How to have conversations with girls? (Please help) [Archive]

MrNCG23

10-12-2006, 01:34 AM

vxmike

10-12-2006, 07:01 AM

Um well unless a girl is really shy it's not difficult to engage them in conversation. Women like to talk and if she's intererested in talking to you just let her lead the conversation for a while until it gets flowing better.

I used to think it was difficult too but now I can talk to all sorts of women easily in all situations. Hasn't gotten me any more success, but I think that's because I'm now seen as the "harmless non-sexual man" of sorts b/c I haven't had anything resembling a girlfriend or date in years.

dengeist

10-12-2006, 07:27 AM

Basically what he said. Don't overthink what you're going to say, just go with it. If you don't know what someone is talking about ask them to explain or give you more details.

The other day I heard someone use the analogy: pretend you have a grenade in your hand. When you see a girl that you're interested in someone pulled the pin. If you don't talk to them it'll explode!

From there, you can look and tell if they are interested in you. You'll never know until you try.

Krishna

10-12-2006, 08:30 AM

I like to talk about fashion and my miniture poodle.

Just kidding. Basically what everyone else said. :)

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 08:37 AM

Co-sign to what the others wrote. I think the key is not to psych yourself out. (Does the "grenade" visualization work? It seems like it could be effective.) I think I've talked about all kinds of things with guys I've liked. So basically, pick a topic. Any topic. And maybe have a spare or two, in case whatever the initial one is doesn't work.

The X

10-12-2006, 08:45 AM

Last weekend I went out to a bar with this girl I have a crush on, not a date, we're friends and my sister was supposed to go but she decided not to (maybe on purpose because she knows I like this girl we're friends with). Anyway it was torture because my conversation skills suck and I ruined any chance I had with her because she knows I'm boring. Talking sucks.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 08:54 AM

This is interesting to me, cuz I'm quite a talker, and I can usually carry on a conversation with just about anyone. Also, I've never really seen talking to a guy I like as any different than talking to the old lady behind me in the checkout line.

I have a couple male friends who just freeze up when talking to girls, but have no problem talking to me - if they could just view talking to any girl the way they view talking to me, they'd have a lot more success at it.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 09:55 AM

I have absolutely no problem making conversation with pretty much anybody, because I do it for a living.

Before I was a reporter, I could be awkward in conversations with people I didn't know. I had to get over it fast, through sheer force of will when I took the job. It carries over into social life. So, by that token, I feel like the only way to get more comfortable with making general conversation with anybody is to just force yourself to do it until it gets easier, and it will. It's a matter of practice and the natural comfort levels you attain through just doing something.

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 10:00 AM

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 10:05 AM

This is interesting to me, cuz I'm quite a talker, and I can usually carry on a conversation with just about anyone. Also, I've never really seen talking to a guy I like as any different than talking to the old lady behind me in the checkout line.

See, I can talk to pretty much anyone (I don't, always, but I can). I talk to fill up space, so it's pretty much guaranteed that as long as somebody's giving me any cues, they don't have to talk that much (although it would be nice if they did, because I don't really like talking to fill up space).

And, believe it or not, sorority recruitment was the best tool ever for me to learn to be able to make a conversation with anyone. Maybe not a great conversation, but something for at least 10 minutes. That's also why I'm such a fan of planning fallback conversation topics (my personal favorites: travel, books and movies).

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:07 AM

Really, any practice you can get helps, because the more comfortable and confident you'll be in pretty much any setting if you feel practiced and calm, rather than anxious when striking up a conversation.

The X

10-12-2006, 10:09 AM

Maybe practice a bit more? Maybe find somebody safe, like a plain old regular girl_friend.
Yeah that's right, it's just different when I'm interested in the girl, more than friends, like if it's just a girl_friend, I don't worry if I offend her and act natural you know, but then with a girl I like I watch my words too much.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:13 AM

You're just psyching yourself out, more than likely.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 10:16 AM

You're just psyching yourself out, more than likely.

Exactly, like I was saying, if you can just look at everyone the same, and not get so worried about what that person thinks of you, then it shouldnt be so scary.

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 10:17 AM

Yeah that's right, it's just different when I'm interested in the girl, more than friends, like if it's just a girl_friend, I don't worry if I offend her and act natural you know, but then with a girl I like I watch my words too much.

Ok then. Maybe something like speed dating could help. There's not enough time to get nervous, and even if you do, you move on to the next person in just a few minutes. Trial by fire? Yes. Good practice? Probably.

EDIT: You also wouldn't have time to get to liking them before you meet 'em. This seems to be a problem that you wouldn't have to deal with.

weary

10-12-2006, 10:19 AM

I'm not exactly shy, but I don't know what to talk about with girls. Really, my social conversational skills are seriously lacking. With guys, I'm not the best talker, but I can talk about finance, sports, technology, business ... however I really don't know how to connect with girls.
Girls out there: what do you talk about w/ guys who you are interested in?

Guys out there: how should I improve my conversational skills?

MrNCG23,

okay, i don't want to jump all over you but am i the only one who noticed this? um, hello, i'm a GIRL and guess what?...you can talk to me about finance, sports, technology, business! WOW! if you start talking to me about 'girl stuff' like what colour i'm going to get on my nails at my next pedicure or fashion or poodles, i'm probably going to either think you're gay or not at all interested in the things i am.

do i love sports? no...but i know some of them and am not opposed to talking about them. ditto for technology. i work in corporate america so biz, yeah. i am actually interested in finance too. you get the picture.

i think you're thinking about this too hard. don't put convo topics into girl and guy categories...just talk. if you have any sisters, female cousins or friends, ask them for help or talk to them more to try and get more comfortable just talking to girls in general. hell, even try with your mom if you can. yes, talking with a woman is diff from talking with a man...but it doesn't have to cause anxiety. it just takes practice. and the more you talk with girls you AREN'T interested in that way], the easier it will be when you try to with a girl you've got the hots for. ;-)

good luck.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 10:25 AM

okay, i don't want to jump all over you but am i the only one who noticed this? um, hello, i'm a GIRL and guess what?...you can talk to me about finance, sports, technology, business! WOW! if you start talking to me about 'girl stuff' like what colour i'm going to get on my nails at my next pedicure or fashion or poodles, i'm probably going to either think you're gay or not at all interested in the things i am.

