does anyone here have problems making friends or maintaining friendships?

[Fashionista]

I'm at work but for some reasons I am in a very reflective mood.

I have realized that throughout my life I have had serious problems getting friends and maintaining friendships with people. I know part of the reason is because I am shy and people mistake that as me being a mean. But I also realized that some people I cut off to "get them before they get me" since I have had experiences where people stabbed me in the back and did some really hurtful stuff.

In elementary school I had problems making friends because of the fact that I went to a mostly white school and was only of the handful of people who was not white. Just like the students weren't nice neither were the teachers, so most of the time I was by myself because no one would associate with me. Then I was an only child and a latch key one at that so it wasn't like I could develop friendships with others outside of school.

In HS I had some friends but they left the school and the ones that were left betrayed me (they told most of the school about the problems I had at home so basically were gossiping about me non stop) so by jr year I was by myself. One friend I kept around at arms legth but because I can't trust her I really don't say much to her. Even now we talk via email and she doesn't live far from me but I just feel I can't trust her again

In college I basically hung out with no one except for this guy I had a crush on and when I started working a lot more and moved off campus I became isolated even more. I had "buddies" from class I used to hang with but once the class ended we weren't in touch that often.

Now here I am second year of full time working in the "real world" and I don't have any friends at work. No one to eat with (I am not even invited when most of my co workers go out to eat) but I do have people to make small talk with. Most of the people I used to hang with got laid off or quit already.

Currently most of the people I have contact with no are my ex from HS, the guy I had a crush on in college, realitives and my boyfriend and his mother. I don't really have my "own" friends because I just have problems meeting nice people and if I do I usually end the friendship by not calling or emailing out of fear that I will get my feelings hurt again.

I do realize this is not normal behavior but at the same time I don't know how to correct it.

Anyone else have this problem? Did you overcome it? If so how?

[winneythepooh7]

Are there any social or activity groups in your area to get involved in? Maybe an alumni group? If not, why not start one? Or place an ad on Craigslist looking for friends. I've started a social/alumnae group in the past that was very successful. I've also placed ads on Craigslist for friends. I met a cool female last week to hang out with from time to time. I think this is very normal as we get older because it's hard to actually take the steps to maintain relationships once we get home from work. I also can be quiet and shy and tend to be one of those people who "takes everything in" instead of being a Chatty Cathy when I first meet people, which I think could come off as being "stuck-up or aloof" if you don't know me, so I can relate to where you are coming from. Plus, I have a SO who is like the mayor and kept his relationships since elementary school (not that they are all quality people) and can't understand why it's harder for me. Plus he expects me to be friends with ALL of his friend's SO's and some of these women are just not my cup of tea. Hang in there!

[Fashionista]

There is really no easy way for me to post on craigslist given my location. For some reason craigslist doesn't really have a listing for my area that I can see. I tried using it before for other things and I was getting all the responses I didn't want.

As for social/alumni groups. There are some but they always happen on a night I have to work (I work nights) so it isn't even possible for me to go. I missed out on a lot of alum events and other things because of my work schedule.

[phaedra]

Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. I had friends in grade school and high school. Most just never kept in touch. Only one do I call at all, but only because she went to my college. Another one I had to let go of because she brought too much drama in my life. Same thing in college. Most of my college friends just don't bother staying in contact, and it really hurts because I thought these people were really good friends that would stick around. I have a few people that I chat with at work, and sometimes I'll hang out for a drink, but no one I've made a connection with to be a good friend. And I feel like I'm having a hard time making friends in my grad school classes because I'm just not the type of person to just randomly start a conversation with someone else. I hate being so shy, I really feel that it's a hinderance for me to find new friends and maintain the relationship. Just wanted to let you know we're in the same boat.

[Fashionista]

Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. I had friends in grade school and high school. Most just never kept in touch. Only one do I call at all, but only because she went to my college. Another one I had to let go of because she brought too much drama in my life. Same thing in college. Most of my college friends just don't bother staying in contact, and it really hurts because I thought these people were really good friends that would stick around. I have a few people that I chat with at work, and sometimes I'll hang out for a drink, but no one I've made a connection with to be a good friend. And I feel like I'm having a hard time making friends in my grad school classes because I'm just not the type of person to just randomly start a conversation with someone else. I hate being so shy, I really feel that it's a hinderance for me to find new friends and maintain the relationship. Just wanted to let you know we're in the same boat.
You and I operate the same way. Have you made strides to correct this problem? If so what where they? Does it bother you that you don't have any close friends?

I know it bothers me to an extent but I didn't realize how "abnornal" some of my behavior was until some other people started pointing it out. I know I am not a mean or stuck up person but I also understand that other adults won't understand that. When you are a quiet kid people understand you are shy but when you are a quiet adult people take that negatively most of the time.

[EmberMae]

I know it bothers me to an extent but I didn't realize how "abnornal" some of my behavior was until some other people started pointing it out. I know I am not a mean or stuck up person but I also understand that other adults won't understand that. When you are a quiet kid people understand you are shy but when you are a quiet adult people take that negatively most of the time.
Yeah, I know how you feel. I have struggled with shyness my whole life. I think I have made big strides, but it's still not good enough in the society we live in. I am fine in small groups (like 5 people max). I am fine one on one. In large groups, I am intensely uncomfortable. I don't enjoy going out and drinking like most people my age. I've had a really hard time making friends since college for that reason. In fact by the end of college I really wasn't trying anymore because I was convinced I was just going to be hurt. Recently I reconnected with my one good friend from high school and my one good friend from college via myspace. The high school friend and I do not have a lot in common anymore but we have spent some time together and it was nice. The college friend lives about 5 hours away so I haven't actually seen her yet. I also attempted to make a friend from another message board but I have this feeling she doesn't really want to be friends. We have hung out a couple of times and she will act like she wants to do something again in a general sense but never asks me to do anything specific. I've asked her a couple of times but I don' tlike to feel like I'm putting her out by trying to be friends when she doesn't want to be.

Hmm...I recently joined a book club at my apartment complex. I've had a really good time so far although I hate the book we're reading right now....There's a couple of interesting people in there but we're never done anything outside of the book club meeting. That's one thing I have a problem with, I can sometimes meet people during specific activities but it never turns to anything mroe than a casual acquaintanceship because I don't really know what to do from there.

[DontHate]

There is really no easy way for me to post on craigslist given my location. For some reason craigslist doesn't really have a listing for my area that I can see. I tried using it before for other things and I was getting all the responses I didn't want.

As for social/alumni groups. There are some but they always happen on a night I have to work (I work nights) so it isn't even possible for me to go. I missed out on a lot of alum events and other things because of my work schedule.
Do you work on weekends? What about volunteer work? Volunteering with an organization that is of interest to you will help you feel more at ease when it comes time to socialize. For example, if you love the arts and you're volunteering with an arts organization with likeminded people, there's your conversation starter right there. Already come to the event/meeting with a follow-up activity in mind. Strike up a convo with someone and invite them to a free play in the park next weekend or the photography exhibit opening next month. I know you're shy and all, but you're going to have to make the effort because people aren't going to come up to you on the street asking to be your friend.

Now, that's a good way to make friends. As for maintaining friendships, I'm still trying to figure that one out. lol.

[Ciderhillnh]

I second what donthate posted.
You have to put yourself out there a bit in order to get something going.

I do strike up random conversations but that doesn’t mean I gain instant friends. Best thing Ive found, is ask the person about themselves…where they grew up where they went to college…from there ask follow up questions. They will start asking you the same things back so be prepared to answer.
This creates a good solid conversation, then its easy enough to say hey you seem like a ton of fun…..would you be interested in taking in _________ art exhibit next week? Or suggest lets grab a bite after class at _______ café……..or even lets grab dinner next week!

All are segways into getting a more solid relationship.

As for maintaining them….basically I just do things that Id want my friends to do for me. I send Emails during the day, or a quick text just to say hey thinking of you….I make sure to try and grab dinner with them once a month, and try to put together fun activites on weekends for multiple people to go to.

[Fashionista]

Do you work on weekends? What about volunteer work? Volunteering with an organization that is of interest to you will help you feel more at ease when it comes time to socialize. For example, if you love the arts and you're volunteering with an arts organization with likeminded people, there's your conversation starter right there. Already come to the event/meeting with a follow-up activity in mind. Strike up a convo with someone and invite them to a free play in the park next weekend or the photography exhibit opening next month. I know you're shy and all, but you're going to have to make the effort because people aren't going to come up to you on the street asking to be your friend.

Now, that's a good way to make friends. As for maintaining friendships, I'm still trying to figure that one out. lol.

I do work weekends, but I do get a few Saturdays off here and there and have tried finding groups to be apart of, which has been hard because of my work schedule.

I understand that people are not going to walk up to me and asked to be my friend but I also feel sometimes I am very akward in intitating conversations because I am shy. There have been a few times I have tried and got a cold response which makes me more and more hesitant to try. Everyone likes shy kids cause they are cute, shy adults are always mistaken for being mean, aloff, etc.

Also it is hard to meet people around my age group in my area that are interested in doing the same things I am. Most people in their 20's still want to party and go to concerts and such but that isn't really my thing. I have met some nice people on the message boards but they live kinda far and sometimes it is not economical for me to travel to see them. We do exchange emails but that is about it.

When I lived closer to my school I still try to stick around and do events there but I started to feel embarrassed because people would walk up to me and say "Hey, didn't you graduate already?" The alum events leave much to be desired and only happen maybe 3xs a year. Sometimes I get requested to come back to campus by the organization I used to be apart of to talk to the new students but that is about it. I exchanged numbers and emails there but nothing has happened with that.

[Ciderhillnh]

Yes some 20 somethings love to party, but I bet that’s not ALL they do.

Im a big partier, Im out clubbing and hitting the bars most weekends….but I do have dinner parties, and movie nights, and like to go to museums and go to poetry readings.

I highly doubt Im the only person who does both.

You also might need to go a bit outside your comfort zone and head to a bar with a new friend to participate in something they enjoy as well.

[winneythepooh7]

There's also a difference between going out and having a drink or two, or getting flat-out-drunk-off-your ass. Unless you have problems with alcohol, I think that this also helps the conversation flow more smoothly when you are not only shy, but are first meeting a random stranger. And you don't have to go to a club or a packed bar. Neighborhood bars are perfect for first meet-ups. You could always do coffee too.

[DontHate]

Also it is hard to meet people around my age group in my area that are interested in doing the same things I am. Most people in their 20's still want to party and go to concerts and such but that isn't really my thing. I have met some nice people on the message boards but they live kinda far and sometimes it is not economical for me to travel to see them. We do exchange emails but that is about it. Like Ciderhillnh said, there are people who like to party as well as have a good time at a poetry reading. Understand that you don't have to do EVERYTHING with people that you meet, but you can hang out with them when they're not out partying and drinking. If they go out to bars on Saturdays, invite them to a movie or something on a Sunday. Eventually they may introduce you to thier friends and thier friends will introduce you to thier friends and so on and so forth. Most of the close friends I have, I've actually met through a mutual friend. It may also help to express this to people that you meet.

It may sound harsh but the only way to get over being shy is to...well get over being shy. You have to put yourself out there. Think about it like this, if you're at an event somewhere and you ask someone to hang out aftewards, the most that will happen is they'll say No thanks, and if they do you move on. At this point in your life, does it really matter what that one person thinks about you?

I really hope you can get through this. I think you should try to set a goal for yourself, such as try to find a volunteer event for the next Saturday you have off. Go to that event, meet one person and get his or her phone number. The next weekend you have off call that person and invite them somewhere. Baby steps. And if you need a little push, PM me and I'll be happy to help you in any way I can.:)

[g8ergal83]

i have trouble making friends. in high school it was ok, i had a group of friends, but college and now at work, i have like, no friends. i talkto my sister, my mom and my bf (together for 3 1/2 years). i think now its because i work by myself with my boss who is like 65 and thats it. i have no chance to meet anyone. but in college, i had plenty of chances, and none of them really worked out. i did have one good friend though, but in my last year she started doing the thing EVERY TIME we were going to hang out... "hey dude, want to go to a movie later with so-in-so and i?" "yea, sure... 7:30? ok.. call me when you're gonna come pick me up" then like, 7:20 comes and i get a call: "hey dude, i'm sorry but so-in-so and i decided to stay home and not see the movie." that happened WAY too much. and i'd be all ready to go, dressed up for the movie or dinner or whatever just to get a call at the last minute saying that she wasnt going anymore. so i stopped talking to her, thinking maybe she was giving me hints that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore. and after i graduated, she called me a few times, and after i didnt answer my phone, she was all like "dude, i hope you're not mad at me for doing that. i still want to hang out and be friends.. bla bla bla." but that really pissed me off. even now, 3 years later, im still skeptical of people when they say lets do something. and i absolutely HATE IT when people cancel at the last minute. it makes me not even want to call them again. maybe thats why i dont have many friends.. (but its mostly my bf's friends from his work that do that). i say if you make plans with someone to do something, do it. dont make plans if you dont want to do it. just dont even go there. like that stupid baby shower i got invited to and then got dis-invited to because she "cancelled it because she got into a fight with her sister" yea, right. uh huh. suuuuuuure. just dont invite me if you dont want me to come. its that simple. is it just me or does this happen to everyone?

[Krissy2006]

I have a question about this topic, when is it ok or acceptable amount of time to actually crave alone time. I mean I live with 3 other girls, and I konw that for example today, I went to the gym in the morning, and then did some groceries came home had lunch, and procrastinated my reserach, all the while, 2 of them have been home and i haven't really talked to either... does this make me anti social?... I love to talk, but I also like to do my own thing... I always feel like I isolate myself b/c I am like this, but at the same time, I sometimes just feel like ppl don't really care to hear what I have to say... is this uncommon?

[CTGirl]

I have a question about this topic, when is it ok or acceptable amount of time to actually crave alone time. I mean I live with 3 other girls, and I konw that for example today, I went to the gym in the morning, and then did some groceries came home had lunch, and procrastinated my reserach, all the while, 2 of them have been home and i haven't really talked to either... does this make me anti social?... I love to talk, but I also like to do my own thing... I always feel like I isolate myself b/c I am like this, but at the same time, I sometimes just feel like ppl don't really care to hear what I have to say... is this uncommon?

Ugh, this is precisely the reason why my last roommate adn I stopped speaking to one another :googly:

I like to come home from a long day and just chill in my room, and she felt offended by this, and stopped talking to me all together.

Everyone has their own alone-time preferences, and no one else has any right to tell you to change that if you're happy with it.

[winneythepooh7]

I have a question about this topic, when is it ok or acceptable amount of time to actually crave alone time. I mean I live with 3 other girls, and I konw that for example today, I went to the gym in the morning, and then did some groceries came home had lunch, and procrastinated my reserach, all the while, 2 of them have been home and i haven't really talked to either... does this make me anti social?... I love to talk, but I also like to do my own thing... I always feel like I isolate myself b/c I am like this, but at the same time, I sometimes just feel like ppl don't really care to hear what I have to say... is this uncommon?

As long as you aren't constantly isolating yourself, I don't see it being a huge deal (although like CTgirl pointed out, some people do take it personally). I know even with my fiance, we often spend time in seperate rooms doing our own thing in the evening. I mean, we'll eat dinner together usually, but sometimes being alone is cool too.

[Krissy2006]

Ugh, this is precisely the reason why my last roommate adn I stopped speaking to one another :googly:

I like to come home from a long day and just chill in my room, and she felt offended by this, and stopped talking to me all together.

Everyone has their own alone-time preferences, and no one else has any right to tell you to change that if you're happy with it.

Thats awful sweetie! I mean its one thing m/b to ask why you aren't spending time with her, but to go as far as to stop talking to you!!.. unbelieveable!... Well I guess I am happy with it sometimes and lonely at others... especially when I hear my roomies talking in the other room, and not inviting me to do things. Stuff like that...

[EmberMae]

Ugh, this is precisely the reason why my last roommate adn I stopped speaking to one another :googly:

I like to come home from a long day and just chill in my room, and she felt offended by this, and stopped talking to me all together.

Everyone has their own alone-time preferences, and no one else has any right to tell you to change that if you're happy with it.
OMG this is part of the reason I stopped having roomates. My sophomore year in college my two roomates got offended that I wasn't sociable enough and started planning to replace me without even asking me. WTF? Like I wanted to move out just because I need lots of alone time. It was a hellish year. It's why I feel uncomfortable living with people who are not my family. My fiance is like my family so that's different. They understand I need my space/time and that's okay, it doesn't damage the relationship. I am an introvert and need my home to be my haven. But living with friends that seems to strain the relationship. It's better when I only see friends when I'm ready to be social...

[Fashionista]

I understand what everyone is saying with "putting myself out there" but for someone that has had serious problems making friend in general due to shyness and social ackwardness, it is just very hard and down right scary. But I appreciate all the advice and will try some of the thing suggested. There is a tenant meeting in my building Saturday so I guess I will use that as a way to try and make some friends.

[stonemonkey]

I can understand that when you're introverted and get told to just "put yourself out there", it just seems vague and not that helpful. You don't go from being shy to having random conversations with strangers overnight. I guess sometimes extroverted and routinely sociable people underestimate what a big change it must be, of course it's easy to make friends once you already have a network of friends.

So yeah, that tenant meeting sounds like a good idea. At the very least, they'll see your face and you can stop and make idle chit chat next time you bump into them.

You might find this article on conversation skills helpful: http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/

[fuzmiq]

Introverts get the short end of the stick...always. We get called conceited, rude, mean, intimidating, etc. I have definitely been called all these things.
Had the roommate problem too. When i come home, I need to just be quiet.
Introverts get energized by introspection as opposed to extroverts.
You can be an introvert and not be shy. That is me. I am not afraid to talk to people. In fact, I like groups and like talking to folks. But I am not energized by it. I need me time. People who don't need this time just don't understand.
And people do get offended. My God. I just try to let people know that that is how I am.

[Fashionista]

thanks stone for the link, fuzmiq ITA with your comment, but the difference between me and you is that i AM afraid to talk to people.

[stonemonkey]

From a purely rational point of view, you have no reason to be afraid of talking to people, I mean what specifically is there to be afraid of? On the other hand, I suspect you already know this and find this line of argument unsatisfying. You're probably not going to go from shy to gregarious overnight. It's something you work on, small steps at a time. I guess it has to be something you enjoy for you to actively pursue it, rather than see it as just some sort of chore.

How did the tenant meeting go? Maybe you could meet up with some of them for drinks or something. When people drink, they let their guard down (and so will you).

[Fashionista]

From a purely rational point of view, you have no reason to be afraid of talking to people, I mean what specifically is there to be afraid of? On the other hand, I suspect you already know this and find this line of argument unsatisfying. You're probably not going to go from shy to gregarious overnight. It's something you work on, small steps at a time. I guess it has to be something you enjoy for you to actively pursue it, rather than see it as just some sort of chore.

How did the tenant meeting go? Maybe you could meet up with some of them for drinks or something. When people drink, they let their guard down (and so will you).
I am afraid of being rejected and embarrassed because I have had situations where I tried to put myself out there and make small convo with people and they were very mean to me either because they didn't want to be bothered or they already had a pre conceived notion that i was a bitch because i am shy.

As for the tenant meeting it didn't go well because it mostly question and answer with the police and fire depart after their presentation and most of the people there were waiting for a rep from utility comp to come and answer as to why the bills are so high, but they refused to come. So once everyone heard that they bolted to the door with lightening speed. I tried sticking around to see who was left but there was really no one left to talk too.

The only small convo I got was with people I already knew(my mom's childhood friend and her son lives in the same building I live in)

[stonemonkey]

So some people have been mean to you in the past, it happens. If they don't want to be friends with you, that's their loss. What you have to realise, though, is that not everyone is like that. All things being equal, people are generally friendly to people who are friendly towards them. It doesn't make sense for someone to respond to friendliness with meanness, unless they're complete assholes, which I don't think the majority of people are. Not saying that they'll immediately be best buddies for life, I'm just saying that people aren't just waiting around to slam you when they get the chance. The people you don't know don't have any preconceived notions about you, so they have no reason to be mean to you.

[Neylana]

I've been shy (sometimes to the point of social anxiety) most of my life, and all the friends I had as a child either moved away within a year, or stuck around only to reject me completely. So I have a habit of making friends and only talking to them when we are actively hanging out. I hate phones. Email is hard to remember. I lose a lot of friends due to simple lack of communicating. Often, I figure people would call me if they had anything important to say.

I pretty much freak out when some random stranger starts up a conversation (especially if the stranger is male). This is the worst social anxiety moment.

I've never liked the idea of bars or parties because of the sheer amount of people with no realy escape.

I have recently, however, noticed that I turn down offers to include me in activities, simply because I assume I won't have fun. Figuring that I'll never know whether I'll have fun unless I actually GO somewhere, I've started going, regardless of not wanting to. My therapist has helped me in this, by suggesting that if I start feeling like I need space, I should excuse myself and find a place to be alone and regroup myself. Anyone who is actually a friend will understand.

And it works. I went to a party, and the moment I started feeling crowded, I went outside and took a walk by myself. When I returned, I had my energy back.

[Irish79]

Introverts get the short end of the stick...always. We get called conceited, rude, mean, intimidating, etc. I have definitely been called all these things.
Had the roommate problem too. When i come home, I need to just be quiet.
Introverts get energized by introspection as opposed to extroverts.
You can be an introvert and not be shy. That is me. I am not afraid to talk to people. In fact, I like groups and like talking to folks. But I am not energized by it. I need me time. People who don't need this time just don't understand.
And people do get offended. My God. I just try to let people know that that is how I am.


I am also an introvert and have struggled with people's perceptions of me my entire life. It can be hurtful for sure. I've also experienced the roommate problem - I had to explain that I need my space, but it is hard to explain that and have it truly understood by someone with an opposite personality.

[Vivalasonbabes]

Thanks Fashionista, for making your post, because now I know other people are out there with my same problem.

I grew up in very similar circumstances to yours. I was also a latch-key kid. Growing up I just got used to being at home by myself. In middle school and high school, I was also one of the few non-white people. I got teased for my appearance a lot, and gradually became used to the idea that for some reason, I was not meant to have friends.

College was the only time when I've been surrounded by people my own age, and actually had friends. It was definitely the happiest time of my life. Just having someone to talk to with awesome for me.

My problem is now, I hardly talk to any of my college friends. They are all very busy with their own lives. But I also have a problem because I don't initiate contact. I'm just too afraid of being rejected, like in middle school and high school. Now I find myself living in similar isolation I experienced in high school. My only fear is that I develop depression, which I have gone thru before due to lonliness. It also doesn't help that I'm in between jobs at the moment, and have no work friends to talk to.

I've come across a lot of people who just don't like me. I don't know why, but they are just mean and say mean things to me. My ex-bf says its just jealousy, but I don't know....

Anyway, I guess I'm just ranting. But I saw your post and knew I had to reply. It's a hard thing to just "get out there" and make friends. Most people are too busy with their own worries to care about someone new. Making friends is HARD! Plus, a bad friendship will mess with your mind, so you're right in being gaurded. I've had too many "friends" that stabbed me in the back to let my guard come down too much. There are a lot of people out there that, sadly, would love to see me fail.

Anyway, keep on trucking.

[Millenial]

I am having the same problem. Most of my friends are still in college and plan on moving away, like I did. I still talk to them occasionally online but it isn't the same.

The people at my job, I consider some to be acquaintances but I couldn't see myself having a buddy-buddy relationship with them.

[Millenial]

Introverts get the short end of the stick...always. We get called conceited, rude, mean, intimidating, etc. I have definitely been called all these things.
Had the roommate problem too. When i come home, I need to just be quiet.
Introverts get energized by introspection as opposed to extroverts.
You can be an introvert and not be shy. That is me. I am not afraid to talk to people. In fact, I like groups and like talking to folks. But I am not energized by it. I need me time. People who don't need this time just don't understand.
And people do get offended. My God. I just try to let people know that that is how I am.
I used to be too shy to talk to ppl. Now I am just an introvert, people either see me as naive or an arrogant jerk.

[lostnotyetfound]

I don't have any suggestions for you but I completely understand where you are coming from. I haven't had a friend in about 5 years and looking back I have never had any good quality friends.

I am biracial and grew up in a predominantly white area. All the girls had stick straight hair and I had a terrible fro because my mom didn't know what to do with my hair. I always had a few friends but seemed to bounce around from group to group and always felt different. I'm also shy and have trust issues which I'm sure can come back as being cold and indifferent. And I think people can sense my lack of confidence and feel it is ok to treat me like crap as a result.

Even among friends I always felt like the odd man out and never really felt like part of the group. I had a few friends throughout high school and part of college but decided that I'd rather have no friends than friends that made me feel like crap. There were 3 of us and you know what they say, 3 is a crowd and so two were close and I was the odd man out. Also they started drinking and smoking which is not my thing. I finally realized they sucked when I got invited to a Christmas party and everyone exchanged gifts without giving me anything. So there have been no friends for me ever since.

My past two jobs have been for small companies so there weren't many people my age to attempt making friendships with. And everyone seems to have their established group of friends and aren't interested in making other friends. But I am an introvert by nature, I need alone time and I guess I will forever have a ton of alone time.

[CTGirl]

Wow, lostnotyetfound, that's rough, I'm sorry!

Have you ever tried using online sources to make friends?

I've moved around a lot, and so many of my friends dont live in the same part of the country as I do, and so I talk to them online a ton, and that helps me with the loneliness I feel sometimes. I'm also now making new friends online who dont live near me either, but even having people online to talk to helps out a lot. Also, I've made some friends online who do actually live near me, and I hang out with all the time, so for me, it's worked out really well.

I think the internet is a really great way to find people that I might never have encountered otherwise.

Good luck!

[HollyM]

I've found it hard to make friends for most of my life. It certainly isn't something that comes naturally and even with good friends I'm always more than happy to get some space at the end of an evening. I'd agree with one of the earlier comments that said you can be an introvert and also enjoy talking to strangers because that's just how I feel. At school and college I had loads of problems making friends because I had no idea of the rules and also wasn't interested in typical things for my age group. Looking back I got bullied and treated badly by people but now I can see why. The things that have helped me the most recently have been joining local clubs and activities, I visited my local running club 3 years ago out of curiosity and am still going, not so much because of the running but because of all the nice people I've met. Also I know that this is not an option for some people but going travelling on my own was a great way of meeting many different types of folk and feeling more confident socially. It is very scary going up to somebody in a bar or a hostel and starting a conversation but unless you're a complete loner you get over the fear because you have to. The other thing that I try to remember although it's not always easy is that if somebody treats you badly it says far more about them and their insecurities than you! Hope this helps...

[summarn01]

I know how feels to have problems maintaining friendships or making friends. Being shy and introverted is hard to overcome and people stereotype you because they never get to know the real you. I hade friends in grade school and high school but lost touch with them after awhile. I have friends from college that I either talk to once in awhile or once a week. I try to treasure and nurture good friendships because there are so hard to come by as I get older. I get along with most people at work and eat with them at lunch but I don't really hang out with them after work. I also have some acquaintances from my church singles group, but I wouldn't say that I close friends with any of them. It is hard to just go up to somebody that I don't know and say hi. I have been brushed off before so maybe that is part of my hesitation. It is not easy to overcome because it is part of my inborn personality. I am going to be shy my whole life and the steps that I take to overcome it are not going to totally that change me. I will always be shy to a certain degree.

Amy

[vivo]

yeah i'm not normal in the friends dept eithr. im sort of a loner. friend situation i think was ok maybe when i was 4-6 age. in college i made some friends. easier i guess to make friends when u live with them. wasn't in many extracurriculars in hs. it's academic the last 2 yrs that was fun. not a lot of friends outside of school though, infact maybe none for a few yrs. in middle school not many friends outside of school. hmm maybe just not like most people. not good with meeting people. not always a good conversationalist. shy. uncoordinated so bad/retarted at sports which sux. but i feel ok on that front. my school yrs were good. i just want a good group of friends meaning 1 close knit group of friends just to do things with and talk with. of course that topics been beaten to death on this forum.
also made fun of a lot in school and in college. weird personality. im an oddball.

[vivo]

yeah i'm not normal in the friends dept eithr. im sort of a loner. friend situation i think was ok maybe when i was 4-6 age. in college i made some friends. easier i guess to make friends when u live with them. wasn't in many extracurriculars in hs. it's academic the last 2 yrs that was fun. not a lot of friends outside of school though, infact maybe none for a few yrs. in middle school not many friends outside of school. hmm maybe just not like most people. not good with meeting people. not always a good conversationalist. shy. uncoordinated so bad/retarted at sports which sux. but i feel ok on that front. my school yrs were good. i just want a good group of friends meaning 1 close knit group of friends just to do things with and talk with. of course that topics been beaten to death on this forum.
also made fun of a lot in school and in college. weird personality. im an oddball.

HAPPY NOO YEEAH!

[lostnotyetfound]

Wow, lostnotyetfound, that's rough, I'm sorry!

Have you ever tried using online sources to make friends?

I've moved around a lot, and so many of my friends dont live in the same part of the country as I do, and so I talk to them online a ton, and that helps me with the loneliness I feel sometimes. I'm also now making new friends online who dont live near me either, but even having people online to talk to helps out a lot. Also, I've made some friends online who do actually live near me, and I hang out with all the time, so for me, it's worked out really well.

I think the internet is a really great way to find people that I might never have encountered otherwise.

Good luck!

I just don't know how to make friends. I can't go up to someone and say hey want to be my friend. And I'm really not that good at small talk. I guess not having friends has always bothered me but not to the point where I felt like doing something about it. I'm not into the typical things other people seem to be into like going out to the bar and getting drunk. I haven't tried making friends online but may try craigslist this year.

[redsail]

I am generally shy and introverted around those I don't know. I never did well in the mixer environment unless there were folks who tried to involve others.

I made most of my friends in college in a club I was in. Do you have any interests/hobbies where there might be a club of similarly interested folks? Like joining a cycling club if you like riding bikes (although many are notorious for being snobs but you can usually find a group of casual folks). I think if you can find something like this it will be easier since you in theory have something to talk about. Hope you find some easy going laid back folks to chill with soon.

[della_anne]

I too feel the same way, it is harder to meet new people and keep in touch.
I have a few friends from High school that I still keep in touch with and college, I don't keep in touch with anybody.
I have been involved with Church get togethers and Toastmasters( a public speaking group) but I find that with Toastmasters, there are few young people like me who join. All the young people are at the bars, where its not the best place to meet people-bars. I have met a few people through Church gatherings, but a lot of them I have not been able to get into any deep conversations with. All I can really do is ask a few questions of people but can't get any conversations rolling. It is hard. I am shy and it is hard for me to open up.
I have always wanted to try speed dating, thinking maybe I can meet some quality guys. And I found this one website Meetup.com where there are interest groups that get together. I have been thinking about doing this.
I keep trying but sometimes I think I'm too shy to do this. I am hoping that Toastmasters will help me to open up and talk more. I hate being shy.
I need meaningful relationships in my life.
A lot of events too, you meet people once and then never see them again. You need to belong to something where you get to see the same people often. That way you have more of a change to get to know them.
Volunteering might be a good thing to do or this Meetup.com...something that meets regularly.
Do people on Quarterlife crisis ever meet up?

[doglover]

I really understand what you're going through. I always had my group of friends in HS but after that it just got harder and harder. I'm friendly with the people I work with but they are all quite a bit older than I am and they never seem to socialize outside of work anyway. I don't really have any suggestions beyond what everyone always says; join a group, volunteer, etc.... I only really keep in contact with one friend from school and she lives in another state. My husband has a ton of friends but they're not exactly overwhelming in their friendliness towards me!! I admitI am rather shy but I have been trying to be more outgoing. Just don't think you're the only one going through this!

[FluffyBunny]

I'm an introvert at heart and I understand a lot of your experiences.

I used to be so painfully shy that, when I served as an executive board member in choir my freshman year of high school, my face turned red when one of the older guys offered me a cookie. Hah.

So I've had best friends here and there, but I've also moved quite a few times. In high school, I had a great group, but now that I'm in college, I realize that only a select few are worth keeping as friends. There's some guys or girls who just don't initiate get-togethers...and it's hard because you feel like they don't even want to be your friend. They don't initiate the phone call or IM.

Yeah, people are busy. Right now in college, I have friends in my organizations, but I don't feel extremely close to the majority of them.

The closest roomie I had was in my freshman year - she was really popular with the suities. In sophomore year, I had this sorority girl as a roomie, which was nice, because she was never there. However, we didn't build a relationship because she never talked to me, and I, to her.

Now, I'm scared about my current roommate situation. I'm living with three great gals from my organization, but I'm not as close as I should be...however, I am one of those people who likes quiet and having their own space. Sometimes I wish I could be more social at home, but then I get lazy.

Other than "home" life, I'm doing okay socially. I'm just looking to retain some of my college relationships for after I get out of college. It'd be great to know that I've made some friends worth keeping in college.

So if any of you feel like you're lacking in social skills, all it takes is a smile and practice. I've become random and a little more outgoing ever since high school. I've had more fun trying to be outgoing than staying home. (My school also offered some Interpersonal Relationship seminars that help build one's comfort levels around strangers.)

[Millenial]

most of my oldest friendships are maintained solely by IM, i prefer to have casual friendships with the understanding that we have our own lives but still care enough to be the other person's friend. it might be different from the typical friendship but it ends up they always are there in the end.