QLC Women and Marriage (spin on Winter's thread) [Archive]

Krishna

10-02-2006, 02:11 PM

Winter and Wordsmith were thinking about a expanding Winter's original question to women as well, so here it is:

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

Krishna

10-02-2006, 02:16 PM

I guess I'll go first:
1. Yes, definately. Everyone who knows me knows that I want to be married.
2. Yes, 100%
3. Yep. Everytime someone I know gets married, I contemplate my potential bridesmaids, and contemplate where I'd want the wedding.
4. Stability, comfort, waking up next to the same person every day
5. Potential conflicts over money management
6. Yes. I will be getting married someday.

Sometimes after I go to a wedding I make a few notes about what worked well and what didnt, just so that I can someday avoid the same pitfalls. ;):

CityGal

10-02-2006, 02:20 PM

CityGal

10-02-2006, 02:21 PM

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

Krish, this is too funny. ha.

Krishna

10-02-2006, 02:24 PM

Krish, this is too funny. ha.

*grins* I try.

Illuminous

10-02-2006, 02:28 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
I do, but I would be OK with just living with someone forever. I say that now, though. It could change.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Getting married? Not really i 've seen the stress that weddings produce. Being married? yes.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? I haven't had my wedding planned forever, no. But I do know who my bridesmaids will be and what "type" of wedding I want. When i get in a long-term realtionship,then I start imagining my wedding with the guy at the time. So in my head, I've had several weddings. ha.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? Someone that I know will go to sleep next to me and wake up with me. Someone to talk to and plan with and having my best friend live with me.

5) What do you think will be the worst things? Someone that I know will go to sleep next to me and wake up with me. Someone to talk to and plan with and having my best friend live with me. :huge:
No, really, compromise is difficult.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? I want to say yes, and like i said on 1, I say now not getting married is OK, but I think in hte lnog run I will want to. It's saying that yes, I will be there for you, always. But I am very very afraid of divorce.

cheshrcarol

10-02-2006, 02:30 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
I would love to one day, just not right now. But who knows if that will ever happen.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I've thought about some things, especially when you have friends getting married you think "well, I'd do it this way".

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Having a partner for life, someone to grow old with, someone who always loves you and is always there to lean on, and who you can be there for too.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Losing some of myself - not being I, being "we"; not having to worry about anyone else but myself; no more secret single behavior; having to learn how to open up and really let someone in.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
No, I definitely want to get married. I try to be happy with my life no matter what curveballs I get thrown, but I know that if I spend the majority of my life alone, and never have the experience of falling in love and being proposed to and building a life together, I will be sad that my life was always missing something.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 02:31 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

Someone had to do it. I'm sure there will be a LOT more responses to this thread. ;):

1) I don't see getting married as a concrete thing anymore. I'd like to get married but there's no guarantee I actually will.

2) Ok, this will sounds a bit weird but I'm not totally looking forward to it. Why? I have many qualms with the idea of marriage which I'll get into on #5.

3) I try not to cause I don't want to fantasize about something that may
never come to be, but yes, I have an idea of my dress, songs I want played, that its NOT going to be in a church and I've like to write my own vows.

4) Life-long love, sex, companionship, friendship, parenthood, mutual goals and long-term planning

5) Loss of some independence and freedom, boredom, lack of variety, joint finances and lack of anticipation. I fear that marriage is the biggest life milestone and after that there is little to look forward to. 'Cept raising kids which I hear isn't so great.

6) I definitely want to get married at some point because I want a family because i want children and I do not want them outside of marriage. But I'm in no hurry to get to either. In fact, kids will probably be the very last thing I do.

As a side note, I worry that marriage isn't all its cracked up to be but hope that if I am granted that, I can make it work and keep it strong, thriving and happy.

CTGirl

10-02-2006, 02:33 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
I definitely want a serious, long-term relationship, but to me, actually getting married is not all that important, just a legal technicality.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
I am looking forward to having a life partner, but not necessarily looking forward to a wedding.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I think about this stuff when I go to weddings, or when people are talking about it, but for me, as long as I get to wear a pretty dress, and my immediate family gets to be there, I don't care much - I'll get married by Elvis in Vegas and be perfectly happy.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Having someone to always be there and share everything with
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
The fear that things will change over time and we won't always feel the same about one another
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
As I said before, I definitely want a serious relationship, but whether or not I actually get married is not that important.

Ciderhillnh

10-02-2006, 02:33 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day? Not really no.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? I like dating and I like having a BF but I dont think it will ever be more serious than that

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? I know what Id like for food and the cake (cupcakes one for each guest) as for bridesmaids, groom look....nada....never really thought about it as a kid either

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? I really dont think there are any

5) What do you think will be the worst things? Fighting, hoping they want to work through it and wont leave, money issues, career issues, feeling locked in, boredom

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? Im not searching for it, if it happens, great if not whatever.

I think Ill get bored, or they will get bored and leave......plus I dont want someone to want to leave and clean me out, I have too much at stake to lose, so I have to protect myself which literally means not comingling funds and they have to sign a pre-nup......it puts people off, but with divorce being SO easy, its not a risk Im willing to take.

WorkInProgress

10-02-2006, 02:38 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes. I cannot see myself in a long term relationship without marriage being the desired outcome.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes. But not right now. I'm not ready to be married.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Yes, generally when people around me are planning weddings, etc. I notice and remember things I like about weddings (and showers, etc.) I attend, and things I don't like. And I never actually thought about this until I was older, unlike the stereotype.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Having a partner for life.
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
The inevitable fights, the worry over finances, the frustration of being with someone who knows just how to get on your nerves.
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I definitely want it, but I have accepted that it may not happen and I will be ok if it does not.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 02:42 PM

I think Ill get bored, or they will get bored and leave......plus I dont want someone to want to leave and clean me out, I have too much at stake to lose, so I have to protect myself which literally means not comingling funds and they have to sign a pre-nup......it puts people off, but with divorce being SO easy, its not a risk Im willing to take.

I have to say one my biggest fears if getting bored or plain sick of my spouse. It's constant work to keep love alive, I know from experience and people do change over time.

As for the financial thing, I know a woman on my job who wants to divorce her husband (cause he's not helping with their son and doesn't treat her right) but because she's been the sole breadwinner for the past few years while he finishes grad school, she's afraid if she files, she might have to end up paying him palimony. I don't know how these things work, but divorce is some serious business.

CLS84

10-02-2006, 02:46 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes, more so lately because I know so, so many people who have recently
gotten engaged

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes, very much so.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Honestly, I have everything but the location and date picked out. Is that sad?

