Dealbreakers [Archive] - QLC Message Boards

wordsmith

10-19-2006, 12:31 PM

Here's the Deal breakers (http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20480&highlight=deal+breakers) thread from 4 months ago.

Thanks, I was looking for that so I could just cut n' paste mine...they haven't really changed (although I'm no longer dating the divorced guy, but for reasons unrelated to his being divorced):

I think that what a lot of people are listing as dealbreakers fall under preferences, for me, but not necessarily make or break...it's a whole package kind of thing, and while I may have preferences, they're just that... shortcomings in some areas can be made up for, depending on the guy and the situation.

I'd prefer not to date a guy who's divorced, for example, because it's just a complication and a consideration that it's quite simply easier not to have. But I am actually dating a guy who's divorced right now, because, well, I like him, and that outweighs my idealistic preference. So, it's a preference, not a dealbreaker. There are a lot of things that, while not my favorite thing, don't rule a guy out.

The TRUE dealbreakers are few. There are not that many things that absolutely can't be gotten around.

1. Drugs. Even "soft" drugs like weed annoy the piss out of me.

2. Cheating. If you cheat on me, I'm done with you. Some people can give second chances in that department. I am no way in hell one of them.

3. If you dislike my family, forget it. I'm way too close to them to have you and your distaste for them always be a consideration (not that this has happened, my family is always a hit...but were a guy to not like them, buh-bye).

4. Emotional cold fish. If you can't be open and sharing with me, we will never have a prayer of becoming truly intimate, and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for anybody. This one is huge.

Those are the biggies. Everything else is at least a little negotiable, a little wiggle room. But those four are cut and dried.

meatwad

10-19-2006, 12:35 PM

I can't date a chick with 11 fingers. My mom was born with 11 fingers and that would just be too weird.

embrassezla

10-19-2006, 12:35 PM

wordsmith

10-19-2006, 12:37 PM

CTGirl

10-19-2006, 12:37 PM

In all seriousness, I don't really have any dealbreakers in terms of dating someone, other than the extremes:
dishonesty/deception/insensitivity/racism/homophobia/abuse

Everything else is a case-by-case basis.

Yeah, I agree. I generally think it's silly to make up rules for yourself with regard to dating, and so for me, the only dealbreakers are the big ones, like you said.

Deavan

10-19-2006, 01:32 PM

So the "Decent Guy" thread got me wondering what different people have for dealbreakers. I think that there are probably 5 or 6 standard one's, but it would be interesting to see what other dealbreakers are out there.

A surefire dealbreaker for me would be...we make plans and then you don't show up and as opposed to calling me to explain where you are I have to call you...yeah that happened to be last night..asshole...

Or if a guy repetedly says I will call you back---and he doesn't

Any type of inconsiderate behaviaer

and being a prick to waiters or other "small people"

asm198

10-19-2006, 01:45 PM

and being a prick to waiters or other "small people"

I hate people who do that and have no problem calling them on it. I believe you can tell so much about a person by how they treat service people.

embrassezla

10-19-2006, 01:49 PM

weary

10-19-2006, 01:54 PM

Krishna

10-19-2006, 01:55 PM

Yeah, I agree. I generally think it's silly to make up rules for yourself with regard to dating, and so for me, the only dealbreakers are the big ones, like you said.

I'm adding cheating to the standard list, since I find that it's different than dishonesty.

asm198

10-19-2006, 01:58 PM

I've encountered people, though, who treat waitstaff with little patience because they themselves are former waitstaff, and are thus intolerant of incompentence/mistakes. Not sure what to make of that viewpoint.

It's all in how they go about it. It's one thing to complain about something and do it politely. It's quite another to treat them like something you wiped off your shoe.

I would never be rude to a server, unless they were just a complete jerk to me. And if they were, I'd bypass them and ask for a manager. I just can't stand to see people be incredibly rude to servers when they make honest mistakes. If the server forgets the olive in your martini, just inform them of the mistake so they can correct them. There's no need to scream at them for it or demand a manager at that point. But I've seen in happen.

Wolfpack21

10-19-2006, 02:03 PM

Smoking or any drugs for that matter, uncomfortable around the outdoors...guess those are the main two I know. If she wasn't interested in some of the things I was or vice versa, those could be dealbreakers as well. Smoking is a definite dealbreaker for me though.

embrassezla

10-19-2006, 02:08 PM

I'm adding cheating to the standard list, since I find that it's different than dishonesty.
I consider that part of deception.

steph78

10-19-2006, 02:25 PM

Smoking is a definite dealbreaker for me though.
Me too - I am way too sensitive to it. Funny story about my parents - my grandparents on both sides smoked and apparently my parents HATED it their entire childhood...so when my mom and dad were engaged my mom told my dad that if he ever started smoking she was going to have to divorce him! She hated it that much. This is funny for me to imagine because my mom is pretty much the easiest person in the world to get along with, she doesn't let much bother her...but smoke is a whole different story!

weary

10-19-2006, 02:31 PM

smoking, lying, cheating, beating, cruelty/abuse.

those are the first ones that come to mind for me. i've dealt w/ each and don't want to ever again.

veniqe

10-19-2006, 02:37 PM

My dealbreakers are:
1. Drugs
2. Inconsiderate behaviour. Towards anyone.
3. Racism/Homophobia/Sexism, etc

veniqe

10-19-2006, 02:41 PM

funny, the people i know who are 'formers' tip well b/c they know how hard it is/have been there...

I find that true for myself. I tend to be a generous tipper. But not for mediocre service. I want to have a waiter who has a personality!!!

LaFille

10-19-2006, 02:43 PM

funny, the people i know who are 'formers' tip well b/c they know how hard it is/have been there...

yeah most of them are... and the ones that are picky are normally polite about it. be nice to your waitress, because she can make you look like an ass in front of your date if she wants to :evil:

i don't know if this is a 'dealbreaker' but i don't think i could date a guy who doesn't like dogs and/or children.

i also can't stand willful ignorance, racism, and a lack of a sense of humor.

weary

10-19-2006, 03:20 PM

yeah most of them are... and the ones that are picky are normally polite about it. be nice to your waitress, because she can make you look like an ass in front of your date if she wants to :evil:

i don't know if this is a 'dealbreaker' but i don't think i could date a guy who doesn't like dogs and/or children.

i also can't stand willful ignorance, racism, and a lack of a sense of humor.

ha...i don't think i could get serious [as in marriage material] w/ a dude who had or wanted dogs...or [more] children. don't like animals. pretty sure i don't want any more bambinos. :rolleyes:

Chameleon

10-19-2006, 03:36 PM

ha...i don't think i could get serious [as in marriage material] w/ a dude who had or wanted dogs...or [more] children. don't like animals. pretty sure i don't want any more bambinos. :rolleyes:
I thought I was the only one... I'm not sure about kids having kids myself and I'm not a big fan of dogs.

weary

10-19-2006, 03:44 PM

I thought I was the only one... I'm not sure about kids having kids myself and I'm not a big fan of dogs.

i can tell u all about parenthood and push you right off that fence. who needs BC? just talk to someone who'll tell you the truth. LOL.

and i totally don't do animals indoors or that i have to interact with/care for. hell, i can barely look after a plant.

Chris_UK

10-19-2006, 03:54 PM

Just one, and that's beastiality.

KCboy

10-19-2006, 04:50 PM

can't think of any pure dealbreakers, everything is relative.

if I find a penis, though, I'm gone. (and so is my lunch)

Chameleon

10-19-2006, 05:42 PM

if I find a penis, though, I'm gone.
What?! Isn't that discriminating against people with penises? :razz: :razz:

tina1979

10-19-2006, 06:13 PM

In all seriousness, I don't really have any dealbreakers in terms of dating someone, other than the extremes:
dishonesty/deception/insensitivity/racism/homophobia/abuse

Everything else is a case-by-case basis.
I agree with this...

I stopped dating a guy because of his beliefs towards the gay community. (he was pretty religious, so I'll let you guys figure out how he felt) I decided that if our values diverted so greatly in that instance that it would do so in other ares that I am not so conservative in. Too bad too, he was a good guy overall.

stonemonkey

10-19-2006, 09:36 PM

I don't know if you'd call this a dealbreaker, but it's off-putting enough to me that it might as well be one. When a girl starts talking about her sex life with her ex-boyfriends (or even current FWBs), that really puts me off. I just react badly when a girl who I'm into starts talking about sex with guys other than me. Call it jealousy if you will, but that's just me.

It's not that complicated for me, I guess, because the converse of my dealbreakers are 'dealmakers'. It's usually pretty black and white. Basically the two requirements are that:

1. I'm physically attracted to her. Not that she has to look like Kate Moss or anything, but there's gotta be something there (yes, I'm superficial like that).

2. There's gotta be conversation that flows easily. If trying to make conversation with her feels like pulling teeth, then it's all over. All I need is to be able to maintain some level of interesting banter with her.

If either of these conditions are not met, then the deal is off. If they are both met, then it's on.

On a positive note, I find it really easy to fall for girls who are just genuinely nice to me. It sounds like an easy task, but it happens so rarely that it gets my attention when it does happen.

SunDevil

10-19-2006, 09:36 PM

What if their views on abortion are different from yours? What if they don't belong to the same religion as you do? Would you have a problem if they had lots of internet porn saved or hidden on their computer? How about someone with a promiscuous past or just a lot of monogamous partners? Would you have a problem dating a former stripper? What if they had committed a crime and had been in jail for a while, but were clean since? What if they are in the military and might go overseas for years at a time? What if their views on raising kids is very different from yours and they won't change (they want to homeschool, baptize, circumcise, spank, or any other major parenting choice)? What if they only make minimum wage or they have lots of debt?

I'm trying to think of things that they would be the sole cause of a reason why you wouldn't date someone. The questions above aren't always obvious and known from the first few dates. And there are the obvious ones like cheating, smoking, lying about something big, physical attributes, kids from previous relationships, complainer and nags a lot,....

I could probably write down all of mine, and probably 70% of girls wouldn't make it, but if they did, then there should be no problems later on. I wonder how many divorces and break-ups happen because people either commit one of the dealbreakers or it was revealed later on? I wonder how many guys hook up with girls for a month or six months that they knew had one of their dealbreakers just to get sex for a while.

PenforPrez

10-19-2006, 11:30 PM

I always think of myself as having a few dealbreakers, but if somebody shows interest, I always find myself able to put up with them. I've found that a disturbing thought.

What if their views on abortion are different from yours? What if they don't belong to the same religion as you do? Would you have a problem if they had lots of internet porn saved or hidden on their computer? How about someone with a promiscuous past or just a lot of monogamous partners? Would you have a problem dating a former stripper? What if they had committed a crime and had been in jail for a while, but were clean since? What if they are in the military and might go overseas for years at a time? What if their views on raising kids is very different from yours and they won't change (they want to homeschool, baptize, circumcise, spank, or any other major parenting choice)? What if they only make minimum wage or they have lots of debt?

I have dealt with nearly all of those at some point. The worst mistake I ever made was getting attached to a girl who was several of those at the same time. :redface:

Paul

Krishna

10-19-2006, 11:37 PM

What if they are in the military and might go overseas for years at a time?

Been there, done that. It was hard, but I'd do it again if I had to.

BOLD

10-20-2006, 12:16 AM

1. Nagging
2. Rudeness
3. Superficiality
4. Insecurity
5. Lying
6. Cheating

In no particular order

LaFille

10-20-2006, 12:45 AM

I could probably write down all of mine, and probably 70% of girls wouldn't make it, but if they did, then there should be no problems later on.
based on absolute dealbreakers alone? how many do you have?

i think most people look at it as a package deal... you have to take the good with the bad for every single person you get attached to...

littledancerus

10-20-2006, 08:32 AM

Let's see, I couldn't be with someone shorter than me (they'd have to be a certified midget, so this really isn't a problem) or who is too vocal about being pro-life 'cause then we'd have fights about it, actually, any kind of anti-feminism would probably put me off. If he thought I should stay home & have babies or do all the cooking & cleaning or things like that it wouldn't work 'cause I hate cleaning & cooking & I only want one kid & I don't want to be a stay at home mom. I would be pissed if he was that kind of guy who refuses to do anything "feminin".

I tend to not like guys who are mean to their moms. It tends to be a sign.

I wouldn't want a guy would is basicly a bum... ex: didn't go to college, lives w/ mommy & doesn't have a job (not just in between jobs, but no job & not trying)

I couldn't be with a smoker who refused to restrain from smoking when around me. I don't really care if you smoke, just don't do it around me or in my house!

WorkInProgress

10-20-2006, 09:20 AM

I'm trying to think of things that they would be the sole cause of a reason why you wouldn't date someone. The questions above aren't always obvious and known from the first few dates.

Very few things would truly be a sole reason for not dating someone. Many (most? the vast majority?) go hand in hand with other potential reasons, issues or dealbreakers as they can indicate an essential difference in priorities or values, and I expect that somebody who differs with me in terms of some hot-button issues (like you brought up) will disagree with me on others. It's true that this isn't always the case, and that some people with very differing views on many topics manage to make it work. I don't want to have to agree to disagree on a whole lot. Does this make sense?

wordsmith

10-20-2006, 10:46 AM

On a positive note, I find it really easy to fall for girls who are just genuinely nice to me. It sounds like an easy task, but it happens so rarely that it gets my attention when it does happen.

I've found that simply being genuinely nice has netted me exponentially more interest than any other thing.

Of course, it quite often nets me the interest of guys I'm not interested in, myself, but oh, well....I can always see it unfold, too. You can almost see it happen when somebody starts crushing on you b/c you're being nice to them.

wordsmith

10-20-2006, 10:58 AM

For me, these are things that aren't all very cut and dried. I think of dealbreakers as set in stone, cut and dried things. For a lot of what you listed, it would depend on various extenuating circumstances, but maybe not dealbreakers.

What if their views on abortion are different from yours?
Different views, sure. Telling me I can't hold the opposing view, then no. Keep it a to each, his own thing, and that's not a dealbreaker. Try to bend me to your view, then yes, it is.

What if they don't belong to the same religion as you do?
Same as above. Hold a diff. view. Just respect my right to hold mine. If you don't, yeah, dealbreaker.

Would you have a problem if they had lots of internet porn saved or hidden on their computer?
Does it affect our sex life? Does it involve kids? If the answer is no, then no, not a dealbreaker.

How about someone with a promiscuous past or just a lot of monogamous partners? [QUOTE=SunDevil]
If you're disease-free, probably not a dealbreaker. If your promiscuous past is due to having a totally diff. personality type than mine (I don't have one), there are probably already dealbreakers present, though.

[QUOTE=SunDevil]Would you have a problem dating a former stripper?
Probably n/a, since I've never met a male stripper who was straight.

What if they had committed a crime and had been in jail for a while, but were clean since?
Depends on the nature of the crime. Is it something that will damage my trust in you? If so, dealbreaker.

What if they are in the military and might go overseas for years at a time?
If I can go, no dealbreaker. If I can't go, yes. Speaking from experience.

What if their views on raising kids is very different from yours and they won't change (they want to homeschool, baptize, circumcise, spank, or any other major parenting choice)?
Dealbreaker. Mandatory compatibility on major childrearing philosophies.

What if they only make minimum wage or they have lots of debt?
Not a dealbreaker in and of itself.

I wonder how many guys hook up with girls for a month or six months that they knew had one of their dealbreakers just to get sex for a while.
Quite a few, I'd imagine.

wordsmith

10-20-2006, 11:03 AM

Very few things would truly be a sole reason for not dating someone. Many (most? the vast majority?) go hand in hand with other potential reasons, issues or dealbreakers as they can indicate an essential difference in priorities or values, and I expect that somebody who differs with me in terms of some hot-button issues (like you brought up) will disagree with me on others. It's true that this isn't always the case, and that some people with very differing views on many topics manage to make it work. I don't want to have to agree to disagree on a whole lot. Does this make sense?

Same, here. I would prefer basic compatibility over everything being a difference of opinion that needs to be gotten past. Compatibility doesn't mean that we have to agree or see totally eye to eye on all points constantly. It does mean that everything shouldn't be a disagreement or struggle, though. In-line priorities and values are for sure key, as you say. Again, that doesn't guarantee agreement on all issues, for sure, but it's basic compatibility. I don't want to spend my entire life having to make concessions. It shouldn't be that much of a struggle.

Honey418

10-20-2006, 10:34 PM

My dealbreakers are:
1. Drugs
2. Inconsiderate behaviour. Towards anyone.
3. Racism/Homophobia/Sexism, etc

Hmmm...Do drugs include perscription drugs? With the amount of people out there who are on perscription drugs like anti-depressants, anti-anxiety etc. it makes you wonder what their real personality is like without these medications. Are you dating the person or the person on the drugs. Not to mention these people choose to deal with reality in the form of a pill. Would if they were off the drugs, how would they deal with reality then?

brightestblack

10-20-2006, 11:01 PM

Hmmm...Do drugs include perscription drugs? With the amount of people out there who are on perscription drugs like anti-depressants, anti-anxiety etc. it makes you wonder what their real personality is like without these medications. Are you dating the person or the person on the drugs. Not to mention these people choose to deal with reality in the form of a pill. Would if they were off the drugs, how would they deal with reality then?

I don't think all depression and anxiety issues are choices.

As for dealbreakers... it's hard to say for some things, b/c it depends on the person and situation. I don't like possessiveness at all, though. As in dictating what I do, where I go, what I wear, etc.

stonemonkey

10-21-2006, 12:58 AM

I don't think all depression and anxiety issues are choices.

But why is whether it is a choice or not relevant? There are aspects of my physical appearance which I cannot choose, and they have worked just as effectively against me as dealbreakers.

KCboy

10-21-2006, 01:27 AM

When a girl starts talking about her sex life with her ex-boyfriends (or even current FWBs), that really puts me off.

amen.

until we're married, and probably even still after that, I don't want to hear one detail about sex with another guy, or even the name of a guy you've slept with.

Brillo25

10-21-2006, 04:28 AM

When a girl starts talking about her sex life with her ex-boyfriends (or even current FWBs), that really puts me off.
Man, I went out with a girl one time who just recently broke up with her boyfriend, and the first thing she started talking about, the first time we met in person, was why she was breaking up with him - including the sexual problems. Pretty soon she's asking me about my sexual history. Gah. Red flags galore.

stonemonkey

10-21-2006, 05:18 AM

Yeah, I have no problem talking about that stuff with female friends, because we all know where we stand. But yeah, I've been on dates where that's been a topic of discussion and I seriously feel queasy having to hear a girl I might be into talking about it. It's not that I'm a prude or anything, it's more the way sex with a particular guy who doesn't respect her is both the cause and solution of her emotional problems. I honestly do not want to hear about how she gets herself tangled up emotionally with a guy she's having a FWB deal with who doesn't love her. I end up thinking "Well gee, if it's so bad, why don't you sleep with me instead? At least I wouldn't treat you like shit...." I'm usually too uncomfortable to take it any further.

I guess when someone's open with me like that, it immediately establishes the terms of our relationship as being friends at best. Sometimes I wonder if I"m TOO good at being friends with people, such that it's hard to be anything else. Oh well, I guess everyone's got baggage.

Oh yeah, I guess another dealbreaker would be pregnancy.

Brillo25

10-21-2006, 05:32 AM

Plus, in my experience anyway, every girl who's brought up any kind of conversation about sex during or even before the first date, whether it's about us (potentially) or past experience, has turned out to have mad issues.

veniqe

10-21-2006, 06:44 AM

Hmmm...Do drugs include perscription drugs? With the amount of people out there who are on perscription drugs like anti-depressants, anti-anxiety etc. it makes you wonder what their real personality is like without these medications. Are you dating the person or the person on the drugs. Not to mention these people choose to deal with reality in the form of a pill. Would if they were off the drugs, how would they deal with reality then?

Some people just function better on prescription drugs. A very good friend of mine is on some type of drug. Hell, I've considered going on anti-depressants at some stage!

spiritedaway

10-21-2006, 08:52 AM

Yeah, I generally don't like to talk or hear about ex-relationship problems or their sex life with a potential interest, unless I've already established that we're just friends and nothing more. (And even in that case, I don't know want hear all the details either. Just TMI).

Yeah, I have no problem talking about that stuff with female friends, because we all know where we stand. But yeah, I've been on dates where that's been a topic of discussion and I seriously feel queasy having to hear a girl I might be into talking about it. It's not that I'm a prude or anything, it's more the way sex with a particular guy who doesn't respect her is both the cause and solution of her emotional problems."

WorkInProgress

10-21-2006, 12:05 PM

Man, I went out with a girl one time who just recently broke up with her boyfriend, and the first thing she started talking about, the first time we met in person, was why she was breaking up with him - including the sexual problems. Pretty soon she's asking me about my sexual history. Gah. Red flags galore.

OMG. Who does that?! Although, at least you knew quickly that this was a no-go.

brightestblack

10-21-2006, 08:10 PM

But why is whether it is a choice or not relevant? There are aspects of my physical appearance which I cannot choose, and they have worked just as effectively against me as dealbreakers.

Err I'm saying, for mental disorders, if depression/anxiety is not a choice (and it's not, in some cases) then it can be treated effectively with medicine sometimes... If the depression/anxiety is a choice then therapy might work better. I'm sorry, I was kinda confusing. I didn't want to go into too much. I'm saying that it wouldn't matter to me what kind of help they get for their depression or anxiety issues, be it a pill or therapy or both or something else, as long as that kind of help works for them. I could go on more about mental disorders but it would be rather lengthy, the subject is complex and controversial and I'm not an expert, even though I do know a few things. I have just met and talked with a lot of people with mental disorders and different things work for different people.

Obviously mental disorders can get in the way of relationships and can be a dealbreaker for some. For me, it's usually not a problem if they are seeking help for it. I dated a man with bi-polar who was on medicine for it and he had a very wonderful personality. Lived too far away though :( Presently I believe he is off his medication and doing quite well.

ebruening

10-21-2006, 08:50 PM

What if their views on abortion are different from yours? What if they don't belong to the same religion as you do? Would you have a problem if they had lots of internet porn saved or hidden on their computer? How about someone with a promiscuous past or just a lot of monogamous partners? Would you have a problem dating a former stripper? What if they had committed a crime and had been in jail for a while, but were clean since? What if they are in the military and might go overseas for years at a time? What if their views on raising kids is very different from yours and they won't change (they want to homeschool, baptize, circumcise, spank, or any other major parenting choice)? What if they only make minimum wage or they have lots of debt?

Abortion is a "hot button" issue for me, as is religion. If you can't accept my views, then it's a "no go." If we don't share the same views at all, then we likely won't be dating for too long.

As far as criminal history is concerned, it would depend upon the crime. I have to say that I would be a little wary, knowing that the guy had a criminal history.

The possibility of high amounts of debt is debatable. If they had loads of credit card debt, and wanted my help paying it off, then it would be a "dealbreaker." If they had loads of student loans, I'd likely be a bit more understanding. For me, the present is more important than the past, in that regard.

ScottyTheBody

10-22-2006, 12:17 PM

I've found that simply being genuinely nice has netted me exponentially more interest than any other thing.

Of course, it quite often nets me the interest of guys I'm not interested in, myself, but oh, well....I can always see it unfold, too. You can almost see it happen when somebody starts crushing on you b/c you're being nice to them.

Isn't it odd that all it takes sometimes is just being genuinely nice to guys.

Too bad it takes a man to be the opposite to grab exponentially more women's interest. :googly:

wordsmith

10-22-2006, 01:56 PM

I've def. been on the other side...developed a crush or attraction because a guy is super nice. But most of the time, they're just being nice and have no deeper interest. It's not always easy to tell, whether you're the guy or the girl in the situation, if it's just someobody's personality to be nice, or if they're displaying deeper interest by being nice, or both.

dengeist

10-22-2006, 02:28 PM

I think my dealbreakers are pretty standard and not out of the ordinary.

Tattoos on the neck, hand or wrist.

Three kids, four different fathers (you figure that one out).

Being overly pretentious and not being as nearly as smart.

Zero ambition or dreams.

Other than that, I'm not too picky. :huge:

LaFille

10-22-2006, 03:21 PM

Isn't it odd that all it takes sometimes is just being genuinely nice to guys.

Too bad it takes a man to be the opposite to grab exponentially more women's interest. :googly:

the opposite? please. unless you're going after high school girls, being an asshole DOES NOT WORK like men think it does. if you honestly think this is true, you've been spending too much time reading maxim and trying to pick up drunk girls in meatmarket bars. it's not like girls attract millions of guys 'just by being nice.' chances are, there's something a guy like about a girl more than her 'niceness.' likewise for women.

wordsmith

10-22-2006, 03:24 PM

it's not like girls attract millions of guys 'just by being nice.' chances are, there's something a guy like about a girl more than her 'niceness.' likewise for women.

True...there's more that's attracting them than just being nice. But the niceness is the factor that encourages them, because they figure that you're not gonna shoot them down because you're so nice.

LaFille

10-22-2006, 03:28 PM

True...there's more that's attracting them than just being nice. But the niceness is the factor that encourages them, because they figure that you're not gonna shoot them down because you're so nice.

so it's like 'well, i guess my best shot is here because she's too nice to say no!' sorry, but i'd like to be liked for more reasons than this...

wordsmith

10-22-2006, 03:35 PM

so it's like 'well, i guess my best shot is here because she's too nice to say no!' sorry, but i'd like to be liked for more reasons than this...

No, not really what I was saying.

It's like this. I figure if I guy is crushing on me, it's b/c he thinks I look good. If I'm a bitch, he's less likely to make a move on it, for fear of being shot down. If I come off as nice, though, he'll take a chance, because he gets the sense that I wouldn't be all cold, even if I'm not interested. That's what I mean about being nice being the encouraging factor, all other things being equal. Being nice encourages interested parties to go out on a limb.

LaFille

10-22-2006, 04:33 PM

No, not really what I was saying.

It's like this. I figure if I guy is crushing on me, it's b/c he thinks I look good. If I'm a bitch, he's less likely to make a move on it, for fear of being shot down. If I come off as nice, though, he'll take a chance, because he gets the sense that I wouldn't be all cold, even if I'm not interested. That's what I mean about being nice being the encouraging factor, all other things being equal. Being nice encourages interested parties to go out on a limb.

ah ok, i can see this. the tough thing is trying to be nice when you are not, in fact, interested. some people are bad at picking up the 'lets just be friends' vibe and i, in turn, must be bad at getting that message across... :rolleyes: