Some thoughts about people needing people and having a best friend?

[Krissy2006]

Well tonight I was just reading the post about ppl needing ppl... and I think your all totally right we all need some sort of affection. I guess I'm just wondering how many ppl out there actually have those best friends from like child hood and what not... I recently have stopped talking to 3 of my childhood friends, well actually they stopped tlaking to me, and I was looking at the one girls pictures on the web, seeing that she stays in contact with them still.. and it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me?... Do I have something wrong that I can't get that close to ppl or I fear the closeness, b/c I will get hurt?.. yes, this is true, but am I that unlikeable ppl don't want to stick around?... I don't know, just some thoughts and curiousity really about others. I guess I still feel guilty for waht went on in the summer, as I wasn't in contact with them, but now having told them through email I want to talk, and hearing nothing, it makes me think I did something I don't even know I did... ahh.. frustrating, anyways any thoughts hereE?

[WorkInProgress]

Aside from family, I have absolutely no childhood friends. We moved a lot when I was a kid (a lot compared to some, but not compared to others. At any rate, it was often enough to lose track of people.) so I made new friends when we'd go somewhere new. (While this is kinda nice in some ways, it also makes me wonder if I'm not just a little bit warped.) This is not to say that I haven't had (or don't have) good friends. I do, it's just that the time I've spent with them isn't as long as some others have experienced with their friends.

Friendships (no matter how long they've existed) tend to die if they're not cared for by both friends. And maintaining a close friendship requires a significant amount of effort, in my experience.

[CityGal]

I feel the same way and I do have issues with getting close to people. We are so similar when it comes to the friends issue. Honestly, I've learned to accept that not everyone is going to stay in my life forever. Although it does suck to see that everyone else can maintain their relationships. I've started going to 'therapy' to work on myself so that I may be a better person and have better relationships with people. TRUST ME I know exactly how it feels and it totally blows. One thing i've learned is that you cannot dwell on what happened in the summer-- I know it's hard not too. There are millions of people just waiting for a friend. Try to keep a positive outlook on life. When I have episodes like this I just reshift the focus back on myself and what I want to achieve in life. I take it as an opportunity rather than a punishment. Is there anything you wanted to do but couldn't bc you were to busy doing stuff with friends, working or some other thing got in the way? List out your goals again and see if there is one you can easily achieve now. I'm staying focused on school and my own self image-- I want to stop dressing and looking like a little girl. ha.

Sometimes I think the cosmic gurus are just reworking things for me and that everything will work out and the majority of the time they do. If you ever feel like talking, I am always here with an ear.

[Ciderhillnh]

I never had friends growing up, so I dont have any 'childhood friends' at least from my school.
From summer camp however, I do have childhood friends but I didnt meet them until I was 12....and even then it was just in the summers. We lost touch for several years, but have come back into contact via MySpace! So now we talk all the time and connect about our pasts.

I have one guy that Im close with from high school.......but I never had a group.

[winneythepooh7]

I have a couple friends I remain in touch with from childhood. We don't talk regularly but when we do see each other (maybe once a year), it's nice. I don't have a whole lot in common with either one of them because they both have a whole tribe of children.

[grneyedmustang]

My best friend of 20+ years and I had a blowout earlier this year, and we're no longer friends. I miss her, but it is what it is, and if she doesn't want me in her life anymore, then what can I do? (It was both of our faults).

I've tried to maintain relationships with my other friends from high school, etc. I felt like it was a one sided effort, though, so I have since given up. I miss having that one friend I am super close with -- but I guess life goes on.

I have made some new friends, but I miss some of my old ones. Especially my (ex) best friend.

[Chameleon]

We moved a lot growing up and my brothers and I went to elementary and secondary school on different continents. I have one childhood friend I keep in contact with by email two or three times a year and a handful of highschool buddies I contact slightly more frequently. Considering how "different" I am now, I doubt we'd be particularly close if we lived close to each other.

I'm also currently going through a "three year itch", I think I'm used to dealling with an entirely new set of people every 3-4 years. I had a shakeup 3 years ago that wasn't move related and I sometimes feel like I need to change things again. Trying to talk it through with a therapist.