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Spending the rest of my life with the one person I can't live without, knowing that I'll be with him everyday learning new things about him and experiencing/sharing so many things with him.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
I don't see anything as being bad. Fights happen, but they make you grow closer (hopefully), people do annoying things, but you work through them. I just think everything will be a learning experience.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I def. want to get married. It's something I've always dreamed about. But if it doesn't happen, I won't think any less of what I've done in my life.

embrassezla

10-02-2006, 02:48 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes and no. I live with my SO. We bought a house already. Very little will change if/when we get married, other than being $15K poorer. We already have a life together & quite frankly I don't see much "value-added" by making it legal. I look forward to our future wedding as one looks forward to an expensive but super-fun vacation (which ours will be tantamount to anyway)

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I have ideas for what I'd like, but they are mainly prompted by what I know I DON'T want, after experiencing others gush/stress over engagement rings, bridesmaids, wedding cakes, favors, etc. My wedding will be extremely non-traditional, to say the least.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
The best points of marriage are all the same best points that I currently enjoy. The only one that will be marriage-specific will be the kick-ass vacation.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
$15K for the kick-ass vacation.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I have the SO & the relationship I want, so if marriage never happens, then it never happens. We already have everything we need & I feel no need to "prove" it to anyone by signing a piece of paper that makes me pay more taxes & gives me a 50% chance of getting a future divorce. If we get married, it will be for us, & not for any of the standard wedding hoopla.

*I don't mean to offend anyone with my opinions - they are simply that. I don't really care what anyone else does with their wedding plans. If you want to do the standard wedding hoopla, so be it, I'll still attend and have fun and offer good wishes. Our differences are what make life interesting.

winneythepooh7

10-02-2006, 02:53 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
October 6, 2007
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes and no. I know I am going to be an emotional wreck and a bag of nerves. I don't like being the center of attention like a bride is supposed to be.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Yes and the details are what are very overwhelming right now, so therefore, I'm not thinking about them..........
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
new family, possibly kid(s), shared income, someone always there
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
the inevitable fights and differences that will arise
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
both LOL

SmilesSoSweet

10-02-2006, 02:54 PM

Winter and Wordsmith were thinking about a expanding Winter's original question to women as well, so here it is:

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

1) Sure, but I've now accepted the fact that it's not a guarantee that I'll get married or even be in a long term relationship
2) Yes
3) The more weddings I attend, the more I think about it. I never was one of those little girls that knew exactly how my wedding is going to be like. I always spoke in the "when I get married . . ." sense.
4) Being able to spend my life with my best friend (I had to take that one from the guys! hehehe) and raising a family
5) I'm sure there will be the typical fights/agruements that you just have to get past.
6). Yes, marriage is something that I definitely want, but someone also has to want me to be married to them. And like I said in #1, I've learned to accept being single.

Deavan

10-02-2006, 02:57 PM

Winter and Wordsmith were thinking about a expanding Winter's original question to women as well, so here it is:

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?No it isn't something I have put a lot of thought into
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?I guess but again I haven't put much thought into it. If it never happens I won't be crushed
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?Nope
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?The companionship and the support and knowing that this man loves me enough to fully commit himself to me
5) What do you think will be the worst things?As people get older they change hopefully the changes will be managble. I also think raising kids will be very tough on the marriage
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?If it actually ever happens to me-FANTASTIC if not I will live

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?No it isn't something I have put a lot of thought into
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?I guess but again I haven't put much thought into it. If it never happens I won't be crushed
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?Nope
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?The companionship and the support and knowing that this man loves me enough to fully commit himself to me
5) What do you think will be the worst things?As people get older they change hopefully the changes will be managble. I also think raising kids will be very tough on the marriage
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?If it actually ever happens to me-FANTASTIC if not I will live

tina1979

10-02-2006, 03:17 PM

I will preface this by saying first.... I just got divorced....so I am going with the been there done that perspective

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day? I don't know

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? Its not something I really think about anymore, but I am not opposed to it

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? I definately think more about it now than I ever have...I think its because there are so many ppl on here getting married and I am getting caught up in the wedding dress web sites and such.. (not that I mind, I enjoy it)

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? being a family, having someone to lean on

5) What do you think will be the worst things? giving up certain freedoms that I have become accustom to, however if I pick the right person that shouldn't be a travesty

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? I definately would like to think it is in my future, but at this point I think I would be ok without it

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 04:01 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?Yes, probably. I've always been a fairly relationship-oriented person, and am interested in long-term commitment. I'm not anti-just living together, don't think it makes it less of a relationship or anything. But marriage makes sense to me, so I'd probably opt for that over a non-married LTR. Still, I know it's not a guarantee that I'll get married. I don't think there is necessarily somebody for everybody, nor do I think that things like timing are always on your side.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? Sure.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? Not in the sense of "Since I was a little girl, I've always envisioned blah blah blah," or anything like that. But the more weddings you go to, the more you see and think, "That's a cool idea," or "If it were my wedding, I definitely would do that differently," unless you're a person who knows you won't marry, it's unavoidable. But, no, I've never had colors and venue and stuff picked out. Not at all. It's just been a more cloudy, nebulous thing in my mind. Weddings should reflect the couple. Since I don't know the groom, it's hard to daydream about that.

I do know now that having gone through both my brothers' weddings in the past year with them, I have very different ideas than I may have initially had, in terms of elaborateness. There's a lot of expense, etc. that I just do NOT see the point of having gone to. A simple wedding is best for me.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? Having my own family bond. My family is the most important thing to me, and while I've been on the child end of that, I'd like to start my own family with our own traditions and history and shared things. I'd like to build something of my own. That family would hopefully involve children, I'd love to be a parent. But if not, my husband and I would be a family, too. I really want that. I want the partnership of having a spouse who is the closest person in the world to me and I him.

5) What do you think will be the worst things? Starting that new family...the growing pains that come from blending your background with somebody else's. Everybody brings their baggage with them from how they were raised, and even in non-married relationships, I think getting that stuff to jive is such a big challenge, sometimes. We all have diff. ideas about what we want family to be, and what we bring to the table. They need to be compatible, but even if they are, it's not always easy. I think learning how to disagree without things being a big fight is something I'd also have to work on, because my family is one where tempers flare, and skin is thin, and that's baggage I bring to the table.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? Definitely would prefer it. Understand that it may not be in the cards. I'd be sad if it weren't, but in a wistful sad way, not a go out and shoot myself sad way. Like meat, I refuse to live an unhappy life because of something I have no real control over.

springhaze

10-02-2006, 04:40 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

Yep, definitely.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

Yes- it's something I really want.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

For various reasons, I don't really care about having an actual wedding (would be happy to elope), but I've thought about some of those things in the past.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

Having a partner for life and creating a new family.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

Not being able to get a break from them easily when you're pissed off or annoyed at them, the pressures of raising children.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

It's a definite want. I've thought about this a lot and I'm pretty sure a part of me would be really sad if I never got married.

