My ex-boyfriens/SO

[bluup10]

What do you guys think about ex-boyfriends? Worth keeping around as friends? Or not? Cause we still fight a LOT. Especially yesterday.

I always want to break up the friendship but then he makes me feel terrible for suggesting it... Give me your honest opinion, please. And thanks.

[wordsmith]

Depends. I was ALWAYS friends with exes as a teen (probably because they were more really just friends as whole, anyway, we did the BF/GF thing, but really, friends was a more accurate label for that age). Then, as an adult, when there was more emotional at stake, I stopped doing the friends with exes thing, because there was usually some sort of hard feelings on either end that prevented a good base for a post-breakup friendship from being possible. But I do have one ex as an adult who is still very close to me. He's one of the better people I know, and although I think he'd probably agree that it can be hard at times (our breakup wasn't due to some big thing that happened, the deck was kind of stacked against it from the start and it just didn't work out due to circumstances beyond real control, so there have been some sad residual feelings), it's worth maintaining a friendship.

[tina1979]

it depends on the person.

If you want to break off the friendship then do it. stop answering his calls or whatever. Just let it fade out so you don't have to get into an argument over being his friend or not.

[WorkInProgress]

Only if you're actually friends (and not in the weird, we're trying this friend thing out but really we're still screwed up from being together romantically kind of way). If it's forced (which sounds like it might be the case), then, no, I don't think it's a great idea. At the very least, some time apart and space might be needed.

[Kitty]

I personally don't think it's a good idea. Better to just cut the ties and move on.

[wordsmith]

It really comes down to being super honest about whether you'd be happier with somebody in your life or not in your life, post breakup. And the answer to that isn't always easy.

[MetFanL]

I usually try to ask myself if they'd even be a good friend to me. If they were a "bad" boyfriend, chances are they are going to be a bad friend. They'll just find a whole new set of ways to disappoint you.

Initially, I CAN'T be friends. The emotional stuff is too hard. Down the road, maybe acquaintances, but not usually what I would call a friend.

[wordsmith]

I usually try to ask myself if they'd even be a good friend to me. If they were a "bad" boyfriend, chances are they are going to be a bad friend. They'll just find a whole new set of ways to disappoint you.


Totally true. Somebody who treats you badly as an S.O. isn't going to treat you any better as a friend. It's really only when it's a relatively amicable split that it's ever even a good plan, for me.

[LaFille]

personally, i am incapable of remaining friends with someone who broke my heart. and if it was the other way around, i feel guilty and can't handle hanging out with them. i have yet to be involved in a mutual breakup with no hard feelings though, so i don't know about that one.

all i know is that if one person still has feelings, it is a BAD IDEA! :frustrate

[CLS84]

I've had only one good experience being friends with an ex. Mostly someone is too hurt or not completely over the other person for us to be friends and that just creates an atmosphere that nobody wants. I, too, tried to be friends with an ex and we just fought way too often for it to work out. I just started answering his calls less and whatnot until I we just stopped being friends. It wasn't healthy for either of us. In the end it turned out for the best. Hope that helps you in some way.

[MetFanL]

I just feel like staying friends is settling for whatever scraps they're willing to give you. And, that's just cr*p. I'm sorry, but f that. I know I deserve more than scraps.

[wordsmith]

I just feel like staying friends is settling for whatever scraps they're willing to give you. And, that's just cr*p. I'm sorry, but f that. I know I deserve more than scraps.

A legitimate friendship doesn't have to be scraps, though. Sometimes it's what's realistic when you can't make a relationship work but still are close with one another.

[spokes]

nothing spells F-U-N like having a friend that you fight with......

seems to me that if this friendshipp wre a loyal family pet, we would put it down and congratulate ourselves on doing the humane thing.

[Empressallie]

I am not friends with ex's. I dont want to be. I dont even try to be. NOT WORTH IT.

[Wolfpack21]

I've managed to stay friends with several of my exs. I think it works out best if you broke up on good terms. If someone cheated or something hurtful ocurred, then I doubt being friends would work out too well.

[elise9]

my exes (with whom I've always done the "breaking up") have always asked to be friends, and I've never allowed it. It's not that I can't have a civil relationship with them if we still have mutual friends etc, but I don't feel the desire or the need the have that person in my life anymore.
In their case, I felt more like these guys wanted to keep around for all the good stuff that we had, but without the difficulty and compexity of a "romantic" realationship - to which I say - Sorry, but no! If I'm better off without you as my boyfriend, I'm probably better off without you as my friend too.

[wordsmith]

my exes (with whom I've always done the "breaking up") have always asked to be friends, and I've never allowed it. It's not that I can't have a civil relationship with them if we still have mutual friends etc, but I don't feel the desire or the need the have that person in my life anymore.

See, and that's the diff. for me. Unless they did something horrible, I rarely want somebody out of my life. It's too weird to me to sink a lot of time, energy and effort into getting to know somebody, to just have it "poof, gone," if a romantic relationship isn't in the cards. Too much a waste of time. If I thought they were worth my time to begin with, odds are good that they're worth maintaining a friendship with. Unless, as I said, they did something bad to me.

[MetFanL]

In their case, I felt more like these guys wanted to keep around for all the good stuff that we had, but without the difficulty and compexity of a "romantic" realationship - to which I say - Sorry, but no! If I'm better off without you as my boyfriend, I'm probably better off without you as my friend too.
This has been my experience, too. I find that it's INCREDIBLY RARE for a guy to truly want to be a real friend to you after a break-up.

[Kitty]

I also think it makes future relationships a lot less complicated if you aren't friends with all your exes.

[wordsmith]

I find that it's INCREDIBLY RARE for a guy to truly want to be a real friend to you after a break-up.

Typically for me, it only happens if it's a guy with whom I was really truly friends BEFORE the relationship.

[wordsmith]

I also think it makes future relationships a lot less complicated if you aren't friends with all your exes.

All your exes, maybe. But some exes? Or one ex? If being friendly with an ex or two is a significant that's a problem with a current S.O. , that's not cool, to me.

[Kitty]

All your exes, maybe. But some exes? Or one ex? If being friendly with an ex or two is a significant that's a problem with a current S.O. , that's not cool, to me.

This is actually more my issue..I really don't like getting serious with someone that is friends with any or all exes. I kind of feel like that's not OK.

[MetFanL]

This is actually more my issue..I really don't like getting serious with someone that is friends with any or all exes. I kind of feel like that's not OK.
Yeah, in my experience, when their ex's are in the picture, it kinda feels like there are "too many cooks in the kitchen" if that makes any sense...

[wordsmith]

Close, involved friendships with numerous exes would make me uneasy. But being on friendly terms with a former GF isn't going to bug me, as long as it's reasonably apparent nobody's carrying a torch or being all proprietary and competitive and jealous.

[elise9]

This is actually more my issue..I really don't like getting serious with someone that is friends with any or all exes. I kind of feel like that's not OK.


And mine. I think it really can complicate things for a new relationship from either side if there are exes that are a significant part of the person's life. And, from what I've heard/seen from friends, it is always a problem for at least one of the three people in question.

[Kitty]

Close, involved friendships with numerous exes would make me uneasy. But being on friendly terms with a former GF isn't going to bug me, as long as it's reasonably apparent nobody's carrying a torch or being all proprietary and competitive and jealous.

I'd probably be Ok with it in the beginning...but the more serious I got with the person, the more it would start to bother me. I STRONGLY prefer to date someone who has cut all ties w/ past relationships. Maybe that's not fair or it's my own insecurity or whatever, but it is what it is.

[wordsmith]

I'd probably be Ok with it in the beginning...but the more serious I got with the person, the more it would start to bother me. I STRONGLY prefer to date someone who has cut all ties w/ past relationships. Maybe that's not fair or it's my own insecurity or whatever, but it is what it is.

I do get it, b/c i's easy to be insecure...but I had it happen this past spring where I was dating somebody, and out and about, we'd sometimes run into a guy I had previously gone out with, but where we mutually decided there was nothing there, and went on our ways, but remain friendly. He tended bar at a place my new guy and I would sometimes stop in, and I'd usually get/give a hug. This miffed new guy. Not cool, IMO. Both, because bartender guy and I had nothing between us other than dating for a little while, and also because it wasn't as if we were hanging out, getting together on our own socially, I just happened to see him when I was out on dates w/ the new guy. But we're friendly, live in the same small town, and do see one another around socially. Kind of just how it goes. It was highly annoying to have somebody pouty over it.

[Kitty]

I do get it, b/c i's easy to be insecure...but I had it happen this past spring where I was dating somebody, and out and about, we'd sometimes run into a guy I had previously gone out with, but where we mutually decided there was nothing there, and went on our ways, but remain friendly. He tended bar at a place my new guy and I would sometimes stop in, and I'd usually get/give a hug. This miffed new guy. Not cool, IMO. Both, because bartender guy and I had nothing between us other than dating for a little while, and also because it wasn't as if we were hanging out, getting together on our own socially, I just happened to see him when I was out on dates w/ the new guy. But we're friendly, live in the same small town, and do see one another around socially. Kind of just how it goes. It was highly annoying to have somebody pouty over it.

That wouldn't bug me if it was just chance encounters. It only bothers me if it's like phone calls to exes, hanging out with exes, etc.

[CTGirl]

That wouldn't bug me if it was just chance encounters. It only bothers me if it's like phone calls to exes, hanging out with exes, etc.

Agreed, an old bf of mine had all his exes still on his aim buddy list and in his phone, and said he liked to be friends with all his exes, I was definitely not cool with that, seemed shady to me - he and I are not friends now btw, lol

[spokes]

seems to me that it would be an odd dymanic if you were to hang out on a regular basis with a current s/o (i.e. someone that you were intimate with) and his/her ex (someone that they were intimate with). Not to mention that they could/would have thier own "inside" jokes/unspoken communication etc that you would not be part of.

i'll tip my hat to anyone who can make a friendship work with thier ex - but since i have bene the dumpee more than the dumper i have a lot of unresolved bitterness towards my ex's that is not going anyway anytime in the foreseeable future. although after some further reflection i should note that i feel ambivalence for a couple of ex's as well - so i don't see a point in being friendly.

[Krishna]

I'm not adverse to keeping an ex as a friend- hell, if I was, my current boyfriend would have been left in the dust after we broke up the first time. However, I'm always cautious about. Somewhere along the line I stumbled across a quote that was something like this:

If a guy and a girl remain friends after breaking up, either they never loved each other or they still do.

As such, I'm always careful about dating people who hang out with ex's all the time.

[CTGirl]

If a guy and a girl remain friends after breaking up, either they never loved each other or they still do.


ooooo, excellent quote! That totally sums up what I was thinking about this subject but was unable to put into words, gracias!

[Krishna]

Got home from work and found what I was looking for: "Why are old lovers able to become friends? Two reasons. Either they never really loved each other, or they still do."

You can bet that was weighing heavily on my mind when my boyfriend and I were separated for a while.

[wordsmith]

Thing is, though...even if you do love each other, that doesn't mean you can be, should be, or will be together. So sometimes friends is the available alternative.

[Krishna]

Yes and no. I think the quote was meant to imply that 2 people who were really truly in love either 1) wouldnt ever part, or 2) would have such an incredibly bitter breakup that staying friends was impossible. Not to say that exs cant stay friends, but I think that seems to imply that there was more of a solid base of friendship than of romance. Maybe it's just me and the relationships I've had, but my breakups have seldom led to me staying in contact w/ an ex...my current boyfriend being the only exception.

[and1grad]

I think the quote was meant to imply that 2 people who were really truly in love either 1) wouldnt ever part, or 2) would have such an incredibly bitter breakup that staying friends was impossible.
That seems like a limited scope to me. Was the writer really trying to figure it out or were they just supporting a pre-determined conclusion?

[Krishna]

That seems like a limited scope to me. Was the writer really trying to figure it out or were they just supporting a pre-determined conclusion?

A valid question, and you probably have a point. I was just throwin' that out there. ;)

[Deni81]

I am only "friends" with one of my ex-boyfriends. We dated in high school and got back in touch a few years ago. I think since it's been so long since we dated, we can be friends. But it's more of a touch base/email type of friendship.

My second ex and I were good friends for 4 years prior to our relationship. We always swore that if we broke up, we'd stay friends. Our break up was messier and we are no longer friends. It's a little sad, but its life.

Someone once told me that it's not about if you were friends before, but if they were a friend to you while you together that should determine if you stay friends after.

[Kitty]

Thing is, though...even if you do love each other, that doesn't mean you can be, should be, or will be together. So sometimes friends is the available alternative.

Friends that still love each other but can't be/shouldn't be together doesn't sound very healthy to me.

[MetFanL]

Friends that still love each other but can't be/shouldn't be together doesn't sound very healthy to me.
Ditto. It just sounds like torture. :(

[GoogleGirl]

My bf keeps in touch with his ex. They are friends, but it seems they took some time apart before they could actually be friends after the breakup. And as for me, I'm just starting to be able to be friends with my ex. It is possible, but not too common. Probably not a good idea either. My situation is weird I suppose. But I have no feelings of wanting to get back with my ex. My bf;s ex is married so that's not a threat either.

[blueyes]

wordsmith, I got your back on this one. I swear to you, if I'd found this thread earlier, I'd've been saying the very same things. I am friends with all but one of my exes, most recent ex included and still a friend. I guess it does bear mentioning that I was friends with every single one of them prior to dating them. I just see no point in ditching all that effort and energy I put into that person (to say nothing of what they've put in to me) to just say 'Oh, we're done? Later.'

However, my one ex and I hung out every couple of months and had dinner to catch up on things. I was the one who broke it off with him and we didn't speak for the better part of a year. After that point, we'd both healed enough to speak again and he's been a very solid rock ever since.