[wordsmith]

I lived in the same town (hell, house) for 18 years, and I moved back to it, so I still have childhood friends around. Some survived growing up and changing from who we were, some didn't. Some revealed themselves to be only friends due to proximity,like a lot of childhood friends. Some are actual friends whose connection to me stands the test of time.

I tend to be more a keep old friends than make new kinda person. I don't change up my crowd, never really have. I develop new friends slowly...I've made a few new ones since moving back, but I've always concerned myself way more with nurturing existing friendships than making new. If I do happen to make new, that's cool, but it's more something that just occurs than something I consciously set out for.

[dostoy]

I've learned that people mostly suck, they don't care about you, only how you make them feel (there is a difference). Even my parents don't really care about me, so it just makes it hard to care enough about friends to keep them around. Like it was said here friends will drift away unless both people try to make an effort, with me I figure if the other person doesn't care, why should I? Then it's just a vicious cycle.

[wordsmith]

Your friends might be thinking if you don't care, why should they?

[WorkInProgress]

Your friends might be thinking if you don't care, why should they?

True enough. But at some point, somebody generally gets tired of feeling neglected. It does take two people to make a friendship work. Otherwise, it's just exhausting for the one who's trying.

[wordsmith]

I didn't sense that's what dostoy was talking about, especially since s/he said, "It's hard to care enough about friends to keep them around."

[WorkInProgress]

I didn't sense that's what dostoy was talking about, especially since s/he said, "It's hard to care enough about friends to keep them around."
I agree. I should have left off the "but" in my last post.

[mishl982]

There aren't too many people I still talk to from my childhood, apart from family. Sometimes you just grow apart.

I also don't have one best friend, but more like a small group of close knit pals.

THere is one girl who has been my friend the longest but over the past year I feel like we are drifting apart. She is also a person where I feel like I am putting all the effort into inviting her out, calling her, etc and get nothing in return. So I stopped trying. If she wants to keep our friendship, she has to put more of an effort into it. I still talk to her, it's just not the same as it used to be.

[J-girl]

Well tonight I was just reading the post about ppl needing ppl... and I think your all totally right we all need some sort of affection. I guess I'm just wondering how many ppl out there actually have those best friends from like child hood and what not... I recently have stopped talking to 3 of my childhood friends, well actually they stopped tlaking to me, and I was looking at the one girls pictures on the web, seeing that she stays in contact with them still.. and it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me?... Do I have something wrong that I can't get that close to ppl or I fear the closeness, b/c I will get hurt?.. yes, this is true, but am I that unlikeable ppl don't want to stick around?... I don't know, just some thoughts and curiousity really about others. I guess I still feel guilty for waht went on in the summer, as I wasn't in contact with them, but now having told them through email I want to talk, and hearing nothing, it makes me think I did something I don't even know I did... ahh.. frustrating, anyways any thoughts hereE?
I think you should start afresh while you are still in school (when its easier to meet newer people). Join a club or something. Thats the only way I made friends at school.

[WorkInProgress]

THere is one girl who has been my friend the longest but over the past year I feel like we are drifting apart. She is also a person where I feel like I am putting all the effort into inviting her out, calling her, etc and get nothing in return. So I stopped trying. If she wants to keep our friendship, she has to put more of an effort into it. I still talk to her, it's just not the same as it used to be.

One of my best friends from college and I have a relationship not unlike this. I'm hoping we can fix it.

[veniqe]

Sounds like one of my supposed "child-hood friends". I once called her and then her sister called her to the telephone. So, she groaned loudly "Oh God". Loud enough for me to hear her. I didn't call her on it, though. So when she got to the phone, she acted all surprised to hear it's me!!

With friends like those...

[dostoy]

I didn't sense that's what dostoy was talking about, especially since s/he said, "It's hard to care enough about friends to keep them around."
Yeah like I said it's a vicious cycle and part of it's my fault, but honestly I've never met anyone in my life who cared about anyone other than themselves, so I guess I get more and more cold hearted as I get older on account of it. Bleh I'm gonna be a mean old man sitting on my porch yelling at kids to get off my lawn.

[labrat2111]

Generally I don't have many friends but I'm pretty introverted so it doesn't bother me. I have mostly lost touch with my high school friends but that is because they have mostly moved away from Pennsylvania. One of my friends is in California and another in Michigan. Two have stayed in the area I grew up in (and one literally bought a house up the street from my parents) but I'm 3 hours away from there and I rarely get back.

