playing games

[musiclover]

I have been thinking alot over the last week about how most people I know are constantly game-playing in their relationships. Sometimes it works for them and sometimes it doesn't. I have always been one to want to take the direct approach and confront an issue head on, because I think life is too short and time too precious to wait around and play games. But, I see myself falling into this gaming approach, because most people, I find, are scared away by directness.

In my current situation, where my old serious boyfriend dropped me abruptly and then walked back into my life last week making all these promises if we could get back together, my friends have all said (and some of the posters have too) to play it cool, and let him come to me - that guys run scared when you confront them. But, he made no contact all last week and acted like nothing had happened when we saw each other this tuesday at the sporting even we both participate in. Never mentioned all that he said last week. He suggested getting together this friday, but then remembered it was his bday and he already had plans. So, I'm left with - do I play the game and see if he ever steps up to the plate( while really letting him disrespect my feelings in the process) or do i confront him and tell him we need to talk and ask him what's going on and where his head is?

I'm just curious as to weather most people are really okay with playing these games and are okay with how it makes them feel. The whole thing frankly confuses me.

[wordsmith]

What most people call games, I most of the time just call lack of consideration and immature attitudes (flaking out and acting like it's no big deal, etc.).

[tina1979]

personally i'd be done with it now. you didn't make a big deal out of it, and you let him take the lead. i would just leave it alone. I'm not saying don't hang out if he has a genuine offer for dinner or something, but I would definately not put my heart on my sleeve for this guy especially at this point in time.

Besides you said that you have a boyfriend right? maybe just focus on him and the reasons why this guy is making your eye wander. We all have those guys that are "what if", but if you were in a strong relationship it wouldn't really matter. Maybe now is a good time to focus on how to make your current relationship stronger.

(((hugs))) feeling like you are being blown off sucks. we've all been there. Just try not to take it personally. I have figured out I will never understand guys and they will never understand me. If they try to string me along I pretty much just think to myself that they are missing out on something, not the other way around.

[Krishna]

I find myself playing games occasionally. I'm fully aware that right now I'm playing hard to get with my boyfriend. I've backed away a little, and am no longer at his beck and call. He's gonna have to work a little harder- no more of me showing up whenever he's free.

[stonemonkey]

The thing is, if he really likes you, he'll come to you of his own accord.

[LaFille]

sorry about the whole situation. personally, i think it would be best to wait it out... not out of game playing, but out of preservation of your own feelings! i'm sort of in a similar situation right now of feeling like i'm waiting around on someone and it SUCKS. but i figure if he really cared, he'd make the effort :sad:

[ScottyTheBody]

I have been thinking alot over the last week about how most people I know are constantly game-playing in their relationships. Sometimes it works for them and sometimes it doesn't. I have always been one to want to take the direct approach and confront an issue head on, because I think life is too short and time too precious to wait around and play games. But, I see myself falling into this gaming approach, because most people, I find, are scared away by directness.

In my current situation, where my old serious boyfriend dropped me abruptly and then walked back into my life last week making all these promises if we could get back together, my friends have all said (and some of the posters have too) to play it cool, and let him come to me - that guys run scared when you confront them. But, he made no contact all last week and acted like nothing had happened when we saw each other this tuesday at the sporting even we both participate in. Never mentioned all that he said last week. He suggested getting together this friday, but then remembered it was his bday and he already had plans. So, I'm left with - do I play the game and see if he ever steps up to the plate( while really letting him disrespect my feelings in the process) or do i confront him and tell him we need to talk and ask him what's going on and where his head is?

I'm just curious as to weather most people are really okay with playing these games and are okay with how it makes them feel. The whole thing frankly confuses me.

My advice, don't play games.

Guys don't run scared when you confront them, it's just an excuse for people who don't like confrontations. I much prefer directness over games. You play games with someone, and you'll attract guys who like playing games, its as simple as that. You play 'hard to get' and you'll attract a person who likes playing 'hard to get' and then as soon as your yourself, his attraction will fade and he'll become disinterested and then you'll have to play 'hard to get' again and he'll play it again. But you know, if you like playing games and hiding who you are, being untrue to yourself, then yeah play games by all means.

I know, personally, if I told someone that I was interested and told them a bunch of stuff that I'd like to do with them and they kind of just played it cool and didn't show much interest, I'd assume they're not interested and just forget about it. I have to hear her say "yeah I'd like to do that" or something to that effect.

Definitely confront him and tell him you need to talk.

But then again, do you want to get back with this guy? This is what it all comes down to. Do you want to get back together, do you trust him, etc?

[wordsmith]

My advice, don't play games.

Guys don't run scared when you confront them, it's just an excuse for people who don't like confrontations.

They might. They might get pissed off and use it as an excuse to bolt if they wanted to anyway. Sometimes people don't like to confront because they know it can be a trigger. I find nothing wrong with being direct, but it can be offputting, and it's made more than one guy mad to be called out for something. Lots of times, if we make guys mad with our directness, we're "bitches." [/QUOTE]

[ScottyTheBody]

They might. They might get pissed off and use it as an excuse to bolt if they wanted to anyway. Sometimes people don't like to confront because they know it can be a trigger. I find nothing wrong with being direct, but it can be offputting, and it's made more than one guy mad to be called out for something. Lots of times, if we make guys mad with our directness, we're "bitches."

Yeah part of it depends on the situation and how the confrontation is handled. Yeah you have to have some tact and don't be brutally offensive or blatently cruel (even if it the stuff said is true) but in this situation, if she comes up and is direct with him about her feelings and asks him about what their "situation" is, I highly doubt he would have any reason whatsoever to call her a "bitch".

[wordsmith]

I'm not saying that confronting situations SHOULD make you be perceived as bitchy, I'm saying that it occcurs. No matter how tactful you are, most people are defensive when called out on something.

Really, though, I was responding to you more generally, not really in the context of the OP. Just discussing a point you made.

[ScottyTheBody]

personally i'd be done with it now. you didn't make a big deal out of it, and you let him take the lead. i would just leave it alone. I'm not saying don't hang out if he has a genuine offer for dinner or something, but I would definately not put my heart on my sleeve for this guy especially at this point in time.

Besides you said that you have a boyfriend right? maybe just focus on him and the reasons why this guy is making your eye wander. We all have those guys that are "what if", but if you were in a strong relationship it wouldn't really matter. Maybe now is a good time to focus on how to make your current relationship stronger.

(((hugs))) feeling like you are being blown off sucks. we've all been there. Just try not to take it personally. I have figured out I will never understand guys and they will never understand me. If they try to string me along I pretty much just think to myself that they are missing out on something, not the other way around.

Wait a minute...you have a boyfriend already? Well maybe this is a different scenario. I say talk to your boyfriend before anything.

[ScottyTheBody]

I'm not saying that confronting situations SHOULD make you be perceived as bitchy, I'm saying that it occcurs. No matter how tactful you are, most people are defensive when called out on something.

Really, though, I was responding to you more generally, not really in the context of the OP. Just discussing a point you made.

What your saying reminds me of what one of my buddies thinks. He rarely ever states his opinions and "agrees" with everything. He has his own opinion but rarely states it when it's different because he thinks people will take offense to what he has to say. Yeah, some people are offended when other people disagree, they see it as a personal attack and not just another opinion or idea but that sure as hell doesn't mean he shouldn't voice his opinion but because he doesn't want to be percieved as an 'asshole' he never really voices his opinion.

Some people are going to percieve you as a 'bitch' or an 'asshole' no matter what you do.

[tina1979]

What your saying reminds me of what one of my buddies thinks. He rarely ever states his opinions and "agrees" with everything. He has his own opinion but rarely states it when it's different because he thinks people will take offense to what he has to say. Yeah, some people are offended when other people disagree, they see it as a personal attack and not just another opinion or idea but that sure as hell doesn't mean he shouldn't voice his opinion but because he doesn't want to be percieved as an 'asshole' he never really voices his opinion.
I'm the same as your friend for the most part. I am getting better about speaking up though.

[elise9]

sorry about the whole situation. personally, i think it would be best to wait it out... not out of game playing, but out of preservation of your own feelings! i'm sort of in a similar situation right now of feeling like i'm waiting around on someone and it SUCKS. but i figure if he really cared, he'd make the effort :sad:

or... if preservation of your own feelings requires you talking to him directly, so you know where you stand with him - then do that. I'm not a person that can deal with "wait and see" if it's on my mind all the time. If you talk to him, and he says he needs time to think or get his feelings together, then you can wait and let him come to you....

[Chameleon]

All I can see happening is musiclover going from one unsatisfying relationship to another.

The old boyfriend is flakey and full of sh!t and no amount of game playing is going to change that. Where is your current boyfriend in all of this? Are you waiting for your ex to show that he wants you before you dump your current boyfriend?

You might want to consider taking care of your own business (i.e. dumping that cheating boyfriend of yours who isn't spending any time with you) before getting entangled in another mess (chasing after inconsiderate ex boyfriend with selective memory lapses).

I think a couple people mentioned this in your last thread, but you might want to consider being alone for a little while instead of swinging from dysfunctional guy to dysfunctional guy.

[musiclover]

All I can see happening is musiclover going from one unsatisfying relationship to another.

The old boyfriend is flakey and full of sh!t and no amount of game playing is going to change that. Where is your current boyfriend in all of this? Are you waiting for your ex to show that he wants you before you dump your current boyfriend?

You might want to consider taking care of your own business (i.e. dumping that cheating boyfriend of yours who isn't spending any time with you) before getting entangled in another mess (chasing after inconsiderate ex boyfriend with selective memory lapses).

I think a couple people mentioned this in your last thread, but you might want to consider being alone for a little while instead of swinging from dysfunctional guy to dysfunctional guy.

It's funny you should say that. I did break it off with the guy i've been seeing. When my old boyfriend walked back into my life a couple weeks ago, I realized that the feelings i have for the current guy just aren't very strong at all - in comparison.

[stonemonkey]

I know the general consensus is that game playing is immature and inconsiderate, and any relationship that's not transparent and based on underhandedness is doomed to fail. However, I don't think it's that clear cut, I think it depends on how you define it. If we're talking about mind games designed to screw the other person over, then yeah, obviously it's a morally questionable thing to do. And if you're past the initial flirting stage, then openness and honesty is definitely the best way to go.

But if you think of game playing as adjusting your own behaviour to match what you think is appropriate for this person who you've just met and don't know very well, then I can understand how it can be acceptable. By that definition, dressing well, wearing make up, and playing down your insecurities and flaws would fall under the category of game playing. Maybe as the relationship progresses, you don't have to watch these things so closely.

The only reason I bring this up is because I remember reading a post here where this girl was basically complaining that this guy she was seeing was too accessible. He was apparently calling her too much and willing to drop everything to accommodate her, thus turning her off him. Now if he had 'played the game' and resisted his natural urge to call her, he might have had a better chance with her.

I'm not endorsing the playing of games here, I'm just saying that if you don't know someone well, it makes sense that you would adjust your behaviour towards them (eg. holding back from calling them) in order to avoid coming across as desperate. Just like you would dress better than you usually would to avoid coming across as a slob, or act more confidently than you normally would to avoid coming across as a wuss.

[Chameleon]

It's funny you should say that. I did break it off with the guy i've been seeing. When my old boyfriend walked back into my life a couple weeks ago, I realized that the feelings i have for the current guy just aren't very strong at all - in comparison.
I'm glad you got rid of the old boyfriend. Problem is you were hanging in there even though he wasn't showing any level of respect and you didn't see that as a problem worth leaving over. You are about to get into a similar situation with your ex and you are going to be blinded by your feelings instead of insisting that he treat you like a mature human being with feelings. You'd rather manipulate him into dating you rather than realize that anyone you have to trick into wanting you is not worth your time.

[musiclover]

I'm glad you got rid of the old boyfriend. Problem is you were hanging in there even though he wasn't showing any level of respect and you didn't see that as a problem worth leaving over. You are about to get into a similar situation with your ex and you are going to be blinded by your feelings instead of insisting that he treat you like a mature human being with feelings. You'd rather manipulate him into dating you rather than realize that anyone you have to trick into wanting you is not worth your time.

I decided tonite that I cannot play games, and compromise my self-respect. So, I showed up to this guy's house unexpected tonite, as he wouldn't return my calls when I told him I'd like to see him. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was not confrontational, but told him how confusing and hurtful his actions are. His response was that he had known since he dropped me a while ago that we were not a match, didn't know how to tell me, was just being flirty a couple weeks ago when he showed back up in my life and didn't really mean anything by it. When he said he wanted to start hanging out again a couple weeks ago, he said that he meant only at the weekly sporting event..

As hurtful and difficult as taking this action was, playing the game of seeing if he would come to me would have only resulted in more weeks of being confused and manipulated. I guess now I have to get over two people.. I truly don't know how people can be so cruel and unfeeling.