Is an open relationship the answer?

[Jman06]

I started datign this confused girl and things went extremely well and she said she likes me. But after like 3 weeks in she told me she didnt want to lead me on because there was this other guy she has been trying to get with and wants but he has a gf and wont break up with her for her. She also has problems with comparing guys to her ex and "anything different is hard for her". She said she doesnt know what she wants and what to do.

So pretty much she likes me and this other guy but I guess this other guys that is taken more. There seems to be some baggage there that I dont like. She called me about a week after we had this talk and wants to call me or have me call her again soon.

I was thinking of just offering an open relationship until she can find out what she wants so no one gets hurt. We have only been out twice. I cant date someone with that type of baggage and I dont want to talk to a girl if we arent going to date. Maybe this will help her figure out what/who she wants. So is an open relationship sound like a good idea?

[dddork]

LEAVE HER.. don't be a BACK UP.. Never be a backup.. EVER! EVER!

[winneythepooh7]

I cant date someone with that type of baggage and I dont want to talk to a girl if we arent going to date. Maybe this will help her figure out what/who she wants. So is an open relationship sound like a good idea?

OK, you said what you don't want. So if you don't want a female with baggage (which everyone has by the way), and if you don't want someone that is solely going to date you only (if I read that wrong, sorry), then it doesn't sound like you are going to be comfortable with an open-relationship. My definition of "open relationship" is basically F*ing other guys besides you.

[Winter Storm]

Nope, sounds like a horrible idea. First you said you don't want to date a girl with this kind of baggage, so why make this exception for one, who clearly is holding out for another?

I could not continue dating a guy knowing they really have eyes for someone else and as soon as that person becomes available, I'd be kicked to the dirt.

Bad news. I'd throw this one back.

[CTGirl]

How on earth does this seem like a good idea to you???

First off, you're putting your health at risk when you're sleeping with someone who's sleeping with someone else.

Secondly, this girl sounds like an absolute disaster area, so unless the sex is totally out of this world, I'd run, fast, now.

[ScottyTheBody]

I say forget her buddy, and move on to someone else.

Even though she said she still wants you around, your really just a backup plan. She made it clear that she was more interested in someone else. If you do end up dating her exclusively, eventually, and this other dude shows interest, you'll be pushed aside.

However, having said that, personally I don't think I could do an open relationship, I'd probably develop a lot of jealousy and anger.

[WorkInProgress]

I agree with the others: this one's bad news.

[wordsmith]

Way too much drama going on there.

[dengeist]

Basically, she just told you she's going to dump you when that guy comes around, open relationship or not. At this point, open relationship or not the end result will be the same, you getting dumped in the end, because you're second string. You don't sound like you really want an open relationship, but you'll do it to keep her. Not good for you, at all.

Not trying to be harsh, but you'll be second string no matter what you do. By offering an open relationship, you've basically offered her an out that she will take when the opportunity presents itself. And while you're offering this open relationship, will you be having sex with someone else too?

Uh-Uh. Find someone that cares about you. Applaud her honesty and then walk away.

[Jman06]

Well there is not sex involved. I was thinking if she spent enough time around me shw would want just me?? It sucks because I like her so far and she likes me to so its already hard to just say goodbye. Especially since I dont have any other girls to date now.

[wordsmith]

You'd rather be with somebody who wants somebody else than be on your own?

[LakeJay]

Well there is not sex involved. I was thinking if she spent enough time around me shw would want just me?? It sucks because I like her so far and she likes me to so its already hard to just say goodbye. Especially since I dont have any other girls to date now.

Don't settle. I was concerned that you would want to be with this girl just because she was there. I like to apply "quality over quantity" to different aspects of life and I would say that it certainly applies in this instance. What's the point anyway when you're basically waiting around for her to leave you?

[CTGirl]

Well there is not sex involved. I was thinking if she spent enough time around me shw would want just me?? It sucks because I like her so far and she likes me to so its already hard to just say goodbye. Especially since I dont have any other girls to date now.

Even if she does make that decision, is she really the kind of girl you want to be dating??? She's currently messing around with a guy who has a gf, plus you at the same time, she's a mess, and I don't care how much you "like" her, she sounds like she'd make a terrible gf

[wordsmith]

Right, this whole thing smacks of "Something is better than nothing" rationale.

When in reality, "nothing" is very likely infinitely better than the headache this is sure to be.

[dddork]

and s*x isn't even involved.. you dissapoint me..

it will hurt a lot more if she leaves you after you develop emotional attachment.. better to break it off now..

i also know you won't listen to any of us.. you will listen to your heart and since you think there is a hope, you'll follow the girl. Eventually you will be heartbroken.. We all learn our lessons on our own..

[dengeist]

Even if she does make that decision, is she really the kind of girl you want to be dating??? She's currently messing around with a guy who has a gf, plus you at the same time, she's a mess, and I don't care how much you "like" her, she sounds like she'd make a terrible gf

Yeah, what she said. Plus, it's better to be hurt now than hurt more later. She's already told you what it is, it's going to hurt more when she hits you with it. Don't do it to yourself!!! Worse still, if the other guy doesn't come around there's a possibility that some other guy will come in and you'll be in the same boat.

[Chameleon]

Wow. That's a lot of baggage to unload after two dates - not over the ex, no respect for fidelity and is the other woman for a guy who doesn't want to leave his girlfriend (boohoo). You are her third choice! You have memories of the ex to compete with AND the guy with the girlfriend who is probably sleeping with her. Run, don't walk, away from this woman!

[Jman06]

OK. So....Leave Her-20....Stay-0. I guess the seach goes on... :(

[CTGirl]

OK. So....Leave Her-20....Stay-0. I guess the seach goes on... :(

Definitely, you can do much better than this nonsense!

[wordsmith]

I sincerely doubt that's the best your search can turn up. You don't have to settle.

[Chameleon]

I sincerely doubt that's the best your search can turn up. You don't have to settle.
...and settle for that little... Hanging around waiting for someone to want you as much as you want them is torture, doing that with someone who clearly is horrible at making good relationship decisions and rates you really low on the queue? The toll on your self-esteem isn't worth it.

[dengeist]

OK. So....Leave Her-20....Stay-0. I guess the seach goes on... :(


Seriously man, this is nothing to be upset about. Just don't be the fool to stick around. You are going to encounter a lot of duds, but don't lose heart, it's just the game.

I was telling Jess about a girl that tried to pull that on me a couple of weeks ago. She tried to pull the almost exact same number and I told her straight up, "I really don't know you like that, so good luck with that other guy. I hope you weren't under the impression I thought this was exclusive?"

[BOLD]

Dump her flatly, and with no apology (this will probably make her much more attracted to you since she wants the things she can't have the most, but don't let that stop you). Next you are going to work on your confidence by asking out every beautiful girl you see, no matter where you are. The best time to meet girls is when your waiting in line, make light conversation about something then just say “my name is _______ by the way (she will tell you hers), would you be interested in getting a cup of coffee sometime?” keep this up until it becomes second nature and you’ll have an endless supply of phone numbers.