Chameleon

10-02-2006, 07:03 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Right now, I'm not so sure. I assumed I would be but now I know it's still many, many years away, if at all.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
I don't know. From my older brother's recent marriage, I can see it's great having a wife, but having a husband? I don't know, maybe it's clouded by him being my dorky older brother. Then there are all these divorces - these people were happy together once, right? Or at least thought they were. My parents are anti-divorce, anti-living together and would probably not support a union that wasn't in the Christian fold. So I don't know, totally changing my life to please my parents (maybe my life will miraculously swing in that direction anyway :rolleyes: ) or pissing off my parents in the name of love... That's what I have to look forward to.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I envision eloping. Seeing my sister-in-laws so stressed by their weddings and knowing how much I hate big productions, I'd rather not do anything big. My mother on the other hand...
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Companionship, a travel partner, someone to share a bazillion inside jokes with, someone to help with yardwork and who can stay home to wait for the repair guy.
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
The grating of nerves as small quirks get magnified, falling into a suffocating routine, weight gain, disappearing sex drive, annoying inlaws, repeatedly apologizing for your crazy relatives.
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
If I find someone who I enjoy being with as much as or more than I enjoy being alone, great, otherwise, yay for being single!

Orca

10-02-2006, 07:13 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

Not sure. Probably not. Not really mariage material and getting older.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

Still not sure. I think I would HATE all the big white dress and expensive day out palava. Most of the wedding is for your friends and family, not for the couple involved. I'd rather just sign the register and move on. I'd like to think I could find a partner who would commit to me for life, but I don't need a big ceremony to convince me of their promise.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

No, I'm not a very girly girl and I didn't know until i was a teenager that I was supposed to have been acting out my wedding with Barbie and Ken since birth. I hate Barbie! As in question 2 above, I think I would hate being the centre of attention. My sister would have to be my bridesmaid and she would look amazing while I would look like a blob. Horrendous.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

Having a partner for life. Having someone always on my side. Always having someone to talk to.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

Inlaws not liking me. My family not liking my husband (almost inevitable). Fear of divorce. My parents have the perfect marriage. My grandparents have been married for 59 years. No-one in my family has ever got divorced. I don't want to be the first. Pressure to have a child (I'm not sure I want children. I'd rather adopt than have my own biological kids. I definitely don't want to inflict my genes on anyone else).

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

As springhaze says above, a part of me will be really sad if I never get married. But I realise now it's an unlikely event and I won't pine away and die without it.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 07:17 PM

Then there are all these divorces - these people were happy together once, right?
That also bothers me a lot. 10 years ago, I knew of 4 self-proclaimed happily married couples. 10 years later, they are all divorced and hate each other. Two have moved on to new relationships and the other two say they wil never marry again.

The grating of nerves as small quirks get magnified, falling into a suffocating routine, weight gain, disappearing sex drive, annoying inlaws, repeatedly apologizing for your crazy relatives.

Looks like you have some of the same fears I have. I know that one thing I do like about dating is having my own place and own space. I like only seeing the guy a few times out of the week, and missing him in between. Every date feels like a big deal and much to anticipate and I worry that I'll grow bored quickly after day-in and day-out contact. I've also never lived with a guy before, so I have not idea how much I'd like it or not. Even when I was with my ex (of 8 years) after being at his place a couple of days, I couldn't wait to get back to mine, my own room, my own bed and my own time away from him.

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 07:41 PM

eastcoaster782

10-02-2006, 08:04 PM

I'm not sure if I'll want to get formally married, maybe instead just be in a long-term relationship. I have this strong feeling that there's something greater out there for me (career related) and I don't want marriage, kids, etc to get in the way of that. Not to throw this thread off-topic, but does anyone else feel like they have a "calling" in life? I work in politics and I just have this feeling that I should continue where women such as Victoria Woodhull and Alice Paul left off. This idea has been bouncing around in my head for awhile and right now I feel like I need to finish their work and sort of keep the torch burning.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 08:04 PM

I'm noticing that a lot of the "worst things" we're thinking about are things that would be characteristic of any longer term relationship (the getting sick of one another, feelings changing, etc.), and aren't specific to marriage. So I'm wondering if, for those of us that have some retiscence, the issue isn't so much marriage as it is long-term commitment as a whole.

For me, I don't think its the long-term commitment that bothers me. I've been there and would love to be there again. I think it is more the melding of two lives to become one that makes me uneasy. Going from my own place to half a place and having to share nearly everything straight down the line. I'm a bit of a loner (only-child syndrome again) and I can be content being by myself for days without wanting any kind of company and I worry about seeing my guy every single day. Losing that level of mystery when you don't see each other all the time and that I won't miss him or long for him as much when he's always there.

Now this I realize may sound really silly but then there is the anticipation factor that concerns me. Seems to me that in dating, people have a tendency to anticipate and look forward to what may come next. Becoming exclusive, saying the first 'I love yous', getting physical, getting serious, moving in together, meeting the family, taking trips, getting engaged etc. Getting married to me is like the mecca, the biggest miestone so after that, what is there left to really look forward to? Again, I know that sounds really immature (and I know I am) but it just feels like all the great milestones are behind you. Like right now I feel like I have all that to forward to but afterwards, its done.

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 08:08 PM

For me, I don't think its the long-term commitment that bothers me. I've been there and would love to be there again. I think it is more the melding of two lives to become one that makes me uneasy.

Some people, though, (probably a great many) do equate long term commitment with combining two lives.

Also, I think there are a couple of different schools of thought in regard to marriage and what it means in the grand scheme of life...from your posts, you sound like you're equating it with a finish line to cross, like an end goal, final milestone. I'm betting there are some who consider it a beginning, instead.

spiritedaway

10-02-2006, 08:48 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

Yes.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

Sure, why not? I guess I am more indifferent than anything right now. Maybe when I meet the right person, that prospect will appear more exciting?

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

No, not really. Sometimes I wonder how my 'groom' will look like, but beyond that, I don't really think about details of wedding. It's too soon to think that far ahead.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

I will have someone I love and someone who loves me.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

If the relationship doesn't work out.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

I want it someday but I don't see the point in forcing it either. I'd rather be single than be married just for a the sake of being "married". Knowing me, I would be miserable that way if I ever settle.

eastcoaster782

10-02-2006, 09:10 PM

Long-term relationship (LTR) vs marriage

Personally, I don't equate the two in ways other people might. I see a LTR as a friendship with someone that could last for an extended period of time, but if it doesn't then ok. Not like with marriage: "till death do us part" or divorce. I guess the way I see it is with a LTR, there aren't any papers to sign, no name changes, no worry about divorce, etc. It would be like living with your best friend.

