Ex-boyfriend getting married on Sat.

[MandiAnn]

So, my exboyfriend is getting married this Saturday. Obviously, it still hurts-especially since after a four plus year relationship we have only been broken up a 1.5-I know that is a long time to be broken up-but pretty quick to be getting married-Anyways, so while I really want to just drink until I fall off a bar stool this weekend-my current boyfriend's parents are in town-so I will be spending the weekend with them. Oh goodness, how am I ever going to get through this weekend?

[KCboy]

you have a current boyfriend?

seems like that would be #1 on the list of ways to get over your ex.

does he know about these feelings?

[WorkInProgress]

It sounds like you're not over the ex. Good luck with the new bf's parents.

[MandiAnn]

I do really care about my current boyfriend. But I think a first love is a first love and part of me is never really going to get over it. Which makes this weekend extremely hard.

[pisces2473]

I was just going to post the exact same reply as PPs. You're with a new guy and crushed that your ex is getting married? Thaaaaats interesting.

[WorkInProgress]

I do really care about my current boyfriend. But I think a first love is a first love and part of me is never really going to get over it. Which makes this weekend extremely hard.

I don't understand. Perhaps it's due to our differing experiences.

[wordsmith]

You've posted before that you're not over this guy.

Hopefully him being permanently off the market (theoretically, anyway) will be enough to smack you into accepting reality and leaving the old stuff behind.

[pisces2473]

If you were over him enough to get a new boyfriend, you should be over him enough to deal with the fact that HE also moved on.

[MandiAnn]

Have you ever been in love and lost that relationship? I don't think the time vested really matters-but four years is a long time-and to see them move on and hear second hand about big things like marriage -it's difficult. Especially, since at one time (in my case) we were discussing our one day getting married. Maybe, it is different experiences or maybe it's me. I just have not gotten completely over it-and I don't think I will.

[Skyblade]

Hmm...yeah I kind of agree with the others. Even though it was a first love, you shouldn't be having such strong feelings about him getting married if you were truly over him.
I remember my first love started dating someone a month after we had broken up, as far as I know they are still together. It hurt so much for such a long time (about a year for me, the relationship I had w/ him was only 6 months, but thats how long it took for me to get over him). I didn't truly get over him until I no longer cared that he was with this other girl.

[wordsmith]

Also, what does your current BF think? If you're as ripped up as you seem, it seems likely that you're not hiding it well.

[WorkInProgress]

If you were over him enough to get a new boyfriend, you should be over him enough to deal with the fact that HE also moved on.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Not that you shouldn't be feeling a bit of disappointment, or whatever. But this sounds like waaaaaay more than a bit.

Does the current bf know?

EDIT: Man, I keep cross-posting today.

[wordsmith]

Have you ever been in love and lost that relationship? I don't think the time vested really matters-but four years is a long time-and to see them move on and hear second hand about big things like marriage -it's difficult. Especially, since at one time (in my case) we were discussing our one day getting married. Maybe, it is different experiences or maybe it's me. I just have not gotten completely over it-and I don't think I will.

I know I'll always have a soft spot and fondness for the first guy I really loved. I don't think that goes away. But it doesn't make me miserable, either, or cause me day to day pain, it's more like, wistful memories that pop up once in a while of being 18-19-20 and the person I was then, and how much I thought of him. But it's certainly not an all-consuming, heartache inducing, constant thing. That kind of thing should fade, or you're holding onto stuff way too tightly and not letting it die. Your reaction seems extreme.

[MandiAnn]

No my current boyfriend dosen't know-and I guess that is my quarter life crisis-everything in my life is great on paper-great job, great location, great family/friends, and wonderful boyfriend-however, this part of me still hurts-and I am trying to figure out if it will always hurt-I do love my current boyfriend I really do-he knows I was upset when I found out he was getting married I told him and was quite honest about it-he had a long term girlfriend before me and I think would be a little taken aback by it-I know not as much as I am about mine-I guess I just wonder did I do the right thing-am I in the right thing-that is my quarter life crisis. I know what is meant to be is meant to be -but it is hard to buy into that.

[pisces2473]

Breaking up with someone is causing your QLC? Wow. Have you considered talking with a professional?

[MandiAnn]

I guess I should metion that getting engadged some 7 months after our breaking up does not help-plus he is marrying a girl I never cared for while we were in college-even when we were dating. You could say it has been a huge ambition of hers to be with him.

[MandiAnn]

I think being concerned at 25 about what path your life is going down in terms of a relationship is valid for a QLC-I mean people stress out about living at home or not finding a job-well being with the right person for the rest of your life to me is as important in having the right job for the rest of my life.

[pisces2473]

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH damn. Yeah, that changes things a bit* there. But still, for this to be affecting your life THIS much, where you're doubting EVERYTHING, is a little strange.












