money problems due to family situation...

[GreenwithEnvy]

The easiest way to explain this situation is to probably just give a 'timeline' of what happened that has led to my current situation...

February 2003 – I learn that my mom’s health problems are starting back up, but she is going to keep working

August 2003 – I start college and learn about a savings account that my grandfather, who passed away when I was in 6th grade, started for me. I withdraw approx. $2,000 for a semester and supplies at community college. I despise college with every fiber of my being. I make dean’s list, but feel as though I’m accomplishing nothing. I am depressed. School is taking up too much time and I have no time to write and barely any time to work, so my finances are suffering too.

February 2004 – Mom quits her job b/c of doctor’s advice and personal belief that it will make her feel better and be more relaxed. She is too sick to work but not sick enough to collect disability.

* at some point between February of 2004 and 2005, I decide that I do not want to go back to school. I am going to keep my job (sometimes 2 of them) and do whatever I can to pursue my writing career in an unconventional way.
Shortly after announcing my quitting school and Mom quitting her job, Mom ‘casually’ asks me ‘out of curiosity’ if I think I will be going back to school at any point in the future. I say no. She simply says ‘okay.’

June 2005 – Mom winds up in the hospital b/c of kidney failure. She spends a total of about 3 weeks there (in and out for various related things). She is now on regular dialysis, medication, and is on the list for a kidney transplant. She now qualifies for disability. When applying for disability, they discover that my younger sister was a minor when my mom initially quit her job, so they grant my sister $5,000.00. She adds this to her own college account, bringing the total up to around $16,000.00
After some quick calculating, I decide that after my semester of college and without the $5,000.00 bonus from social security, I have around $10,000.00 in my own school account. I start thinking that since I am not in school, maybe I could use the money towards writing supplies, contest entry fees, postage, creative writing classes, workshops, etc. I also figure that if I am ever in a financial emergency with my car or health care needs, I can use the fund. I also decide that if any of my writing work requires research by leaving the city or state, I could use the cash.
I hold off asking my parents about this b/c at that time, I was financially okay.

August 2004 – I decide to enter a writing contest by submitting two short stories. The total cost with fees and postage and what not come to around $50.00. I do not have an extra fifty lying around, so I ask my mom if I can dip into my savings account and put it towards this. She almost casually tells me that I don’t have that account anymore. I then learn that she and my dad ‘lived off of it’ over the past year.

Half of me understands what they did completely. The other half of me is furious. My blood is boiling. I won’t even go into the details as to what I could have used that money for, but the fact is that THEY DID NOT TELL ME!

I have missed out on A LOT of opportunites (writing, traveling, once in a lifetime things) b/c I wasn’t able to do it, financially. This money could have helped me out, I know it. And I’m not talking about buying designer clothes, a sports car, and traveling to Vegas to gamble. I’m talking about having a stable lifestyle and experiencing life enriching things.

And I know my parents didn’t go off and buy a sports car or go to Hawaii, but…it was MY MONEY. THEY DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME THEY WERE USING IT.

And now, two years later, my account is gone and we are still a one income family and we are JUST FINE. In fact, we went on vacation this summer. So…are they really trying to tell me that we wouldn’t have survived without my savings account?

I feel like a greedy little bitch when I get angry over this. But then part of me thinks I’m justified.

I don’t know how to feel or what to do about this situation, especially b/c I could really, REALLY use some extra cash for various things right now. I feel guilty asking my parents to help me out, but then again, I feel like they owe me.

I mean they did raise me and all that and I appreciate that to no end and I am thankful…but that $10,000.00 or so was MINE. I mean it was a GIFT. From my dead grandfather. And they took it without asking or telling me.

And now it’s gone.

What do I do??

[The X]

Parents stealing from their kids is messed up. My parents have done it to me and just thinking of it pisses me off.

I got in a car accident once and got some money from the other guy's insurance money, my dad got the money since my car insurance was with my parents. He ended up "living off it for a while" same as with you. Now I don't talk to my dad at all (not just for that but for him generally being an ass).

[WorkInProgress]

Yuck.

I can see how there would be hard feelings over this. And I do agree that the parents should have (at least) informed you about the money they used. (Mom was the other name on the account?) Have you told them how you feel about this situation? (Like sat down and have a real, if heated, discussion?) Do the parents support you now?

I don't know if there's anything you can (or should) do about it, besides totally separating your finances so crap like that can't happen again. (And that, I would do ASAP, if you haven't already.)

[GreenwithEnvy]

Yeah, my parents' names were on this account, only b/c I was, like, 2 when my pap started putting money into it. (and I didn't find out about it until I was 18).
I never thought to have the money transfered completely under my name b/c I never thought anything like this would come up.
And I do have my own savings and checking account now that is only under MY name...so this can't happen again...thank God!

[The X]

It's just so messed up that parents would do this, we're young and just starting our adult lives right? We need the money a hell of a lot more! Just ask us if you need the money (course if my parents asked me for money I'd say no because I need it more than them).

[CTGirl]

Yeah, my parents' names were on this account, only b/c I was, like, 2 when my pap started putting money into it. (and I didn't find out about it until I was 18).
I never thought to have the money transfered completely under my name b/c I never thought anything like this would come up.
And I do have my own savings and checking account now that is only under MY name...so this can't happen again...thank God!

