Getting involved with someone who plans on leaving the country?

[PVD99]

I am dating this really great guy and I like him a lot. However, he is leaving back to go to his home country in a year, and sounds pretty set on it. Should I just date him for now? I'm just scared because what if I let myself fall... and then he has to leave? Is it even worth getting myself into this?

I guess a lot can happen in a year, and maybe I shouldn't even be worrying yet.

[CTGirl]

Go ahead and date him, have fun, but keep in mind that it's temporary and you may never see him again after that. If you dont think that's something you'll be able to handle though, dont get involved.

[WorkInProgress]

I probably wouldn't, but that's me.

If you can keep it in the "for fun, for now" category, that's fine, but I can't compartmentalize like that.

[PVD99]

I guess sometimes I'm wishing that maybe he would say "come with me"... but that's the fairy tale. (plus we have only been hanging out for practically no time... it's just me thinking/analyzing/getting ahead of myself!) He told me I should come "visit" sometime.

[wordsmith]

Been there, done that, won't do it again.

My guy was military, and so there was no "come with me," and I wouldn't have gone to live in another country while he was on deployment anyway.

He was gone for two years, I planned to go visit and saved up to do so, but his hooking up with somebody else as soon as he got there, (and then proceeding to not tell me for six months' worth of correspondence that he was with somebody) kind of put that plan to a screeching halt. :rolleyes:

[PVD99]

This guy isn't in the military, he would be going back to his home country - which is on the other side of the globe, unfortunately.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, you mentioned that.

My guy basically spent all of his twenties and half his thirties in other countries. He's now, at 36, on his first domestic assignment that wasn't in Hawaii or Alaska since he enlisted at 18. He hasn't lived in the U.S. full-time since he was a high school student. When I met him, he was on leave between deployments.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, you mentioned that.

My guy basically spent all of his twenties and half his thirties in other countries. He's now, at 36, on his first domestic assignment that wasn't in Hawaii or Alaska since he enlisted at 18. He hasn't lived in the U.S. full-time since he was a high school student. When I met him, he was on leave between deployments.

Such is the life of a large number of servicemembers and their families. For most of my childhood, our "permanent" address was my paternal grandparents'.

[Winter Storm]

I'm going to give you the same response I gave enigma in her thread because I think it applies:

I'm in a similar situation...in that, my guy... can't really give me the entire package like he'd like, but still wants to be with me and give what he can when he can. I went through a brief trip where I questioned whether I should enjoy what time and experiences I will have with him or chuck the whole thing and try and find a guy that can offer everything.

I decided whatever the outcome maybe down the line, the time spent with him will never be a waste for me. I'd rather enjoy him in the now, then throw away what could be, worrying about the future.

I think you have to decide what will ultimately make you happy, today and tomorrow, with no regrets. I know that if things ended with this guy tomorrow, I don't regret one minute with him cause we've had nothing but good times.

For some people, if you don't make the ultimate destination, then its not worth the journey along they way. For others the road along the way can still be worthwhile, even if they never get to the ultimate destination. You have to decide is the time and experiences with him still worth it if you may not get to the destination?

[SmilesSoSweet]

My family fortunately didn't move much being that my dad was in the Navy. There were times he was only around for the weekends because he would drive out to his base on a Sunday night, stay at the barracks for the week and return home on Friday night.

I don't know if I could do a LTR. I did once and the guy only lived a six hour drive away. I don't think I could do that again.

[wordsmith]

Yup, he was in (in addition to Hawaii and Alaska), Germany, Austria, Kuwait, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, spent the most time in Australia (two consecutive four-year deployments, one in the outback, one in a city), and Spain before coming "home" to scenic...Dayton, OH. :neutral:

[WorkInProgress]

Yup, he was in (in addition to Hawaii and Alaska), Germany, Austria, Kuwait, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, spent the most time in Australia (two consecutive four-year deployments, one in the outback, one in a city), and Spain before coming "home" to scenic...Dayton, OH. :neutral:

I think a lot of people have a hard time adjusting to life like that. (A lot of kids do, and there's even a name for 'em: Third Culture Kids.)

[wordsmith]

Yeah, let's just say that living all over the world in an isolated bubble for his entire adulthood (to say nothing of the issues that go hand in hand often with military culture) has made this particular guy a real champ at interpersonal relationships. :rolleyes:

Hindsight being twenty-twenty, he's one of the only guys where if I could go back in time, I would NOT do it over. Major heartache. I'm actually not an anti LDR person, but I doubt I'll ever be in something that spans an ocean ever again, and I REALLY probably won't be involved with a military member ever again.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, let's just say that living all over the world in an isolated bubble for his entire adulthood (to say nothing of the issues that go hand in hand often with military culture) has made this particular guy a real champ at interpersonal relationships. :rolleyes:

Yeah, everything I've heard about him makes me think he's such a keeper.

[wordsmith]

He stops in at my work when he's home (his dad lives here), and also made sure I knew when he was moving "back" to the U.S. Whatever, buddy.

[elise9]

I agree with Winter Storm...
I had an amazing experience with a guy I met only two months before he had to go back home, and at the time thought - why not, just for fun. It turned out to be more than fun. It was deep and meaningful to me (and to him)- which may sound crazy in only two months - but I learned a lot about myself, realtionships, and what I want out of life by spending that time with him. It was hard when he left, but i have never regretted a moment spent with him.

[WorkInProgress]

Oh, for what it's worth: my parents were a "just for now, just for fun" relationship, and they've been married for over 25 years. Sometimes it does work out, but it's not something I would bet on.

[wordsmith]

I've learned the hard way that "just for now" means bigtime heartache for me later on, even if I "promise myself" I won't get attached (hah. hahahhahahahah.). Not how I'm wired, so I won't do it.

[PVD99]

Oh, for what it's worth: my parents were a "just for now, just for fun" relationship, and they've been married for over 25 years. Sometimes it does work out, but it's not something I would bet on.

But sometimes I wonder if "love" is enough for someone to say "come with me back to my country"... or if those things don't happen anymore.

[Winter Storm]

But sometimes I wonder if "love" is enough for someone to say "come with me back to my country"... or if those things don't happen anymore.

Would you actually go if he said that? I mean how serious are you two?

[WorkInProgress]

But sometimes I wonder if "love" is enough for someone to say "come with me back to my country"... or if those things don't happen anymore.

I don't know. I'm not convinved that "love" is ever enough. There's gotta be some followthrough and compromise, I think.

And, on a different note, I could move, and I think I could even be an ex patriate for someone, but I don't think I'll ever want to change my citizenship. Weird.

[PVD99]

We are not serious at all yet...I'm just thinking ahead but we both had a discussion that we kind of have very strong feelings so far. (could be just the excitement of the 'beginning")

I've just never met anyone like him before... it's kind of scary... :redface:

[elise9]

We are not serious at all yet...I'm just thinking ahead but we both had a discussion that we kind of have very strong feelings so far. (could be just the excitement of the 'beginning")

I've just never met anyone like him before... it's kind of scary... :redface:

I had this feeling about my SO (now fiance), and he's from another country. We have compromised our plans in that he will stay here longer than planned, we'll get married, and I'm prepared to move back with him, provided I have prepared myself to be able to get a job there, and with the knowledge that we will choose which place is best to live together after we have experienced both.
We were both nervous at the onset of our strong feelings for each other. Scared that we would be unwillingly speparated, but it's become so very real for both of us that the decisions about "do I go with him if he leaves" or "does he stay with me if I don't want to go", are not difficult.

[PVD99]

Elise - how far into the relationship did you start to have strong feelings?

So there never really was a question about you being together no matter what? Sometimes I wonder if some guys would just not let themselves get attached if they knew they were leaving... I don't even think guys really GET attached as much as girls.

[wordsmith]

Sometimes I wonder if some guys would just not let themselves get attached if they knew they were leaving... I don't even think guys really GET attached as much as girls.

I have loved probably two or three guys who have flat out told me the "wouldn't let themselves" get attached to me (distance a factor in all).

I don't know how that works. I can't prevent myself from getting attached if I'm into somebody. I wonder how it works, if it works, or if it's just denial.

[WorkInProgress]

I don't even think guys really GET attached as much as girls.

Maybe some guys. I know some that really get more attached than the girl.

[WorkInProgress]

I have loved probably two or three guys who have flat out told me the "wouldn't let themselves" get attached to me (distance a factor in all).

I don't know how that works. I can't prevent myself from getting attached if I'm into somebody. I wonder how it works, if it works, or if it's just denial.

I kinda think it's sorta denial. Like, if they tell themselves enough that they're not attached, then they aren't. Or, alternatively, they just aren't attached anyway (which I don't get...if you're indifferent, why are you dating me?).

It is, however, quite possible to just lock somebody out, emotionally. This happens all the time, and maybe that's what they mean?

[PVD99]

I don't know how that works. I can't prevent myself from getting attached if I'm into somebody. I wonder how it works, if it works, or if it's just denial.
__________________

Words - i have no clue. When I fall for guys, I usually fall really hard. I just can't really help it if I like someone a lot. Why deny yourself of that feeling? I just don't know how people can close themselves off emotionally like that... or if they really are just in denial.

[wordsmith]

It is, however, quite possible to just lock somebody out, emotionally. This happens all the time, and maybe that's what they mean?

I kind of assume this is what they mean, actually.

But, I don't get that, either, because I can't do it. Well, I can, but only if somebody betrays me. I couldn't emotionally lock out somebody I cared about simply because it was inconvenient, or some such. I don't even know how it works, I can't reason through my emotions in that way.

[wordsmith]

Words - i have no clue. When I fall for guys, I usually fall really hard. I just can't really help it if I like someone a lot. Why deny yourself of that feeling? I just don't know how people can close themselves off emotionally like that... or if they really are just in denial.

Well, it's not even a choice for me. I either feel a way or I don't. I can't just decide I'm NOT going to feel that way anymore. If I do, I do, nothing to be done about it.

[embrassezla]

Ironically, I got involved with someone who was on the verge of leaving his hometown right as I moved in. He stayed. :)

[PVD99]

^Wow... are you guys still together?

I think it's different though...because he will be going BACK to his hometown and not leaving it. So I would think it would be much easier to go back than leave.

[wordsmith]

I would absolutely stay in my hometown if somebody worthwhile moved in and we got together.

Honestly, the only thing unappealing to me about my hometown is the dating scene. Other than that, I love it.

[embrassezla]

^Wow... are you guys still together?
Yep! 3 years next week.

I think it's different though...because he will be going BACK to his hometown and not leaving it. So I would think it would be much easier to go back than leave.
Right, of course. But it was still hard for him because he has lived here his whole life and really wanted out. So he stayed, and now he's not ready to consider leaving again. I think he was going through a QLC, as it were, back then & he's since grown out of it.

[wordsmith]

But it was still hard for him because he has lived here his whole life and really wanted out.

Yeah, I can see that. I've gone and come back, myself. So the getting out thing is pretty satiated.

[elise9]

Elise - how far into the relationship did you start to have strong feelings?

So there never really was a question about you being together no matter what? Sometimes I wonder if some guys would just not let themselves get attached if they knew they were leaving... I don't even think guys really GET attached as much as girls.


I had stong feelings right away, only I didn't admit it to myself in the beginning since I've always been a cautious person with my feelings. It was hard to realize that I could really feel that way about a person I barely knew, and that the feelings were real.
There never was a question about being together, no. But again, we didn't face it right away. Of couse we both were wondering what the other person thought for a while, but we soon talked about it and realized we were both prepared to make sacrifices to stay together.
In our situation I'd say it was actually HIM who got the most attatched the most quickly - though he comes from a culture where it's acceptable for men to have and express strong feelings. He actually almost ended the realtionship at one point out of fear of getting hurt when/if he had to go home - which is what promted the need to be honest with ourselves and each other about what we were really feeling, and get it all in the open. From then on we've been totally solid.
I hope this helps - obviously everyone is different, but I certainly had to face my fears and my feelings a lot sooner than I would normally be comforatble with, but I don't regret a thing and it's turned into the best realtionship I've ever had.