I Don't Like You

[weary]

okay, let me start by saying i know those aren't the nicest 4 words to say to somebody. but really, i really want to know...are they THAT hard to say? are people really that afraid of honesty and/or confrontation? here's the deal...

a GF of mine has probably called/emailed/texted/IMed me about this dude she's trying to break it off with at least 20 times in the last couple days. now, i use the term "breaking it off" loosely b/c they only dated for a couple months and it was not even exclusive - but whatever. the more she got to know him, the more she realized they were not a good match and so now she doesn't want to see him anymore. so she tries to tell him nicely that she's not interested in pursuing anything and he gives her all the lines about being friends, maybe a couple more dates/outings to see if they click, etc.

she pushed back but he keeps being persistent, keeps calling, trying to stay in there. she keeps calling ME with, "what should i do?", "what should i say?", "i don't want to be mean but i want him to get the picture/leave me alone", etc. i keep giving her the SAME friggin' advice and she's like, "oh, i don't want to be harsh. i don't want to be rude." WHAT. EVER. the truth hurts. and he obviously isn't going away easily. you tried the nice way. it didn't work. be direct and take the sugar-coating off now.

the way i see it, she's got 2 choices: ignore his attempts to get in touch and he'll eventually stop, or tell him straight up, "I DON'T LIKE YOU. GO AWAY. DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE." otherwise, she'll be stuck with him hanging on all for trying to be "nice". i agree with being nice, but i also think honesty is the best policy and sometimes you just have to be more direct and less nice to clearly get your point across.

somebody please tell me...am i being a total bitch about this or what?
be honest. ;)

[and1grad]

I agree with almost all of that. If someone's not getting it, being blunt should be fine. BUT, I dont agree with the "honesty is the best policy". Sometimes honesty is the WORST way to go. Just sayin. :)

[wordsmith]

I'm diplomatic, but I've been more inclined in recent years to just tell guys (as politely as possible), "I'm not feeling this," when I'm not. I believe in tact, politeness, and courtesy...but I'm not comfortable letting somebody who's overly and unwelcomely persistent just think that something's gonna go somewhere if it's not. That just snowballs into dread and uncomfortability over the long term.

I'm not comfortable laying it out as "I don't like you," though. It seems too harsh for my taste. "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested" is more my speed, and that's about as forceful as I get. Truth is never pleasant to hear if it's not the outcome you want, true, but direct doesn't always have to be rude, either.

[weary]

I agree with almost all of that. If someone's not getting it, being blunt should be fine. BUT, I dont agree with the "honesty is the best policy". Sometimes honesty is the WORST way to go. Just sayin. :)

please tell me WHEN? seriously! i really want to know...

(outside of telling my kid "it's beautiful" when he was a tiny tot bringing me scribble that he thought was top-notch art...i can't see a reason to lie.)

[wordsmith]

I think you can be diplomatic with wording without losing the truth of your statement, though. Delivery is everything sometimes. :)

[MetFanL]

She needs to tell him. Maybe not exactly as you worded it, but, yeah, it needs to be done.

"X, I'm just not interested in dating you anymore. You're a perfectly nice person, but it's just not working for me. I let it continue for months b/c I wasn't sure if stronger feelings might develop as time went on, but they really haven't. I'm not so good at staying friends with ex's and I hope you'll respect that. Good luck and I'm sorry if waiting so long to tell you just hurt you more. "

[weary]

I'm diplomatic, but I've been more inclined in recent years to just tell guys (as politely as possible), "I'm not feeling this," when I'm not. I believe in tact, politeness, and courtesy...but I'm not comfortable letting somebody who's overly and unwelcomely persistent just think that something's gonna go somewhere if it's not. That just snowballs into dread and uncomfortability over the long term.

I'm not comfortable laying it out as "I don't like you," though. It seems too harsh for my taste. "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested" is more my speed, and that's about as forceful as I get. Truth is never pleasant to hear if it's not the outcome you want, true, but direct doesn't always have to be rude, either.

i can totally feel you on that words. but when she's tried all the equivalents of "i'm sorry, but i'm not interested" and they haven't worked and he's STILL coming back...what else to do? maybe harsh is what he needs...i think.

[tina1979]

please tell me WHEN? seriously! i really want to know...

(outside of telling my kid "it's beautiful" when he was a tiny tot bringing me scibble that he thought was top-notch art...i can't see a reason to lie.)
you don't really have to lie... you just candy coat to make the pill easier to swallow. if that doesn't work then just give it to them straight out. My sister does what your friend does. she still talks to a guy via text that we have affectionatly dubbed psycho. :rolleyes: because he is so persistant. they live in different cities though so it doesn't bother her too much.

[CTGirl]

i can totally feel you on that words. but when she's tried all the equivalents of "i'm sorry, but i'm not interested" and they haven't worked and he's STILL coming back...what else to do? maybe harsh is what he needs...i think.

I agree, it seems to me that "I just don't like you" is needed here. Course, I'm a fan of blunt honesty, so others will prolly see this much differently.

This "nice" strategy is way over-rated in my opinion, and clearly is not working with this guy, so she need to just spell it out for him.

[wordsmith]

Honestly, if I've been nice but firm and somebody just isn't having it, just won't give up, I dodge them. I think it's clear if somebody says they're not interested, they're not interested, and persisting is just choosing to ignore that or be in denial.

I don't take their calls, I don't acknowledge them when I see them on the street, because they've made me uncomfortable with their persistence. They usually "get it" before too long when that occurs.

But if a guy is just NOT gonna take no for an answer, he's not gonna take "I DON'T LIKE YOU," any more seriously than "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." He'll still think he can wear you down. But not if you refuse to have anything to do with him.

[and1grad]

please tell me WHEN? seriously! i really want to know...

(outside of telling my kid "it's beautiful" when he was a tiny tot bringing me scibble that he thought was top-notch art...i can't see a reason to lie.)
Seriously? How bout:

I like your new hairdo.
That (food item) was delicious.
(Family Feud) Good answer!
No it really wasnt your fault.
I totally agree.
You dont remind me of your mom AT ALL.
Your friends are great.
I meant to call earlier.

The list is endless.

[tina1979]

But if a guy is just NOT gonna take no for an answer, he's not gonna take "I DON'T LIKE YOU," any more seriously than "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." He'll still think he can wear you down. But not if you refuse to have anything to do with him.
exactly.. i'm still gping through that with the guy I broke up with in december. because I am nice and answer his texts he thinks he can try to get involved with me again when he and his "soul mate" are on the rocks. After the comment he made 2 weeks ago. I'm not even answering his texts anymore.

[CTGirl]

Seriously? How bout:

I like your new hairdo.
That (food item) was delicious.
(Family Feud) Good answer!
No it really wasnt your fault.
I totally agree.
You dont remind me of your mom AT ALL.
Your friends are great.
I meant to call earlier.

The list is endless.

Ugh, I hate shit like that. If I ask you a question, it's cuz I want an honest answer, if I do the old "do I look fat in this?" for example, then I want the real answer, not the "nice" one :googly:

I also don't think it's a good idea to just avoid someone who think they have a chance with you, that doesnt seem fair.

Somtimes people (men especially, sorry) just need to be told what you're really thinking, people arent mindreaders, and they often misinterpret behaviors.

[weary]

okay, confession time. i wouldn't even have posted this little bit of stupid-a$$ drama if i hadn't BEEN a total bitch...

so, up through what i explained in my OP, i wouldn't say that i was...BUT, she called me again today and i kind of let her have it. here's the convo:

FRIEND: so, he called again today
WEARY: so?
FRIEND: he wants to go to dinner this weekend and i told him no but he's still pressing me to see him and i just don't know what to do
WEARY: [big sigh] do we really have to have this conversation AGAIN?
FRIEND: not everyone's as comfortable saying stuff like that as you are, weary
WEARY: i know. but how many people do you know who are comfortable dating someone they're not interested in anymore and really wish would go away?
FRIEND: point taken. so what do you think i should say?
WEARY: you know what? i love you, but you ARE NOT GETTING IT. i am not telling you the same thing i've told you the last 10 times you asked me that. you are making me almost as nuts as he is making YOU. i don't want to talk about this with you anymore. I DON'T LIKE YOU WHEN YOU ARE LIKE THIS.
FRIEND: WHAT?! f-uck you. (laughing) you can be so rude sometimes.
WEARY: i know, but it got your attention, right?
FRIEND: right. i'll talk to you later.
WEARY: bye. good luck getting rid of ________.

[CTGirl]

Ok, yeah, she is definitely not getting her message across to him :googly:

Girls are such a pain in the butt sometimes. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the complaints from the male's side of this nonsense. She needs to tell him what's up, cuz he has no idea.

[wordsmith]

Ugh, I hate shit like that. If I ask you a question, it's cuz I want an honest answer, if I do the old "do I look fat in this?" for example, then I want the real answer, not the "nice" one :googly:

I also don't think it's a good idea to just avoid someone who think they have a chance with you, that doesnt seem fair.

Somtimes people (men especially, sorry) just need to be told what you're really thinking, people arent mindreaders, and they often misinterpret behaviors.

How do you misinterpret somebody politely saying "I'm not interested?" Does the polite tone make it sound like "Please, take me out tonight?" I'm sorry, but you shouldn't HAVE TO scream "I DON'T LIKE YOU SO BACK THE F*CK OFF, GUY" in somebody's face. I think "misreading" is a copout in situations where somebody's told repeatedly and politely that it's not happening. I think that there are guys who will take advantage of the fact that it's intimidating/hard for many women to get in your face/be forceful, and figure you just won't do it, so you'll give them a shot just out of being too timid to tell them to back the hell off. And that's not right. It's manipulating through intimidation. I don't buy that they're so thick they just "don't get it" when you say "No thanks," in a polite manner. You shouldn't HAVE to be a bitch and nobody should force you into it. That's not fair.

[tina1979]

he probably just thinks she is playing hard to get at this point

[and1grad]

Ugh, I hate shit like that. If I ask you a question, it's cuz I want an honest answer, if I do the old "do I look fat in this?" for example, then I want the real answer, not the "nice" one :googly:
I guess the problem is that I plain just dont believe you. Odds are, you want the nice answer or you probably wouldnt have asked. The truth comes with consequences and sometimes I'm gonna have to decide whether or not its worth it.

[CTGirl]

I guess the problem is that I plain just dont believe you. Odds are, you want the nice answer or you probably wouldnt have asked. The truth comes with consequences and sometimes I'm gonna have to decide whether or not its worth it.

Well it's true, whether you believe me or not. I think I am rare in that sense, but I dont want to be coddled, I ask questions because I want an honest answer to my questions.

[weary]

Ugh, I hate shit like that. If I ask you a question, it's cuz I want an honest answer, if I do the old "do I look fat in this?" for example, then I want the real answer, not the "nice" one :googly:

THANK YOU CTGirl! my last BF and i were once getting ready to go to a wedding and i had on a dress i thought was H-O-T. when i asked him to zip me up he did, and turned me around for a look. he said, "it makes you look pudgy...it's not a good cut for you. i think you should wear the green one instead." i was VERY GRATEFUL for his input and changed. he changed his tie so we wouldn't clash and we were out the door. no problem! damn, i miss him sometimes...

[CTGirl]

How do you misinterpret somebody politely saying "I'm not interested?" Does the polite tone make it sound like "Please, take me out tonight?" I'm sorry, but you shouldn't HAVE TO scream "I DON'T LIKE YOU SO BACK THE F*CK OFF, GUY" in somebody's face. I think "misreading" is a copout in situations where somebody's told repeatedly and politely that it's not happening. I think that there are guys who will take advantage of the fact that it's intimidating/hard for many women to get in your face/be forceful, and figure you just won't do it, so you'll give them a shot just out of being too timid to tell them to back the hell off. And that's not right. It's manipulating through intimidation. I don't buy that they're so thick they just "don't get it" when you say "No thanks," in a polite manner. You shouldn't HAVE to be a bitch and nobody should force you into it. That's not fair.

I think it's prolly pretty rare for a guy to be that manipulative, but maybe I'm just being naive.

I think I have the opinion here that I do because I have a lot of male friends who complain a lot about not understanding what a girl really wants. To this guy, sure, she's telling him she's not interested, but isnt she still kinda ACTING like she's interested?

[CTGirl]

THANK YOU CTGirl! my last BF and i were once getting ready to go to a wedding and i had on a dress i thought was H-O-T. when i asked him to zip me up he did, and turned me around for a look. he said, "it makes you look pudgy...it's not a good cut for you. i think you should wear the green one instead." i was VERY GRATEFUL for his input and changed. he changed his tie so we wouldn't clash and we were out the door. no problem! damn, i miss him sometimes...

See? Thank you too! :razz:

[SmilesSoSweet]

I'd rather have someone tell me that they aren't interested in me anymore than not to say anything at all. Once you tell me that, I won't bother calling or trying to hang out again.

Also don't tell me that you're still interested when in fact you're not but you're just being nice and don't want to hurt my feelings. I hate that too.

Seriously how hard is it to say that and once it's said, the other person should know to back off.

I hate dating! LOL

[and1grad]

HA! I'm not saying I think its a rare thing for someone to actually appreciate the truth at times. I just dont believe its always, or even usually, the case...even with said person.

[wordsmith]

THANK YOU CTGirl! my last BF and i were once getting ready to go to a wedding and i had on a dress i thought was H-O-T. when i asked him to zip me up he did, and turned me around for a look. he said, "it makes you look pudgy...it's not a good cut for you. i think you should wear the green one instead." i was VERY GRATEFUL for his input and changed. he changed his tie so we wouldn't clash and we were out the door. no problem! damn, i miss him sometimes...

See, and I think that this is where we're not going to see eye to eye on approaches in situations like this.

I'm admittedly (very admittedly) thin-skinned, and traditionally "girly" when it comes to stuff like this. And most things, really.

Number one, in a sitch like the above, I'd more than likely never ask how I look in the first place, b/c I'm very critical of myself, and if I have a shred of a doubt about how nice something looks in a situation like that, I'm changing. So whatever I'm wearing, I obviously think it looks best, or it'd be off. So I wouldn't ask, and if there is a criticism in my guys head, if I didn't ask, he'd best not offer it up unsolicited. I wouldn't be grateful at all, I'd be hurt and feel like the guy was being critical.

If I did ask, I'd expect any comments to be made very, very, very tactfully. Why say, "You should change, you look fat in that," when it would be just as easy to say, "Why don't you wear that black dress instead, that looks AWESOME on you." Yes, I can read between the lines and know that if you're saying such and such that I'm not wearing looks awesome on me, you probably don't think that what I AM wearing looks awesome, I'm not a moron. But it's still easier to take when it's suggested in a complimentary fashion, than in a "That dress looks like a bag of ass" kinda way. Purpose still served, and I'll appreciate the tact oh so much more.

[weary]

okay, so maybe CTGirl and i are in the minority here. but a question asked is b/c i want the HONEST ANSWER!

and1...i am disappointed. the examples you gave are examples of why many gals (and guys) complain about game-playing. and i've had guys say the exact same thing, "i simply don't believe you".

WTF? if i say straight-up to a guy, "please don't BS me b/c i don't respond to that well when the [real] truth comes out and i surely won't BS you", and they do it anyway b/c they simply didn't believe my words to be genuine, it's U-G-L-Y. i don't care if it's telling me i look fat, i've gained weight, i don't smell so fresh, you're not into me anymore, or whatever not-so-nice thing it is to say...TELL ME THE TRUTH. i can handle it much better than being lied to and finding the truth out later and/or seeing very obvious actions that contradict the words that were said. i'm a big girl.

maybe that's just it though. maybe people sling all the "white lies" and duck sticky subjects b/c too many folks aren't "big girls"/"big boys" and act the fool when they have to deal with the harsh truth, even if they asked for it. and people wonder why there's so many bitter folks in the dating world... :googly:

[wordsmith]

I think it's prolly pretty rare for a guy to be that manipulative, but maybe I'm just being naive.

Oh, guys will guilt you for sure. And that's by all means a manipulation.

[MetFanL]

There is just a fine line w/ the sugar-coating. You just have to choose your words carefully b/c you don't want to leave any hope there for the other person. Because if it's there, they'll find it.

[wordsmith]

U-G-L-Y. i don't care if it's telling me i look fat, i've gained weight, i don't smell so fresh, you're not into me anymore, or whatever not-so-nice thing it is to say...TELL ME THE TRUTH. i can handle it much better than being lied to...

See, but you see not being bluntly told the truth as being lied to, whereas I see more tactfully phrasing things as more considerate of my feelings. But, I'm thin-skinned. That approach just fares better with me, and I appreciate it more than bluntness.

[and1grad]

maybe that's just it though. maybe people sling all the "white lies" and duck sticky subjects b/c too many folks aren't "big girls"/"big boys" and act the fool when they have to deal with the harsh truth, even if the asked for it. and people wonder why there's so many bitter folks in the dating world... :googly:
To some extent I think that IS what it is. Please believe I have NO PROBLEM telling you or anyone else what they dont want to hear and in a way they dont want to hear it. None whatsoever. The problem is that people too often ask a question they're not ready to hear the answer to and more often than not, its a girl asking that question and wanting the "right" answer. And for those people, I have a Costco-sized bottle of sugar to sweeten up whatever I say so that I can go about my day with LESS drama b/c of it. Dig?

[wordsmith]

Please believe I have NO PROBLEM telling you or anyone else what they dont want to hear and in a way they dont want to hear it. None whatsoever.

This is true...hear him out. :neutral:

And for those people, I have a Costco-sized bottle of sugar to sweeten up whatever I say so that I can go about my day with LESS drama b/c of it. Dig?

You do? ;) :huge:

[weary]

See, and I think that this is where we're not going to see eye to eye on approaches in situations like this.

I'm admittedly (very admittedly) thin-skinned, and traditionally "girly" when it comes to stuff like this. And most things, really.

Number one, in a sitch like the above, I'd more than likely never ask how I look in the first place, b/c if I'm very critical of myself, and if I have a shred of a doubt about how nice something looks in a situation like that, I'm changing. So whatever I'm wearing, I obviously think it looks best, or it'd be off. So I wouldn't ask, and if there is a criticism in my guys head, if I didn't ask, he'd best not offer it up unsolicited. I wouldn't be grateful at all, I'd be hurt and feel like the guy was being critical.

If I did ask, I'd expect any comments to be made very, very, very tactfully. Why say, "You should change, you look fat in that," when it would be just as easy to say, "Why don't you wear that black dress instead, that looks AWESOME on you." Yes, I can read between the lines and know that if you're saying such and such that I'm not wearing looks awesome on me, you probably don't think that what I AM wearing looks awesome, I'm not a moron. But it's still easier to take when it's suggested in a complimentary fashion, than in a "That dress looks like a bag of ass" kinda way. Purpose still served, and I'll appreciate the tact oh so much more.

oh words, i am sorry...i know your post wasn't meant to be funny it seriously made me L-O-L! yeah, we don't see eye to eye on this. but i can understand what you're saying/where you're coming from. and i'm necessarily saying i was someone to be rude/harsh to me...i'm not a masochist. but if i put it out there that i was the truth i basic, non-fluffy terms and someone chooses to still not give it to me b/c they think i was BS-ing, then it's a problem b/c i see that as downright disrespect.

i'd also see it as disrespect if dude had actually said something like, "that dress looks like a bag of ass"! LOL. but he knew that A) i'm already very sensitive about my hips/thighs/ass b/c i don't particularly like them B) i'd be mortified when/if the pictures came back and i indeed looked like a "bag of ass", and would have said something like "why didn't you TELL me i looked like that in that dress?!" but he was very respectful and said what i typed in my other post almost verbatim...which i don't think is so bad. but that's just me.

[CTGirl]

To some extent I think that IS what it is. Please believe I have NO PROBLEM telling you or anyone else what they dont want to hear and in a way they dont want to hear it. None whatsoever. The problem is that people too often ask a question they're not ready to hear the answer to and more often than not, its a girl asking that question and wanting the "right" answer. And for those people, I have a Costco-sized bottle of sugar to sweeten up whatever I say so that I can go about my day with LESS drama b/c of it. Dig?

I hear ya, and I get into trouble from time to time for telling people a truth they arent prepared to hear, but that's how I am, and there are just as many people who appreciate the honest truth, even when it hurts.

[asm198]

I had a friend who thought that if you were trying to be tactful, that you were lying. She honestly believed that the only way to tell the truth was to be as mean as possible about it.

In this case, she would tell the guy that there's not a chance in the world that she would be seen in public with him ever again and then go into great detail about every single flaw he had and every single reason she found him appalling. She's laugh in his face if he tried to change her mind. And she'd try her best to have this conversation in front of as many people as possible.

And she was like that with her friends as well. If she didn't like a shirt you were wearing, she'd critique your entire appearance, right down to the shade of lipgloss you were wearing. She wasn't always like that with her friends, but got progressively worse as time went on.

Now, I think that's completely overdoing the honesty/blunt thing. You can be honest and direct without being an ass about it.

[and1grad]

You do? ;) :huge:
Yup, those memberships come in handy sometimes.

[and1grad]

I had a friend who thought that if you were trying to be tactful, that you were lying. She honestly believed that the only way to tell the truth was to be as mean as possible about it.

In this case, she would tell the guy that there's not a chance in the world that she would be seen in public with him ever again and then go into great detail about every single flaw he had and every single reason she found him appalling. She's laugh in his face if he tried to change her mind. And she'd try her best to have this conversation in front of as many people as possible.

And she was like that with her friends as well. If she didn't like a shirt you were wearing, she'd critique your entire appearance, right down to the shade of lipgloss you were wearing. She wasn't always like that with her friends, but got progressively worse as time went on.

Now, I think that's completely overdoing the honesty/blunt thing. You can be honest and direct without being an ass about it.
Why would you be friends with this walking nightmare? I dont think I'd feel safe around this person even...just crossing the street, someone might recognize her and gun it.

[cache]

Ugh, I hate shit like that. If I ask you a question, it's cuz I want an honest answer, if I do the old "do I look fat in this?" for example, then I want the real answer, not the "nice" one :googly:

Thank you! and weary!

Several girls have broken up with me because of blunt honesty. I'm sorry, but if you want me to make you feel better about yourself, tell me...I'm pretty good with sweet talk. But if you ask me a quesiton, expect an honest answer. I sometimes feel like an old man because my attitude is always "that's what I think, who cares if it is polite, or if anyone agrees with me."

I think people create most drama in their lives because they won't be forward in the first place, and the crap just builds and builds and builds....it's difficult to resolve situations when the root cause is far in the past and should have long since been resolved...

[wordsmith]

I had a friend who thought that if you were trying to be tactful, that you were lying. She honestly believed that the only way to tell the truth was to be as mean as possible about it.

Gee, asm, was she an avid camper, perchance? :rolleyes:

[asm198]

Why would you be friends with this walking nightmare? I dont think I'd feel safe around this person even...just crossing the street, someone might recognize her and gun it.

For the first year of our friendship, she was blunt, but not cruel. Somewhere in year two of friendship, she decided that 'blunt' meant that she could be as mean as she possibly could. We stopped being friends a couple of months later and I am so glad for she's not my friend anymore. Drama city, she was.

[asm198]

Gee, asm, was she an avid camper, perchance? :rolleyes:

Heh. No, she wasn't the one I was thinking of, though that would apply. No, I'm talking about the real life friend that I spoke of often.

[wordsmith]

Thank you! and weary!

Several girls have broken up with me because of blunt honesty. I'm sorry, but if you want me to make you feel better about yourself, tell me...I'm pretty good with sweet talk. But if you ask me a quesiton, expect an honest answer. I sometimes feel like an old man because my attitude is always "that's what I think, who cares if it is polite, or if anyone agrees with me."

I think people create most drama in their lives because they won't be forward in the first place, and the crap just builds and builds and builds....it's difficult to resolve situations when the root cause is far in the past and should have long since been resolved...

Wel, I wouldn't have broken up with you...I wouldn't have started dating you in the first place, most likely. And, to be fair, you probably wouldn't be interested i nme, because people of your personality type are probably generally pretty annoyed by us sensitivos.

You've got your position that I'm sure you don't compromise on..I have mine, too, and it's that I expect tact and diplomacy from somebody I'm with. To me, it's like if you're not considerate of my feelings, that means you don't care. I'm sure you don't see it that way, but 'tis life.

[wordsmith]

Heh. No, she wasn't the one I was thinking of, though that would apply. No, I'm talking about the real life friend that I spoke of often.


heh. I figured, but I couldn't resist.

[asm198]

heh. I figured, but I couldn't resist.

Now that I think about it, they would be best of friends, I'm sure. There would probably be bloodshed.

[wordsmith]

oh words, i am sorry...i know your post wasn't meant to be funny it seriously made me L-O-L! yeah, we don't see eye to eye on this. but i can understand what you're saying/where you're coming from. and i'm necessarily saying i was someone to be rude/harsh to me...i'm not a masochist. but if i put it out there that i was the truth i basic, non-fluffy terms and someone chooses to still not give it to me b/c they think i was BS-ing, then it's a problem b/c i see that as downright disrespect.

i'd also see it as disrespect if dude had actually said something like, "that dress looks like a bag of ass"! LOL. but he knew that A) i'm already very sensitive about my hips/thighs/ass b/c i don't particularly like them B) i'd be mortified when/if the pictures came back and i indeed looked like a "bag of ass", and would have said something like "why didn't you TELL me i looked like that in that dress?!" but he was very respectful and said what i typed in my other post almost verbatim...which i don't think is so bad. but that's just me.

It's okay to think bag of ass is funny!

[CTGirl]

Thank you! and weary!

Several girls have broken up with me because of blunt honesty. I'm sorry, but if you want me to make you feel better about yourself, tell me...I'm pretty good with sweet talk. But if you ask me a quesiton, expect an honest answer. I sometimes feel like an old man because my attitude is always "that's what I think, who cares if it is polite, or if anyone agrees with me."

I think people create most drama in their lives because they won't be forward in the first place, and the crap just builds and builds and builds....it's difficult to resolve situations when the root cause is far in the past and should have long since been resolved...

You're very welcome :huge:

I can't stand drama, especially in a dating relationship, so I'm usually pretty clear about what I need and when, and when something is not cool with me, it's known. People just make things so hard sometimes :googly:

[cache]

Wel, I wouldn't have broken up with you...I wouldn't have started dating you in the first place, most likely. And, to be fair, you probably wouldn't be interested i nme, because people of your personality type are probably generally pretty annoyed by us sensitivos.

You've got your position that I'm sure you don't compromise on..I have mine, too, and it's that I expect tact and diplomacy from somebody I'm with. To me, it's like if you're not considerate of my feelings, that means you don't care. I'm sure you don't see it that way, but 'tis life.

Don't get me wrong...I try to be considerate of people's feelings, but I see quesitons such as "do I look fat in this" as self esteem issues, not politeness issues.

You're right, though, my life experiences have taught me that blunt honesty works best, and your life experiences tell you that diplomacy works best.

..oh, and one girl broke up with me because I wouldn't rescind my opinion about a new bedspread she bought. She told me if I told her I liked it, everything would be OK...good thing that only took up 3 months of my life :huge:

[Chameleon]

I kinda agree with wordsmith, the guy is taking advantage of the fact that weary's friend doesn't have the strength to simply say "No" and stick with it.

He's succeeding in talking weary's friend into having more dates with him even though she doesn't want to and he knows that if he persists, she'll eventually give in to him. Why should he stop asking her out when she keeps going out with him?

It's up to weary's friend to stop letting him talk her into meeting by simply saying "No", "I don't think that's a good idea" and/or "No, thank you" and don't get suckered into arguing about it. She doesn't necessarily have to be mean, just say "No" and mean it for once.

[CTGirl]

..oh, and one girl broke up with me because I wouldn't rescind my opinion about a new bedspread she bought. She told me if I told her I liked it, everything would be OK...good thing that only took up 3 months of my life :huge:

LOL, wow, crazy much?

Interestingly, I've never had a guy have any problem with my honest approach to dating......

[coll214]

You're very welcome :huge:

I can't stand drama, especially in a dating relationship, so I'm usually pretty clear about what I need and when, and when something is not cool with me, it's known. People just make things so hard sometimes :googly:
Oddly enough, I take this approach in relationships as well, despite being rather thin-skinned at times. If something is pissing me off, I just don't hide it well. And if the dude knows me, he should be able to tell I'm not happy. Of course sometimes people see someone whose letting their feeling be known as also being too 'sensitive' :googly:.

As for the OP, ha, i'm in a similiar situation. I legitimately tried being friends with the dude but it was abundantly clear that wasn't exactly his angle. I've tried being blunt that a relationship ain't gonna happen, ignoring the phone calls/emails, etc. and without fail every month or so he pops up. I haven't come right out and said don't contact me ever again, though it may be what's needed...

[wordsmith]

Don't get me wrong...I try to be considerate of people's feelings, but I see quesitons such as "do I look fat in this" as self esteem issues, not politeness issues.

I agree, and would NOT ever ask, "Do I look fat in this?" because I KNOW I don't want to hear the answer. If I look fat, trust me, it ain't lost on me. I don't need somebody who supposedly cares about my feelings to tell me so if that's the case. So I wouldn't ask. I don't think it's EVER polite to tell somebody they look fat. It's just not necessary.

[wordsmith]

LOL, wow, crazy much?

Interestingly, I've never had a guy have any problem with my honest approach to dating......

Probably because most guys are rarely as openly sensitive as some women.

[and1grad]

I agree, and would NOT ever ask, "Do I look fat in this?" because I KNOW I don't want to hear the answer. If I look fat, trust me, it ain't lost on me. I don't need somebody who supposedly cares about my feelings to tell me so if that's the case. So I wouldn't ask. I don't think it's EVER polite to tell somebody they look fat. It's just not necessary.
Would it be ok to say "You look thoroughly accessible."? :razz: :evil:

[cache]

LOL, wow, crazy much?

Sadly, she's not even near the top of the list of of crazy breakups for me


...but like I mentioned in another thread....I can only sit here and laugh...at myself...at those occurances...

[CTGirl]

Sadly, she's not even near the top of the list of of crazy breakups for me


...but like I mentioned in another thread....I can only sit here and laugh...at myself...at those occurances...

Wow, I date commitment-phobes myself, not crazies, although it seems like the crazies might be more fun.......

[weary]

okay words, help me understand this though.

really, some of my GFs and i have this joke. when we are out and see someone (usually a woman) who is completely inappropriately dressed (whether it's the attire for the particular occasion, her ass and thong are bulging over the top of her pants, her dress is 2 sizes too small, her hair looks crazy or whatever), we'll say to eachother, "her friend does not care about her". the joke is that their friend (male or female) that they're with did not care enough to tell them they did not look right when they were on their way out the door and everyone else can see it.

i know, that's not nice...and we DON'T say it loud or to the person. but that's beside my point. wouldn't you prefer to hear it if you honestly - for whatever reason - missed it yourself, from someone who cared about you and how you'd feel if once out, you got all kinds of odd looks b/c of your attire (or whatever it was that was brought to your attention as not looking so hot)? i know if someone tells me and it's not b/c of their own personal taste, but they're trying to help me out, i appreciate it. sure, it might bother me a little bit. but not as much as a whole party gawking at my ass. just saying...

[cache]

Wow, I date commitment-phobes myself, not crazies, although it seems like the crazies might be more fun.......

No, don't say that! Please! At least you know what is wrong with the person...I;ve never gotten the benefit of a post-relationship mental evaluation of an ex. :huge:

[wordsmith]

okay words, help me understand this though.

really, some of my GFs and i have this joke. when we are out and see someone (usually a woman) who is completely inappropriately dressed (whether it's the attire for the particular occasion, her ass and thong are bulging over the top of her pants, her dress is 2 sizes too small, her hair looks crazy or whatever), we'll say to eachother, "her friend does not care about her". the joke is that their friend (male or female) that they're with did not care enough to tell them they did not look right when they were on their way out the door and everyone else can see it.

i know, that's not nice...and we DON'T say it loud or to the person. but that's beside my point. wouldn't you prefer to hear it if you honestly - for whatever reason - missed it yourself, from someone who cared about you and how you'd feel if once out, you got all kinds of odd looks b/c of your attire (or whatever it was that was brought to your attention as not looking so hot)? i know if someone tells me and it's not b/c of their own personal taste, but they're trying to help me out, i appreciate it. sure, it might bother me a little bit. but not as much as a whole party gawking at my ass. just saying...

Toilet paper on my shoe...by all means, tell me. If my tampon leaked...sweat jesus, lemme know to wrap my sweater around my waist. That's caring that I'm not embarrassed.

But I KNOW what I look like when I go out the door. If my clothes are too tight...it's cause I gained some weight and that's what I've got...not 'cause I don't know. Pointing it out as friends isn't gonna help the situation. Likewise, if my hair is crazy, evidently, I like it that way, I do have mirrors. Saying "Uh, your hair..." is just gonna be a slam at my taste.

I can only talk for myself, and I don't routinely go out looking like a slob, and if I do (running to the store, or something), I'm aware...usually painfully so. It's not ever a matter of "that poor girl doesn't realize she looks crappy, so somebody should really tell her.

[tina1979]

okay, so maybe CTGirl and i are in the minority here. but a question asked is b/c i want the HONEST ANSWER!

and1...i am disappointed. the examples you gave are examples of why many gals (and guys) complain about game-playing. and i've had guys say the exact same thing, "i simply don't believe you".

WTF? if i say straight-up to a guy, "please don't BS me b/c i don't respond to that well when the [real] truth comes out and i surely won't BS you", and they do it anyway b/c they simply didn't believe my words to be genuine, it's U-G-L-Y. i don't care if it's telling me i look fat, i've gained weight, i don't smell so fresh, you're not into me anymore, or whatever not-so-nice thing it is to say...TELL ME THE TRUTH. i can handle it much better than being lied to and finding the truth out later and/or seeing very obvious actions that contradict the words that were said. i'm a big girl.

maybe that's just it though. maybe people sling all the "white lies" and duck sticky subjects b/c too many folks aren't "big girls"/"big boys" and act the fool when they have to deal with the harsh truth, even if they asked for it. and people wonder why there's so many bitter folks in the dating world... :googly:
I'd rather have the truth too. I've flat told people. "You aren't gonna hurt my feelings and if you do I'll get over it." I'd rather know. You can tell me tactfully, but if it comes to clothes.. Tell me I look fat in it please. I'd rather change before I leave the house than feel like someone is laughing behind my back later.

[weary]

Toilet paper on my shoe...by all means, tell me. If my tampon leaked...sweat jesus, lemme know to wrap my sweater around my waist. That's caring that I'm not embarrassed.

But I KNOW what I look like when I go out the door. If my clothes are too tight...it's cause I gained some weight and that's what I've got...not 'cause I don't know. Pointing it out as friends isn't gonna help the situation. Likewise, if my hair is crazy, evidently, I like it that way, I do have mirrors. Saying "Uh, your hair..." is just gonna be a slam at my taste.

I can only talk for myself, and I don't routinely go out looking like a slob, and if I do (running to the store, or something), I'm aware...usually painfully so. It's not ever a matter of "that poor girl doesn't realize she looks crappy, so somebody should really tell her.

okay, so maybe not YOU specifically. but you can see where it might help some "poor girl who doesn't realize she looks crappy", yes? even if feelings may be hurt initially?

[wordsmith]

I'd rather have the truth too. I've flat told people. "You aren't gonna hurt my feelings and if you do I'll get over it." I'd rather know. You can tell me tactfully, but if it comes to clothes.. Tell me I look fat in it please. I'd rather change before I leave the house than feel like someone is laughing behind my back later.

And on the other side of the coin, people who know me know this about me...you know I'm sensitive, you know you're gonna hurt my feelings, so if you can't say something nice, say nothing. I know the truth. If I look fat, I know I look fat. Changing my attire isn't going to change that. If my hair needs a trim, I'm aware it's not looking its best. You don't have to tell me. If my skirt is tucked up into my panties on one side and I'm flashing some asscheek...tell me that, that's something I might not know already, and would be welcomed. Appearance things, keep them to yourself.

[wordsmith]

okay, so maybe not YOU specifically. but you can see where it might help some "poor girl who doesn't realize she looks crappy", yes? even if feelings may be hurt initially?

Like I said, can only speak for me.

And I wouldn't tell somebody else that, either, personally. I'd really honestly rather not hurt somebody's feelings.

[shimma]

(outside of telling my kid "it's beautiful" when he was a tiny tot bringing me scribble that he thought was top-notch art...)

AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! So cute!!!!!

Want.... baby.... NOW!!!