When your significant other reveals that they've cheated..

[musiclover]

Just wondering if anyone has experieneced their sig. other revealing that he or she has cheated, but way after the fact. I have never experienced a boyfriend who has cheated on me - thankfully. But, today, the guy that I have been dating for the past year, except for a month, indirectly told me that he had. I didn't know what to say or how to even react. We were outside at work during lunch and a girl passed by whom I had never seen before. He introduced me and later said that he had gone to school with her, but didn't know her then. Their paths crossed back in March when he and she were working on a show together. He told me that they would talk for hours and became very close. He kept emphasizing very. Then, he said they had a falling out because he found out she was revealing what he would share with her to other people. Looking back on the timing, it must have started just before he told me he wanted to take a month long break in our relationship, blaming it on me and what he thought was my inability to have an open and sharing relationhip. I was so stunned by his revelations today that I didn't know what to say, nor could I understand why he felt the need to share this on the parking lot of our bldg at lunch. I just went back inside to work, but I feel so at loss for what I want to say to him. Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do??

[Krishna]

My hard and fast rule about cheating is that if someone doesnt love me enough to stay faithful to me, I'm out the door. Period. Sounds harsh, but I know I deserve more than that.

[CTGirl]

My hard and fast rule about cheating is that if someone doesnt love me enough to stay faithful to me, I'm out the door. Period. Sounds harsh, but I know I deserve more than that.

Agreed, I take a lot of shit in relationships, but I draw the line at cheating. It's not something I can ever really forgive, so when it comes out, it's over.

[winneythepooh7]

Agreed, I take a lot of shit in relationships, but I draw the line at cheating. It's not something I can ever really forgive, so when it comes out, it's over.

Me three on that one. I know myself and my limitations. I just never would be able to trust him again, and I would always bring this up in fights. If someone cheats in a relationship, it's not worth sticking around IMHO to see if "they will change or just made a mistake".

[tina1979]

I tend to agree with the others, however I feel like in this case its probably been eating at him on how to tell you and get it out in the open. I think you need to decide if you will be able to put it behind you and then have a good talk. I will however point out that if you feel this is something you can put behind you that once you guys hash it out....don't bring it up again. If you want your relationship to heal you can't hold it over his head.

Good luck! (((hugs)))

[WorkInProgress]

I have not experienced what you describe, so all of the following is from a hypothetical frame of reference.

I think if you have any desire to fix your relationship with this person, you will need to have a conversation to discuss his issues, your issues and the break. You will both have to be honest, and confident in the trust you place in each other.

[SunDevil]

My hard and fast rule about cheating is that if someone doesnt love me enough to stay faithful to me, I'm out the door. Period. Sounds harsh, but I know I deserve more than that.

There are only a few reason why I would ever break up with someone and this would be reason number 1.

It does sound like he broke up with you in order to try and have a relationship with the other girl. But when that didn't work out, he came back to you. What's to say that the next time he is working with a hot girl that he won't break up with you again and go after the other girl?

Then again, maybe he just started dating again very quickly after breaking it off with you.

[winneythepooh7]

There are only a few reason why I would ever break up with someone and this would be reason number 1.

It does sound like he broke up with you in order to try and have a relationship with the other girl. But when that didn't work out, he came back to you. What's to say that the next time he is working with a hot girl that he won't break up with you again and go after the other girl?

Then again, maybe he just started dating again very quickly after breaking it off with you.

I've been in relationships where I was the person who liked another boy, so I did the "temp breakup" with my current beau. Every time, I learned that my current beau of the moment was not the "one", and also, I was not ready to settle down which were my reasons for going to the other boys. Granted I was also in college (well okay, also right after college) the last time this happened, but still. Maybe just dating around for both of you is sometimes a good thing.

[wordsmith]

While I can forgive, I am wholly unable to forget. I'd never get over the breach of trust, and even if I tried to get past it and continue the relationship, I know that I'd find myself doubting everything, constantly waiting for it to happen again, bracing myself for the other shoe to fall, and being mistrustful of everything at some level.

Trust just doesn't repair itself for me. I couldn't continue a relationship with somebody I knew cheated, even if I wanted to. It would be a trainwreck of irreparable trust.

[ScottyTheBody]

Honestly, I think you should be clearly honest with him. Ask him directly if he did and make sure you provide reasons as to why you thought this. You seem like your pretty sure that he did, but I think you should be absolutely sure about this and talk to him about your concerns.

However, having said that, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me.

[CTGirl]

Reading what you posted more closely, this sounds a lot like what my bf in college did, but not quite as bad.

