How many friends?

[imhappy]

I keep reading that happy people have a lot of friends around them. Is there a secret formula to how many? Does accumulating 20 friends, but 3 really close ones a good goal? Just wondering what you all thought. Also, if you are happy with your life- how many friends do you have? Thanks

[GoogleGirl]

I honestly think most people don't have that many friends. At least...that's the impression I've got from the people who are regulars on this forum. I know I don't for sure. I'm struggling to just be social at all right now. I think a lot of people keep up appearances and "appear" to have all these friends and stuff, but in truth they don't. As for my situation, I have 2 friends that I see during the week, and that is about once a week. So I really don;t see many people besides my teacher and students during the week and weekends.

[SunDevil]

In college, I had 5 close friends and about 5 guys that I knew fairly well. Now, I only keep in touch with one of them because we all spread out around the US.

[littledancerus]

Let's see... I have one really good friend, but she lives about 2.5 hours away. Here, I have a few friends that I can go out with once in a while. I'd say I have about 5 friends like that, & then a bunch of acuantences (sp?) through them. I also have many other friends who live either on the other side of the state (where the best friend lives) or in other states. I'd say I have probably 8 or so of these, that I don't get to see very often at all, but I still consider them my friends. I still feel like I don't have enough mainly because I don't have any good friends here where I'm at. I guess it's all relative.

[and1grad]

I dont think there's a secret formula. I think relationships just sometimes require more work than people are willing to put into em. But thats upkeep. Finding friends, to me, is kinda difficult. Anyway, I consider myself a pretty happy person and I actually do have over 20 friends but about half of em are in southern cal or elsewhere. Then there's also internet friends or "iFriends."

[EastCoastQLCing]

I have three very good friends, but they are scattered around so i don't seem them regularly. Then i have 2 local social friends. I also have a couple of other social friends that live further away, that I only see a few times a year. Other than that, i'm kinda close with a couple of my husband's friends... but thats it.

I think the older you get, the more complicated life gets, and your number of friends dwindles. When we are young, we have nothing to do but work on our social lives. As we get older, we have apartments/houses, bills, jobs, etc. and our time is limited. Just my opinion. :)

[GoogleGirl]

I think the older you get, the more complicated life gets, and your number of friends dwindles. When we are young, we have nothing to do but work on our social lives. As we get older, we have apartments/houses, bills, jobs, etc. and our time is limited. Just my opinion. :)


I second that motion. Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Krishna]

I dont care how many friends I have, as long as I have 3-5 good, reliable friends.

[AshleyJordan]

Very true. I know also that, at least in my profession, most of the new friendships I develop started as colleagues, because in development connections are key. I go to a couple of events every week that are both social and professional (fundraisers, networking cocktail hours, etc.,) so I'll meet a lot of people for professional purposes who sometimes become friends. Even if we're just hanging out to go to the movies or to lunch, though, there's always a sort of businessy undercurrent, putting them somewhere between colleauges and actual friends. . .

[imhappy]

I see that a lot of people are in the same boat as me, with not having that many friends. However, I like to put on parties at my home, so I am trying to figure out how many people I would need in order to have a party. I'm thinking I need to know around 30 people, between me and my husband, if we want to do evites for a Halloween get-to-gether without the party looking too pathetic. any ideas on this?

[Kitty]

This is definitely a case of quality over quantity.

[Jedi of Zen]

Locally, I have 2 friends. I have a handful of otherwise close friends who live out of state and so I don't get to talk to them very often.

[stonemonkey]

I guess my friends would be whoever I'm around the most at moment. Which would make that my co-workers. I have good friends in other cities, but that seems to be the way things go. It's probably because we live so far apart that if we didn't make the effort to stay in contact, we wouldn't be good friends anyway. I guess a good test of friendship is being away from each other, and seeing if you still make the effort. I've made friends while traveling, which has been great, but I do think that as you get older, your social networks become more fixed. Whoever you're stuck with now, that's who you're stuck with for life. Sure, I can meet people through work, but that's hardly anything, since what I do isn't very people-orientated, and the people I do meet tend to be only of a certain type.

However, it does kinda suck to think that there are some social circles I'll never be able to really break into, with the connections that I have at the age I'm at now.

I don't really know how it is that you set out to make more friends, really. There's always been some sort of 'forced intimacy' involved, so it's just as a product of circumstance that you and somebody else spend extended periods of time with each other, and so a friendship develops if you click. Most other social interactions are too fleeting (especially if you live in a big city) for anything deeper to take hold, like the 'single-serving friend' you make with a passenger on your flight.

[GoogleGirl]

I say all of us QLCers should find a way to all meet up and have a huge party or something. haha That way...we know we'd all be around good friends. :huge:

[spiritedaway]

I don't hang out with my friends all that much anymore. Most of my friends are in the same state, but we're still at least 40 minutes apart.

I'd like to think I have 3-4 good friends (after all, I just got invited to yet another friend's wedding.) I think I am a good friend when I actually make the effort, but since I tend to be lackluster in keeping in touch, they tend to drift apart. So, now I'd say I have no "real" friends (people I could talk about deep stuff or really count on). (one of them lives on a different continent, and another is crazy busy with her kids) so at least for the moment, I'd say I have no friends.

It troubles me a little that I don't find lack of friends to be bothersome. I guess I must be jaded since I had a lot of friends in high school and it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. I am also guessing that my definition of "friend" is absurdly high since I am really picky about who my friends are.

The secret to having friends is to be sociable and genuine. The number of friends isn't important. The higher the number is, the more likely that they are more acquaintances than actual friends. If you're an extrovert though, having a lot of friends will energize you.

For me, though, I'd still take quality over quantity any day.

[stonemonkey]

Part of it though, is that there aren't that many 'quality' people around who you'd want to be friends with anyway. And it does depend on your definition of what a friend is. If 'drinking buddies' don't count as friends, then I don't think I have any friends locally.

[yankeeyosh]

I have a few friends not in boston who I keep in frequent contact with. Here in town, I guess you can say I have two "decent" friends.

[SmilesSoSweet]

I also agree that it's more quality than quantity. I don't have too many friends out here. I have my co-workers (I work with four other people) but I rarely socialize with them outside of the office. Then I have a handful of friends I met at church when I was helping out with the youth group, but there are times when I feel I'm not "holy" enough to hang out with them.

Back home I had a few friends throughout grade school and high school and a few in college. I had a bunch of aquaintances and classmates, but I really only kept to just a handful of friends.

Almost all of my close friends live in a different state. Some of the friends I've known since elementary school are now just aquaintances (we just grew apart) and some of the aquaintances I knew back in college are now really good friends.

There is never a set number of friends that people need. That's just like saying you need to date X amount of guys before you get married to have a happy marriage. Or that you need to make X amount of money before you can truely be happy.

[stonemonkey]

I don't know what to take from this, but MSN did a survey on friendship a few years ago:

http://www.microsoft.com/uk/press/content/presscentre/releases/2003/11/pr03170.mspx

I guess some of it rings true. I lose friends at roughly the same rate as I make them. I don't know if I'd say I have 33 'friends' though, unless by 'friend' you mean something like a 'MySpace friend', which you can have thousands of.

[yankeeyosh]

I guess some of it rings true. I lose friends at roughly the same rate as I make them. I don't know if I'd say I have 33 'friends' though, unless by 'friend' you mean something like a 'MySpace friend', which you can have thousands of.

I don't know if I could count Silent friends as "true" friends...it's different when you don't talk to them in person, don't meet up with them, talk with them on the phone, etc. Not saying that they aren't good people...it's just not the same when you haven't ever seen them in person. I guess I could see the argument in which one says that they are...but I'm a bit old fashioned in that respect. I definitely wouldn't consider Myspace people as "true" friends...unless there's something about Myspace that I'm missing. Eh, I'm gonna close down my Myspace in a month anyway (although I might have a more elaborate page for next hurricane season).

But yeah, no matter what you consider them, the Silent Friend has pretty much taken over given the brutal schedules of many in this generation...as well as the fact that people are so spread out.

But even when you include them, I don't think I have more than ten.

Perhaps we are the real Silent Generation (generation joke there) :)

[stonemonkey]

the Silent Friend has pretty much taken over given the brutal schedules of many in this generation.

Yeah, but we're not mindless lemmings. 'Brutal schedules' only dictate your life if you let them. There's always a choice. Your life won't end simply because you decide to go out and get trashed on the weekend. Sure, you can't have it all, but you can have something of life if you make it a priority. It's not like we're living in a totalitarian state, we can 'disconnect from the matrix' if we choose to. Just log off and ban yourself from the internet. Get people's numbers. Get their friends' numbers. TALK to them. Talk about all the stuff we talk about on here, but in person. Meet up, hang out, shoot the shit. I know it's not easy, but being negative definitely drives people away.

