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View Full Version : Would you date someone with a very promiscuous past?



CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:31 PM
What are your feelings on that?

and1grad
10-03-2006, 01:33 PM
Thats all? I couldnt make a decision on that alone.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:34 PM
I guess my real question is - would it feel dirty for you to sleep with them... or would you be worried about diseases? (even if they said they got tested and had no STDs? which ifind hard to believe if you've had hundreds of partners)

winneythepooh7
10-03-2006, 01:35 PM
You've got to be kidding me, right?

and1grad
10-03-2006, 01:39 PM
Hundreds? I dont think the Girls Gone Wild have HUNDREDS...and..well...they went wild. Anyway, a large number of partners doesnt make you disease-ridden. I think what you have is a trust issue. I wouldnt sleep with someone I didnt trust.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 01:44 PM
I would need a definition of v. promiscious to answer that.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:45 PM
Right... I guess maybe if they used condoms then they're ok. I don't know him very well yet... but I do know that he's been with tons of women.

and1grad
10-03-2006, 01:48 PM
I would need a definition of v. promiscious to answer that.
If I remember the song correctly...he's got game like Steve Nash. :)

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 01:48 PM
What are your feelings on that?
Knowing something like this would definitely give me pause. Whether I'd date him or not depends on how promiscuous he is now, whether I can trust him not to cheat on me, his state of health, among other things.

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 01:49 PM
I've done it before, and made them get tested first. There is also the consideration of the reason that he's been with lots of women, which is usually that he's a serious player and not really the type you can have a serious relationship with, there are typically relationship issues behind that kind of behavior.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:49 PM
You've got to be kidding me, right?

Was it a stupid question or something? Sorry.

Winter Storm
10-03-2006, 01:50 PM
If we're talking Wilt Chamberlain promiscuous, you can FOR-GET-IT. I'd be scared I'd get syphillis shaking his hand.

Otherwise, it depends on the situation. I generally don't ask about sexual history in casual dating. I have no idea my current guys number nor do I wanna know.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:50 PM
There is also the consideration of the reason that he's been with lots of women, which is usually that he's a serious player and not really the type you can have a serious relationship with, there are typically relationship issues behind that kind of behavior.

That's what I wonder, too. I wonder why some people just have dozens of one night stands. Maybe they don't want to get emotionally attached to people.

dddork
10-03-2006, 01:54 PM
I won't .. i like driving my cars with low mileage..

and1grad
10-03-2006, 01:54 PM
One night stands as a common occurrence is DEFINITELY a significant red flag.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 01:56 PM
I'm so sad about it. I like him so much, too. But maybe I need to have a "will this behavior stop" talk.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 01:58 PM
Doubtful. And not because of the health thing (if we're operating under the "been tested, STD-free" hypothetical). But because seriously promiscuous people often have underlying emotional issues that contribute to their behavior, and that spells problems for a relationship...more headache than it's worth. You gotta look at underlying reasons for the behavior. And don't give me, "He just likes sex." MOST people like sex. They don't all behave promiscuously.

meatwad
10-03-2006, 02:00 PM
If she's 'had a few', I don't see a problem, especially if most of them were relationships. But if the girl's a mattress, I'l probably pass.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 02:00 PM
I would really need to know what promiscious means. Some people would probably consider me to be in that category, but I don't consider my number to be that high. And, yeah, some of my number does consist of one-night stands. I would never hold that against anyone b/c who knows what type of "phase" or emotional stuff they were going through.

I'd start with "Who is he today?" and go from there.

and1grad
10-03-2006, 02:02 PM
I would really need to know what promiscious means. Some people would probably consider me to be in that category, but I don't consider my number to be that high. And, yeah, some of my number does consist of one-night stands. I would never hold that against anyone b/c who knows what type of "phase" or emotional stuff they were going through.

I'd start with "Who is he today?" and go from there.
Promiscuous is kinda relative so I guess it would just be...what is promiscuous to YOU? If we start throwing actual numbers out there, a lot of people might start getting offended.

Krishna
10-03-2006, 02:02 PM
I'll bite....


I wouldnt consider a serious relationship with someone who I define as "very promiscuous" for the simple reason that I think sex is reserved for someone who is important to you. Promiscuity implies that the other individual did not make that distinction, and I would not want to be one of the "hell, lets just go hook up" girls to him.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:03 PM
I would really need to know what promiscious means. Some people would probably consider me to be in that category, but I don't consider my number to be that high. And, yeah, some of my number does consist of one-night stands. I would never hold that against anyone b/c who knows what type of "phase" or emotional stuff they were going through.

I'd start with "Who is he today?" and go from there.

But, and this is not a slam at you, Met...I can't just look at who somebody is today...their past matters, it's part of who they are. And if that's how they worked out emotional things in the past, I don't know that I personally would be comfortable assuming they wouldn't do it again if they got in that emotional place again.

I know it seems mean to judge people by past behavior, but we all have to look out for ourselves and protect ourselves, and if past behavior is what I have to go on...well...if the shoe fits...

