But that also depends on you and your relationship. Absolutely nothing has changed between me and my SO since living together, except that we see each other all the time ( which we want to) and we even get to do the crappy things like laundry and cleaning together, instead of having to say "OK, I've got to go now to get X done".

[Kitty]

But that also depends on you and your relationship. Absolutely nothing has changed between me and my SO since living together, except that we see each other all the time ( which we want to) and we even get to do the crappy things like laundry and cleaning together, instead of having to say "OK, I've got to go now to get X done".

I never said anything changed regarding the relationship..but living together IS different that just spending lots of time together.

[embrassezla]

I never said anything changed regarding the relationship..but living together IS different that just spending lots of time together.
I absolutely agree. The differences come from how well the couple can adapt to living together - it's harder for some people than others. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but even the most agreeable couple is going to move in together, and after a few months someone is going to flip out because OMG I BOUGHT PAPER TOWELS 3 TIMES IN A ROW IT'S YOUR TURN. or chores don't get divided up evenly, or whatever. stuff like that has to get worked out. Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes it's not. But situations do come up while living together that won't any other way.

[wordsmith]

I absolutely agree. The differences come from how well the couple can adapt to living together - it's harder for some people than others. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but even the most agreeable couple is going to move in together, and after a few months someone is going to flip out because OMG I BOUGHT PAPER TOWELS 3 TIMES IN A ROW IT'S YOUR TURN. or chores don't get divided up evenly, or whatever. stuff like that has to get worked out. Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes it's not. But situations do come up while living together that won't any other way.

Yup, I'd imagine that nearly everything that's an annoyance in a platonic roommate is going to be an annoyance in a live in-S.O.

[winneythepooh7]

Yup, I'd imagine that nearly everything that's an annoyance in a platonic roommate is going to be an annoyance in a live in-S.O.

Yup. For us, we have completely different personalities first thing in the morning. I am very quiet and grumpy and don't really feel like talking. My SO wakes up revving to go and takes it personally that I'm not all chipper in the morning. I also fall asleep hard and get really grumpy if woken up. He also takes that personally too, even though he does the exact same thing if woken up.

[winneythepooh7]

I absolutely agree. The differences come from how well the couple can adapt to living together - it's harder for some people than others. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but even the most agreeable couple is going to move in together, and after a few months someone is going to flip out because OMG I BOUGHT PAPER TOWELS 3 TIMES IN A ROW IT'S YOUR TURN. or chores don't get divided up evenly, or whatever. stuff like that has to get worked out. Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes it's not. But situations do come up while living together that won't any other way.

My SO is always working extremely long hours so I usually am the one who ends up doing a lot of the chores like laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning up the apartment. I get super pissed if I decide to not do "our" laundry on the weekend and he makes a comment about it. It could end up being WW3 for a moment. What works for us is that he usually spots me the extra cash to cover things like groceries and laundry and our electric and cable bill so I don't have to bother him and can just go ahead and get stuff done around the house when I feel like it. I also get annoyed if I have just cleaned the whole house and he stomps around in his dirty work boots. We've gotten into little tiffs before because he'll make a comment like "Oh, you can just vaccum it up for me" AFTER I've spent the afternoon cleaning the whole apartment already. But there are times when he is around that he really chips in a lot. Often he walks the dog for me if I don't feel like it, or cleans the litter box, takes out the trash or drags heavy laundry up in the elevator. Living with a SO is all about compromise, and like in any situation where one is living with others, there are going to be days where we both get moody and annoying and on each others nerves.

[wordsmith]

OH MY GOD. Anybody who's ever lived with me knows that you do NOT FREAKING TALK TO ME until I've been awake at least 45 minutes.

When I had roommates who were chattery, blabby morning people, I tended to just sequester myself to my room, reading the paper or whatever and waking up.

[Krishna]

I'm the opposite. As soon as I'm standing up (esp. if I've had a shower right away), I'm good to go. However, the recent battle with my BF has been that he's been staying up later than me. I keep telling him that it's fine if he wants to stay up later, but to stop trying to wake me up when he comes to bed, esp. if it's post-midnight. I actually threw a pillow at him last weekend because he tried to wake me up at 1:30. I was pissed. If I wake up incidentally when you crawl into bed, so be it, but dont shake me, or I will not be happy with you. If you want to screw around, go to bed at a decent hour, or wait until morning.

[embrassezla]

in my house, chores are divided up almost exactly evenly. i think we bypass a lot of common problems by doing our own personal chores like laundry & grocery shoppping separately, and splitting household chores almost right down the middle, and even keeping our finances separate and each contributing 50/50 to house-related bills, regardless that one of us makes more than the other. i think some couples get into problems when they "trade" chores for money or working or whatever. i know M's sister has asked us how we split things up, because she's had a difficult time adapting to married life with her husband and they tend to fight a lot. i understand that some people probably need to trade off chores, money, working & what not because that's how things go, but i think that can more easily lead to arguments because one person will start to feel like they are doing more & the trade isn't an even one. just my impression.

