Double Life/Frustration Neverending

[ExestentialHaze]

Ok, I have been a member for awhile now. I haven't posted anything about my problems til now. I have so many issues I don't know how to get them organized. My life and myself are a complete wreck and I wish I had some nearby friends to do things with and share my problems with.

I guess I shall start at the beginning of the problem. When I was maybe 5, or 7 yrs old, I said my first curse word, my mom heard me say it and she asked me where I heard it from. To save from having my dad yelled at by her, I told her it was my best friend. Well...my mom aid to never talk to her again. I had the idea to run away from home several times after that, never went through with it. The farthest I ever got was in my PJ's sitting on our back porch steel steps.

Then...when I was 9 we moved. I had to leave all my friends and this was very difficult for me. After the move I gained weight and by the age 13 I was about 220 lbs. My parents didn't think I was overweight I guess. So I developed a major self esteem problem. I was picked on constantly and had a small group of say 3-5 people to talk to. Even then I only ever confided in two of them, and are still friends with them today. But I was called a lesbian, fatso, and everything bad ever imagined.

When High school came around I lost a little weight, not a whole lot yet, and was still picked on. I did fair in school, and we chastized for being a technical college prep girl. Just cause I took vo-tech and college prep. Anyway, High School was worse...I had several people threaten my life. One of which he and his brother and cousin killed their family not a week later!!

I wrote dark poetry and confined myself to the world around me. People stabbed me in the back mentally and emotionally, as for also punching the back of my seat on the bus. Ever since then my back hasn't been the same, I just don't tell that many people about it. Maybe 2 people know about that that are close to me. I was also a victim of several crimes while in HS. My parents house was vandilized by eggs, pepper, bbq sauce on my parents cars, a mcdonalds breakfast was left on my winshield of my first car, and our cable line was cut. I had one restraining order on a guy who threatened to kill me.

All of this resorted my dad getting ADT. Ever since then no one has vandilized the house as far as I had known. After I left the nest in 1999, my mom said that she was being followed by one of the guys who picked on me in school. I also ran into him, while driving to my parents, and he almost sideswiped my car making obscene gestures and mouthing words to me that he was going to "eff" me up.

After that incident, my parents house was vandilized one other time. Someone decided to throw a ketchup bottle on my parents lawn and it bounced into their front window.

That was the last thing that had ever happened to us vadilizm wise.

I moved 2.5 hours away from my parents. Ran into a few sleezbags, one of which stole money from me, and another verbally abused me, and I had a restraining order put on him. That guy was suicidal. (at this point in my life I thought I am just a magnet for sick men)

I moved away from there, and moved an hour closer to my parents. Lived on my own for 3 years and met someone so great. He treated me so well, and after 2 years of knowing each other he asked me to marry him. I had him meet my parents and my dad asked me "what's that ring on your finger" before my bf and I could announce our engagement.

After that meeting, my parents did a google search on him and found about his past. He was accused of a crime he didn't do, and was on probation for it. Well, before he moved in with me, he got all the correct permissions to come live with me, in my state. My parents then filed a complaint with the state that my bf was causing trouble. That was not the case, my parents just didn't want me with a "criminal". So, my parents turned my bf in and him and I spent almost a year apart in agony. My parent then suggested to me that I break up with him because there are so many other nicer men I could be meeting out there. Well, frankly he was the best man I had ever met and love! He treated me with utmost respect and kindness anyone has ever done. I had had enough with men in general until I met my bf. Then my parents grinded me this idea into my head to write him a letter and break it off, mainly by throwing the Bible in my face saying I should "Honor thy father & mother" by doing what they tell me to do. The thing is...they don't even go to church or follow the Bible themselves. They never forgave my bf for his past or even wanted to know about his side of the whole incident about his past. My parents only wanted to hear the story of the written case on the incident.

So after I broke up with him, a few months pass, and he calls me, when he gets out of jail. We start talking again and get back together. Well, ever since then, my bf and I have been keeping our relationshi secret from my parents and family...for almost 2 years.

Before my bf was put in jail by my parents, I tried depression medication for some of the things going on in my life. I had switched jobs a couple times in the past few years. I gave up a great job for a crappy one by mistake, but I learned from that! Went somewhere were I was offered a job a few years ago and worked part time there. Which I loved it by the way! I now have a new job that I started in July. It has it's ups and downs, but it's what I went to school for. It's kind of depressing cause I have no windows to look outside....blank walls staring at me all day while I work on the computer. I really miss the last job.

So, I had a friend of mine, one I kept in touch wih from school....I told her how I felt Friday, my birthday and how I had two little episodes at work and she said I may have bi-polar. I doubt that though! It doesn't happen a lot, but it happens sometimes; the breakdowns.

I thought on friday about a lot of things going on in my life that I hated to think about;

1. I set goals a long time ago, and recent ones and I noticed I haven't been able to stick to them and finish them

2. I am now 28 yrs old and feel as if I will never have kids because of my bf not confronting my parents about what happened.

3. I feel as if I will never be able to have a fullfilled purposeful life because my bf is lazy and says he has ADHD and won't help me around the house. We both are guilty of leaving cat poop on the floor because of the 3 cats we have. We mean and try to get rid of the problem one but no one wants a cat and I can't bear to put her to sleep. (plus it costs around $75-125 just to put a cat to sleep)

4. I want to start my own business but have no way to support it with the income I make.

5. My bf won't get a REAL job. He works from home, on computers and doesn't make enough to help with bills.

6. Bills, bills, bills...I finally was able to pay off my car, what a relief, but...I still owe about $5,000 in bills because my bf keeps borrowing money from me. (I stopped lending him money unless it's like 2-10 dollars for food. We buy each other enough food to feed 2 families.)

7. I have gained weight and 7 sizes since I met my bf. My bf is a big guy, and tends to eat 7 times more than I do. Whatever leftovers he has, he more than likely gives them to me. ( I am gradually trying to not take the extra food anymore, but it's hard because he usually throws it away or wastes it by leaving it in the fridge)

8. My bf says he is going to quit smoking, going to help around the house, going to do this that and the other. He takes like 3 showers a week if I'm lucky. He gets sick as a dog at least 2 times a month and like I said, doesn't have a job, thinks he can't get one in what he likes to do because of his past. Thinks that he's not good enough when he is better than anyone I know in his field. I supprt him in what he wants to do, but he always changes his mind, and doesn't ever stick to anything, no plans, everything is spur of the moment. That is good at certain times...but most of the time it's inconveniant.

9. I have a slight problem anywhere I work. I tend to view things differently than everyone else. It's quite annoying too. I have a hard time relating to anyone or anything because of all I have been through.

So, that is my story so far....if there is anyone out there with a similar problem, please I need help. I have tried two shrinks...very short term and they didn't help. I have read self help books like crazy too. Trying to get my bf to read some is hard too.

Help!!

ExestentialHaze

[wordsmith]

There's a lot to respond to, more than I can as a whole right at this minute, but I have to say that the first thing that jumps out at me is that you seem to be really not happy with your boyfriend and your relationship (and I can't say I blame you, based on this post). Why is it that you are still with him?

[WorkInProgress]

Well, that's an awful lot, isn't it?

Understand that I am not you, and I more than likely don't understand your whole situation.

However...

I'm surprised you were that old when you said your first curse word. I was signficantly younger and said something I learned from my mother (who learned to watch her mouth around her small children thereafter).

What do your parents have to do with you having or not having kids? I don't see the connection.

The bf does not seem all that great, from your description. Perhaps he was, but you don't seem to be happy with the state of your relationship with him, and he doesn't really seem all that supportive (I'm NOT talking money, here) of you.

Your ability to have a fulfilled, purposeful life is not impaired by anyone but you. You can let others hold you back, but the point is that you are allowing it.

And, as hard as it is, you have got to learn to let go of crap from the past. It might be helpful to find a therapist and stick with it for a little while.

[cache]

It sounds like a hard time for you, and I'm sorry to hear that. But, a man who does not support himself or contribute to a relationship or a household is not worth keeping around.

Secondly, the law is the law. If he did something that violated his probation, he is the sole person to blame, not your parents. I am not saying what they did was right, but it was his responsibliity to stay out of situations where he could end up in jail.

Thirdly, it sounds like your parents are not accepting of creating a good life for yourself. Explain this to them, in a forceful way, and if it were me, I would tell them to support me, or don't be part of my life anymore.

Good luck

[dostoy]

It sounds like he is crying out for help from you, you say he feels like he is not a good person, tell him he is, try to help him gain self confidence and that will end up making him feel ok to go and try to find a job. Hey forget your parents, if you found someone you love try to hold on to it.

[Chameleon]

It sounds like he is crying out for help from you, you say he feels like he is not a good person, tell him he is, try to help him gain self confidence and that will end up making him feel ok to go and try to find a job. Hey forget your parents, if you found someone you love try to hold on to it.
??? Are you serious? I don't hear a cry for help, I see someone who's found a sugarmama that would put up with his crap. How is he helping HER self confidence? Why is it up to her to bolster his?

Haze, I'm sorry you had to deal with such a traumatic childhood, it's hard to imagine being the target of that much animosity. However, you have to figure out what you want and stop blaming your boyfriend and parents for your circumstances. You have a say in this; what is it that you want?

I've been battling this in therapy - figuring out what I want and working towards it. I've found that making lists and breaking down what I need to do to get to my goal into small steps help to make things not seam so overwhelming. You also have to be really patient. They say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit, think of all the years of programming it takes to get that way to begin with.


Do you want to lose weight? Tell him that "forcing you" to eat his leftovers isn't helping. Store leftovers in a freezer, throw it away, ask him to not be so wasteful with food. Ask him to join you in an exercise program.
Do you want to be better off financially, ask your boyfriend to start pulling his weight around the house and repay you for all the money he owes.
You want to start a family? Find someone who can support you in the endeavor, physically, financial, emotionally - does your boyfriend fit the bill? How does confronting your parents change this? If you can't take care of cats together, how do you guys plan to take care of a child?
Your boyfriend's behavior is getting to you? Talk to him. You might want to consider what you need to do to make this an equitable relationship. You aren't his mother and he's a grown man. He should be able to stand on his own two feet. It might be time to ask him to.


Hang in there, Haze. Things may be really overwhelming but you have to take it one step at a time.

[wordsmith]

I'm fairly confident that dostoy is not serious, except in being serious about riling people up.

[shimma]

You need to be honest with your parents that you are with your BF. If it's the case that they're falsely accusing him, then demand they prove it and countersue when they can't.

[WorkInProgress]

I agree with Chameleon's post.

[ExestentialHaze]

weird thing is...I wish I could do what Ahston Cutcher could do in Butterfly Effect....go back to a certain point and erase all the bad memories. What did I do to deserve all that went wrong or bad in my life? I have no clue and wish someone would shed more light on that for me. I really am lost.... :(

[dostoy]

Well I'm just trying to give the guy a break, maybe he is thinking she's a sugermama, I don't know. But maybe if she just breaks up with him she'll be worse off? I mean it was confusing, first she describes how in love with him she is, then she describes how he is lazy, hurtful, and of course doesn't have a job which all girls hate. But I'm just saying maybe he's not a lost cause is all.

[shimma]

What did I do to deserve all that went wrong or bad in my life? :(

It's not for you to know, honestly, but at some point you have to accept that you can't change the past, but can make a committment to move forward, be the best you can be, and live the best life you can live.

[WorkInProgress]

at some point you have to accept that you can't change the past, but can make a committment to move forward, be the best you can be, and live the best life you can live.

Yep, this. You need to stop seeing yourself as a victim, IMO.

[wordsmith]

Really, because if you see yourself as a hapless victim or lost cause, it becomes really easy to not try and change anything.

[Chameleon]

weird thing is...I wish I could do what Ahston Cutcher could do in Butterfly Effect....go back to a certain point and erase all the bad memories. What did I do to deserve all that went wrong or bad in my life? I have no clue and wish someone would shed more light on that for me. I really am lost.... :(
Lots of people feel that way, there would be no need for therapists if we could all just let go of the things that have happened in the past. Does a child ever deserve to be mistreated, beaten or abused? No! Those things weren't in your control, it wasn't completely in your parents control, you can't blame yourself or your parents for the shit that went down.

You are in control of your life now. Figure out what it is that you want and make a conscious effort to work towards it. There's nothing to be gained from dwelling in the past. Do you still live in fear of vandals and verbally abusive people? If that is no longer a part of your life, there is nothing to be gained in dwelling in it other than figuring out ways to notice those situations before they escalate and protect yourself. You might want to consider reading "The Gift of Fear".

[ExestentialHaze]

I have read the Gift of Fear! Actually I am on my second reading of it. Very informative book and helpful with stressful victimization scenarios. Like I mentioned in my first post, I have also read a lot, and I mean a lot of self help books. Also in that huge pile, I have read "Can't get Over It" it's about people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I guess that is my main diagnosis.

Part of that is Panic Disorder. There's a few good books I have read for this also.

Most of my life consists of Stress....if I can't control it I have really bad days; I cry for no reason, get angry quick, and lose my patience. And frankly I think I have a hell of a lot more patience than a lot of people out there. If I can stand my bf for 4 years....of him not getting a real job....I don't know...I've about had it with my patience on that! I wrote him a note this morning about it, and what HE should do. I told him I have faith in him, "but do you have faith in you?" I haven't heard back from him yet. Of course though he has no minutes on his pre-paid phone, so I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't call me about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to come home and he's not there, or there and still not done anything around the house to help me. Either way I feel dissapointed.

Haze

[old_school_soul]

Well lets see. If you were 220lbs at age 13 and now you are 7 sizes larger than you were before you met your boyfriend, I think the biggest thing you need to worry about is stop eating so much and excercise more. Your health is at risk. Obesity can be the root cause of a lot of things. Focus on the problems you need to fix. Assign priorities to them. Tackle them one or two at a time. Try to do everything at once and you'll be overwhelmed.

[ExestentialHaze]

Oh dummy me....I forgot to mention I lost 75lbs after not drinking any soda in my diet. Now I am 20 lbs from 200 again, and I'm trying really hard to eat better. It's hard when you're the only one who cooks in the house, and have a bf that doesn't wanna lift a finger, and help. He just wants to get take out or mcdonalds all the time when I don't want to cook...even times when I want to cook he still wants to eat more and more....he's got a gut the size of a beer barrel.

**sigh** My bf and I have had that excersize talk before....way too much.

Is it a guy thing that they are lazy all the time when we want to do anything with them?

It sucks!

Haze

[embrassezla]

You aren't responsible for your boyfriend's meals, laundry, cleanliness. You know that, right? Cook what YOU want to eat, and if he doesn't want it, let him figure out his own dinner. Do the activities that YOU want to do (exercise, etc), and if he doesn't want to participate, fine. I think you'll find you'll have an easier time just focusing on making changes in your own life, without trying to change the life of you & your boyfriend as a unit. Let him be motivated by your efforts.

[ExestentialHaze]

That's the hard part though...I've been doing that!!! For a year now! He doesn't get the picture. I have tried to break up with him, and told him to get out several times. I was in the apt way before he was, and he still proceeds to tell me it's as much his as it is mine. So we end up staying together. I still pick up after him on some things. I wrote him a note this morning about taking out the garbage, there were 5 bags laying around the house he hadn't taken out yet.

Also wrote him to get his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and bedroom. I have no room for anything in the apt anymore. I've become a clutter bug and hate myself for it. I am too sentimental about things that I have received from people and have found for myself.

Everything is so frustrating

~Haze

[dostoy]

That's the hard part though...I've been doing that!!! For a year now! He doesn't get the picture. I have tried to break up with him, and told him to get out several times. I was in the apt way before he was, and he still proceeds to tell me it's as much his as it is mine. So we end up staying together. I still pick up after him on some things. I wrote him a note this morning about taking out the garbage, there were 5 bags laying around the house he hadn't taken out yet.

Also wrote him to get his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and bedroom. I have no room for anything in the apt anymore. I've become a clutter bug and hate myself for it. I am too sentimental about things that I have received from people and have found for myself.

Everything is so frustrating

~Haze
This sounds like a serious problem, do you have any guy friends or relatives that can help you by picking the guy up literally and throwing him out the door? May be the only option. I mean if you have told him to get out and he just won't.

[ExestentialHaze]

Well, lets see...I love him, and I can live without him....what does that mean? I'm not in love with him anymore?

I don't want to get my family involved cause they don't know that he is back with me. I don't have many friends...and the friends I do have are with him as a couple.

~Haze

[cache]

You are asking how you solve your problems without actually solving them. Is it possible for your BF to eat healthy while eating nothing but fast food? Of course not. Just as it is not possible for you to have a happy life with an unhealthy relationship.

[ExestentialHaze]

You are asking how you solve your problems without actually solving them. Is it possible for your BF to eat healthy while eating nothing but fast food? Of course not. Just as it is not possible for you to have a happy life with an unhealthy relationship.

Ahh that is where he stands up for the fast food business and tells me that any meal you get from a fast food place is a well balanced meal. They have the meat, the lettuce and tomato, and fries, and bread. That is is logic to fast food. Oh yea and he is 11 years older than me and insists that he has more experience than me and that I know diddly crap.

There are lots of times he gives me credit, but he's always got something to say about everything and anything. He's gotta teach something new all the time to me, when he's already taught me or told me how to do something his way. He gets so frustrated when I do things my way. Come to find my way was the quicker and easier way, he copies me, then claims to have thought about the process first.

~Haze

[shimma]

Well, lets see...I love him, and I can live without him....what does that mean? I'm not in love with him anymore?


That maybe you need a break?, because he's pushed you over the edge. and is dragging yoy down. You don't sound happy with him, and it's a serious red flag that you don't even want to tell your family.

[shimma]

Ahh that is where he stands up for the fast food business and tells me that any meal you get from a fast food place is a well balanced meal. They have the, meat, treated with BGH the lettuce and tomato, the only fruits and vegetables in the world and fries, and bread. double starch, a fried food and the ever popular nutritionally blank white bread. Where does one get their Omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, folic acid, antioxidants, and vitamin C?

Oh yea and he is 11 years older than me and insists that he has more experience than me and that I know diddly crap.
For staying with a guy who condescends you? Says more that you need some self-esteem than you know diddly crap. My fiance's almost 6 yrs older than I and never uses that against me. (Unless it's like, remember the Iran Contra? No, I was in diapers.)

[wordsmith]

I'm sorry, but if you read back over everything you've written about him, and look at it as if you are reading about somebody ELSE'S boyfriend, and what you'd think, that being the case, you have to admit that he doesn't sound even so much as a little bit appealing, let alone somebody to be hung up over.

You might need to ultimately shed some weight...but the first weight you need to be shedding is however many pounds of waste-of-space boyfriend that's dragging you down.

Please reread what you are writing about your relationship, and see if you can pick out even one line where it sounds normal, happy, or healthy.

[cache]

It seems like you have a lot of issues. You will not solve any of them until you get rid of that thing festering on your couch. Plain and simple. I promise you, from what you mentioned, at this point, there is no other option. Should you not, expect a lifetime of the same...

[CTGirl]

It seems like you have a lot of issues. You will not solve any of them until you get rid of that thing festering on your couch. Plain and simple. I promise you, from what you mentioned, at this point, there is no other option. Should you not, expect a lifetime of the same...

Agreed. You may be hung up on him because he was the first person to really treat you the way you wanted to be treated, but clearly that is no longer the case (if it ever really was). He's going to do nothing but bring you down. Go start a new life for yourself far away from him and your parents.

C'mon, if he's 11 years older than you, making him 39, and truly believes that a McDonald's value meal is a valid, well-balanced meal, then he is most certainly not worth your time and effort!

[ExestentialHaze]

~Update~

Ever since posting the other day on here I am thinking things through even harder than before. I have been pushing my bf away from me. He keeps wanting to sucker me up for another blow I betcha, and he's not gonna do it anymore. When we have a fight he starts calling me cutsie names and says I'm sorry and all that bull. I have ignored him a few times last night and this morning.

I have decided to try and just go on with my life, and maybe he will just get the hint and leave. I'm not putting up with him anymore. I think he expected me to goin and say goodbye to him and kiss him like always, but I decided to just head out without doing so today. I am just tired of his crap, and hate feeling like a kid all the time around him and my parents.

So hopefully I am making a dent in his head. He needs to realize how important our life is together, get his act together. If he doesn't I have every reason to have him removed, like someone commented in an earlier post. He needs to grow up. I'm younger than him and more responsible. Go figure!

~Haze

[embrassezla]

I have decided to try and just go on with my life, and maybe he will just get the hint and leave.
I don't think this has ever worked in modern civilization.

[cache]

Nice job taking action, but be careful with the passive-aggressive stuff. It sounds more like you are afraid of confrontation than anything else. People will take advantage of you and "do you wrong" until you learn to confront them.

[dostoy]

Yes, he will not take a hint I guarantee, he has a good deal right now, woman to take care of him. You said you have told him to leave, that is good but he refused? You should talk to someone else to help you get rid of him, preferabbly a man large and stronger than this guy if you catch my drift. Or just have the guy be like look mate, get a job and treat "embrezzla" right, or else. Like go get Tony Soprano to help you out. I'd do it if I was near you, I don't like to brag but I know some tae kwan do.

[shimma]

~Update~

Ever since posting the other day on here I am thinking things through even harder than before. I have been pushing my bf away from me. He keeps wanting to sucker me up for another blow I betcha, and he's not gonna do it anymore. When we have a fight he starts calling me cutsie names and says I'm sorry and all that bull. I have ignored him a few times last night and this morning.

I have decided to try and just go on with my life, and maybe he will just get the hint and leave. I'm not putting up with him anymore. I think he expected me to goin and say goodbye to him and kiss him like always, but I decided to just head out without doing so today. I am just tired of his crap, and hate feeling like a kid all the time around him and my parents.

So hopefully I am making a dent in his head. He needs to realize how important our life is together, get his act together. If he doesn't I have every reason to have him removed, like someone commented in an earlier post. He needs to grow up. I'm younger than him and more responsible. Go figure!

~Haze

I'd be more direct if I were you.

[ScottyTheBody]

Yes, he will not take a hint I guarantee, he has a good deal right now, woman to take care of him. You said you have told him to leave, that is good but he refused? You should talk to someone else to help you get rid of him, preferabbly a man large and stronger than this guy if you catch my drift. Or just have the guy be like look mate, get a job and treat "embrezzla" right, or else. Like go get Tony Soprano to help you out. I'd do it if I was near you, I don't like to brag but I know some tae kwan do.

Now wait a minute...

Okay I'm all for this girl leaving him, because from the sounds of her posts, she wants to. However, it also sounds like the apartment is both of theirs, not just hers. He has just as much right to be there as she does (if I'm interpreting this right), so you can't kick him out, just like he can't kick her out. What you should do is talk to him. End it if you want and then sell the apartment together or come to some sort of agreement as to who should get the apartment and then go on with your life.

Kicking him out of his apartment is not the way to get things done.

EDIT: As I read futher into the thread...maybe he doesn't have as much right to be there but I still think you should talk to him, end it if you want and then move him out or you move out, whatever.

[ScottyTheBody]

~Update~

Ever since posting the other day on here I am thinking things through even harder than before. I have been pushing my bf away from me. He keeps wanting to sucker me up for another blow I betcha, and he's not gonna do it anymore. When we have a fight he starts calling me cutsie names and says I'm sorry and all that bull. I have ignored him a few times last night and this morning.

I have decided to try and just go on with my life, and maybe he will just get the hint and leave. I'm not putting up with him anymore. I think he expected me to goin and say goodbye to him and kiss him like always, but I decided to just head out without doing so today. I am just tired of his crap, and hate feeling like a kid all the time around him and my parents.

So hopefully I am making a dent in his head. He needs to realize how important our life is together, get his act together. If he doesn't I have every reason to have him removed, like someone commented in an earlier post. He needs to grow up. I'm younger than him and more responsible. Go figure!

~Haze

Don't play games. Be direct.

[dostoy]

Now wait a minute...

Okay I'm all for this girl leaving him, because from the sounds of her posts, she wants to. However, it also sounds like the apartment is both of theirs, not just hers. He has just as much right to be there as she does (if I'm interpreting this right), so you can't kick him out, just like he can't kick her out. What you should do is talk to him. End it if you want and then sell the apartment together or come to some sort of agreement as to who should get the apartment and then go on with your life.

Kicking him out of his apartment is not the way to get things done.

EDIT: As I read futher into the thread...maybe he doesn't have as much right to be there but I still think you should talk to him, end it if you want and then move him out or you move out, whatever.Well she said he has no job and isn't trying to find one, so he can't be paying rent, in that case he loses his right to live there if she doesn't want to pay for him.

[WorkInProgress]

Well she said he has no job and isn't trying to find one, so he can't be paying rent, in that case he loses his right to live there if she doesn't want to pay for him.

That was my line of thinking as well. However, if couchspud is paying for half, then I'd agree the OP can't very well just kick him out.

[ScottyTheBody]

That was my line of thinking as well. However, if couchspud is paying for half, then I'd agree the OP can't very well just kick him out.

That's what I was thinking too. Of course if he isn't paying, she shouldn't feel responsible for paying for him, however if he's paying, no matter how much of a couchspud he his, she can't just kick him out.

[ExestentialHaze]

Rent is the only thing he's been paying at all. Next time I go to my landlord I am going to ask him to sign a lease with me, and only me because it was my apt originally and I was there much longer than he was. He's only been technically living with me for 2.5 years. I however have been living there for 6 years. My name was on the lease before he moved in, and his name was never on any lease anyway, only by mouth of word.

And as far as playing games and not confronting him...I have done it way too many times to count confronted him and tried to resolve things with him. He won't get off his lazy ass to find a job, he says he is trying to get his license back from his state but has to wait 6-8 months. He barely helps me clean the house, and if he does he does the easy stuff. Wears the same underwear days in a row, barely showers, smokes, and to boot drinks at least three 2 liter coke bottles a day, leaves them laying around for me to pick them up.

I have already yelled, and talked nicely to him to do something about it. I have tried every approach possible, and now I just can't stand the man any more. That is why I am just going to ignore him and not take any more of his crap cause he won't listen at all to me and won't take care of himself.

~Haze

[WorkInProgress]

Well, there you go. He's not on the lease.

[ScottyTheBody]

Rent is the only thing he's been paying at all. Next time I go to my landlord I am going to ask him to sign a lease with me, and only me because it was my apt originally and I was there much longer than he was. He's only been technically living with me for 2.5 years. I however have been living there for 6 years. My name was on the lease before he moved in, and his name was never on any lease anyway, only by mouth of word.

And as far as playing games and not confronting him...I have done it way too many times to count confronted him and tried to resolve things with him. He won't get off his lazy ass to find a job, he says he is trying to get his license back from his state but has to wait 6-8 months. He barely helps me clean the house, and if he does he does the easy stuff. Wears the same underwear days in a row, barely showers, smokes, and to boot drinks at least three 2 liter coke bottles a day, leaves them laying around for me to pick them up.

I have already yelled, and talked nicely to him to do something about it. I have tried every approach possible, and now I just can't stand the man any more. That is why I am just going to ignore him and not take any more of his crap cause he won't listen at all to me and won't take care of himself.

~Haze


No matter how many times you've told him...you HAVE to tell him that it is OVER. Even if he doesn't deserve to be given a heads up, you HAVE to confront him, tell him its over, tell him your getting his name off the lease.

You HAVE to tell him and confront him. If he ignores it, whatever, you told him and there was nothing else you could have done.

[WorkInProgress]

No matter how many times you've told him...you HAVE to tell him that it is OVER. Even if he doesn't deserve to be given a heads up, you HAVE to confront him, tell him its over, tell him your getting his name off the lease.

You HAVE to tell him and confront him. If he ignores it, whatever, you told him and there was nothing else you could have done.

I agree. I'd probably say, hey, you have x amount of time to move out. And at the end of that time, get the locks changed.

[ExestentialHaze]

There is another frustrating part to that though too....my bf does pay for the internet....and he used to have a phone bill, which he's been going through phone numbers left and right. I asked him why he has to go through so many phone numbers all the time. I also asked him if he was running from someone. Cause a lot of people do that when they are in some other kinda of trouble, financially speaking. He seems to owe about 5 other people than myself money. He says it's not much, but why would he frighten me one night when someone came by the house, rang the doorbell, and said "Shhh be quiet it's so and so" and I'm like who? And he explains to me that he owes this guy money. Well, he waited around 9pm to call the guy back and told him a lie that we were out and just got home. He does this a lot too.

We were hanging out a lot with a friend of ours for weeks on end, and all of a sudden we get into this online game called World of Warcraft. We are both addicted and this is so not helping him get motivated to looking for a job. He wants to build up characters and sell them on craigslist.org. Which....it seems awefully wrong of him to leave me work all day somewhere else while he gets to play "work" at home and sleep when he wants and everything else I would like to do I can't!

Anyway...I have so much built up frustration I can't stand it.

This is what happens when I have no vactions in 3 years, on top of all this crap!

~Haze

[ExestentialHaze]

I agree. I'd probably say, hey, you have x amount of time to move out. And at the end of that time, get the locks changed.

I have done this also about a dozen times!
Except change the locks
~Haze

[WorkInProgress]

I have done this also about a dozen times!
Except change the locks
~Haze

How'd he get back in?

[ExestentialHaze]

How'd he get back in?

We'd always make up and he'd never leave, period!

[WorkInProgress]

That tactic only works if you actually do it.

[dostoy]

This guy is more of a winner than I thought. Running from loan sharks, plus plays WoW. I was wrong about him before give him a second chance!

P.S. Not to go off track but I admit that reading about this guy makes me feel better than myself, and also in my own life when I'm around people who are poorer, through their own fault, it makes me feel good and good for my self confidence, is that wrong should I feel guilty? :redface:

[wordsmith]

There is another frustrating part to that though too....my bf does pay for the internet....and he used to have a phone bill, which he's been going through phone numbers left and right. I asked him why he has to go through so many phone numbers all the time. I also asked him if he was running from someone. Cause a lot of people do that when they are in some other kinda of trouble, financially speaking. He seems to owe about 5 other people than myself money. He says it's not much, but why would he frighten me one night when someone came by the house, rang the doorbell, and said "Shhh be quiet it's so and so" and I'm like who? And he explains to me that he owes this guy money. Well, he waited around 9pm to call the guy back and told him a lie that we were out and just got home. He does this a lot too.

We were hanging out a lot with a friend of ours for weeks on end, and all of a sudden we get into this online game called World of Warcraft. We are both addicted and this is so not helping him get motivated to looking for a job. He wants to build up characters and sell them on craigslist.org. Which....it seems awefully wrong of him to leave me work all day somewhere else while he gets to play "work" at home and sleep when he wants and everything else I would like to do I can't!

Anyway...I have so much built up frustration I can't stand it.

This is what happens when I have no vactions in 3 years, on top of all this crap!

~Haze

Please tell me you're not keeping a disrespectful loser deadbeat slob around because he pays for internet so you can play WoW.

[ExestentialHaze]

Well, I was thinking the same thing this morning actually. I had paid off my car two weeks ago, recieved my car title on my Birthday! I was so happy and so relieved about it. I was thinking this morning.....my bf will never help me pay off what he said he was going to pay off from the money I had lent him.

I think he's just trying to find any easy way to get out of working for real for anyone to sit around the house all day long like a lump in front of the computer.

Now I do WoW too, however I have a job, do my laundry, wash dishes, play with my cats, take showers every day and try and take care of myself.

When it comes to feeling better about yourself in this situation, sure you can feel better about yourself when looking at him. Hopefully not at me!

~Haze

[dostoy]

You're right I just mean I feel better for myself compared to him, you seem like a good person, however stop playing WoW, that's just lame.

[ExestentialHaze]

No no no!!! I have only been playing it 3 weeks now...he's been playing a month. He got the starter kit for me for my bday. If he does leave, internet will be easy to pay for me....I should be up for a raise soon....hopefully **cross your fingers for me**

He's not the reason for keeping anything in my life.

~Haze

[embrassezla]

Please tell me you're not keeping a disrespectful loser deadbeat slob around because he pays for internet so you can play WoW.
Yeah. You're getting totally pwned.

[ExestentialHaze]

Yeah. You're getting totally pwned.

pwned?

What do you mean?

[ExestentialHaze]

I will ignore his actions, and I'll try and talk to him again tonight. But if I get the same response as every other time.....I am done!!

I can't leave, I have way too much stuff in my apt that means a lot to me. He is going to have to leave!

~Haze

[shimma]

pwned?

What do you mean?

O's next to P on the keyboard, I think she meant "owned".

You're getting owned. Taken in.

Get rid of this loser. Have you ever thought the loan sharks running after someone you live with could be threatening your physical safety?

They're called loan sharks for a reason.

[embrassezla]

Come on, people. PWNED (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pwned&r=f).

[wordsmith]

Hah, being a messageboard junkie does NOT equal being a 'net geek. I never know or use most online-speak.

Dude, I even use capitalization, full sentences, and punctuation in my IMs.

[embrassezla]

*sigh* it's not about being a message board junkie, it's about WoW!

[wordsmith]

Right, I read the link. And I still say, I'm not an internet geek, despite being a messageboard junkie, so I don't get WoW references.

[embrassezla]

It was aimed at Haze, anyway. I was just echoing your sentiment.

[ExestentialHaze]

Wordsmith, I try not to abbreviate as much online either. It's a bad habbit people picked up from the online boom.

A lot of people I know don't get internet abbreviations, so you're not alone.

So, how should I start the conversation with him about it? I have tried calm, I have tried sarcasrtic, I have tried angry, and sad.....I'm running out of emotes for this crap.

LOL

Oh I just had to use those two abbreviations!

~Haze

[dostoy]

I knew about pwned, didn't know it came from WoW though. I coined the term douchebag for stupid guys though.

[wordsmith]

I coined the term douchebag for stupid guys though.

Did you also invent the internet?

[dostoy]

Did you also invent the internet?
No but I invented a nice cup of shut the fuck up.

[wordsmith]

So, how should I start the conversation with him about it? I have tried calm, I have tried sarcasrtic, I have tried angry, and sad.....I'm running out of emotes for this crap.

~Haze

Calm and firm would probably be good, if you can swing it.

[WorkInProgress]

Wordsmith, I try not to abbreviate as much online either. It's a bad habbit people picked up from the online boom.

A lot of people I know don't get internet abbreviations, so you're not alone.

So, how should I start the conversation with him about it? I have tried calm, I have tried sarcasrtic, I have tried angry, and sad.....I'm running out of emotes for this crap.

LOL

Oh I just had to use those two abbreviations!

~Haze

Maybe try something along the lines of, "...hey, I've been thinking about it, and I want to break up. So, since this is my apartment, I'd like you to leave in x days, at which time I will have the locks changed.

Why do I want to break up, you ask? Here's my list of reasons..."

I think part of the problem is that you've "broken up" with him before but not followed through, so he may see this as that.

[embrassezla]

SHE DID IT!!!! Words, I forgive you for ruining my clever quip.

[wordsmith]

It's not like there weren't a million opportunities for him to drop the trollishness.

[weary]

ding dong the troll is dead! the wicked troll!...

:p

[ExestentialHaze]

Oh brother! Can you please not curse to others in my post thread? Thanks!

~Haze

[wordsmith]

It's okay, he's gone. He's been trolling for days.

[Chameleon]

I second (or is that third or fourth?) the suggestion to kick him out and get your locks changed. If you are afraid to talk to him directly (leaving notes for someone who you've lived with for 2+ years instead of speaking directly to him makes it seem like you are afraid of him), you might want to start collecting your belongings and consider living somewhere else. Having too much stuff is not a good enough reason to not leave this man.

Your boyfriend sounds controlling and disrespectful. You are living with an ex-con who's lacking in personal hygiene, thinks fast food is nutritious, isn't supportive of you, likes things done "his way" even though he doesn't contribute anything but rent, sees playing video games as a viable source of income for someone pushing 40, is on the run from loan sharks and who knows what else...

Have you considered that having him in your apartment will place you in harm's way when one of the people he owes gets more aggressive about getting their money back? What is he using this money for?

[ExestentialHaze]

Building computers is what he is best at. But he won't go out and find a tech job because of his past. He says that if he waits 4 more years he would be able to get one because of his record. Then he uses the money that he makes to make more computers, and it's an ongoing thing where no money is being saved for more important things in life.

He keeps telling me he wants to try a new profession....he's always telling me how many jobs he's had...but never seems to keep one.

He is unsure of himself and it's seriously turning me off even more so than before.

Plus...I can't afford to move somewhere else. I found the place not him, and I deserve to stay there if I want to.

I don't know for sure if loan sharks are out for him or not. He says he has never lied to me, but I have caught him in a load of crap lots of times. That also is pissing me off to no end!! It's always little things, but he seems to think that lying is a part of life. I don't! I have tried to get more perspectives from people around me and they either A: Say to me he's a nice guy you have faith in him right? B: Dump him or C: Find him a job.....C really pisses me off too! Who has the nerve to tell me that!! It's not my responsibility that HE doesn't have the gumption to get off his arse and get a job!

~Haze

[Chameleon]

Why haven't you stuck with option B?

[shimma]

Building computers is what he is best at. But he won't go out and find a tech job because of his past. He says that if he waits 4 more years he would be able to get one because of his record. Then he uses the money that he makes to make more computers, and it's an ongoing thing where no money is being saved for more important things in life.~Haze

Now I hope you're not stupid enough to buy that. most states have programs that help excons find work, and in 4 yrs he's going to have a longass unemployment record that employers will not look well upon. people have difficulty finding jobs when they leave the workforce for a few years to take care of family, can you imagine "well, I was in prison, then I sat on my ass and played video games".

[ExestentialHaze]

Well in his case he'll say he was building computers at home to sell. That is still not a valid way of showing your experience I totally agree with that.

Ok last night was a nightmare!! I went home, gave him the cold shoulder. I told him how I felt calm and firm and I proceeded to call Blizzard to change some info on the account my bf gave me. When my bf put in my info on my account he put his email address. Well all I wanted to do was change the email contact. I wanted to be able to get emails from blizzard whenever they send updates. So I am on the phone on hold with Blizzard and my bf gets really touchy and starts griping at me that I have no right to do it it's his account. I said to him, "You have given this game to me and put my name on the account and want to indian give it? That is not right, why do you have to be in control of it.?" He starts yelling at me that he made my account so that once he sold his lvl 60 characters he could transfer his account info to mine. Well, why buy me an accouunt in the first place and give it to me if you're going to do this? He then proceeds to say he'll call blizzard himself and tell them I am frauding him. Then he hurts me by grabbing my hand which has the product registration key on it, and cuts it in half and shoves it in his pocket. I hit him back for hurting me, then he proceeds to say he can call 911 and have me arrested. He unplugs the computer I use for the game and says I am selling these anyway (after a month ago he said he wasn't going to sell it cause of this new business he and a friend of his started, so that he could run the website for it on this computer). He then corners me because I try to just leave the apt. I can't leave just yet cause he's cornered me twice! Then I said get out of my way really loud, and went outside to my next door neighbors, she wasn't home, so I went to another neighbor's. I sat with her for awhile and talked to her about everything and how unhappy I am. My bf then calls the neighbor I am with while we are talking about all this. I think after 45 minutes went by I asked my neighbor to come with me back down to my apt.

We get down there, and I am so nervous. He is watching through the peep hole for me and opens the door when I try to unlock it. Everything is back where it was, the computer and he even taped the registration key back otgether that he had cut in half. My neighbor stayed for a few minutes to make sure everything was ok. I am still kinda upset this morning about it even after he said he was sorry and that he didn't know he hurt me (but I told him he did when he did it) and we had sat down together in front of the tv last night for dinner while watching my favorite shows. He fell asleep and I went back to the computer to play the game. I couldn't sleep, and so I took my frustrations out on in the game. I couldn't get tired until about 2:30am.

I woke up this morning and the oaf comes in and tells me I gotta get up for work. Not being mean or anything just groggy tired and all. Then he tries to come into bed with me to warm up...we had the heat off because of how high the electric was. I declined his offer to come lay down with me. So he stood next to the bed with his hands in his pockets. Then left minutes after that. He's all acting like nothing bad happened at all.

Telling me he loves me and all that crap he usually does when we have a big fight. After I got around for the the morning I asked him while putting on my shoes if he was going out to look for a job today, and he replied "Monday, I have nothing nice to wear to go look for a job". Which is true, but he could still put on black jeans and a nice shirt that I bought him for xmas and still go out.

Anyway, I left the apt to go to work and he says "I love you" and I didn't reply back with an I love you, just an ok.

I talked to a friend today that I talk to about my bf. Maybe he can shed some light on what I can do. He may help me get away from the bf. I don't know, all I know is my friend sometimes councils couples at his church.

I hope he can help me with my problem. I can't handle this anymore.

~Haze

[wordsmith]

Get the hell out. Seriously.

[Chameleon]

I think this in the point in the program where we ask you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org) and seek help. I'm sure the attention you are getting from all this drama is nice but if you are only doing this for entertainment value and with no intention of getting help, you need more help that we can offer here.

[ExestentialHaze]

I'm not doing this to get attention. I have tried one other site for help and no one posts to my threads, that is why I have been venting here. Everyone listens to me.

Thanks for the link. I may have to go to resorting to them next or the police to just have him removed. I'd like to just be able to have my friend help me tonight if he could. I haven't seen this friend of mine since we got that wow game.

**totally stressed and frazzled**

~Haze

[Chameleon]

You need to read the information on that site, they are not a quick fix for your situation. You need to figure out why you are putting up with this man and get out, even if that means staying with your parents. You need to talk to your boyfriend directly and stop communicating with cold shoulders and hints. You need to get out before you get beaten up over a computer game or sent to jail because of your boyfriend's manipulation. You need to wake up.

[wordsmith]

Honestly, it does just sound like a situation you really just need to remove yourself from, ASAP. You and the guy are GOING to come to blows (or worse), if you don't, from the sound of everything you've written.

[DontHate]

ahemm......

I think this in the point in the program where we ask you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org) and seek help.

[Chameleon]

Just to clarify, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is not going to send someone to your house and take your abusive man away, you will have to do the legwork (getting your head in the right place so you don't keep taking him back, figuring out a way to get out of the situation immediately) so don't sit around waiting for things to escalate before contacting them. You need the information now!

[shimma]

leave. your neighbor was so irresponsible to return you to that house.

[WorkInProgress]

I think this in the point in the program where we ask you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org) and seek help. I'm sure the attention you are getting from all this drama is nice but if you are only doing this for entertainment value and with no intention of getting help, you need more help that we can offer here.

Kinda the feeling I'm starting to get.

OP, it sounds as though push has already come to shove. Get your shit together and leave, even if you have to go home. I'd move anyway, even if you manage to get the BF to leave.

[Phoenix212]

ExestentialHaze,

I wanted to reply because it seems like we've had similar relationship patterns. Like you, I've had a lot of problems with relationships which were basically abusive.

First of all... There is hope for breaking away from relationships that you no longer want. Long story short, a couple of years ago, I started to break away from a web of very toxic relationship patterns. I am slowly beginning to build rewarding, non-abusive relationships. Over the last couple of years, despite rarely having known positive relationships, I've been able to meet many amazing people. Several are now close friends.

Also, if you decide to move, it can be done. A year ago, I left the home of a relative on short notice out of fear for my personal safety. (FWIW, I'd been paying market rent.) I left surreptitiously to avoid a final confrontation on the way out. To get my belongings out, I moved them one trunkload at a time to a storage unit. Storage units aren't expensive or difficult to rent. For housing, I mostly stayed in youth hostels and a SRO until finding a short-term apartment. In some places, YMCA's also offer cheap housing. The point is that these issues are just logistical details which can be dealt with. You don't have to live in fear, be homeless or lose the possessions that matter to you.

Unfortunately, getting your boyfriend out of the apartment might be tricky depending on where you live. In some places, if someone actually resides in an apartment, even with no lease, they cannot be removed without full-blown eviction proceedings. The length of time required to evict someone varies greatly depending on where you live, but it takes months in some places.

Good luck!

[ExestentialHaze]

Well it didn't work. I can't get rid of him. He's almost got a job though, almost quit smoking...he's on some filtered cigs by camel. He's actually made me dinner in the past 4 nights.

If I don't see improvements in the next week and a half I am going to use my extra money to get a storange unit and start taking my things there. It'll be hard though since the bf is always home. I talk to him, but I don't let him near me at all. He's tried to kiss me a few times and I declined.

One thing...I am not going to run to my parents house to live...That would be a nightmare. If I move it'll be far away....I'm looking into some jobs out in CA, hopefully somewhere I can find a job there...It has been a dream of mine since I was little to do so. I found a few apartments around 700 a month in North CA, and a few in Orange County. I hear Orange County isn't all that great, but at least it would be closer to where I'd want to really be.

I still feel dead in my life. Drained of all my energy and hope.

~Haze

[cache]

reminds me of Uncle Buck:

"yeah, I quit smoking cigarettes. Now I am onto cigars, and hopefully, in a year or so, I'll be able to cut down to only pipe tobacco"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

My dad quit cigs close to two years ago due to a cancer scare. Then, about 6 months after quitting, he took up "the occasional cigar." Which mutated into the chain smoking of cigars. Pisses me off to no end.