Can this work out?

[Nelzie]

Hi everyone. Here is my situation, I met a guy on Friday while out with a group of friends. He is the friend of a coworker, not just some random guy. Anyway, we flirted all night and ended up sleeping together. We spent the night together and I figured it would just turn out to be a fling. Well, he called me on Sunday, and we have talked a couple times since then. We both work night shift and he lives an hour away, so the only chance we can see each other is Sunday for lunch. What I am wondering is if a one night fling can turn into something. Is it possible he just feels he has to call me since we slept together? I know right now we are just in the earliest stage of a relationship, but can anything come out of this since we slept together so soon? Does he just call me because he wants to just have sex again? Or can he actually want to start a relationship? Are guys willing to start a relationship with girls who sleep with them when they first meet? Or did I blow my chance? This is the first time I've dated after my six year relationship ended a year ago, I don't really know what I am doing. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Xander]

Hey, welcome to the board!

Is it possible he just feels he has to call me since we slept together?
Doubtful for that motive alone. It has to be tied to something else, like:

Can anything come out of this since we slept together so soon?
It's possible.

Does he just call me because he wants to just have sex again?
Also likely.

Or can he actually want to start a relationship? Are guys willing to start a relationship with girls who sleep with them when they first meet? Or did I blow my chance?
Maybe, depends who, and maybe. It's difficult to give any advice on this issue since we don't know the guy. Some guys will pursue you to have a bootycall, some guys will do it because they actually want a relationship. My advice is to evaluate what you want out of this relationship (whether it's an actual relationship or just sex). Think about it without taking into consideration what this guy may or may not want. Then the next time you talk with him, ask him what he's looking for (don't tell him what you want, and make sure he isn't telling you what he thinks you want). When he shares what he wants, you can share what you want. If it's incompatible, you two can decide to continue it, but be sure both of you understand you have different expectations.

I'm not sure if that helps at all, but good luck!

[Brillo25]

The problem with building a relationship out of a one-night stand is, once you give a guy an orgasm right off the bat, he'll associate you with that feeling and it will then be impossible for a while to tell whether he is really into you as a person or if he just wants more orgasms. It's possible to build a relationship after hooking up on the first night, but it makes it much harder to tell exactly why a guy is into you. If you hold back on nookie for a long time and he puts up with it, he almost certainly likes you for the right reasons. In this case it's hard to tell. Like Xander said, you might want to ask him what he wants out of this.

[Nelzie]

Thanks for the welcome!

See, this is the problem, I can't tell if he is really into me or not. I ordinarilly have a hard enough time telling if someone likes me, and that's when I haven't even slept with them. He seems to really like me, whenever he calls he tells me to call him anytime, and whenever I get his voicemail, when he calls back he says he is sorry for not answering right away (even if he was sleeping or something). And it was his idea for our lunch date. I just don't want to get my hopes up. Should I hold off from having sex with him again until I know what he wants from the relationship? Or does that make me a 'tease'?

[Brillo25]

Definitely don't sleep with him on the lunch date (might not have time anyway of course), but if you're looking for a relationship I think it would be a good idea to have a talk with him before you sleep with him again, about what happened the first time you met and how you're worried that might affect things. If you ideally want something more than a fling, maybe tell him you'd like to see each other without sleeping together for a while, to see if there's something more there. It might make him think harder about why it is that he likes you, and the prospect of not getting any from you for a while might help him be honest with himself and you about what he wants. And you'll be honest, not a tease. If you stop sleeping with him without telling him why, then he'll consider you a tease.

See, the man isn't always just trying to use a girl for sex in this situation. That sexual experience right off the bat might make him think he legitimately feels things for you that he doesn't even consciously realize is just because of the sex. If he doesn't get any from a girl for a long time, then he has to decide if she's worth waiting for.

Again, we don't know this guy. If he's a good guy he'll take what you say to heart and, if that's what you want, be willing to not sleep with you again unless he's thinking this could be something more than a fling. Or if he's not a good guy he could just tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get some more. Unfortunately there's no good answer because neither you nor we know the guy, and no matter what you say or do, having sex on the first date does make things cloudy. All the niceness he's displaying so far could very well be just because he's getting laid. But, only time will tell. Good luck.

[Chameleon]

Is it possible he just feels he has to call me since we slept together? I know right now we are just in the earliest stage of a relationship, but can anything come out of this since we slept together so soon? Does he just call me because he wants to just have sex again? Or can he actually want to start a relationship? Are guys willing to start a relationship with girls who sleep with them when they first meet? Or did I blow my chance? This is the first time I've dated after my six year relationship ended a year ago, I don't really know what I am doing. Any advice would be appreciated.
Only time will tell. You have a say in what happens. Do you want to leap into a relationship on your first date after a six year relationship? Are you sure you'll be able to see things clearly after starting out sexually? Will you be able to keep your hands off him long enough to find out? :) Do you know if you are hanging a lot of hope on this because (a) it's been a long time since you been on a date or (b) it's been a long time since you've had sex or (c) you'd feel better about yourself if it wasn't a one night stand?

He might have called because he didn't want to make things awkward for your coworker and didn't want to seem like a bad guy, he might have called because he's genuinely interested in getting to know you better, he might have called because good chemistry and sex is hard to find. Listen carefully to what he says, are you on the same page about seeing each other (what do you want? Do you want to date? Keep things casual?), where is he on the rebound scale (where are you on the rebond scale?), is this something he does often (was this something completely out of character for you)? Know what you want and don't drive yourself crazy trying to make it something that it isn't and remember that even if you start something, you can back out when you find out it's not what you want. Don't settle for less than you really want.

[spokes]

i think that the hances of a reltionship starting from this "fling" are just as good as them starting in abscence of the "fling". I personally would not have a "fling" with someone I did not think that I liked on some level, and anytime I have been in that situation (i.e. the fling) I had hoped that it might develop into more, but thus far it has not.

I'd say go for lunch and see what happenes.

[dddork]

a girl who sleeps on the first night.. ends up being a booty call.. USUALLY!

[Nelzie]

Definitely don't sleep with him on the lunch date

Ha! I wasn't planning on sleeping with him on the lunch date, I think that will be pretty slutty. Gosh, I hope this isn't what he is planning on???


Do you want to leap into a relationship on your first date after a six year relationship? Are you sure you'll be able to see things clearly after starting out sexually? Will you be able to keep your hands off him long enough to find out?

Ha! As long as there is no heavy drinking involved, I should be able to control myself. Its when alcohol is involved that things get more difficult to resist.

No, I do not expect this to turn into the worlds greatest relationship, I am just not used to dating, and trying to figure out how the whole scene works.

Do you know if you are hanging a lot of hope on this because (a) it's been a long time since you been on a date or (b) it's been a long time since you've had sex or (c) you'd feel better about yourself if it wasn't a one night stand?

(d) All of the above? Yes, I am not the type of girl to have one night stands. In fact I have only had two, both pretty recently. I have had plenty of propositions, but I usually say no because I don't want to be that girl. That's why I realize I might actually like this guy.

He might have called because he didn't want to make things awkward for your coworker and didn't want to seem like a bad guy, he might have called because he's genuinely interested in getting to know you better, he might have called because good chemistry and sex is hard to find. Listen carefully to what he says, are you on the same page about seeing each other (what do you want? Do you want to date? Keep things casual?), where is he on the rebound scale (where are you on the rebond scale?), is this something he does often (was this something completely out of character for you)?

I don't think my guy coworker feels awkward, he wanted us to hook up in the first place. I know he doesn't want to seem like a bad guy, he truely seems like a nice guy. He felt bad for not giving me a ride home, but he was sound asleep so I had my coworker drive me and my friend home.

Yes, this was very out of character for me. The most I will usually do is make out with a guy that quickly. And that is only if drunk.

I think it would be nice to casually date, nothing serious. I know he was dumped by a fiance two years ago, otherwise I don't know of any other relationships for him. As for myself, I believe I am off the rebound scale. I realized this when I saw my ex a couple days ago for the first time in months and I didn't even try to stop and talk to him. I used to try and make him jealous because I know he wants me back and his life has not been so great since he left me, but now he is not even a blip on my radar.

I'd say go for lunch and see what happenes.

I guess that's all I can do! :)

[Nelzie]

a girl who sleeps on the first night.. ends up being a booty call.. USUALLY!

See, this is what I figured it would be, that's why I was so suprised he keeps calling me. If it is just a booty call, why would he keep calling me when he knows that due to our schedules we can rarely see each other?

[dddork]

See, this is what I figured it would be, that's why I was so suprised he keeps calling me. If it is just a booty call, why would he keep calling me when he knows that due to our schedules we can rarely see each other?

my personal opinion.. say no to lunch date.. say you are busy..

make him work.. see how many times does he call.. try to talk to him on the phone.. see if he really devotes time to you..

Makes sense??

I am talking from experience.. a girl did that to me.. I couldn't bare it.. i am like too much work. .i'd go get something else..

[CTGirl]

See, this is what I figured it would be, that's why I was so suprised he keeps calling me. If it is just a booty call, why would he keep calling me when he knows that due to our schedules we can rarely see each other?

It can turn into something more real, trust me, and the fact that he keeps calling you means that he definitely has some sort of interest in you. The fact that he wants to meet you for lunch indicates to me that he's not solely interested in sex (unlike the guys who you never meet with out in public, lol), so that's promising. I say relax, see how it goes.

[CTGirl]

my personal opinion.. say no to lunch date.. say you are busy..

make him work.. see how many times does he call.. try to talk to him on the phone.. see if he really devotes time to you..

Makes sense??

I am talking from experience.. a girl did that to me.. I couldn't bare it.. i am like too much work. .i'd go get something else..

I think this is terrible advice. Playing games is never a good idea - if you like the guy, you should go out with him again.

[WorkInProgress]

my personal opinion.. say no to lunch date.. say you are busy..

make him work.. see how many times does he call.. try to talk to him on the phone.. see if he really devotes time to you..

Makes sense??

I am talking from experience.. a girl did that to me.. I couldn't bare it.. i am like too much work. .i'd go get something else..
I think this is not a good idea. This kind of crap is where guys get the "girls are manipulative" idea from.

Plus, if you might actually be interested in pursuing a real realtionship with him, if he turns out to be compatible and amenable, this isn't a good idea.

[dddork]

From a guy's perspective..

Oh.. she slept with me on the first night.. has she done it before?? Possibly.. yeah. okay.. do i want to have a relationship with a girl who sleeps with person on the first night.. hmm.. may be.. i really like the girl.. but meh.. lets see.. lets ask her out for lunch.. oh she said yes.. EASY!..

there isn't any challlenge left.. you guys get my point..

even if you want to have a relationship with the guy.. you have to make him work.. we all value things that we get after working hard.. anything that comes to us easy, is not valued enough..

[CTGirl]

From a guy's perspective..

Oh.. she slept with me on the first night.. has she done it before?? Possibly.. yeah. okay.. do i want to have a relationship with a girl who sleeps with person on the first night.. hmm.. may be.. i really like the girl.. but meh.. lets see.. lets ask her out for lunch.. oh she said yes.. EASY!..

there isn't any challlenge left.. you guys get my point..

even if you want to have a relationship with the guy.. you have to make him work.. we all value things that we get after working hard.. anything that comes to us easy, is not valued enough..

That's the silliest thing I've ever heard :googly:

Why would you want a girl who plays games with you? And why would a girl want a guy who's only in it for the "challenge" ??? Those kind of guys are the ones who don't stick around because they get bored and go off in search of a new "challenge"

[Nelzie]

It can turn into something more real, trust me, and the fact that he keeps calling you means that he definitely has some sort of interest in you. The fact that he wants to meet you for lunch indicates to me that he's not solely interested in sex (unlike the guys who you never meet with out in public, lol), so that's promising. I say relax, see how it goes.

That's what I thought, its not like he said he just wanted to come over, he wants to go out in public, and he knows I have very little time (I work night shift and have to sleep sometime) so the chances or anything physical happening are slim.

[Chameleon]

Don't play stupid games, conduct yourself with dignity. The kind of guy that needs these games to stay interested isn't the kind of guy you want to stay with. It's going to be too much work keeping up the facade.

[dddork]

That's the silliest thing I've ever heard :googly:

Why would you want a girl who plays games with you? And why would a girl want a guy who's only in it for the "challenge" ??? Those kind of guys are the ones who don't stick around because they get bored and go off in search of a new "challenge"

Its not playing games.. I am not asking her to do it everytime.. Just for the first time and that too because of circumstances..

better be safe than be sorry.. but again.. i have been burnt way too many times.. so i tend to have a shield around me..

[Nelzie]

From a guy's perspective..

Oh.. she slept with me on the first night.. has she done it before?? Possibly.. yeah. okay.. do i want to have a relationship with a girl who sleeps with person on the first night.. hmm.. may be.. i really like the girl.. but meh.. lets see.. lets ask her out for lunch.. oh she said yes.. EASY!..

there isn't any challlenge left.. you guys get my point..

even if you want to have a relationship with the guy.. you have to make him work.. we all value things that we get after working hard.. anything that comes to us easy, is not valued enough..

Well, if he is in it just for a challenge, wouldn't the challenge have been gone after I slept with him that night?

[dddork]

if all them girls are saying same thing.. they are prolly right..

[CTGirl]

That's what I thought, its not like he said he just wanted to come over, he wants to go out in public, and he knows I have very little time (I work night shift and have to sleep sometime) so the chances or anything physical happening are slim.

Precisely. When you have a guy sending you text messages at 2am cuz he "really wants to see you" or asking to come over after he's been out drinking, that's when you know he's primarily interested in the physical stuff. When he invites you out to lunch, he's at least making an attempt to go for something more than just the physical.

Good luck and let us know how the lunch date goes!

[dddork]

Well, if he is in it just for a challenge, wouldn't the challenge have been gone after I slept with him that night?

I guess I have to agree with CTGirl..

yes let us know how your lunch date goes!

[Nelzie]

Its not playing games.. I am not asking her to do it everytime.. Just for the first time and that too because of circumstances..

better be safe than be sorry.. but again.. i have been burnt way too many times.. so i tend to have a shield around me..

I understand being burned, that's why I am trying to be cautious. However, with our hectic schedules we will only be able to see each other once a week at most, do I really want to waste one of those days trying to get him to chase me?

[Nelzie]

Precisely. When you have a guy sending you text messages at 2am cuz he "really wants to see you" or asking to come over after he's been out drinking, that's when you know he's primarily interested in the physical stuff. When he invites you out to lunch, he's at least making an attempt to go for something more than just the physical.

Good luck and let us know how the lunch date goes!

Ah yes, the classic "its 2am, the bar is closing and I'm drunk, and I really want to see you" call.

[CTGirl]

Ah yes, the classic "its 2am, the bar is closing and I'm drunk, and I really want to see you" call.

Yeah, lol, gotta love those :huge:

[dddork]

A man has his needs..

[Nelzie]

A man has his needs..

Hee... :huge:

[ScottyTheBody]

From a guy's perspective..

Oh.. she slept with me on the first night.. has she done it before?? Possibly.. yeah. okay.. do i want to have a relationship with a girl who sleeps with person on the first night.. hmm.. may be.. i really like the girl.. but meh.. lets see.. lets ask her out for lunch.. oh she said yes.. EASY!..

there isn't any challlenge left.. you guys get my point..

even if you want to have a relationship with the guy.. you have to make him work.. we all value things that we get after working hard.. anything that comes to us easy, is not valued enough..

BAD BAD BAD advice if you want a relationship. If you want sex...that's a different story.

Relationships aren't formed by games, if you have to trick him into something, NO GOOD. Don't play games or you'll get a guy that just loves to play games.

[Nelzie]

BAD BAD BAD advice if you want a relationship. If you want sex...that's a different story.

Relationships aren't formed by games, if you have to trick him into something, NO GOOD. Don't play games or you'll get a guy that just loves to play games.

I do not want a guy who plays games. I think game playing is a waste of time. You can never trust someone who plays games

[dddork]

I am kinda looking forward for your date now..

[Nelzie]

I am kinda looking forward for your date now..

Uh oh... It better turn out well then!

[dddork]

Uh oh... It better turn out well then!

it will!! I am sure!!!!

[Nelzie]

it will!! I am sure!!!!

I don't want you to be able to say "I told you so"... Hahaha

Gosh, knowing my luck, now he will probably cancel... :redface:

I am glad you think it will go well though, it is nice to hear that from a guy. I do appreciate having a guy's perspective

[teeny]

while i don't like game playing- i probably would be a bit coy after that. That's just how i naturally am though- to step back and see whats happening.

small anecdote- i met a guy in april on vacation across the country (through a good friend- not a random person)- and we clicked instantly. the last night of the vacation we didn't sleep together, but we kissed and were in the same bed and it just felt very intimate. I *thought* it must have been a vacation fling (i had just got out of a 3 year relationship in january and so i assumed it must have been rebound even though it felt like more)- but as i was still thinking about him a few days later -he contacted me on myspace. he told me he was booking a flight in june to come see me and our mutal friends (we live in nyc). for two and half months we messaged every day, but didnt talk on the phone. i was really nervous when he came, and we slept together like the second night he was here. i cried (yes, cried, but he was still asleep, doesn't know)- the next morning because i was scared i'd messed everything up. i had barely spent a week with him in person- i thought he wouldn't like me anymore. well, nothing changed on his end- he was still really sweet and amazing- but i was kind of guarded after that and unsure of how i felt since i still didn't know him well enough. after he left, i was confused, but we started talking on the phone for hours at a time a few days a week, and i really started to fall for him. he visited again a month ago and it was amazing, and i'm going out to see him in 2 weeks. i know the situation isn't ideal because of distance, but i like him sooo much and if something is there- sometimes you DO sleep together too fast. it happens.

[dddork]

i wonder how it went?

[Nelzie]

The date went well. However, we did end up sleeping together last night. I don't know where this relationship will go. I am fine with it being just sex or turning into something more. I am not used to casual relationships, so right now it feels a little akward to me, but I'm sure I will get over that. He seems like a sweet guy, he calls me a lot, he brought me chocolate, and we still went out on our date, which he easily could have cancelled after we spent the night together. But we did go out today, and we spent the day together talking. In fact, he just left, but only because I have to get ready for work.

[dddork]

The date went well. However, we did end up sleeping together last night. I don't know where this relationship will go. I am fine with it being just sex or turning into something more. I am not used to casual relationships, so right now it feels a little akward to me, but I'm sure I will get over that. He seems like a sweet guy, he calls me a lot, he brought me chocolate, and we still went out on our date, which he easily could have cancelled after we spent the night together. But we did go out today, and we spent the day together talking. In fact, he just left, but only because I have to get ready for work.


nice nice..

[Jedi of Zen]

Nelzie - my opinion is that in situations like this, there are often simply no hard and fast rules to follow. Despite the fact that things moved so quickly, you simply aren't going to know right away if everything's going to work out or not. In fact, even if things had not moved so quickly, you still wouldn't know for sure how things between the 2 of you are going to turn out. Regardless, you may already know...you just kinda know when you know, in my experience. Confused? So am I. Good luck! :rolleyes:

[hoodie]

He brought chocolate?? Marry him!
JK.

I think this one shows promise. As long as you don't have sex every time you hang out, that's probably not what he's in it for. At least not the only thing.

[Nelzie]

Nelzie - my opinion is that in situations like this, there are often simply no hard and fast rules to follow. Despite the fact that things moved so quickly, you simply aren't going to know right away if everything's going to work out or not. In fact, even if things had not moved so quickly, you still wouldn't know for sure how things between the 2 of you are going to turn out. Regardless, you may already know...you just kinda know when you know, in my experience. Confused? So am I. Good luck! :rolleyes:

You make a good point. Even if things hadn't gone so fast, there would be no way to know where this could end up.

He brought chocolate?? Marry him!

Hahaha! Na, I'll only marry a guy if he brings me flowers. ;)