Being patient while dating someone...

[enigma]

So I decided to come to the new QLC relationship board for a bit of advice... I will try to be as specific and cohesive as I can...

So I've known this guy for almost two years... we dated briefly when we first met, but it was horrible timing for him. We took about 8 or so months apart before meeting up again. As before, we hit it off really well. We get along so well and are really, really attracted to each other. He was cautious about starting things up again with me, so we took things slow for the first 3 months and both became more 'invested' for the last 5 months.

We have definitely grown closer and I can tell he has definitely developed feelings for me. He is extremely caring, affectionate, and sweet to me. We are 'physical' but not intimate (meaning we are not having sex). I suppose I have been waiting for him to come out and say how he feels about me, but I know that he is definitely not the best communicator (when it comes to feelings). I know I can count on him any time I need him, and that he makes me a priority (after school that is).

Anyhow, the problem is he's still in college. Last spring his class load was manageable, but so far this semester he has been insanely busy. I know that he has only been eating, sleeping and breathing school. When he does have free time, he chooses to see me over his friends. I know he feels bad that he cannot offer me more time.

I think I really need to talk to him. I am willing to be patient and understanding with him, but I suppose I just want to know if its 'worth it'. I haven't met someone I've liked this much in a long time. And I know he feels the same way.

I know that he does make me a very high priority, but he just can't offer the full 'boyfriend' package right now. I'm not looking to get married any time soon, so the slow time line is definitely okay with me. I just don't want to 'waste' my time. So as much as I want to tell him "*hit or get off the pot," I know that he is truly doing his best right now.

So I guess my main question is, should I be patient for a bit longer and see how things go or should I talk to him?

[CTGirl]

Oh man, I am going through a situation that is almost exactly the same, but on a much lower level than yours.

I won't bore you with my details, but my opinion on this is that if you get an opportunity where you feel comfortable asking him, then go ahead and do it, but otherwise, wait it out, cuz you don't wanna make him feel pressured (sounds like he's got enough stress as it is).

It's great that he's clearly making you such a high priority, and that's really the key, so I wouldnt worry much about things if I were you.

[Winter Storm]

I'm in a similar situation in that, my guy works crazy hours and can't really give me the entire package like he'd like, but still wants to be with me and give what he can when he can. I went through a brief trip where I questioned whether I should enjoy what time and experiences I will have with him or chuck the whole thing and try and find a guy that can offer everything.

I decided whatever the outcome maybe down the line, the time spent with him will never be a waste for me. I'd rather enjoy him in the now, then throw away what could be, worrying about the future.

I think you have to decide what will ultimately make you happy, today and tomorrow, with no regrets. I know that if things ended with this guy tomorrow, I don't regret one minute with him cause we've had nothing but good times.

For some people, if you don't make the ultimate destination, then its not worth the journey along they way. For others the road along the way can still be worthwhile, even if they never get to the ultimate destination. You have to decide is the time and experiences with him still worth it if you may not get to the destination?

[Krishna]

I decided whatever the outcome maybe down the line, the time spent with him will never be a waste for me. I'd rather enjoy him in the now, then throw away what could be, worrying about the future.

I wish I had your positive attitude about my similar situation. I have a BF in college, he seems stuck there, and I'm constantly second guessing my decisions in regards to our relationship. LIke the OP, I'm not looking to get married now, but I'd love to know that it's an option. I'm having one of my crabby days where I feel like marriage will never come, and it's pissing me off.

[Winter Storm]

I wish I had your positive attitude about my similar situation. I have a BF in college, he seems stuck there, and I'm constantly second guessing my decisions in regards to our relationship. LIke the OP, I'm not looking to get married now, but I'd love to know that it's an option. I'm having one of my crabby days where I feel like marriage will never come, and it's pissing me off.

I know how you feel. I just look back at all the dating situations I've had that didn't go very far. I can't say I really regret any of them because something good did come from most of them in the form of good times. Most of those guys did fulfill something for me, no matter how brief it was.

I guess I look at it that way because when I look back on my last relationship, which lasted over 8 years and ended badly, looking back on it, it was a wonderful experience and I don't regret having him in my life. Didn't lead to marriage like we thought but it was still a great experience for me. Just cause we didn't hit the ultimate destination doesn't make the road along the way any less worthwhile.

[enigma]

I'm in a similar situation in that, my guy works crazy hours and can't really give me the entire package like he'd like, but still wants to be with me and give what he can when he can. I went through a brief trip where I questioned whether I should enjoy what time and experiences I will have with him or chuck the whole thing and try and find a guy that can offer everything.

I've been there several times with my guy. We just 'connect' so well. I think if I do end it, I would always wonder 'what if'. But I look forward to seeing him on the weekend, but he's always so busy with school. I went three weeks without seeing him and it was really hard on me. When we did see each other it was really fantastic, and I could tell that seeing me was the most fun he had during those three weeks.

We were supposed to get together last weekend for a nice dinner, but he had to cancel because he was busy with school. I got a few e-mails from him last weekend saying how much he was freaking out because he was so behind in school work.

Half of me believes that being understanding AND supportive is what you do when you care about someone. But the other half of me thinks that I deserve more (although I feel so incredibly selfish when I think of this).

[Winter Storm]

I've been there several times with my guy. We just 'connect' so well. I think if I do end it, I would always wonder 'what if'. But I look forward to seeing him on the weekend, but he's always so busy with school. I went three weeks without seeing him and it was really hard on me. When we did see each other it was really fantastic, and I could tell that seeing me was the most fun he had during those three weeks.

We were supposed to get together last weekend for a nice dinner, but he had to cancel because he was busy with school. I got a few e-mails from him last weekend saying how much he was freaking out because he was so behind in school work.

Half of me believes that being understanding AND supportive is what you do when you care about someone. But the other half of me thinks that I deserve more (although I feel so incredibly selfish when I think of this).

Wow, 3 weeks without seeing each other is tough. And I'm sure that amount of seperation makes you reconsider a lot of things.

I wish I had better advice.

[enigma]

Wow, 3 weeks without seeing each other is tough. And I'm sure that amount of seperation makes you reconsider a lot of things.

I wish I had better advice.

It was tough... but when we saw each other it was like no time had passed. On a funny note, he only thought it was a couple of weeks...

It does make me consider things... I started to pull away after the second full week and he was calling me A LOT that weekend. I wasn't really around so I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message so I just let it go. When I did speak to him he made a big deal about how he was trying to get a hold of me 'all weekend'.

I think part of the reason we go three weeks, is because we are trying to keep our 'dates' the same as before. We would usually spend a good portion of our weekends together. We have never, ever had a date that lasted less than 12 hours...

[Krishna]

I've been there several times with my guy. We just 'connect' so well. I think if I do end it, I would always wonder 'what if'. But I look forward to seeing him on the weekend, but he's always so busy with school. I went three weeks without seeing him and it was really hard on me. When we did see each other it was really fantastic, and I could tell that seeing me was the most fun he had during those three weeks.

We were supposed to get together last weekend for a nice dinner, but he had to cancel because he was busy with school. I got a few e-mails from him last weekend saying how much he was freaking out because he was so behind in school work.

Half of me believes that being understanding AND supportive is what you do when you care about someone. But the other half of me thinks that I deserve more (although I feel so incredibly selfish when I think of this).

I live in the same city as my guy (i.e. less than a 20 minute drive) and I still only see him once or twice every week or 2. I feel a little abandoned right now.

[enigma]

I met him for brunch this morning. Basically I told him that I understand that school is a priority, but that I need to know if he sees something happening with us. He said that he does, but that he doesn't have the time right now to move things forward. He said that he gets a lot of fufillment out of school and that it makes him feel like he 'belongs'. And that when we do spend time together, he really has a great time, but that he feels guilty about neglecting his studies. And that he doesn't want to cut any corners with school right now.

I was honest and said that I need more than that. And that I didn't want to waste my time if I was going to be on his backburner forever.

He said that he needs some time to think about what he wants his priorities to be right now. I know he doesn't want to lose me.

He said that his feelings have waned in the last month, but agreed that it probably had to do with the fact that we weren't spending any quality time together (like we did before). And that if we DID spend time together, things would go back to normal. BUT I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I think its just so hard because I care about him a lot, and we have such great times together.

I think it's just impossible sometimes to decide where to draw the line... when am I not being understanding enough about him being busy, and when do I just say that my needs are not being met...

[Winter Storm]

...when we do spend time together, he really has a great time, but that he feels guilty about neglecting his studies....
Wow! I can't imagine being that into school that I'd actully be thinking about it while on a date with someone I have feelings for. But then again, I've always HATED school.

Again, wish I had better advice but I guess it depends on how long you can go on dating like this. Keep us posted.

[wordsmith]

I can understand it, actually. I dated very little in college, and it's because I know myself and know how caught up in it I get when I'm all about somebody new. I don't do well splitting my attention and focusing on other things, I'm not good at balancing things out now, and I was far worse then. I didn't have the discipline at all at that time to split myself evenly between dating life and studies, and I couldn't afford to let my studies fall. I didn't have the kind of time to devote that I know, for me, dating somebody takes up. Everybody's different, some are better at balancing. I wasn't. So I do get it.

[enigma]

I didn't have the discipline at all at that time to split myself evenly between dating life and studies, and I couldn't afford to let my studies fall. I didn't have the kind of time to devote that I know, for me, dating somebody takes up. Everybody's different, some are better at balancing. I wasn't. So I do get it.

Yes, this is definitely how he is. I know he's really conflicted because of how much he DOES like me. But I do have to think about myself too... and I'm not sure I am okay with just seeing him once or so a month. I told him I didn't want to end up resenting him down the road.

I wish I knew what the 'right' thing to do was.

[wordsmith]

Remember when I was dating the single dad? Yeah, I decided I wasn't okay with just seeing him once or twice a month. So that was that. It took me a while for the threshold to be reached, though.

[enigma]

Remember when I was dating the single dad? Yeah, I decided I wasn't okay with just seeing him once or twice a month. So that was that. It took me a while for the threshold to be reached, though.

Yes I do. I think you understand then how hard it is to just turn around and walk away when you DO care about someone so much. It just seems like I've been 'waiting' forever for him to figure things out ... I've been so incredibly patient and understanding with him. Letting him work through all of his 'issues'. It think this once or twice a month thing was just the final straw. Especially when he said he wasn't sure when he could give more.... As much as I adore him, I couldn't help but think 'enough is enough'.

[wordsmith]

It's also hard not to be hurt when somebody won't/can't prioritize you the same way you're willing to prioritize him.

[enigma]

It's also hard not to be hurt when somebody won't/can't prioritize you the same way you're willing to prioritize him.

Exactly!

He e-mailed me last night with a present idea for my sister.... and complain about how much more work school has given him.

I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I know my family and friends want me to date someone else. Mostly because they can see how unhappy I get when I know I can't see him for several weeks. But I know that I'm the closest person to him, so it's hard to walk away from that. Especially after all the loss he's had since I've known him (mom & both grandparents dying of cancer, and his family moving to another state).

Wish I knew where to draw the line.