Confidence

[FockeWulf]

I'm hoping to find some good advice here. I'm a 22 year old guy who just graduated from college in June. Professionally, I have my life together. I have a decent paying job and just bought my first house. However, my personal life is a bummer. I’m socially retarded to say the least. I have a hard time making friends; I do have a few but always feel awkward in social situations involving more than just a couple people. Here’s the real kicker… I have not to this day had a girlfriend. I can't explain why exactly. I guess throughout my teen years, I was a bit of a tool and could not fathom what a girl would see in me so I was content just hanging out with my 1 or 2 friends. Now that I’m ‘all grown up’ I’m starting to envy the folks that are in relationships and I have no freakin clue what to do at this point. I feel that I have no confidence and have hoped that someday I’ll have some epiphany and figure it all out. Well... it’s been too damn long waiting for my revelation and so I ask for advice. If anyone has experienced the same situation, would you be so kind as to share some resources that may give me some guidance on how to fix this mess? Websites, books, helpful advice; anything is appreciated!

~Mike

[wordsmith]

You're really not that old to not have been in a relationship. I'd hestitate to call it a mess, really. You've got other things figured out in your life, which makes you lucky. Now you can focus on this facet. Don't compare yourself to others, everybody goes about these things differently.

[CTGirl]

Yeah, I've known lots of people your age (and my age, as I'm only 2 years older than you) who have never had a bf/gf so dont freak out about that.

You're in a good place in the rest of your life, so now you can devote your attention to your social skills, which isnt something that everyone can do, so you're in a good position.

Good luck!

[Kitty]

Try not to stress so much, it's really not as big of a deal as you're making it. Maybe try some online dating sites?

[Bman120]

I'll echo what the others in the thread are saying man, don't let it get ya down.

I'm 23 and i've never been in a serious or long term relationship. I've had a couple of short term ones. I've cared a lot for some of the girls I was with and not as much for others, thinking of them more as friends with benefits. I'm not really sure why it turned out this way. I always saw myself as someone who would meet a girl, fall in love and all that good stuff but over the last few years i've come to the realization that that may not be the thing for me at the moment. I hoped to find some kind of epiphany or something like that too that would show me the way but it hasn't come yet.

What this taught me is that you can't wait for one to come. You've got to go out there and find one. That is how confidance will come. You go out there and tell yourself you will figure it out eventually. You've come to the realization that your ephipany hasnt come yet and you've waited too long. That's good and this is taking it a step further.

What I do is I go out. Not to bars and clubs because i'm not really that good at them, I can't do that grinding dance thing, i'm just not coordinated enough I think heh, and the loud music is a conversation killer for me because I can barely understand the girls I meet.

I go to malls, stores, restaurants. I don't go there to hit on women, I just go to be out. If I meet someone, I might try and strike up conversation. I admit this sort of thing hasnt really happened much yet but then i'm still new at this so its not really a big deal yet. But the point is I am out exposing myself to the outside world. And that is how you become confidant with something, by becoming familiar with it. Am I really confidant? Not yet, but i'm working on it and I think i'm in better shape than I was a year ago.

And there is also online dating too if you want to try that. My problem with online dating is that its tough for a person to get to know me through spoken word only. I can be pretty complicated and meeting me in person will be different than talking to me online. Of course I only met one girl online and it was through a college class messageboard so I suppose it might be different from a professional dating site but I guess i'll figure that out eventually.

I hope this helps man, cuz for what its worth, I know how ya feel.

[FockeWulf]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I guess I just have a messed up view on my own reality...Thanks for the kind words and advice. I guess I just have a messed up view on reality. It’s ludicrously irrational, really, and that’s what bothers me so much. I know that If I was to go out and put myself in a position to meet people I would likely make an impression on someone; or at least not make a total fool of myself. I just need to get past this notion that my options are to either work too hard to impress people or avoid the human race at all costs for fear of rejection. I shouldn’t care the slightest bit about what people I have not yet met think of me but I gear myself up to go into social situations expecting that I will be discarded unless I prove myself worthy of socializing with. It’s something I need to work on and I’ll definitely continue roaming these forums looking for all the answers. :-D

[ereliz33]

I definitely have the same problem... I am a girl, but I am not confident talking to the opposite sex. I am confident in every other aspect of my life, but for some reason can not have a normal conversation with someone I am interested in. I am taking baby steps to fix this. For example, this week I am trying to start conversations with people I think are attractive to me that are based on questions I ask about them. Then they will at least know I am interested getting to know them.

It is taking a risk and I am really nervous, but I have to do it or I will probably be alone forever.

So take small steps and work towards a goal. Believe me, you will be so glad you did it. And just remember, you are judging yourself much harder than anyone else is. Even if you say something stupid, it doesnt matter really to anyone but you!

[CTGirl]

Great advice Bman!

I think what you said about just going out and being out and not focusing on picking up a girl is really important. When I finished grad school, most of my friends were suddenly gone off to other parts of the country, and I had to start a whole new social network for myself. But I went out and socialized, and met people in environments where I felt comfortable, and where I thought I would meet people with common interests, and its working.

Good luck to you, and like Bman and others said, dont be so hard on yourself, and just put yourself out there and meet people.

[nxn]

A friend who is extremely confident said to me once, that he wasnt always the confident guy he is today, and was quite shy before I became friends with him. And the way he become confident was, something simular to what ereliz33 said about starting conversations with being you're attracted to. In the beginning it was simply starting conversations with girls, serving him in shops, waitresses in resturants, waiting in line, etc. If they blew him off, no biggy he never had to see them again, but every time he got something out of them he said he felt a little better about himself.

It might sound a little silly, but he told me to go into Clothing stores. Usually theres a nice looking girl manning the store. Go in, pretend you're interested in something.. and talk about clothing. What else.. theres your topic of conversation right there. Say you need something for a party or for going out, but you dont know what to get and if she has any advice. Let her pick out a few things and help you out.

Not only do you get to have a conversation with an attractive girl but you get a little prespective on clothing and what suits you. And maybe what style of clothing might appeal the other sex.

[psu1ski17]

I recommend The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I'm sure its not for everyone, but it has helped me develop a core confidence. Once you gain a core confidence, its easier to build off that in other areas.

[stonemonkey]

It might sound a little silly, but he told me to go into Clothing stores. Usually theres a nice looking girl manning the store. Go in, pretend you're interested in something.. and talk about clothing. What else.. theres your topic of conversation right there. Say you need something for a party or for going out, but you dont know what to get and if she has any advice. Let her pick out a few things and help you out.

I think this is on the right track, but I'd just be wary that these people are being paid to be nice to you.

[wordsmith]

It's wise to be catious regarding the personal sincerity of salespeople. Particularly when you're on their turf.

[spiritedaway]

On a completely sidetracked note, sometimes it gets tiring to put yourself out there, so you don't. It's the fastest way to kill a social network, but sometimes it's good to have some alone time and see if others reciprocate. Unless you just don't want to be alone...then yeah, you'll have to put yourself out there.

Great advice Bman!

Good luck to you, and like Bman and others said, dont be so hard on yourself, and just put yourself out there and meet people.

[stonemonkey]

On a completely sidetracked note, sometimes it gets tiring to put yourself out there, so you don't. It's the fastest way to kill a social network, but sometimes it's good to have some alone time and see if others reciprocate. Unless you just don't want to be alone...then yeah, you'll have to put yourself out there.

It does get tiring, but for me, I've found that I've had to force myself out there no matter what, because otherwise I'll easily fall back into the same routine of being alone all the time. It's kind of a 'dammit, I'm going to have a good time if it kills me' mentality.

[spiritedaway]

i see what you're saying. it may seemed like you're forcing yourself to put yourself out there, but sometimes you end up having lots of fun. It's the endless possibilities of what can happen when you put yourself out there. i am guessing it has been fruitful for you? :)

if i am making the effort with someone all the time, then i'm less inclined to keep trying as hard. or i am just not in the mood to be socially active, then that the "i'm gonna have a good time even if it kills me" mentality is just out the window for me.

It does get tiring, but for me, I've found that I've had to force myself out there no matter what, because otherwise I'll easily fall back into the same routine of being alone all the time. It's kind of a 'dammit, I'm going to have a good time if it kills me' mentality.

[Bman120]

I shouldn’t care the slightest bit about what people I have not yet met think of me but I gear myself up to go into social situations expecting that I will be discarded unless I prove myself worthy of socializing with. It’s something I need to work on and I’ll definitely continue roaming these forums looking for all the answers.

Yeah it's hard to not care what others think, wether you know them or not. Most of us want to be liked, or at least dont want to be disliked.

In many ways, life is like a sales job. You are constantly selling yourself to others. When you apply for a job, you sell your skills. When you meet people, you are putting your personality on display for them to see. And when you display yourself to anyone, its only natural for that to make a person uncomfortable.

The key is to do what great salesmen and women have done, and that is to get rid of the fear of rejection. Those people get rejected all the time, but they live only for that moment where they make the sale. That less often occurring moment more than makes up for the rejection that happends more often. They go in, make the best pitch they can, then wait for the result. If its positive, they celebrate and move on. If its a negative reaction, they shug and move on. The key part of this is the move on. I've been on tons of interviews with sales companies and i've watched these guys do this all the time. Sales wasn't for me but I always remembered what they did because it was a valuable skill to know.

So when I go to meet new people, I tell myself to go in there, do the damn best I can and cover all my bases and then wait to see the results. If you make a friend, great! If not, there is no reason to beat yourself up over it, you've just got to go on. Taking this approach has helped me a lot to not get worked up over what other people thing. Not gonna lie, I still do feel bothered now and then but i'm better than I once was.

Great advice Bman!

I think what you said about just going out and being out and not focusing on picking up a girl is really important. When I finished grad school, most of my friends were suddenly gone off to other parts of the country, and I had to start a whole new social network for myself. But I went out and socialized, and met people in environments where I felt comfortable, and where I thought I would meet people with common interests, and its working.


Thanks! Yeah its amazing how much it helps over time. I've felt the difference over the years. Its been slow but then every step in the right direction is a good one right?

It's wise to be catious regarding the personal sincerity of salespeople. Particularly when you're on their turf.

Absolutely. What I do in a situation where i'm dealing with a sales person is if they are selling something I dont want, I start up the conversation, then after a minute or two I say i'm not interested but then try to continue the conversation. If they loose interest and move on, then they're into the sale and think of you as a target but if they're interest lingers, even for only a little bit because they have to get back to their job, then that could be a sign of interest. I donno what do ya think, is that a decent litmus test?

[stonemonkey]

Absolutely. What I do in a situation where i'm dealing with a sales person is if they are selling something I dont want, I start up the conversation, then after a minute or two I say i'm not interested but then try to continue the conversation. If they loose interest and move on, then they're into the sale and think of you as a target but if they're interest lingers, even for only a little bit because they have to get back to their job, then that could be a sign of interest. I donno what do ya think, is that a decent litmus test?

It could also mean that they're particularly stubborn and still want to close the sale. I just don't trust people when there are competing interests at hand.

[vxmike]

Mike,

Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I'm 24 and despite being otherwise successful and content with my life (good job, etc, blah blah) have never had a girlfriend. It's been over two years since I've had any non-platonic contact/interaction with a female.

The older you get it will become infinitely more difficult to remedy the situation. Honestly I think once a person reaches their mid-twenties with almost complete non-participation in the dating/relationship game it's not likely to happen. We're just too far behind. Fix it if you can NOW before you end up a workaholic like me with no hope in this area.

[Bman120]

^^ I donno VX, i'd hardly say there's a point of no return in this. I don't know you so I really can't say much about your situation but from where I sit, there is always a chance to change things. It just depends on how willing you are to take a risk.

Let's say someone who is similar to you ie 24 and never had a girlfriend wanted to change things. Its a challenge no doubt but it is possible. And it starts by forcing yourself to go out there and meet people. You've got to take a risk and I won't lie and say its a small one because in this situation, it can be big.

You've got to go out there and meet girls and blunder your way through where necesary. Every guy makes mistakes in relationships, what's important is you learn from them and do better. In your first relationships, you will make mistakes, you'll have to get the timing down right for stuff, you've got to learn what to talk about and what not to talk about, there's body language and so on.

But you learn all of this through experience. You may learn it fast and the first girl could end up being the one, or it may take several dates before you get your style down. And what's important to remember is there is always more to learn and always more improvement to be made. I've been on dates over the years and my first few didnt go so well but ive learned and i'm better at it now and to this day, each date ive been on I look back and can point out a thing or two that I should have done differently.

The risk is going out there and learning eventhough a lot of men in your position may have learned it earlier. But if your willing to take it, then you can change things and meet someone.

[stonemonkey]

But you learn all of this through experience.

Right, but if you're 24, then that's about a decade of experience that you're behind on. It's possible to catch up, but in no way is it easy.

[wordsmith]

How are you behind? I know not one 14-year old that dates like a twentysomething, gotta tell you.

[stonemonkey]

Just in terms of experience.

[wordsmith]

Again, what does that experience net you when you're pubescent?

If you're 45 and never dated, worry about inexperience. Worrying that you're hopelessly socially behind in your early twenties is making mountains out of molehills.

[stonemonkey]

It's like applying for a job. Guys with experience would have an advantage over guys with no experience. It's not the end of the world, I'm just saying that it's not easy.

[wordsmith]

Quality of experience counts for more than you realize. You're just making excuses, now.

P.S. Quite possibly the best guy I ever dated? Midtwenties, no real experience to speak of.

[stonemonkey]

P.S. Quite possibly the best guy I ever dated? Midtwenties, no real experience to speak of.

Some guys are naturals. The rest of us learn through experience.

[CTGirl]

Having experience is not necessarily the key to success. Also, keep in mind that a guy who has female friends and relatives can be much better at knowing how to treat a girl than a guy who's had a dozen girlfriends, so the "experience" that counts, to me at least, is that of knowing how to interact with the opposite sex, and you dont have to have had a gf to know how to do that.

I know lots of guys our age who have had no real relationships, or have had one shitty one, so you guys are not alone, and its not too late for you at all!

[AG_47]

I'm a 22 year old female and I've never been on a date (except prom which I was asked the day of by the only guy in the school without a date- I met him at the school, he didn't buy me flowers, and I had to pay for myself but I still had a ton of fun), I've never been asked out, I've never kissed a guy, and I've never been in a relationship with a guy. I really hate it but I don't worry about it because I want to put the rest of my life together first. When I'm ready to start focusing on my social life then I'll start going out and trying to meet guys. I don't have any friends so it'll be difficult but I know I just have to put myself out there. I'm not going to meet anyone sitting at home every Friday night. What you need to do is make a list of hobbies you'd like to try and join some organizations that relate to those hobbies. It will be award at first but I think with a little practice, talking to girls will become natural. For example, I took my car to a classic car show over the summer and I met a lot of guys there. I don't know anything about my car so it was akward when they would ask what type of engine I had or if I did any modifications to it but if I learn more about my car over the winter then next summer I'll be able to talk to guys at the car shows.

[stonemonkey]

a guy who has female friends and relatives can be much better at knowing how to treat a girl than a guy who's had a dozen girlfriends,

There's a difference, because I'm good at knowing how to treat a girl as a friend which has probably hindered rather than helped me.

[wordsmith]

Some guys are naturals. The rest of us learn through experience.

How do you know you're not? I'm thinking it came as a surprise to my former guy that he was, too. In fact, I know so, b/c he told me.

[CTGirl]

There's a difference, because I'm good at knowing how to treat a girl as a friend which has probably hindered rather than helped me.

I dont really see how that could be the case. Unless you're good at being friends with girls and just dont know how to take things to the next level, cuz I've seen that. But that's not that big a problem in my opinion, and is easily corrected ;)

[stonemonkey]

How do you know you're not? I'm thinking it came as a surprise to my former guy that he was, too. In fact, I know so, b/c he told me.

haha, if I were a natural, I wouldn't still be single. To be honest, a large proportion of what I know about women I learnt from this website.

[stonemonkey]

Unless you're good at being friends with girls and just dont know how to take things to the next level, cuz I've seen that.

That's exactly my problem. But this thread isn't about me so I'll stop going on about it.

[CTGirl]

haha, if I were a natural, I wouldn't still be single. To be honest, a large proportion of what I know about women I learnt from this website.

Well this is an excellent place to learn from, considering the calliber of women here :huge:

[stonemonkey]

The only caveat is that girls in real life may be of a, shall we say, 'different' calibre.

[wordsmith]

Right, because we're SO unique. :googly:

Look, you really come off as WANTING to believe that you're fucked. I'm done arguing with you, you're right, you're fucked.

[CTGirl]

The only caveat is that girls in real life may be of a, shall we say, 'different' calibre.

Are you implying that we are not "real"? lol

[LaFille]

there are probably plenty of girls out there who aren't that 'experienced either.' wouldn't they probably feel more comfortable dating a guy who also has little experience? also, when you like someone, you like someone, and learning that you don't have a lot of experience isn't going to chase a girl away. at least, it wouldn't bother me. wouldn't bother me if a guy had tons more experience than me either... short of gigilo status, that is :huge:

[stonemonkey]

Look, you really come off as WANTING to believe that you're fucked. I'm done arguing with you, you're right, you're fucked.

What? I never said anything of the sort.

[stonemonkey]

Are you implying that we are not "real"? lol

No, no, I'm just saying that the views expressed here may not necessarily exactly match those in the wider community.

[wordsmith]

You do, though. You have all these excuses for why anybody in the world is fated to be luckier at love, what have you, than you are. And anytime anybody tries to present anything even remotely encouraging, (or at least, discouraging of your defeatist view), you come up with every reason in the world it isn't so, and try to blow it out of the water. Which leads me to believe that you WANT some excuse to hold on to. So, fine. You're way too inexperienced, it's a catch-22, inexperience begets more inexperience, you'll never break the cycle. Is that what you wanna hear? Because it's pointless to say, "But, wait...maybe that's NOT quite right, because you have a million excuses in your arsenal for why it's so. It's a waste of time, when you don't WANT to buy that maybe, just maybe, things will be fine in time. Just like you don't want to buy that women who think like "the QLC women" might actually be all over the place offline, as well as online. What do you think, we all just ended up in the same place by chance? Or do you suppose we're more common than you think?

I'm sorry, but it's just frustrating.

[stonemonkey]

I never said that I have no experience. Nor that a lack of experience dooms you to hell.

[wordsmith]

Then why the constant doom, gloom, and defeat? Why the certainty that if you don't date before your midtwenties, you've lost a good ten years of valuable time, and other such baseless suppositions?

[stonemonkey]

I'm not saying that it's impossible, I'm just saying it's more difficult.

[wordsmith]

I feel like you might be desensitized as to exactly how negative and skeptical of pretty much anything positive thrown your way you come off, then. But I've been reading your posts for how many years, now?

[stonemonkey]

Longer than I care to admit...

You've known me a while, words, and you know that I'm naturally skeptical. Prone to emotional outbursts, sure, but I try to look at things clearly.

[wordsmith]

All I'm saying is that you come prepared to argue down anything that could possibly be construed as optimistic regarding dating. I don't recall anything but an endless stream of pessimism when it comes to this topic. So at what point is there no real purpose in trying to present the contrary viewpoint?

[stonemonkey]

It's the whole 'prepare for the worst, hope for the best' mentality, that's all. That, and the fact that I don't tell you guys about my 'successes', I only come here to vent when I need it.

I don't think I've ever said that anything is hopeless. Difficult, sure, but never hopeless. At least not intentionally in a lucid post (i.e. not an insomnia-driven outburst post)

[wordsmith]

You need to realize that people take what you post at face value.

[stonemonkey]

I do, I'm starting to realise that. I have no idea what your perception of me is, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was completely different to how I am in real life.

[wordsmith]

I think that's often the case online. Because people can only know how we present ourselves. And if you know you're actually way different than you present yourself, there you go.

[stonemonkey]

Well, I'm at least not a pessimistic defeatist. I don't think so, anyway. I'm naturally inclined to be negative, but I'm working on that.

[wordsmith]

Thanks for the PM. :)

[stonemonkey]

Anytime, big sis!

[wordsmith]

Everybody needs an ass-kickin' every now and then.

[stonemonkey]

I'm hoping to find some good advice here. I'm a 22 year old guy who just graduated from college in June. Professionally, I have my life together. I have a decent paying job and just bought my first house. However, my personal life is a bummer. I’m socially retarded to say the least. I have a hard time making friends; I do have a few but always feel awkward in social situations involving more than just a couple people. Here’s the real kicker… I have not to this day had a girlfriend. I can't explain why exactly. I guess throughout my teen years, I was a bit of a tool and could not fathom what a girl would see in me so I was content just hanging out with my 1 or 2 friends. Now that I’m ‘all grown up’ I’m starting to envy the folks that are in relationships and I have no freakin clue what to do at this point. I feel that I have no confidence and have hoped that someday I’ll have some epiphany and figure it all out. Well... it’s been too damn long waiting for my revelation and so I ask for advice. If anyone has experienced the same situation, would you be so kind as to share some resources that may give me some guidance on how to fix this mess? Websites, books, helpful advice; anything is appreciated!

~Mike

In light of my ass getting kicked, I'd like to respond to the OP.

Hi Mike, welcome to the boards! (And sorry for taking your thread on a little detour back there.)

First of all, never underestimate that which you already have. You have a good job and your own house, that's awesome. There are plenty guys your age (including me) who'd love to be able to say that.

As for being a 'social retard', well, I guess I can't say that I've ever been Mr. Popular either. But self-improvement is always an option. Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Have role models, think of how they would react in a given social situation.

Work on your self-esteem, I don't know what girls would see in me, either, but they must see something. I don't understand it, I don't try to. Just know that attraction is alot more complicated than you think it is.

You're 22. You're not all grown up. When you're 32, you'll look back on this post and see how stupid that idea is. There is no epiphany coming. It only happens when you force yourself, as scared and as painful as it might feel, to put yourself in situations where you meet people. Do it long enough and it will start feeling natural. At first it's hard but then you loosen up and feel more comfortable.

[wordsmith]

That's what I call a response.

[nxn]

I think this is on the right track, but I'd just be wary that these people are being paid to be nice to you.

Which makes them the perfect candicates to practice on. However it doesnt prepare you for rejection.

[stonemonkey]

Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'm all for practicing on the sales girl, I'm just saying that 'real' girls aren't so easy.

[ScottyTheBody]

Are you implying that we are not "real"? lol

Why is it so hard to believe that the women are different on these boards than the women that we meet in real life yet it is so easy to believe that the men on these boards are quite different than men you (this isn't directed at you though but some women on this board have said something to this effect) meet in real life?

[dostoy]

Why is it so hard to believe that the women are different on these boards than the women that we meet in real life yet it is so easy to believe that the men on these boards are quite different than men you (this isn't directed at you though but some women on this board have said something to this effect) meet in real life?
Intelligent women seem to be attracted to this site, well it is based on a book so that's one thing, these women here seem to be more intelligent to me than women I meet in real life, I think they are a minority, most women I meet in real life want one of two things out of a guy, huge muscles or $$$.

[cache]

Intelligent women seem to be attracted to this site, well it is based on a book so that's one thing, these women here seem to be more intelligent to me than women I meet in real life, I think they are a minority, most women I meet in real life want one of two things out of a guy, huge muscles or $$$.

You said in another thread that you and your sister are the only intelligent people you know. The problem is not that all women want guys with muscles and money, it is your circle.

[dostoy]

You said in another thread that you and your sister are the only intelligent people you know. The problem is not that all women want guys with muscles and money, it is your circle.
You are absolutely right on the money, it's something I need to fix. I wish I was still in college, well not really but in terms of meeting decently smart people my age I do.

[LaFille]

Why is it so hard to believe that the women are different on these boards than the women that we meet in real life yet it is so easy to believe that the men on these boards are quite different than men you (this isn't directed at you though but some women on this board have said something to this effect) meet in real life?

i personally don't regard you all as 'the men on this board' because even though all i have to work with are postings, i can see that you guys are all pretty different. there is no 'typical.' same goes for women :)

[CTGirl]

i personally don't regard you all as 'the men on this board' because even though all i have to work with are postings, i can see that you guys are all pretty different. there is no 'typical.' same goes for women :)

Agreed, I think the people on this board are rather varied, and I dont see the people here as being any different from the people I interact with on a daily basis in "real life"

[wordsmith]

The only real through-lines that you can use to generalize about people on these boards, of either gender, are as follows:

-We're typically people who work jobs that allow us a good deal of internet time, which right there is a population subsect (or we're unemployed, but doing okay enough that we have things like computers and net access).

-We're typically people who like to read and write, and are probably reasonably competent at either, because people who don't like those things aren't normally drawn to messageboards as a medium.

There is variety within that, but those two are pretty consistent shared traits.

[CTGirl]

The only real through-lines that you can use to generalize about people on these boards, of either gender, are as follows:

-We're typically people who work jobs that allow us a good deal of internet time, which right there is a population subsect (or we're unemployed, but doing okay enough that we have things like computers and net access).

-We're typically people who like to read and write, and are probably reasonably competent at either, because people who don't like those things aren't normally drawn to messageboards as a medium.

There is variety within that, but those two are pretty consistent shared traits.


Well sure, but those are enormous subgroups of the population, so it hardly makes sense for people to be making all these generalizations about the "people on this board"

[wordsmith]

That'd be my point.

[CTGirl]

That'd be my point.

My bad, for some reason I thought you were on the other side of this issue!

[cache]

My bad, for some reason I thought you were on the other side of this issue!

Oh, com'n, keep going, its fun to watch two people trying to make the same point while telling the other that she's wrong... :huge:

[ScottyTheBody]

i personally don't regard you all as 'the men on this board' because even though all i have to work with are postings, i can see that you guys are all pretty different. there is no 'typical.' same goes for women :)

Precisely how I envision the people on this board as well and every single person in general...

Maybe I just imagined it but I could have sworn this was said about the men on this board before (not by you but by someone, also its not a bad thing and I take no offense to it because I think it was said in a good light too)...

[Winter Storm]

Maybe I just imagined it but I could have sworn this was said about the men on this board before (not by you but by someone, also its not a bad thing and I take no offense to it because I think it was said in a good light too)...
That'd be me.

And yes, I notice a HUGE difference in attitudes between the men on this board and men I know in real life. Don't know why but I find men here to be more articulate, caring, sensitive, relationship-minded and they seem to value women and love more.

It could be that the men I know in real life are the same and choose not to show me these sides. But, yeah that was me.

At the same token, the women here are different from women I know too but it isn't as big a difference. Message boards attract a certain kind of person. People I don't know well in real life.

[stonemonkey]

And yes, I notice a HUGE difference in attitudes between the men on this board and men I know in real life. Don't know why but I find men here to be more articulate, caring, sensitive, relationship-minded and they seem to value women and love more.

It could be that the men I know in real life are the same and choose not to show me these sides. But, yeah that was me.

At the same token, the women here are different from women I know too but it isn't as big a difference.

I actually think that it has to do with the fact that this board is dominated by women. Not that there's anything wrong with female domination.

[wordsmith]

And that we, the majority, tend to not tolerate guys who come on and are rude or what have you.

[FockeWulf]

Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Have role models, think of how they would react in a given social situation.

Thanks! I'll have to give this book a look. The role model suggestion is not a bad idea either; to find someone I look up to and try to emulate their confidence and demeanor.

I think this thread has unintentionally shown me something else. I have been making excuses for too long about why I'm unable to get dates, make friends, socialize like a human being… I need to motivate myself to get out of my rut and make the conscious effort to put myself out in the world and try to shed this irrational BS that’s been bothering me for too long. There’s a gym by my new house and I think I’m going to join up for a year or so. I figure, best case scenario, I meet some people while I’m running/biking/etc. Worst case, I lose 15-20 lbs and that alone will help my confidence and, hopefully, appeal…. Come to think of it, the REAL worst case scenario would be I lose motivation in a week and am out 250 bucks for the membership but I guess I’ll have to take the risk ;-) Thanks again folks!

[Bman120]

I think this thread has unintentionally shown me something else. I have been making excuses for too long about why I'm unable to get dates, make friends, socialize like a human being… I need to motivate myself to get out of my rut and make the conscious effort to put myself out in the world and try to shed this irrational BS that’s been bothering me for too long. There’s a gym by my new house and I think I’m going to join up for a year or so. I figure, best case scenario, I meet some people while I’m running/biking/etc. Worst case, I lose 15-20 lbs and that alone will help my confidence and, hopefully, appeal…. Come to think of it, the REAL worst case scenario would be I lose motivation in a week and am out 250 bucks for the membership but I guess I’ll have to take the risk ;-) Thanks again folks!

Your welcome and good luck man.

[stonemonkey]

There’s a gym by my new house and I think I’m going to join up for a year or so. I figure, best case scenario, I meet some people while I’m running/biking/etc. Worst case, I lose 15-20 lbs and that alone will help my confidence and, hopefully, appeal….

That's a great idea. Within a couple weeks, you do start looking at yourself in the mirror differently. I've also known that taking up some form of martial arts can increase a person's general confidence. It's a shit way to meet girls, but it's good for the confidence.

[wordsmith]

You don't meet guys at step aerobics or yoga, either (at least not here), but it's also good for personal wellbeing and therefore confidence, centeredness, and groundedness. Happiness starts from inside.

[Brillo25]

I'm late getting in on this, but dude, I'm 30 -- freakin' 30!!! -- and I've never had a relationship either, aside from a girl I went out with for three months in high school. I didn't really start making myself available until I was 29, because for one thing I was always socially awkward and it took me until I was 29 before I got to a place where I could really focus on my social life. After a year of meeting countless new people and constantly dating one person or another, it's quickly becoming old hat. It will for you too, although it will be stressful at first while you're getting used to it. Just start putting yourself out there, use the internet or whatever, and throw yourself in the fire enough times until it gets easier. Experience is the only way to learn, even if you stumble through the first few efforts.

[wordsmith]

Seriously, I was waiting for Brillo to post, because he's seriously one of the least socially awkward people I know...you'd never know he only recently got in the dating game. It's not like you go around with a big "Loser" on your forehead everybody can see if you're in your twenties and haven't dated much. It doesn't take a really long time to get used to just doing it.

[stonemonkey]

You know, as much as I like to think that I've got the confidence thing down, I think it's never quite there. I don't meet new people on a daily basis, so it's still a novel thing for me when it happens. The version of me making a first impression is not the same as the me that's at ease with my regular friends and comfortable on my own turf. When I meet a girl I'm into for the first time, I tend to spill things, I stumble through things that are meant to be funny but fall flat because I can't gauge their sense of humour, I'm as awkward as Hugh Grant in his early movies. So I guess I've never completely shaken off that first level of confidence building, where you're a mess on the inside but at least have the composure to appear to have it together on the outside.

[FockeWulf]

So I guess I've never completely shaken off that first level of confidence building, where you're a mess on the inside but at least have the composure to appear to have it together on the outside.

Sounds familiar. It's easy to carry ourselves as confident but let's just hope that nobody calls our bluff, less we expose our awkwardness! :huge:

[stonemonkey]

Fake it until you make it, that's how I see it. Keep in mind that the average girl is probably going to feel as uncomfortable as you do on a first date.