[g8ergal83]

my first advice, dont let people tell you whats right and wrong. it may be wrong for them, but that doesnt mean its wrong for you. if they dont understand it, poop on em.

second, just to answer your question, we were together for about 3 months shy of 2 years before we moved in together. the first year i was finishing college and lived in a dorm (yes, even as a senior - but those apartment-style dorms). he visited me any time he could and he stayed overnight. then when i came back home after graduating, we broke up for about 3 months. then we got back together and i didnt want to move in right away, 1 because i didnt have enough money saved from working, and 2 because i wanted to make sure he wasnt going to break up w/ me again. he didnt. we are very happy. however, just realize that moving in with someone makes it harder to leave them, even if just a little bit. I'm happy in my relationship and i'm thrilled that we live together (even after a year and a half of doing so), but if we were to break up, you cant just leave and say see-ya. you have to pack your stuff. you have to take YOUR furniture and YOUR dishes, etc. (even YOUR shower curtain hehe) You still have to see them all this time. or, if you decided you're throwing him out, you actually have to go through with it. 4 months for me would be fast to move in with someone I really like/love, but i'm set with my guy for the rest of my life (almost). you just have to be sure you're making the right decision for YOU. dont listen to everyone else who thinks they know whats best for you when they dont even know whats best for themselves. if you're ready, go for it :) BEst of luck with your relationship and I hope youtwo are as happy as me and my guy are : :huge:

[g8ergal83]

i apologize.. i didnt read the whole thread before i commented.

so i add this: living together is all about compromise. he works late and i dont, so i usually clean up when i get home, make dinner, do some laundry, etc., but he helps me out when he's home and i'm working. and when we're home together (if its not after like 10pm or later), we do everything together. i absolutely LOVE living with him. he makes me so happy. things really didnt change that much for us when we moved in together except that i learned he doesnt yell. (thank god, but i come from a family who yells when they're mad.. so him not yelling back at me really bugged me - i'm getting used to it though :)) anyway, we split the bills, not 50/50, but he pays cable, i pay phone, things like that. we make sure its pretty much equal, and we do split rent 50/50, but i have a car payment and he doesnt... bla bla bla. we're going to get married and be together forever, so as lolng as we both love each other, i dont mind doing his laundry (as long as he helps me put it all away), and i'm just a natural cleaner-upper so i do it anyway. you've got to work things out as you go along. if somethign comes up that buggs you, dont want to bring it up.. bring it up right then and work it out. if you dont, you'll never really be happy. for us, i cant imagine splitting everything, money, chores, etc., 50/50 because that seems like too much of a "roommate" to me instead of an SO. with an SP you actually love each other. you care about each other. you give a little extra to make them happy, and they do that for you. but then again, thats just us :)

[EastCoastQLCing]

I moved in with my boyfriend after seven months of dating. His mother was the one who was most opposed to it because she is very traditional and said that it was only proper if I had a ring on my finger first. Everyone else supported it. That is great that your family and friends support you!

Do what YOU feel is right and what makes YOU happy. No one knows your feelings and relationship better than you and your boyfriend do. When the timing is right, the timing is right. It varies for everyone.

[Krishna]

This is especially funny, because for some reason I went to church with my parents this morning (first time in darn near 8 months) and the sermon was on the "proper" course of action for "committed" relationships. Priest went off on a tangent about living together before marriage. I glanced at each of my parents, and they seemed to be giving each other telepathic high 5's. A major coup for them that I came to church when that was being discussed apparently. My mom has been not-so-subtly commenting on how I shoudlnt move in with my boyfriend for the last year now. I smile and nod while it goes in one ear and out the other.

[wordsmith]

I think I would bust out laughing if I ever sat through a church sermon that focused on the evils of cohabitation. But, then again, I went through confirmation with an ardent feminist pastor who didn't take her husband's name, and my church isn't known for its traditionalist views on many social topics.

[Krishna]

I mentally squirmed through the whole 20 minute ordeal. Outwardly I probably looked calm, but I wanted to rip the guy apart for the various tangents he went off on.

[beeblebrox]

Just keep in mind that "spending a lot of time together" and living with someone are too totally and completely different things.

Yeah, I didn't think of that, but it's the first time in a many of years that I'm comfortable with someone like this in a relationship. It's going to be a lot easier to adapt to one person than 7 people and I really want to live with him versus the stress of living with 7 people.