Mariposa8
11-08-2006, 12:53 AM
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. We have a long distance relationship and he is 8 years older than me. I am still in college and have a lot of ambitions I want to explore. My parents don’t except the relationship so the constant secrecy is stressing me out like crazy but I depend on them financially for school so what other choice do I have??
He works 7 days a week so I don’t really feel like he has time for a girlfriend but he is so incredibly in love with me and always talks about marriage and children and how its so different with me and he had thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love is and how it scares him how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves me even more every day. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him and I love him too and cannot imagine my life without him. He treats me like an absolute queen and we always have so much fun when we are together.
Throughout this year we have discussed a lot of his past and he has always been truthful with ever question I ask. The problem is that he has an EXTREMELY extensive past involving many women and basically ever scenario you can think of. He had also done drugs for five years but had stopped a few months before he met me. I on the other hand have only been with him and never even touched a cigarette.
For the last year these issues have eaten away at me and I am constantly crying myself to sleep. I have a problem with picturing him and other girls having sex or just thinking about us walking down the street with our children and we see a woman he slept with and her thinking “Oh, I had him.” I also think of how ashamed I would be if we had kids and I had to look at them and have in the back of my head “Your daddy has been with so many other women besides mommy and it used to/ still does make her cry so much.” Just knowing that all these women have a part of him that I will NEVER be able to get back. I always thought that in a marriage you should feel like you have that complete person to yourself but I don’t think I could ever feel like that with him because I never will have ALL of him, regardless of what others/he might say. I have made myself so sick over this so many times, losing sleep, not being able to eat.
I talked to him numerous times about it and he always tells me they don’t mean anything to him and he never even thinks about it. He always tells me how much he loves me and how I’m the one he has been looking for and he doesn’t want anyone else. He always says that he doesn’t think I know how much he loves me and that he would do anything for me. And see the thing is I believe what he says to me and for the most part trust him and know he is faithful, but NOTHING he says will make it go away or better. He could tell me he loved me till he was blue in the face and it wouldn’t make a difference. I mean I know he has changed a lot but how do I know he REALLY has changed?? Is he just doing this for me or for HIM?? I know I have ideas of what kind of man I want for the rest of my life but am I just trying to make him into this man and he really isn’t anything that I want? I have a rough relationship with my parents and never were very close… am I holding on because this is the 1st person who ever really took care of me and excepted me for me?? But why do I keep doing this to myself?? Crying all the time.. being stressed out… ughhhh
One of the hardest parts of all this is that no matter what where I am or what I am doing, it will just pop in my head. I could be writing a paper for school, or walking to get something to eat and randomly scenarios will pop in my head and I get so angry…. Angry with him,, angry with the girl,, angry with myself for throwing away all the morals and standards I had set for a man I would date or marry. When I watch television or a movie and see a love scene I automatically think of him and another girl… not me and him. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, I am only making our relationship bitter and beginning to regret things about him. I try not to bring it up to him anymore because I know its not something he wants to talk about.
I know he thinks its silly that I dwell on this so much but it hurts so much. I am so torn up inside and my heart actually feels bruised. I am ALWAYS contemplating whether or not I should break up with him but my friends always convince me against it because he is such a great guy and they know that there are not that many great guys out there.
I seem to go through stages or days when everything is fine and I don’t even think about stuff to other days or weeks that I just build up so much hatred and anger and I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to talk to someone but then I started to realize, why am I getting mad at myself for NOT forgetting this? I shouldn’t be forgetting this. I set standards for myself and I have so much respect for myself and that is why this bothers me. Many women these days have had so many sexual partners and wouldn’t really think about their boyfriends past number but I do and I always will. I decided to go to a counselor and have been seeing her for the past few weeks… It doesn’t really help to solve the problem but its nice to have someone to let it all out to.
I feel like every night I lay in bed crying and rehearsing what I would say to him when I go to break up with him. Its basically that his past is too much for me to handle and it continues to haunt me everyday and I’m sick of crying myself to sleep. He deserves to find someone who will accept him for not only who he is but who he used to be and who he will be. I don’t think I will ever be able to accept the real him and I don’t want to waste his time because he is getting older and I know he wants to settle down.
