My Social "Groundhog Day" Weekends!

[Detroiter]

I'm a 24 y/o male and I am finding myself reliving the same weekend over and over. Many of my friends have married their significant others from college. For those of us who are single, it's the bar scene every weekend. If we don't do the bar it's usally hang out with the couple friends who talk about their weddings (which usually depresses you) or stay in (basically accepting being a loser!). So, in theory, I keep living the same weekend over and over just like in the movie "Groundhog's Day."

What I have come to notice is that once you graduate from college and work FT with people who are 10+ years older than you, the chances of finding or meeting a social companion to hang out with or date decrease significantly. On top of that, to find someone professional who is attractive and single...well basically your dealing with 5% of the general population that would fall into your criterias. It's extremely difficult to find quality women who are college educated, fun, and who are SINGLE!!

So what are we supposed to do? My guy friends and I all do agree that this sucks, yet we continue to re-live the same Friday and Saturday night activities; going to bars and clubs. I mean if you really have no contact with people in your job or through others where can you really go to meet people? Every weekend really is "Groundhog's Day"!!

[michalmm]

I totally agree with you. Plus, by the time you finish working 40+ hours a week staring at a computer scene it just becomes obnoxious to get up the energy to try and hit the bars.

[Stack1636]

I couldn't agree with you more, Detroiter. I'm a 27-year old female with a large number of married or seriously involved friends. I luckily have a great group of single professional friends that I spend time with as well, but it's hard to get our schedules in sync to plan something that involves more than just hitting our favorite sports bar after work. I guess for me - for now - that's good enough. I know it seems like we do the same things every weekend, but I'm happy to have the company of people that are like me. Actually we're trying to plan a trip to Vegas in the spring as a group.

As far as meeting new people, I suggest getting on a sports team, joining a gym, or joining a civic group - like your local Jaycees chapter if there is one available. It's something a little different than just hitting the bars, and you might find what you're looking for. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I hear you, Detroiter. I live in D.C. and it's pretty much the same scene here too, which is ironic because there are a lot of young people in this town. I get the feeling that people are either too busy to socialize or are afraid of appearing too lonely. Most of my friends stayed back home after graduation so they're pretty clueless about this whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Do you think this is more of a problem for men, or do single women face the same kind of issues. I'm 27 years old and i'm tired of going to the bars trying to pick up women too.

[Stack1636]

It's the same for women - trust me. I'm also 27 and tired of trying to "find" someone in a bar too. I guess that's why I don't look anymore, but my patience is wearing thin. Thank goodness for having a good group of friends!!

[Eric81975]

Everyone is so correct on this it is certainly scarry. I find the Bar scene somewhat boring, I find that you really need to make an effort! You have to be out going even if its not you. Because in the long run, it will honestly help. I would suggest, the next person you see, or maybe walk by, say "hello". See if they say "hello" back. Chances are they will. What I am finding is that most people just want to be noticed, and if thats discovered then there is just so much more to see!!! So you are all right about the social scene it stinks, but we all need to make that extra effort and have patience, and as a result, we will be much happier!!!! I wonder if anyone else agrees?

[Anonymous]

I agree, being single can be scary. I mean, I'm new to DC (Bethesda) and have met men, but then I find out that they have girlfriends or worse, are engaged (unfortunately, true). Supposedly, there are all these single, unattached people in this darn city, but I fail to see them! Everytime I go out, even to the damn grocery store, all I see are couples; it's like people are ashamed to go out by themselves or something. If I go to do different events, the people there are cool, but my parents age. Sorry to vent, but I'm getting so frustrated.

[Anonymous]

In response to the last post, one of those single people in *that* darn city is my ex-boyfriend... (I live on the other coast.)Maybe you will meet him. It IS really unfortunate how difficult it is to meet other people and how lonely everybody is.

[Unregistered]

A few thoughts on meeting people: (with plenty of details to try and answer possible objections)

1)Personal Ads
2)Volunteer work
3)Clubs/sports leagues/poetry groups, etc.

1) Try the personal ads. Yeah, I know this seems desperate. But it does work. IF YOU WRITE A GOOD AD (be honest and realistic in what you say, it may take you a few tries to find an ad that works), YOU WILL MEET PEOPLE.

A few years ago I met a girlfriend through the personal ads. Things did not work out romantically, but we are still friends several years later.

If you do try the personals, here are few tips, based on my own expereinces and people I met through the personals.

Women placing an ad will likely get a lot of responses, but many of them will be of low quality and not worth a date (ie you say 22-32 years old, and 42 year old guys respond. Use email or the phone to screen these guys out) Guys placing an ad will likely get fewer responses, but most of the women will be worth at least one date.

So what seems to work best for guys is placing an ad, and for women, responding to ads. However, feel free to experiment.

2) Volunteer for a group or cause. There are so many groups looking for volunteers, I bet everyone can find a group they are interested in helping, whether in social services, environmental, little league, a political campaign, or some other cause.

In some cases, you may get experience that is better than what you get on the job. I serve on a couple of volunteer boards, and deal with budgets in the thousands of dollars, something that does not happen on the job.

Best of all, volunteering does not cost you anything.

3)Clubs/sports leagues/alumni events/poetry groups, etc.:
Whatever you hobby or interest, unless you live in a small town, I bet there is a group out there that does you activity. Because clubs can often get group rates, sometime activites are cheaper than if you did them with a few friends.

One note about clubs: In some larger clubs, certain activities attract a younger crowd and others an older crowd. Ask several members if certain activites attract an younger crowd before you write off the club as too old.

Even though you may meet older a lot of older people in 2 & 3, they can still be worthwile. You may find out about simmilar groups that have a younger crowd, or you may meet someone who is one of the few younger participants. (that happened to me) If nothing else, hopfully you will do something meaningful and/or fun while you are trying to meet someone.

Hopefully you all will try at least one of these a few time before you complaign again about having trouble meeting people.

Tom G

[Unregistered]

I do have to say about personal ads, at least online ads, that to go in not expecting anything. I have done these, and met two guys,. One was very nice and seemed cool on the phone and e-mail, but when I met him in person, he was painfully shy and shorter than he said in the ad. The other guy, ughh, kept e-mailing and FINALLY asked to actually meet and was cute, but was a complete jerk in person. Didn't even walk me to my car! I've e-mailed with many (yes, even after I sent my pic) and they just stop. The point is, it is finding a needle in a haystack and many times you'll e-mail and even talk on the phone and nothing will happen. AS for activities, I have met a lot of guys, however, they were too old for me to date, but were very nice. I say, at least, you'll make friends. I just know that for me, attraction, is the total package which you can't get online.

[crazywillie]

It is funny...trying to meet people these days. And I couldn't agree more about the groundhog day feeling, but make the best out of it. What I agree with most is the 5% thing, after you boil it down to someone who is in shape, has a solid head on their shoulders, and is attractive, then you have to worry about the compatibility thing.

I feel like personal ads could be ok, but I would feel like a loser if I plunged into those.

I would say your best bet is to work in a company of younger people, in that way at least you will have more female friends and those friends will hopefully try to hook you up with their friends. Once you get out of school you need to get hooked up by friends and co workers, finding a girl at a bar that is actually cool for more than a night is very difficult.

Good luck bro.

[Unregistered]

Well, I thought that way too. I've only done like Match.com and Jdate and yes, I agree I haven't met anyone special yet but I know some, some people who have. It's very hard when you work 98% of your week and whenever I go out, whoever I find attractive has a very, hmm, "aware of her surroundings" woman by his side. I mean, yes, I do meet guys at partys, or whatever, but 9/10 they are weirdos (you would agree, trust me!) or turn out to be players who never call or gosh, 40-somethings divorcees. I mean, what do you suggest, since you are a guy? I mean even at a single's event, the guy who talked to me for half of the night later turned out to be engaged (poor fiance!). Of course, why would I meet someone nice and single. Sorry, I'm just getting really frustrated with this supposed wonderful area for singles--NOT!

[Unregistered]

I'm a 26 year old, single female in the DC area. I too have found it difficult to meet nice guys! Well, last weekend, I attended a singles only party. It was awesome! A friend of a friend hosted it and my friend and I went. We both met a bunch of people there and I even ended up with a date for Valentine's Day! We've tossed around the idea of making this a monthly event.

My suggestion to singles out there is to do something similar. All of you know singles who know other singles who know other singles! This was especially good for me, as I could get some background info on the guys that I met there through friends.

It's all about networking and expanding your social circles.

Have fun!

[Unregistered]

I'm a single in the DC area, can i go to those parties?!

[Unregistered]

I'm glad that you found something. Don't get me wrong, I don't go to events, where I have no interest in what they're doing. I just feel like lately, it's easier to meet a 40 years old divorcees that a 25 year old unattached guy. Probably because they're divorced by 40! Seriously, what is the name of this group (don't know if you're allowed to say it)? Thanks!

[ontariogirl]

I'm sort of new here and already feeling better that there are in fact lots of people going through just what i have been going through. I dated someone for 4 years (on and off) and really, he was the one i thought i would marry. Only to find out four years later that he didn't feel the same way. I recently found out that he is getting married this year to someone else. It has left me wondering what she has that i didn't, and leaving me with a huge sense of loss - the loss of someone i truly loved, but also the loss of four years of my life and i am only 26! Now i've started dating again, only to face so many men who think that every girl is expecting this huge committment right away. I'm not saying that every guy is like that, but i am in no way looking for something serious and do not give off that vibe - yet still, guys seem to get scared in fear of committment. Why is that? I feel like i will never meet someone and be comfortable now, it's too hard when i can never figure out how they are feeling. One day they love you - the next they don't call you again. Anyway, life is hard at this age. You constantly question your job, your friends, your dating habits. Everything!!

[Unregistered]

Its funny to read the 'Groundhog Day' tring to find women in bars thing! I can relate to it 100% It happens in Europe too!

I'm a 25yo Male professional. I'm not looking for a wife, but I enjoy mixed company and miss the group of friends I had at school/college.

As someone pointed out, apart from at work, its hard to find 20-something women who are attractive, single and, above all, intelligent. If you live in a small town and work in a predominantly middle-aged male environment this can be even more difficult!

[Unregistered]

Originally posted by ontariogirl
i am in no way looking for something serious and do not give off that vibe - yet still, guys seem to get scared in fear of committment. Why is that?

as a guy, I can admit that I have felt scared of commitment.

I'm not accusing you of this, but, in my experience, a lot of women start hinting/talking about true love, the future, marriage and kids very early on in a relationship.

They probably mean it in an abstract way, and are just expressing their ideal future, but I personally find it a bit off-putting. I don't know what it is exactly, but its probably the thought someone else is planning your life for you. This would be ok with someone you genuinely loved, but not someone on a first date!


[i]
You constantly question your job, your friends, your dating habits. Everything!!
I can agree with that. Some people don't seem to worry about anything, whereas others.....

[wordsmith]

In response to below post:

I have expereinced the reverse of this, lately, as a woman. Maybe because I've moved back to a small town from an urban area, I've gotten used to people playing the field longer.

But here, in white picket-fence small town midwest, it seems like it's the 20-something GUYS who are anxious to do the settling down.

I've been seeing somebody lately who I thought would not fall prey to this, because he's several years younger than I am. But, lo and behold, he's been the first one to want committment-esque labels on stuff, and it turns out he's been ENGAGED already.

When we had a hypothetical discussion (early on, too), of where you'd see yourself in the next 5 years, my response was, "God knows...I barely know where I see myself in six months?" and his was "Married and maybe with a COUPLE OF KIDS."

Whereas I would hesitate to say that I'm scared of hints of this kind of committment (and yes, he knows that's not where I'm at, and, yes, cynical old me thinks that reality may contribute to the eventual parting of ways), it's interesting to see the flip-flop, which is, I think, due to demographics. You don't play the field if you know you're never gonna leave a small town, 'cause there's no field to play.

[Unregistered]

In reply to your reply!

It seems that there are cultural differences between countries, towns and even social groups.

I'm from the UK. Most of my friends of my age (24/25) are graduates, doing professional-type jobs and are very much single. This is quite normal, although that doesn't mean I'm not looking and I do go on dates. I'd just prefer to be with someone who is worth it rather than just anyone.

People who didn't go to college are more likely to be settled down than graduates, but the average age to actually get married in the UK is around 30!

I did notice that in the US and Canada there's a bit more eof a 'dating' scene and people do seem to get married younger.

[TosaGirl]

Groundhogs day, what a perfect example of what is going on!! I feel exactly the same. I do work with people who are my age, but still dont meet people (other than them), try a few different things, but still dont meet people. I have tried to come to terms with my having to wait until its the 'right' time. I just met this guy who is a friend of a coworker, thought he was kinda cool, a bit brash (as he just got out of the Navy after 4 years on a submarine!), and then another coworker tells me he is such an jerk!! Saying how he wants to do unmentionables to EVERY woman out there and was just not nice. It made me wonder...when am I going to find a man worth my time? I have tried the personal ads, only guys I have met off there have been COMPLETE losers, the one I did meet and really liked, once we met in person, he seemed like he freaked out and disapeared. I feel like its me, that I am a weird person, or am ugly, or something is seriously wrong that people dont even want to give me the time of day!! I am 26, never dated anyone, been on like maybe 4 'dates' in my life (Not really dates in my book, but others consider it as being them!) I just think why me?? Its not like I am an ugly chick, or rude or something, but it comes down to the same thing everyone else spoke of, the same ol' situation every week and not being able to meet others. Either you dont meet singles because of where you work or the amount of work you do, or you meet them and get blown off. I feel the same way as someone said with the friends all being in relationships which just depresses you. 3 of my best friends (2 from high school, one from college, and she's my best friend) are all getting married THIS summer....that just depresses me, when is it going to be my turn? why do I have to keep waiting?? My sister is 31 and she has had the same luck in the man department, nothing. i think its a bad and not funny family curse.

[Unregistered]

I'm a 24 year old male and I haven't had a date in nearly 7 years, and even then only a few dates. I tried online personals, but basically received only joke responses.

[wordsmith]

It seems like there are lots of us who haven't been in relationships or don't date much. I'm sure the reasons are as varied as we are...anybody care to share their reasons?

A few of mine:

-I live in a low-population area with not a lot of people my own age, including at work, so there go those connections. But honestly, when I lived in a metropolis, it was no better.

-I can be shy, and have maybe been perceived as standoffish.

-I'm an idealist, and therefore sort of picky.

-I tend to get hung up on crushes that go nowhere, and then, for the time being, no one else seems worth my time.

[Amy]

I tried 2 online dating services. I went on a few dates, but nothing really worked out. I know that something is wrong with me, but I cannot figure it out. All I know is that I've been single for 7 years, I'm 25 and if I do not have a boyfriend in one year i'm going to shoot myself. Could my problem that I am becomming more and more obsessive and neurotic?

I hate dating. I think that a date went pretty well...and then no call, no email. I HATE waiting for the phone to ring. I can't stop myself. Everytime I come home and see no messages I slide further and further into my depression. Men are making me crazy.

I have a tenative date this weekend, but I'm thinking of canceling so that I don't have to go through the horrid phone-not-ringing-for-a-week period.

I think I'd rather be just lonley than lonley and depressed. Those seem to be my choices...

[Unregistered]

I know it sounds superficial but when you look good, you feel good and that shows through. Color your hair or get a nice cut, work out. Do you like sports, join a sports league. I wouldn't recommend online, never had luck, met a lot of weirdos and jerks. It's funny, the moment I gave up, I met 2 guys. Though I don't have much romantic chemistry w/ one guy, there wasn't any awkwardness on our date. The other guy I really like and we have more in common. Make male and female friends, I met these guys through my guy friend's soccor league and met him through my best friend's ex-boyfriend. Isolation is not the answer, you have to keep yourself busy.

[Amy]

I just can't face it. I have almost everything I need here on my couch.

I go to the gym, looked cute, etc. It got me nowhere. I almost think that it intimidated men I went out with.

The pharmacy I use is online..I can pay bills online. Order in food. I can't think of a reason to leave the house and a million reasons to stay here on my couch...

[wordsmith]

For the love of God, you MUST leave the house. Even if you don't want to. I feel for you. I have been in this position. It's been six years since I've been in what I would consider to be a real relationship (I refuse to count undefined, predominantly one-sided things anymore).

The guy I've been seeing, I met because my one single friend literally forced me to leave the house on a friday night. She followed me to the video store and literally barred the racks until I agreed not to spend yet another weekend on my loveseat with only my sweats to keep me company.

Granted, it's more a casual relationship, and, granted, the prospect of meeting a guy shouldn't be your one reason for leaving the house, but it drove home to me the point that holing up in my house (even though I wanted to and it was easier) was only going to allow the world to pass me by.

[Amy]

I want the world to pass me by. I'm not comming out of here till I'm at least 30. I think I can even work from home.

[Uber]

I'm living groundhog weekend also (24yo professional male seeking a single, attractive, intelligent female). I have never really met a girl on my own and now as single friends are fewer, I don't even have people to help out. I basically don't know where to look for women. I am selective, I'm a shy niceguy, busy with work, and everything else that used to be good but seems counter productive in today's scene. My question is, how can girls be feeling the same way? Seriously, if guys and girls are both staying home and not looking then that's the problem. But where do we go? The bars don't work anymore (if they ever did) because all of the quality people have been scared away. I'm just minutes from one of the biggest cities in the world, yet I feel so alone. I cannot even meet one single interesting girl, let alone find 'the one'.

As to the comment about cultural differences concerning when to settle down, it seems much more localized than that. I've lived in 3 different bordering states and they are all different. The area I live in currently is predominantly not-married-til-30 or more, but just an hour down the road, if you aren't married by 21, you're the standout. I guess it just depends on the specific area.

I would also recommend never waiting for a phone call. If you are interested in a guy or girl, wait a couple days depending on the situation, but don't play into the games or you are part of the problem. If you don't hear from them, give them a call. If nothing comes of it, you weren't meant to be.

Those are just my thoughts, but what do I know, =).