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:08 PM
I wouldnt consider a serious relationship with someone who I define as "very promiscuous" for the simple reason that I think sex is reserved for someone who is important to you. Promiscuity implies that the other individual did not make that distinction, and I would not want to be one of the "hell, lets just go hook up" girls to him.

So are you saying that they are not even capable of having sex with someone they think is important to them? Well, maybe not. In my eyes, I don't know why you'd choose the empty one night stands to the relationship...

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 02:09 PM
Promiscuous is kinda relative so I guess it would just be...what is promiscuous to YOU? If we start throwing actual numbers out there, a lot of people might start getting offended.
Yeah, my comment wasn't a prompt for numbers. I'm just saying it would depend on the definition, for me.

If we're talking low double digits -- I'm not worried.

If we're talking higher double digits, but less than 50 -- I would tread a little lightly, but if some are relationship stuff, I'd feel ok. Everyone lives their 20's differently.

If we're talking hundreds -- I'd wonder where he was hanging out and how he found that kind of time.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 02:12 PM
But, and this is not a slam at you, Met...I can't just look at who somebody is today...their past matters, it's part of who they are. And if that's how they worked out emotional things in the past, I don't know that I personally would be comfortable assuming they wouldn't do it again if they got in that emotional place again.

I know it seems mean to judge people by past behavior, but we all have to look out for ourselves and protect ourselves, and if past behavior is what I have to go on...well...if the shoe fits...
No, I get it. I guess that's circumstantial, too, though. For me, as long as they're not cheaters, I don't care about the circumstances. If it's "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" kinda stuff -- no big. It happens. If it's just "I'm horny," also fine. It's just the cheating stuff that would be a dealbreaker.

Oh, and I just want to add that, in all my relationships, I've never asked for someone's number and no one has ever asked me. It's just not something I want or need to know.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:17 PM
I don't need numbers, but I'd certainly like to know about STDs. It just seems like someone with a really high number must have caught something along the way, but maybe if condoms were consistently used... then no.

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 02:20 PM
I'm so sad about it. I like him so much, too. But maybe I need to have a "will this behavior stop" talk.

It hasn't stopped?! :eek:

I thought we were talking about someone who, in the past, was very promiscuous.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 02:20 PM
I don't need numbers, but I'd certainly like to know about STDs. It just seems like someone with a really high number must have caught something along the way, but maybe if condoms were consistently used... then no.
Has he been tested? If he's tested and he's fine, then you're ok. You should still be using condoms, anyway.

Just ask him to get tested before you fool around.

spokes
10-03-2006, 02:21 PM
i personally would not care a whole lot myself, unless she was trying to break the world g@ng b@ng record - then the number would be an issue.

if i was with someone with a colorful history and i liked them today, who is to say i would like them in abscence of a colorful history.

i would rather not even have such a conversation with someone, i'd just be happy if they want to be with me.

this thread makes me want to look up the thread about #'s (at least i think there was a thread about #'s).

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:22 PM
Well how do I know he is telling the truth... can he show me proof that he was tested? I mean, not saying I don't trust him...but I'd like to see proof on paper.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:25 PM
Well how do I know he is telling the truth... can he show me proof that he was tested? I mean, not saying I don't trust him...but I'd like to see proof on paper.

Go be tested with him.

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 02:25 PM
Well how do I know he is telling the truth... can he show me proof that he was tested? I mean, not saying I don't trust him...but I'd like to see proof on paper.

If you feel like you need to see the proof on paper, then you dont really trust him.

If you're having this much issue with it, he may not be worth it for you.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 02:25 PM
this thread makes me want to look up the thread about #'s (at least i think there was a thread about #'s).
please don't...

Crox, if you want him to get tested, you go together and do it.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:27 PM
I'm not jumping into the sack with him just yet. I just met him two weeks ago. He was like "ya know i'm just used to the whole one night stand thing...(said it like it wasn't a big deal) so can we take it slow...i'm a little nervous because you seem very wholesome".

Kitty
10-03-2006, 02:28 PM
Oh, and I just want to add that, in all my relationships, I've never asked for someone's number and no one has ever asked me. It's just not something I want or need to know.

I agree..I would be really offended if someone asked me that right up front, and I would feel really uncomfortable asking someone else that..

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:33 PM
No, I get it. I guess that's circumstantial, too, though. For me, as long as they're not cheaters, I don't care about the circumstances. If it's "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" kinda stuff -- no big. It happens. If it's just "I'm horny," also fine. It's just the cheating stuff that would be a dealbreaker.

It is circumstantial, no doubt about that, and everyone's going to have a diff. threshold for what they can and can't live with...but if we're talking about my heart, I'm gonna have to go with what matters to me, and I'd rather not risk my heart by starting something with somebody who views sex a lot differently than I do.


Oh, and I just want to add that, in all my relationships, I've never asked for someone's number and no one has ever asked me. It's just not something I want or need to know.