biodork

10-02-2006, 09:36 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
I think I would like to, but at the moment I'm not planning anything.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes and no. I think I like the idea of getting married but the thought of putting it all together is kinda overwhelming.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Ha yeah I do. And people think I'm crazy. I want to have ddr, eye toy and guitar hero set up at the reception so people can game. Michelle thinks I should walk down the aisle to mario and when my bf, David, and I kiss the Super Mario Bros ending music when you beat a level should play. I was thinking the traditional final fantasy music. And THIS (http://www.flickr.com/photos/alttext/246142953/) is the COOLEST CAKE EVER. Oh and I can't forget the fact that I would be having an atheist wedding, so that should go over SO well with my family.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Pretty much what other people have put, companionship, best friend for life. I also like the thought that nobody knows me like David does. I feel he is one of the few people I can truly be myself with.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
I'm afraid that if we get married, things will change. I don't know how, but I feel like my bf and I have a great relationship now, I mean it's gone on for 4 1/2 yrs, so why do we need to get married? It's kinda like if it's not broken, don't fix it. I'm also a little scared of the commitment a marriage symbolizes, despite feeling like I wouldn't be happy without David.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I think that if it happens, great, if not, I'm fine with that too. I'm actually more for getting married to David than I was last year at this time, but we are both not quite ready yet.

And then things get even more complicated because if I get into a PhD program, that's going to be 5 more years of school. I doubt I will have the time or money to get married within that time period.

Krishna

10-02-2006, 09:56 PM

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 09:59 PM

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. I guess I'll turn that into question # 7 then... How do you feel regarding long-term committed relationships?

I still think there is a big difference between being in a long-term committed relationship and being married.

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 10:04 PM

I've been thinking about this a lot, and the only real differences I can come up with between a serious long-term commited relationship and a legal marriage are:

-A ceremony or procedure of some sort (even with a justice of the peace, still a procedure).

-A tax break.

-Greater likelihood of entwined finances (but you can entwine finances without being married, of course).

-The legalities therein, such as being able to act as your partner's legal next of kin.

I'm sure there are others, but those spring to the top of my head.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 10:13 PM

I've been thinking about this a lot, and the only real differences I can come up with between a serious long-term commited relationship and a legal marriage are:

And I'd add on to that the family aspect; in marriage my family becomes his and vice versa. That alone makes me very uncomfortable. Its harder to hide your family dysfunction after you're married.

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 10:17 PM

I've honestly found family quirks and flat out dysfunction to be very hard to hide even in relationships. In my experience, you ALWAYS know when there are issues.

But part of this also comes because I'm super family oriented, and if you're dating me, you get in with my family sooner rather than later, b/c they're such a big part of my life. So a guy would know coming in the lay of the land if a relationship got serious. By the same token, I'll be honest...if I'm dating a guy (more than casually, anyway, I don't expect or necessarily wanna meet the fam if I barely know him), and I don't get to know his family as well as possible, warning bells about why that might be are gonna be going off in my head.

PenforPrez

10-02-2006, 10:20 PM

Its harder to hide your family dysfunction after you're married.

That worries me too. My family is very rural, backwards, bigoted, etc. I worry greatly about how a potential mate would judge me by my family. :sad:

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 10:22 PM

Serious GF or BF is gonna know about any of those type skeletons, too, most likely...it's not like it's something only a spouse would know. And really, you probably SHOULDN'T be hiding bigtime family dysfunctionalities from a potential long-term partner, because it's something that will be affecting him or her, as well, right? It's not the sort of thing I'd wanna be confronted with for the first time (surprise!) after I was already married in, y'know/

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 10:23 PM

At the same token, I'd love to marry into a big, healthy, loving family, I'm just a bit insecure about a guy marrying into mine. Since I have been judged and rejected because of it, its a sore spot.

Winter Storm

10-02-2006, 10:26 PM

TinyDancer

10-02-2006, 10:53 PM

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes. . . eventually.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Only because of all the weddings I've been attending, weddings I'm in, etc. Just gets me thinking about what I like.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Having someone to share all of the best and worst moments of your life with. . . someone that loves you because you're you, cares about your happiness as much as their own. . . having a family.
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Having said all this, I've never had a long term relationship and am extremely independent. I think the hardest things will revolve around me having to share space with someone. . . and my life not being 100% my own. I'm not really a selfish person, but I've been single so long that this will still be an adjustment for me. Also, my career means a lot to me, and I make a lot of sacrifices and move around the country for it. It will be interesting to see what falling in love does to my priorities.
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I definitely want to do this someday. It's more than a ceremony or a piece of paper to me. It's a sacrament. I have so many awesome examples of how great marriage can be from my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc. I think about how different my parents are, and yet how well they work, how much fun they have together, and how they would do anything to make each other happy. It's an amazing thing that I wanna feel someday.

Krishna

10-02-2006, 10:58 PM

That worries me too. My family is very rural, backwards, bigoted, etc. I worry greatly about how a potential mate would judge me by my family. :sad:

Ditto with my dad's side of the family. Luckily my boyfriend is very understanding, even when I'm not. He has more tolerance for that than I do.

Also, I would just like to point out that my wish for a wedding/family of my own has become more intense since 1 friend got married last week, 1 got engaged, and a 3rd went ring shopping... :0

wordsmith

10-02-2006, 11:11 PM

At the same token, I'd love to marry into a big, healthy, loving family, I'm just a bit insecure about a guy marrying into mine. Since I have been judged and rejected because of it, its a sore spot.

This makes me think of my cousin and his wife, actually. His wife comes from a very cold, very unsupportive family, who actually disowned her when she got pregnant. She went to live with her fiance's parents till she had the baby, and then until she and my cousin were married (he's in the military, she and their son couldn't live with him until they were legal). Her inlaws basically adopted her, emotionally. They always said, "You may not have a family that's treated you well, but we're your family now. You're part of us."

Not everyone will judge you.

mishl982

10-02-2006, 11:34 PM

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Sometimes I can't really picture it. Not the fact that I won't get married, just picturing me as a married person. Same for me having kids. I'd like kids but I can't see it yet. I'll picture it when the time is right.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Like others have said, the marriage, yes. But the planning, no. Not if my family gets involved (they are already giving me a headache for my nonexistant wedding)

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I get ideas when I go to other weddings or hear others talk about it. But I haven't planned out anything. All I know is I want it to be as simple as possible (and stressfree but that's asking a lot, haha)

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Growing old together, having a family, sharing the rest of your life with someone

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Like any relationship I am willing to work through any hardships. The only thing I am afraid of is if there is something we can't work through.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I'd like to get married but I'm not all "I MUST get married!!!!! And by the time I'm 30!!!" I have friends who freak out that we're getting older and unmarried, but it doesn't concern me. If it happens it happens. It's meant for some people and it's not meant for some people. I try to stay open minded. It's also possible to be in a LTR without marriage.

asm198

10-03-2006, 12:12 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

I'd hope so, since I'm engaged.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

Eh. The marriage, yes. The wedding? It's turning into a pain.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

Sort of. I know we're getting married in a park and the music will be unconventional. I guess we decided a couple of weeks ago that the bridesmaids will be in purple. The guys will be in tuxes, but the details are his decision. I want a simple ceremony and a big party. No stupid hoopla. However, everyone apparently thinks I need to have the $200 veil that matches the dress and nutty things like that. I was dress shopping with the mom's a couple of weeks ago, and hyperventilated because of the nonsense and stress of the day. Well, that and because I ended up getting pretty sick, but still.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

The shiny ring.