We had been dating a year when he told me that he just couldnt handle being in a serious relationship, so we kinda broke up, but still pretty much acted the same, and everyone else thought we were still dating. This nonsense went on for about a year. During that time, he had a "close friend" back home who he talked to quite a bit (who was 16 btw). He told me they were "just friends" and that I had nothing to worry about, but I couldnt help thinking that it was more than that. So after about a year, he came to me and told me that he wanted to try again with us, and, thinking that nothing had happened with this girl, I took him back, and we dated for another 2 years. He dumped me right after graduation (for another girl--although he didnt admit that at the time) and confessed then that he had been dating that 16-yr-old, while we were sorta broken up, and that the reason he'd wanted to get back with me was because she dumped him.

For me, even the suspiscion that he was doing what I thought he was put a seious strain on our relationship for those last 2 years, and then when I found out it was true, I knew there was no way I would ever be able to really forgive.

In both of our cases, the guys aren't even "technically" cheating, but it's shady nonetheless, and the bottom line, from my perspective, is that it's deceptive, and not indicative of someone you can really have a trusting relationship with.

Now, if you were just casually dating this guy, maybe its not so big a deal, and not so deceptive on his part, its hard to say without knowing all the details.

It's also very interesting that he made a point to tell you all about this - asuaging his guilt perhaps?

[Krishna]

There are only a few reason why I would ever break up with someone and this would be reason number 1.

I've made that perfectly clear to people too when they ask about deal breakers. #1 is cheating. #2 is lying. #3 is lying about cheating.

[CLS84]

I had the same thing happen to me, pretty much. It was my first bf and (as I later found out) we broke up after about 3 or 4 months because he said he thought he was going to be sent overseas for the army soon and he though it would be best to break-up beforehand so it wouldn't be so hard when it happened later on. Long story short, we got back together a little while after that (no he didn't get sent anywhere) and later admitted that he'd cheated on me and didn't want to face telling me. There were many red flags and I should have seen them all. I'm not sure if you have the same problem, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me. It's too hard to forget/forgive because it's always in the back of your mind and you're just waiting for him to do it again and admit to it. It's hard to not be insecure afterwards. I'm a very trusting person, too, but it's too draining on me and I feel that I deserve better, no matter how much I love the person. No one deserves to be lied to or hurt like that.

[wordsmith]

It's very hard, if not impossible, to get past being disrespected. And cheating on somebody is one of the more disrespectful things you can do.

[Kitty]

Time to move on.

[spiritedaway]

Me too. Cheating -> the end of the relationship. I don't believe in second chances or taking someone back if they cheated, because the trust has been breached. Being faithful (integrity) is high on my list.

There are only a few reason why I would ever break up with someone and this would be reason number 1.

[musiclover]

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I will be attending his show tomorrow nite and she will be there as well. He and I have not had an opportunity to talk. It will be interesting to see how they interact. I'm scared. I love the guy so very much - but I've never told him that.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I will be attending his show tomorrow nite and she will be there as well.

I hope I am reading this wrong. That's F'ed up that "SHE" will be there. What's that about?

[Krishna]

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I will be attending his show tomorrow nite and she will be there as well. He and I have not had an opportunity to talk. It will be interesting to see how they interact. I'm scared. I love the guy so very much - but I've never told him that.

#1, if you loved him you should have told him
#2, she shouldnt be there, if he really wants to make things work...

[WorkInProgress]

Can he help it if she shows up? I mean, he could definitely ask her not to come (and ought to, if he hasn't), but can he realistically prevent her from attending?

[tina1979]

#2, she shouldnt be there, if he really wants to make things work...
Just a guess...I think this is a work thing and it can't be helped that she is there.

[Chameleon]

Can he help it if she shows up? I mean, he could definitely ask her not to come (and ought to, if he hasn't), but can he realistically prevent her from attending?
From the sounds of it, the guy and the "other chick" are performers in a show together, it's not like he can go to the organizer and say "Hey, my girlfriend doesn't want other chick to be in show. Can you take her out?"

musiclover, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You've posted before about not being included in his family stuff, no communications except on the weekends even though you've dated for a year and now him lying and blaming you for the break when he wanted to mess around with someone else. Why are you putting up with this? Did you ever talk to him about the lack of communication?

[WorkInProgress]

From the sounds of it, the guy and the "other chick" are performers in a show together, it's not like he can go to the organizer and say "Hey, my girlfriend doesn't want other chick to be in show. Can you take her out?"
Thanks...I missed this memo.

[blueyes]

I don't even know where to begin - because I've lived this. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of it, two years later.