I agree. But, and this comes from my background in small communities (small hometown, small high school, small college), you know if somebody's been around, whether you get their number from them or not. Because it's too hard to keep it secret when you've slept with nine million people within a small population. So sometimes you know somebody's background without it being spoken.

and1grad
10-03-2006, 02:36 PM
If you feel like you need to see the proof on paper, then you dont really trust him.

If you're having this much issue with it, he may not be worth it for you.
Second that.

Starsailor
10-03-2006, 02:37 PM
Well how do I know he is telling the truth... can he show me proof that he was tested? I mean, not saying I don't trust him...but I'd like to see proof on paper.
Don't the clinics that do those sorts of tests hand out sexual history type cards these days that you can ask to see? Not sure how effective that is, seems like one more think people can create fake forms of, but thought they did that now.

cache
10-03-2006, 02:37 PM
I'm not jumping into the sack with him just yet. I just met him two weeks ago. He was like "ya know i'm just used to the whole one night stand thing...(said it like it wasn't a big deal) so can we take it slow...i'm a little nervous because you seem very wholesome".

I get worried when someone says things like this on a date. I guess I look at it like a girls perception might be warped if she makes odd complements. When I hear something like "very wholesome" all I really hear is something closer to "I've never dated anyone with all their teeth before".

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:40 PM
I personally would never date anybody who uttered the words "I'm just used to the whole one night stand thing." Hate away, haters.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:42 PM
If you feel like you need to see the proof on paper, then you dont really trust him.

If you're having this much issue with it, he may not be worth it for you.

Conversely, if somebody who's admittedly had a lot of sexual partners in the past is retiscent to show proof of a clean bill of health...why would you want to be with somebody with so little regard for your health and wellbeing anyway?

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:48 PM
We haven't gotten that far yet. I haven't even asked him for "papers" on the test. I'm just thinking ahead, don't mind me.

I'm just depressed because he is pretty much one of the most amazing people I've ever met. But mabye the fact that our lifestyles are so different is a red flag. My friend was like "maybe you can convert him"...

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 02:54 PM
My friend was like "maybe you can convert him"...

Oh god, please don't even let her getting you thinking that way :googly:

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 02:55 PM
Yeah. Because changing other people HAPPENS. :googly:

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 02:56 PM
So once a male slut always a male slut huh?

workaholic?
10-03-2006, 02:57 PM
i guess i'm straddling the fence on this one. in college i was the promiscuous one...i was the one having one-night stands...and yes, it was because i had my own emotional issues that i just didn't want to deal with. i had a lot of trust issues because i'd been deeply hurt and betrayed, and i just figured things were better if i wasn't attached. i did so many stupid things...dangerous things with people i never should have been involved with, but it seemed as though i was invincible and everytime i narrowly escaped something really bad happening to me just further affirmed my invincibility. and the scary thing was...i was never really afraid of that invincibility going away. i was never afraid of anything...i had this mentality that whatever happened to me just happened and that i probably deserved it.

once i'd decided i didn't want to be so slutty anymore, i felt like i was never going to find a man who accepted my past. i hated myself and assumed all men would hate me too. i thought i wasn't deserving of a good guy and that i would live the rest of my life alone because i'd screwed up so badly. and believe me...i considered just lying about my past. i thought that might be the only way to ever get a decent guy...divide by 3 maybe and i'd have a decent number. but, i soon realized that i couldn't do that to someone. i couldn't live a lie my whole life and risk someone i loved finding out who i once was and deciding they couldn't be with me.

so when i met my current boyfriend and he asked me about my past, i told him the truth. i told him that i'd basically lost my mind when i was in college...that i'm not now the same person that i was then...and that i know i don't deserve someone like him. and he accepted my past and still wants me. in fact, i think he's more okay with my past than i am...i'm still very hung up on all the bad things i did, and if i'm being honest with myself and with you guys...i still hate that part of me and wish it never existed. at the same time, it has influenced the person i am today, and i guess that's the way my boyfriend sees it...that i wouldn't be the same as i am now had i not experienced the things i have.

so...i mean...to each his own on the promiscuity issue. i don't blame people for not wanting people with marred histories...and at the same time, i'm grateful that there are people in this world who can look past that.

and1grad
10-03-2006, 02:58 PM
So once a male slut always a male slut huh?
Unless he decides to change himself. YOU wont change him.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:02 PM
i know i don't deserve someone like him.

He said something along those lines to me and he just got really upset. He said "i dont know if i'm worthy of having you"...

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 03:02 PM
So once a male slut always a male slut huh?

Well, you could always take your chances that you're the one to make him see the error of his ways, or some such. Have fun with that.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:04 PM
Well the weird thing about it is that he seemed ashamed when he said that he had been with a lot of people. So maybe he does think that there might have been somethign wrong with it...

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 03:05 PM
We haven't gotten that far yet. I haven't even asked him for "papers" on the test. I'm just thinking ahead, don't mind me.

I'm just depressed because he is pretty much one of the most amazing people I've ever met. But mabye the fact that our lifestyles are so different is a red flag. My friend was like "maybe you can convert him"...
If you're asking for advice, I just don't think it matters. His lifestyle has made him the person he is, and if you think that's amazing, that's all that matters.

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 03:05 PM
He said something along those lines to me and he just got really upset. He said "i dont know if i'm worthy of having you"...

Ugh, I cant even tell you how many times I've heard that sorry line, :googly: and in every case I've been in, it turns out to be true in the end, and he's out the door.

old_school_soul
10-03-2006, 03:06 PM
Right... I guess maybe if they used condoms then they're ok. I don't know him very well yet... but I do know that he's been with tons of women.

How do you know? You've interviewed them?

Kitty
10-03-2006, 03:07 PM
If you're asking for advice, I just don't think it matters. His lifestyle has made him the person he is, and if you think that's amazing, that's all that matters.


Yeah, if he's not like that anymore and you like him for who he is now..what does it matter?

old_school_soul
10-03-2006, 03:09 PM
He was like "ya know i'm just used to the whole one night stand thing...(said it like it wasn't a big deal) so can we take it slow...i'm a little nervous because you seem very wholesome".

That's sounds like such a good line. I'll have to use it.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:09 PM
If you're asking for advice, I just don't think it matters. His lifestyle has made him the person he is, and if you think that's amazing, that's all that matters.

Also add the fact that he was like "i've never met anyone like you... you're very innocent"... and he didn't try to just have a one night stand with me. He called me up last night and was all nervous and said "i'm worried and i need to take this slow"... i don't know what's up with him.

SmilesSoSweet
10-03-2006, 03:09 PM
Depending on how you define promiscuous, I'm sure I've dated a guy or two. If I do know the guy's numbers, then I just assume that it's a little more than that. If I don't know the guy's number, then it's really no big deal for the most part. I tend to stretch the truth a bit too, but I don't think I'm promiscuous either.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 03:10 PM
Speaking for myself, I'm not that trusting.

A guy could be legitimately, completely reformed. Fine, good for him. Doesn't mean I have it within me to trust that.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:11 PM
How do you know? You've interviewed them?

He basically told me he can't even give me a number of how many women... so I'm assuming lots of thsoe "stands" were alcohol influenced.

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 03:16 PM
He basically told me he can't even give me a number of how many women... so I'm assuming lots of thsoe "stands" were alcohol influenced.

That would be a dealbreaker for me right there. I don't care how cool you are, if you cant even remember how many people you've slept with, you're not getting with me.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 03:22 PM
That would be a dealbreaker for me right there. I don't care how cool you are, if you cant even remember how many people you've slept with, you're not getting with me.
If you asked me how many people I've kissed, I could never compile that list... Chr*st, I don't even know if I remember the names of every guy I've slept with and my number isn't that high...

I just think it's really easy to draw these lines here, but life isn't that black and white and you could be eliminating good people with all these hard and fast rules...

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 03:23 PM
I personally would never date anybody who uttered the words "I'm just used to the whole one night stand thing." Hate away, haters.

Me neither...

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:25 PM
I just think it's really easy to draw these lines here, but life isn't that black and white and you could be eliminating good people with all these hard and fast rules...

It seems as though a lot of people on this board are very "no way no how" type of people. But maybe people just want to protect themselves.

CTGirl
10-03-2006, 03:28 PM
It seems as though a lot of people on this board are very "no way no how" type of people. But maybe people just want to protect themselves.

I agree that things arent black and white, and nothing is ever as concrete as it seems, but I do think its fair to have standards for yourself, and I also think its good to know where your limits are.

For me, someone who takes sex so lightly as to not even remember how many people he's been with, is going to be someone who will be difficult for me to trust. That's just me, and I know that about myself - its not about making up rules.

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 03:30 PM
So once a male slut always a male slut huh?

Maybe. If he's actually stopped that behavior (and whatever issues caused it have been fixed, or worked on, or whatever), then (to me) that's one situation. If he's telling me that right up until he laid eyes on me he was into that, and that "he's used to one night stands," then I'm probably not going to bet on his instant reformation. Not saying I'd cut him off, but I damn sure wouldn't sleep with him, and I wouldn't want to date him either, until I'm sure, which will take some time, so he can get used to the idea of me either being his very platonic friend, or not knowing me at all.

MetFanL
10-03-2006, 03:35 PM
I want to add that this can cut both ways, too. I've questioned dating guys w/ limited experience. I'd rather someone take care of any wild oats that need sowing before I consider being serious with them. I've given them a chance and probably would again (on a case by case basis, of course), but that definitely is more of a red flag for me than the sleeping around. At least, then, I can feel that he's lived his life to the fullest and choose me to settle down with, if that was the case.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:36 PM
Well that is waht he said... he said ... "why don't we start out slow and get to know eachother and then you can determine whether you want to be intimate with me" or something to that sort...

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 03:37 PM
I want to add that this can cut both ways, too. I've questioned dating guys w/ limited experience. I'd rather someone take care of any wild oats that need sowing before I consider being serious with them. I've given them a chance and probably would again (on a case by case basis, of course), but that definitely is more of a red flag for me than the sleeping around. At least, then, I can feel that he's lived his life to the fullest and choose me to settle down with, if that was the case.

He said he wants to settle down when he is 30, and he's 29 now. So it's not like he is 21 or something.

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 03:41 PM
He said he wants to settle down when he is 30, and he's 29 now. So it's not like he is 21 or something.

I'd be worried about being the "girl who happened to be there at the right time."

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 03:55 PM
Nothing's black and white, there are often extenuating circumstances to explain a person's behavior, people can change, people can conduct themelves in a way that I don't identify with, agree with, or respect, and still be perfectly lovely people in other regards. But ultimately, if I'm not cool with that, I'm not going to be with them. Does that mean I might pass up somebody cool because I'm not down with their past. Sure does. Everybody, I don't care who you are, has criteria that, yes, may well eliminate perfectly nice people in the name of maximizing your odd of getting what you're looking for. But it's a risk-weighing thing.

Of course people make their choices to protect themselves. They also make their choices based on what's most compatible with them, their personalities, their values, and their own knowledge of themselves and what their personal thresholds are. Some people might not have a problem in the world with a partner with a long and varied sexual history. For others, it's not going to cut it. But what's wrong with knowing what works for you and what doesn't?

Kitty
10-03-2006, 03:58 PM
I just think it's really easy to draw these lines here, but life isn't that black and white and you could be eliminating good people with all these hard and fast rules...

I totally agree. You don't always know someone's history/past right away. It may not come up for awhile, and you may have already fell for the person when you find out that they happened to have had a promiscuous past. It's easy to say you'd never date someone that was x, but life doesn't really work that way, I've found.
.

cheshrcarol
10-03-2006, 03:59 PM
I agree..I would be really offended if someone asked me that right up front, and I would feel really uncomfortable asking someone else that..Several years ago I had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me and one night when we were first dating he goes "Oh, and btw I've only slept with 5 people". I was like "Um, ok. I've slept with none." That sure surprised him, lol.

I wouldn't care so much if the guy had a lot of partners if I could be sure that I was going to be enough for him. No cheating, no needing variety, etc.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 03:59 PM
I want to add that this can cut both ways, too. I've questioned dating guys w/ limited experience. I'd rather someone take care of any wild oats that need sowing before I consider being serious with them. I've given them a chance and probably would again (on a case by case basis, of course), but that definitely is more of a red flag for me than the sleeping around. At least, then, I can feel that he's lived his life to the fullest and choose me to settle down with, if that was the case.


You don't know that, though, Met. Just as I don't know that a guy with a checkered past WON'T settle down when he meets me, you don't know that a guy with limited experience will screw around on you because he hasn't sown wild oats. Either way, we're making a judgment call that we feel best protects us emotionally. You just think that a guy who's got less experience is the less safe bet for fidelity, and I think that a guy who's got a habit of playing the field is. Neither of us knows, we just make our judgment calls as best we can.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 04:01 PM
Several years ago I had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me and one night when we were first dating he goes "Oh, and btw I've only slept with 5 people". I was like "Um, ok. I've slept with none." That sure surprised him, lol.

I had a similar conversation once to a guy I was dating mid fooling around one time. He took me home pretty much on the spot and never called me again. Hah. Ass.

Kitty
10-03-2006, 04:09 PM
I'd be worried about being the "girl who happened to be there at the right time."

Plus, who says/thinks things like that? I've never understood that whole "I have to be married by 25" (or insert whatever age/life goal).

and1grad
10-03-2006, 04:10 PM
I had a similar conversation once to a guy I was dating mid fooling around one time. He took me home pretty much on the spot and never called me again. Hah. Ass.
LMAO!! I'm sorry but thats outstanding. :lol:

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 04:16 PM
Plus, who says/thinks things like that? I've never understood that whole "I have to be married by 25" (or insert whatever age/life goal).

Know what I don't understand (okay, actually, don't buy)? "I'm gonna screw everything with legs until I'm [insert arbitrary age], but after that, I'm done, man." Yeah, right.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 04:20 PM
LMAO!! I'm sorry but thats outstanding. :lol:

Yeah, but that's okay, because 1. he was a Republican and 2. His rationale for not dating me was, "I can't corrupt somebody who's pure as the driven snow," and I do NOT wanna sleep with somebody whose outlook at sexuality is that fucked up.

Last I knew, he was in Iraq, and National Guard unit was one of the MP units at Abu Ghraib. No, I'm not kidding.

Kitty
10-03-2006, 04:31 PM
Know what I don't understand (okay, actually, don't buy)? "I'm gonna screw everything with legs until I'm [insert arbitrary age], but after that, I'm done, man." Yeah, right.

I've never heard anyone actually say that...but um, yeah. Don't buy it either.

ETA: If you change, you change..but you can't just decide you're going to be one way for awhile and then change when you turn x age.

Krishna
10-03-2006, 04:34 PM
So are you saying that they are not even capable of having sex with someone they think is important to them? Well, maybe not. In my eyes, I don't know why you'd choose the empty one night stands to the relationship...

No, I'm not saying that they aren't capable of having sex with someone they think is important to them. I'm saying that when I hear the word "promiscuous" I think of people who just as readily climb in the sack with someone for a one night stand as they would build a lasting relationship.

Krishna
10-03-2006, 04:38 PM
Oh, and I just want to add that, in all my relationships, I've never asked for someone's number and no one has ever asked me. It's just not something I want or need to know.

I'll readily admit that I asked my current boyfriend how many people he'd slept with...but it was more of a curiousity thing, and I asked way far into the relationship. It was a mutual decision to disclose that information, and if he hadnt wanted to tell me, I would have dropped it.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 04:40 PM
I've never heard anyone actually say that...but um, yeah. Don't buy it either.

ETA: If you change, you change..but you can't just decide you're going to be one way for awhile and then change when you turn x age.

Yeah, it was in reference to the OP's pro one-night stand man, who "wants to settle down when he's 30." Because, on that birthday, you magically no longer have any desire for multiple partners.

Kitty
10-03-2006, 04:44 PM
I don't totally get the whole "sow your wild oats" thing, either. Like, is that really something you just get out of your system, so to speak? It seems like you may have wild oats, you may not, you may change, or you may not.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 04:52 PM
Me, either. I don't think it's something you necessarily "get out of your system," nor do I think it's something everybody "has" to do.

CCrox24
10-03-2006, 05:01 PM
Can anyone give me some advice as to what types of questions I should ask him? I was going to ask him "do you think you could ever commit to one woman"... but I feel like it is too early in the game to ask things like that.

elise9
10-03-2006, 05:39 PM
I think the questions could be; How long ago was this "past"? Does he think he's different now? And if he's changed, why does he think he's changed?

I do think it's possible that guys(and girls) can change this behavior and "settle down", but it has to be through their own motivation, not just because they met someone. Maybe he realized it was an unfulfilling lifestyle, was lonely, and decided that making lasting relationships built on other things was the way to go.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 05:41 PM
I do think it's possible that guys(and girls) can change this behavior and "settle down", but it has to be through their own motivation, not just because they met someone. Maybe he realized it was an unfulfilling lifestyle, was lonely, and decided that making lasting relationships built on other things was the way to go.

I think people can change, too. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'd be willing to be the one taking a gamble on whether or not they did.

Kitty
10-03-2006, 05:50 PM
Can anyone give me some advice as to what types of questions I should ask him? I was going to ask him "do you think you could ever commit to one woman"... but I feel like it is too early in the game to ask things like that.

YOU need to come up with the types of things you want to know and discuss with him. Having us provide you with a checklist of questions to fire at him won't accomplish anything. Sit down, do some heavy duty thinking about this situation, maybe write some journal entries, and once you've sorted out your own thoughts you can begin to have a general discussion with him regarding this issue.

Deadhorse
10-03-2006, 05:50 PM
I don't totally get the whole "sow your wild oats" thing, either. Like, is that really something you just get out of your system, so to speak? It seems like you may have wild oats, you may not, you may change, or you may not.
I dont get it either. And you'd think I would. Because I love oats.

Chameleon
10-03-2006, 06:02 PM
I dont get it either. And you'd think I would. Because I love oats.
I was wondering which thread that Deadhorse was going to post in. Thought it would be the Men and Marriage one though.

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 06:09 PM
It wouldn't surprise me if there's a beating scheduled there, too.

WorkInProgress
10-03-2006, 06:12 PM
It wouldn't surprise me if there's a beating scheduled there, too.

Oops, sorry. :redface:

wordsmith
10-03-2006, 06:25 PM
Oops, sorry. :redface:

Hah! Don't worry about it. Methinks the dead horse likes to come out to play. :rolleyes:

SunDevil
10-03-2006, 08:56 PM
I would have a much harder time trusting someone with a promiscuous past? It would be too easy for them to think, if I sleep with one more person while on vacation, at a party they went to by themselves, or if they were home alone for a long time.

Would it be easier to go from 1 to 2 in a long term relationship or go from 34 to 35?

It would be interesting to see if a couple who both have high numbers view cheating as devastating as a couple with very low numbers.

Maybe I just need to move out of the midwest and conservative places I have lived.

KCboy
10-03-2006, 09:04 PM
*shrug*

they're probably pretty good at it.

go have a good time, kid

thedave
10-05-2006, 12:55 AM
I personally would never date anybody who uttered the words "I'm just used to the whole one night stand thing." Hate away, haters.

yeah... OP... sorry... but stop fooling yourself... ;):

The only thing that will make him change is probably something life-threatening or life-changing that happened to him...

Illuminous
10-05-2006, 02:01 PM
I'm going to throw this out there.

One of my ex's (after we had been together for a few months and he knew roughly how many people i'd been with) told me that he loved me even though I'd been somewhat of a whore in the past.

Yeah. That hurt. Mostly b/c most of the men I've been with were while we were in a relationship, but I started having sex at 16, and have rarely not been dating someone or in a relationship, and my relationships haven't lasted that long.

So obviously, I have my opinions on the matter.

and1grad
10-05-2006, 03:05 PM
I'm going to throw this out there.

One of my ex's (after we had been together for a few months and he knew roughly how many people i'd been with) told me that he loved me even though I'd been somewhat of a whore in the past.
Wow...were you dating Bill O'Reilly or something? I cant imagine saying that sentence to someone.

BlueEyedFunOne
10-05-2006, 03:30 PM
Honestly, I think this guy is feeding you lines just to get in your pants. I've seen it much too often....even with all the womanizing that some of my guy friends do.

"you're special to me, baby...i want to get to know you better...let's take things slow...let me know when you're ready...i've changed from my past"
::you sleep together::
::he got what he wants and you never hear from him again::

Sorry, I just don't trust guys who have been around the block a few (hundred?!) times. Just as promiscious women sometimes have issues contributing to their behavior, I think the same for guys.

BlueEyedFunOne
10-05-2006, 03:39 PM
One of my ex's (after we had been together for a few months and he knew roughly how many people i'd been with) told me that he loved me even though I'd been somewhat of a whore in the past.



This just gets under my skin a bit. I guess it all goes back to the lovely double standard that women are supposed to be virginal and pure...while men can sling their baby batter around all they want - and are praised for it.

Not to threadjack, but on some other message boards I peruse, there's a long-standing thread on sex (that's unfortunately gone to the pits). Man-whores are always preaching their ridiculous standards for the women they want to date/marry....virgins only, must be submissive, etc. Makes me sick.

KCboy
10-05-2006, 05:15 PM
Man-whores are always preaching their ridiculous standards for the women they want to date/marry....virgins only, must be submissive, etc. Makes me sick.

lets please separate the fake internet/TV world from real life.

most of those "man-whores" are really nerds locked in their parents' basement that would blow it in their pants if a woman ever looked at them twice.



also, women have ridiculous standards too, just different ones.

BlueEyedFunOne
10-05-2006, 05:24 PM
also, women have ridiculous standards too, just different ones.

Yep, I've heard those outrageous examples too. "Guys must have a mansion, fancy cars, making 6 figures, hung like a horse, lets me go shopping and stay at home eating bon bons and watching Oprah...."

Some of the best ones are the W4M and M4W ads on craigslist! Hours of entertainment!

wordsmith
10-05-2006, 05:31 PM
Yep, I've heard those outrageous examples too. "Guys must have a mansion, fancy cars, making 6 figures, hung like a horse, lets me go shopping and stay at home eating bon bons and watching Oprah...."

I think the last time I heard these standards being voiced, I was playing MASH on the school bus.

BlueEyedFunOne
10-05-2006, 05:35 PM
I think the last time I heard these standards being voiced, I was playing MASH on the school bus.


Try living in Connecticut :huge: :huge:

CTGirl
10-05-2006, 05:37 PM
Try living in Connecticut :huge: :huge:

I live in CT and have never heard crap like that, from either gender.

BlueEyedFunOne
10-05-2006, 05:46 PM
I live in CT and have never heard crap like that, from either gender.


Really?

I definitely heard my fair share of whiny, princess-ish trixies wanting it all from the men they date. Mostly from overhearing conversations when going out. It was a bit of culture shock moving up here, hearing that. Extreme example, I know, but it makes me relieved when people have more normal expectations of people they date. Ah well.

Illuminous
10-05-2006, 06:07 PM
Wow...were you dating Bill O'Reilly or something? I cant imagine saying that sentence to someone.

No, but he was an ass. So as a result I dont judge anyone by their past. You may have been on heroin and slept with 300 women, but I'll treat you nice if you treat me nice. I'd rather take the "man-whore" who respects me than the guy who's only slept with 7 people who treats me like crap.

wordsmith
10-05-2006, 06:10 PM
So as a result I dont judge anyone by their past. You may have been on heroin and slept with 300 women, but I'll treat you nice if you treat me nice.

I dunno. I'll treat you nice, in that scenario, but I probably won't trust you, and therefore probably won't date you. As said earlier, it might be crappy to judge somebody by their past actions, but I have to protect me, and if that's what I've got to make an informed decision, then that's what I've got.

CTGirl
10-05-2006, 06:39 PM
Really?

I definitely heard my fair share of whiny, princess-ish trixies wanting it all from the men they date. Mostly from overhearing conversations when going out. It was a bit of culture shock moving up here, hearing that. Extreme example, I know, but it makes me relieved when people have more normal expectations of people they date. Ah well.

depends who you hang out with I think......

LaFille
10-05-2006, 07:10 PM
This just gets under my skin a bit. I guess it all goes back to the lovely double standard that women are supposed to be virginal and pure...while men can sling their baby batter around all they want - and are praised for it.

Not to threadjack, but on some other message boards I peruse, there's a long-standing thread on sex (that's unfortunately gone to the pits). Man-whores are always preaching their ridiculous standards for the women they want to date/marry....virgins only, must be submissive, etc. Makes me sick.

where are they going to get all these submissive virgins? a convent?

Deni81
10-05-2006, 07:25 PM
The boyfriend I lost my virginity to was promiscuous before we dated. I didn't just know his number, but knew two of the girls back in high school. I decided not to judge him on his past and slept with him. I don't regret it. But in the beginning, I would wonder if he was comparing me to the other girls.

My last boyfriend was the opposite. I was the second girl he had slept with. It was weird to be the "promiscuous" one in the relationship.

Kitty
10-05-2006, 08:23 PM
I don't understand how you're less trust-worthy if you've slept with more people?? :googly:

wordsmith
10-05-2006, 09:36 PM
To me, promiscuity isn't about overall numbers. It's about partner-hopping and taking sex/fidelity lightly...(one literal dictionary definition is "not restricted to one sexual partner"). I don't partner-hop, nor do I take sex or fidelity lightly and wouldn't feel right with a partner who does. And, no, I wouldn't really trust one, either. Priorities need to be in line with mine.

Kitty
10-05-2006, 10:21 PM
To me, promiscuity isn't about overall numbers. It's about partner-hopping and taking sex/fidelity lightly...(one literal dictionary definition is "not restricted to one sexual partner"). I don't partner-hop, nor do I take sex or fidelity lightly and wouldn't feel right with a partner who does. And, no, I wouldn't really trust one, either. Priorities need to be in line with mine.

Ok, just curious..so what if someone had only had a 1 or 2 partners, but both of them were one night stands.

wordsmith
10-05-2006, 10:31 PM
I'd be more compatible/feel more more comfortable with somebody whose sexual history is less casual, to be honest.

Kitty
10-05-2006, 10:34 PM
I'd be more compatible/feel more more comfortable with somebody whose sexual history is less casual, to be honest.

Yeah, I just think that even though some people *say* it's not the actual number, in reality it is (not you, but just in general).

wordsmith
10-05-2006, 10:42 PM
That's fine. But honestly, I'd rather be with somebody who had a half dozen partners within the confines of committed relationships than somebody who had half as many, but in extremely casual contexts. Simply because that matches my ideals and preferences as well. I'd just rather be with somebody for whom sex is part of a committed monogamous relationship. It's not the numer, it's the one-night stand aspect.

Kitty
10-05-2006, 10:46 PM
That's fine. But honestly, I'd rather be with somebody who had a half dozen partners within the confines of committed relationships than somebody who had half as many, but in extremely casual contexts. Simply because that matches my ideals and preferences as well. I'd just rather be with somebody for whom sex is part of a committed monogamous relationship. It's not the numer, it's the one-night stand aspect.

Yeah, that makes sense.

hoodie
10-08-2006, 02:32 PM
I would go along with his idea to get to know each other better. I'm not trusting AT ALL by nature, so actually I'd be hanging out with him in settings in public where we are able to talk, but I wouldn't give him so much as a kiss goodnight until I was sure he was someone I wouldn't mind dating. And in order to find that out, I'd need to find out how long ago he was promiscuous. If he, like MetFan, had a "crazy college phase" then grew up and quit it, I'd consider it. If I was just an infrequent, or god forbid, his first foray into actual relationships, I'd be too freaked out. I'd need to hear that he's done a period of attempts at real relationships, and even more importantly, been willing to take a dry spell to show that he's okay with himself outside of having a girlfriend and some booty at his easy disposal. And yes, I'd make him work (and no, not game playing, but by work I mean take the time to get to know me and open up himself) for my respect and affections, especially if women have always come easy for him.

swordfish77
11-03-2006, 10:40 PM
Yeaah, I would marry a whore, all the way...lol

shimma
11-04-2006, 12:08 PM
An example of why you can miss out on an absolutely fabulous, gorgeous, intelligent, funny, interesting, etc, great catch if you hold it against somebody that s/he has a past:


I would really need to know what promiscious means. Some people would probably consider me to be in that category, but I don't consider my number to be that high. And, yeah, some of my number does consist of one-night stands. I would never hold that against anyone b/c who knows what type of "phase" or emotional stuff they were going through.

I'd start with "Who is he today?" and go from there.

It would depend on a ton of factors for me. Starting with, I'd need to know that they were STD free, I would want to know their #, last time they'd had sex (HIV takes 6 months to show up sometimes), and go get tested with them.

I do know a 30 yr old guy - my HS ex - whose number is now 150-something that he knows of and climbing in the 11 yrs since we broke up. (Yuppies don't get AIDS, white people don't get AIDS, college graduates don't get AIDS... :googly: Fucking idiot! I honestly worry about him.) In his case, there is something very wrong with him emotionally and lifestyle wise that drives his promiscuity.

So if someone had a high #, I'd want to know "what happened", but me personally I prefer to know someone really well and have deep feelings before we badonka-donk.