*and I do mean a bit. Like a particle. A smidge.

[wordsmith]

I know this is gonna sound like I'm ganging up on you, but, here goes, anyway.

If you're still feeling competitive with somebody over your ex, you're probably not in a good place for a relationship of your own.

[MandiAnn]

It's not really competition-if it was-well she won. I guess it would be easier some how if it was someone I didn't know-but it is-and she is dreadful.

[pisces2473]

How long after breaking things off w/ the ex did you start seeing your current BF?

[MandiAnn]

around 8 months or so-while I care for him a great deal -it's far from being engadged already at that point

[pisces2473]

No, I'm not thinking about you and him getting engaged...I'm wondering if maybe you weren't mentally ready to be with someone after that breakup. Too soon?

[MandiAnn]

Maybe, I mean that is my concern-it's not just freaking out about my ex getting married-it's is my freaking about a concern about my current relationship-and if I ended this relationship-would I just freak out about it ending-so that is a lot of questions-but that is my problem. It's funny because I am so Alpha A, independent type girl-that it seemed like guys were the last of my concerns-but now it seems to be the biggest concern.

[Deni81]

I have to agree with everyone else. You might not be as over your ex-boyfriend as you previously thought. That is ok. It takes time to heal from a break up. I just found out a few weeks ago that my first love (who i dated for almost 4 years) is getting married. I felt nothing but genuine good wishes for him. While I always have a special place in my heart from him, I have moved on.

[Ciderhillnh]

Im going to disagree here.

When you love someone you love them, and even if you are over them there is a pang if they marry someone else if you spoke with them seriously about it. To me that means you REALLY did love the person. If you can just let them go and feel benign when they are with someone else, there are no feelings there.

I was invited to an ex's wedding last summer, we dated off and on for about a year, and I was no where near IN love with him, we were great friends when not dating anyway…..even then I got a pang that he was getting married and I just couldn’t attend.

I think mostly it comes from the fact THEY are getting married, THEY are on the track and all set….while Im still searching for it. That’s the part that hurts…..I wasn’t it for them, Im happy for them, BUT Im still off looking for it. That’s tough to see, no matter what.

I have an ex from high school and I know he is seriously happy and Im happy for him, BUT do I still feel a pang that he is getting married and Im not----sure. The older I get and the more I see these people getting married the more pangs I get and it does get me down. Luckily…my BF is caring and understanding enough to let me vent and he understands where Im coming from.

Just because you are dating someone new, doesnt mean you cant feel hurt about your ex. Your feelings are your feelings, at least you can identify how that makes you feel, and thus hopefully work through it.

[pisces2473]

Uhhh Cider, aren't you always saying you don't want to get married??????

[Ciderhillnh]

That is correct. But that doesnt mean I dont get pangs when I see my exs getting married.....just because you dont want something doesnt mean you cant feel something for it.

[CTGirl]

Im going to disagree here.

When you love someone you love them, and even if you are over them there is a pang if they marry someone else if you spoke with them seriously about it. To me that means you REALLY did love the person. If you can just let them go and feel benign when they are with someone else, there are no feelings there.


While I agree what some sort of "pang" would occur in this situation, what she's describing in this thread and her others, is something way more than that.

I'd feel a little weird inside if my bf from college (dated 4 years) was getting married, but I would have no where near the feelings that are being expressed here, and I'm single.

[WorkInProgress]

I'm thinking pangs are a bit different from wanting to drink the weekend away in utter misery.

[pisces2473]

That is correct. But that doesnt mean I dont get pangs when I see my exs getting married.....just because you dont want something doesnt mean you cant feel something for it.
But you're saying:

THEY are on the track and all set….while Im still searching for it.

and

The older I get and the more I see these people getting married the more pangs I get and it does get me down.


Searching for what? And why do people getting married get you down, when that's not what you want?

[J-girl]

I guess I should metion that getting engadged some 7 months after our breaking up does not help-plus he is marrying a girl I never cared for while we were in college-even when we were dating. You could say it has been a huge ambition of hers to be with him.


I know its hard to get over someone but it seems like you have some college feud going on with that chick. A wise person once told me - the best way to get over someone is to move on in your life.

I honestly dont think its fair to your current guy.

[Winter Storm]

MandiAnn,

Well, I know I can closely relate to your situtation. I was with my ex for over 8 years, we discussed marriage, kids, the house, the whole shebang, but he eventually decided I wasnt the one, I ended it and he then married another woman one year to the day that I broke up with him.

When I found out (which was only one year ago, ie, they've just had their 1st anniversary), I was crushed. I thought I was well past the whole situation, had been dating (unsuccessfully) the whole year but when I heard this news, it hit me like a mack truck. I became immediately depressed and it took awhile to shake it. In fact, one year later, i can now say I am over the whole situation but that relationship was such a huge part of my life that it was hard to stop feeling anything toward him.

It will take more time. I'm not sure what it the best thing to do regarding your current relationship, but I would push all tha old stuff out of tyour mind. There is a reason why you two ended and that chapter is closed. Keep reminding yourself that.

((((((((((hugs to you)))))))))))))))) and I hope it gets better. :)

[MandiAnn]

Winterstorm:

Thank you for your words. I think it is something so hard to relate to unless you have been through it. Did you ever find it weird that he moved on so quickly, I think that is the difficulty. I mean I think it's quick to get engadged after less than a year in normal circumstances but especially after getting out of a huge relationship. I guess it will just take more time than I thought it ever would. (Sigh)

[Winter Storm]

Winterstorm:

Thank you for your words. I think it is something so hard to relate to unless you have been through it. Did you ever find it weird that he moved on so quickly, I think that is the difficulty. I mean I think it's quick to get engadged after less than a year in normal circumstances but especially after getting out of a huge relationship. I guess it will just take more time than I thought it ever would. (Sigh)

Weird was not the word; I found it extremely painful, like a sharp knife peirced through the heart. This was the same guy that hunted me down, wooed me, fell madly in love with me, put me on a pedastal and was talking long-term plans from the jump and for years and I realized he had moved on emotionally and ended it, it was nothing short than a stomp on my heart to find out he'd put a ring on the girls finger only 6 months later and was proudly shouting out to people that he was getting married. It was also like a bullet through my chest knowing that he knew she was the one son as he met her, which was when he was still with me.

The minute I found out, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and the pain creeped up slowly and became sharper and sharper as the minutes went by. I slept maybe 15 minutes that whole night.

It wasn't weird, it was excrutiating. :sad: :sad: :sad:

[and1grad]

Im going to disagree here.

When you love someone you love them, and even if you are over them there is a pang if they marry someone else if you spoke with them seriously about it. To me that means you REALLY did love the person. If you can just let them go and feel benign when they are with someone else, there are no feelings there.

I was invited to an ex's wedding last summer, we dated off and on for about a year, and I was no where near IN love with him, we were great friends when not dating anyway…..even then I got a pang that he was getting married and I just couldn’t attend.

I think mostly it comes from the fact THEY are getting married, THEY are on the track and all set….while Im still searching for it. That’s the part that hurts…..I wasn’t it for them, Im happy for them, BUT Im still off looking for it. That’s tough to see, no matter what.

I have an ex from high school and I know he is seriously happy and Im happy for him, BUT do I still feel a pang that he is getting married and Im not----sure. The older I get and the more I see these people getting married the more pangs I get and it does get me down. Luckily…my BF is caring and understanding enough to let me vent and he understands where Im coming from.

Just because you are dating someone new, doesnt mean you cant feel hurt about your ex. Your feelings are your feelings, at least you can identify how that makes you feel, and thus hopefully work through it.
TOTALLY agree.

[Winter Storm]

Im going to disagree here.

When you love someone you love them, and even if you are over them there is a pang if they marry someone else if you spoke with them seriously about it. To me that means you REALLY did love the person. If you can just let them go and feel benign when they are with someone else, there are no feelings there.

I was invited to an ex's wedding last summer, we dated off and on for about a year, and I was no where near IN love with him, we were great friends when not dating anyway…..even then I got a pang that he was getting married and I just couldn’t attend.

I think mostly it comes from the fact THEY are getting married, THEY are on the track and all set….while Im still searching for it. That’s the part that hurts…..I wasn’t it for them, Im happy for them, BUT Im still off looking for it. That’s tough to see, no matter what.

I have an ex from high school and I know he is seriously happy and Im happy for him, BUT do I still feel a pang that he is getting married and Im not----sure. The older I get and the more I see these people getting married the more pangs I get and it does get me down. Luckily…my BF is caring and understanding enough to let me vent and he understands where Im coming from.

Just because you are dating someone new, doesnt mean you cant feel hurt about your ex. Your feelings are your feelings, at least you can identify how that makes you feel, and thus hopefully work through it.

I agree with some of this. It is also that this is proof positive that you definitely were NOT the one.

There was a guy that I dated on off with during college. He and I were crazy about each other literally within one hour of meeting. But we both had SOs at the time. We both surmised that we'd eventually end up together, but it didn't happen.

I later found out that he did in fact marry that girl. I wasn't so much hurt as just surprised and a little taken aback, that once again, it wasnt me. Despite those mutual feelings and prophesies that it would be me, it still wasn't to be.

...and my search still continues.

[wordsmith]

I've honestly never assumed that anybody I've dated entertained thoughts of marrying me...so it's safe to say I've never felt that slap in the face. Not at that level, anyway. I've felt slapped in the face at not being the one chosen...but not at not being the one chosen as a spouse.