So when does one have to make a choice...

[Deavan]

OK so hypothetically say you are dating 3 people at once at what point does one have to step up and make a choice?

Things are getting more serious but yet nobody is demanding that their particular situation/relationship become exclusive...do you just keep doing what you are doing until someone decides to have that conversation?

Also one of the people knows that other people are dating you as well and the other two have not asked...

[WorkInProgress]

Hm. Is there one in particular that this hypothetical person would want to date exclusively?

[Deavan]

Hm. Is there one in particular that this hypothetical person would want to date exclusively?

Um well lets say each person is liked for a different reason and all three people are very different from the other...so basically everytime this hypothetical person hangs out with one of the dates she likes them each more and more...

[WorkInProgress]

Not knowing a) how long this hypothetical person has been dating these guys, nor b) how far she has hypothetically gone with them physically, I'd say that it would probably be a good idea to clue in the 2 who aren't aware that the relationships are not exclusive (that way everyone's on the same page, even though this might result in the loss of one or both of them), particularly if it's possible to be passing STDs around.

It's something I'd want to know. But I assume that everyone's dating around until an agreement of exclusivity has been reached. Not everyone does, though, and therein lies the rub.

[Chameleon]

If hypothetical person enjoys dating all three, she should date all three, but if hypothetical wants to have sex with one of the three, she might want to let the others go (assuming hypothetical person thinks sex should occur only in exclusive relationships). Hypothetical person could stop dating all three and figure out the one she misses most. It could be that none of the three really spark said hypothetical person's interest in a way that it's clear who she'd want to be with so she needs to start over with another group of three :)

[Deavan]

If hypothetical person enjoys dating all three, she should date all three, but if hypothetical wants to have sex with one of the three, she might want to let the others go (assuming hypothetical person thinks sex should occur only in exclusive relationships). Hypothetical person could stop dating all three and figure out the one she misses most. It could be that none of the three really spark said hypothetical person's interest in a way that it's clear who she'd want to be with so she needs to start over with another group of three :)


LOL I agree about the sex thing and therin lies the problem...sex is definitly an indicator of things becoming more serious...however should wanting to potentially have sex with a date be the only decision factor??? Because I potentially could have sex with all 3...their is not one that is more in the "lust" category then the others

[WorkInProgress]

LOL I agree about the sex thing and therin lies the problem...sex is definitly an indicator of things becoming more serious...however should wanting to potentially have sex with a date be the only decision factor???

As opposed to what else?

[dostoy]

Be like on Friends, make pro and cons list of each guy.

[Deavan]

Be like on Friends, make pro and cons list of each guy.


good idea...

[Chameleon]

however should wanting to potentially have sex with a date be the only decision factor???
I didn't mean use sex to decide but decide before you use sex.

Also be careful since only one of the three knows there are other players on the field - why don't the others know? How long have you been dating them, hypothetically, that is?

Given the recent fallout of the last entanglement, maybe it's best to keep things casual for a little longer? Or take a breather?

[wordsmith]

I decided when one became the clear frontrunner.

[Ciderhillnh]

Alright….my 2 cents…
If you want to keep dating all 3, then date all 3. They should definitely know that they arent the only person you are dating (so they know that they can date others if they please to as well)

As far as sex…..thats your personal decision. If you want to sleep with all 3 to test the goods to help make your decision, then great! Do whatever you are comfortable with….just make sure that you are safe (that’s my only preachiness on this topic)

If you feel like sleeping with all 3 and continuing to just date and sleeping with all 3 and not making a commitment to any one guy, that is totally your perogative, and honestly I don’t see anything wrong with it. Others might, but you have to live in your skin and hear your thoughts, so as long as you are fine with it, hell I say go for it.

I am not implying that you are going to sleep with all 3 or even thinking about it…Im just saying that if you do, there isnt anything wrong with that.

[and1grad]

Because I potentially could have sex with all 3
I think you mean "this hypothetical person." Stop trying to confuse us. :)

[Deavan]

LOL And1...I think you mean "this hypothetical person." Stop trying to confuse us.

Attempting a lists of PROs and CONs

One of the guys is the one I got emotional with (from the last fallout that Ciderrefered too) and the other two guys.... one I have known for a year and he is the one who knows about the other dudes, well because he knows me and it is only fair since he was a friend first...and he is a great guy but he is also timid and we have only gone on like 5 really innocent dates and we see each other every weekend since we play on the same soccer team, however no messing around as of yet...and I am not sure where this one will go...again a ton of potential with this guy...

The other guy I met the same week as the dude I got emotional with...he just hasn't asked about if their are other guys but he is not exactly pressing for sex either but he is a way sensitive guy and really thoughtful we have totally made out and what not but nothing serious... an example of what he did for me is...he called me Sunday night and asked how my weekend went (not well) and I guess I vented a bit so the next day at work I have a vase of tulips from him with a note that said:
"I know you didnt have the greatest weekend and Monday's are always tough, so hopefully these will brighten your day a little!!"
a VERY thoughtful gesture I thought...


The dude I got emotional with is still in the picture but WAY less serious...(as in we stopped sleeping together) he technically knows about other guys but he didn't like it and at the same time he isnt willing to be exclusive with me so i just don't bring it up and I hang with him casually...because he is fun to be around but it is apparent that he isn't ready for a LTR so I am just dating him...we have a great time when we are together and he has come out with my friends a few times and is able to hold his own (which is important to me) but he needs to address some issues with himself before we become serious but I am not ready to cut the strings with him yet...not sure why but I am still drawn to him...I guess because now the ball is totally in my court...

[shimma]

I think you need to ask yourself some questions - do you feel sex needs to be monogamous? I'll keep my opinions out of this. What is your "limit" for "I'll ONLY do this in a committed, monogamous relationship"? If a guy is asking your for your limit, let's call it X, don't be afraid to tell him, "I only do that in monogamous relationships. Since we never discussed exclusivity, I am currently casually dating a few other men. If you would like to become monogamous, let's talk about that. But if you don't, I'm not going to do X. You can think what you want, but that's how I roll."

What are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking to have some fun, or are you definitely looking for longterm commitment or marriage? Who do you see as best filling this capacity?

Which one does it feel the most "natural" to be with?

Also:

Friends first is IMHO an excellent basis for a relationship (your partner should become your best friend) but can you deal with Friend-boy's timidity? Have you not "done" anything because of a lack of chemistry, or bc of not wanting to mess up the friendship?

Tulip-boy sounds sweet, but it sounds like you'd need to get to know him better. Do you see potential with him?

Can you deal with the "red flags" Emotion-boy's shown you, and the fact that he isn't ready for an LTR? Do you have what it takes/the desire to help him with his issues?

[Deavan]

I think you need to ask yourself some questions - do you feel sex needs to be monogamous? I'll keep my opinions out of this. What is your "limit" for "I'll ONLY do this in a committed, monogamous relationship"? If a guy is asking your for your limit, let's call it X, don't be afraid to tell him, "I only do that in monogamous relationships. Since we never discussed exclusivity, I am currently casually dating a few other men. If you would like to become monogamous, let's talk about that. But if you don't, I'm not going to do X. You can think what you want, but that's how I roll."

What are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking to have some fun, or are you definitely looking for longterm commitment or marriage? Who do you see as best filling this capacity?

Which one does it feel the most "natural" to be with?

Also:

Friends first is IMHO an excellent basis for a relationship (your partner should become your best friend) but can you deal with Friend-boy's timidity? Have you not "done" anything because of a lack of chemistry, or bc of not wanting to mess up the friendship?

Tulip-boy sounds sweet, but it sounds like you'd need to get to know him better. Do you see potential with him?

Can you deal with the "red flags" Emotion-boy's shown you, and the fact that he isn't ready for an LTR? Do you have what it takes/the desire to help him with his issues?

Thanks Shimma you have some excellent points!

[LaFille]

sounds like an episode of the bachelorette!

[PenforPrez]

Alright….my 2 cents…
If you want to keep dating all 3, then date all 3. They should definitely know that they arent the only person you are dating (so they know that they can date others if they please to as well)

I was in that position not too long ago. I was glad to know I wasn't the only one, but at the same time, it made me panic. But I panic about everything. I definitely think they should be made aware, though. I'd want to know.

Paul

[AG_47]

This reminds me of an episode of Friends where Phoebe is dating a teacher and a firefighter at the same time. She liked the teacher because he was sensitive but she liked the firefighter because he was manly. She decided to stick with the teacher, but when she tried to break up with the firefigher he started crying and talked about writing his feelings in a journal. She then decided to dump the teacher but when she went to break up with him, he was building a cabinet in his apartment, had his shirt off and was very manly. I don't remember how the episode ended but it reminded me of this situation. :rolleyes:

[Deavan]

I don't think you need to tell the 2 who don't know that you're seeing others unless they ask. No one should ever assume that you're exclusive... ever ever ever! If they do, well it's not your fault! Anyway, how long have you been dating them? My friend & I desided once that after 3 months, you pretty much know whether you really like someone enough to be exclusive with them. If you don't know after 3 months... then you don't really want to be with them!

Only been dating all three for 6-8 weeks at this point