Spinoff: Do you actually care how many friends your SO has?

[Kitty]

Fearless's thread got me thinking about the people we date and their friend situations.

So, my question is, do you care how many friends your SO or potential SO has? Would lack of friends ever hinder you from dating someone or getting serious with them?

What if you didnt like their friends? Could you look past it?

How do you expect your SO's friendships to play out in your relationship?

[CTGirl]

Like I said in the other thread, it doesnt matter to me how many friends the guy has, as long as he has a social life that he is happy with.

It's not fair, or healthy, to expect your SO to be your only social connection, but you don't have to have a huge clan of friends either.

[Krishna]

I don't like some of my boyfriend's friends. Sometimes I feel like they'd rather monopolize all his free time and leave non for me. However. For the most part his friends and I have reached a tactical understanding: we dont necessarily have to like each other, but we need to remain civil when we're in the same room. Those few friends that I don't like and I do our best to not enflame the situation with rude comments, because we realize that if things spiral out of control, one of us could lose out- either I'd lose my boyfriend or he'd lose a good friend...and neither of us is sure which way that would actually go down.

As far as number of friends, it doent really matter to me. As long as he's not constantly busy with them, I'm fine. (I just like to meet them so I know who I'm dealing with)

[mishl982]

Like I said in the other thread, it doesnt matter to me how many friends the guy has, as long as he has a social life that he is happy with.

It's not fair, or healthy, to expect your SO to be your only social connection, but you don't have to have a huge clan of friends either.
Agreed. Also if my SO has a good balance between me time and friends time (and both) then I'm happy.

Like me, D has a lot of aquaintances but a small close-knit group of friends. At one point I was upset because he never invited me out with them until I realized he doesn't even go out that often with them, so on the rare occasions he does, it's "guy time." Plus lately he's been inviting his friends out when a bunch of us go out to a bar or a party. He's learned that his friends and my friends DO mix! haha

[dostoy]

I want a girl that doesn't have too many friends, for a few reasons.

1.) A lot of girl friends tend to poison her ear towards me.
2.) A bunch of girls together can be annoying.
3.) She will think I'm attracted to her friends and get emotional.
4.) I don't have many friends myself so I get jealous if she does.

[MetFanL]

I don't care how many friends my SO has, but I do care about the quality and nature of those relationships. My ex had many people he'd call friends, but few that I would classify as more than acquaintances. And, of the ones who were actually his friends, he'd talk sh*t about them constantly. Yeah, maybe he was just venting, but that certainly factored into what I thought about him and DEFINITELY affected whether or not I wanted to stay friends with him after our relationship ended.

[WorkInProgress]

Like I said in the other thread, it doesnt matter to me how many friends the guy has, as long as he has a social life that he is happy with.

It's not fair, or healthy, to expect your SO to be your only social connection, but you don't have to have a huge clan of friends either.

Totally agree with this.

[veniqe]

If only I had one..But I'd feel weirded out if this guy didn't have at least some friends.

[CTGirl]

I want a girl that doesn't have too many friends, for a few reasons.

1.) A lot of girl friends tend to poison her ear towards me.
2.) A bunch of girls together can be annoying.
3.) She will think I'm attracted to her friends and get emotional.
4.) I don't have many friends myself so I get jealous if she does.

Wow, sounds like someones been burned! I hope you dont sincerely think all girls will have such problems.

I the relationships I've had, I've always been close with my bf's friends, and he's been close with mine, and we've mixed our friends together just fine. In my experience, someone who is compatible with me is going to be compatible with my friends, and vice versa. As a result, I've never had a problem with a guy spending too much time with his friends, and not with me, cuz I'm usually there too, and if not, I feel fine knowing he's with people I like and who like me too.

[wordsmith]

If a guy is more of a loner and is happy that way, that's cool. If he's got few friends and is lonely and unhappy over it, or expects me to take up all the slack, that's not so cool. Me, I hang out primarily with family. I'm sure the last guy I dated thought it was weird that most of my socializing that wasn't with him was with my sister and brothers and sisters in law, but if I'm happy with it, oh, well.

I have had BFs whose friends I love, and BFs whose friends kind of suck. I only take an issue with a BF's friends if they are rude to me (this has only happened once or twice). My one ex's best friend was ALWAYS a dick to me, because a. I didn't have "a friend for him," and b. I took issue with him hitting on my sister, who was in high school at the time, when I knew for a fact he was into somebody else and just playing with her.

I like it best if our respective friends can mesh well.

[LaFille]

if a guy has a couple of really close, loyal friends, i always take that as a good sign. if they are calling every ten minutes to go get drunk or see if he has weed or something, i take that as a bad sign.

i guess i wouldn't care if i didn't like his friends, depending on the reason. but i like most people in general so it probably would never be an issue. and lord knows, i have some friends who i wouldn't want an SO judging me on either! :eek:

[SmilesSoSweet]

I wouldn't care. As long as he has a couple good friends he can hang out with. I don't have too many good friends since I moved out here, so I wouldn't want a potential bf think I'm weird for not having a large group of friends either.

[Ciderhillnh]

I want a guy to be happy with his social situation, but also have enough friends that they have events and things going on so Im not always the party planner.

My current BF is a bit of a loner, but he lives with his 4 good friends, and talks to his others on the phone somewhat regularly.

He hasn’t made friends in this state since being here, but that might be because he has his friends that he lives with, and also that I have enough invites to keep him occupied so he doesn’t have to branch out that much.

[coll214]

The last guy i've dated has a lot of acquaintenances he refers to as 'buddies' :googly:. A select few i'd actually call 'friends', and of the ones i've met all seemed like nice enough guys. Unfortunately i've usually had the problems from my friends for varying reasons...

[dostoy]

Wow, sounds like someones been burned! I hope you dont sincerely think all girls will have such problems.

I the relationships I've had, I've always been close with my bf's friends, and he's been close with mine, and we've mixed our friends together just fine. In my experience, someone who is compatible with me is going to be compatible with my friends, and vice versa. As a result, I've never had a problem with a guy spending too much time with his friends, and not with me, cuz I'm usually there too, and if not, I feel fine knowing he's with people I like and who like me too.
I've really only met two kinds of girls in my life, girls who hang out in packs with other girls and are catty, and tomboys who only hang out with guys and are crazy. You seem to be the perfect ideal, and a lot of other girls on this board are perfect too from how they describe themselves, some of it I find hard to believe however.

[Chameleon]

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
- Cynthia Heimel

I think the people you choose to have around you says a lot about you. I guess I'd like my SO to have enough friends such that he'd have a life outside of me but not so many that is seems like a constant battle to get his attention or spend time with him. Though I think that would be more of a question of priorities not really the number of people that he knows.

[LaFille]

I've really only met two kinds of girls in my life, girls who hang out in packs with other girls and are catty, and tomboys who only hang out with guys and are crazy. You seem to be the perfect ideal, and a lot of other girls on this board are perfect too from how they describe themselves, some of it I find hard to believe however.

only two kinds of girls? where are you hanging out?

[veniqe]

I've really only met two kinds of girls in my life, girls who hang out in packs with other girls and are catty, and tomboys who only hang out with guys and are crazy. You seem to be the perfect ideal, and a lot of other girls on this board are perfect too from how they describe themselves, some of it I find hard to believe however.

DUDE!! How many girls do you know? I've got lots of friends from both sexes and can be catty at times but at mostly very nice. Do you have a box for me as well?

I guess I'd like my SO to have enough friends such that he'd have a life outside of me

I have such a filthy brain!

[CTGirl]

I've really only met two kinds of girls in my life, girls who hang out in packs with other girls and are catty, and tomboys who only hang out with guys and are crazy. You seem to be the perfect ideal, and a lot of other girls on this board are perfect too from how they describe themselves, some of it I find hard to believe however.

You doubt our perfection? :razz:

Neither myself nor any of my female friends fit into any of your categories. Maybe in hs some of them did, but certainly not now. Go out and find yourself some better women!

[LaFille]

You doubt our perfection? :razz:

Neither myself nor any of my female friends fit into any of your categories. Maybe in hs some of them did, but certainly not now. Go out and find yourself some better women!
yeah exactly... in high school. a lot changes with the years.

[dostoy]

You doubt our perfection? :razz:

Neither myself nor any of my female friends fit into any of your categories. Maybe in hs some of them did, but certainly not now. Go out and find yourself some better women!
Where are the single girls like you?!? Wait . . . nevermind there's a thread here on that.

[CTGirl]

Where are the single girls like you?!?

If only I had a dime for every time I've been asked that question.....no, wait, scratch that - if only I had an equally perfect single guy for every time I've been asked that question :huge:

[and1grad]

I think the people you choose to have around you says a lot about you.
Totally agree. Its not the quantity but the quality of the people you choose to surround yourself with. I think it would be an issue if I found myself disliking someone's friends...or if my friends disliked her, as well.

[embrassezla]

My SO only has one friend whom I actually feel uncomfortable around, for various reasons. He does too, actually. But they have certain specific things in common that serve to sustain the friendship, while everything else is polar opposite. I can understand that.

[stonemonkey]

I tend to think that the number and quality of friends a person has is used as an indicator to gauge how 'normal' someone is. Or abnormal, I guess. If someone has 'too few' friends, then doesn't that ring some alarm bells? The obvious implication, whether deserved or not, is that this person is somehow incapable of making friends, that there's something wrong with them. I guess when you're first meeting someone, you regard these things suspiciously, but if you've gotten to know them well enough, then you might realise how stupid stressing over something like this is.

Anyway, my naive picture of how a guy should be and what is considered attractive in general involves him being sociable and outgoing, and having a decent set of friends. It's not one thing that will make or break the deal, but I guess it's about having enough positives in your corner to stand out, just like any other job interview.

[and1grad]

It doesnt ring any bells to me b/c friends arent always that easy to come by...especially if you're new to an area.

[WorkInProgress]

It doesnt ring any bells to me b/c friends arent always that easy to come by...especially if you're new to an area.

Exactly what I think about it.

[stonemonkey]

It doesnt ring any bells to me b/c friends arent always that easy to come by...especially if you're new to an area.

I agree, but that's you, that's us, really. We know these things and actually understand. But is the same viewpoint held by the general population? The rest of the world who don't post here? I know the standard response to that is 'well, screw them, if they're that shallow then they're not worth it anyway'. But what if that's almost everyone out there?

When you hardly know anything about someone, anything that seems out of the ordinary gets amplified, it's just like that Seinfeld bit on how you overanlayse the other person and wonder if you could live with that for the rest of your life.

[LakeJay]

I only cared about my last gf's # of friends because we were in an LDR and she was new to her area. Obviously that added more stress to our relationship when she wasn't really hanging out with people and her main social interaction was my hot breathy voice over the phone. :rolleyes:

All in all it's quality over quantity. I've questioned a person's character more for who he/she was hanging out with on the regular rather than how people he/she was able to hang out with. I'll take one real cool friend of a friend rather than a boatload of asshole friends of friend.

[wordsmith]

You had an LDR, Lake Jay?

[LakeJay]

You had an LDR, Lake Jay?

Yes? Did I say it wrong?

[wordsmith]

Hah, no...I just didn't recall that about you.

[LakeJay]

Oh yeah...I was in one. I thought I might have mentioned it before.

[CTGirl]

I agree, but that's you, that's us, really. We know these things and actually understand. But is the same viewpoint held by the general population? The rest of the world who don't post here? I know the standard response to that is 'well, screw them, if they're that shallow then they're not worth it anyway'. But what if that's almost everyone out there?

I can understand what you're saying, but my thought on this is why do I want to appeal to the "general population"??? I'm looking for a SO not running for office, who cares what the majority of Americans think, the majority of Americans think some pretty stupid stuff. I'll stick to being who I am thank you very much :huge:

[WorkInProgress]

I can understand what you're saying, but my thought on this is why do I want to appeal to the "general population"???

I'd agree. But I don't think it's people in general.

[wordsmith]

Me, three. Most people don't really make my "are they interesting enough" cut, anyway.

[stonemonkey]

I can understand what you're saying, but my thought on this is why do I want to appeal to the "general population"??? I'm looking for a SO not running for office, who cares what the majority of Americans think, the majority of Americans think some pretty stupid stuff. I'll stick to being who I am thank you very much :huge:

Right, and that's fair enough. I just wonder where to draw the line sometimes. I can understand the "I am what I am, deal with it or go to hell" viewpoint, but taken to its extreme, you'd end up with nobody. The mainstream idealisation of beauty is pretty stupid, yet people go on diets in an effort to acheieve it. My natural tendency is to be bitter and negative, but if I didn't adjust my behaviour, nobody would like me.

[BOLD]

I've really only met two kinds of girls in my life, girls who hang out in packs with other girls and are catty, and tomboys who only hang out with guys and are crazy. You seem to be the perfect ideal, and a lot of other girls on this board are perfect too from how they describe themselves, some of it I find hard to believe however.

I haven't been here very long, but CT does seem pretty cool, just don't make her mad.

As for me, I have literally thousands of acquaintances, but less than 5 friends. We are each others best man at weddings, we all ban together when one of us needs help, and most importantly we know that when we get angry at each other the best thing to do is sit quietly for a few minutes and think about why we are friends in the first place, and it always works out in the end.

[BOLD]

Right, and that's fair enough. I just wonder where to draw the line sometimes. I can understand the "I am what I am, deal with it or go to hell" viewpoint, but taken to its extreme, you'd end up with nobody. The mainstream idealisation of beauty is pretty stupid, yet people go on diets in an effort to acheieve it. My natural tendency is to be bitter and negative, but if I didn't adjust my behaviour, nobody would like me.

I think eventually people start to mimic your own behavior, so if you can remain cool, the rewards will be great.

[CTGirl]

I haven't been here very long, but CT does seem pretty cool, just don't make her mad.


What's that supposed to mean? I'm a very nice girl, I dunno what you're talking about :razz: