Natalie
12-12-2001, 07:07 AM
I'm so glad to have found this page as I am in dire need of some advice. I am British and graduated from University this year. Since then I have been temping which has made it virtually impossible to make friends. I am in so much debt I have to sleep on various floors all over London. I have no friends as everyone went their own way after University apart from 2 who are into drugs - I'm not. I have no interests because I can't afford to have any. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for a year and a half and I'm still in love with him as he's a wonderful person. But I suffer from incredibly low self-esteem because my mum used to verbally abuse me when I was a kid. As a result I'm incredibly jealous and paranoid as he has his own interests and friends (one of which is his ex)He has a kid with someone else and has also dated a dancer, all before he met me of course but the fact he's been with beautiful people and still sees them damages my self-esteem even more than it already is. I know he loves me but he doesn't understand it's not something I can control. Ever since finishing University, I became really clingy and needy and it put a strain on our relationship. He informed me that he no longer had any passion for me - also damaging my self-esteem. Thinking it wasn't going to last much longer, I booked an 18 month working holiday to New Zealand (I leave in February). Since then our relationship has improved drammatically again - maybe because he knows he won't have to put up with me for much longer, or maybe because "you don't know what you've got until it's gone (or going)". I want to try and stay together but he isn't even prepared to try He has a good job but won't even try to save money for a holiday in New Zealand. I'm not sure if I could trust him for that long (not so much because of him but because of my own insecurity)and the thought of going makes me feel physically sick now but it's too late to cancel unless I want to lose all my money - more debts. I feel as if I make all the effort and he just expects me to smile and accept stuff (seeing the ex e.t.c)
I've been told that at least I'm doing something but I think I've made a terrible mistake as I jumped into the deep end with my eyes closed. I'm scared I won't make friends because I'll be miserable about my boyfriend and scared that life will be just the same when I come back as it is now. After all, running away won't solve anything. I'll still have no friends, or a home and debts when I return. I hate London and really want to leave and I know I'll regret it if I don't go and always wonder what would have happened. I feel it's something I have to do just so I can improve my self-esteem, learn how to be independant again and perhaps even learn to like myself a little. And I know I could never settle down until I'd done something like this. I know I shouldn't make choices because of my boyfriend but I hate myself (and even suffer with bulimic tendencies)and am only happy when I am drunk or with my boyfriend. I thought University would be great and the first year was but after that things started deterioting and I got into huge amounts of debt, had money stolen off me, was almost raped, had violent boyfriend e.t.c. Why should New Zealand be any different?
I now don't even want a career but my parents would go mad if I told them they'd wasted all their savings putting me through University. Now I feel obliged to get a career and all I want to do is live in the country and own a few chickens and make bread to sell at the local market (London does this to you!). I thought life would be different once I started working but I feel as if I'm working for nothing. I'm still broke, still have no home, no friends and no interests. And I hate having to be dependant on my boyfriend for money and a place to stay. My parents won't help me out as they say I should be standing on my own two feet now and I don't want to disappoint them. I can never go home as I refuse to let my mum criticise me again as I've worked so hard to get some sort of self-esteem back. Does anyone ever hink "is this it?". I used to have hope of what the future would hold but now all my hope has gone which i think is the most terrifying thing of all! So there's my quarterlife crisis. Sorry it's so long but I feel so much better for writing it. I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation or from anyone who can give me some advice. Please write Quarterlife Crisis in the subject line as I get so much junk mail. Thanks!
I've been told that at least I'm doing something but I think I've made a terrible mistake as I jumped into the deep end with my eyes closed. I'm scared I won't make friends because I'll be miserable about my boyfriend and scared that life will be just the same when I come back as it is now. After all, running away won't solve anything. I'll still have no friends, or a home and debts when I return. I hate London and really want to leave and I know I'll regret it if I don't go and always wonder what would have happened. I feel it's something I have to do just so I can improve my self-esteem, learn how to be independant again and perhaps even learn to like myself a little. And I know I could never settle down until I'd done something like this. I know I shouldn't make choices because of my boyfriend but I hate myself (and even suffer with bulimic tendencies)and am only happy when I am drunk or with my boyfriend. I thought University would be great and the first year was but after that things started deterioting and I got into huge amounts of debt, had money stolen off me, was almost raped, had violent boyfriend e.t.c. Why should New Zealand be any different?
I now don't even want a career but my parents would go mad if I told them they'd wasted all their savings putting me through University. Now I feel obliged to get a career and all I want to do is live in the country and own a few chickens and make bread to sell at the local market (London does this to you!). I thought life would be different once I started working but I feel as if I'm working for nothing. I'm still broke, still have no home, no friends and no interests. And I hate having to be dependant on my boyfriend for money and a place to stay. My parents won't help me out as they say I should be standing on my own two feet now and I don't want to disappoint them. I can never go home as I refuse to let my mum criticise me again as I've worked so hard to get some sort of self-esteem back. Does anyone ever hink "is this it?". I used to have hope of what the future would hold but now all my hope has gone which i think is the most terrifying thing of all! So there's my quarterlife crisis. Sorry it's so long but I feel so much better for writing it. I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation or from anyone who can give me some advice. Please write Quarterlife Crisis in the subject line as I get so much junk mail. Thanks!