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View Full Version : To talk or just walk away??

musiclover
10-10-2006, 03:38 PM
At Blueyes suggestion, I took a weekend and thought about this relationship, or lack there of, in which I find myself after a year and a half. And, I am left with a question - when you see the root of a problem, do you confront it, put it out on the table and discuss, or do you accept it and walk away??

Looking back on how everything has changed with us, it all began when he started taking theater classes. Since he finished grad school and his long term relationship ended two and a half years ago, he hasn't had many friends that he hangs out with, other than me and his family. He wanted to enroll in this class, he told me, to meet some new people. He's now taking class twice a week, and hanging out with the group multiple times a week, going to shows that other classes put on. Every week, he and I would play in a basketball team, which he quit last week to spend more time with the group. He hardly ever goes to visit his family now. He's even started drinking as a result when he never has before and i know he can't handle alcohol at all. He calls these people friends, when I don't see that they are really his friends. They are each so self involved that they wouldn't walk across the street for him if he really needed them, but he thinks they are gold. When we go out, which is only once a week now at best, I've been having to pay b/c he's spending so much money on these classes and performances.

I love and care for him so much and can see how these classes are hurting him financially and taking away from the people who really care about him. But, I don't know if I should talk to him about this, or just walk away, deal with the hurt on my own and not say anything...
Kitty
10-10-2006, 03:51 PM
But, I don't know if I should talk to him about this, or just walk away, deal with the hurt on my own and not say anything...

You should talk to him.
WorkInProgress
10-10-2006, 03:56 PM
I'm confused. Would this talk be about the demise of your relationship, or about how his other "friends" aren't good for him?
Kitty
10-10-2006, 04:14 PM
I'm confused. Would this talk be about the demise of your relationship, or about how his other "friends" aren't good for him?

It seems to me she hasn't voiced anything to him regarding her feelings in this situation and that there's a problem.

Am I wrong?
winneythepooh7
10-10-2006, 04:21 PM
It sounds like he is at a crossroads in his life, and at a search for a new niche where he feels at home. I feel that you should certainly express your concerns, but be prepared that he may not listen or even see any of where you are coming from. I think people often break up because one or both people just change and realize they have nothing in common with each other anymore.
musiclover
10-10-2006, 04:21 PM
I'm confused. Would this talk be about the demise of your relationship, or about how his other "friends" aren't good for him?



I don't think I could come right out and tell him he's blind in thinking these people actually care about him. It would be about how his involvement in the theater program has totally changed our relationship. I question even having the talk because I feel that if he truely cared about me and our relationship, he would not let this program and these other people consume his life. He would work to create a balance or he would include me in the group...
WorkInProgress
10-10-2006, 04:23 PM
It seems to me she hasn't voiced anything to him regarding her feelings in this situation and that there's a problem.

Am I wrong?

No, that's definitely a problem. It's even more of a problem if it's been 1.5 years and communication hasn't been happening. I just don't understand what the situation is now.

If she and this guy are not together any more, what purpose is served by her talking to him about this stuff, besides maybe making her feel better? That may be reason enough to talk about it, but I'm not sure she's gonna get "closure" from it.

Considering how tight this guy seems to be with the new friends, bitching to him about them would alienate him more, no (even if there are perfectly legitimate, rational gripes)?

Am I making sense?
musiclover
10-10-2006, 04:24 PM
If she and this guy are not together any more, what purpose is served by her talking to him about this stuff, besides maybe making her feel better? That may be reason enough to talk about it, but I'm not sure she's gonna get "closure" from it.



We are still together.
WorkInProgress
10-10-2006, 04:26 PM
We are still together.
Then yeah, you really NEED to talk to him. ASAP.
Kitty
10-10-2006, 04:47 PM
I don't think I could come right out and tell him he's blind in thinking these people actually care about him. It would be about how his involvement in the theater program has totally changed our relationship. I question even having the talk because I feel that if he truely cared about me and our relationship, he would not let this program and these other people consume his life. He would work to create a balance or he would include me in the group...

He's not a MIND READER. If you are acting cool with it, why would he even think this is a problem?
CTGirl
10-10-2006, 04:50 PM
He's not a MIND READER. If you are acting cool with it, why would he even think this is a problem?

Exactly, if you have not said a word about the situation, he prolly thinks things are peachy, and has no idea how upset you are
musiclover
10-10-2006, 05:00 PM
Exactly, if you have not said a word about the situation, he prolly thinks things are peachy, and has no idea how upset you are


Maybe you're right.

I guess I can't stop thinking that if he cared about me, wouldn't he want to be spending some of that time with me.

And - would it be awkward to say - I'd like to join you and your theater friends some time when you all go out?
CTGirl
10-10-2006, 05:02 PM
Maybe you're right.

I guess I can't stop thinking that if he cared about me, wouldn't he want to be spending some of that time with me.

And - would it be awkward to say - I'd like to join you and your theater friends some time when you all go out?

Exactly. I know I get caught up in the "well he should..." thoughts, and I think we all do, but you really need to step back and look at things from his perspective too, and see that you may be expecting things from him that are just not reasonable.

Plus, open communication is always the best strategy.
Kitty
10-10-2006, 05:04 PM
I think there needs to be an even bigger talk than all these problems - a talk about communication.

You really shouldn't being feeling "awkward" or "confrontational" just talking about how his actions are making you feel and their affect on your relationship.
WorkInProgress
10-10-2006, 05:04 PM
And - would it be awkward to say - I'd like to join you and your theater friends some time when you all go out?

Why would it?

-So, whatcha doin' x day?

-Goin' to y place with the theater buds.

-Can I come? That sounds like fun!

If he says yes, then go. If he says no, then it's something to talk about.