Yeah, I noticed that too. This categorizing may be why you're having so much trouble. I never really think about conversation topis that I should or should not be discussing with people, I just let conversations flow where they will.

The point of a conversation with someone you've just met is to get to know them better and explore their interests, it seems weird to me to be thinking about topics to discuss in those situations, you're discussing one another, not random topics.

SmilesSoSweet

10-12-2006, 10:32 AM

okay, i don't want to jump all over you but am i the only one who noticed this? um, hello, i'm a GIRL and guess what?...you can talk to me about finance, sports, technology, business! WOW! if you start talking to me about 'girl stuff' like what colour i'm going to get on my nails at my next pedicure or fashion or poodles, i'm probably going to either think you're gay or not at all interested in the things i am.

I did notice this as well.

I actually know my sports pretty well. I talk about sports more than any girlie-girl thing. I talk about finances, technology and business too.

I tend to be shy at first, but really just get me talking and I'll talk. :)

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:39 AM

SmilesSoSweet

10-12-2006, 10:45 AM

I actually will probably NEVER bring up sports in a conversation, and really probably not business or finance, either. Technology, maybe, but nothing too indepth.

Those are matters of interest, though, not gender-based.

Yeah, I talk about sports mainly in the office with guys that know their sports. I also was my brother's "little brother" and he taught me all the sports I know today. I had no choice but to know them growing up.

LakeJay

10-12-2006, 10:51 AM

weary

10-12-2006, 10:51 AM

I actually will probably NEVER bring up sports in a conversation, and really probably not business or finance, either. Technology, maybe, but nothing too indepth.

Those are matters of interest, though, not gender-based.

my point exactly.

to the OP - think of it this way...most people that get into [good] relationships do so b/c they had a [more than just physical] connection with the person, yes? i mean, honestly, what do i want to talk to a guy about? the same things i talk to anyone else i'm friends with about. because i want to be comfortable with him, i want to have stimulating convos with him, i want him to be my boy_friend AND my boyfriend. if i could fall in love with a dude the way i'm in love with my best girlfriends and my mom i'd be in heaven. incredible friendship plus the bonus of even more intimacy? JACKPOT.

be yourself and talk about what interests you while being open to what interests the girl. don't try and set it up so you're feigning interest in what ever the chick likes. that's like an awful sitcom where the girl studies up on cars b/c the guy she's interested in has a souped-up monster vehicle and she thinks her car knowledge will impress him....only to find out he doesn't know jack about cars and just drives his b/c he thinks it impresses the ladies. nobody wins and it was a wasted date.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:54 AM

Conversations I have, with men or women, never really have topics per se. They just happen. It's never really broken up like the nightly news. I would talk about what's appropriate at the moment and then take it from there. Those topics will find their way into the conversation but don't expect it to work out per your "agenda". If you do find yourself having a difficult time thinking of anything to talk about, then maybe you can pull in one of the those topics but with reference to something current. Even she may not know about the subject, you can explain it to her.

Yeah, I'm not especially topical. The conversation wanders where it wanders, and jumping off points are often taken onto other things.

As you may have noticed, I'll willingly speak at length on pretty much anything and generally can come up with a lot to say.

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 10:55 AM

to the OP - think of it this way...most people that get into [good] relationships do so b/c they had a [more than just physical] connection with the person, yes? i mean, honestly, what do i want to talk to a guy about? the same things i talk to anyone else i'm friends with about. because i want to be comfortable with him, i want to have stimulating convos with him, i want him to be my boy_friend AND my boyfriend. if i could fall in love with a dude the way i'm in love with my best girlfriends and my mom i'd be in heaven. incredible friendship plus the bonus of even more intimacy? JACKPOT.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

WorkInProgress

10-12-2006, 10:56 AM

Yeah, I'm not especially topical. The conversation wanders where it wanders, and jumping off points are often taken onto other things.

As you may have noticed, I'll willingly speak at length on pretty much anything and generally can come up with a lot to say.

Um yeah. Just a little bit. :)

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:56 AM

I agree, and I think that's something that a lot of people just don't think about.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 10:57 AM

Um yeah. Just a little bit. :)

Know what it means? Dates with no awkward silences. Win-win.

BlueEyedFunOne

10-12-2006, 11:16 AM

With guys, I'm not the best talker, but I can talk about finance, sports, technology, business ... however I really don't know how to connect with girls.

Girls out there: what do you talk about w/ guys who you are interested in?

Who says that you can't talk about finance, sports, technology and business with girls? I, for one, would LOVE a guy to strike up a convo with me about the NFL or linux security :huge: You never know what people are into unless you ask.

asm198

10-12-2006, 11:25 AM

I'm a talker and can talk to pretty much anyone about pretty much anything. I usually start off conversations about something in the immediate environment, and if the person is interested in talking, we go from there. And I can usually keep a conversation going because I like to ask questions.

I used to be really shy about talking to strangers, then I got a job where I talked to people with wildly different backgrounds and jobs all day long, so I got over that fast.

cache

10-12-2006, 11:33 AM

I, for one, would LOVE a guy to strike up a convo with me about the NFL or linux security :huge: You never know what people are into unless you ask.

..I'm going to the grocery store tonight and starting every conversation with "So, how about that linux security?"

..we'll see if I can get any bites. :huge:

BlueEyedFunOne

10-12-2006, 11:35 AM

..I'm going to the grocery store tonight and starting every conversation with "So, how about that linux security?"

..we'll see if I can get any bites. :huge:

I hang out with lots of geeks, what can I say :huge:

dddork

10-12-2006, 11:37 AM

you wanna talk to girls.. they like to talk about drama.. so talk about relationship issues.. ask for advice.. about your best frnds.. girl friend being too obsessed about him and now he has no life.. i mean girls like that.. talk about grey's anatomy.. make some story up.. and why waste time talking when you could be doing other things with them..

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 11:39 AM

It's also a matter of being able to take social cues. Being a good conversationalist is just as much listening and being observant as it is being glib and able to comfortably converse on many topics. You have to pick up on how the conversation's going from the other person's end. If you launch in on an NFL discussion with me, if you're at all observant, you'll see that about 10 seconds in, if not much sooner, I have absolutely nothing to contribute and don't know what you're talking about...there are cues...blank looks, nodding but not really contributing, my outright saying, "I don't really know anything about footbal," hah. When this happens, it's okay to switch topics.

dddork

10-12-2006, 11:39 AM

or go watch... school for scoundrels..

and1grad

10-12-2006, 11:46 AM

And, believe it or not, sorority recruitment was the best tool ever for me to learn to be able to make a conversation with anyone. Maybe not a great conversation, but something for at least 10 minutes. That's also why I'm such a fan of planning fallback conversation topics (my personal favorites: travel, books and movies).
Similar to this, working in sales also helped me tremendously. I dont have any fallback topics but one thing I would suggest is to expand your topic range.

and1grad

10-12-2006, 11:51 AM

that's like an awful sitcom where the girl studies up on cars b/c the guy she's interested in has a souped-up monster vehicle and she thinks her car knowledge will impress him....only to find out he doesn't know jack about cars and just drives his b/c he thinks it impresses the ladies. nobody wins and it was a wasted date.
Ok Charles in Charge over here. ;) :razz:

KCboy

10-12-2006, 11:51 AM

I think it has less to do with women, more to do with beautiful women.

Beautiful women intimidate me, I assume they are not interested, so my throat closes and nothing interesting comes to mind.

but I'm getting better, slowly.

practice, practice, practice.

just start talking to people. I was forced to because I studied journalism in college, and they would just say "go talk to 30 peopl about [blank]".

It sucked at first, but you soon realize that the women who is sitting quietly, no expression, seemingly not interested in talking to anyone, immediately perks up, smiles, and is more than happy to talk once you say a couple words and flash a smile.

weary

10-12-2006, 11:54 AM

Ok Charles in Charge over here. ;) :razz:

ha. i was thinking more "growing pains"...but, yeah.

me, personally, i'm not studying squat unless I'M interested in it. and if someone who knows all about it can clue me in, all the better! i love to talk/listen/learn. :)

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 12:22 PM

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 12:23 PM

It seriously mystifies me that there's any way in which I might possibly come off as scary or intimidating. The posters who know me know this to be true.

Winter Storm

10-12-2006, 12:50 PM

It seriously mystifies me that there's any way in which I might possibly come off as scary or intimidating. The posters who know me know this to be true.

Same here. I think I am a very easy-going, easy to talk to chick. But that's all I hear is how I might intimidate. Whatever. :rolleyes:

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 12:51 PM

I have to think it's a lie.

rugbywing14

10-12-2006, 12:59 PM

just ask them questions eventually you'll hit on something that you're both interested in that you can talk about. Get her talking about herself all you have to do is listen and then you'll be all set after that.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 01:03 PM

And if you absolutely can't hit on any topics where you have any common interest...uh...good sign that you're not compatible, good to know.

and1grad

10-12-2006, 01:51 PM

I have to think it's a lie.
I think you ladies misunderstand what guys mean when they say they're intimidated. You act like we think you're gonna slap us around and take our wallet. Its the intimidation of talking to someone you're attracted to. Nobody's exempt from that.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 02:13 PM

I'm not talking about approaching new people generally being intimidating for some, that I understand. I'm talking about the times it's been said, to me, specifically, "You're probably single because you intimidate guys."

Sorry, but personally, I think "Guys find you intimidating" is a euphemism for "They're not into you." There is nothing intimidating about me.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 02:32 PM

I think you ladies misunderstand what guys mean when they say they're intimidated. You act like we think you're gonna slap us around and take our wallet. Its the intimidation of talking to someone you're attracted to. Nobody's exempt from that.

No, I get that, I don't think any of us were thinking that way. I think it's just hard for some of us to understand why guys find us intimidating, cuz obviously we don't feel that way about ourselves.

I've never had outside people tell me I'm intimidating, but I have had guys I'm dating tell me that they get really nervous around me, and I just find that to be silly, cuz from my persoective, I'm nothing to be getting nervous about.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 02:38 PM

The only thing I can figure (and obviously this won't apply to most of the rest of you b/c you live in places where this is a given) is that I'm educated and I don't dumb myself down. In most of the free world, this wouldn't even be expected. However, I live in a place where formal college-level education is not a given (though not incredibly rare), and blue collar, typically plainspoken types are the norm. Kind of a throwback in that way. Evidently, women who aren't educated/have the good graces to not sound educated if they are aren't intimidating...women who sound smart are.

I know, that seems stupid and antiquated to me, too, but I'm just calling a spade a spade. I can't think what else there is about me that would possibly be construed as intimidating by a given demographic.

KCboy

10-12-2006, 02:38 PM

It seriously mystifies me that there's any way in which I might possibly come off as scary or intimidating.

Flat-out approaching another person is intimidating, but guys rarely do that to other guys or women they don't find attractive, so the intimidation factor is saved only for the ones we do find attractive.

KCboy

10-12-2006, 02:45 PM

I have had guys I'm dating tell me that they get really nervous around me, and I just find that to be silly, cuz from my persoective, I'm nothing to be getting nervous about.

it's hard to explain, but deep down I kinda expect beautiful women to sort of laugh at me if they know I'm interested and they aren't.

maybe not to my face, but make quiet condescending remarks to their friends behind my back.

and I think they get hit on all the time, so they might be tired of it.

and realted to that point, I always expect them to have Adonis boyfriends that would whoop my ass if they knew my interest.

sounds dumb, but all combined they definitely influence your thoughts.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 02:52 PM

it's hard to explain, but deep down I kinda expect beautiful women to sort of laugh at me if they know I'm interested and they aren't.

maybe not to my face, but make quiet condescending remarks to their friends behind my back.

and I think they get hit on all the time, so they might be tired of it.

and realted to that point, I always expect them to have Adonis boyfriends that would whoop my ass if they knew my interest.

sounds dumb, but all combined they definitely influence your thoughts.

Aww, I can understand that, and you're certainly not alone there. I've been with a couple guys who at one point have said something along the lines of "what's a girl like you doing dating a guy like me" and while that's kinda flattering, it also has a negative affect on us when that's something that's on his mind a lot.

I guess the solution is to just convince yourself that that stuff is just not always gonna be the case.

and1grad

10-12-2006, 02:55 PM

I've never had outside people tell me I'm intimidating, but I have had guys I'm dating tell me that they get really nervous around me, and I just find that to be silly, cuz from my persoective, I'm nothing to be getting nervous about.
Isnt this exactly what I just finished explaining?

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 03:03 PM

Isnt this exactly what I just finished explaining?

Well, yeah, I guess, but I'm saying that I still find it silly when guys are nervous talking to me just cuz they find me attractive or whatever.

and1grad

10-12-2006, 03:14 PM

Well, yeah, I guess, but I'm saying that I still find it silly when guys are nervous talking to me just cuz they find me attractive or whatever.
Thats never happened to you? Even if it wasnt someone attractive but someone you were trying to impress?

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 03:23 PM

it's hard to explain, but deep down I kinda expect beautiful women to sort of laugh at me if they know I'm interested and they aren't.

maybe not to my face, but make quiet condescending remarks to their friends behind my back.

and I think they get hit on all the time, so they might be tired of it.

and realted to that point, I always expect them to have Adonis boyfriends that would whoop my ass if they knew my interest.

sounds dumb, but all combined they definitely influence your thoughts.

That explains beautiful women, fair enough.

But it doesn't anwer my question, either, because while I think I look fine, I'm certainly not, lookswise, of intimidating beauty. My looks are thoroughly accessible. So what gives?

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 03:25 PM

Thats never happened to you? Even if it wasnt someone attractive but someone you were trying to impress?

Well, I do freeze up whenever I try to talk to the water delivery boy, lol ;)

I guess it just seems silly when its ME that someone is intimidated by, that's all.

LaFille

10-12-2006, 03:36 PM

i think we all have the potential to make asses out of ourselves when talking to attractive members of the opposite sex. but if you have a sense of humor about it, i think that goes a long way.

the best way to make conversation with anyone is to find some common ground... which is why it's easier to talk to people you work with or went to school with.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 03:38 PM

i think we all have the potential to make asses out of ourselves when talking to attractive members of the opposite sex. but if you have a sense of humor about it, i think that goes a long way.

Agreed, and I think it's totally adorable when a guy tells me how nervous he is, even if I do think it's silly to be nervous about me.

cache

10-12-2006, 03:44 PM

but if you have a sense of humor about it, i think that goes a long way.

This is something that is important to me....I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from talking to someone...anyone...and said to myself "man, did I sound like an idiot there!" and laugh at myself...it happens everywhere...all the time...

I think it becomes an issue when someone starts to look at those situations as a personal failure. Just look at the US Space Shuttle program...some of the brightest engineers in the world work on those shuttles...and they are not always successful.

If NASA engineers fail regularly, what chance of perfection do I have with unrehearsed conversation?

LaFille

10-12-2006, 03:45 PM

Agreed, and I think it's totally adorable when a guy tells me how nervous he is, even if I do think it's silly to be nervous about me.

actually, i do know a guy who always tells me i make him nervous, but he does it with a huge grin on his face, and he's cute about it.

however, i would have to tell guys that if you don't think you can pull off this approach, it's probably not a good idea. i can see that being somewhat creepy :huge: the key is subtelty, i guess, and not being like 'you really FREAK me out' and having sweaty palms and a red face.

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 03:47 PM

the best way to make conversation with anyone is to find some common ground... which is why it's easier to talk to people you work with or went to school with.

Yes, and if you absolutely cannot seem to find common ground...newsflash...you're probably barking up the wrong tree.

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 03:58 PM

actually, i do know a guy who always tells me i make him nervous, but he does it with a huge grin on his face, and he's cute about it.

however, i would have to tell guys that if you don't think you can pull off this approach, it's probably not a good idea. i can see that being somewhat creepy :huge: the key is subtelty, i guess, and not being like 'you really FREAK me out' and having sweaty palms and a red face.

True, there's always a way to screw something up and look creepy instead of cute, lol

I met up with a guy at a bar once, and he kept chewing on the little straws, and then catching himself, taking it out of his mouth, and saying "oh, I'm sorry, I'm just kinda nervous" lol, he did this 2 or 3 times, and it was super cute.

The X

10-12-2006, 04:09 PM

LaFille

10-12-2006, 04:37 PM

I'll be talking to a girl, just regular talk, but in my head I'm thinking things like "AHHHH YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WILL YOU MARRY ME PLEASEEE I LOVE YOU"

You know things I shouldn't say. I think that makes it hard to concentrate, like having two conversations at once, and I end up making an ass of myself, and actually I have gotten the two conversations mixed up before.

haha really? that's cute, i thought only girls did that. heres my advice then: try to avoid proposing in the first 10 minutes of meeting :huge:

CTGirl

10-12-2006, 04:43 PM

I'll be talking to a girl, just regular talk, but in my head I'm thinking things like "AHHHH YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WILL YOU MARRY ME PLEASEEE I LOVE YOU"

You know things I shouldn't say. I think that makes it hard to concentrate, like having two conversations at once, and I end up making an ass of myself, and actually I have gotten the two conversations mixed up before.

Yeah, I wouldnt worry too much about that. Girls will usually find it cute if they like you, and if they dont they may not, but then who cares about those bitches :razz:

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 04:45 PM

MetFanL

10-12-2006, 04:49 PM

Yeah, I would totally find it cute.

Someone I spend a lot of time with said to me the other day (when I gave him some playful 'tude for not paying attention), "Sometimes, I just really like to LOOK at you."

It was adorable and its made me smile for days. :)

dengeist

10-12-2006, 04:53 PM

This is truth...if somebody's interested, any little dumb harmless thing you do isn't gonna dissuade them. If they're NOT interested, they're gonna look at the little dumb harmless stuff and use it as fodder to shoot you down. If the latter's the case, Eff That.

Yeah, I cosign that. That's the thing really, you can tell whether someone likes you or not with a few moments of meeting them. Chances are, they've made up their minds that fast.

I'm kind of generalizing, because some people really guard themselves and you can't tell what the hell they're thinking. It goes back to Junior High, when you plucked up enough courage to talk to a girl and then she laughed hysterically in your face, but not because she didn't like you but because you made her nervous. So sometimes that's a factor too. Sometimes women don't have anything to say because they're nervous too.

So, it's all your fault ladies for giving so many guys complexes!!!!!

KCboy

10-12-2006, 05:27 PM

wordsmith

10-12-2006, 06:09 PM

Now I just look at it kinda like a job interview. Searching for compatability.

Stop the presses...I agree with KCboy.

In my mind, job searches and looking for potential dating partners have so many close parallels, they're practically synonymous. It's all selling your best points, minimizing your worst, and putting your best foot forward to make the most favorable impression possible. But at the end of the day, fates/timing/random arbitrary crap can work against you, anyway, so you have to know you can only do so much.

asm198

10-12-2006, 06:22 PM

LaFille

10-12-2006, 11:47 PM

Now I just look at it kinda like a job interview. Searching for compatability.

I'm nervous, but I have to go through it to accomplish my goal.

If half way through it's going horrible, no common interests, etc, it probably wasn't the right one for me.

oh, honey, i hope you think it's more fun to date than to interview for a job though! if my someone told told me that our date was like a job interview, i'd feel terrible!

PenforPrez

10-12-2006, 11:57 PM

I agree with the comment about finding common ground. On the rare occassion I find myself adjacent to a potentially single female, it seems to work. Using one's surroundings always works as a good starter.

I was at the once every month or so show I go to in St. Louis a couple of weeks ago, had a young lady sitting next to me, and I started off by saying: "Have you been to the show before?" Found out from that question she lived in the neighborhood, and the conversation developed from there. :)

oh, honey, i hope you think it's more fun to date than to interview for a job though! if my someone told told me that our date was like a job interview, i'd feel terrible!

That would be a disturbing image. . . .

"So what kind of work do you do?"

"Well, as you can see from my resume, I've worked for Goodyear since 2003 in R&D. . . ."

:huge:

Paul

vivo

10-13-2006, 12:09 AM

talk in a southern accent and offer them grits and sweet tea. jk jk jk

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 08:55 AM

oh, honey, i hope you think it's more fun to date than to interview for a job though! if my someone told told me that our date was like a job interview, i'd feel terrible!

Ugh, I went on a date once that felt more like a job interview than a date. Luckily I got a really good dinner out of the deal, but needless to say, he did not receive a call for a second date.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 08:59 AM

Seriously, I feel identical when I go on a first date as when I go on a job interview.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 09:03 AM

Seriously, I feel identical when I go on a first date as when I go on a job interview.

I generally feel a lot more relaxed and have a lot more fun on a first date than I do on a job interview.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 09:07 AM

I generally feel more relaxed once I get prepped for most interviews than most people do, though. I actually am super confident interviewing. Anticipating them, I'm nervous, but I'm damned good at interviews, and I'm damned good at first dates.

I'm also a reporter, and interviewing people for work is very similar to dating in many ways, as well. Not in the sense that I'm attracted to people I interview (always, hah!), of course. But in the sense that the onus is on me to be smooth, confident, draw people out, learn about them, pay close attention, put my best foot forward, etc. in order to be successful.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 09:21 AM

I generally feel more relaxed once I get prepped for most interviews than most people do, though. I actually am super confident interviewing. Anticipating them, I'm nervous, but I'm damned good at interviews, and I'm damned good at first dates.

I definitely see where you're coming from with this, and I don't generally get too nervous in job interviews either, as I'm a rather confident person. Still, though, I think the difference for me is that in a job interview, I'm focused on making sure that they know all the good stuff about me, and I'm more focused on making a good impression. When I'm on a first date, it's cuz I already made a good first impression, so I'm more laid back about it, and not trying to push my positive qualities as much.

There's also more of a flow of conversation in a date rather than the question and answer of an interview. That date that I had that felt like an interview felt that way becuase the conversation didnt flow, it was just a series of questions and answers, which wasnt as fun.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 09:23 AM

Hah, I should also point out that it might be a reverse thing for me...not so much that I treat social things like reporter interviews, but that I treat reporter interviews like social things. I'm a pretty laid back interviewer, so the two end up being quite close.

KCboy

10-13-2006, 09:46 AM

oh, honey, i hope you think it's more fun to date than to interview for a job though! if my someone told told me that our date was like a job interview, i'd feel terrible!

no, dates are more fun.

I rarely have the chance for sex at the end of a job interview

but that interview comment was really just directed at the initial approach or first date

LaFille

10-13-2006, 01:25 PM

Ugh, I went on a date once that felt more like a job interview than a date. Luckily I got a really good dinner out of the deal, but needless to say, he did not receive a call for a second date.

i had one of these too. i'm very chatty and hate uncomfortable silences, and the guy was really nervous and quiet and shy, so i basically did all the talking and asked him tons of questions and stuff. then later i had to have the whole 'i don't think this is going to work out' talk, and he was like 'what?! but we had such a great conversation!' d'oh!

cache

10-13-2006, 01:34 PM

then later i had to have the whole 'i don't think this is going to work out' talk, and he was like 'what?! but we had such a great conversation!' d'oh!

And I've gotten "but you asked me so many questions, I thought you were interested in me?"

WorkInProgress

10-13-2006, 01:36 PM

And I've gotten "but you asked me so many questions, I thought you were interested in me?"

Ick. I hate that. Just because I'm filling the silence and trying to make a conversation happen doesn't mean that it was fun or effortless. Ugh.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 01:39 PM

i had one of these too. i'm very chatty and hate uncomfortable silences, and the guy was really nervous and quiet and shy, so i basically did all the talking and asked him tons of questions and stuff. then later i had to have the whole 'i don't think this is going to work out' talk, and he was like 'what?! but we had such a great conversation!' d'oh!

I dont usually get that from guys - I'm pretty open with my feelings, so when a date hasnt gone well, he generally knows it.

I do get the "give me one more chance" thing sometimes though, which has yet to be worth the time :googly:

LaFille

10-13-2006, 01:42 PM

I dont usually get that from guys - I'm pretty open with my feelings, so when a date hasnt gone well, he generally knows it.

I do get the "give me one more chance" thing sometimes though, which has yet to be worth the time :googly:

seriously, what does that even mean? if it's not there, it's not there! and if you have to beg for a second chance, it's most definitely not there.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 01:48 PM

seriously, what does that even mean? if it's not there, it's not there! and if you have to beg for a second chance, it's most definitely not there.

lol

Well the one guy who really tried that strategy kept trying to tell me that, because I made him so nervous, he hadnt really been himself around me, and he wanted me to give him the chance to really show his good qualities to me. This nonsense went on for a couple weeks, and although he was a really nice guy, I needed someone to be a bit more of a man than that ;)

LaFille

10-13-2006, 01:50 PM

lol

Well the one guy who really tried that strategy kept trying to tell me that, because I made him so nervous, he hadnt really been himself around me, and he wanted me to give him the chance to really show his good qualities to me. This nonsense went on for a couple weeks, and although he was a really nice guy, I needed someone to be a bit more of a man than that ;)

ha ha well my question to him is, why do you want to be around a girl who makes you so nervous you can't even be yourself?!?!

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 01:53 PM

ha ha well my question to him is, why do you want to be around a girl who makes you so nervous you can't even be yourself?!?!

My thoughts exactly. Man, you shoulda seen the emails I got from this guy. I kept them of course, and I was reading them to some guy friends of mine a little while back - had them rolling on the floor laughing.

Poor guy, I hope he's found a nice girl for himself now.

cache

10-13-2006, 01:57 PM

Poor guy, I hope he's found a nice girl for himself now.

Man, you're merciless.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 01:58 PM

Man, you're merciless.

I was being serious, he was a nice guy, so I genuinely hope he's found a girl who was more his speed.

weary

10-13-2006, 02:02 PM

you know what? i DO treat first dates like interviews - whether i was asked out or did the asking. maybe that's not the best approach, but i'm kind of over it ('it' being the just have fun for a while and see where it goes approach). getting to know people takes a lot of energy and effort, at least to me. if you know me, or if you read my response on winter's thread about friends (and my comment about selecting and keeping them), you'll know what i mean. at this age we all have a good amount of personal history already.

i tend to ask a ton of questions on the first date b/c i don't want to bother with going on 5 or 6 dates and have convos of little depth only to think i might really like a dude and later find out our fundamental beliefs/values are not the same. or that he's really just an ass underneath all that charm and only wanted to get the booty.

cache

10-13-2006, 02:05 PM

I was being serious, he was a nice guy, so I genuinely hope he's found a girl who was more his speed.

OK...good...because I read that previous comment connotation as "oops! I stepped on you - didn't see you lying there. bye" :green:

LaFille

10-13-2006, 02:06 PM

i tend to ask a ton of questions on the first date b/c i don't want to bother with going on 5 or 6 dates and have convos of little depth only to think i might really like a dude and later find out our fundamental beliefs/values are not the same. or that he's really just an ass underneath all that charm and only wanted to get the booty.

like what kinds of questions do you ask upfront? i like to think that i can 'read' people really well (i'm often wrong though :rolleyes: ) on first meeting. i like to see if there's chemistry first and then figure out what his values or beliefs are... but i'm also only 23 and not really taking dating that seriously.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 02:10 PM

you know what? i DO treat first dates like interviews - whether i was asked out or did the asking. maybe that's not the best approach, but i'm kind of over it ('it' being the just have fun for a while and see where it goes approach). getting to know people takes a lot of energy and effort, at least to me. if you know me, or if you read my response on winter's thread about friends (and my comment about selecting and keeping them), you'll know what i mean. at this age we all have a good amount of personal history already.

Same, and I'm quite interested in personal history (within reason, don't reveal your childhood traumas and scars to me over coffee on date one, being interested in you and being a therapist are two diff. things). I don't do so well with guys who are very guarded, though, admittedly.

i tend to ask a ton of questions on the first date b/c i don't want to bother with going on 5 or 6 dates and have convos of little depth only to think i might really like a dude and later find out our fundamental beliefs/values are not the same.

I ask tons of questions because I'm fundamentally incredibly curious and really am interested in knowing. I'm very candid, myself, so it comes naturally.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 02:20 PM

I tend to not ask a lot of questions of a guy. I also tend to be pretty good at reading people, and it's more his character, and the chemistry that I'm interested in than his background information.

weary

10-13-2006, 02:26 PM

like what kinds of questions do you ask upfront? i like to think that i can 'read' people really well (i'm often wrong though :rolleyes: ) on first meeting. i like to see if there's chemistry first and then figure out what his values or beliefs are... but i'm also only 23 and not really taking dating that seriously.

well it's not like i have a list and an application for them to fill out. but i'm naturally curious, so i ask a lot of questions in general conversation anyway. then, i also throw random questions at them that usually take them by surprise. it can really vary from questions about their culture, education, job, etc, to: "have you ever been with a man?". that gets a lot of interesting reactions.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 02:30 PM

to: "have you ever been with a man?". that gets a lot of interesting reactions.

In my experience, those types of questions are usually saved for a later time, and dont usually come out on a first date, lol

weary

10-13-2006, 02:44 PM

In my experience, those types of questions are usually saved for a later time, and dont usually come out on a first date, lol

well, yeah. i don't ask it all the time. but some of the reactions have let me know that a 2nd date was in no way needed...and everything else up to that point had been cool.

2 examples:

answer #1: "yes"
nuff said.

answer #2: "that's just gross. faggots are gross. why the f*ck would even say something like that to a man you're on a date with?"
tried to calm him down and have a civilized convo about it but it basically came out that he was a huge homophobe (as it the answer wasn't clue enough!) and had a bad temper to boot. um, good-night. don't call.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 02:46 PM

answer #2: "that's just gross. faggots are gross. why the f*ck would even say something like that to a man you're on a date with?"
tried to calm him down and have a civilized convo about it but it basically came out that he was a huge homophobe (as it the answer wasn't clue enough!) and had a bad temper to boot. um, good-night. don't call.

I don't ordinarily test these waters on a first date, but by the same token, I am AMAZED by the guys who will toss out a homophobic "harmless" comment to me when they don't even know me, my politics, my thoughts, etc. yet and have no idea how I might take that. I just have to shake my head that you could be so stupid and obnoxious.

weary

10-13-2006, 02:51 PM

I don't ordinarily test these waters on a first date, but by the same token, I am AMAZED by the guys who will toss out a homophobic "harmless" comment to me when they don't even know me, my politics, my thoughts, etc. yet and have no idea how I might take that. I just have to shake my head that you could be so stupid and obnoxious.

AMEN.

i actually don't like it when a guy cusses a lot around me at first either. i'm sure that's suprising to some folks, but i just don't like it.

"i want to be treated like a freaking lady!" LOL.

WorkInProgress

10-13-2006, 02:56 PM

Stuff like that makes me wonder, "This is your best version of yourself? Really?"

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 03:08 PM

Stuff like that makes me wonder, "This is your best version of yourself? Really?"

The fact that there are people who toss that stuff off literally without even thinking about it is what's unfathomable, to me.

cache

10-13-2006, 03:14 PM

i actually don't like it when a guy cusses a lot around me at first either. i'm sure that's suprising to some folks, but i just don't like it.

"i want to be treated like a freaking lady!" LOL.

LOL :huge:

and1grad

10-13-2006, 03:15 PM

"i want to be treated like a freaking lady!" LOL.
As long as he can "sit a cup on your..." GOODNESS!!! :evil: :lol:

weary

10-13-2006, 03:19 PM

As long as he can "sit a cup on your..." GOODNESS!!! :evil: :lol:

not if he can't beat me at hangman! [no science words allowed!] ;)

and1grad

10-13-2006, 03:24 PM

not if he can't beat me at hangman! [no science words allowed!] ;)
Remember the confused look on that dude's face when he saw that that was the answer? Good times.

weary

10-13-2006, 03:34 PM

Remember the confused look on that dude's face when he saw that that was the answer? Good times.

ya. it was dark in there, but i think i remember he may have blushed. LOL.

and1grad

10-13-2006, 04:45 PM

and I was reading them to some guy friends of mine a little while back - had them rolling on the floor laughing.
I wasnt gonna comment on this but it bothered me so much that I have to. This is so UNBELIEVABLY not cool. In fact, its unforgivable. I really dont even know what else to say.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 04:46 PM

I have to agree (don't have a heart attack, and1).

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 04:49 PM

I wasnt gonna comment on this but it bothered me so much that I have to. This is so UNBELIEVABLY not cool. In fact, its unforgivable. I really dont even know what else to say.

wow, I'm really sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal. The guy wrote me really wierd emails, so we had a good chuckle about them, I'm sure he would too if he went back and read them.

and1grad

10-13-2006, 04:52 PM

So you would be ok if someone was doing that to you?

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 04:57 PM

So you would be ok if someone was doing that to you?

Well I didn't really think I was doing anything TO anyone. Like I said, he was a really nice guy, and we weren't laughing at him, we were laughing at his goofy emails. If I wrote goofy emails to a guy, and he later went back and had a good laugh about them, I don't think I'd really be upset by that, but maybe I'm just a bitch. :redface:

weary

10-13-2006, 05:01 PM

Well I didn't really think I was doing anything TO anyone. Like I said, he was a really nice guy, and we weren't laughing at him, we were laughing at his goofy emails. If I wrote goofy emails to a guy, and he later went back and had a good laugh about them, I don't think I'd really be upset by that, but maybe I'm just a bitch. :redface:

um, NO! you ARE NOT.

i can see what and1's saying...probably b/c i would be mortified by someone sharing thoughts i had taken time to write (type) out with others for a laugh, but that's just me. (and i'm guessing maybe and1's take too.) but i still love ya! :)

besides...mama always told me, "if you don't want anyone to know, don't put it in print".

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 05:03 PM

i can see what and1's saying...probably b/c i would be mortified by someone sharing thoughts i had taken time to write (type) out with others for a laugh, but that's just me.

This is def. my thought.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 05:04 PM

um, NO! you ARE NOT.

i can see what and1's saying...probably b/c i would be mortified by someone sharing thoughts i had taken time to write (type) out with others for a laugh, but that's just me. (and i'm guessing maybe and1's take too.) but i still love ya! :)

besides...mama always told me, "if you don't want anyone to know, don't put it in print".

aww, thanks weary.

I do feel bad about it now that I'm kinda getting picked on about it, and I can see that I deserve that. I tend to be somewhat insensitive to the more thin-skinned people of the world, but I don't intend to be.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 05:06 PM

As a thin-skin, I'm not trying to pick on you...just noting that that would crush me.

WorkInProgress

10-13-2006, 05:07 PM

aww, thanks weary.

I do feel bad about it now that I'm kinda getting picked on about it, and I can see that I deserve that. I tend to be somewhat insensitive to the more thin-skinned people of the world, but I don't intend to be.

Well, feel bad now, get over it, and then don't do it again.

CTGirl

10-13-2006, 05:09 PM

Well, feel bad now, get over it, and then don't do it again.

Yes ma'am :redface:

WorkInProgress

10-13-2006, 05:13 PM

Yes ma'am :redface:
Sorry, wasn't going for that reaction, and not trying to be embarrassing about it. It's just that there's not much you can do about it now except move on.

and1grad

10-13-2006, 06:30 PM

What does it have to do with people being thin-skinned? I'm FAR from thin-skinned and I wouldnt do THAT to someone. Maybe you're just numb.

ScottyTheBody

10-13-2006, 06:58 PM

Yeah sorry I gotta agree that's a pretty low thing to do, I couldn't believe that you would do that (and some women wonder why some guys are so cold and don't share their feelings).

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 07:06 PM

Yeah sorry I gotta agree that's a pretty low thing to do, I couldn't believe that you would do that (and some women wonder why some guys are so cold and don't share their feelings).

But you can't honestly think that everyone would do that?

ScottyTheBody

10-13-2006, 07:10 PM

But you can't honestly think that everyone would do that?

Of course not.

But if he knew that this was going on or found out about it, I have no doubt that it would mess him up emotionally.

wordsmith

10-13-2006, 07:14 PM

Well, sure, nobody digs being mocked.

spiritedaway

10-13-2006, 08:37 PM

Really, just try to talk to girls like you're talking to a guy friend (or the way you would normally talk to other strangers). We don't bite.

I can understand that's it's not always easy to approach people, in general. I was hesitant in terms of not knowing how well I would be received, but it gets easier with practice.

And, any topics are up for grabs. My interests are finance and current events and I am very up-to-date on both. You'd be surprised by how interesting conversations can be started by something really simple.

Bman120

10-13-2006, 08:48 PM

The way I usually talk to girls is I start off by asking about them and don't talk much about myself unless asked.

I'll ask what she does, and go with where that leads ie does she like the job, does she see herself doing that for a while. That can be a lead in into what she likes to do in her spare time when she isnt working ie what books she reads if any, what kind of tv she watches, does she follow the news?

By asking questions, you can kinda gauge her interest by how detailed her answers are and if she asks you what you do. If she gives short answers and doesnt ask what you do, then that's an early sign to me that she may not be interested. But if she goes into some detail about herself then asks me about myself, that's a good sign that she is willing to talk.

Try and keep it light and into things that you know she can respond to. That way, if she is into you, you can keep the convo going for a bit then you can ask for the phone number if you feel that she is interested.

cache

10-14-2006, 09:05 AM

Well, sure, nobody digs being mocked.

I beg to differ with this statement. I handle most things in my life with laughter. I am not going to spend my life being upset or sad about things. If someone wants to mock me, good, I'm glad my words or behavior could provide them with some enjoyment. In fact, I would rather someone laugh at me than take me dead seriously. If I wrote something absurd but heartfelt to a woman and she mocked me to her friends, so be it(Actually, I wouldn't doubt that I have). Hopefully, I gave them a laugh, which lowered their blood pressure, which means they may live a few minutes longer because of improved cardiovascular health.

I can understand some people's sensitivity about this, but that is not everyone's perspective. Just as much as anyone can say that I am not being sensitive to other people, I can say the same thing that people are not being sensitive to the way that I use my emotions because I choose to laugh at most every situation.

CTGirl

10-15-2006, 01:24 AM

Yeah sorry I gotta agree that's a pretty low thing to do, I couldn't believe that you would do that (and some women wonder why some guys are so cold and don't share their feelings).

ouch guys!

I was very vague about the details of ths situation, and I know that my original post unintentionally came off as really harsh, but I think its a bit harsh for people to be jumping down my throat like this, and the inacurate things you are all saying (I never even said what these emails were about) are making the situation appear a lot worse than it actually was.

I said I was sorry, and that I can see now how my behavior could be seen as insensitive, what more do you want from me?

The X

10-16-2006, 10:40 AM

It's ok CTgirl, I already knew all girls are evil, so this comes as no surprise.

dddork

10-16-2006, 03:36 PM

what more do you want from me?

yeah.. I have a list.. lets start with.. I want food when I come home tonight.. besides that if you'd do laundry it be great.. and also.. while you are at it.. just the dishes... etc..

dddork

10-16-2006, 03:40 PM

oh and please don't forget the back rub.. I like that after a hard day of work.. and that will be it for now!

brightestblack

10-16-2006, 04:01 PM

well, yeah. i don't ask it all the time. but some of the reactions have let me know that a 2nd date was in no way needed...and everything else up to that point had been cool.

2 examples:

answer #1: "yes"
nuff said.

answer #2: "that's just gross. faggots are gross. why the f*ck would even say something like that to a man you're on a date with?"
tried to calm him down and have a civilized convo about it but it basically came out that he was a huge homophobe (as it the answer wasn't clue enough!) and had a bad temper to boot. um, good-night. don't call.

I think it was the third or fourth date but I asked if he had been with another guy... he said he's "experimented"

I thought it was interesting but... never bothered me. I never followed up on asking him anything more about (we were together for quite a while)... though I was curious. He's a very nice man anyway (friends now).