My (then) SO moved about 40 minutes away to school the same year I started my new job. It was unbelievably stressful for both of us: he was back at school for the first time in a year, I was starting my first professional job. We fought - a lot. It turned out that during one of our fallouts he did 'something' with another girl (I've heard varying versions of 'something' and I won't go into that here). This was in October. I found out in January - from an ex who had sisters who were friends with the other girl.

When I confronted him, it was hell. I swear to you that I have never been so f'ed up in my life. And it was true. It was all true.

I didn't trust him for months. But I stayed with him. I know everyone's eyes are bugging and you're shaking your heads and you can't seem to get your mouths to close... There is nothing I can tell you that will make you understand my reasons for not walking away.

But I can tell you it was a mistake to stay. I know that now. Yes, I did trust him again - but not without a hell of a lot of misery and soul-searching and acceptance. In the process of working it all out, I did some things which I am not proud of and I hurt myself.

We broke it off because I moved to Annapolis, but we've remained friends. At this point in time, I'm content to be single and figuring myself out. I need it - I was with my SO for five-and-a-half years and I absolutely lost a good bit of myself during those five (and-a-half) years. It was a learning experience - an awful, ugly learning experience that I am glad is over.

To the OP, I can't tell you if you should stay or not. I can't say it was worth it or if it was the most awful waste of time and energy I've ever expended. It's not my place. That's for you to work through - you need to decide if you genuinely love this man enough to work through the fact that he (may have) cheated on you and came back when it didn't work out. You need to decide if you can - or want - to wrap your head around that fact and deal with it day in and day out for as long as you are with him. It's all on you - but I am more than willing to walk beside you for as long as it might take you to come out the other side.

[WorkInProgress]

blueyes, what a great post.

[paiger81]

Maybe it's catty of me, but I would completely go up to the girl & say something like "Look, bitch, if you want him you can have him" or something. If I was in that situation, I would never let the 'other woman' have the satisfaction of seeing me in distress.

But, I also probably would NOT go to his performance, I don't see how that helps anything.

[blueyes]

Also, limit your interaction with the other girl until you can handle yourself like an adult. I managed to avoid any interactions at all with the other girl for two weeks until she cried 'wolf' and begged my SO to take her in for the remainder of the semester (this is a stellar post in and of itself - but PM me for the whole ugly story). I then had to handle her being in the same house (there were six of them in a house) and didn't actually interact with her until I was well and ready. When it came down to finally interacting, I handled myself like an adult and she sulked in the corner smoking her cigarette.

In the long run, trashing the other girl won't make you feel better. It's a small, bitter victory but it's hollow and empty - and chances are that you'll end up feeling horrid for it later.

If you feel the need to go to the performance tonight, I would suggest that you arrive just before curtain and leave immediately after. It will sting like hell to do this, but you're going to be upset and you're going to want to have it out with him/her. But having it out in public isn't a good idea and it's also going to cause you more grief than not speaking to your bf and/or the other girl until you've got a better grip on your own feelings.

[wordsmith]

I am definitely the girl who would just not go (esp. if chick will be there). It does my dignity no good to look like I'm "fighting" for a guy. I don't compete. Period.

[Krishna]

Just a guess...I think this is a work thing and it can't be helped that she is there.

I must have missed that. I don't know, this whole situation just makes me uneasy.

[CTGirl]

If you feel the need to go to the performance tonight, I would suggest that you arrive just before curtain and leave immediately after. It will sting like hell to do this, but you're going to be upset and you're going to want to have it out with him/her. But having it out in public isn't a good idea and it's also going to cause you more grief than not speaking to your bf and/or the other girl until you've got a better grip on your own feelings.

Agreed, if you must go, this is what I'd do, so that you wont have to deal with seeing them interact before and after.

Ugh, I need to stay off this thread, it's making my stomach hurt :sad:

[blueyes]

Ugh, I need to stay off this thread, it's making my stomach hurt :sad:

...like you can't believe. :neutral:

But if the OP gets a bit more insight from all of us, and suffers a bit less (hopefully a lot less) than the rest of us did - I feel it's worth it.

[CTGirl]

...like you can't believe. :neutral:

But if the OP gets a bit more insight from all of us, and suffers a bit less (hopefully a lot less) than the rest of us did - I feel it's worth it.

I hope so.

Your post sounded an awful lot like mine, so I know where you're coming from :frustrate

How long ago did all this go down for you? It's been more than 2 years for me, and although I'm pretty much over it and recovered, thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach.

[musiclover]

...like you can't believe. :neutral:

But if the OP gets a bit more insight from all of us, and suffers a bit less (hopefully a lot less) than the rest of us did - I feel it's worth it.

I just wanted to say thanks to all for your posts. I appreciate everyone's insight. It really helps! And, I'm sorry if my post made anyone uneasy.