Kidding. I like the fact that I'll have a teammate to share stuff with. I've noticed that I seem to gravitate towards the realistic couples on tv and not the ones who are totally lovey dovey and romantic all the time. I like the fact that I will have someone who knows me well, knows my family well, and we can a history and common goal.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

I'm not sure if there is a worst thing about getting married. I mean, we already fight and have no romantic notions about how marriage is supposed to be. We already take the good with the bad in regards to each other, so I don't know if there's anything that's the 'worst'.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

I am and have always solidly been in the 'something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too' category. I never wanted to get married. I didn't want a husband, 2.3 kids, dog, and white picket fence lifestyle. However, I met him and he was cool and we got along. Then we moved intogether and fell in love and all that. I don't want to get married, just for the sake of being married. I want to marry him. We work well together.

wordsmith

10-03-2006, 12:13 AM

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Like any relationship I am willing to work through any hardships. The only thing I am afraid of is if there is something we can't work through.

The more I think about it, the more I realize one thing I AM afraid of...being in a marriage where there are struggles and challenges (as there obviously will be, and being willing to do what it takes to work through it...and having the other person not be willing. It would be one thing if it were mutually acknowledged that it wasn't working, but I have fear that I would be willing to work/fix things, and my partner would be like, "Nope, sorry, I don't see it happening. Bye, now."

I def. have fear of being given up on.

springhaze

10-03-2006, 02:47 AM

The more I think about it, the more I realize one thing I AM afraid of...being in a marriage where there are struggles and challenges (as there obviously will be, and being willing to do what it takes to work through it...and having the other person not be willing. It would be one thing if it were mutually acknowledged that it wasn't working, but I have fear that I would be willing to work/fix things, and my partner would be like, "Nope, sorry, I don't see it happening. Bye, now."

I def. have fear of being given up on.

Me too, words :sad: But I guess that's where trust plays a huge role in a marriage. It's all a big leap of faith, really.

For me, the only difference between marriage and committed LTR's is the legality aspect (along with maybe a few people treating you differently because you're married as opposed to just being in a relationship.) I want to get married mostly for the legal protections and recognition that marriage brings, but otherwise it's the same committment (I'm not into the whole "till death do us part" thing, though, which might make me a little weird.)

zen_mistress

10-03-2006, 02:56 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes, I hope
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
I want a lovely dress, nice flowers, but an inexpensive affair otherwise.. perhaps travel after the wedding
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Having someone to be with, in general.
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Fighting, general strife....6)
Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
No!!!! It is not ok if it doesnt come along!!! I want it to come along!!!
And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :) N/A

Taza Tikha

10-03-2006, 09:22 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

Yes.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

Yes.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

Vaguely...it's more like seeing other people's ideas and thinking, yup I'd do that. Or, hey that's an awesome dress, let me keep that in mind. Oooh, that color would look great in the church!

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

Companionship, from the most adventurous of travels to the most basic Friday-night movie. ALWAYS having a date, lol.

Safety net, someone to look out for me, give my finances a boost, etc.

Raising a family.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

My decisions won't affect just me anymore. Can't buy a new car without making sure he's okay with it. Can't randomly accept a new job and move across the country.

Likewise, I might end up with debt I banished from my own life (his student loans, credit card bills).

Not being able to pursue the cute coworker.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

It's a definite. I honestly don't think I'd be okay with never getting married.

7) View of long term commitment versus marriage?

I am probably suspicious of people who refuse to get married yet swear they are committed for the long term. I do understand there are certain reasons not to marry, though, like if it affects financial entitlements or the government bans your particular union.

There is a spiritual dimension to marriage that I'd really like to have. And I want kids. To me, deliberately doing that out of wedlock is not an option. But, whatever floats your boat.

WorkInProgress

10-03-2006, 10:26 AM

-The legalities therein, such as being able to act as your partner's legal next of kin.

The legalities, to me, are a very big deal. It matters to me to be my (hypothetical) husband's NOK. It (would) matter to me that he may or may not even be able to visit me in the hospital, without being married (people sometimes say this isn't the case, but in at least once instance of a relative of mine, they had to lie to the doctors to let him go visit her, since the two were not married, even though they've lived together longer than she was ever married to her ex-husband).

It would matter very much to me that he would be condfident enough that I am the right woman for him to tell everyone he knows (and ever knew) that I'm the only woman he wants to be with (even if we just elope and send announcements after the fact, rather than have a wedding ceremony).

I want the security of knowing that he can't just walk away with impunity. (So, yeah, I've got trust issues...maybe I've seen too many movies, read too many books, or known too many people to trust in this, but I don't believe that the relationship is permanent until the people involved actually make it so. *I do realize that others may have differing but equally valid opinions on this. And I also realize that there are a lot of examples of less than stellar marriages, with some examples of very, very stellar LTRs with no marriage.*)

Maybe this makes me demanding, or difficult, or needy, but I have actually seriously thought about this, and I cannot see that it will change.

pisces2473

10-03-2006, 11:20 PM

However, everyone apparently thinks I need to have the $200 veil that matches the dress and nutty things like that. I was dress shopping with the mom's a couple of weeks ago, and hyperventilated because of the nonsense and stress of the day.
Do we have the same mother? I just expressed my opinions about a $200 veil this morning in an email to my mom.

pisces2473

10-03-2006, 11:26 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
How's September 29, 2007 sound?

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Of being married--yes. Although C and I have been through a lot and already feel like we're married. I think it's great to be able to say "this is my husband" and be taken seriously.

Of planning a wedding--no. Like asm, everyone who's older than 30 thinks I want their advice. I'm trying to keep costs down, and my parents, who told me not to go crazy with spending, are now telling me I'm being cheap. Well, WTF do you want???? I don't want a $200 veil (asm, I'm serious, this happened at David's Bridal on Saturday), I can think of much better things to spend $200 on...like things I'll use every day.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Well, parts of it. I know who will be in my bridal party, where the wedding will be, who the groom is. I don't know what he'll wear or the music yet.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Back massages!!! Only partially kidding. Being together, being a team, getting to hang out with my best friend everyday. Having our own family--whether it be just me and him, us and kids, us and our extended families and friends.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Not having the ability to pick up and go (not that I do a lot of that now). I don't like when we don't get along, so I'd be afraid of us fighting and not being able to work through it.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
Ha, I'd better want it. I've got less than 365 days to go!

wordsmith

10-03-2006, 11:52 PM

Kitty

10-04-2006, 12:02 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Hmm...not especially (the ceremony/actually wedding)

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Never.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Sharing my life with someone and developing that close, intimate, connection with them. Just being in love I guess. None of those things are really specific to marriage, though and I think I could have them w/out marriage.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
working through the difficult times, the changes, etc. Again, not really specific to marriage...