That sucks, but its good that you've got it all in your name now so you wont have to deal with that nonsense again.

I wouldnt feel bad about asking them for money at this point if you need it. They owe you $10,000.

When we were growing up, my parents opened up a savings account for each of us, and it had their names on it to, but the way it was set up, they could only put money IN, not take money OUT, so it's a better situation (not that my parents would ever take money out of our accounts anyhow)

[WorkInProgress]

Maybe, in the course of a discussion about this with them, you could talk about maybe a repayment plan? Like a monthly amount (even if it's small) that they can write you a check for? Since they're comfortable enough for a vacation and all.

And yay for having your own financials separated from them.

[jrwilheim]

That sucks. Paying you back the $10,000 they lived off for a while should have been more important than an expensive vacation.

My parents did a similar thing with my savings account while I was in high school, but that was to pay MY school tuition, not for them to "live off of," and I was a minor at the time, so they were justified. It sucks that they did this to you as an adult.

My question in all of this: how did your parents have access to that savings account in the first place? I would have taken the money and put it into an account in my own name, which you can do as soon as you're 18 years old.

[PenforPrez]

I've got a similar problem. My mother always makes me sign a $20 check (sometimes more and out of my account that's in my name only) every week. When I ask what for, she gives me some vague excuse. I can't afford to give my mother $20 a week (I seriously can't, not if I EVER want to move out on my own), but I can't get her to stop. :sad:

It's not theft per se, but I'm at a loss on what to do.

Paul

[AshleyJordan]

My mother also drained my personal savings account when I was a minor, and took my sister's share of her inheritance from my grandmother. Both accounts were for college, and now we're up to our eyeballs in debt, and my parents see no problems, at all. Infuriating. I feel your pain, cause I'd like to think parents are naturally inclined to help their kids.

I do think it's a little bit different if it's just chipping in to pay for living expenses once you're an adult at home (sorry, Paul.)

[PenforPrez]

I do think it's a little bit different if it's just chipping in to pay for living expenses once you're an adult at home (sorry, Paul.)

It's not for living expenses, which I do chip in on. I have no problem with that. The money is so she can buy friggin lottery tickets! :googly: That I do object to.

[jrwilheim]

I've got a similar problem. My mother always makes me sign a $20 check (sometimes more and out of my account that's in my name only) every week. When I ask what for, she gives me some vague excuse. I can't afford to give my mother $20 a week (I seriously can't, not if I EVER want to move out on my own), but I can't get her to stop. :sad:

It's not theft per se, but I'm at a loss on what to do.

Paul

Tell your mother you want to know what it's for, and when you'll be reimbursed, and that otherwise you won't write the check. It's your money.

[AshleyJordan]

I dunno. Next time she asks for money, ask her what for, and see what happens.

I'd basically say what you just did, here, that if it's for food or bills or whatever, it's no big deal, but that you're not in a position to contribute for "frills" like lottery tickets! If they want you to be able to move out on your own, they should understand.

You could also just offer to take on a certain expense-- like "I'll pay for groceries," or "I'll take the electric bill," or whatever, and maybe she'll stop asking for random checks.

[PenforPrez]

I dunno. Next time she asks for money, ask her what for, and see what happens.

I always ask that, and she never gives me a straight answer.

You could also just offer to take on a certain expense-- like "I'll pay for groceries," or "I'll take the electric bill," or whatever, and maybe she'll stop asking for random checks.

I like this idea. Thanks. :)

[~flowerchild~]

I was in a wreck in college and my mom was supposed to have handled paying the hospital bill after the settlement came in and paid a credit card of with the rest.... about two weeks ago I got papers for both saying they were about to garnish my wages.... she told me she paid them and never did. When I confronted her she got mad and said it was my fault! I had been helping her out lately... I finally told her NO! I felt guilty for a while, but she's grown and if I can take care of myself there is no reason she can't do the same!

In my experiences I learned to keep your money to yourself, handle your own billls, never borrow from anyone and never loan money to anyone! EVER! Life will be so much more simple!

[shimma]

I've got a similar problem. My mother always makes me sign a $20 check (sometimes more and out of my account that's in my name only) every week. When I ask what for, she gives me some vague excuse. I can't afford to give my mother $20 a week (I seriously can't, not if I EVER want to move out on my own), but I can't get her to stop. :sad:

I hate to say this Paul, but if $20/week breaks the bank for you, you're nowehere near ready to move out with or without that extra $20.

And I agree, if that's all you have to pay for food/rent/utilities, that's a bargain.

[wordsmith]

If you're already paying for your living expenses, I see no reason why you should be under obligation to chip in additional money to fund your mom's gambling.

[GoogleGirl]

My parents set up a college savings account for me and my brother when we were young. By the time I was graduating h.s. there was no money in that account. I don't really complain about that though because my dad had no job for 2 years and my family (4 of us) had to live off my mom's teaching salary and apparently that savings account. I did not even know about the savings account until after all the money was depleted from it. go figure. It does suck when parents don't let you know when they are using your money (savings accounts and such). There really isn't much you could do about it. Maybe ask for the money back, but that is a lot of money for someone to pay back. I feel your pain on that one.