To answer some questions, he didn't invite her. She is good friends with someone who used to be a part of the company, and who we both know. I have lived all of the classes and rehearsals with him for 9 months now, so I want to go to see the culmination of everyone's hard work. As some suggested, I will walk in with my head high and leave right after with the same dignity I came in with. I would never confront her. That's just not me.

I guess I can't give an explanation that will make sense to anyone as to what I am getting out of this relationship, and I probably seem like a total fool to all. Everything that you brought up is completely accurate. But, it's the times that we spend together that are always so special and memorable and that have resulted in me growing to care so much for him.

[blueyes]

I'm sorry if my post made anyone uneasy. It's ok - we're big kids. We can take it. ;) Honestly, if we didn't want to help, we'd walk away. We're pulling for you.

I guess I can't give an explanation that will make sense to anyone as to what I am getting out of this relationship, and I probably seem like a total fool to all. Everything that you brought up is completely accurate. I second this - and you don't need to. All you need to do is feel comfortable in your own skin. If being with him is part of that, then keep doing it. But when it stops being comfortable or okay or whatever - take a good long look at why it stopped being comfortable or okay or whatever and if his (quasi-)admission is the source of it all, then it is probably a good idea to take a weekend for yourself and do some serious soul-searching.

He may give you the most fantastic emotional high ever - but that means you're also coping with the nastiest fallout imaginable. That's what ultimately did it in for me; things with my SO were great - when we were together. But we were so often apart because of my travel or his productions or conflicting schedules...so I sat down and thought it through. If I hadn't moved when I did, I would have broken it off before he started classes again.

It doesn't matter if you feel invincible when you're with him - if you have to leave the bedroom light on to keep the monsters at bay, maybe it's time to find a new knight-in-shining-armor...

[CTGirl]

I guess I can't give an explanation that will make sense to anyone as to what I am getting out of this relationship, and I probably seem like a total fool to all. Everything that you brought up is completely accurate. But, it's the times that we spend together that are always so special and memorable and that have resulted in me growing to care so much for him.

If someone had tried to get me to leave my old bf when times were bad, I probably wouldnt have listened anyhow, cuz the good times were amazingly good and I wouldnt expect any different from you. You've got to take it at your own pace.

I think the important thing is to remember to keep an open mind about the situation and remember that although he may seem like the best thing in the world, there are most assuredly better guys out there, so it's up to you whether he seems wothwhile to you or not.

[beeblebrox]

I got cheated on horribly by my ex bf from high school/college. He slept around on me while I was away in college. He wanted me to stay in the city where he was but I didn't want to cheat myself out of a good college experience. When I was home once, I had suscipions and some people told me about his activities and i stayed with him. It wasn't until I came home for Thanksgiving one year and I had suscipions (lips were raw, really weird). It wasn't until I talked to some of his friends that my suspicions were true and I broke up with right away and didn't eat for about two days and missed a few classes. I threw out a bunch of pictures and letters from him because they seemed like bs to me and it was painful to have around. That was the worst one because I thought that I loved him. It took a long time to trust a guy after that.

Recently, I found out another guy that I was dating briefly cheated on me in retrospect when I read his wedding webpage. His first date with his wife was before he broke up with me. He was a major tool, so I bet that hasn't changed in his married life either. So, that one wasn't as bad, but I'd still deck him if I saw him or pour a drink on him.

My current boyfriend has one situation on cheating on an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a friend right now (who I just cut myself off contact wise with her because she gets mean and bitchy and controlling). He said that he would never do it again and I trust him about it. I especially trust him since he was afraid of losing me during a big blowout fight. It's hard to recover from being cheated on especially with a first love. Like I said, it took awhile to trust a guy ever again with such a sting of cheating.

[musiclover]

I did go to the performance last week, and it actually went okay. She was there. I said hello. Watched the show and left shortly after it was over. His family was there, unexpectedly, and they were so warm towards me. That surprised me as I have only met them once back in January. His brother said to me ' your boyfriend gave a great performance'. It was the use of 'boyfriend' that surprised me, as I didn't think he told them we re-started our relationship after taking the break. All in all, it was an okay nite. He called me after, said he was sorry he couldn't spend more time with me after the show, and thanked me for coming.

On another note, he invited me to a party over the weekend, for one of his friends from grad school. I have never spent any time with his friends, as it's always just me and him when we go out. I was surprised to see how uncomfortable and nervous he gets in social settings. I never knew how shy and insecure he is. It made me think if maybe that's why he doesn't usually include me in family and friend activities (not that he sees friends that often) - because he's so awkward in social situations. I don't know - maybe i'm not right..