6) or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

That's definitely how I view marriage.

asm198

10-04-2006, 01:52 AM

Of planning a wedding--no. Like asm, everyone who's older than 30 thinks I want their advice. I'm trying to keep costs down, and my parents, who told me not to go crazy with spending, are now telling me I'm being cheap. Well, WTF do you want???? I don't want a $200 veil (asm, I'm serious, this happened at David's Bridal on Saturday), I can think of much better things to spend $200 on...like things I'll use every day.

Pisces, that's really crazy because my veil drama happened on the 23rd at a David's Bridal!

And I completely understand what you are going through, because I'm going through the same thing. Everyone thought we were insane for planning a wedding that costs as much as this is apparently going to, yet the mom's were all giddy about veils and tiaras. One, I'm not wearing a tiara. I look like a goon in one, so no thanks. Two, I already bought the only type of veil I will wear, if I decide to wear one. It's simple, no beading or crap like that, two tier, elbow length. I got it on sale at JoAnn's fabrics for $10.

asm198

10-04-2006, 01:57 AM

$200 veils crack me up...it's wedding insanity.

Hi, even a mediocre seamstress could make one for under $20 worth of tulle, trim, some combs and such from a fabric store.

Seriously. It's freaking NETTING. That kind of markup is bizarre and unjustifiable.

But people will buy it because it's BRIDAL! You're one happy day, blah, blah, blah. It's insane that people won't bat an eye at spending $200 for the veil, $2-300 for the tiara, $50 for a ring bearer pillow, $20-30 for a garter, etc. It's easy to spend $4-5,000 on the 'essential' crap like that. And that's not even counting the dress.

LaFille

10-04-2006, 02:08 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?

i hope so, but at the rate things are going... :rolleyes:

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?

definitely. i want a best friend and lover for life. and lots of babies.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?

oddly, no. i don't really care that much about those details. i just want it to be fun and for there to be enough booze.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?

like i said above... best friend and lover for life. and having kids.. that must be amazing !

5) What do you think will be the worst things?

if the above stated 'best things' start to fizzle out or disappear. also, you can't just do whatever the hell you want all the time because there's always someone else to consider.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

i definitely want to get married. if i found out at this point in my life that marriage was not in my future at all, i would be very depressed. i might 'grow out of' thinking that way, but for now, it's very, very important to me.

wordsmith

10-04-2006, 02:21 AM

Two, I already bought the only type of veil I will wear, if I decide to wear one. It's simple, no beading or crap like that, two tier, elbow length. I got it on sale at JoAnn's fabrics for $10.

YES!!!

Anything you would ever need for a wedding can be gotten at JoAnn Fabrics, and fairly inexpensively.

asm198

10-04-2006, 02:30 AM

Exactly, Words. I'm fairly crafty and made my ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket. They are exactly what I wanted and it was so much cheaper than buying them. I basically copied some expensive ones I saw and tweaked the design.

I think I spent about $20 total for both and that's including the wooden basket.

pisces2473

10-04-2006, 08:50 AM

I'm not having a RB or FG, so there's some savings! My aunt made a comment about what if someone wants to buy me the veil (I'm wondering if she does) and I was like, "No I'd rather have the cash." She said, "It doesn't work that way." Then I said, "Well, the person who was going to be buying the veil can buy themselves some groceries and some gas."

I think my mom and my aunt are getting SUPER carried away, and they are trying to drag me with them. I know what I want, dammit. They already had their weddings--and my aunt was in her late 40s when she got married, so it's not like she had the butting-in mom!

brightestblack

10-04-2006, 10:12 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day? Sometimes... other times it's nto b/c I don't want to, but b/c it seems so unlikely.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? When I do see myself getting married in the future, yes.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? Some details, like it would be small, and in autumn, and what my dress what look like.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? Having someone by my side, that I can trust and look at in the highest perspective and regard as the most important person in my life... thinking about all the things that make that person unique, big or small... raising a family together... someone that I can feel completely comfortable with. And all these things, while it makes marriage something to look forward too, also make it seem that much more far off.
5) What do you think will be the worst things? Compromising... but that could be regarded as a good thing too.
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? I definitely want it someday in the sense that it's with the right person... I don't want to get married just to not be alone. I'd survive without it... but I don't think I'd be as happy.

asm198

10-04-2006, 11:20 AM

wordsmith

10-04-2006, 12:08 PM

I doubt I would involve children unless they were blood relatives (and appropriate for the task/able to manage). I was a flower girl a few times as a kid, but only for aunts and uncles. My twin brothers were pretty in demand as ring bearers at family weddings, because, face it, twins are cute.

pisces2473

10-04-2006, 04:31 PM

wordsmith

10-04-2006, 04:33 PM

They each got their own! One ring on each!

pisces2473

10-04-2006, 04:39 PM

hehehehehe Very smart!

SmilesSoSweet

10-04-2006, 05:15 PM

Did they ever fight over the pillow?

My brother's wedding had three boys - the ring bearer, the coin bearer and the bible bearer.

This is more on the lines of the traditional Catholic Filipino wedding.

ebruening

10-04-2006, 11:02 PM

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day? I'd like to be, at some point. However, it's not something I'm counting on.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? There are positives and negatives. I spent many, many years completely opposed to the idea of marriage. Now, I look on it as a mostly positive thing.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?I haven't thought about it too much. I know I don't have any strong urge for an engagement ring. I'd also rather money be saved on the ceremony and reception, and be put toward a longer-lasting purchase, like a house, instead. I do want a completely secular ceremony. I don't know if I would be able to accept it, if my hypothetical fiancee wanted to marry in a church, or otherwise religious ceremony.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? Waking up next to the same man every morning, for (what I assume would be) the rest of my life.

5) What do you think will be the worst things? The debate over children. I really don't know if I want to be a mother. From my experience, lots of men find that horribly unattractive. I see it as a very real "deal breaker" with most future dating partners.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? As much as I want it some days, I do realize that it isn't a "given" for me. I'd really like it, yes, but I'm also accepting of the fact that it may never happen for me. I also don't think of divorce as an option, except in very extreme circumstances.

