Funeral Etiquette?

[tina1979]

A guy that I see up the bar all the time died this weekend. I wasn't really close to him, but I was friendly with him and I am rather close to alot of his friends. I didn't know his "real" family at all. (FYI: The bar is kind of like a mix between Cheers and this board. Everybody pretty much knows everybody and we work kind of like a dysfunctional family) Is it ok for me to go to the funeral if I didn't know his "real" family. I want to show my support to his family and his friends that were close to him (since I am friends with them as well). I've never really had to decide if I went to a funeral or not because it has always been someone in my family or that I have been close to..

[Kitty]

I definitly think it's OK - more than OK, really. It's very thoughtful and nice.

[mishl982]

I think it would mean a lot to his friends. Actually I think it would also mean a lot to his family despite not knowing them at all.

[winneythepooh7]

I think it would be appropriate if you went. Or are they having a wake? That may be a good choice for you to go to instead.

[tina1979]

they are having the viewing tomorrow, then the funeral is wednesday... then all of his bar friends are doing a memorial on sunday.

[WorkInProgress]

I definitly think it's OK - more than OK, really. It's very thoughtful and nice.
Agreed. I'd like it if it were my relative.

I like winney's thing about a wake, but I've never been to a reception without going to the service, so I'm not sure how that works.

[CTGirl]

I dont think anyone would ever give someone a hard time about going to a funeral for someone they didnt know that well. In my experience, the family usually feels better the more people there are at a funeral, it lets them see how loved the person was.

[winneythepooh7]

Is the wake the same thing as the viewing? Maybe I am confused with "terminology". But yeah, the viewing is what I was talking about. I know for certain family members who have died, hundreds of people showed up at the funeral home to pay their respects. Not as many people came to the cemetary for the funeral itself. The good thing about the "viewing" is often there are a couple, so sometimes you can go in the evening and not have to take off a day of work. (Just as an aside).

[tina1979]

I don't know if I will be going to any receptions, but the way this is going to work is...

tuesday you can "view" the body and talk to family and friends from 6-8p

wednesday they will have the actual service and then the procession to the actual burial site (the procession should be pretty impressive...he was a fireman and a biker so I am guessing it is going to be a fairly large procession)

then sunday we will all get together to talk about him and remember him.

I know that it is ok for me to go to the viewing, but I would really like to attend the actual funeral. I have a couple of friends who were very close to him. he was practically a second dad to them. I thought if nothing else I could be there for them. I just wasn't sure if it was "ok" to attend the actual funeral.

[MetFanL]

For acquaintances, I usually go to the wake and not the funeral, unless for some random reason I can't make it to the wake. If that's the case, I'll go to the funeral and not the cemetery or the reception afterward.

[CTGirl]

Yeah, if I were you, I'd go to the second and third things, but not the first. If you dont know his family, you may feel a bit awkward at the first thing.

[WorkInProgress]

Personally, I'd go to a viewing for someone who wasn't super close or a relative, but I don't think it's inappropriate to attend the funeral. Both are entirely acceptable ways to show your sympathy and support, as far as I understand.

Since he was so close to some of your close friends, going to the funeral to be supportive of them would be nice.

[wordsmith]

Wake, viewing, visitation, all the same thing.

The term "wake" comes from ancient cultures, where the tradition was to stay up all night with the family (and the body) the night before a funeral, in the deceased person's home...the idea was to keep watch over the body, and it evolved into a time of mourning and consolation. In parts of rural Ireland, they still do traditional wakes in the home, complete with lamentation songs.

I only really comfortable going to funerals of family and close friends, personally, but for acquaintances, I'd go to the wake.

[LaFille]

i think it all depends on your feeling toward the matter. going to the wake is definitely appropriate, i think, but i'm not quite sure about the funeral. this might sound bitchy, but i think some people attend funerals more to be showy and stuff than to be supportive to the family. but you actually did know the guy, so it really doesn't sound like you fall into that category.

[weary]

i guess i am the one with the different opinion, but i think it'd be more o-k to go to the funeral than a wake. maybe it's a cultural thing, but the wakes i've gone to were almost always family and very close friends, whereas the funeral was any and everybody.

whatever you choose, i think it's a very nice gesture that you are going. at one job i had a higher level boss who was pretty separate with her personal and professional lives lost her father. the entire department (40+ people) showed up at the funeral in support and she was so touched.

[pisces2473]

Yeah, I agree w/ Weary. At the wake, you have to visit with the family...and if you didn't know them well (or at all!) it could be really awkward. Whereas at a funeral, you don't have the whole meet 'n greet.

[wordsmith]

at one job i had a higher level boss who was pretty separate with her personal and professional lives lost her father. the entire department (40+ people) showed up at the funeral in support and she was so touched.

Our staff historian died this spring...she was close to 100 years old, and would come in every Thursday to type her column almost up until the end. We closed the office so we could go to her funeral, and I actually was asked by the family to give a eulogy.

[pisces2473]

When my former boss' father died this spring, we closed the store for the morning so that everyone could go to the funeral.

[weary]

so nice to hear about supportive workplaces! it's unfortunately a rare thing it seems...

[WorkInProgress]

so nice to hear about supportive workplaces! it's unfortunately a rare thing it seems...

It is nice...it's just beyond my scope of experience, since non-nuclear family members of coworkers don't seem to live in the area. Also not something we've had to deal with since I've been here (thank goodness). Most everyone seems to be a "transplant" here.

[tina1979]

Well, I did skip out on the wake. I'm not that great around ppl I don't know well so I stayed home.

I went to the funeral yesterday. It was beautiful. Standing room only. There were firefighters and bikers at everyturn. We actually out numbered the family members. They had bagpipes, and played his favorite songs. It was very emotionaly draining, but you get to see how much people touch others. It was refreshing.

I'm going to miss the begining of the memorial because they changed the day and I have something else to do, but I will be there to finish it off.

[weary]

good for you tina. sorry for your loss, but aren't you glad you went? funerals can be really beautiful, even w/ all the sadness.

[wordsmith]

I went a really long time without ever having a funeral to go to (lucky in some ways that as a kid, I never really lost anybody). But then a ton of them clumped at once when I was in early adulthood, and it's been a fairly steady stream ever since (mostly elderly relatives, at least, moreso than deaths that take you totally by surprise). I've decided that I really like the closure of funerals and memorial services, hard as they can be. They can be beautiful. One of the hardest things I've done is sing at my grandfather's funeral summer before last, with my sister and cousin. But I was glad I did it.

[pisces2473]

I've decided that I really like the closure of funerals and memorial services, hard as they can be. They can be beautiful.
Me too. I don't often tell people this, though, because many might find it really strange. I think it's because I've lost older, sicker, people...who needed to go.

[wordsmith]

Me too. I don't often tell people this, though, because many might find it really strange. I think it's because I've lost older, sicker, people...who needed to go.

Yeah, true. I've not had as many where it was a sudden loss, violent, unexpected deaths. A few auto accidents, younger people, and those aren't as serene of experiences...and I think that ones where I've said goodbye to somebody at the end of a long life CAN be more serene.

But even in the shocking, tragic ones, I still really find I benefit from the closure. I know people who are different and who just don't do funerals, but it's helpful to me to go through that finality...it helps me move along.

[asm198]

I've been to my share of funerals and visitations and, around here, they are very similar. The only difference is that there is music and someone speaks at the funeral, but they are always held at the funeral home.

When my dad unexpectedly died several years ago, some of my fraternity brothers came to the funeral. They stood in the back, but I was so touched that they would come and show their support. I don't really talk to them anymore, but it meant so much to me. They had never met my family, but they were there to give their condolences to me in person.

[tina1979]

At the funeral when people were asked to speak and share stories or memories, his aunt went up and she said how much it meant to her to meet all of his friends at the viewing and service. It made her feel better knowing that he had touched the lives of so many people and that so many people would miss him. It was a very touching moment.

I also found out that he was an organ donor. At his death, he saved 3 lives by providing his kidneys and liver.

[pisces2473]

some of my fraternity brothers came to the funeral
Aren't you a chick? :confused:

Do people besides Catholics have funerals at churches?

My uncle, who died in June, was an organ donor. His body had been pretty ravaged by cancer and chemo, but they were able to use his retinas. Someone can now see. :huge:

Jess, yeah, even when my uncle died, although he was so young and healthy until they found a brain tumor, it was HORRIBLY sad, but it was still very "good." I was a mess, I cried more for him than any other relative put together--and he wasn't even blood (he married my mom's sister) and he'd only been in the family about 7 years. We weren't super close. It was just the shock of seeing a life be totally GOOD one day and horrible the next...and we never thought he'd go this soon. We knew it was only a matter of time...but not THAT little of time. But even so, his memorial was beautiful and touching and even funny. He would have liked that.

[wordsmith]

asm was in a co-ed fraternal organization.

In terms of where funerals are, in all the traditions I know, they can be in a church or at a funeral home. I've seen them be in funeral homes when people didn't have a home church, or were far from their home church, when the home church was already booked and unavailable, etc.

[tina1979]

Do people besides Catholics have funerals at churches?
The service I went to was at a Baptist church. I have been to very few that were held at the funeral home.

[WorkInProgress]

In terms of where funerals are, in all the traditions I know, they can be in a church or at a funeral home. I've seen them be in funeral homes when people didn't have a home church, or were far from their home church, when the home church was already booked and unavailable, etc.

Exactly this. And some people prefer to have a service in a church, but some don't. Every viewing I've been to (not that many, thank goodness!) has been in a funeral home, even when the service is in the church or at the gravesite.

[tina1979]

Every viewing I've been to (not that many, thank goodness!) has been in a funeral home, even when the service is in the church or at the gravesite.
Thats pretty much the way it has been with me. They had this guys viewing and service at the church.

[pisces2473]

Thats pretty much the way it has been with me. They had this guys viewing and service at the church.
Wow a viewing at the church, too?

In my experience--wakes are at funeral homes and funerals are at churches. I have been to one funeral at a funeral home, only b/c the church didn't have AC and it was during this summer's NASTY heat wave.

[tina1979]

Wow a viewing at the church, too?

In my experience--wakes are at funeral homes and funerals are at churches. I have been to one funeral at a funeral home, only b/c the church didn't have AC and it was during this summer's NASTY heat wave.
Yep. I'm not sure why. I had to call the actual funeral home to find out the information, but the viewing and the srvice were held at the church...

[weary]

um...i've been to viewings and wakes at homes. not funeral homes, HOUSE homes. is that unusual?

i've been to them at funeral homes and churches too.

[tina1979]

um...i've been to viewings and wakes at homes. not funeral homes, HOUSE homes. is that unusual?

i've been to them at funeral homes and churches too.
I've never been to the wakes at homes, but I have heard of it.

[wordsmith]

um...i've been to viewings and wakes at homes. not funeral homes, HOUSE homes. is that unusual?

i've been to them at funeral homes and churches too.

Wakes were traditionally in homes. In Ireland, they still are, in the more
rural areas.

[pisces2473]

The Amish have theirs in homes, too.

[tina1979]

I think it would be a bit unnerving to have a wake in a house I lived in.

[WorkInProgress]

There's never really been enough room anywhere I've lived to have a viewing, with company. I'm not horribly opposed to the idea, but I've never experienced this. Post-funeral receptions at the house, yes, but never a viewing.

EDIT: I think I need to start taking notes so that whoever's planning my funeral knows what I want. :googly:

[SmilesSoSweet]

I think it would be a bit unnerving to have a wake in a house I lived in.

That's how it is in the Philippines. For my grandma and aunt, their caskets were in the house until the day of the mass and burial.

And our viewings aren't just a couple hours. When my grandpa passed away back in CA a few years ago, we had a twelve hour viewing on Saturday AND Sunday at the morturary. That's right 24 hours. It was more of a party with a lot of family and friends to celebrate his life and eat a lot of food that you have at these viewings.

That Sunday happened to be Superbowl Sunday that year and we actually had a TV in one of the rooms and had a pool going on too for the game. To us it was normal, but when I tell others about this, they think it's really weird. Culturally though, family and food are always around for events like this.

[tina1979]

That's how it is in the Philippines. For my grandma and aunt, their caskets were in the house until the day of the mass and burial.

And our viewings aren't just a couple hours. When my grandpa passed away back in CA a few years ago, we had a twelve hour viewing on Saturday AND Sunday at the morturary. That's right 24 hours. It was more of a party with a lot of family and friends to celebrate his life and eat a lot of food that you have at these viewings.

That Sunday happened to be Superbowl Sunday that year and we actually had a TV in one of the rooms and had a pool going on too for the game. To us it was normal, but when I tell others about this, they think it's really weird. Culturally though, family and food are always around for events like this.
I would be fine with something like that. I just have this thing where if you can't disprove something to me then there is a chance that I will believe in it. Sooo...I would be wierd about a lingering spirit in my house. Not that it would be a bad thing if that were true, but unnerving non-the-less

[SmilesSoSweet]

I would be fine with something like that. I just have this thing where if you can't disprove something to me then there is a chance that I will believe in it. Sooo...I would be wierd about a lingering spirit in my house. Not that it would be a bad thing if that were true, but unnerving non-the-less

Well when someone in our family dies, the day of and for nine days straight we have what is called Novena, where we pray the rosary. Then forty days after their death we have another prayer get together. Forty days after the death, supposedly is when their spirit goes to heaven.

I do like the fact that my family celebrates these cultural traditions not only for funerals, but for weddings and other things.

[tina1979]

Well when someone in our family dies, the day of and for nine days straight we have what is called Novena, where we pray the rosary. Then forty days after their death we have another prayer get together. Forty days after the death, supposedly is when their spirit goes to heaven.

I do like the fact that my family celebrates these cultural traditions not only for funerals, but for weddings and other things.
Thats a nice tradition. I like the thought of that.

my aunt's (uncle's ex-wife really)mother was full cherokee. when she died at home they wrapped her in a burial blanket and placed her on the highest spot in thier yard to help her spirit reach heaven. at her funeral they had a chief give a traditional cherokee prayer.