I really am looking for some kind of advice or words of wisdom, anything. Please let me know what you think I should do.
(sorry its soo long)
He works 7 days a week so I don’t really feel like he has time for a girlfriend but he is so incredibly in love with me and always talks about marriage and children and how its so different with me and he had thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love is and how it scares him how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves me even more every day. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him and I love him too and cannot imagine my life without him. He treats me like an absolute queen and we always have so much fun when we are together.
Throughout this year we have discussed a lot of his past and he has always been truthful with ever question I ask. The problem is that he has an EXTREMELY extensive past involving many women and basically ever scenario you can think of. He had also done drugs for five years but had stopped a few months before he met me. I on the other hand have only been with him and never even touched a cigarette.
For the last year these issues have eaten away at me and I am constantly crying myself to sleep. I have a problem with picturing him and other girls having sex or just thinking about us walking down the street with our children and we see a woman he slept with and her thinking “Oh, I had him.” I also think of how ashamed I would be if we had kids and I had to look at them and have in the back of my head “Your daddy has been with so many other women besides mommy and it used to/ still does make her cry so much.” Just knowing that all these women have a part of him that I will NEVER be able to get back. I always thought that in a marriage you should feel like you have that complete person to yourself but I don’t think I could ever feel like that with him because I never will have ALL of him, regardless of what others/he might say. I have made myself so sick over this so many times, losing sleep, not being able to eat.
I talked to him numerous times about it and he always tells me they don’t mean anything to him and he never even thinks about it. He always tells me how much he loves me and how I’m the one he has been looking for and he doesn’t want anyone else. He always says that he doesn’t think I know how much he loves me and that he would do anything for me. And see the thing is I believe what he says to me and for the most part trust him and know he is faithful, but NOTHING he says will make it go away or better. He could tell me he loved me till he was blue in the face and it wouldn’t make a difference. I mean I know he has changed a lot but how do I know he REALLY has changed?? Is he just doing this for me or for HIM?? I know I have ideas of what kind of man I want for the rest of my life but am I just trying to make him into this man and he really isn’t anything that I want? I have a rough relationship with my parents and never were very close… am I holding on because this is the 1st person who ever really took care of me and excepted me for me?? But why do I keep doing this to myself?? Crying all the time.. being stressed out… ughhhh
One of the hardest parts of all this is that no matter what where I am or what I am doing, it will just pop in my head. I could be writing a paper for school, or walking to get something to eat and randomly scenarios will pop in my head and I get so angry…. Angry with him,, angry with the girl,, angry with myself for throwing away all the morals and standards I had set for a man I would date or marry. When I watch television or a movie and see a love scene I automatically think of him and another girl… not me and him. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, I am only making our relationship bitter and beginning to regret things about him. I try not to bring it up to him anymore because I know its not something he wants to talk about.
I know he thinks its silly that I dwell on this so much but it hurts so much. I am so torn up inside and my heart actually feels bruised. I am ALWAYS contemplating whether or not I should break up with him but my friends always convince me against it because he is such a great guy and they know that there are not that many great guys out there.
I seem to go through stages or days when everything is fine and I don’t even think about stuff to other days or weeks that I just build up so much hatred and anger and I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to talk to someone but then I started to realize, why am I getting mad at myself for NOT forgetting this? I shouldn’t be forgetting this. I set standards for myself and I have so much respect for myself and that is why this bothers me. Many women these days have had so many sexual partners and wouldn’t really think about their boyfriends past number but I do and I always will. I decided to go to a counselor and have been seeing her for the past few weeks… It doesn’t really help to solve the problem but its nice to have someone to let it all out to.
I feel like every night I lay in bed crying and rehearsing what I would say to him when I go to break up with him. Its basically that his past is too much for me to handle and it continues to haunt me everyday and I’m sick of crying myself to sleep. He deserves to find someone who will accept him for not only who he is but who he used to be and who he will be. I don’t think I will ever be able to accept the real him and I don’t want to waste his time because he is getting older and I know he wants to settle down.
I really am looking for some kind of advice or words of wisdom, anything. Please let me know what you think I should do.
(sorry its soo long)