EmberMae

10-06-2006, 12:26 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
I'm getting married in a year. But I've always thought I would get married.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Being married, yes. Actually we live together and pool all our finances now so it probably won't feel that different. The wedding thing stresses me out though.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Mostly I would just fantasize about the ceremony, the music, being in a really beautiful park, vows. The reception, not really.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Companionship, having someone to support you and confide in
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Being called Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast (the thought makes me want to vomit and/ or punch something). Actually being called by his name at all. I'm keeping mine.
Having his parents as in laws. Luckily they live 6 hours away.
That time will change us in a way that makes us grow apart
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I definately want it because I greatly desire that level of intimacy with a person. I don't think getting legally married is necessary to have it but it's good to have the legal protection.

MollyMe

10-06-2006, 03:53 AM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes. Not engaged but we are seriously talking about it and he is in the process of buying the ring.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Marriage, yes. The wedding, no. The wedding night, yes.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Not at all. I am really dreading having to plan that stuff. They cost a lot of money. I know you can cut a lot of costs but it still adds up. I don't want to deal with the tension that will likely arise between my mom and me.
I do dream about houses. I love looking at houses and designing them.
For a wedding, I just want something classy and people to have fun.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Being with the one I love and having a fun time.

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
I don't really know. Perhaps, not having that love in the future.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
I don't have to get married but I think I would get lonely and feel like I was missing out on some life experiences.

LaFille

10-06-2006, 01:13 PM

5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Being called Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast (the thought makes me want to vomit and/ or punch something). Actually being called by his name at all. I'm keeping mine.

i waited on a table of drunk ladies the other night and they were like 'when you get married don't change your name! it's the biggest mistake we ever made!'

i had honestly never thought about it before. i told them that it didn't matter to me and that 'what's in a name? a rose by any other name would smell as sweet...' but they were pretty adamant...

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 01:16 PM

I HOPE I am NEVER called "Mrs. C... S..." Being called "Mrs. Jen S..." is fine, though.

Last weekend, my MOH called my mom "Mrs. (my last name)" and my mom said, "That's my mother in law. Call me Judy." LOL It's even funnier because my MOH has been my friend since we were 4.

SmilesSoSweet

10-06-2006, 01:18 PM

i waited on a table of drunk ladies the other night and they were like 'when you get married don't change your name! it's the biggest mistake we ever made!'

i had honestly never thought about it before. i told them that it didn't matter to me and that 'what's in a name? a rose by any other name would smell as sweet...' but they were pretty adamant...

I go back and forth about whether or not I'd change my name after I get married. I know my sister in law did and it made my brother happy. I think it just all depends. My last name right now is not common and it's towards the beginning of the alphabet. If I end up with too common of a last name I may just keep my maiden name. But who knows. My SIL went from a common last name to our not so common, anyone with this last name is related to us last name.

Winter Storm

10-06-2006, 01:31 PM

I've already decided I will probably take on my hubby's name but keep my maiden name and use it as a middle name. So my family name will always be apart of my name. And not hyphenated either.

SmilesSoSweet

10-06-2006, 01:33 PM

I've already decided I will probably take on my hubby's name but keep my maiden name and use it as a middle name. So my family name will always be apart of my name. And not hyphenated either.

That's what I would do if I decided to change my name. And my middle name right now is my mom's maiden name. But I don't want to lose that either, since it's my mom's maiden name. Can I get away with four names: MyFirst, MyMiddleName, MyMaidenName, and MyHubby'sLastName?

Here I go thinking about this again when I don't even have any prospects! LOL :rolleyes:

wordsmith

10-06-2006, 01:34 PM

The longer I have my last name, the more inclined I am to keep it.

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 01:35 PM

I've already decided I will probably take on my hubby's name but keep my maiden name and use it as a middle name. So my family name will always be apart of my name. And not hyphenated either.
I think that's what I'm doing. I will miss my middle name, Elizabeth, but I really want to name a daughter that, which is also C's grandmother's name--and we LOVE his grandmother!

And of course C thinks Elizabeth (last name) is too long. But hello, both he and I have long first names!

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 01:36 PM

I've already decided I will probably take on my hubby's name but keep my maiden name and use it as a middle name. So my family name will always be apart of my name. And not hyphenated either.

It's what my mom did. She never liked her old middle name, so she just replaced it when she got married. I intend keep mine, and just have 4 names.

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 01:36 PM

Can I get away with four names: MyFirst, MyMiddleName, MyMaidenName, and MyHubby'sLastName?
Hahah, I've thought about that, you know.

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 01:37 PM

It's what my mom did. She never liked her old middle name, so she just replaced it when she got married. I intend keep mine, and just have 4 names.
My mom dropped her maiden entirely, and then she had the exact same initials as my dad...and guess what they did when they had kids? :googly:

SmilesSoSweet

10-06-2006, 01:37 PM

Hahah, I've thought about that, you know.

It's only because my middle name IS my mom's maiden name and I don't want to lose that either.

When my mom became a citizen she changed her middle name from her maiden name to her mom's maiden name. Her mom (my grandma) passed away when my mom was a teenager, so I can see why my mom wanted to keep her mom's maiden name as a part of her name.

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 01:39 PM

My mom dropped her maiden entirely, and then she had the exact same initials as my dad...and guess what they did when they had kids? :googly:

Yep, my brother and I have the same initials too. (It saved on school supplies!) And the whole fam has the same first and last initials. I kinda like it, although I'm not inclined to do that for my family.

Winter Storm

10-06-2006, 01:39 PM

I intend keep mine, and just have 4 names.

That's the plan. 4 legal names, but informally, I'll be Mrs. (first name) (married last name)

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 01:42 PM

That's the plan. 4 legal names, but informally, I'll be Mrs. (first name) (married last name)
Precisely. It's a win-win situation, for me. (Not anywhere near needing to consider this, but oh well.)

MollyMe

10-06-2006, 02:05 PM

I was thinking of doing a mix of both names...inventing something new. Wilson + Smith = Wilith.

I'd rather have two middle names than drop my middle name. I really like my last name, but I don't want have a different last name than my husband.

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 02:08 PM

I was thinking of doing a mix of both names...inventing something new. Wilson + Smith = Wilith.

Some friends of mine were (sort of) considering doing this, and their favorite mix was Gecko. Neither of their parents' were all that amused. ;)

MollyMe

10-06-2006, 02:28 PM

Our names would make a really weird combination.
I googled it and people actually do that.

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 02:32 PM

Our names would make a really weird combination.
I googled it and people actually do that.
Yeah, some people do. I wouldn't, but different strokes for different folks.

I think it could be a really fun bridal shower game, depending on those attending.

asm198

10-06-2006, 02:33 PM

I can't decide what to do about the name situation. I'd like to just keep my name as it is and just be known by his last name socially, but I have a feeling that people will just call him Mr. Mylastname and I'm not sure how he feels about that. I do know that I'm not dropping my last name, no matter what. I've thought about hypenating, but that would make my last name 15 letters, not including the hypen. And I've thought about just adding his last name to mine, but how often do you use your middle name?

wordsmith

10-06-2006, 02:37 PM

My friend got married and her husband took her last name. He shared the same first and last name with his estranged father, who lives in the same town as them, and is a ne'er-do-well with a bad rep and credit to match, so they took the opp to distance themselves from him in name because there were embarrassing occurrences where my friend's husband was mistaken for "the other Rick [last name]".

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 02:40 PM

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 02:42 PM

My friend who's getting married in less than a month (I can't wait!) is intending to keep her last name, because she'll be the last person in her family with it.

wordsmith

10-06-2006, 02:54 PM

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 03:00 PM

I've thought of this, too. It's not an uncommon last name (at all), but my sibs and I are the last in our family line to carry it (my dad was an only son, HIS dad was an only son, and HIS dad was an only son). So if my brothers don't have kids, that's where the buck stops for the name in our family line.

Mine's an uncommon name, and my brother is the only son of an only son, so from my gradparents' whole stem, it's on him. There are, however, lots of second cousins with the last name.

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 03:08 PM

Our names would make a really weird combination.
I googled it and people actually do that.
Actually, if we did ours...it would almost sound like my current last name, just different letters.

pisces2473

10-06-2006, 03:10 PM

My cousin, who's 17, is the only son of an only son...whose father (my grandfather) had a brother, but he had all girls. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders, haha.

WorkInProgress

10-06-2006, 03:13 PM

My cousin, who's 17, is the only son of an only son...whose father (my grandfather) had a brother, but he had all girls. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders, haha.
I wonder if guys nowadays even think about this stuff.

EmberMae

10-06-2006, 03:27 PM

I have a brother, and male cousins. And my name's not that uncommon. So, that's not the reason. I just don't feel like changing my name. And I don't think he is any more important than me just because he's male. Everyone is like....but don't you want to show you're married? And I ask...why aren't you asking Daniel this question? Oh yes, because for women it is so vitally important that everyone knows their marital status. Whatever. Yay sexist double standards. Haven't decided on kids names yet. Hyphen would be most equitable but cumbersome. We might just switch off. All I know is we're not just going with his name.

wordsmith

10-06-2006, 03:52 PM

I wonder if guys nowadays even think about this stuff.

My brothers do, because genealogy's big in our family, traced on our paternal (name) line all the way back to Puritan colonists and middle England before that. There were [wordsmith's last name]s that I'm directly descended from running around the Salisbury Plain in the 1500s. Like I said, not an uncommon English name, but our line has been traced back more than 400 years.

SmilesSoSweet

10-06-2006, 04:02 PM

My cousin, who's 17, is the only son of an only son...whose father (my grandfather) had a brother, but he had all girls. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders, haha.

My brother is somewhat in the same boat. I swear we're like a royal family.

My brother is the only son born to my father who is the eldest son of his dad and my grandpa is the eldest son out of his siblings.

So even though there is already one boy in the next generation to pass on the name (from one of my cousins), for my brother to have a son is like he's continuning the royalty of the name. I know it's stupid, but that's how my family is.

hoodie

10-08-2006, 02:15 PM

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Yes I do. I am with a guy that I love very much, and it's not a far stretch to see us tying the knot someday. Not yet though.
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
Yes, I would love to be married, but I'm a little freaked out by divorce as I've seen a lot of people go through it in my family. I hope never to have to do that.
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
Sometimes... I think I'd like to have bridesmaids wear black, I want my dress to be kind of simple and non-frilly. As far as other wedding thoughts it's mostly things I DON'T want. No offense to anyone who likes these things, but I hate the idea of a wedding party dance (having been a bridesmaid recently I was really happy not to have to do one), I don't like any of those things where the people hold hands around the bride who's in the middle, and I HATE HATE HATE when people bang on the glasses to get you to kiss.
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
Being with my man and my best friend every day, and waking up next to him every morning. Other than that, I see it being pretty similar to how it is now, and how the relationship is now, after 14 months, is very sweet and a lot of fun. Also, this may sound weird, but once I get the balls to say those vows "Til Death Do Us Part", I intend to mean it, and that will take a lot of courage and reflection for me to get there. If I can say that and mean it, that means I've come a long, long way as a person myself too.
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
Fighting. I think fighting in a marriage is scary because you have to get past it, you have to compromise, and you have to make it work to fulfill your vows. I'm pretty stubborn and I hope to god I can do it in a way that doesn't hurt him too much and doesn't let him hurt me too much, as fights are inevitable. I think I'll also miss living in my own place and being able to do things my way (like having cereal for dinner, throwing laundry on the floor, and sleeping in the "starfish" position sometimes).
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?
sort of both. If I stay with my boyfriend Jim, I know I'll want to marry him. If we should fall apart, it will revert to being my "Plan A", where if it happens, fine, if not, there's Plan B. (Plan B is, if I am unmarried at 40, I am quitting teaching, going to chef school and starting a restaurant with my brother, intending to act as excecutive chef....thusly marrying my job).

Cole

10-08-2006, 08:38 PM

Alright, I'll go:

1) Do you see yourself getting married one day? Yes. Definitely.

2) Are you looking forward to the prospect? Yes... I used to think I wanted to wait until I'm 30. But over the last few months I've started feeling like I'd like it to happen in the next year or two.

3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)? Oh you're going to think I'm crazy. I already have a dress - albeit it's my grandmother's, and I'll be the third generation to wear it. But yeah, every wedding I go to (7 next summer!) I'm thinking about what dresses I want, what bands I want, where I want to do it, etc.

4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage? Having a partner, raising kids. Stability, and living like a grown-up. Being able to make plans for years down the road, rather than hoping we're still together in a couple of months for the trip we've planned.

5) What do you think will be the worst things? dealing with money, and having to always make decisions as a team. Basically not having so much freedom to quit a job just because you don't like it or not being able to move to Australia on a whim. And the possibility that I might be the primary breadwinner. ew.

6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too? I can't imagine not getting married. But then, I can't imagine not having kids either, and I can't imagine having either one of those without the other.

veniqe

10-15-2006, 05:22 PM

For the women on this board:
1) Do you see yourself getting married one day?
2) Are you looking forward to the prospect?
3) Do you ever envision your wedding day and the details of it (your bridesmaids, where it will be, how your groom will look, music, etc)?
4) What do you think will be the best points of marriage?
5) What do you think will be the worst things?
6) Do you view marriage as something you definitely want someday or something that if it comes along cool, but if not, that's okay too?

And for the women that know they definitely don't want to get married, could you explain why? And be honest. :)

1. Maybe. Hopefully yes but it'll have to be a weekend marriage.
2. Sort of, not really. Sometimes, yes.
3. Hell no
4. Companionship and the SEX!
5. If the guy's too needy, which is mostly the scenario
6. If it happens, it's cool