However when we do get together it's pretty cool. Two 4th of Julys ago I ran into the one guy's mom at the supermarket and I called up my friends. I found out they were hanging out at the friend's place who lived up the street from my parents so I went over to hang out and drink. It was really cool to see how everyone was doing and everyone seemed pretty laidback about things -- not worried about who earned more or whatever. However since that time I haven't really talked much with anyone. We just have our seperate lives.

[wordsmith]

I think you should start afresh while you are still in school (when its easier to meet newer people). Join a club or something. Thats the only way I made friends at school.

True, true. All of the people who became my closest friends in my years in college were the people I was involved in activities with (I was in the touring choir, and most of the people I still keep in touch with are the people I traveled with for four years in that), people I was on staff with as an RA, etc. Had I not been involved in things, and just relied on knowing people through class and the residence halls, I wouldn't have gotten to know most of my closest friends from those years.

[cheshrcarol]

I do have a best friend, and we've been friends since we were 15. However, he is my only "childhood" friend left and pretty much my only friend at home. I have college friends that I'm close with, but none of them live close by. And I have acquaintance-y type friends at home too, but he's the only one I'd call up to do stuff one-on-one with.

And the two of us have a very odd relationship - 1 part best friends, 1 part old married couple and 1 part brother and sister. No one really gets us, not my other friends or my family. But we don't realy care. We are who we are. The best analogy is that we're EXACTLY like Will & Grace.

Sometimes I worry that I let him be too important in my life and that we're subsitutes for eachother having significant relationships. And every time one of us talks about moving, the other one gets really upset. *sigh* oh well, sorry to ramble on about my own issues!

[wordsmith]

...but I guess you grow out of it, or at least, I have, wanting to or not.

I don't think I've had the "best friend" feel since I was in college and had a guy and a girl I did pretty much everything with. The girl, I was an RA with, and you never saw one of us and not the other, and when you mixed in our guy pal (gay, natch), we were the three musketeers. It was just an easy camaraderie...I miss that, but it's like the adult world doesn't allow for such close, sibling-like bonds between friends in the same way.

[cheshrcarol]

it's like the adult world doesn't allow for such close, sibling-like bonds between friends in the same way.I think that's part of the reason why people don't get us. It's like you're supposed to grow up and get married and be friends with parents of your kids' friends. And that's so not my life, and may not ever be.

[Kitty]

I'm still friends with a bunch of my childhood friends. I dont' really think I have a "best friend" though.

[Chameleon]

Ah, the inseperable high school best friends, that was awesome until boys got involved. Men - they ruin everything!!! :razz: :razz: :razz:

Post college, Succubus, a male co-worker and myself were a trio, a very gossip riddled trio since Succubus would tell us different stories about her drama du jour. Then she started dating the co-worker, someone she SWORE she's wasn't attracted to (too fat, too boring, not rich enough to support the lifestyle she wanted) and they are still breaking up and making up 3 years later mostly because co-worker has a savior complex and keeps taking her back.

I think friendships sometimes require pruning.

dostoy, when I was having trouble starting over post-Succubus amputation, my mom kept reminding me that in order to make a friend, you have to BE a friend. Oftentimes you have to be the first one to show that you care about something outside of yourself, sometimes people reciprocate, sometimes they don't. You shouldn't be keeping score of every good you get back in return (no friendship is equal) but at the same time, you shouldn't let people walk all over you.

[winneythepooh7]

...but I guess you grow out of it, or at least, I have, wanting to or not.

I don't think I've had the "best friend" feel since I was in college and had a guy and a girl I did pretty much everything with. The girl, I was an RA with, and you never saw one of us and not the other, and when you mixed in our guy pal (gay, natch), we were the three musketeers. It was just an easy camaraderie...I miss that, but it's like the adult world doesn't allow for such close, sibling-like bonds between friends in the same way.

I miss this as well. And don't have any "advice" except if you still have some ties, to continue to stay in contact. And use different options for socialization. I posted an ad on Craigslist recently looking for new female friends. I spoke with someone my age that lives and works near to me this morning for over a half hour. We are going to meet up for coffee on Thursday after work. It's hard but you have to put yourself out there. Maintaining friendships is almost like "dating" IMO.

[and1grad]

I dont have any childhood friends either. My oldest friend is from high school. My best friends are from college and I think we actually do act like siblings. I know we pretty much consider each other family and I think we all recognize how lucky we are to be/have such good friends.

[wordsmith]

I still have the emotional bonds, but when you're hundreds or even thousands of miles apart, you can't keep the same things as you could when you could meet up daily if you wanted to. I really miss that. I consider my friends family, but it would be eaiser, if, like my real family, they were close by.

[winneythepooh7]

I still have the emotional bonds, but when you're hundreds or even thousands of miles apart, you can't keep the same things as you could when you could meet up daily if you wanted to. I really miss that. I consider my friends family, but it would be eaiser, if, like my real family, they were close by.

Definitely agree. I was recently having this conversation with someone who was once my Best Friend. She lives in VA though, and it's just really hard. We vow to get together but as bad as it sounds, life always seems to get in the way. A week goes by, then a month, and pretty soon it's a year before you see each other again. And I'm not a big phone person either. I'd rather just hang out in person, but when you live hundreds of miles away, that's not really an option.

[wordsmith]

Yup, the last person I was close to like a sister (other than my real sister), lives in Minneapolis now and I'm 500 miles away. We're still tight, still talk, keep in touch, but we can't grab lunch and I can't run down to her place and have coffee, or run off on the spur of the moment to some fun thing like we could when we were neighbors and then roommates. I've been able to get back to Minnesota about once a year since graduating from college, and going from seeing somebody daily to once a year literally overnight changes the dynamic, even if you don't want it to.

[WorkInProgress]

Yup, the last person I was close to like a sister (other than my real sister), lives in Minneapolis now and I'm 500 miles away. We're still tight, still talk, keep in touch, but we can't grab lunch and I can't run down to her place and have coffee, or run off on the spur of the moment to some fun thing like we could when we were neighbors and then roommates. I've been able to get back to Minnesota about once a year since graduating from college, and going from seeing somebody daily to once a year literally overnight changes the dynamic, even if you don't want it to.

I think this is what I miss (missed?) most from college. But my best friend and I work hard to maintain our friendship, and we visit several times a year (as money and schedules permit), and, at least for us, when we do actually get to spend time together in person, it's like nothing ever changed. But friendships like ours, I truly believe, are one in a million.

[wordsmith]

I think this is what I miss (missed?) most from college. But my best friend and I work hard to maintain our friendship, and we visit several times a year (as money and schedules permit), and, at least for us, when we do actually get to spend time together in person, it's like nothing ever changed. But friendships like ours, I truly believe, are one in a million.

Bah. I'm not explaining myself well enough. This is the same with my best friend from then. But it's seriously once a year at best, and even though it's like we pick up where we left off, it's still not like I'm happy to only enjoy that connection with that limited frequency.

[WorkInProgress]

Bah. I'm not explaining myself well enough. This is the same with my best friend from then. But it's seriously once a year at best, and even though it's like we pick up where we left off, it's still not like I'm happy to only enjoy that connection with that limited frequency.

I can get that. I'd prefer it if my friend and I lived close enough for regular visits as well, but it's just not possible right now, which sucks.

[littledancerus]

My best friend I met at college also. She lives a little over a 2 hour drive away now & we used to work together every day so it's sad. We do see each other 1-2 times a month though. Usually more in the summer than the winter because driving conditions are so unpredictable in the winter. She is comming here this weekend!!! & then I'm going there next weekend... hehe! We send each other silly cards all the time. I'll email her when I'm bored at work. I think we have a good relationship for being so far apart.

I do not have any friends still from childhood though. The kids I hung out with as a kid are totally different than me now. Most didn't go to college, they just got married, had a baby & bought a moble-home. The guys work in the factories & the girls stay at home w/ the babies. We have nothing in common. The only person I am consistantly in touch with from my school days is someone I met freshman year in hs. He & I dated for 2 years in hs, then hated each other, then made up while in college & are now good friends. So I've known him about... 11ish years.