[WorkInProgress]

This is definitely a case of quality over quantity.
100% agree.

[WorkInProgress]

Part of it though, is that there aren't that many 'quality' people around who you'd want to be friends with anyway. And it does depend on your definition of what a friend is. If 'drinking buddies' don't count as friends, then I don't think I have any friends locally.

Exactly.

But there's a place in this world for drinking buddies, and work friends, and extra-curricular organization friends.

I have only a few kindred spirit type friends--you know, the kind that you just "get" and when you get the chance to spend time with them, it's like you never spent time apart? I'm ok that I don't have oodles of these. I'm not really sure it's possible to have lots, actually. But I have other good friends, and pleasant acquaintances, and that works for me (generally).

[Ciderhillnh]

Im probably the odd man out here.....but I have about 15 people that I talk to regularly all week long that Im close to.
There are another 20 or so that sometimes I speak with during the week and sometimes have dinner or a drink with.
Then there even an addtional set of 10 people that come out and just party that I dont talk on the phone or Email on a very regular basis.

As for Myspace.....I have 108 friends listed...some of them are bands....maybe 10. The rest are all people that I see and talk to on a regular basis.

Its taken me a good 4 years to develop this group of people and my life in college was nothing like this, nor high school for that matter. When I first moved home in 2002, I didnt have any friends in the area......so that first year was tough, but I worked at it and am happy where I am now.

[mishl982]

I have a lot of acquiantances, but only a small group of close knit friends. Personally I'd rather have a few really close friends than a bunch. The others are still fun to hang out with and keep in touch, but even when I had a ton of friends, most of them fade into the background and you learn who your true friends are.

[Chameleon]

I see that a lot of people are in the same boat as me, with not having that many friends. However, I like to put on parties at my home, so I am trying to figure out how many people I would need in order to have a party. I'm thinking I need to know around 30 people, between me and my husband, if we want to do evites for a Halloween get-to-gether without the party looking too pathetic. any ideas on this?
Define pathetic. If you had a smaller gathering, say 10-15 people, inviting people you knew that would get along well, enjoy meeting each other, who's company you'd enjoy and won't trash your place, go through your medicine cabinet, or get obnoxiously drunk, would that be so bad?

Would you be comfortable having 10 people you didn't know well in your house? 20? 30? Are friends of friends of casual acquaintances of second cousins invited? How late do you want the party to go? Will you be disappointed if it ended by 10pm or exhausted if it ended by 4am? Will you factor in the flakiness of your friends when planning how much food and booze to get? Will you have enough energy to actually enjoy the party by time your guests start rolling in (1-3 hours after the evite states). Will you have costume contests, dance music, board games, drinking games, clowns or fire dancers (kidding!)? What do you and your friends enjoy?

Halloween is a pretty competitive party time with lots of people throwing parties (at least where I live). If there is no one in your circle of friends hosting one, this could be your chance for a memorable shindig. You could also plan it as the party that people start the night with, the one people drop in on, or where they hang till sunrise.

There is no guarantee that the 30 people that accept your invitation will show up at the same time (or at all!) or stay for long. If you send an evite, you are going to have a number of people not reply at all (usually about 30-50%), some number are going to decline (sometimes as many or more than the people that actually accept the invitation), a smaller number of Maybes, and a number of Yes-es that will flake out on you.

It's best to find a critical mass of people who you can count on to show (could be another couple who's company you enjoy and 2-4 work friends) who you wouldn't mind hanging out with the entire night so even if no one else shows, you are guaranteed to have a good time. Or enough people so that casual acquiantances wouldn't think they are interrupting an intimate gathering when they do drop by.

[Ciderhillnh]

For a party------send out the Evite to the friends you already have-----extend the invite to include their friends (and make sure to state that friends invitees that break stuff, throw up, or cause issues will be tossed and not welcome back to future gatherings)

Ive done this for my parties, Ive met a ton of new people, made new friends, and my friends met and made new friends too. Ive never had problems with my friends friends coming over……

So if your concern is having a good group to mingle…open the invitation up!

[workaholic?]

my whole life i've been the kind of person to have only one or two close friends at a time and then there are the people i hang out with but don't really confide in or depend on. in high school, i had two best friends...one on a more social level (we spent almost all our time together outside of school) and one on a more academic level (we had a lot of classes together, were lab partners, and studied together all the time...we also both played clarinet and spent a lot of time in band together...yes we were nerds...shutup).

then in college, my freshman year, i had 3 close friends and then people i had classes with and worked with. that changed to just 2 close friends the next two years.

now, out of college, i have my best friend (who is also my boyfriend) and my sister...i confide in both of them more than anyone else. but, i also have my two friends from college (one of whom i speak to more often than the other) and my one best social friend from high school (who i rarely see and sort of rarely talk to, but still consider her my best friend). i don't get to see or talk to my friends who aren't local very often but whenever i do, it's just like we were never apart. it's those times when we ARE together that i remember how happy i was when i had them around all the time.

i have "friends" at work...the people i talk to and see on a more regular basis, but i rarely confide in those people. it's not that i don't like them...we're just not as similar as my real friends and i are (or have been). and, i feel like we never really had a choice in who we would be friends with here...there just aren't that many young people here and so you end up just hanging out with whoever will hang out...you're forced together whether you like it or not.

[wordsmith]

I find that my concept of "friends" has changed over the years. When I was a kid/ teen, friends were people who were my constant social group. Now, most of my friends are a collection of people I've known over the years and are pretty much scattered around the country and beyond, so I don't really feel anymore like my friends are only people I can go out with. Honestly, I seldom go out with friends. My best friends are more people I keep in touch with than go places with. Most of my going out is done with my siblings, who are built-in friends who I actually enjoy more than most of my friends. My best friends don't even live close enough to me to go out often. I also have friends I've made on messageboard communities like this one, and I don't consider them to be less, either. Many of them, I talk with more than friends who live way closer. I also have friends at work who I don't often get together with socially.

[cache]

If you are worried about the potential body count, a Halloween party might not be the best option. There are a ton of Halloween parties, you have a lot of competition. Maybe a week or two before or after?

JMHO

[WorkInProgress]

You could do a post halloween party...still costumes, finish up the candy, etc. Could be fun, if you're into offbeat stuff like that.

I'm weird, I know.

[Kitty]

I re-read the original post and started cracking up over "if you're happy with your life - how many friends do you have?"

WHat if you're unhappy with your life and have 600 friends? I don't get how a large number of friends equates happiness. I swear, this is like those psychos who try to accumulate like 500 myspace friends so they feel loved and cool.

[Kingdom]

I keep reading that happy people have a lot of friends around them. Is there a secret formula to how many? Does accumulating 20 friends, but 3 really close ones a good goal? Just wondering what you all thought. Also, if you are happy with your life- how many friends do you have? ThanksIt's a cliche, but much like many other aspects of life, it's the quality of a friendship, not the quantity.

[Krissy2006]

would you all agree that TRUE friends are the ppl you could spend all your time with and never get sick of? or are they just ppl you spend alot of time with, but know when to keep your distnace, and to be good friends doesn't involve being attached at the hip?

[CTGirl]

would you all agree that TRUE friends are the ppl you could spend all your time with and never get sick of? or are they just ppl you spend alot of time with, but know when to keep your distnace, and to be good friends doesn't involve being attached at the hip?

I dont think you have to be attached at the hip to be a true friend. To me, my true friends are the ones that I know I can count on for anything, who I know will always be there for me (the ones who called me to check on me when they heard I got downsized), the ones who seem to sometimes know me better than I know myself, and the ones who, if I dont speak to them for years even, will still feel the same way after we reconnect (this just happened actually).

[WorkInProgress]

would you all agree that TRUE friends are the ppl you could spend all your time with and never get sick of? or are they just ppl you spend alot of time with, but know when to keep your distnace, and to be good friends doesn't involve being attached at the hip?

I think true friends are not necessarily either.

I can't think of a single person who I could spend all my time with and not get sick of, to include all of my nearest and dearest.

And, in the case of my best friend, she doens't live anywhere near me, so we can't spend lots of time together.

[asm198]

I find that my concept of "friends" has changed over the years. When I was a kid/ teen, friends were people who were my constant social group. Now, most of my friends are a collection of people I've known over the years and are pretty much scattered around the country and beyond, so I don't really feel anymore like my friends are only people I can go out with. Honestly, I seldom go out with friends. My best friends are more people I keep in touch with than go places with. Most of my going out is done with my siblings, who are built-in friends who I actually enjoy more than most of my friends. My best friends don't even live close enough to me to go out often. I also have friends I've made on messageboard communities like this one, and I don't consider them to be less, either. Many of them, I talk with more than friends who live way closer. I also have friends at work who I don't often get together with socially.

I kind of agree with this. I'd say that the majority of my friendships are made from messageboards and none of them live anywhere near me. Locally, I have one close friend and a few people that I consider friends, but rarely to never get together with. And I have one friend who lives in the same state I do, but in a different city.

A few years back, I decided to prune most of my friendships, because they were pretty toxic and I've never replaced them. But I've never been a person who felt they needed to meet a quota with friendships.

[Chameleon]

Considering how miserable a single bad friend can make you (even great friends aren't always a picnic), I don't think there's a magic number for number of people you let into your inner circle that would preclude letting in a bad egg.


would you all agree that TRUE friends are the ppl you could spend all your time with and never get sick of? or are they just ppl you spend alot of time with, but know when to keep your distnace, and to be good friends doesn't involve being attached at the hip?

I consider myself really lucky that I have people to occassionally hang out with one-on-one or with a group. It also helps that I'm okay going places by myself so I don't drive anyone crazy by needing them to accompany me everywhere and I no longer have the kind of friends that will guilt me about saying "No" to them.

I don't think I know a single person that I can be around 24/7 without going crazy. I haven't had a posse I went everywhere with since high school and that dissolved when boys got into the picture. I like having my space, it doesn't mean I love my friends less and I can't imagine someone wanting me around all the time - don't they have other friends or other interests outside of our friendship? That would strike me as very strange.

[Krissy2006]

Its very true, I guess the more mature a friendship is, th emore you are ABLE to be apart but still be close, if that makes any sense. I mean I think for me, I am independent and like to do my own thing. I mean even when it comes to shopping, I would rather go alone, b/c that way if I'm in a rush I don't have to worry about waiting around.. sounds selfish, but truthfully, it doesn't mean I don't like spending time with ppl, I just prefer to do my own thing sometimes. Whereas in highschool, I had this one group we did EVERYTHING with and they still continue to do so, which kinda makes me feel antisocial... but at the same time I'm trying to be true to my self... so I do understand, I think that when you have the time to spend you do, and if you don't u don't. But its deifnately about being there for eachother for sure.... now to get over my anxiety over food and I'll be set lol

[astronaut83]

If you exclude family, I only have one real best friend. Then there are my college buddies, which I consider friends to an extent (even though I don't hang out with them). Everyone else I consider acquantances, but I end up saying that they're "my friends".

Whereas in highschool, I had this one group we did EVERYTHING with and they still continue to do so, which kinda makes me feel antisocial... but at the same time I'm trying to be true to my self...

I'm in the same situation. I really didn't start hanging out with my friends from high school until senior year (strict parents). Some of them still do hang out. We have a yearly party and I haven't hung out with them after high school, which makes conversations awkward. It hasn't made me feel bad or left out because they're into their own thing while I'm into mine.

[jrwilheim]

I keep reading that happy people have a lot of friends around them. Is there a secret formula to how many? Does accumulating 20 friends, but 3 really close ones a good goal? Just wondering what you all thought. Also, if you are happy with your life- how many friends do you have? Thanks

I don't think there's some magic number, but sometimes when someone talks about having a really high number of friends (maybe 50+), I question how many of those are really friendships and how many are just casual acquaintances. There probably are limits on how many really close friends one person can handle, because you can't give that kind of attention and loyalty to everybody.

[veniqe]

Does siblings count? If so, then I've two quite cool friends :huge: They're twins. Other than that, I also perhaps have 5 or 6 close friends. The rest are acquaintances. I'm gonna work on getting some of the latter as friends. Wish me luck.

[pisces2473]

I say all of us QLCers should find a way to all meet up and have a huge party or something. haha That way...we know we'd all be around good friends. :huge:
We tried. QLCers don't really have the skill of commitment down pat yet.

[Honey418]

Im probably the odd man out here.....but I have about 15 people that I talk to regularly all week long that Im close to.
There are another 20 or so that sometimes I speak with during the week and sometimes have dinner or a drink with.
Then there even an addtional set of 10 people that come out and just party that I dont talk on the phone or Email on a very regular basis.

As for Myspace.....I have 108 friends listed...some of them are bands....maybe 10. The rest are all people that I see and talk to on a regular basis.

Its taken me a good 4 years to develop this group of people and my life in college was nothing like this, nor high school for that matter. When I first moved home in 2002, I didnt have any friends in the area......so that first year was tough, but I worked at it and am happy where I am now.

How do you do this? At the risk of sounding pathetic- how do you ask people (who have never hung out before) to come together to form a group of friends? What's you secret?