Unrequited love...HELP!!!!!

[spikerags]

This is my first time posting, and I have a situation that is driving me crazy.
I have fallen head over heels for a girl (now a medical student) I knew in college, and was at most friends with. Last year (3 years after college ended), I tried to e-mail her casually, and we exchanged two e-mails, that was it. I thought everything had cooled, but I find I think of her 24-7 now. I am a law student, a staid person. I am fortunate to have lined up a great job for the summer (and when I graduate), so I am no flake.

I have never felt this way about anyone the way I have felt about her. I don't know why this is arising out of nowhere. I am not a desperate person, and I fall in love with difficulty.

So my question, QLCers, is what do I do now. We are separated by hundreds of miles. She is one year older than I am (not that I care).

Adding to the complication is that we are both Indian. I am 24, she 25. She being somewhat conservative, might get married off soon by arranged marriage.

We chatted on and off in college, and I know she told one of my friends that "I was the purest person she ever met". Something like that. Ladies, please interpret that comment for me.

So, how do I conquer distance to get this message across? Should I move on? I find that I can't. We are extremely similar, and she is the first Indian girl I have ever felt I clicked with.

Guys, I am experiencing a misery like I never have before. I don't want to use the l-word, but why am I burning like this? I need some serious love and advice, especially from my brown people who may have dealt with something like this before.

Spikerags

[Kitty]

Maybe you should start by telling her how you feel?

[dddork]

My advice to you being an Indian myself.

1. Don't chase an Indian girl EVER!!..

2. "You are the purest person I've ever met" what she really means is, " You are the only guy who didn't try to make a move on her. You are genuine, nice and a kind person but I am not sure if I am attracted to you "..

What you need to do is trigger off her attraction switches. You need to flirt with her.. Make her laugh.. Keep her guessing.. avoid being in "friends zone" at all costs..

AND STOP THINKING ABOUT HER 24/7.. YOU WILL SCARE HER AWAY..

[spikerags]

Looks like someone is a bit jaded. Why not chase brown girls ever? I agree with you they are generally a bit strange, but this one is not a head case. Also, I am not anywhere near her, I am hundreds of miles away. She didn't date anyone in college, so I don't think she would hold "pure" against me. She usually initiated conversations with me, and would often give me a coy smile.

also, to the first responder, I can't just call her and tell her. I need to somehow work up to it.

spike

[CTGirl]

First off, don't listen to dddork, he gives bad advice :razz:

Secondly, if you want to see where things are going to go with this girl, you've gotta build up more conversation with her - email her more, call her, just do more. If she's interested in you the way you are in her, she'll reciprocate, and you can see where things go from there.

The distance issue is a big one, so keep in mind that it may be a dealbreaker for her.

As for her comment, I have no clue what that's supposed to mean, lol.

[dddork]

I am not jaded.. First of all you need to realize that they get enough attention from everyone.. If she is fit, she hasn't had problem of guys hitting on her.. thatswhy I asked you not to chase her and be like everyone else.. You have her trust, work it to your advantage.. be a little different!

indian girls are wired in a different way.. You need to understand all the social pressure they are under.. They live 2 seperate lives.. One for their family and one for themselves.

[cache]

First off, don't listen to dddork, he gives bad advice :razz:

I wasn't going to say it, glad someone did. :huge:

[Chameleon]

Have you been in contact with her recently? People change over time so there's a chance she's not as you remember or she's already engaged or married. Can you visit her anytime in the near future? You have to figure out a way to get a reality check - not necessarily tell her you've been obsessing over her but at least get an idea of where she is relationshipwise by talking to her.

(and ignore dddork)

[weary]

I am not jaded.. First of all you need to realize that they get enough attention from everyone.. If she is fit, she hasn't had problem of guys hitting on her.. thatswhy I asked you not to chase her and be like everyone else.. You have her trust, work it to your advantage.. be a little different!

indian girls are wired in a different way.. You need to understand all the social pressure they are under.. They live 2 seperate lives.. One for their family and one for themselves.

this can be said for many people of many races.

my kid has no idea i have a whole life outside of being his mom.

my mom only recently learned many things about me and my life as i live it...

[dostoy]

I say call her up right now and tell her how you feel. Like ripping off a bandaid. Gotta do it. She lives far away so if she doesn't feel the same way you never have to see her again, which would be awkward. But being in love and not telling her will eat at your soul man! Don't make my mistake, now it's too late for me but not for you!

[wordsmith]

I don't mean to laugh, but apart from being Indian, this is ripped from the screenplay of St. Elmo's Fire. WATCH THAT MOVIE!!!

[spikerags]

This girl and I have a mutual friend who we both trust. What if I asked this friend if there were any feelings the girl had for me? Is this invasive?

Spike

[CTGirl]

This girl and I have a mutual friend who we both trust. What if I asked this friend if there were any feelings the girl had for me? Is this invasive?

Spike

I think that's a good idea, for starters at least. As jr-high as it may seem, sometimes you can get the clearest answers from a 3rd party.

[WorkInProgress]

This girl and I have a mutual friend who we both trust. What if I asked this friend if there were any feelings the girl had for me? Is this invasive?

Spike

I think it's very elementary/middle school. I suppose you could ask said friend if he/she thinks you'd have a chance with medstudentgirl, but even then, I kinda feel like it would be better just to talk to her.

[dddork]

everyone who is asking him to ask the girl, tell me one thing. What happens if she says no?

Why do we need to rush into this.. Why can't he play the field a little more?

[wordsmith]

If she says no, then he knows. That's what happened in St. Elmo's Fire.

[CTGirl]

I think it's very elementary/middle school. I suppose you could ask said friend if he/she thinks you'd have a chance with medstudentgirl, but even then, I kinda feel like it would be better just to talk to her.

I just know that sometimes people freak out a little when someone just flat-out asks if they're interested, cuz that's a bit confrontational, and can be scary, so sometimes its a good idea to ask a mutual friend for an opinion first, just to see if you should bother pursuing that person.

St. Elmo's Fire is an excellent movie btw :)

[cache]

If she says no, then he knows. That's what happened in St. Elmo's Fire.

LMAO! ...

[WorkInProgress]

Exactly...then he can work on moving on. It might take awhile, but it's better than pining after someone who doesn't want the same thing.

I say this as someone who's pined.

[WorkInProgress]

I just know that sometimes people freak out a little when someone just flat-out asks if they're interested, cuz that's a bit confrontational, and can be scary, so sometimes its a good idea to ask a mutual friend for an opinion first, just to see if you should bother pursuing that person.

St. Elmo's Fire is an excellent movie btw :)

Yes, it can be scary, but it's possible to be non-stalkerish about it.

[wordsmith]

Exactly...then he can work on moving on. It might take awhile, but it's better than pining after someone who doesn't want the same thing.

I say this as someone who's pined.

Oh, so very true.

[spikerags]

I have a lot invested in this emotionally. She is just like me. I think one of the posters has a quote here that you attract who you are not what you want. She is what I want and who I am. We are so similar, it would kill me if she was not interested. I don't even know where this is coming from. How can I gradually fall back in love with a person four years after I last saw them?

[CTGirl]

Yes, it can be scary, but it's possible to be non-stalkerish about it.

I'm not saying its stalkerish, and I'm saying it can be just as scary for the person you're asking, which is why you may not always get a really clear/honest answer this way. For instance, if I kinda like a guy, but I'm not really sure yet if I want to date him, and he flat-out asks me if I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him, I may say no, but if he were to ask one of my friends first, he may get the "she's not sure yet, so just wait it out a bit longer" type of response.

All I'm saying, is that with personal/sensitive stuff, sometimes its best to ask around a bit first, so you know how to go about talking to someone about something.

[wordsmith]

It won't actually kill you. Promise.

[dostoy]

Wait you haven't seen her in 4 years?

[shimma]

If she says no, then he knows. That's what happened in St. Elmo's Fire.

um, doesn't it turn out she's got a BF or fiance or something, and something happens with a snowstorm?

I haven't seen it in years, but i thought i remembered it being more dramatic than a straight up rejection...

[dddork]

why can't he wait to attract her more?!? Like engage in good conversation.. Make her think a little more..

I have had instances where girls haven't liked me.. but eventually they have started liking me..

[Chameleon]

It won't actually kill you. Promise.
I second that.

That fever from obsessing over someone is so addictive and it's kind of hard to seperate what is really "love" and what's in your imagination. It's been 4 years since you've seen her, how do you know if she's still the right one for you? People change alot in their mid-twenties. Imagine if you could replace the fever with something real? Reality could be a connection with the girl or it could be the freedom to go on living your life without a 24/7 distraction.

DO SOMETHING! Talk to her, have someone talk to her, sitting on your hands while being driving to distraction by this isn't going to bring you any closer to her.

[CTGirl]

why can't he wait to attract her more?!? Like engage in good conversation.. Make her think a little more..

I have had instances where girls haven't liked me.. but eventually they have started liking me..

Yeah, actually that was my initial suggestion - just engage in more contact with her and see where it goes.

Confrontation is not always the best policy, especially in situations like this.

[cache]

I'm not saying its stalkerish, and I'm saying it can be just as scary for the person you're asking, which is why you may not always get a really clear/honest answer this way. For instance, if I kinda like a guy, but I'm not really sure yet if I want to date him, and he flat-out asks me if I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him, I may say no, but if he were to ask one of my friends first, he may get the "she's not sure yet, so just wait it out a bit longer" type of response.

All I'm saying, is that with personal/sensitive stuff, sometimes its best to ask around a bit first, so you know how to go about talking to someone about something.

I've failed at this both ways...it is kind of a crap shoot.

[spikerags]

Here is some more info. I know from her friendster site (and some other sources) that she is single. She has never had a boyfriend. She is from a very conservative family, but she is not stern. She is a real sweetheart. I have seen recent pictures too.

As an aside, ladies, I am not a dog and neither is she. She is like 5' 4'' and cute. I am 5'10-5'11, athletic and lean. So, I don't think looks should be an issue. I am also fairly light skinned (that probably means something to the indians here, WE know the weird fixation Indians have with fair skin).

[Chameleon]

I have had instances where girls haven't liked me.. but eventually they have started liking me..
A friend used to say that he grows on girls like a fungus. Thankfully the infection eventually died and I was able to stave off re-occurences.

[wordsmith]

You can, amazingly enough, be two attractive people and still somehow not manage to get together, though.

[dddork]

Here is some more info. I know from her friendster site (and some other sources) that she is single. She has never had a boyfriend. She is from a very conservative family, but she is not stern. She is a real sweetheart. I have seen recent pictures too.

As an aside, ladies, I am not a dog and neither is she. She is like 5' 4'' and cute. I am 5'10-5'11, athletic and lean. So, I don't think looks should be an issue. I am also fairly light skinned (that probably means something to the indians here, WE know the weird fixation Indians have with fair skin).

haha. yup!!..


and there is nothing wrong in being a dog btw.. dogs have feelings too!