Should I let my bf dictate how I wear my hair (short vs. long)?

[LearnedHand]

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance?) freaks out every time I mention that I would really like to cut my hair short. I have had this long hair for so long that I just really want a change and to see how a short cut would look on me. I also think it would be easier to care for and maybe more professional-looking.

His arguments are that 1) It would look ugly and man-ish, 2) I can do it when I'm older, 3) that it would take a long time to grow out, and 4) that I made him quit smoking, so I should do something for him (the hair).

But the smoking thing was for our health. The hair thing isn't.

Does this sound too controlling of him? I need opinions, people! He doesn't even like the sound of me getting a wavy (not curly) perm!

[Krishna]

Tell him that you respect his opinion but that you need to do what is right for you. Show him a picture of what you want your hair to look like if you need to.

[GoogleGirl]

ya know, there are just some things that should be left up to our selves to decide we should do or not. I have issues with anyone telling me how I should or should not do something (when it comes to things like this). I guess ever since my ex told me last year how I was supposed to live my life if we got married, I've just built up this anger towards people who try to tell others how to do things, such as this situation. I say do what YOU want. I don't like the idea of him saying "well, i quit smoking for you so you owe me". That's just not cool to me. It's not his hair correct? yea. I dunno...I say it's your decision because it's your hair. He cannot tell you how to do small things like this for your life. You control you, not he controls you. Just my opinion.

[meatwad]

I don't know. If he really didn't want to quit smoking but he did it for you, I can see his point. I have a friend that has a goatee. His girlfriend has long hair. The rule is, he can't shave it off and she can't cut her hair short. Compromise is the heart of relationships. :)

And before people go off on the smoking is different thing, if it's something he really enjoyed but quit to make her happy, isn't it really the same thing?

[stonemonkey]

that I made him quit smoking, so I should do something for him (the hair).


I dunno, I can't quite put my finger on it, but the fact that he's suggested that this is some kind of quid pro quo arrangement is sending off alarm bells in my head. It's not the type of thinking befitting of a good bloke.

[Kitty]

Do what you want. I do :)

[MollyMe]

I think the only valid argument for him to suggest not cutting your hair is that it would look bad. Ask your friends who would tell you the truth about their opinion. Ask your hairstylist.

And, if you guys will be getting married, do you want short hair on your wedding day?

[stonemonkey]

Actually, what about if it were reversed and the guy had long hair but she wanted him to get it cut? Does a different standard apply?

[springhaze]

My dad is like your boyfriend- he freaks out whenever my mother does something drastic with her hair (come to think of it, that applies to his two daughters too, hehe.) It's kind of a running joke in our family, but in the end if my mother really wanted to cut her hair short or whatever, she did (and got some grumbling and pouting from my dad, but he got over it.) Basically, this *isn't* that big of a deal (definitely not in the same league as smoking in my mind) and yes, while he may not like it and is perfectly entitled to his preference, it's still your hair to do with as you please. You just have to figure out if dealing with him not liking it is going to be more trouble than it's worth to get your hair cut.

[SunDevil]

Maybe he is being honest with you? If my sister cut her hair short, she wouldn't look all that good, and I would tell her that she looked better before. I would want someone to be honest with me, even if it is hard to hear.

Then again, it is my own personal opinion that I've only seen ~5% of girls who look better with short hair.
http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225025.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225014.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225148.jpg
(The third one would look good with long hair too. The first one looks a lot better with short hair.)

If I were in a relationship, I would be the same way. I wouldn't want her to cut her hair past her shoulders. Relationships are about compromise, but if he is the one doing all of the compromising, he might just find a different girl that will be a better match.

[wordsmith]

Do whatever you're most comfortable with. You're the one who has to be happy and confident with how you look on a daily basis.

[WorkInProgress]

I don't think that you should allow your BF to dictate to you how you will wear your hair. However, I do think that compromising on this is not a bad idea, if that is what you choose to do.

Also, him saying "No you may not cut your hair short" is not the same thing as indicating a preference ("Hey, I love your long hair and would prefer it if/think you should keep it long") and trying to pursuade you to keep it because of that preference (see the list of reasons you already gave). I'm not sure which of these occurred in your situation.

I would definitely not keep or get a hairstyle I hated just because my guy liked it, but I would probably keep/get something I liked ok because he does, even if I didn't totally love it. But I'm the kind of girl who would probably seek his opinion on a big change (I don't make big hairstyle changes spontaneously). And in the end, it's just hair, and it will grow back, even if it takes a long time.

[pisces2473]

My FI doesn't like my hair short, but when I did cut it short, he grew to like it. He loves ME, not my hair. On the other hand, I do tend to nag him about getting his trimmed when he needs it. But that's because he looks SUPER good when it's really short. The longer it gets, it just doesn't look right. Most guys can't really pull off the "grown-out" look like girls can, when they can just pull it back or whatever.

[LearnedHand]

Thanks for the posts, guys. Maybe I'll get a medium-length cut first and see how that goes.

:)

[embrassezla]

My experience has been that most guys who freak over their gf wanting to get a short haircut have had an ex do the same and come out looking like Hilary Rodham Clinton. Short hair is VERY dependant on style, so the line between soccer mom and cute pixie is pretty thin.

[wordsmith]

"Long hair" is also subjective. When I was in high school, I could sit on my hair. Now, I wear it varying lengths ranging from just below chin-length to hitting midback. all of which I consider "long." To some, above the shoulders is "short." To me, if It will still pull back into a ponytail, it's "long."

[WorkInProgress]

"Long hair" is also subjective. When I was in high school, I could sit on my hair. Now, I wear it varying lengths ranging from just below chin-length to hitting midback. all of which I consider "long." To some, above the shoulders is "short." To me, if It will still pull back into a ponytail, it's "long."

Very true. I've always had long (below the shoulders) hair, and have always considered above the shoulders to be short. I notice that my hair is starting to feel long when it almost reaches the small of my back, but it usually falls a bit below my bra. When I get it cut, several people always comment on it.

[wordsmith]

One of my favorite things to do is grow it long-long, and chop it off.

[WorkInProgress]

One of my favorite things to do is grow it long-long, and chop it off.

I got nearly 5 inches cut off at once a few years ago, and nobody noticed.

[wordsmith]

When it's that long, it takes a drastic change to be noticeable. Otherwise it's just "Oh, your hair used to be suuuuuuuper long, now it's just really long."

I have had it happen a few times where the stylist got all neurotic about making the first cut, in an "I just can't cut all that hair off" way.

[WorkInProgress]

When it's that long, it takes a drastic change to be noticeable. Otherwise it's just "Oh, your hair used to be suuuuuuuper long, now it's just really long."

I have had it happen a few times where the stylist got all neurotic about making the first cut, in an "I just can't cut all that hair off" way.

Yeah, that's how it generally is when I get my hair cut. Luckily, I do it for myself, and not for anyone else, so I'm more amused when nobody notices.

I've never had that reaction from a hairdresser. But I've also never asked on to chop the whole mess off either.

[meatwad]

I got nearly 5 inches cut off at once a few years ago, and nobody noticed.

That almost happened to me once, but it was a horrible zipper accident and it would have been a fairly life altering experience.

[WorkInProgress]

That almost happened to me once, but it was a horrible zipper accident and it would have been a fairly life altering experience.

They can sew those right back on! ;) But I bet you'd never go near a zipper again.

[embrassezla]

I got nearly 5 inches cut off at once a few years ago, and nobody noticed.
I chopped a FOOT off my hair & everyone at work asked if I was wearing a new sweater.

[WorkInProgress]

I chopped a FOOT off my hair & everyone at work asked if I was wearing a new sweater.

Great reaction. *sigh*

I like to think that people would notice if I cut a foot of it off, but I'm not so sure.

[wordsmith]

When I CHANGE THE COLOR, people sometimes don't notice right away. My dad is famous for, like, a week, later, when he's seen me numerous times, saying, "Oh, did you change your hair?"

By contrast, there is a lady at my work who, if I let my hair dry naturally (in waves) rather than blow it out straight (which is far more typical), thinks that I've either cut or colored it. No, it's just wavy. :rolleyes:

[embrassezla]

There is one guy at work who notices if I make the SLIGHTEST change to my hair. He once noticed when I simply touched up the roots (and they weren't that bad before!)

[LaFille]

i just had a pretty drastic hair color change and i am amazed at the people who didn't notice until i stood directly in front of them and asked them if i looked different. but to be fair, i never notice when other people change their hair either...

as to your boyfriend... you should never let anyone 'dictate' what you do... it's different if you make a conscious choice not to change it because you know he likes you best with long hair. if you want to go for it, reassure him you won't get a 'butch' haircut and show him some sample pictures. some women look absolutely stunning with short hair.

[WorkInProgress]

I'm the person in the office who notices hair changes and asks about them. One of the guys occasionally notices a color change, and occasionally asks about it, but it's hit or miss.

[embrassezla]

I'm the person in the office who notices hair changes and asks about them.
Meee tooo. I notice when guys get their hair cut all the time.

[LaFille]

Meee tooo. I notice when guys get their hair cut all the time.

i think i notice more when guys get their hair cut 'cause they always look slightly awkward for the first couple days. awww, so cute!

[Kitty]

People in my office never notice anything. They comment on things that haven't changed or pick up on random stuff, but then completely miss out on major appearance changes. :googly:

I've never really understood those people who use their hair as a security blanket. Like, the types on What Not to Wear who start crying as their hair is getting cut off. It's HAIR, it grows back, it doesn't define you as a person.

[WorkInProgress]

I've never really understood those people who use their hair as a security blanket. Like, the types on What Not to Wear who start crying as their hair is getting cut off. It's HAIR, it grows back, it doesn't define you as a person.

Well, as a person who has always had long hair, who looks good with long hair, I would be upset if I lost it all. Yeah, it would grow back, but even if I chose to get rid of it, I'd probably cry over it. It's part of how I see myself, so my self-image would change and it would take time to get used to it. The crying I get. It's dwelling on it that I don't get.

[Kitty]

I change my hair all the time and really, my look for that matter. I love change.

The only time I cried over my hair was when I was given a mullet (ugh, worst haircut ever)...and that was really more because of the ass-hole comments of others.

[biodork]

My bf prefers it when I cut my hair because then I look less like my mom :rolleyes:

[WorkInProgress]

I change my hair all the time and really, my look for that matter. I love change.

The only time I cried over my hair was when I was given a mullet (ugh, worst haircut ever)...and that was really more because of the ass-hole comments of others.

Part of the problem with some of the women on What Not to Wear (etc.) is that they don't love change. So doing all of that change all at once can be overwhelming. But anyway, it's the dwelling on it that bothers me and less the initial reaction.

[Kitty]

Part of the problem with some of the women on What Not to Wear (etc.) is that they don't love change. So doing all of that change all at once can be overwhelming. But anyway, it's the dwelling on it that bothers me and less the initial reaction.

Yeah, what bothers me the most is the people who REFUSE to change. Hello, you agreed to go on the show and you agreed to "give yourself over, mind, body, soul" - let them cut your freakin' hair!

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, what bothers me the most is the people who REFUSE to change. Hello, you agreed to go on the show and you agreed to "give yourself over, mind, body, soul" - let them cut your freakin' hair!

Yeah, I find that obnoxious too. Especially because I've never seen someone leave with a worse haircut than the one they started with.

[wordsmith]

My hair also grows so insanely fast that it's really no big deal if it ends up too short. It will be back to normal in record time.

I seriousy get irritated at how fast my hair grows sometimes (I know, nice problem to have), because if I get a nice cut, it will stay nice and polished looking for about a week, then it's noticeably "off," and looking in need of a trim.

[Deavan]

OK the fact that you used the word "Dictate" in your title says all that you need to know :)

You can always take his suggestions though...

[Winter Storm]

My hair also grows so insanely fast that it's really no big deal if it ends up too short. It will be back to normal in record time.

I seriousy get irritated at how fast my hair grows sometimes (I know, nice problem to have), because if I get a nice cut, it will stay nice and polished looking for about a week, then it's noticeably "off," and looking in need of a trim.

My hair grows so unbelievably slow I swear its been the exact same length for over 2 years. I can't get it past my collar bone.

Meanwhile, my nails grow pretty fast so I can't complain there.

[WorkInProgress]

My hair also grows so insanely fast that it's really no big deal if it ends up too short. It will be back to normal in record time.

I seriousy get irritated at how fast my hair grows sometimes (I know, nice problem to have), because if I get a nice cut, it will stay nice and polished looking for about a week, then it's noticeably "off," and looking in need of a trim.

Seriously. I dyed my hair 3 weeks ago and there are already noticeable roots. Not huge ones, horribly bad ones, but visible. When I get my hair cut (now every couple months ish), I get about 3 inches off.

[and1grad]

I've been thinkin about growing a 'fro. Like that one fancy LeBron on the LeBrons commercials.

[wordsmith]

I've been thinkin about growing a 'fro.

Do Eet!!!!

Then you can use your Tyra Banks avatar.

[shimma]

OP - your BF has no right to "dictate" how you wear your hair. If hair length is a dealbreaker, though, run don't walk. What if you get a head injury and need stitches on your scalp? What if you get cancer and need chemo? Both scenarios are hell on long hair.

But IMO long hair looks nicer in wedding photos and if you're in it with this dude for the long haul, it would behoove you to maintain your physical attractiveness (to him).

Most women do look better with longer hair.

[embrassezla]

I change my hair all the time and really, my look for that matter. I love change.
I am the same. I have had every haircolour & style imaginable. I have come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never find a single one that perfectly suits me to the point that I don't itch to do something different. If I could, I'd invest in a high-quality set of wigs, seriously.

Ironically, I think the style I had the longest was the ultra short, platinum blonde pixie 'do I had for 3yrs in high school/college.

[pisces2473]

But IMO long hair looks nicer in wedding photos.
Yeah, guess who's now growing out her hair for a chic updo?? hehe

[shimma]

Yeah, guess who's now growing out her hair for a chic updo?? hehe

and the real reason for your long enagement comes out!

[pisces2473]

and the real reason for your long enagement comes out!
You guessed it. :lol:




Please, almost 16 months is NOT that long of an engagement...it's only because we HAAAAATE the summer.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, guess who's now growing out her hair for a chic updo?? hehe

Although it's incredible what they can do with even shortish (not quite to the shoulders) hair.

[and1grad]

Do Eet!!!!

Then you can use your Tyra Banks avatar.
I'm THIS close to buying an afro pick.

And no...I cant. I wont.

[shimma]

I'm THIS close to buying an afro pick.

And no...I cant. I wont.


grow the fro, buy the picks, and learn to use them like Chinese throwing stars a la Undercover Brother. Anyone tells you you look unprofessional, tell them they're racist.

[pisces2473]

Although it's incredible what they can do with even shortish (not quite to the shoulders) hair.
Yeah, I know...but my hair is quite thick and needs the length to wrap around itself.

[and1grad]

grow the fro, buy the picks, and learn to use them like Chinese throwing stars a la Undercover Brother. Anyone tells you you look unprofessional, tell them they're racist.
Me? Look unprofessional? It'll never happen. I mean...come on. ;)

[g8ergal83]

its your hair, do with it what you like. it wont take long to grow out. i probably wouldnt go tooooo short at first, you might not like it. but if you do, you can always go shorter. i got mine cut yesterday to shoulder length to look like reese witherspoon's hair in that movie "just like heaven" and its beautiful. i can still run my fingers through it and i love it. (he doesnt care either way, long or short, but he does love my new do). do it. you only live once and if you want to cut your hair, go for it. dont let another person, let alone your boyfriend/fiancee dictate how HE wants YOUR hair to be. i think thats rediculous. and if you cut it and he breaks up with you, you dont want to marry him anyway. what if you go out by yourself one day and get some new shoes after you're married? will he tell you to bring them back? and if he tries to pull "you got a hair but when i told you not to so i'm starting smoking again", he's an ass. smoking vs. hair cut are so far away from apples and oranges, its like apples and clouds. just do what you want. i bet he wouldnt stand for it if you told him not to shave (or to start growing) a beard or something.

[Kitty]

Most women do look better with longer hair.

Says who? :googly:

[meatwad]

Says who? :googly:

I think so. :D

[Kitty]

I think so. :D
Again, says who? :googly:

[SunDevil]

Again, says who? :googly:

The male brain?

But it is dependent on who the girl is and how old they are. So you can't really say that every girl looks better with long hair. But I can say that the majority of girls look better with hair to their shoulders or longer.

[WorkInProgress]

Exhibits A
I think so. :D
and B
The male brain?

But it is dependent on who the girl is and how old they are. So you can't really say that every girl looks better with long hair. But I can say that the majority of girls look better with hair to their shoulders or longer.

giving one of the many reasons why I like my hair long.

[wordsmith]

Of course...hair falling an inch below the shoulders....good, attractive. And inch above the shoulders...bad, unattractive. Right.

Honestly, it's hard to pull off a close-cropped pixie 'do if you're not a woman with an outstandingly attractive face with excellent bone structure and well-proportioned features, because hair that short accentuates features, both good and flawed. It's just less forgiving. I can see why truly short hair for women is a hard sell...most of us just aren't that perfect in the face to really pull it off.

But, seriously, hair that brushes the shoulders is really not that short (and my hair falls midback, so, no, I'm not spazzing out as a wearer of "short" and therefore unattractive hair, either). The long hair thing annoys me because it's all tied up in the "youth = beauty" thing. Long hair is, by and large, considered mostly a younger girl thing. Most grown women don't wear their hair longer than shoulder length (those of us that do are in the minority), both because it's perceived as unprofessional by many, and also because if you're past a certain age, you're deemed to be "trying too hard," or some such. Long hair is only "okay" to a certain age (also stupid). If somebody's getting a makeover, the first thing they do is cut the hair "because it's more professional." I don't buy that, well-maintained, neat hair of various lengths is "professional."

I know from years of trying various hair lengths that what's most attractive on me, due to face shape, hair type, etc. is hair that has no length/layers shorter than chin length. But I wouldn't presume to say that goes for everyone. Women should wear their hair at whatever length they consider most flattering and comfortable, whatever they prefer.

[Kitty]

I agree that super short hair is really hard to pull off. I just think it's absolutely ridiculous to say that shoulder length hair makes you less attractive than hair that's a few inches past your shoulders.

A lot of women with longer hair don't really maintain it that well and it is hard to keep it really healthy the longer it gets. Most of the women in my office with the really llong hair just wear it pulled back most of the time.

Also, if you're attractive than you're attractive - whether or not your hair is below your ears or down to your ass, it's not going to make that much of a difference.

ETA: My hair is actually several inches past my shoulders now, but I've had it all lengths and I thought I looked good each way.

[WorkInProgress]

A lot of women with longer hair don't really maintain it that well and it is hard to keep it really healthy the longer it gets. Most of the women in my office with the really llong hair just wear it pulled back most of the time.

I agree that this makes a big difference. If it's long and unhealthy, clearly that is not attractive. If it's long and the wearer doesn't DO anything to it, I don't think that's attractive either.

[SunDevil]

Also, if you're attractive than you're attractive - whether or not your hair is below your ears or down to your ass, it's not going to make that much of a difference.

ETA: My hair is actually several inches past my shoulders now, but I've had it all lengths and I thought I looked good each way.

I've seen girls that look attractive with 'long' hair, but not very attractive with 'short' hair. And having hair that is 12" long versus 24" long changes nothing as to how you look. It might be a lot harder to deal with though. But going down to 2 or 3 inches, it makes a difference, some can pull it off, others can't. Then you have someone like Natalie Portman who can cut it all off and still look really good.

And a few (1 or 2) inches off your shoulders doesn't equal short. And it would be a fair compromise for the OP in my opinion.

[LaFille]

i have curly hair that is just past my shoulder, so when i wear it straighten it it's 'long.' but i definitely get more attention when it's curly and appears shorter. hmm.

[spokes]

first off i am assuming that we are talking about the hair on the head, because i certainly am - anyways for the record, i prefer women to have short hair - for whatever reason i always seem to think they are way more assertive and less likely to be influenced by the opion of others..............

anyways i can understand him having a preference, however he should realize tht it is only hair and it will eventually grow back.

[LaFille]

first off i am assuming that we are talking about the hair on the head, because i certainly am - anyways for the record, i prefer women to have short hair - for whatever reason i always seem to think they are way more assertive and less likely to be influenced by the opion of others..............
i know my brother's got a thing for short-haired girls, now that i think about it...

[Kitty]

anyways i can understand him having a preference, however he should realize tht it is only hair .

Yeah, and if it's her boyfriend he's obviously already attracted to her. I wouldn't think it would make that big a difference.

[embrassezla]

I definitely wouldn't try to make a generalized statement about what hair length men prefer in general. it's definitely completely individual. I looked nice with long hair, now my hair's above my shoulders and I'm LOVING it, and in college I mentioned having a super short pixie 'do. I DEFINITELY got the most male attention when my hair was super short. But, of course, I don't give a flying crap about male attention when it comes to my hair - I do what works for ME. Which is, of course, what the OP should do.

Look at me, turning that threadjack right around.

[wordsmith]

I totally agree with the "Do what works for you" assessment, as noted earlier. You have to be comfortable for and with yourself.

Of course, the problem comes in when you're a woman and ARE comfortable with yourself with a close cropped 'do, but AREN'T comfortable with yourself if wearing it that way means that your SO thinks you look ass ugly. And, yeah, your SO ideally wouldn't think that the length of your hair would be the determining point between "you look good," and "you look ugly," but,hey, I don't make the rules.

[embrassezla]

I can't help but think that if changing your hair makes your SO think you look ugly, your SO's an a$$hole.

[wordsmith]

Oh, I agree.

But how many guys have posted on this thread that hair length is a factor in ugly? Seems pretty pervasive.

[WorkInProgress]

I can't help but think that if changing your hair makes your SO think you look ugly, your SO's an a$$hole.

I think he crosses the line to ass when he either a)breaks up with you because of your haircut, b)insists that you don't get it cut, or c)says something nastily disparaging about the new 'do. We've already established that some haircuts don't look good on some people. Simply saying that it's unflattering or not preferred does not make anyone an ass.

I think the OP should do whatever she wants. If she wants to take her SO's preferences into account when she gets her hair cut, great. If not, great. Personally, I would, and I don't see it as a great sacrifice, but some do.

[embrassezla]

Good hair can't hide ugly.

[embrassezla]

Simply saying that it's unflattering or not preferred does not make anyone an ass.
Oh, absolutely. I would appreciate honest opinions like that (BEFORE I went through with a cut, of course). But that's different than an SO thinking you look ugly afterward. Unflattering or not preferred shouldn't make your SO less attracted to you.

[WorkInProgress]

Good hair can't hide ugly.

You callin' me ugly? :razz:

[wordsmith]

Also, what happens when it's preferred by you, and not by your SO? If you have differing opinions about what's flattering?

I might not like a certain shirt a guy I'm seeing wears all the time, or think his choice of some other attire is not that flattering, but, hey, it's his thing. I'm not, never have been, and never will be the girl who dresses my guy. That's just a personal thing. It might not be my taste, but it doesn't bother me that much. I've never dated a guy whose clothing was so horrendous it rendered him undatable or anything.

Which is why it's appalling to me in many ways when choices I make about my personal appearance aren't treated as just that, personal choices. My biggest pet peeve about this is glasses. I don't EVER want to hear from a guy that I should wear my contacts. If I didn't like how my glasses looked, I wouldn't wear them. If I preferred my contacts, I'd be wearing them. Obviously, I like how they look, so leave it alone.

[embrassezla]

You callin' me ugly? :razz:
LOL! I'm sayin' if you're ugly, then you're ugly with long hair, too. But I'm sure you aren't in that population, WIP :)

Also, what happens when it's preferred by you, and not by your SO? If you have differing opinions about what's flattering?

I still don't see the problem. My SO has two possible hairstyles - short or shaggy. I LOVE LOVE shaggy. He prefers short. My level of attraction toward him doesn't change, even though I think he looks better shaggy.

[wordsmith]

I still don't see the problem. My SO has two possible hairstyles - short or shaggy. I LOVE LOVE shaggy. He prefers short. My level of attraction toward him doesn't change, even though I think he looks better shaggy.

I agree. I don't see it as a problem, either. But I'm not the person described in the thread title as "dictating," which is apparently some people's reaction to a difference of opinion on what's flattering.

[WorkInProgress]

Also, what happens when it's preferred by you, and not by your SO? If you have differing opinions about what's flattering?

I might not like a certain shirt a guy I'm seeing wears all the time, or think his choice of some other attire is not that flattering, but, hey, it's his thing. I'm not, never have been, and never will be the girl who dresses my guy. That's just a personal thing. It might not be my taste, but it doesn't bother me that much. I've never dated a guy whose clothing was so horrendous it rendered him undatable or anything.

Which is why it's appalling to me in many ways when choices I make about my personal appearance aren't treated as just that, personal choices. My biggest pet peeve about this is glasses. I don't EVER want to hear from a guy that I should wear my contacts. If I didn't like how my glasses looked, I wouldn't wear them. If I preferred my contacts, I'd be wearing them. Obviously, I like how they look, so leave it alone.

Then a bit of compromise is in order. As I have already said, I would refuse to wear something I absolutely hate, but beyond that, I could deal.

And, I don't really have issues with either receiving or giving suggestions for hair, clothing, etc. I give them (tactfully, and I DON'T force them) to people I know. I help my brother buy work clothes (because without help, he'd be lost--he better find a gf who wants to help him with that); I help my dad pick clothes, because he needs help, and sometimes, I help my mom pick clothes. I also like to run new clothes by someone. It's one of the reasons why I enjoy shopping with close friends. But that's me and I realize not everyone's like that.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, I can see the compromise. If a guy prefers me in contacts, I WILL occasionally wear them (not all the time, though). Problem with short hair, though, is that if you want it and your SO doesn't want it, it's not like you can rock it part time like the glasses.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, I can see the compromise. If a guy prefers me in contacts, I WILL occasionally wear them (not all the time, though). Problem with short hair, though, is that if you want it and your SO doesn't want it, it's not like you can rock it part time like the glasses.

Nope, but one could choose a style between the two. Or start with one and then get the other afterwards. Or something. There are options.

[Kitty]

I pretty much do what I like on all fronts - hair, make-up, glasses vs. no glasses, clothes, etc. Honestly, I don't care too much what my SO prefers. If its such a big deal to them, they can dump me for someone else. I am who I am.

[WorkInProgress]

I pretty much do what I like on all fronts - hair, make-up, glasses vs. no glasses, clothes, etc. Honestly, I don't care too much what my SO prefers. If its such a big deal to them, they can dump me for someone else. I am who I am.

And that's a totally valid viewpoint too. I'm not taking issue with it.

[embrassezla]

Compromising on the way I look seems completely ridiculous to me. I do, and will Always, look the way I want to look. That doesn't mean I won't take another's opinion into consideration, but ultimately, it's not going to be a compromise - ever.

[Kitty]

And that's a totally valid viewpoint too. I'm not taking issue with it.

Not saying you are :)

I'm just offering a viewpoint, as everyone is.

[wordsmith]

That's how I feel, too. Obviously, I'm going to do what I consider looks best. Why shouldn't that be up to me?

[Kitty]

That's how I feel, too. Obviously, I'm going to do what I consider looks best. Why shouldn't that be up to me?

Yup, how you look is a representation of what you like and what you feel comfortable with.

[WorkInProgress]

Yup, how you look is a representation of what you like and what you feel comfortable with.

I agree. Nobody's saying that anyone should do/wear something they don't like or be uncomfortable in how they look just to please somebody else.

[stonemonkey]

I agree. Nobody's saying that anyone should do/wear something they don't like or be uncomfortable in how they look just to please somebody else.

The problem is that what you feel comfortable with and what other people think of it are intertwined.

[wordsmith]

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't give a rat's ass what my mom thinks of his sassy comb-over. In fact, I know so.

[Kitty]

The problem is that what you feel comfortable with and what other people think of it are intertwined.

Maybe when you're talking about "people" in terms of general society - but we're talking about specific people, as in, one person.

[stonemonkey]

If I had a girlfriend who told me to get a haircut, I might be inclined to listen to her. Not saying that I'd rush out and get one immediately, I'm just saying that it's a factor that I'd take into consideration. The fact is that how I fit in with the people around me does affect what I feel comfortable with.

[wordsmith]

If I had a girlfriend who told me to get a haircut, I might be inclined to listen to her. Not saying that I'd rush out and get one immediately, I'm just saying that it's a factor that I'd take into consideration. The fact is that how I fit in with the people around me does affect what I feel comfortable with.

If you were generally amenable to getting a haircut, anyway, right? If you really, really didn't want one, would you take it under the same advisement? I realize that most guys aren't the same about their hair as women are, but with women, your hairstyle is a touch more personally defining, IMO.

[stonemonkey]

OK, well I don't know what the appropriate male analogy is. Guys aren't defined by their hair, but are women?

[jls]

Love 'em or Leave 'em. Hair should never be a big issue. If your boyfriend really respects you he will respect the decision to wear your hair a certain way...and if he doesn't like it tough Sh*t. If he's simply making a suggestion- even that can be treading on thin ice. Girls appearance is never a winning conversation. I chopped my hair when my bf and I got in a fight and I know he loved my long hair, but he got over it. It's my hair and I will do what I please with it. I don't tell him what to do with his hair. If he wants to have bad hair that's his perogative...I don't love him for his hair.

[SunDevil]

I would respect a girl choice to do what she wants, but there is also the fact that some girls just look better with longer hair. Appearance is a factor in determining attraction. It's not everything for sure, but hair style does do quite a bit.

I wasn't going to post these, but here are two girls that would look better with longer hair.

http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225087.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225141.jpg


And I thought of a few girls that look really good with short hair since the last time I linked to some. (I just wanted an excuse to post these) :)
http://www.twitchfilm.net/pics/Natalie-Portman.jpg
http://www.albertspage.it/sigle_tv/foto/Dharma&Greg06.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~shorthairedgirls/shg225066.jpg (not exactly short)

A relationship is supposed to be all about compromise. You might be able to get a few inches taken off, until both of you like it. But changing something big does test the relationship and will show if the guy is there because the girl looks good, or if he likes her as a person. But if the girl is changing a lot, and nagging the guy to give up things he likes, eventually it won't be the relationship he got into at the beginning. He might choose to find a girl that doesn't try and change him, and doesn't change very much herself. But those relationships are pretty rare.

Over time, hair matters less and less, but at the beginning of a relationship...

[wordsmith]

I would respect a girl choice to do what she wants, but there is also the fact that some girls just look better with longer hair. Appearance is a factor in determining attraction. It's not everything for sure, but hair style does do quite a bit.

But wouldn't you already be attracted? I'm assuming we're talking opinions of SOs, here, since who in the hell would change their hair (or not) because random dude said so? Anyhow, if it was your SO, wouldn't you already be attracted to her? Would you STOP being attracted to her if you didn't like a hairstyle?

[wordsmith]

eventually it won't be the relationship he got into at the beginning. He might choose to find a girl that doesn't try and change him, and doesn't change very much herself.

Relationships are never what they were in the beginning. They're not static, they constantly evolve. And everyone changes...it's usually just regarding stuff that's a little more weighty than hairstyle choice.

[Krishna]

Relationships are never what they were in the beginning. They're not static, they constantly evolve. And everyone changes...it's usually just regarding stuff that's a little more weighty than hairstyle choice.

*clap clap clap*

[SunDevil]

Anyhow, if it was your SO, wouldn't you already be attracted to her? Would you STOP being attracted to her if you didn't like a hairstyle?

I'm not trying to say that a guy would breakup just because of the length of her hair, or be less attracted to her.

However, each of us has those weird deal breakers, for some guys that might be hair length. It might be that she gets her way on everything without considering what he wants.

I could say a lot more, but I can't figure out how to put it nicely and not start a major debate that I would rather not have to defend right now.

[WorkInProgress]

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't give a rat's ass what my mom thinks of his sassy comb-over. In fact, I know so.

Really? I know for a fact that my dad cares about whether my mom likes his haircut, and his facial hair. And I know that my mother cares about whether my dad likes her hair or not. Not saying that either would wear a style they detested just because the other likes it, though.

[WorkInProgress]

OK, well I don't know what the appropriate male analogy is. Guys aren't defined by their hair, but are women?

Oh, I doubt it. How many guys aren't upset when they start losing their hair? I suspect a very small minority. Hairstyles are one thing that a lot of people of both genders use as part of their self image.

[wordsmith]

Really? I know for a fact that my dad cares about whether my mom likes his haircut, and his facial hair. And I know that my mother cares about whether my dad likes her hair or not. Not saying that either would wear a style they detested just because the other likes it, though.

Yup, hence the "maybe, maybe not" response. My dad absolutely does not give a rat's ass what anybody thinks in terms of his appearance. He always looks fine, but always 100% on his terms.

My mom would be offended if my dad didn't like her hairstyle, cut, color, etc. My dad, on the other hand, will wear his hair as he wants it, his facial hair as he wants it, and to hell with you if you don't like it, it's his hair/beard/etc. I'm kinda like him. :) Minus the beard, say.

[WorkInProgress]

Huh. "To each his (or her) own" is the consensus, it seems.

[mishl982]

Hmm I think the compromise should be to get a mullet...








Just kidding! I do agree that you shouldn't let him dictate how you want to do your hair, but if you want to consider his thoughts, then you could compromise. Otherwise, who cares? Get your hair cut!

[kdhmps]

There are some cute, short, sassy and very feminine SHORT hairstyles to consider. Short "bobs" are flattering on many and are a lot easier to keep neat throughout the day and while having fun... I've had my hair short and long, and I prefer it long. Some guys just think women should have long hair and they imagine the "butch" look. Just don't go that short. he he

[wordsmith]

I don't find short hair easy at all...I actually keep my hair longer because it's easier. My hair grows extremely fast, and a short cut requires WAY too frequent trims for maintenance. I find longer hair to be much lower maint, because it's less apparent when you space out haircuts.

[Kitty]

However, each of us has those weird deal breakers, for some guys that might be hair length.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone, getting a bad haircut, and then having the guy break up with me.

Have you ever been in a LTR? I'm sorry, but I really feel like you're talking out of your ass here.

[pisces2473]

Have you ever been in a LTR? I'm sorry, but I really feel like you're talking out of your ass here.
HAHAHAHAHAHA Nice!

[Kitty]

Really? I know for a fact that my dad cares about whether my mom likes his haircut, and his facial hair. And I know that my mother cares about whether my dad likes her hair or not. Not saying that either would wear a style they detested just because the other likes it, though.

D doesn't care one way or another how I wear my hair. I tried to get him to tell me if he preferred me as a blonde or a brunette and he just kept saying, "I like them both, they're just different. I like YOU, and I'll like however YOU want to wear your hair." It was kind of annoying at the time because I kind of wanted to know what he preferred..but it's also nice to know that he likes me for me.

[Kitty]

HAHAHAHAHAHA Nice!

Well, can you imagine C calling off the engagement because you cut your hair too short? :googly:

[embrassezla]

D doesn't care one way or another how I wear my hair.
I told my SO that I have an appt to get highlights this weekend, because I eventually want to go back to blonde (hair is medium brown now), and he was like, "What do you mean, 'back to' blonde? When were you ever blonde?" He seriously does not remember that I was blonde 1.5yrs ago or so.

[pisces2473]

Well, can you imagine C calling off the engagement because you cut your hair too short? :googly:
No. But I do get mad at him for going too long btwn haircuts. haha

[Kitty]

No. But I do get mad at him for going too long btwn haircuts. haha

Before I came along D used to cut his own hair! WTF? He also washed his hair with a bar of soap. :googly:

I was like, you're making good money, you can afford regular haircuts and shampoo..lol

[pisces2473]

Before I came along D used to cut his own hair! WTF? He also washed his hair with a bar of soap. :googly:

I was like, you're making good money, you can afford regular haircuts and shampoo..lol
Uhhhh WHAT did it look like!? My dad has ALWAYS used Ivory soap on his hair. It's weird.

[Kitty]

Uhhhh WHAT did it look like!? My dad has ALWAYS used Ivory soap on his hair. It's weird.

It actually looked pretty good...it was a little dry, though.

Now I've made him totally metro and he uses anti-frizz stuff and gel..lol

[pisces2473]

The cut looked good, even though he did it himself??? Wow. Impressive.

I don't think C will ever use product. Once I put some on him...secretly. I had the gel on my hands and he was sitting down, and I just ran my fingers through his hair and was like, "GOTCHA!"

[Kitty]

I don't think C will ever use product. Once I put some on him...secretly. I had the gel on my hands and he was sitting down, and I just ran my fingers through his hair and was like, "GOTCHA!"

LOL!!!

Yeah, his hair looked good even though he cut it himself...he didn't even use a mirror, he said he could just "feel" what sections needed to be cut and how much to cut.

[pisces2473]

LOL!!!

Yeah, his hair looked good even though he cut it himself...he didn't even use a mirror, he said he could just "feel" what sections needed to be cut and how much to cut.
WOW. I truly am impressed!

[embrassezla]

Yep, I cut my own hair all throughout college. Never had a problem.

[Kitty]

wow, I could never do that. HOw did you get to the hair in the back!?!? Or was this when you had the pixie cut?

[spokes]

(hair is medium brown now)

is this like mousy brown.......ha ha

for whatever reason every female i have ever known has not liked the mousy brown color descriptor (btw is that a real word???)

[coll214]

As is said in another thread, when i was younger i was told at some points how to wear my hair and offered money to cut it. Wasn't going to happen b/c it's my head!! You could always try to sloowly start cutting a little bit more everytime you go, he may not even notice!

My sister used to cut her own hair, but she had wicked curly hair so if one curl was hanging down to far, she'd trim it... you wouldn't even notice she did it sadly! :rolleyes:

[Kitty]

is this like mousy brown.......ha ha

for whatever reason every female i have ever known has not liked the mousy brown color descriptor (btw is that a real word???)

Medium brown does not have to look mousy - depends on the color, the tones, etc.

[WorkInProgress]

is this like mousy brown.......ha ha

for whatever reason every female i have ever known has not liked the mousy brown color descriptor (btw is that a real word???)

Mousy is boring, blah, flat-looking color. (Also, seems to go with mousy personality.) Medium is not mousy. Medium is just between dark and light.

[pisces2473]

Oooh all this talk makes me want to dye my hair!

[MetFanL]

I'm getting mine dyed next Saturday... It's just to maintain my natural color, which is a lovely dark brown.

[pisces2473]

I'm getting mine dyed next Saturday... It's just to maintain my natural color, which is a lovely dark brown.
Maintaining? What happened?

[MetFanL]

Maintaining? What happened?
I'm freaking out about my 20 gray hairs.

[shimma]

I'm getting mine dyed next Saturday... It's just to maintain my natural color, which is a lovely dark brown.

tomorrow for me! touching up the blonde highlights, then adding a few reddish-brown lowlights if I feel bold enough.

Before I came along D used to cut his own hair! WTF? He also washed his hair with a bar of soap.

My FI asked me to give him a trim the other day. Uhhhh I don't think so. Get your ass to the barber. He also "doesn't waste his money on beauty products", yet somehow mine (we have similar hair texture) seem to vanish a bit quicker since we shacked up.

[WorkInProgress]

I'm getting mine dyed next Saturday... It's just to maintain my natural color, which is a lovely dark brown.

I'm going to dye mine again in another week or two. My gray roots are showing. They're a very pretty silvery white color, so I'm looking forward to keeping them, when I get old, and quite honestly, if they grew in a streak or something, I'd keep that, but I'm not cool with the hundred or so I have. Seriously, it's not one or two and hairdressers are always shocked.

[wordsmith]

is this like mousy brown.......ha ha

for whatever reason every female i have ever known has not liked the mousy brown color descriptor (btw is that a real word???)

Probably because mice are grey, for the most part rather than brown and who wants their hair likened to rodent pelt?

[wordsmith]

I'm going to dye mine again in another week or two. My gray roots are showing. They're a very pretty silvery white color, so I'm looking forward to keeping them, when I get old, and quite honestly, if they grew in a streak or something, I'd keep that, but I'm not cool with the hundred or so I have. Seriously, it's not one or two and hairdressers are always shocked.

When mine goes grey, as long as it's even, I think I'm keeping it (I say that now, hah, who knows how I'll feel).

My favorite professor in college was prematurely silvery grey, and wore it, thick, straight, and long, even though she was young and youthful in the face. It was AMAZINGLY striking.

[embrassezla]

wow, I could never do that. HOw did you get to the hair in the back!?!? Or was this when you had the pixie cut?
Yep, it was when my hair was super short. I just used a mirror or two and tried to feel around, like you said about D, haha. It actually works!

[Kitty]

Probably because mice are grey, for the most part rather than brown and who wants their hair likened to rodent pelt?

LOL!!!

extraletters

[WorkInProgress]

When mine goes grey, as long as it's even, I think I'm keeping it (I say that now, hah, who knows how I'll feel).

My favorite professor in college was prematurely silvery grey, and wore it, thick, straight, and long, even though she was young and youthful in the face. It was AMAZINGLY striking.

Or if it all went gray. That would be awesome. But no. It just makes me look older and I don't like it.

As it is, they take color (permanent, none of that 24 washes stuff!) pretty well, and look a lot like highlights, which is nice.

[embrassezla]

My gray roots are showing. They're a very pretty silvery white color, so I'm looking forward to keeping them, when I get old, and quite honestly, if they grew in a streak or something, I'd keep that
I love the look of shiney, silvery hair on older women. If my mom & grandmother are any indication, though, I'll never have nice, even grey hair, or even just thorough salt & pepper. My grandmother is less than 50% grey & my mom less than 20%.

[pisces2473]

When mine goes grey, as long as it's even, I think I'm keeping it (I say that now, hah, who knows how I'll feel).

My favorite professor in college was prematurely silvery grey, and wore it, thick, straight, and long, even though she was young and youthful in the face. It was AMAZINGLY striking.
Yeah, I've seen a lot of women look beautiful with silver hair. If I go grey, I'd rather have it go ALL at once, rather than a few strays here and there.

[WorkInProgress]

I love the look of shiney, silvery hair on older women. If my mom & grandmother are any indication, though, I'll never have nice, even grey hair, or even just thorough salt & pepper. My grandmother is less than 50% grey & my mom less than 20%.

Both grandmothers have very nice silvery white hair, my great grandmother had white hair, my dad and grandfather have a nice silvery white, and my mom's (when it's not dyed) is still 50/50 salt & pepper, but with a silver. So it'll be nice when it all grows in like that. None of that dark iron gray for me. If that were the case, I'd keep dying it forever.

[Kitty]

I do not want to be gray...ever. I plan to dye.

So far no grays *crosses fingers*

[wordsmith]

My mom's temples started to go in her midthirties. I figure I only have so much time.

[WorkInProgress]

My mom's temples started to go in her midthirties. I figure I only have so much time.

My temples are about half gone.

[wordsmith]

We're naturally blonde, so it doesn't show as much, but still. It just looks kinda dull.

[coll214]

I'm going to dye mine again in another week or two. My gray roots are showing. They're a very pretty silvery white color, so I'm looking forward to keeping them, when I get old, and quite honestly, if they grew in a streak or something, I'd keep that, but I'm not cool with the hundred or so I have. Seriously, it's not one or two and hairdressers are always shocked.
WIP, I hear ya. I started getting greys at the beginning of college; so I started dying it. It's just now the dye gets lighter and lighter :huge:. Though I'd say i have more grey now than my mother; when i go to long w/o dying it, it looks ridiculous...

[SunDevil]

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone, getting a bad haircut, and then having the guy break up with me.


What I got from the OP was she wanted short hair for a long time, not just one bad haircut. And his preference is for girls with longer hair. I'm not sure how committed they are to each other, but if she is controlling and always getting her way, it isn't a healthy relationship. She should see if there is a different hairstyle, that is shorter than the current one, that he likes and she can live with. I would recommend:
http://flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=216987745&size=l

And as was discussed in this thread:
http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23304
Recently, I told a guy friend gently that I am not interested in him as more than friends. I normally won't say anything but his hinting has gone on for some time, and I didn't want to hurt him or lead him on precisly because he IS a good friend. He treats me well, and as much as I WANT to like him that way, I really just didn't feel any physical attraction or spark.
There are enough other girls around with long hair too. If spiritedaway wasn't told to settle and love the guy she wasn't physically attracted to, why should the guy settle if he doesn't find the girl physically attractive? What if she went from this:
http://www.grizweimer.de/2005-Archiv/50727/GretchenWilson1.jpg
to this:
http://sportsmed.starwave.com/i/magazine/new/rosie_odonnell_a.jpg
would he still feel 'any physical attraction or spark?' Maybe eventually you will love someone regardless of what they look like, but in this society of 50% divorce rates, I wouldn't risk cutting a lot of hair off to find out. Unless she is testing him to see how faithful and committed he is to her.
(yes the two people in the pictures aren't the same person, but if Gretchen Wilson were to cut her hair short, it probably wouldn't look that great. She looks really good with her current hairstyle.)

*This doesn't apply to women who are pregnant, have small kids, are undergoing chemotherapy, over 40, in the military, living in a hot climate or accidentally had a bad haircut... If you look good with long hair, you shouldn't change it unless it is absolutely necessary.

----------------------------------
I won't comment on the second thing you said. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

[stonemonkey]

I'm not sure how committed they are to each other, but if she is controlling and always getting her way, it isn't a healthy relationship.

Yeah, but how healthy is it if the guy is controlling and always getting his way? By the way, Natalie Portman got her head shaved in V for Vendetta, and I still think she looked hot in that.

[wordsmith]

Are you kidding me? How is it "controlling" to wear your hair whatever damned way you think it looks best? It's YOUR hair. Somebody ELSE who's telling you YOUR hair should be worn the way HE or SHE likes it rather than the way YOU like it is the one being controlling in this hypothetical scenario.

[SunDevil]

Maybe controlling is the wrong word there.

But why didn't she have short hair prior to meeting the guy if it is so much easier to care for and looks better?

[wordsmith]

Maybe she likes her hair BOTH ways. My natural hair color is dark honey blonde. I like it enough that way. I also really like it red, which is what color I had it through part of college, and I realy, really like it a deep chestnut brunette, which is the color I have it now. If some dude told me, "Well, why didn't you have your hair brunette WHEN I MET YOU if you like it so much? Change it back to blonde," I would really not be impressed.

[stonemonkey]

I guess this raises an interesting side issue. What happens if one person in the relationship drastically changes how they look over time, compared with how they looked when they first met? Of course, ideally, people love each other regardless of appearance, so it shouldn't matter at all how their looks change, but I wonder how true that is in real life.

[wordsmith]

Everyone's appearance changes over time. My dad has a lot less hair than he did when he was a pompadoured young stud picking up my lovely young mom in 1970. My mom has a lot more wrinkles at 54 than she did at 20, somehow. She went from a swimsuit model build to the abdomen of a woman who carried two single babies and a set of twins to term and had two caesarean sections, not the small-scar C-sections they have today, but the ones where they splayed you open like a gutted fish.

Somehow, they're still in love and attracted to one another.

You live with appearance changes if you love somebody. If appearance changes affect your love, your love isn't worth very much.

[pisces2473]

Good job, Jess.

My FI got into a horrible accident only 4 months into us dating. He has huge scars on his abdomen that will never go away. Do I love him any less? HELL NO.

My God, some of you people are so shallow.

[Kitty]

You live with appearance changes if you love somebody. If appearance changes affect your love, your love isn't worth very much.

Amen to that!!