[Krissy2006]

just a reply to everyones posts, which btw I'm so glad you all posted, I love them all! :)... I just wanted to say I think for me part of the reason I don't allow myself to be close with ppl, is b/c I'm afraid they won't accept me for me, all my idocyncrises, and then end up thinking I'm weird. My biggest idioism being my eating. If I don't want to pig out on a movie night, or have pizza, then they'll think I'm weird talk about me, say I'm getting too thin, blah blah blah... Llike tonight for eg, my roomie offered me pizza, which I didn't want, but I said "ya sure" and then threw it out when she and my other roomie left for class, just as to not cause anything, b/c I have lost weight since being up at school, and I know ppl worry b/c I don't eat alot, but at the same time, I eat, and I know my portions, and I eat alo tof veggies... ahh.. anyways I think thats part of the problem anyone understand this?

[CTGirl]

just a reply to everyones posts, which btw I'm so glad you all posted, I love them all! :)... I just wanted to say I think for me part of the reason I don't allow myself to be close with ppl, is b/c I'm afraid they won't accept me for me, all my idocyncrises, and then end up thinking I'm weird.

I actually much prefer weird and quirky people for my friends, they keep my life more interesting - the stranger the better :huge:

[Krissy2006]

even if it means you don't eat pizza and junk food together? lol

[CTGirl]

I lived with a vegetarian who was allergic to a million things, so I'm sure I could handle just about any eating habits from my friends :razz:

[and1grad]

even if it means you don't eat pizza and junk food together? lol
For some of my friends, this would make you a favorite. More for us!!

[Chameleon]

just a reply to everyones posts, which btw I'm so glad you all posted, I love them all! :)... I just wanted to say I think for me part of the reason I don't allow myself to be close with ppl, is b/c I'm afraid they won't accept me for me, all my idocyncrises, and then end up thinking I'm weird. My biggest idioism being my eating. If I don't want to pig out on a movie night, or have pizza, then they'll think I'm weird talk about me, say I'm getting too thin, blah blah blah... Llike tonight for eg, my roomie offered me pizza, which I didn't want, but I said "ya sure" and then threw it out when she and my other roomie left for class, just as to not cause anything, b/c I have lost weight since being up at school, and I know ppl worry b/c I don't eat alot, but at the same time, I eat, and I know my portions, and I eat alo tof veggies... ahh.. anyways I think thats part of the problem anyone understand this?
Is it stranger to just say "No, I already ate" or to sit with untouched pizza on your plate and then throw it away later? Wouldn't it be seen as bigger red flag to see discarded food (assuming someone looked in the trash accidentally)? And like and1grad noted, less people saying "Yes" to food I offer means more food for me! That's a good thing. If you feel the need to prove to your roommates that you are eating, why not offer THEM food after you cook and eat with them then? :)

The sooner you stop pretending to "not have a problem", the sooner your roommates can get used to your healthy eating habits. You aren't going to get them to trust that you are taking care of yourself by pretending to eat - isn't that classic eating disorder behavior? How long do you plan on carrying on this charade? You have to first trust that you are quirky and lovable (just like every other person on the planet) and you shouldn't act a certain way just to fit in. You are in college, you can fit in while doing just about anything, including eating healthy.

[Krissy2006]

Thanks guys your all hilarious! :) I love it!... I guess your right tho, never thought of it that way lol

[spiritedaway]

I have two best friends in my life, over two different periods in my life. They are still friends. Even though I don't see them all that much anymore, I still refer to them as my best friends (we used to call each other that, so I don't know if that will ever change)

They are both my childhood friends. One I have known all the way back from kindergarten. We both moved when we were 9 or 10 years old, but we kept in touch every year and especially on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. We've been a continent apart since so we can't hang out the way we used to. I missed that part of the friendship. I think both my parents and hers were surprised that we kept in touch after all these years. I travelled and visited her last year and it was wonderful to to catch up on things, though I am not sure we would have been friends though if I didn't know her back then...

My other best friend I've met after I moved. It was not expected, but we just clicked and it was all effortless. We're still friends and we meet up every now and then. We are not as close friends as before (she's getting married soon), but it's like no time has gone by whenever we meet up. I miss that kind of friendship. We have a lot of similar interests (go to practice together) and a lot of laughter together.

In general, I don't consider myself to have a lot of friends. I admit that sometimes I don't like people to get too close to me (my family usually fills that role well), but I'm also very selective about who my friends are. If I really have to think about it, I guess I have a decent group of not-often-get together friends. It's not the same as before, but I find that it tends to work out well in the 'adult' life.

[Krissy2006]

just out of curiousity, how old are you all? U all sound very mature, which is so nice considering there are so many pplp out there who have this very trivial immature approach to life. I guess lately, I have felt like I don't fit in, and then my thoughts wonder blah blah blah.... I just feel like I"m on the outside looking in...

[CTGirl]

just out of curiousity, how old are you all? U all sound very mature, which is so nice considering there are so many pplp out there who have this very trivial immature approach to life. I guess lately, I have felt like I don't fit in, and then my thoughts wonder blah blah blah.... I just feel like I"m on the outside looking in...

I think on average, most of us here are in our mid-late 20s, although I know there are some slightly older and younger than that (I'm 24 myself).

I think your observations may be the result of you still being in college hun, sometimes the college social environment can be like that, but outside of that, it's just you and the world, and the opinions of other, more shallow people, dont come into play as much I think.

[wordsmith]

I agree (and I'm 29)

[HollyM]

I'm still in touch with my 'best friend' from when I was a kid, looking back the only reason we were best friends was because our mums were really good friends and we used to have lots of days where our family's met up. We lost contact for quite a while but I was invited to her and her sisters wedding this year. It was really strange cause we have absolutely nothing in common now. She's pregnant, settled down and enjoys having a quiet life whereas I love travelling, adventure sports and have no wish to have kids at the moment! We had a chat but it felt like I was speaking to an acquaitance or someone I hardly knew...

[Krissy2006]

In general, I don't consider myself to have a lot of friends. I admit that sometimes I don't like people to get too close to me (my family usually fills that role well), but I'm also very selective about who my friends are. If I really have to think about it, I guess I have a decent group of not-often-get together friends. It's not the same as before, but I find that it tends to work out well in the 'adult' life.

I guess I just wish I had someone to fill the role, its just with my eating habits, and what not I always feel I'm the one ppl are whispering about, its awful. I just want to fit in, but at the same time, I feel like why should ppl care what i eat and don't eat, unless their concerned. I am still me :)... ahh i don't know, I also feel like two of my roomies are talking about me, or m/b thier just bonding who knows...

[wordsmith]

Do you think it's possible that you focus way more on what you worry other people might say about your eating habits than what is actually occurring? I don't mean to come off as mean, but you might be worrying needlessly that your habits are such a personal focus of others. I know you're self-conscious, but one of the biggest things about being self-conscious is that you get a warped perspective that other people are noticing all kinds of things they're probably not.

[spiritedaway]

Seriously, as long as you're eating healthy and not starving yourself, don't worry too much about what others think about your eating habits.

You may lose out on some bonding time (it happens and sometimes it doesn't feel all that good), but maybe there are other stuff you can do with your roomies so you guys to know each other better? (like going out for campus activities, movies, etc?)

just a reply to everyones posts, which btw I'm so glad you all posted, I love them all! :)... I just wanted to say I think for me part of the reason I don't allow myself to be close with ppl, is b/c I'm afraid they won't accept me for me, all my idocyncrises, and then end up thinking I'm weird. My biggest idioism being my eating. If I don't want to pig out on a movie night, or have pizza, then they'll think I'm weird talk about me, say I'm getting too thin, blah blah blah... Llike tonight for eg, my roomie offered me pizza, which I didn't want, but I said "ya sure" and then threw it out when she and my other roomie left for class, just as to not cause anything, b/c I have lost weight since being up at school, and I know ppl worry b/c I don't eat alot, but at the same time, I eat, and I know my portions, and I eat alo tof veggies... ahh.. anyways I think thats part of the problem anyone understand this?

[Krissy2006]

i know your right, all of you are. I shouldn't be so preoccupied, and I know there are other activities, which I try to get them out to, I do go out, I do like exercise I like to bike ride, walk etc. But why should I miss out on the bonding due to food?

[wordsmith]

When people are bonding over a meal and you want to be included, maybe you already ate or whatever, why not make a cup of tea or something and join in? My uncle is a dry alcoholic. He's not newly off the sauce, so he can do this, but he doesn't skip family events where people might be drinking simply because he can't/won't drink. He still takes part, he just drinks something n/a.

[Krissy2006]

I definately do do this, but I still feel like ppl are talking about me, which I don't think they have the right to, I do'nt starve myself, I do eat, and I know I would like to put on a BIT of wegiht, why can't ppl just understand? :sad: